Happy Hannukah and welcome home Holocaust Deniers! How was the convention in Iran? Get any autographs from Prussian Blue? How was your hotel?
Oh! Top notch!
Another year has passed and the head rabbis have once again ignored my emailed suggestions to help boost the sagging popularity of Hanukkah, a holiday that is kept afloat only by because there are a lot of guilty Christians out there. It's tough to survive, perennially scheduling Hanukkah between Thanksgiving and the Grandaddy of All Holidays, and starting it on a different date every year. Ya gotta move this thing back to August, man. It's in the way.
I can understand the desire of the top Jews everywhere to adhere to the calendar that says it's the year 5767. It's a vital part of the "Ignore Jesus" strategy which is the core of all Judiasm. And I understand, intellectually, that the advent of the wheel, fire, and upright pedestrianism puts humans closer to the 7th millenium than the the 3rd.
However, Jesus deserves credit for for clearing up a lot of the divisive controversies of his era, such as, "should I have sex with my dog?" and generally helping mankind to start getting it's act together. So give him his due, and quit stepping awkwardly in the Christmas spotlight.
August is virgin territory for gift-giving holidays and I would suggest moving it back there starting in 2007 or 08 before the presidential conventions get rolling. November and December are just booked solid. The message is not getting out. I know all about the Maccabis being hassled by the man, and the drop of oil lasting 8 miraculous days and all that, but there's no reason to be believe this cherished miracle didn't happen in August of that crazy year.
Re-brand Hanukkah as a sizzlin' summer holiday with a funky candle show and friends on the beach for eight consecutive nights of Hanukkah hoedown. You got your best girl, finger-bangin' under a blanket, while a friend with an acoustic guitar leads the gang in Rock of Ages. Alllllriiiight.
The sidewalks are hot enough to fry a potato pancake, the girls are playing volleyball in their bikinis and we've got a cooler filled with Brewed in an Ice Cold Mountain Somewhere, Coors Light...it's Hanukkah, baby!
Also, stop insisting that holidays start at dusk. It's too confusing.
I'm not just a talker, I'm a doer, recently nabbing a part time job at Menorah Factory Outlet, and...thank you....and I've boosted sales by 12% through my clever promotions, such as booking local celebs for in-store menorah lightings. We've had Dominique Wilkins, Usher, and Jeff Dauler of The Bert Show this year. After Hanukkah is finished, it's balls to the wall to prepare for our Annual Purim Noisemaker Blow-Out Sale with up to 70% off the top names in graggers.
Really, let's get with it, Judaical braintrust. Let's make a committment to acclimate ourselves fully in this new and strange land called America.
Speaking of questionable brand loyalties, I'm watching the coveted Jim Mora's ex-team, the Falcons, enjoy another rudderless, undisciplined ass-whipping at the hands of Dallas. It's a tough chore to out-alienate the team that owns Terrell Carcinowens, but Junior gone and done it by telling his Seattle friends on the radio that he would abandon the Dirty Birds even as Morten Andersen was swinging his left leg into the Super Bowl winning field goal if it meant a dream job with Washington Huskies football. He said he was just joking..all three times he mentioned the idea.
"Wow," said the Seattle radio host. He was obviously laughing on the inside.
What compels people with top dollar jobs under much public scrutiny, to blurt out their business and resentments without filter or regard and to the benefit of absolutely no one? Did it feel good for, what? 20 seconds? What do you think the Washington Huskies football team will give you first? A job or a restraining order?
The game is now ending, almost poetically, with Vick's "groin" preventing him from finishing the game and another chance to "be Mick Vick," as that elitist pussy with the girl voice, Bryant Gumbel, so originally puts it. Well, I beg to differ. I think Mike Vick was being exactly like Mick Vick tonight. Another chapter in the how-to guide on being a physically blessed, but IQ-challenged QB in the NFL. And saying a groin problem is keeping Mike Vick out of a game is like saying a Democrat senator has a brain problem that keeps him from being effective. Get yer ass out there and stop being such a museum piece!
As predicted here and on the airwaves owned solely by the public back in August, the Falcons are closing in on a 7-9 season, and as beseeched here a year ago, to much hootery and derision, Jim Moron, will likely be shown the exit. Even Michael Richards phoned him and called him a dumb n******.
I felt kind of sorry for Mr. Mora out there at the end. Standing on the sidelines, down 10 with 2 minutes left. Camera in for the dramatic closeup. Playoff hopes gashed. Painful lesson learned. Pretending that he was not thinking about anything but winning this hopeless mess of a football game with players who aren't sure he's on their team. Not thinking about selling the house in Sugarloaf. Not thinking about who would hire a coach who creepily stated he was stalking an entire college. Not thinking about how he was gonna get out of this mess what with the radio jock-u-larity coupled with the whimpering loss the next day....oy! Vat vill Artie say? I've ruined his Hanukkah!
I'm not insensitive. It does suck what he must be going through. I know how it feels to be suddenly thrust in the world of male homemakers when it's not your fault and you're not ready to be unproductive. But nobody died and maybe he'll get a job coaching UW Intramural Powder Puff Football. That would be the best of both worlds.
As a newly-minted homemaker myself, part of my job is to see to it that we have a steady supply of Flintstones TM Vitamins (w/ iron) in the home. Why FlintstonesTM Vitamins (w/ iron)? Why it's the vitamin recommended by our family doctor to keep the gals in the household fit and lively! What kind of doctor recommends FlintstonesTM Vitamins by name? The kind you get when paying for your own health insurance. Sigh! I bought the Publix house brand called "Public Domain Animal Shapes" for two bucks less per bottle because it's the same damn thing and they don't give kickbacks to money-grubbing doctors. It ain't worth two more bucks to eat Fred Flinstone. Betty Rubble Vitamins on the other hand....
Another part of my job as homemaker is cooking nutritious meals for my family. Look! Tonight we're having a roast turkey breast that looks like Courtney Love's vagina. TM
"Give me some money, bitch!"
"Oh daddy, you're so funny when you use our dinner to make those crude sexual assault jokes," squeals my youngest. Everyone nods in agreement. This is gonna be the best Hanukkah ever!