(5/29/07)
It only took 2 years to get around to it, but this website is finally done. Cue fireworks.
There are bigger gaps in the dates during 2005 because some blogs were either dated announcements with missing links, irrelevant news stories, or just recaps of the radio shows done during the period from March of 2005 to November of 2005.
This final blog is just some random notes I made during my evening writing sessions that weren't developed enough for either the air or a full piece, but still amusing enough to toss on this pile. Enjoy!
A man crush is not a physical admiration of another man. But it's more than the admiration of another man's mind. Simply put, if you feel disappointment because another man did not call you, you have a man crush.
The best way to fix a vexing single sock problem is to throw out everything in the drawer and start fresh with 50 new identical pairs of socks. Build a bonfire with the old socks and do mescaline and paint your body.
Two sides of the illegal immigration coin: Buford Highway apartment fires, but I get my whole house painted for about $100.
Forget about cellphone use in cars. How many people are killed because they drive with dogs on their laps? Hopefully all.
MARTA is raising fares again to howls of protest. For a few dollars more a month, government addicts could buy these wild new contraptions called cars and really turn their incomes up a notch.
You can tell how old a person is, or at least from what generation, two ways:
-The person who recites a web URL starting with:"http://...." Bonus points for,"H-t-t-p...the mark with the two dots stacked...then 2 forward lines...."
-The person who calls movie special effects "trick photography" was generally born at the dawn of the talkies.
Cookie Monster has backed off his "all cookies, all the time" mantra over at Sesame Street so that our growing population of obese children will become thin again. It would be far more effective to create the "Get Off Your Ass And Go Outside Instead Of Watching Marxist Puppets On TV" Monster.
I left my home for work this morning before I could kill a mosquito flying around upstairs. It was getting late and the smacking noises I was making with the rolled up copy of Atlanta Jewish Life Magazine was bound to wake up the family. I left the house feeling guilty about the ethical gray area I found myself in. Is it right to leave a mosquito flying around while my wife and daughter slept, knowing they could easily be feasted upon by the winged creature? At least it wasn't a leopard. I can honestly say, readers, that this blogger would not have left the house without making sure that leopard was taken out, even if it meant missing all or part of that morning's show.
The federal government has allowed our military fighting the "War on Islam" an extension on their taxes. Hey, try this. How about all military, fire, police, and anyone else on a government payroll directly responsible for public safety be treated to an income tax free life from the moment they get the gig until death? It's an automatic pay raise for these deserving people, without breaking the backs of fiscally imprudent governments who are paying them with tax dollars anyway.
You can tell a lot about a guy's masculinity if he gets upset at the mention of Ann Coulter's name.
The local pressure group of strolling terrorists, PEDS (aka Human Roadkill Club) is at it again in another police sting against motorists who don't abide by the ridiculous state law that requires motorists to stop at cross walks in the middle of the damn road while going 40 mph. One of these imbeciles is going to get hurt one day making their ludicrous point, and I will chuckle. Streets were built for people with cars. The 140 lb. fleshandbonemobile must always respect the 3000 lb. hunk of moving steel. Physics knows no politics.
I don't think it's wrong for a doctor to say "Nice," when examining a person's sex organs for cancer. It's always welcome in my book to attach those sentiments to my genitals. It is wrong to squeeze and make comical honking sounds.
Today was a state holiday in Georgia. Confederate Memorial Day. You may object to this holiday, you may not care at all, but it IS a state holiday. The local "news"paper, the craptacular Atlanta Circle Jerkel and Prostitution didn't mention it once! Technically, it is on Tuesday, but this is an exercise in lame excuse-making as they mention MLK Day every day for an entire week with a quota of at least one mention in every single story and two on the Monday celebration. Same with President's Day and the non-state-sponsored affairs of Valentine's Day and Secretary's Day. You'd think they'd at least use it as an opportunity for the hardy perennial story about the white supremacy store in Kennesaw by the train tracks, and how sales are up since Bush took office. But not a word.
Today started the Georgia-wide sales tax holiday where the government gives people the privelege all this weekend to stand in long lines and mingle amongst everyone in town while sorting through picked over merchandise to save maybe $50 in sales tax...meh!
The novelty has worn off with me. Wake me when the sales tax holiday is no longer a holiday, but permanent. The eye-opening thing about the sales tax holiday is how people's behavior belies their politics on taxes. Nobody wants them. Not even the libs. That's why they crush one another like vermin in a condemned building every six months to get one up on the state government.
What about people like me who enjoy steroids in sports? I really think it's better. I'm writing to those imbecile senators in Congress to lay off poor Raffy Palmeiro. He was only trying to make a living and entertain us. Is it the end of the world that someone hits more home runs? AGGHHHHH! Ohmigod! What kind of society tolerates rampant run-production?
Why do they not chatise Palmeiro for the Viagra he was on? That's a performance enhancer. It makes an unlevel playing field for short bald turtle like men in the race to get hot female breeders. And furthermore, to be consistent, steroid haters should also demand that breast implants have no place in bikini contests. They make the playing field not only uneven, but lopsided at times, and according to feminst lesbians, breast implants can kill.
And does anybody seriously believe that Babe Ruth would have avoided steroids if they existed back then? Yeah, he loved the look of his belly hanging over his wool knickers.
Yeah, I like all that schmaltzy, pro-USA, Darryl Worley country shit. What y'all gonna do about it, homos? Piss on somebody else's parade. It's music that understands my point of view and my lifestyle. I like that. It makes me want to get up in the morning, take a good ablution and a shower and do a good job and pay my taxes. It lifts me up and makes me fly like an eagle. Takes me higher than a mountain and all that crap. I don't stop you from buying all those Indigo Boys CDs that validate your double-headed dildo fantasies. So why don't you just lube up and plunge it in the corner with your flattop friends there while the rest of us go about enjoying our fine little country.
Went to Sports Authority today to purchase a tennis racket identical to my wife's that I smashed after Sunday's USTA loss. I tell ya, nothing says "sports and fitness" better than the odor of burning tobacco coming from the Sports Authority workers on break at the front door. Throw a treadmill in the bag too, kind clerk. You and your staff are an inspiration to us all.
A new book is out about Jimi Hendrix that claims he pretended to be gay to get out of Vietanam in 1962. It seems a little early for him to have been that virulently anti-war. In 1962, most maps and hippies still referred to the region as French Indo-China, and the conflict wasn't politicized yet. But maybe he just decided the military wasn't for him and all he wanted to do was guitar and get high for the rest of his days.
I do know for a fact that Skynyrd got into a plane crash to get out of living through the Carter Administration.
I heard a news idiot on WSB proclaim:
"Breathe deeply! Air quality is good today!"
Are we supposed to breathe shallowly on the bad days? And what sort of person plans their breathing patterns for the day?
Who even thinks about their breathing at all? It's reptile brain behavior. What mind control freak thinks it's appropriate to tell others how to breathe on the radio?
Sometimes I'll forget to breathe properly when I'm really concentrating and get winded after 5 minutes of something non-strenuous such as looking for matching socks in our family pile.
It all evens out though at days end. I don't need the help of the enviromental nazis and their stooges at WSB, thank you.
Some "indie rockers" recently used talk show host Sean Hanitty's home phone number as the title for their new CD, "We Hate Bush But Can't Find His Number, So We'll Pick on a Talk Show Host Instead."
The bigger the stunt, the crappier the band, I always say, so I'm gonna pass, although..... I'm impressed by the artistic progression of the parasite rock movement. I must confess, I adore that band that put out Alan Colmes Social Security Number on Itunes.
Keep on homoing, you homos. A good band used to at least give out the phone number to a chick named Jenny, not some 45-year old male talk hump. By the way, one of the reasons I vote Republican is their party platform commitment to the genocide of indie rockers, the next biggest threat to America after Al Qaeda. Except for Liz Phair. She's alright.
Meanwhile, anthropolgists unearthed Mick Jagger so he could say something negative about the War in Iraq and President Bush. Thanks for the groovy up-to-date commentary, Mick. Why don't you go write some songs about VHS tapes or something? I cannot believe you aren't dead yet.
Speaking of sweet gigs, check this one out found in the local online classifieds:
NANNY F/T. Alpharetta. Female couple seeks EXPERIENCED Nanny for 4 children, ages 3, 2, 2 and 1. Monday-Friday 7:30am-3:30pm. Also seeking Weekend Nanny, flexible hours. If you are just looking for a job, we are not the place for you. If you are looking for a long term position with a loving family, we would love to hear from you....770-xxx-xxxx
Congratulations! You can be the fall gal when all hell breaks loose in this ridiculous family. Next time you see Rosie O' Manhood or the Indigo Boys agitating about gay marriage or somesuch nonsense, think about the lesbian couple right here in the ALPH who adopted 4 kids of roughly equal age so they can dump them on a nanny and continue pursuing their manly careers.
Georgia ranks 12th on the new national list of fattest states. Oregon is the least fattest, but they probably have a big meth problem or something, and they eat a lot of beaver there, I'm told.
I'd like to see Georgia rank higher. The fatter the state, the better I look. "He's from Georgia," the people in other states will say. "Can you believe it? He looks trim." Keep eatin' y'all.
By the way, just how is a state weighed? My bathroom scale can't give any more accuracy than +/- 5 pounds. And what happens if we don't get collectively thinner? The US won't re-sign Georgia to a new contract? Are we free to start our own fat country? Then keep eating y'all. If not, then go bother Florida. That state can't collectively see, drive, or walk. Better yet let's fire everyone in government who is assigned to "tackling" the obesity "epidemic," and refund the savings to fatties who can buy some Atkins shakes and a daily kick in the rear from a personal trainer.
