Have any experts or historians figured out what the biblical food manna is made of? According to vegan Christians, it wasn't a meat product. It was a coriander seed with a honey wafer taste. Yummy! and Bullshit! Oh, how convenient. God didn't want people to eat animals either. Isn't it amazing how godlike you vegan Christians are?
Mexicans think it was a bunch of hallucinogenic mushrooms, Jews think it was a small piece of cake, and I think it was Tandoori Naan. It's also my latest food fetish. Goodbye apples! Nice knowing you Dippin Dots! You're now the ice cream of the past.
It's pronounced non, as in non-demonitional, non-starter, nonsense. I'm very much addicted to it and just writing this makes me want some, like writing about sex makes you horny....
OK, I'm back from eating some naan and rubbing one off. Let me continue...
Naan is Indian bread. Not the Columbus-style Indians, but the real ones in India. Naan is like a real crispy English muffin but flatter. Think about that. A. Real. Crispy. English Muffin. The milk/yogurt combo they use in the dough, instead of water, makes it as crispy as something fried. That's why I enjoy it so much. I maintain that if you make any food crispy or crunchy, you can rarely fail to attract an audience. "Someone will always eat anything crunchy," is my personal mantra way back from my days as a chef when I overcooked a lot of stuff.
Naan is harder to find than others in the flatbread family. Tell ya whut, it's no pita or foccacia. No sirree! When you can get it, it's expensive. You can go to an Indian restaurant and order several buckets of it to take home, but then you feel guilty and stay for a meal and pay another $40 on top of the naan for the meal. Plus, it's a pain in the ass and I think socially inept to call a restaurant for take out and order only the bread basket.
At Whole Foods, they sell frozen naan, and, although it's 3.49 a box of three pieces, I figure I'll stop buying all other bread (what's the point, now that manna is available?) and maybe steal some bikes from area youth to help pay for my habit. It's almost as good as the fresh, and that's why they run out from time to time leaving me frustrated and writing obscene and bitter things in the frost on the freezer case door.
If you know of any sources of cheap(er) authentic, and plentiful naan, please let me know. The naan they sell at Dekalb Farmers Market is mass-produced Wonder Bread with some seasoning thrown on it that clearly is not baked in anything resembling a clay oven. I don't think the building they make it in has any bricks even! I think Trader Joe's down the road needs me a visit because I heard they carry it, but it might vary from store to store. Making it at home is where I draw the line. I just want to eat it, not marry it.
COLTS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!
COLTS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!
...oh wait...I thought it was 1977.
I'm one of the millions of Baltimorons who had their team abandon them by the Irsays in the middle of a snowy night in 1984. Old Man Pickle Nose called me when the Patriots went up 21-3, all excited.
"Ya gotta love this game," he hollers into his phone. The combination of the excitement of watching football at a bar in Montana with his one-eyed pal, away from my mom, his senior hearing, and the cell phone had him yelling with a heartening zest I hadn't heard in years. He's still got it, the old boy. I apologize now for choosing this moment to come out of the closet.
"I was kinda rooting for the Colts, Dad."
"You what?" Deafness or disbelief? "You must be joking." Disbelief.
I could feel the inheritance money slipping through my fingers like a Tony Romo hold. Truth is I've been secretly admiring the Indy Colts for sometime now, and I think after 23 years of pretending to hate them, enough is enough.
In 1984, I lived on Long Island and hadn't gone to a Colt game in about 5 years, mainly because they sucked so hard. This was before parity and the cap when a joke team had little chance to improve in one season barring a change in ownership. It's not like when they left, they were a top team with a wait list. Even their top draft pick one year, Art Schlichter, bet against them.
I also really think Peyton Manning is a great and admirable sports person because he doesn't act like an asshole off the field like 99% of all the other sports celebrities, and he's funny in his commercials. Playing against that genius but douchebaggy Bill Belichick with his handcrafted Flashdance monk outfit, it really was time to openly root for the Colts. Besides, Baltimore won a Super Bowl with their stolen team before Indy did, and the Big Fat Irsay is dead. And by the clues in Colt team prez Jim Irsay's nose and teeth, he could be grasping his final Lamar (Mike) Hunt Trophy, so I think the grudge should end now. And it has.
Now I will openly root for the Colts two Sundays hence in Miami against The Da Bears. This should be the best Super Bowl ever. Hey media! Here's a fresh angle to enliven the ensuing two weeks before the big game. Did you know that this is the first Super Bowl with African-American head coaches! After this Super Bowl is over, crime, poverty, single motherhood, and the smuggling of pot in water bottles will finally end!
Run with that. Try to sound pious and serious. It's not annoying as hell yet.