Dear John Ramsey-- I want to apologize for all the things I said about you and your wife during the past few years. Your kid was hot and all, but that is not important right now....
NO! I can't write this. I am holding off on writing my apology to the Ramseys pending further investigation. This John Karr (hell of a name for a guy with a Frequent Prosty Punch Card) is an attention pedophile. He likes premature speculation. If I had AIDS and was looking at hard time in a Thai prison, I'd pull a pedo-Klinger, too. One Night in Bangkok made this hard man humble.
First, he looks like a gay dude. How do I know what they look like? Just focus, would ya? Actually, more like a gay ghost. More like the gay ghost of Gray Davis.
Second, the physical evidence doesn't add up to his story, or so I'm told by Greta Van Sustain, who will probably get another face lift with the fresh supply of JonBenet money that will be rolling in.
Most importantly, though, I still can't get my mind around the rudiments of this yarn. How in the hell did some rich people, at home on Christmas, not have any clue what's going on in the basement with their 6-year old? She's entertaining men. She's chatting on line. Clowns and Santas are on a chaise with beverages while she goes up on them. Dragons are filming the whole thing. Someone's writing practice ransom notes upstairs....Did they live in the McMartin pre-school? My kid turns up the TV too loud downstairs, and I'm down the steps with a belt in my hand. How did they not know?
All this commotion for a kid who would have turned out to be, at best, Carrie Underwood, but probably Deborah Norwood.
Dear John Karr--
I want to apologize for all the things I said about you and your lifestyle during the past few years. Recent court rulings have made me look stupid, but that's not important right now....