I just heard on the phone, for the third time today, another condescending earful of, "How's your Hanukkah?" from another non-Jew.
Listen, it's been OK. Don't worry about it so much.
I'm getting more worked up and passionate about moving Hanukkah to August as the evidence continues to mount that it would be the wisest move in the history of religion. Today was Exhibit A, entitled:
People Treat Jews Like Cancer Patients During Hanukkah.
"So is your Hanukkah doing okaaaaayyyy? Hmmm?" Like Hanukkah's a piece of circumsized flesh I keep in a jar of formaldehyde in my cedar closet. Hey man, I hear the sense of obligation and dread in your voices, as if you were asking me, "So how's that neck tumor coming along?" You want to know, but not really. I get it.
Think about this, sayers of "nay." You put that Hanukkah right up there in the first week of August, you have a kick ass summer festival the first week of every month of the summer season.
JUNE--Memorial Day Week
JULY--4TH of July Week
Two entire months in party season go by without a festival of some sort. Ridiculous.
And how is this good for America? It's not. It's great for America! Here come the politics:
First, for those of you who hate Jews for whatever reason; keep in mind that many of you celebrate Cinco De Mayo and St. Patrick's with great vigor and aren't spics or micks. A lot of ladies go to Super Bowl parties even though they hate football. Right? Hypocritical don't you think?
Also, may I remind all of you what holiday does take place in August but not in America. The dreaded Ramadan. Right now Ramadan has all the good publicity because the news media thinks Muslims are peaceful givers of life and even their farts are pious.
But you watch. Install Hanukkah in it's own condo on the first of August, and those miserable, dour cavemen of the Middle East will be exposed as the depressed mopes they really are. Nobody will want to hang with them after the giant electronic statue of Hanukkah Harry drops his balls on some hoochie's chin in the middle of the Diamond District kicking off 8 candle-dripping nights of consumption and high stakes dreidel.
"Hey fellas, now that Hanukkah's over, want to join me and my wool-wrapped friends for 20 days of fasting and beating yourself in the head with a rock while lying prone on a dirt floor in 115 degree heat? Hey, where'd everyone go?"
I've even written a little holiday song for Ramadan. Wanna hear it? OK.
On the first day of Ramadan my true love game to me...
AND HE'S DEAD!
We might even get that Kim Jong-Il on our team if we give him a stool and some Craiglist whores for Hanukkah.
Come on, America! Let's put Hanukkah in it's place. We don't need Hanukkah to be competing with the American Christmas. It's like the Green Party. They'll never win, just piss people off. Let Kwaanzans have the crumbs from the winter solstice holiday tray. They have no compass. We need to get Hanukkah squaring off against the evil of Ramadan. Who can party heartier? The world is watching.