Although I come across as a relaxed, secure, and warm individual to most people, the sad fact is that I have way too many hangups to be a contestant on Survivor. There are just too many things I couldn't sacrifice even for a pre-tax million dollars, which isn't so much sitting here on the back side of tax day, where the $97Gs that had already been lifted from my earnings during 2005 was apparently insufficient to run the government properly.
One of the contestants on Survivor: Narnia, I think it is, has a chafing problem. The only reason I tune into Survivor now is to see how this contestant deals with it. I do a lot of walking and running to help maintain my warm, secure, relaxed demeanor, but I must first slather on a thick slick of petroleum based substances all over my inner thighs before doing so. Exxon Valde(e)z Nuts. Sure it kills the fish and wild game down there, but it insures a friction-free landing spot for my thighs with every step I take. Not taking this precaution results in Slot Rot, The 11th Plague, Day Herpes, Testicle Parmesan, Shmeckel Shiner...whatever you want to call the red raw skin that results when wet clothing saws it's way over an unlubricated dermis.
This guy on Survivor walks like he has a real towel sticker on his groin. Ouch! I'd beg people to start alliances against me. It's not worth a pre-tax $1m. Even though the producers allow each contestant one "luxury item," where does one store a little tube of cortisone cream on a deserted island without some animal eating it?
"Hey, Jeff, could you hold my cream while I run on the rickety bridge over some brackish water and solve a giant puzzle?" It would make Rafe seem heterosexual. To me, it's not even a luxury item. I'd trade my delicious rice and wild boar allotments for them. It is my immunity idol and integral to survival.
I also can't sleep without a hot shower first, and I need my allergy medications. Might as well take up smoking. Have any smokers made it past the first two weeks of Survivor? I think it's impossible without some producer aid and coverup. I'll ask Skip Carey to look it up.
Mr. Michael Walter of Suwanee has sent me a beautiful photo essay entitled, "Publix Porno." Enjoy.
Hall of Fame "Idol Moment" tonight.
Pickler is rehearsing with Rod Stewart, and he's giving her the "Rachel Who?" look. He is clearly considering the pros and cons of ditching his 5th wife and baby sitting in the other room in order to get a fresh start with the sexy bale of hay that stands before him.
After singing, Rod praises Pickler's..uh...chops.
Pickler says, "Whew! That's a load off my chest."
Rod Stewart and some technical people snicker knowingly...
My wife glanced at me with that, "OK. YOU explain to our daughter why you rewound and laughed twice at that" look.
Pass the cream, I'm chafing.