I'm still in shock over the Monday night game between The Bears and Dennis Green, World's Dumbest Head Coach. Here's the Quota King after the game:
Our staff translators are still out parsing the Steve Lyons comments, so bear with me. I think Dennis is saying that he was very confident before the game that he would find a way to lose somehow, but still didn't like the result. Then he went to look for his stolen wallet.
Good news. That anger might just land him in the sweet Lamar Thomas vacancy, broadcasting college games from Florida. ("The Miami Hurricanes are who we THOUGHT they were.") Thomas, meanwhile, should be invited to the Monday Night Football booth to smash that pasty little hebe Tony Kornholer in the face with a helmet and a crutch, a missed slam dunk for Charles Barkley who's clearly lost his edginess.
The NFL's affirmative action program for head coaches has been working out good I'd say. Previously overlooked geniuses such as Lovie Smith and Marvin Lewis are creating some exciting teams and we also get entertaining dummies babbling as if they've been caught by Scooby-Doo after an unmasking, like Dennis Green, the Fred Sanford of the NFL.
How do you coach in the NFL and forget to tell someone to block Brian Uhrlacher? More than someone. Two someones. He was running down people like they stole his child support check. It's not like Green doesn't have the players. Even our dummy Jim Mora knows that and that's why he'll last about 11 more games than Denny Green.
While Green's still there let's get Rich McKay on the phone with him and trade the Georgia Aquarium for Matt Leinart. Better yet, swap franchises. Let Vick wear his baggy pants on Sheriff Joe Arpaio's turf and let the chips fall. I look forward to him having his knee busted next week against the Steelers so the Falcons can finally cut him loose and start Schaub and get back to playing pro football. And let's take the roof off the Georgia Dome. Dome teams are losers.
I haven't forgotten about Neil Rackers. I think he's hanging out with Scott Norwood and Bill Buckner to feel good about himself again. And Mike Tirico should go back to his day job as Michael Powell of the FCC looking for dirty words he can jack to. Mike, Matt Leinart will not be "mythical." He is real. Maybe he'll become "legendary." An easy way to remember this is that you are the opposite of Matt Leinart, in that your legendary broadcasting talents are mythical. You make Kornholer seem like he's not a fag.
Gotta go. Matt Leinart was so stunned, he forgot to take off his mike after the game and I want to catch up on the new Paris Hilton sex tapes.