House of Wachs

HAIR-SPLITTING ABOUT GRAVE-SPITTING

Recently, a friend uttered the following cliches to me:
"This thing isn't a mosque and it's not AT Ground Zero. What happened to tolerance and religious freedom? And why does the media make it seem like 99% of people are against the mosque? What am I missing?"

Oh, just plenty.

At the risk of being perceived as arrogant, bigoted, out of touch, fringe, and condescending...too late. Here's my response:

Actually, the media is trying to make it look like 99% of Americans are FOR the mosque and a tiny sliver of bigoted conservative people are against it. They are only off by about 120 percentage points as 2/3 of Americans are against this.

Religious freedom is a red herring issue. If it's not a big deal, than the people behind the mosque should have no problem moving their plans, brutal or peaceful, elsewhere for a different day. After all, sensitivity toward others is a two way street. Why can't the Greek Orthodox church down the street that wants to rebuild get a permit to do so? Religious freedom and all blah, blah.

Not all Muslims are Islamic fanatics, but all Islamic fanatics are Muslim putting most Americans in the realm of reasonable and rational skepticism since it was an all-Muslim cast bringing down the towers 9 years ago. They are suspect. Not us.

Having said that, I will answer the religious freedom canard on it's face. No, I don't believe in religious freedom for people who have killed 3000 innocent Americans and openly and explicitly lust for more on YouTube, and, no, I don't have any tolerance for a totalitarian ideology cloaked in religious garb that shows nothing but intolerance in return for our reluctant mercy. And chew on this. Does it not occur to apologists for these people that Rauf and his travelers in the Muslim Brotherhood are the face of right wing extremism? RIGHT WING. I'm a righty American, and even I can see that.

Left-wingers for decades have always been panicked at the dystopia that would occur if Christian Republicans got power foisting a theocracy on the nation that brutalizes Jews, women, and homosexuals. That didn't happen despite a GOP majority running the congress and presidency for most of the past decade. Well, now these same people are rolling out the red carpet for people who have explicitly promised to do just what the left has feared all along. Explain THAT.

 

DANCING WITH THE FATES

I find it sad that they didn't really care to factor in Buzz Aldrin's age (80) in yesterday's judging on DWTS. They gave him 4s.

"I remember sitting at home in London watching you on the Moon," Judge Len Goodman said. "Unfortunately, I can't give marks for bravery."

Then why the hell did they invite him on? Because they really thought an 80 year old man could go hoof to hoof with one of the Pussycat Dolls and her meat puppet?  Jesus, Len! Got much colony envy? Now the British want reparations. Where is the end, man?

Big effyou to ABC for mocking this great pioneering patriot. Why not just lure him to the top of a flight of stairs and push him down? Big ratings. "Pushing Old Celebrities Down the Steps." Why not?

Buncha neon assdildos. You'll get old too, fuckers, and I hope your beloved Obama's single payer euthanasia mill gets into high claim denial mode just as you need that ass cancer drug to save your creepy, ungraceful lives.

The good news is that Shannen Doherty couldn't beat Buzz Aldrin in a dancing competition. Ha-ha, fugly. Get your eyes fixed. They're still uneven.

The TV news coverage of the W.Va. mining disaster 2010 is pointless and uniformative. CNN, FOX, MSNBC...it doesn't matter. There's only so much a pretty blonde with nice legs and a neatly coiffed honey hole can credibly tell me about mining.

The one thing that stands out to me about the mining explosion in W.Va. is in this quote from the story out of the Wall St. Journal:

"Massey...notified the Mine Safety and Health Administration...at 3:30 pm of a mine explosion..."

I couldn't help but thinking, "There's a gov't app for that?"

We're pretty deep into the government mine here ourselves, dontcha think, when this agency exists despite the fact that it seems they are not doing the job we pay them to do, which is to make mines safe and healthy, which they aren't, and can't be. Who cares if a mine is healthy, anyway? There is no government agency for Facebook safety (yet), but we've had fewer deaths this year on Facebook than in the mines.

We live in very clear and confusing times. On one hand, we seem to have 2 government agencies for every real or perceived risk or offense known to man. On the other hand, the iPad, a product of free thinking, is selling like government programs!

Apple seems to have an app for everything, too, but Apple's apps are a googol (sorry, no offense) times more fun. And some are truly FREE! The bad ones are repealed by the obnoxious consumer reviews, and everyone of every color and belief system gets a hack at making it big in the app world if they so choose.

Maybe a lot of people think the iPad IS from the government. There are those morons out there who will defend the wisdom of all government programs by pointing to our roads (which aren't so pleasurable to ride on and hard to use at many points in the day), our schools (a day orphanage for poor and unloved children) and Tang breakfast drink (which I imagine is quite tasty up in space where the only other choice is the toilet bowl for hydration), and of course, the river card--flip it---"well, who do you think invented the internet?"

I know. Thaaaaa government. More accurately, the military, which is an important point since in the days of the DARPAnet, as it was known, the military was separate from most government functions because, unlike most government functions, it was a legitimate function of the government.

Even the military didn't know what to do with it except having it's scientists share info on how to kill people better. It took regular people with specialized knowledge to give us the PC to access this government invented wonder, and only then did it become a thriving bazaar where one can get anything without budging his enlarged prostate.

I don't know which side is winning.

REALIGNSKY

I have not seen any national polling data on impeachment of Obama. Has there been any?  And if not, then why not? A good short term strategy would be to trap the government-approved news humps on TV into putting the word on their lips everyday whether they like it or not. How? Polls. They love 'em.

I'm not a Constitutional scholar nor an attorney, but merely a humble thinker of great thoughts, and I do know for a fact that all presidents, Marxist or genuine, take an oath to protect our Constitutional liberties, although Obama's two gaffe-filled stabs at it in January 2009 were sort of an omen of abrogations to come, looking back on it.

We have enough on our collective plates currently trying to push back the government takeover of our bodies (exempting, of course, female government workers whose unionized wombs will be the only organs in the US officially granted "choice" thanks to an insurance "carve out" which is a pretty unfortunate use of the term in context), so impeachment is a faint noise in the distance.

We must continue, as we have since last summer, to set the terms of the argument by effectively getting the idea of impeachment in the public's mind. We need to reaffirm to ourselves and our enemies that abridging our founding document has heavy consequences for those who go against it, and the ability to pick the NCAA brackets in the office today after a nice lunch of green beer pints and wings served by big-breasteded waitresses at the Tilted Kilt flows directly from those documents.

One effective way to further arouse an already aroused populace to the issue would be to poll impeachment's popularity everyday starting yesterday. It could have 25% popularity right now for all we know, but my feeling is that with constant polling on the question it could become a meme that grows in popularity as it's repeated.

Further, I would implore my fellow Atlantans to refer to the numerous streets named after the local fruit thusly:

UNINFORMED LOSER: "Can you tell me where the free money office is?"

YOU: "Yeah, that's on Impeachtree Street."

Memes are what got us into this mess. Let's start memeing back. Rasmussen? Gallup? Freedomworks? TPPatriots?  Yes? OK. Good. Let's do this.

My Short, Thin Lottery Win

I like to play scratch-offs once in awhile. It relaxes me. And it kills time waiting for prescriptions.And they're shiny with pretty colors.

Gambling losses are brutally final. After all the marketing of the riches that await even the most blithe person on the planet, the silence after a scratch-off loss is devastating. YOU LOST! THAT MAKES YOU A LOSER! YOU'LL NEVER WIN ANYTHING! MAKE A BET?

No post-scratch interviews. No "good try" from the clerk (half the time it's a vending machine that resembles a Baltic version of a vaguely Vegasy slotesque gambling device). No half off coupons to come back and play again. No one thanking you for helping kids go to college via the Hope Scholarship. Not mine, of course. She chose not to attend a Georgia college. All my lottery money goes to other people's kids, most of whom are undeserving knob slobbers. I hate losing to them.

Then you toss the ravaged card out into a garbage can, the dream aborted, rosy mental budget projections quickly repealed. The mortgage will remain underwater for now.

Occasionally, I'll use one to clear my teeth of stuck meat, but that's rare...the occasion, not the meat, I mean. Which is not to say that the meat doesn't originally START as rare, it's just I don't see how even the most lightly cooked meats, being stuck in the human mouth for hours and hours could physically maintain their state of tartare. THAT would be double rare.

Today, I received this scratch-off at Publix:

Every single box a winner!

Kinda. If you consider $3 prizes a win. I don't.

The uniform cheapness of the prizes proves that this is nothing but an engineered win designed to elicit a positive consumer response; a free crack sample.

I did buy two more with some of my winnings. Sho' nuf:




WAH-WAHHHHHH! BOIOIOIOINGGGG!!!They sure fixed their printing glitches damn fast that day. Can't see it in this photo, but the final prize amount under the "5" is 10 grand. So close. Not really.

There's no double rare in the scratch-off game. Get a matching number, get a tiny prize. Big prize? Non-matching number. To deny this is to be doomed to a double-wide.

I walked away with a profit of $23, which will go to Princess' tuition. I suppose it would be discourteous not to thank the GA Lottery for helping me start my own out-of-state Hope Scholarship.

EMBRACE YOUR INNER HAM

Eric and Steve were too sick for school today, so we all took a best of and I caught up on my busyness. As of blogpublishing time, we should be a go for tomorrow's TRG broadcast on Rock 100.5 at 6am.

As one of Atlanta's most notable Jews, I've been asked to participate in an event sponsored in part by Heeb Magazine, part of the Cool Jew Craze now allegedly sweeping the nation by the likes of Seth Rogan, Adam Sandler, Sarah Silverman, and all those people.

The event organizers even gave me free copies of Heeb to peruse in order to prepare for the panel discussion, "The Impact of Jews in Pop Culture." In keeping with the stereotype, the copies were from 2007. Have they not published since?

The Impact of Jews on Pop Culture. Is there a doubt that Jews have had an impact? Dominance comes to mind. But what has that gotten us lately?

Iran and friends want to wipe the Jews out. Maybe they don't get the genius of the Three Stooges? The gays run Hollywood now. Didn't they see Jaws? Bernie Madoff is getting his ass kicked in prison. Maybe Rickles went over the line a time or two, but come on! OK, not even the box office receipts of all the Spielberg movies bundled in a large suitcase and handed over to his victims could right that wrong. Ass kick away, prisoners. 

What's going on kosher dog? Being tops of the pops is not really cutting it, I'd say. It's like being the best harpist at the Monsters of Rock.

Last week, a band of militant rabbis decided that lox should no longer be considered kosher, threatening the validity of so many Sunday brunches past and present. The implications for thousands of kosher Jews who have eaten lox cannot be calculated. Will they need their entire gastro-intestinal system flushed out or replaced? Should there be an asterisk painted in lamb's blood on Sunday brunch photos that feature the family gathered around a dish of lox? I personally don't give a damn because I refrain from any dietary guideline that doesn't impact my sexiness and I hate lox. Too fishy.

To me, this makes the rabbis look greedy, waiting for a multi-million dollar bribe from desperate lox companies who will pay dearly for their kosher status back. I wouldn't be surprised if Big Bacon stepped up to the plate with a billion dollars to get it's pork products reclassified...and they'd probably get it!!! Buncha corrupt fux. Making lox unkosher because of a technicality? Have you lost your mind? We've got technology now to replace those urban desert myths. And don't think that keeping kosher scores big points in the popular culture anymore. Ya know who else keeps kosher? Yup, the brown guys in funny hats who like to blow up things, and I'm not referring to Grampa Irv in Miami with a hooker.

I'm going to try to take a survey at the discussion festival of how many Jews in the room consider themselves right wing, expecting there will be a lack. I might point out that the beloved Israel we pay lip service to here in the US is filled with right wing Jews who are the only reason why Israel still exists. They have balls the size of beautiful Vidalia onions those people do and manage with an ocean of hatred surrounding them. Even the water has Jew-eating sharks there. They don't survive because thy are court jesters to the new king, and they don't tolerate 7/8ths of the crap American and European Jews do.  Do not mess with the Zohan!

There will be lots to discuss with my fellow Heebs and I look forward to it. My goal, as always, is to solve all the problems in one panel discussion. Sunday, 3/14, 10am, Oglethorpe's Lupton Hall. Lox is optional.

Peteetong!

WE STILL OWN THAT DOME!

Thank you to the folks at something called Secular Stupidest where they sell a fine line of witty conservative and anti-big government stickers.

I opened my email bucket today to discover that they enjoyed my Tea Party speech enough last week to make a sweet video production of my stint. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It was a little pitchy in parts, but I think I have a shot of becoming the next American Idol for at least the Warholian interval for which we are all entitled according to our Constitution and the Talmud.

Here it is, the Red, the Wachs,and the Blue:

HOT CURLER

Friday night I watched the entire women's Olympic curling final. Before you form the word "loser" on your tongue, consider:

This is the captain of the Canadian team, Cheryl Bernard. Low to the ground, mouth open. That's why I like the women's curling. In HD her arched eyebrows, blue eyes, and curling broom made her look like a really athletic, sexy witch.

That was Friday night.

Saturday was another Tea Party appearance to celebrate the one year mark of the thing. I spoke. It went well. The crowd was small, but these events are just there to let people know the flame is still burning, and the November and beyond reclaiming of a somewhat constitutional government is still Job 1. I just wish the speakers would exercise some self-government and get off the stage after 5 minutes. And make sure they have something vibrant to say.

I say this because I was scheduled 7th or something and the first guy out of the box read something like 20 pages of eloquent constitutional thought, which is nice but incredibly dull. The point here is to fire up ordinary citizens with inspirational and witty remarks on the current state of things. Not audition for the next CPAC.

I like Tommy J, and Benny Frank, and all those rednecks who founded our country, but when it's 52 degrees with a windchill of 41, and I'm yay close to doing the unthinkable and borrowing Herman from Dunwoody's New England Patriots pullover as if he's the captain of the football team I'm dating, I'd like not to have to hear another exhaustive study of the Federalist Papers.

Congressman Tom Price got up there, knocked them out with a few pithy, yet rousing, remarks, and called it a day after 2 minutes. Looking forward to the next one, but please, let's remember why we're doing this. Hearts and minds aren't won without editing and wit. 

 

I was so cold that I sought refuge in the Grady Hospital McDonald's which is a little like going to a prison meal or, at least, the snack bar at the DMV...if they had one. I'm happy to say I wasn't assaulted or killed, and the fine employees there wear double gloves on their hands. My only complaint is that the bathroom smelled of homelessness despite the fact that an employee had to buzz you into it from behind the counter. Guess what? That system is not keeping the bum smell out of your bathrooms. Seems to me the lock is keeping the cleaners out, too.

Too much fast food this weekend although Subway isn't really junk and this time it was slow food. I had the misfortune of being behind an entire Indian family with Dad, Mom, Grandmom, 3 kids, and the pet cow...j/k on the cow....might as well though.

The last time my wife thought I was an overbearing control freak, I flew her to India to hang out with some Indian men. This guy...like how I wrote that in an Indian accent? "This guy."...must have grounded his children for a week 4 times for some small transgression in the Subway line like picking white instead of the healthier whole wheat bread, or, Shiva forbid, even looking at the roast beef.

So that took forever just to get their sandwiches off the starting block and then, down the line, the mother...or maybe it was the grandmother. It's hard to tell with that freakin' babushka on her head...runs into trouble with the toppings. Overheard conversation:

SUBWAY SANDWICH ARTISTE: Mademoiselle, What veggies would you like?

INDIAN WOMAN: I'd like some baby spinach on my sandwich.

SSA: Uh...we don't have none o that. Just what's up here on this sign.

(taps the dirty plexiglas with the gloved hand, rendering glove microbially moot)

Now the overbearing Indian dad, having kept the kids in line, goes over to see what her problem is.

OVERBEARING SMALL-PENISED INDIAN DAD: Did you ask for the baby spinach?

INDIAN WOMAN: He is telling me they don't have the baby spinach.

OSPID: OK, then we take the regular spinach.

SUBWAY ARTISTE: Sir, we don't have no spinach.

Then he motions over the franchisee at the register who speaks the culture and explains in Indianese that they don't have any damn spinach and where in Shiva's name does he get that idea? Just a guess. 

That all cleared up, I get to the register and the owner says, "Combo?" with a certain amount of glee. They looove selling those combos. Good profit margins, and it's one of the few words that make them feel like they fit in. COMBO!

"Combo," I reply. Before I go Rambo on this place.

"Combo!" he shouts in that "welcome to Moe's!" style voice, like I won the jackpot. I felt I did, getting out of there with a meal that at one point didn't look possible.

It was tasty, for the record.

Peteetong!

More With DavidMesirow

I found more of my great new V V P (viral video performer)discovery, DavidMesirow! Here's his medicated take on the woes of frequent and fat flier, film director Kevin Smith!

"R U F***in' Serious?" (Rough and Serious)

Hat tip to Regular Guys Show listener and House of Wachs reader Ronnie Mullis of Griffin, GA who emails this enterprising and entertaining bit of journalism:

As I was leaving the Ringling Bros. circus Saturday, my family
stumbled upon an even better show. Maybe not as memorable as the the
MARTA altercations, but worthy of my cell phone video camera
nonetheless. There were 4 adults, 2 men and 2 women (race is obvious),
along with several children in a jam up screaming match in Centennial
Park. I immediately thought of you guys, and your affinity for all
things of the public entertainment genre and shot a quick video. It
was a rush. I felt like an amateur videographer infiltrating ACORN. I
have posted it on youtube for purposes of promoting Atlanta's travel
industry. Here is a link. Peteetong!

Jeez, Shaqueez. You'd think Eric Robert Rudolph had struck anew. What the hell could be so problematic on a beautiful day in the park that you have to be screaming like this?  In the front of the children no less! Those precious children who will grow up and steal my TV and take my life.

Anyway, Ronnie. Peteetong and thank you for the initiative. Who knew that Sebas could inspire anyone out there? We'll have to play this on the air tomorrow. Lucky. You got to see TWO circuses!!!!

Time to Find Out What a Fat Guy Wearing a Tuque w/ Ear Flaps Indoors Thinks.

This is my from-now-on-go-to-guy on current events. My mouthbreathing muse and his take on Tiger Woods' apology.

Good thought-provoking stuff, but I'd like to know more about Bill Clinton's pregnancy next time. Thanks.

(The hit count started at 13. Let's see how influential I am as a blogger, 'cause I'm aiming for CPAC 2011!)

This Was the Wachs Week That Was

It's somewhat embarrassing to restart a blog after 18 months only to cease posting after a couple days. Actually, it's not that embarrassing. It's not like I don't work or boldly think out loud for public consumption and financial fulfillment. It's just anal, is what it is really. Sometimes we imprison ourselves.

Lately, I've been saving some feelings (and boundary-defined energy) for the Tea Party speech I plan to give next Saturday 2/27 at the GA State Capitol. Y'all come. Contrary to the media-influenced warning that we are dangerous people, we're...uh...not. Unless you are currently in the mass media news business, the arts, education, or government, that is. In those cases, the fear is warranted. We are about to give you a hard push in another direction than what you've planned. It's going to hurt, but you'll be OK in the end.

If you like liberty or are even slightly familiar with it's benefits, then you'll like these gatherings. The bulk of the people attending, somewhere in the 90th percentile, are there for freedom from excessive debt, regulation, and taxation. We don't want our lives re-ordered. We like them fine the way they are...or were. It's hard to tell sometimes what's ebbing and what's flowing. There are other issues discussed, but they take a back seat to the demand for a re-re-ordering of the mess we currently have in accordance with constitutional principles. 

With all the talk of how entitlement programs are killing us and how we could be headed for a collapse due to their unsustainability, there actually is one entitlement program that I am quite fond of and, I believe, the only entitlement program that works. It thrills liberals and conservatives alike. It adapts to one's personal needs with little red tape or hassle. It guarantees opportunity. It generates income. It stimulates the economy.

FREEDOM.

We are entitled to it.

Not a bad start. I'll have to polish that up and practice emoting a little this coming week. Now, let's look back on this past week and some of it's shiny objects.

Climategate scientist Jones confesses! "No global warming since 1995."

As banal as evil is, it's end can be even blander.

I just got finished watching V for Vendetta, a very good, if misguided film--the dystopia is caused by neoconservatives circa 2005, but the characters behave like Democrats circa 2009--and it made me chuckle that the titular anti-hero/freedom fighter must learn and exhaust every trick known to every military and government operative in every country in every era, to relieve the high command of their jobs and lives, when in reality, a few leaked emails would likely do the trick.

Now Phil Jones goes out whimpering something that we've known since people used hand puppets to give the weather forecast. No fireworks, no dudes in Guy Fawkes masks, no mass murder of government officials. Just a few leaked bytes and it's over, kids. V is for Vigilance. 

Now would someone fess up about the Swine Flu Hoax?  It's been colder than Madonna's genitals up in here this winter, but I've to yet to bump into anyone I know who has so much of a sniffle. I know...the worst is yet to come if we don't do something now. Better safe than sorry. Here. Please. Take my place in the shot line. You seem to care.

USA's oldest death row inmate dies of old age

Sometimes Too often, the justice system looks downright unjust and plain stupid. I don't think that was the original idea of death row. You don't die on it. You die after it.  I don't understand why people think that this de facto life sentence result is more humane and cheaper to produce.

Why is it remotely humane to elevate the life of the killer over those whom he killed? Why should he be subsidized for the rest of his life by the families of people he killed?  And if he doesn't qualify for the ultimate penalty for the ultimate crime, what then is humane about subjecting this poor innocent to the horrors of prison?

How is it cheaper that if this animal was executed years ago it would have been MORE expensive? I guess it makes sense like the way to lower our debt is to take on more debt. Right? Something along those lines? It's just not cheaper to the state to keep a guy for 27 years instead of hearing a limited number of appeals to salaried employees and then shooting him up with $10 bucks worth of kill drugs.

I'd like to abolish death row and re-institute just plain death amongst our capital convicts.

Robert Pattinson claims to be allergic to vaginas

The cutie boy who's in all the Twilight movies said this. I don't know if he was goofing or not, but since most of his fans have vaginas and with it the commitment to hysteria that comes with the organ, he might want to brush up on his marketing skills.

I personally like the idea of vaginas, but in practice, so much can go wrong with them. It's very difficult to find an ideal one, and even tougher to hang on to it. So I guess i'm not allergic to vaginas, but I do have my doubts as to their efficacy as a pleasure-giving device.

Sarah Palin vs. 'Family Guy'

Family Guy made fun of Sarah Palin's Down's Syndrome child, and guess what? She complained about it.  Why does she even respond to it anymore?

Most people in this country don't care if she has a retarded child either way. They do care that she can allow Family Guy to get under her skin.

She just needs to be a little smoother under pressure and she'll make a fine presidential candidate someday. Oh, and make people forget that she quit as Governor. She did so for practical understandable reasons, but most people will wonder if that quittin' spirit will be present when she deals with unFamily Guys like Ahmadinejad.

Someday. Not today.

Cream of the Crap

Oh, good. Nothing like renaming things to fix a fundamentally broken system. Turd Polisher (and, in all fairness, Governor of GA) Sonny Perdue reveals his new pitch to give the impression of competition without any actual competition taking place.

All-Star Teachers.

What is an All-Star Teacher? I guess it's whatever the Teacher's Union says it is. The Governor is just going along with it. What does he care? He was never a conservative and has no reason to be now.

Forget about what an All-Star teacher is. The more relevant question is, "Do we even need kids to run a school system?"

Shouldn't the kids have some say in this "All Star Teacher" business? They are the implied customer in this relationship. Hell, even Major League Baseball lets their idiot fans decide who their All-Stars will be. If not for the fans, why have an All-Star Game? If not for the kids then...well...ummm...awkward...cut!

And in a school system that hands out unearned plaudits to any tard (sorry Mrs. Palin) who can drool their way through the wisdom of the great Karl Marx for 12 years, all for the privilege of going to a top commie finishing school, you can rest assured that within 5 years, every Georgia teacher will be considered an All-Star and GA students will still be last in everything called smart.

Other than that, I fuckin' LOVE this idea. It's so crazy it just might work. Wish I had an All-Star teacher when I was in school. I might be less offended by the state. 

FOOTBALL CHRISTMAS

Quickly now, my Super Bowl prediction here at 3:12pm 2/7/10:

Saints by 14.

And the funniest commercial will be where the guy gets hit in the balls.

If you are having a vegetarian Super Bowl, as was the suggestion in Whole Foods to us shoppers, you need to be sent to Guantanamo Bay. Not the prison camp. The Bay.

In Honor of JD Salinger

Don't get me wrong. I hated Catcher in the Rye. Although the gay porno it inspired, "Catcher With the Brown Eye," got good reviews.

"Wicked miserable prick, that Sahhhlinger," say some New Hampshire locals in their native brogue. I agree hardscrabble, independent-minded, New Hampshirers who talk like 7-year olds. I for one couldn't care less if he left his house ever. Just died at 91? Hmph! He's been dead to us for decades. If a man can't be cordial to other folks, then fuck him and his whole goddamned family!

But since I haven't posted in...what is this? 2010?...almost two years because I'm a subpar multitasker, I thought the Salinger death was a welcome excuse to say hey. So..hey!

It's weird doing this now when I'm gainfully employed since The House of Wachs began as an unemployment era free market work program. It makes me feel like I'm poking a stick in the many eyes of fate, but since this is year last of our current Regular Guys 3.0 Radio Super Star contract, and given the state of employment around the USA, I guess it might be a good idea to post from time to time to prepare for the worst, yet hope for the best, as those rowdy Tea Partiers would say.

Speaking of that, I do have some content here on this otherwise self-absorbed, but in an iconic way, post. I have been asked to speak at the Tea Party rallies 2/27, 4/15, and another big DC one on 9/12/10. So that's nice. History will likely see me as one of the great fathers of the 2nd American Revolution, or a guy who got audited a lot in the early 21st century. Come on out and be able to say "at least I tried" when the Feds haul you off to the re-ed camps. Bring a picnic and some clever Anti-Obama signs and you'll be hooked. You've only your life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness to lose.

Buy the movie I'm in here, please.

Valentine's Day tip:

BUY THESE CANDY BARS!

Mind-blowingly good.

I ordered some last week for Valentine's, but I broke into em tonight because Saturday night is chocolate night at the home. Living as the only male in the household for 20 years will do that to a fella. So then I ordered another box to present on VD, but forgot it won't come in time, so I ordered ANOTHER with expensive shipping so that I wouldn't look like an asshole for eating all the candy. God, I'm gonna get tits if I'm not careful.

The Bourbon Ganache bar is the one I had. Don't know about the rest, but it seems these people know what they are doing with chocolate.

That's all for now.

WOULD IT HURT TO WRITE ONCE IN A WHILE?

My daughter emailed me this photo. Subject line of the email: a picture of your lover

She takes great pictures that kid, but I could enjoy them just as well without the sass, thanks, young 'un.

Here's Jeff tipping another one of Webb's sneaky off-speed sinkers. Jeff Francoeur was one of the few Braves that Brandon Webb of the D-Bags handled easily today as the Braves win! 7-3. 

The snap was taken with a little Lumix camera because that's all she needed being so close and all. Front row in those new SunTrust Club at Turner Field Seats I got from an immensely supportive manager at work. I believe this birthday was the one in which I lived more like a pasha than any other in Larry Wachs history. It's certainly an upgrade from the dark days of 2006 where I watched a lady drive into a river in upstate NY as we were headed to a funeral on May 26th of that year. At least it was a cool day outside.

And it shattered my streak of bad birthdays in even numbered years as chronicled here. I've even gotten three of the five things I wished for last year.

Readers, make sure you blow out ALLthe candles on YOUR birthday cake. Give a good blow, and don't miss a single one. If all you've got is a cake on your birthday, well, you still have a shot at a better life. This is Larry, of The Regular Guys Show, here to tell you, wishes do come true,  and please help support the fight against birthday candle apathy. Blow them out, not off.

Pateetong!

The SunTrust Club is built in right behind home plate where the camera well used to be. They've replaced it with a restaurant/bar with high quality fresh ingredients and highback cushioned seats. The new section is only 3-4 rows and goes dugout to dugout.  It's as if a big yacht backed into Turner Field somehow. Anything you want, when you want it, brought to your seat, which costs $300 for the evening, so bring a bag next time!

I would seriously consider taking 3 of these seats for my own in lieu of some pay. Think of the savings and perks.

I wouldn't have to pay for a meal at all for 82 days a year.

I'd be sitting with famous and rich people.

The players see you from the on deck circle every at bat for a few weeks and you become like family to them.

Before you know it, Jeff is in the on deck circle, I'm busy making business deals with Turner and Comcast executives, and he shouts, "Hey, Wachs. Let's get some beers after the game."

Well, that impresses the executives so, that the deals are pretty much a matter of signing on the dotted line at that point. Awesomely sweet!

I'm 47, why do you ask?

EARLY 20TH CENTURY NAMING

In today's AJC obituaries:

WACHS' WIG OUT

Own a piece of internet history!

Hi, I'm Larry Wachs, host of one of America's top sub-3 minute broadband comedy news shows, WHAT'S YOUR STORY? on Superdeluxe.com.

Many fans are saddened that the show has not been picked up for a third cycle and they are left with nothing but memories and 20 episodes of old news stories from 2007-08.

But I say to you, fans of broadband comedy news...CHEER UP! Star Trek fans made the most of the handful of episodes left to them after it was cancelled. They only had, like, 8 episodes. Makes your problems seem small, doesn't it?

Unlike the cast of Star Trek, whose stars hoarded their original costumes to be handed to undeserving heirs for untold and unearned wealth, and kept their toups in the closet, the cast of What's Your Story? is making cherished memories available to you immediately.

You are bidding on my wig used in the production of What's Your Story?

Makes a great gift for the broadband comedy news fan on your spring and summer gift list.

The wig comes as is. No returns.

REJECTED

Damn.

I really liked this bit, but it was rejected by CNN's standards and practices for "What's Your Story?" Ep. #19, taping tomorrow.

That's why there's the internet. When things get censored on the internet, they still can be viewed on the internet.

CBS golf announcer Bobby Clampett called golfer Liang Wen Chong, a "Chinaman."

Clampett later apologized, saying it was bad timing to make such remarks while people were watching a South African beat Tiger Woods in a tournament called the Masters.

That's show biz. And let me just take this moment to point out that, contrary what you've heard, there are plenty of businesses just like it.

BEHIND THE STORY

MORE CHICKENS

I wish Gen. Daniel Petraeus could have been at Hooters with me, last week, before the Senate surge against American interests held their annual hostage taking with him as guest victim. Apparently, the surge is working a little too well, and certain senators with the presidency on their mind wanted some snappy answers as to why American defeat was not imminent.

While the good General did a fine job of helping the anti-war wing of the Senate look foolish and myopic again, I thought he would have been a lot better off eating wings and polishing off a pitcher or two with me before going to face the wolves. He would have found a good argument for war there.

I was recently honored to be asked to judge a Hooters bikini pageant. It gave me that Hasselhoff feeling, and I thank the organizers of the pageant. A striking girl of about 23 took the stage to showcase her swimsuit and plastic surgeries for the adoring crowd of priapitics. She was a Vietnamese/African American mix, and her beauty made me wonder if Vietnam was really that much of a quagmire after all.

Mark my words. A generation from now we will be marveling at the beauty of Iraqi-American strumpets with daddy issues, strutting their Weapons of Male Destruction on a riser under a tent somewhere in America on a Friday night. Anti-Iraq protestors will return to their roots as grumpy, unrequited feminists with misspelled placards and get back to some good old fashioned male bashing, and we will all finally understand why we were in Iraq, winning.

The week of political Tourette’s didn’t stop there. It was the anti-flamers who were running around San Francisco this time, indulging into the left's favorite new diversion of capturing the Olympic Torch.

FREE TIBET! the anarchists other unmedicated bipolars running around Golden Gate Park screamed. Darfur is the new Global Cooling.

Don't be fooled. This is just a dress rehearsal for the Democratic convention in Denver, where the depressed and desperate will attempt to rekindle the race riots not experienced since the days when liberalism and it's destructive winds of hope and change were just a gentle breeze.

After that, it's a short microbus trip up to Vail, just in time for the annual ski lodge burning season.

Why does anyone on the left wish to FREE TIBET!? Objectively speaking, Tibet is a theocracy run by a charismatic and exotic dictator, the Dalai Lama. Tibet is not a republic. Its own people are not diverse. There is censorship from within and few, if any, of the personal freedoms that we take for granted.

They also have boy kings. Well, we did too, but Lou Pearlman is in jail, and Nick Lachey got dumped, so our domestic boy king nightmare of the late 90s has been solved.

It doesn't require much imagination to see the problems a nation could have when it wants to mobilize against a predator and its leader is 11 years old. The best outcome one could hope for would be that China accepts a game of Halo to decide who lives and dies.

So it's puzzling to me that a Richard Gere, for example, who is remarkably consistent when it comes to giving the sour lemon face for every line reading in every movie role he takes on, would be so contradictory when it comes to his pets in Tibet. Why THAT theocracy?

How quick were the Tibet Freedom and Torch Snuffers Union to defend Koresh and the Branch Dividians when they were under siege by our separated-from-church state? I think almost 1 person may have protested.

It's almost reflexive, here in our purple states, that when a politician, usually in the Republican party, mentions that their faith may have, on background, in some Zen-like way, have had an influence on their decision-making process in government, the left breaks the glass on the theocracy alarm and readies the bastille with non-lethal beanbag firing arms to ward off the coming neo-Crusades.

It all reminds me of the scene in the Godfather in which the 5 Families get together to discuss this business of narcotics...which is a dirty business. But despite the grumblings from those not already with a piece of the pie, it is resolved: No drug sales near schools or children. Ideally, which is the way most criminal enterprises start out; it would be sold in the black neighborhoods. It's decided that, since this is indisputably where animals live, they have no souls worth saving.

Similarly, the Clinton Crime Family and the Obama Gang have decided that theocracies are OK... in Iraq, Iran, and now, China. After all, China is slowly turning away from Communism, the beloved religion of statists everywhere. They're animals. Let them lose their souls.

DRINKING IRISH PATRIOT BLOOD

Two dudes, Brandon and Brett, going by an outfit named BRTV, posted a video of an inspired performance by a young broadcaster exhorting the crowd to commence drinking Guinness on St. Pats. This occurred before drinking. Not too shabby. It's nice to know this is the floor of such behavior with room to grow.

THE A**HOLE MYSTIQUE

I’ve had it with the Barack Obama myth.

Geraldine Ferraro had it about right, but she fouled it off. Yeah, Barack Obama is getting ahead of that dear sweet old lady, Hillary Clinton, partly because he’s perceived as black. But, so what? Isn’t that only leveling the playing field when Hillary is working her glass ceiling con?

They both represent grievance groups. The guy from the slave people vs. the lady from Feministicism. It’s a wash.

What Geraldine was trying to say was that Barack Obama is an a**hole. You might say that Hillary is one, too, and you’d be correct. I might add that she’s been an obvious a**hole for many years. What’s really propelling Obama’s rise is not his skin hue, but the fact that most of the public doesn’t realize what an a**hole he is just yet.

All the signs are there. The inexperience. The untenable Marxist ideas. The wife deeply suspicious of whites, and the capper this week, the revelation of the Pat Robertson level reasoning, mouth foaming, brow sweating, America-hating preacher in Obama’s inner circle of advisers. Of course, apologists for such behavior will blame conservatives for making a big deal out of nothing.

“Hey, Obama didn’t say it.” Of course not.  Obama was just watching and occasionally having long private conversations with this virtual stranger. Now, that Mitt Romney… Whoo, boy! THAT was a crazy kinda Christian. You need to look into that Mormonism. I believe they take several wives at a time, they do.

Jimmy Carter was a jerk who got lucky by following a slimy Republican and running against a statue who pardoned the slimy Republican. He was folksy and southern, and America’s lefties, feeling guilty for treating the ancestors of slave-holding crackers in such disregard for years, felt obliged to help the South rehab itself  by encouraging the folksy, New South Carter into high office. Problem was, Carter disliked Jews and was a coward in the face of dictators. It wasn’t until he was in office and scolding America for not wearing sweaters that America figured out what an a**hole he was.

Obama is an a**hole whose time will come soon enough, so let’s set that aside and inspect the aftermath of an a**hole whose time has come and gone.

The Governor who wanted to be an Emperor, Elliot Spitzer, made the quickest exit from public life since Bud Dwyer, but I think The Spitz will be plenty OK after all this dies down. Fans of injustice will recall that, before he was Attorney General and Governor of NY, he was well known by many to be a plain a**hole  with money. Now that he's back to being a plain a**hole with money,  I'm sure the adjustment won't be so difficult for him.

Ms. Ashley Dupre, fresh from allowing Mr. Spitzer to give her an exit poll, has left Manhattan what with the media hounding her because they are outraged she's taken jobs from illegal Mexicans and Koreans.

She will now calmly and rationally, with her team of porn advisors,  ponder the many career offers that are pouring in from oil companies, think tanks, the military, research laboratories, Microsoft, Google, and Bill Clinton.

She's gonna be OK in life. Her problems are over. Now, she'll earn enough to keep her in clubs, drugs, and 24-hour diners until she reaches her expected life span of 37. Besides, no one I know disputes that her pop single is a monster #1 hit, so she's got some back up cash in case a protracted bidding war heats up between Saudi princes and hedge fund managers.

Remember her philosophy as summed up in her pithy MySpace page maxim. "What destroys me, strengthens me." How true. Who amongst us doesn’t gain strength from being destroyed? Look at Elvis. Falling off a toilet seat to his death was about the wisest decision he ever made.

So whether it’s the rap desperadoes she hangs out with who eventually manage to go through all her money, or the GNP of Peru that turns her vascular system into a human Ganges, Ashley Alexandra Dupre Youmans Romo is made from the stuff of survival. No, don't cry for her, America.

But has anyone given any thought during this mess to how all this must make Ashley's cousin feel? It must be torture being the cousin of a high dollar prostitute. All those years of, "I want to, but I can't" has now suddenly become "I EASILY COULD HAVE!!!" (groan)

Tough break, kid. But look at the bright side. If no relative made those late night visits to sis' room, America would still be without it's first blind governor. You can't argue with progress, even when it seems like it's dirty and illegal.

WEEK IN THE REAR VIEW 3/8/08

Rapper Juvenile 'devastated' over Gwinnett triple slayings

A teenage gunman allegedly shot and killed the New Orleans rapper's daughter Thursday along with her Sheriff's Deputy mother and older sister in their Lawrenceville, Georgia home, authorities have confirmed.

The victims--39-year-old Joy Deleston and her two daughters, 11-year-old Micaiah, and 4-year-old Jelani—were gunned down by Deleston's 17-year-old son, Anthony Tyrone Terrell.  Jelani was the daughter of Juvenile.

Police discovered the bodies in the residence on Thursday and took Terrell into custody Friday, booking him on three counts of murder and three counts of aggravated assault after he pointed them to the location of the gun he allegedly used in the slayings.  Detectives do not yet have a motive.

Per the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Deleston gave birth to Jelani back in 2004 and subsequently filed a paternity suit against the hip-hopster claiming he was the father.  The two sides eventually settled the case amicably with Juvenile acknowledging he was the father and agreeing to pay child support.

Maybe if Juvenile took responsiblity, actually fathered the children, instead of being forced by the courts to pay off the woman, he wouldn't be grieving..if he is. That's not support. That's bribery. Court-ordered guilt payments.

I was recently watching Def Comedy Jam where African-Americans chortle in delight as other African-Americans point out how backward they are. One woman was doing a routine about how she don’t want nothing to do with her boyfriend's kids. She was with him for one reason and one reason only. She need her some.

WHOOOOOOOOO!!! HOT DAMN!!! hooted the audience. You go girl. You don't need no man kids. Nu-uh.

I thought it was funny and sad. People in the audience howling at their own demise.

Usually it’s the woman who has the kids, and when this attitude is combined with the lethality of the frustrated, itinerant male, the results are about what you'd see in Gwinnett in the case of Juvenile, the naive and ludicrous rapper.

Clayton school board member quits hours before crucial meeting

I wonder if the outraged teen-aged parents and 30-something grandparents down in Clayton County can spell "accreditation." Well, they have no one to blame but themselves for the mess they find themselves in vis a vis the school board and it's inability to get it's schools certified by the obnoxiously low standards of the government.

They should protest themselves for being so severely lacking in judgment that they let thieves and incompetents play political games with their children's lives. How come neighboring counties don't have this problem? They elect from the same pool of bureaucratic idiots. Oh, yeah, they have good bureaucrats in Henry County.

I think that Clayton County is now officially run by tribes and warlords. Send in a surge.

Kid Rock Pleads NG in Waffle House assault case

I can't help but wonder what Kid Rock's life insurance premiums are like? I just got rejected for some life insurance due to some cancer on face. It was excised 100% but the insurance company said, "No. More money."

Kid Rock gets into Waffle House fist fights, apparently eats there a bunch, smokes cigarettes, and was dating that hepatitis case for awhile. I'd be pissed if he has life insurance at a reasonable rate.

I will say this though. Kid Rock, you have re-asserted yourself as the King of Dirt. You are the capo di tutti trash. You have embraced your inner redneck. I think I speak for all Waffle House customers when I say that getting arrested at Waffle House is a very cool move.

Kid Rock won't make the Fonzie mistake. If you're gonna put on a leather jacket, you best be backing it up with a good kick in Jose's teeth when he doesn't pay his cock-fighting debts. When you put on a wife-beater, it's not the time to look for a cure for breast cancer. Respect the shirt, boy.

It's a fact. America loves a filthy, unrepentant cracker, especially one that is willing to sacrifice his good name for a more authentic music listening experience. Without Kid Rock getting himself arrested at Waffle House, you might as well be listening to Fall Out Boy.

Steinem says McCain's POW status is overrated.

Gloria Steinem is so penis envious it's insane. If you said to her tomorrow, I can give you the penis you always wanted but it's John McCain's dried up shooter, she'd lunge for it.

POW is what they call Gloria's dates...Prisoner Of Witch.

Gay-marriage foes face tough questions from California high court

Guess which headline writer is in favor of gay marriage?

Yeah, the foes of gay marrage are facing the tough questions because they only have the law since the beginning of time on their side. It's a tough case to make.

It's the people who want to re-engineer society that will have the easy questions.

Dungeons & Dragons Co-Creator Dies at 69

That would be one Mr. Gary Gygax, as middle schools across the land flew their flags at half mast in honor of him. How many did he help to extend their virginity well into their 20s, and save society from so many unwanted pregnancies?

Former starting QB Harrington released by Falcons

See that Falcons fans? You don't have to kill a single dog to get released. Just suck.

Actually with his O-line and surrounded by such immense talents such as Alge Crumpler and Roddy White and Warrick Dunn, he wasn't given much of a chance.

But the Falcons have brought in this guy from the Unsentimental Patriots and it seems there is no time for the reeaissance of Joey. Now we have Chris Redman as the front runner for ATL QB pending further unsentimentality.

In less than one year, the Falcons QB position has gone from foolish black man to Chris Redman.

Men who do housework may get more sex

Like sex with your wife is some big whoop reward. My wife didn't even reward me for getting my new high-paying radio job. Now all of a sudden she'll be in heat because I picked up a throw pillow? Hip-hopper, please!

The report, released Thursday by the Council on Contemporary Families...

What crypto feminazi douchebag propaganda machine is this, and what kind of mythological world do they think we live in where men sit around all day and do nothing...and yet the bills get paid?

The shocking part is not the story, but the fact that every TV, radio, and news outlet in America had it featured prominently for a whole news cycle. There must be reporters who actually report somewhere, but I guess budget cuts in the media have made them rarer. The only real reporting we get these days is from the crews who follow Britney Gash and Paris Slutson around.

They really earn their paycheck, which is not to imply that they are actually pitching in around the house just because they went out and earned.

SOME TIME FOR REMARKS

There was Michelle Obama on TV, boldly telling America that she was proud of us for the first time and that saying her husband's middle name of "Hussein" is off limits. Bitch, who do you think you are?

Why can't Barack Hussein Osama control his wife? Why can't Bill Clinton?  My wife decides to start her own morning show after I'm done? BAM!

Another entitlement junkie we got here with this Obama chick. She's learned nothing from the fall of Hillary the Inevitable.

Insinuating that Barack Obama has ties to our enemies by publicly saying his middle name "Hussein," is off limits. However, insinuating that John McCain had an affair with lobbyists, and may not be eligible for the presidency because he was born in Panama is fair game.

And what's the penalty for not obeying? A scolding from people I intensely dislike?

After careful consideration, I have decided to continue my referring to Barack Obama as "Hussein Osama." Oh, it'll be rough withstanding the mocking and withering stares of people who are scared of Democrats, but I think I'll be able to pull through.

Is this how Obama would handle international affairs? Will he scold our enemies for not playing fair with nothing to back it up?

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I also sat in wonderment and some embarrassment as one of Clinton Racing's top drivers, John Lewis of GA, pulled some Shake and Bake by announcing he was going to throw his Superdelegate cape over Barack Obama.

Even the reporter was astonished at his assertion that changing allegiances from the Clintons was harder than walking in protest at Selma, AL in the 60s.

What a remarkable statement he's making. Walking over a bridge in the 1960s in Alabama knowing you will get your ass kicked by the force of law, is easier than screwing over the Clintons? I would think just the opposite.

Does that mean the Clintons are meaner than the crackers who bashed in Lewis' head in the 60s in Alabama?

God help John Lewis if the Clinton's somehow win.

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The glorious news is that Jamie-Lynn Spears, known as 'the normal Spears' on account of her only being pregnant at 16, has passed her GED. That's Grade Equivalency Diploma for people in Roswell. At least the grad party was top shelf with all the GEDers getting it on courtesy of their ultra cool parents with their condoms at the ready.

My money was on STD or IUD before GED. Despite this setback, I'm going to wager that DVD is in her future.

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I heard overheard two classics this weekend.

At a dull party with good food several nights ago, (WTF has "couples showers?" That is way beyond what decent society requires.) I sat with the other men who didn't want to be there while we smoked and ate and talked about war and golf while staring at "Wedding Crashers" on TBS.

The scene on the screen during a lull in conversation was a montage of Vince Vaughn and his buddy Owen Wilson making out with all these chicks they meet at weddings.

A 75-year old guy said to me, "They're just bangin' everybody, aren't they?"

Yes, they are. Classic.

The other one was with Southside Steve on the golf course. Steve was bitching about how Eric always mocks him and he was particularly harsh the other day during one of his many mistakes. He said he felt like he was a Jew being brought to the showers by the constant persecution of Eric the Nazi, but it came out like this:

"I felt like a Jewish person being dragged into the bathrooms."

Classic.

UNLAXING

Look at that, will ya? It's me and my new honey snookums. My new side piece. Me and Mara Davis from DAVE FM gettin' it on at the Funny Farm Comedy Club in Roswello where we were making the social scene for the first time as a couple.

Where's her left arm? Gentlemen don't discuss...but I will.

Nah, you know what? I'm gonna be a gentleman and make this flame last a good long while.

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On the Wachs Water Watch....Due to recent storms in the Johns Creek area, the drought is over as far as I'm concerned. Long onanistic showers are back in vogue amongst the glitterati of the JC.

I attribute this sudden growth in water resources to another thing. The big road signs telling us to save water.

I was driving down GA141 to work one recent rainy morning, and there it was in big bright letters so one could see it through the driving rain.

GA GOVERNOR'S ORDERS. CONSERVE WATER! - % * 7<#

Which is helpful when you're driving, because it reminds you to shut off the faucet in your car.

While conservation is nice and all, I'm a supply-sider by nature, and feel we really need to focus more on making it rain. Government prayer was a great start, don't get me wrong, but I think we should go back to burning trash in the yard and leaded gasoline. It sure rained like fuck back in those days.

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Speaking of resources, I'd like to remind the Shell on P'tree in front of Channel 2, that if you must insist on charging 3.50/gallon for gas, at least put some damn paper in your receipt machine. Or improve your snack and drink offerings to offset the cost of gas.

People don't realize the real benefit of a big retail outlet in front of a gas pump. Lower gas prices. What does Wal-Mart care if they're losing money on their gas? As long as it brings in carloads of giant cheap people willing to stop in the store to gorge themselves on overpriced carbs and buy the 6 packs of jeans and the 100 pack of adult diapers it'll take to contain their output.

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It's Friday night. Winding down. It's Pill Night, of course. A tradition resurrected for my latest go-round with the 4 bells lifestyle. The valium is starting to work, so I better knock out one more observation about my week...let's see...

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Yeah. I almost forgot that today was Leap Day, so I'd like to give a little nod to this rarest of days.

The Leap Year was invented years ago by scientists and calendar officials to adjust our calendars to solar reality. Calendars, it turns out, are just rough estimates of a year, and we seem to lose a couple of hours each year. This can get out of hand pretty fast, as you can guess. If not checked, we'd be having snow in June in most of the country, Summer vacation would be in January, and breakfast would be for dinner.

The Leap Day fixes all that so we have a reliable year with few surprises along the way.

And you know what? I think it's great. I really feel like today was the day that we're all back on track. We're gonna do it now, with hope and change and opportunity.

McFadden and Whitehead! Sing!

"Aiiiiinn't noooo stop pin us noooooowww...WE'RE ON THE MOVE!"

NO CITY FOR ANGRY MEN

This evening, I took the opportunity to address the Johns Creek City Council, and the mayor, on the problem of Eric Von Haessler's hateful and disrespectful remarks recently about my city. Here is the text of my address.

Mr. Mayor, council members, media people, friends---

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. This is a tale of two cities. This is a tale of two men. This is a tale of 2 girls and 1 cup, and this is the tale of two ideas so diametrically opposed that somethig must give.

Recently, my colleague at work, Mr. Eric Von Haessler, chose to pursue an extremely slanderous agenda aimed at the city of Johns Creek. The motivation is not clear nor very important, although I happen to think that he is jealous and has a bit of a screw loose because of his choices in life.

Eric Von Haessler, you see, lives in Roswell. That's right, you heard me, Roswell. A city blighted by grifters, pimps, illegals, card counters, strippers, hippies, people with ED, gypsies. tramps, MARTA riders, motorcycle gangs, drug dealers, jackrabitt retailers, troglodytes, waterheads, and illegals. Mr. Von Haessler, of Roswell thinks it's OK to call Johns Creek an inferior city. He says it's OK to step up criticism of our new city from the ooze of Roswell, GA.  Well, ain't that the cess pool calling the creek wet?

I call upon you board members and Your Honor the Mayor to release to me a grant of $500. With these funds, I will endeavor to print posters of Mr. Eric Von Haessler's stupid face and get these posters placement in the fine homes and businesses in Johns Creek.

I call them "Not Wanted" posters. When Mr. Von Haessler comes to visit our city he can be shunned as he should be for his insensitive and hypocritical remarks.

In closing, I would like to say how much I love Johns Creek and America. But unlike America, Johns Creek is new and fragile. It's newer than Iraq..I'm pretty sure. Whatever. In order for greatness to occur, there must be limits to our tolerance. Roswell tolerates grifters, pimps, illegals, card counters, strippers, hippies, people with ED, gypsies. tramps, MARTA riders, motorcycle gangs, drug dealers, jackrabitt retailers, troglodytes, waterheads, and illegals. Are we going down that road?

I believe Delta flies to Roswell. So if you don't like it here. They're ready when you are.

Snap. And Thank you.

THE HAPPY GAP

Here's some more sad news for Democrats. Most Americans are pretty darn happy. Let's be clear. Most of what Americans categorize as sadnesses are really annoyances. And most of those annoyances come at the tail end of something really good.

Take cell phones. They save time, money, and the environment. That's the fundamental reason why we buy them, because as cameras, they suck.

How many trips in the dreaded SUV do we save because we called from the road to make sure the family wants the 4th rotisserie chicken and bag of salad dinner this week? I got this job, not because I'm very good at writing. I got this job because I have better portable email than funnier people, and I don't belong to a union.

But it's the annoyances and little trade-offs that get people's attention. They tend to stick out in a crowd of progressions in our evolution as social beasts that have become taken as given.

That's why we read with mounting dread that the end is nigh because cell phones can give you head cancer (even though it's a flimsy theory). The fees for quitting a binding contract are draconian (even though you knew full well when you signed up, ya big baby). The police can track your whereabouts with your cell phone (even though they don't care about you because you haven't killed anybody).

Cell phone service also sounds like shit in most places, the Bluetooth headsets make us look like jerks, and it makes people do loud Bob Newhart-style routines in public. But who amongst us is impractical and politically-minded enough to give their phone up tomorrow? Hands?

OK, you three over there. Good luck. Tell Mr. Kaczynski we said hello. The rest of us understand that the good outweighs the bad, and best of all, no government agency planned this. We did. The people of Lilliput.

The government pretty much now functions as a tech support call center for people's complaints about their luxuries.

"He's emailing me junk."

"My health insurance makes it unaffordable to fill my mouth with extra calories."

"Their sales techniques were too persuasive."

So what does this mean for Democrats? The campaigns of Barack O Carter and the Horny President's Wife have been pretty pessimistic. In fact, they are virtually identical to the philosophical musings of recent presidential drop out John Two Americas, the only difference being that JTA doesn't have the pelt of BOC or HWPHRC, whose African and female hides are valued more in the Democrat political markets.

To them, we the people are drinking the vintage from where the grapes of wrath are stored and we need to be pacified by those who can. HPWHRC (a.k.a. HipWork) promises nothing less than a full redress of grievances for all Americans with a problem coping with life's advances.

Barack O Carter talks about the "Audacity of Hope" as if it takes daring to sit on your ass all day and dream. And his wife reveals that, until recently, she was cross with America for never ever considering black people for anything, even though she and her friends went to Princeton and Harvard, and pretty much did as they pleased.

I don't think it matters much for Democrats which one of these welfare staters wins. It's the Republicans race to lose, and it has been that way since the 60s. Different faces, from different places. Same results. It's the outlook, stupid.

MAROONED

Today's disturbing photo is me with the fellas from Maroon 5...actually Maroon 2/5ths...or Maroon 40%..that sounds better than Maroon 2. I'm going to send this to my friends in the radio trade papers and websites so I can get a reputation as the morning show host who poses with celebrities from other people's shows.

They were in the radio building today on the other station, Q100. Adam Levine, the lead singer is on the left, and I don't know the Kurt Cobain looking dude's name, so I'll call him Stinky, because he was a little gamy from the road. That's less a smile of joy on my face than one of hypoxia from holding my breath while the staff photog fiddled with some settings on the camera.

Feel free to caption. That's what blogs are 4.

LARRY THE KING

OK, fuck it. I changed my mind. Man's prerogative. My last post brought nothing but negative reaction and embarrassment. Burger King brought back the Whopper.

I will post when I get the chance, and right now I have the chance. Rejoice.

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In Whole Foods I saw a magazine with big fat Paula Deen on the cover. What is healthy about her cooking? Organic lard?

Why is it that Whole Foods doesn't carry People Magazine at their checkout stands? What religion are they running in there that gossip and humor are in the same category as trans-fats?

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Everytime I jog past this one house in my neighborhood, a crazed poodle (I think it's Korean owned which explains the neuroses) leaps out of the bushes and acts like an asshole toward me. It can't go very far or else it's electronic collar zaps it. Ethically, I have no problem teasing the dog so it shocks itself over and over again until it learns. Get some manners crazy poodle!

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On the news, I heard a reporter give the grim story of how an inner city youth named DeAnthony was killed in some inner city mischief. I can't help but think that his name had a little something to do with the fact that he was DeAnthonized. When you name your kid in the negative such as DeAnthony, or UnShawn, or Nochelle, you have to understand that you are putting a target on their back. Henceforth, I am calling my daughter, Proretha.

-----------------

At the QT one recent morning:

CLERK: 53 cents is your change. Come on back.

He left the register to go to the back room of the store, so I followed him. Maybe I won a prize for being a polite customer.

CLERK: WTF are you doing back here?

ME: You told me to come back.

Turns out that's what they tell people to make them return to the store in the future.

We had a good laugh about the mix-up and he invited me to sit on the milk crates with him and look at a copy of Juggs magazine he stole from the rack up front.

-----------------------

Police station cars outside of bars on the theory that dangerous drivers will be leaving the parking lots late at night. That may be true, but my experience of late is that more dangerous drivers are leaving hospitals than bars and nightclubs. Twice in the past two weeks, I've swerved to avoid women crying as they leave the hospital. God knows what goes on in there, but it makes them lose control of themselves. Women, disease, driving. That's a deadly cocktail, friends.

------------------

Hey, Gator fans who get Georgia plates with the Gator logo. I'm buying a pack of Sharpies to keep in the car. Just lettin' ya know. Isn't it enough that you steal our water? You want a Florida tag? Move to GODDAM FLORIDA!!!

-----------------

Billy Ray Cyrus recently apologized for his daughter, Hannah Montana, not wearing seatbelts in her movie...in 3D yet!!! I appreciate the sentiment, but I can handle this.

Well, Daddy. Hannah Montana doesn't wear seat belts. (LOUD BELT NOISE ON KID'S ASS)

------------------

Here's a photo of Gary Coleman getting married.

Gross!

The gays must be really pissed. It's really rubbing their noses in it when this marriage can occur but their's cannot.

STATE OF THE BLOG

Daddy still loves you even though he is going to be living in a different house now.

As you can tell, House of Wachs has been split off and left in amber to some degree, a small regret in the overall joy of regaining overemployment. 

Back to real paying work (with contracts, perks, and a staff!!) does not make it practical to do daily writing, so the postings here will be minimal from now until the time comes when they won't be minimal.

Regular Guys dotcom has been redirected here for people interested in the radio show podcasts, photos, news, videos, and contests.

Since 20% of HOW/TRG website patrons were here exclusively for HOW, (70% for TRG, and 10% stumbling in by accident or Google), I'm going to keep tending garden on the site so people can take the time to browse the extensive content offerings and enjoy them. I loved working on it over the past 4 years and it helped me get through some tough career times and keep me prepared for opportunities.

The Regular Guys Show 3.0 is off to a great start with big plans for world domination ahead. I hope you'll continue to contribute to it, as you did in past versions, and here at HOW, with emails, calls, and submissions.

LW

WHAT'S YOUR STORY? #12

TRG 02-12-08

Of all the blogs on the Rocker incident, this one made the most sense. Kudos, unknown webmeister!

The Sports Point.

Today's podcasts:

FU Line

Kincaid on Rocker

News Jog

Tennessee/Georgia border war

Email Bucket

The Return of Tommy

SSSTV presents:

Boob Chat w/ John Rocker.

"I'm with a set right now" --SSS

BONUS SSSTV:

"Tribute to Ben the Bunnyman."

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This Valentime's Day, make sure you head to Solomon Bros Jewelers, 17th floor, Tower Place in Buckhead!

Make sure you tell them you heard it from your pals, The Regular Guys, for great discounts.

----------------------------------------------------

Calls to the show: 404 741 ROCK 6-10am M-F

FU line: 404-847-9002

Email Bucket: regularguys@atlantasrockstation.com

TRG 02-11-08

The Regular Guys Show made national headlines today WITHOUT getting fired!

Quite a breakthrough! Read the story aqui.

Listen to the saga unfold in our daily podcasts:

John Rocker on Steroids

also

FU line

News Jog

Larry Munson, Jr. on Sports debuts

SSSTV PRESENTS:

"Inside the Dancer" at the Pink Pony

       "How do you keep your figure?"

        "I'm 19 years old."                        

-- Aspen, Pink Pony Dancer

----------------------------------------------------

This Valentime's Day, make sure you head to Solomon Bros Jewelers, 17th floor, Tower Place in Buckhead!

Make sure you tell them you heard it from your pals, The Regular Guys, for great discounts.

----------------------------------------------------

Calls to the show: 404 741 ROCK 6-10am M-F

FU line: 404-847-9002

Email Bucket: regularguys@atlantasrockstation.com

TRG 02-08-08

Today's podcasts:

Ace Reporter Rodney Ho

Atlanta Rollergirls

News Jog

FU line

Craigslist Confidential: Star Trek Deep Space 69

SSSTV presents: The Atlanta Rollergirls

----------------------------------------------------

Calls to the show: 404 741 ROCK 6-10am M-F

FU line: 404-847-9002

Email Bucket: regularguys@atlantasrockstation.com

WHAT'S YOUR STORY? #11

TRG 02-07-08

TODAY'S PODCASTS

I've Got a Rash w/Dr. Mike.

FU Line

News Jog 1

News Jog 2

News Jog 2

SSSTV presents:

Behind the Scenes of Homeless Karaoke

----------------------------------------------------

Calls to the show: 404 741 ROCK 6-10am M-F

FU line: 404-847-9002

Email Bucket: regularguys@atlantasrockstation.com

TRG 02-06-08

TODAY'S PODCASTS

SSSteve's Exit, not an entrance, poll.

News Jog 1

FU line

News Jog 2

SSSTV presents:

"Bitch Slap Trivia: Wachs v. Rickman."

The Regular Guys "Welcome Back to Radio" Happy Hour is Thursday, 2/7, 5-7pm, at The Pink Pony, off Buford Highway, just north of Druid Hills Rd.

Food. Liquor. No cover. Little clothing.

----------------------------------------------------

Calls to the show: 404 741 ROCK 6-10am M-F

FU line: 404-847-9002

Email Bucket: regularguys@atlantasrockstation.com

TRG 02-05-08

Today's podcast delights:

News Jog Part 1

Mr. Skin

Bitch Slap Trivia: Larry v. SSSteve

Ben the Bunnyman Memorial Tribute Segment

News Jog Part 2

SSSTV presents:

"The UFL"

---------------------------------------------------

The Regular Guys "Welcome Back to Radio" Happy Hour is Thursday, 2/7, 5-7pm, at The Pink Pony, off Buford Highway, just north of Druid Hills Rd.

Food. Liquor. No cover. Little clothing.

----------------------------------------------------

Calls to the show: 404 741 ROCK 6-10am M-F

FU line: 404-847-9002

Email Bucket: regularguys@atlantasrockstation.com

TRG 02-04-08

BULLETIN:

Our good pal, Ben Connor, (aka Ben the Bunnyman) died over the weekend. He gave us many entertainment memories, and we will miss him greatly. Be sure to tune in Tuesday when we pay tribute to Ben with memorable moments from his appearances over the years on The Regular Guys Show. Ben's website is listed to the right under "WACHS LINCHS."

Rest in Peace, Sweet Bunnyman.

Today's podcasts:

Derek St. Holmes Chat

FU Line

Ask George Stein

News Jog 100.5

SSS and the Urban Football League

SSSTV presents "Caroline Rhea Goes to the Potty."

Calls to the show: 404 741 ROCK 6-10am M-F

FU line: 404-847-9002

Email Bucket: regularguys@atlantasrockstation.com

TRG 02-01-08

Today's podcasts:

Comedians Caroline Rhea and Costaki Economopolous

News Jog 1

News Jog 2

News Jog 3

Former Falcon and current Seahawk Patrick Kerney

Today's SSTV episode:

"Bitch Slap Trivia"

TRG 01-31-08

Spend some more time with The Regular Guys®

It's not like your day is going anywhere.

Todays podcasts:

FU line

News Jog Part 1

News Jog Part 2

News Jog Part 4

Super Bowl hooker

Southside Steve TV w/ guest Kelly Clarkson

Calls to the show: 404 741 ROCK 6-10am M-F

FU line: 404-847-9002

Email Bucket: regularguys@atlantasrockstation.com

TRG 01-30-08

Today's podcasts:

Larry stalks Kelly Clarkson.

SS Steve confesses to his dog-loving girlfriend that he once participated in dogslaughter.

Regular Guys Squares

News Jog 100.5 part 1

News Jog 100.5 part 2

Today's episode of SSSTV:

"SHOOT STEVE"

Calls: 404 741 ROCK

FU line: 404-847-9002

Email Bucket: regularguys@atlantasrockstation.com

TRG 01-29-08

Today's podcasts:

The George Stein Files

News Jog 100.5

Today's Southside Steve TV Episode

CALL IN LINE: 404-741-ROCK (7625)

E-MAIL BUCKET: regularguys@atlantasrockstation.com

F.U. LINE: 404-847-9002

3.0

Welcome back Regular Guys Show listeners!

This site will undergo some changes, but in the interim, here's how it works.

The Regular Guys Show is officially back on Atlanta airwaves at Rock 100.5, and streamed to America.

Today's podcasts are:

The News Jog

Ben the Bunnyman and the Heart of Pig

Grandma Lipstick's RG Theme for Children

Check our newest feature on the web...Southside Steve TV!

The phone number to call in during show hours (6-10am Eastern):

404-741-ROCK (7625)

THE FU (Faith and Understanding) LINE:

404-847-9002

(note 8pm 1/28 : we are currently having trouble with the phone line, so don't be discouraged. Hold that FU!)

EMAIL BUCKET ADDRESS:

regularguys@atlantasrockstation.com

CLINTON STEALS

My old pal Tim Conway, Jr. who can be heard weeknights from 8-11pm Pacific in Los Angeles on KLSX,(97.1FM) and on the web, emails a complaint.

"Hey, that Clinton is stealing my dad's act!"

Well, I sure as hell won't be voting for him to be president this year. Not after this.

HIDES IN PLAIN SIGHT

Great episode tonight of "Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency." Did you see it?

Janice invites the organizers from the LA chapter of PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) to come in to strong arm her agency and all the models into giving up fur.

So the PETA guy tells all the models that his job is to go undercover to investigate the practices of fur makers. It's easy to see how he could sneak unnoticed into their farms and factories what with his inconspicuously blonded surfer haircut, colorful surfer blouse, and madras cargo shorts. The same disguise that helped him infiltrate GLAAD while he was working for Scientology.

He wants Janice's guys and gals to go outside to Hollywood Blvd. and take off their clothes in protest of fur, on the theory that the best way to convince the fur wearing public to abandon wearing fur is for hot men and women to threaten them with nudity.

"I don't know, Darryle. If we continue to wear fur those hot guys with great abs and big shaved ones over there might take off their clothes and start teabagging. Maybe we should stop."

It's a tribute to the horniness of guys that not a single male model questions the motivation of the dreamy PETA organizer.

As if these professional attention-cravers need anymore convincing to go nude on Hollywood Blvd, the PETA soldierette then shows the emotionally fragile group a video about how furs are made.

And it's all this footage of some busted up animals getting skinned alive in the 80s at some rogue fur outfit, likely in the Third World, by people who have been languishing in a Burmese prison since 1986, and they strawman it as representative of the entire fur industry. And if it weren't for these evil fur people, why, these animals would be free to run their own businesses and take their kids to the mall and get regular checkups from a family physician at a low universal price.

I don't think the crying was any less than the day Freddie Mercury died.

Then Janice tells the models--only because it's required by law--that any model who wishes to retain their dignity and opt out of the festivities, could do so without retribution. HA!

One shyly does, and she is immediately crucified by the still red-eyed males around her.

"I'm just curious," says one bossy hugo. "Why did you choose not to help? I don't understand"

"Let me ask you," she replies. "Why do you choose sex with other men? I don't understand."

No, I made that part up. She didn't say that. That's what I would have said to this Speedo clad bully. Tend your own garden, Lollipop.

After the nude anti-fur rally, which results in a sharp increase of animals being beaten for their pelts, it's back inside the agency for champagne and poppers to celebrate the top notch morality work they have performed for mankind and the all the little creatures of the forest who lie still with their skulls caved in.

Every episode a riot. It's like watching a society on Neptune with this show.

I didn't read her book, but I understand that Janice Dickinson has been a victim of bad men, and that's tough on a gal. I like Janice. She looks fun and she's very smart and experienced, but she hates herself. She's very crude and tough. Not at all soft and graceful as a woman of her age should be if she were comfortable with herself. We saw what happened to Heath Ledger after bad experiences with men. He didn't even get an Oscar for that. Ya gotta give a guy an Oscar if he takes a rogering in a movie. They gave one to Daniel Day-Lewis and all he had to do was learn to paint with his feet. Big deal.

So, Miss Janice, I would suggest that the best way to deal with the demons of being knocked around by bad men in the past is to not appropriate and incorporate their behavioral characteristics into your own personality profile. It's not a turn on, a 60-something chick with a Picassoesque face and a sailor's mouth, who behaves like the daughter of Tara Reid and Mr. T.  Just not sexy.

STIM YOU LATER

Congress unveils economic stimulus deal

Oh, that stimulus package. So stimulating. R U stim u l8ed?

I don't think I am. It says here on the packaging:

The full rebate would be limited to individuals earning $75,000 or less and couples with incomes of $150,000 or less, but a partial rebate would go to individuals earning up to $87,000 and couples earning up to $174,000.

If it's based on the tax year just finished in which I was massively underemployed, then I'm eligible. I'll take it for sure, but there's no reason to believe it's going to help the economy.

The very fact that I have to have a pretty unproductive year in order to qualify for a government rebate check is the only evidence needed to show that it's nothing more than taking money out of one pocket and putting it into another. Basic economics right there.

The economy is only stimulated when people and businesses can count on keeping more money in their check each week over the long haul.  What's that? You think a $600 lump sum is gonna get someone to start a business? You couldn't even start an illegal business with that.

I'm going to spend it if I get it, and so will everyone else, but since everything costs more and the dollar is worth less, what's the point? You'd do better if you just filled a few Army transport planes with $150 billion in cash and dropped it over random cities and towns. At least then, the successful people could take their money back by rolling a few lucky crackheads.

In the past several years, I've been offered several jobs. NONE of them came from people earning less than $75,000 a year.

Wait, that's wrong. Three years ago I was approached by a schlepper for an internet radio venture. I agreed to meet for lunch to discuss and was met by two guys of college age, one of whom wore an Army surplus jacket to the event (he was the CEO of the venture), and the other with a nice business ski cap on.

Contract?

"We don't believe in them."

Sales staff?

"Not yet."

Studios?

"Not yet, but a friend is helping us with the equipment which we're getting."

Looks promising. Capital?

"An associate has promised $5 million dollars."

Salary?

"Whatever you need."

When does this start?

"About a month from now."

After some haggling, I got a free hamburger and the chance to leave. Pretty good deal, however no wealth was created on that day.

Abstract economic lesson made concrete. People without a pot to piss in cannot give you a job. People with capital (i.e. wealthy guys with cars and clothes and girls), give them to you so you can go out and one day buy cars and clothes and girls of your own. Show no love to producers of these jobs at your political peril. That's how it works.

Period. End page. Bibliography. New book.

THE FUTURE

RAB: Radio Revenues Down.

Me no Worry.

70s Larry Wachs

80s Larry Wachs

90s Larry Wachs

Today's Larry Wachs!

Houseof Wachs.com. The greatest Wachs of the 70s, 80s, 90s, and Today!

As you can see, I'm way ahead of the pack on developing on-line content brands. I should be safe.

By the way...All you young uns out there. Know this. You will begin to fall apart soon, too.

BROKING NEWS

Actor Heath Ledger is dead. He was 28. Damn. They say OD. I say intolerance.

They told him not to do Brokeback Mountain. But he wouldn't listen.

"What is that remark supposed to mean, Wachs?"

Well, have sex with a man on-screen, and life might start to change for ya. Just sayin'.

MELT THE BUNNY

Sometimes you just want to kill a small animal, but can't hack the consequences. That's why you'll find this video so much fun.