Yes, I shaved. Why? Because I have replaced Nardelli as the the new Jefe of Home Depot. Hell, I'm good at getting fired, so I figure I'll take a job that pays me a couple hundred million to get canned as opposed to one that affords me the opportunity to pay lawyers thousands in legal fees and bail money. Makes sense, no?
Truth is, I have no full-time employment currently. What happened was I got home last night from another brilliant 2 hours of talk radio on 92.3 FREE FM, and made myself a nice cup of chamomile tea and put on some Air Supply to wind down as is my custom.
Drowsiness set in, but sleep was difficult. I kept dreaming that Rosie O'Donnell was sitting on my face. My lips were chapped from the constant licking in order to savor the leftover goodness of that evening's delicious Chicken Tikka Masala that I enjoyed at my favorite Indian place, The Brown Derby. Skin mites started a housing project on my chest, and made my neck tingle as they made their commutes to the flaky skin mines underneath the tangle of facial hair.
Enough. Last night, at 1:30am, I called up my team of shaving implements, and we razed the village.
I think the beard peaked in the early 20th century when cough drop box models wore them, sparking a craze. Millions of pneumatically-challenged Americans idolized the Smith Brothers who were the kings of cough suppression. The castor oil and goose grease companies tried hastily to sign Mary Pickford to a deal showing some ankle on their bottles, but it never took.
Then penicillin came along and the Smith Brothers became uncool. The beard went the way of the dodo, which enjoyed immense popularity as neckwear for men before the invention of the ascot in 1672, and fashionistas latched onto the herpes simplex sore as the "must have" facial accessory of today.
I don't know if the beard will ever make a full comeback like in it's heyday. The 80s saw some activity in the mainstream. My last beard was in 1984. Here were my beard role models then.
These were men of great leadership and their well-groomed jaws represented order and quiet strength. I wore my beard proudly for three years before shaving it off when I took a job as fund raiser for "Mullets of Love" and was forced to concentrate my energies on the party in the back.
But today's beard role models are different.
Today's beards are the realm of the underworld. My decision becomes quite crystalline.
Yes, I have failed to stick with the "Whiskers of Fate" project. How will fate treat me now that I have fatally dealt with my whiskers? Well, that's between me and my karmic deity.
Yes, I am afraid, but what is a man if he never faces his fears? He is a man with a lot of fears and a too much hair.
Baldys up, hairys down. Peace.