I first saw the promos last night for the upcoming OJ confessional on FOX, If I Did It, Here's How it Happened," and you best believe I be watching. I've been waiting 11 years for this and it's as close as we're gonna get to an outright admission of guilt from poor, innocent OJ. Besides, I'm a sucker for a TV show with a creepy mixed tense in the title.
This is how truly innocent people behave. Go on national TV and admit you would have killed your wife, but in a different way. It takes guts to admit that. Guts only an innocent man with a clear conscience could have.
Here's an excerpt of the show:
Interviewer: OJ why are you telling us all this?
OJ: Because I am innocent. If it were me, I'd a runned her over in a car or beat him with my 5 wood or what have you. Did that happen? No. Because I am innocent.
Interviewer: Are you saying that if you did it, you would have done it better?
OJ: I like to think that OJ Simpson always does things better than they were done, you know? I ain't braggin' or nuthin' 'cause, uh, you know, hypothetically, the people who did this murder got away with it, you know, and you gotta hand it to 'em...that's pretty good the way they did it, and it's hard to do it better than they did from a, you know, murderer perspective, hypothetically. But yeah, you know. I mean, I'm innocent and an innocent man who commits murder is better than a guilty man who commits murder, because if you commit murder and you are still innocent, than that proves that you are smarter and better than the man who got caught...hypothetically.
Interviewer: But no one else was caught.
OJ: Right, but what I'm saying is, if OJ Simpson would have did these murders, I'd have been not caught more...or caught less, whichever you prefer.
Interviewer: Why aren't you calling the show "If I Did it, Here's How it WOULD HAVE Happened?"
OJ: Ain't that what it's called?
OJ: Oh. Well, I'm innocent and there ain't nuthin no one can do about it because of that double secret jeopardy rule I'm involved in. Watch the show. You'll be sayin' "OJ is innocent as hell because his way wasn't the way it went down."
Interviewer: Thank you, Juice.
OJ: Thank you for the opportunity to clear the air. I hope everyone has an open mind and watches my show. It's educational and hypothetical.
Interviewer: Coming up next, we'll talk to Fred Goldman about his new book, "If I Shot OJ in the
Head...Not That There's Anything Wrong With That."
OJ hears the news that Dunder-Mifflin's Scranton office is closing.