House of WACHS: SELL ME, LARRY

I think I just avoided a good rogering on this Tickle Me Elmo deal. I bought two of them for $70 each back in September after reading of scattered incidents of violence on the Drudge Report. As you know, since then, the market and holiday violence levels for Tickle Me Elmo have been disappointing, and the big markups are being taken by the PSP and Nintendo thugs, like my mom. I am just one of hundreds of people trying to unload their Tickle Me Elmos this Christmas.

What to do? My heritage-based grasp of economics says the solution is easy. Hold the mother of all Tickle Me Elmo auctions.

My philosophy is simple. Most of the other people selling Tickle Me Elmo are unclean and vile people who don't care much about you...just your money.

The difference with this auction is huge. This is what's known in Ebay circles as a "premium auction." I've gone all out to make sure that your bidding experience is worth every penny.

First, I want your child to have a great Christmas, so I'm starting the auction at just $1. This is for a new, never opened Tickle Me Elmo (TMX) 10th Anniversary Edition. No reserve, either. That's for greedy people.

Second, since the Christmas bidding/buying season is very busy and tumultuous, I've thrown in an 8-pack of Publix spring water in addition to the Tickle Me Elmo. Publix water is famous for it's triple filtering and reverse osmosis procedures that make it crisp and refreshing every single sip. That's right, win the doll, get your drink on.

Third, shipping fees will only be $10.

And finally, I'm throwing in a pitcure of me, the seller, to remember the good times you had here on Ebay, Christmas 2006.

So let's recap. Tickle Me Elmo + the 8-pack of delicious Publix spring water + a picture of me, your seller + cheap shipping fees + good times and memories. Beat that other sellers! You can't and you know it, you loathsome animals.

Click here for a very special Tickle Me Elmo Ebay Auction. You won't regret it.