On the way to golf, I'm sitting behind a cliche at the light. A small lady in a visor driving a magnificent Ford Expedition. The back seat TV is showing "Finding Nemo," to the gender neutral children Bailey and Bryson, as noted by the stickers on the back glass of the vehicle showing each in caricature with their names. Nothing says you care more than advertising your children to the public.
"Mommy, do fish talk?" asks the little boy/girl Bryson.
"Mommy, why do men that smell like Uncle Fred keep looking into our car?" asks the boy/girl Bailey.
And Mommy drives slower to answer the children's questions while chatting with cell phone pals, and I arrive later, rather than sooner, at the golf course.
On the 15th tee today, I actually heard these words flow so easily from my lips, to the ears of the children loudly chasing a dog through the trees behind the teebox:
"Kids. People are trying to golf here. Now go inside and think about Dr. King like you're supposed to."
It needs to be said, and I will. I've had it with this useless holiday where white people allow their children to run loose in the suburbs.
Hey, time to play....WHO SAID IT? Winner gets this fun holiday t-shirt:
Ready? Who said this?
"When you go to the middle of our field and you start doing the dance that Shawne Merriman is known for, that's disrespectful."
If you guessed Kirsten Dunst in "Bring it On," no shirt for you. Sorry.
It was LaDainian Tomlinson. Yes, a man. A man who plays in the NFL, where it is now officially disrespectful to disrespect another player's dance of disrespect. The NFL should turn the Pro Bowl into a season-ending dance off, with real grass skirts, and a big finale where the winner gets to duet with Emmitt Smith.
So as not to upset the joy of this holy day, may I humbly suggest that maybe if Shawne Merriman was practicing his football moves instead of his dance moves, perhaps Nora, the privileged ballet dancer from the right side of the tracks, would be dating him instead of Tom Brady. But instead, Baby is left standing in the corner, shoved aside like a common camera man in the path of Flashdance-outfitted Bill Belichick looking to hug a guy named Mangina.
As soon as I receive the discs from CBS, I will podcast my solo shows on Free FM/NY from the past two weeks for your listening pleasure. It was a tremendous opportunity and I didn't have a weak outing in the bunch.
Also, attention Fox 5, CNN, FNC, and others. American Idol starts tomorrow night. I am available for insightful commentary on Wednesday morning. Already, it's off to a disappointing start because, according to my sources, this Billie Holiday-singing tartlet that the producers have been teasing us with in the promos...
...didn't make it past the Hollywood groupings. Intrinsic proof that singing is more than just powerful lungs. I am buoyed only by my faith that there are more Hollywood groupings in her future should she desire.