Speed Bump Week on American Idol, where, traditionally, the entertainment takes a break and the pain of earnest people circling the drain takes front and center, thanks, in part, to the surprisingly effective website, VotefortheWorst.com (which has been also invaded by HOUSE OF WACHS discovery/site pestilence Norma Lee!)
It's clear the next American Idol will be a female black woman. The guys this year are a sad lot of meat puppets from the Hot Topic Factory Outlet loading dock, and have nothing to offer except an emasculated glide path for the winning female to step on. Shrinks say that girls mature earlier than boys, but dudes, some of you are old to enough to be raising families by now. Where are the men? None sing like they mean it.
There are also too many stringy-haired girls with a surplus of sebum who look like they just got off work at Bebe or feeding Pops Shapiro his Gerber smoothie at the Shady Pines Decay Home. Watching the show this year for the first time in high-def isn't the picnic I thought it would be. The best singers are really unattractive, although I'm intrigued by this Sabrina Sloan. I don't know if it's my roots calling me home, or some middle-age crazy notion, but girls with big boobs and big noses turn me on these days.
Oh yeah. You've got that right.
There must have been personal and production problems with some good singers who got a lot of footage before going to Hollywood and then just disappeared. Perhaps they had the same fate as the larcenous Brittenum twins from last year, so the producers elected to bury them instead of being embarrassed. What happened to "Crack Baby" from episode #1? Can we assume that she perhaps had a little more crack in her system than can be explained by mere amniotic osmosis?
I understand the inclination not to rock the boat on a show that draws an average of 120 million eyeballs a week to advertisers, but in times when the singing and it's practioners are unsettled, you need a host that can pull the production together with some wit and charm. Tonight, the staff came out looking like they just got out of a tense production meeting to address their male singer problems and The Next Dick Clark decided he would rescue the show by picking a fight with Simon and wound up flat on his back... again. Nice out pitch, bed head. It would be more comfortable watching the real Dick Clark agonizingly countdown the year's end through oxygen-deprived speech.
Get a professional up there who can think on his feet, instead of some Urban Outfitters mannequin. Let Chris Sligh host and have Seacrest sing so the producers have political cover when America votes to ram a hot fireplace poker up Seacrest's ass to guide him to the door...no, other door. Better yet, bring in Foxworthy from that "5th Grader" show they've been pimping, and send Seacrest to that production where he can feel at home. "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" premieres next week, and I can't say I won't lose sleep over the idea that there are enough adults in America who are intellectually challenged by 11-year olds to keep a show on the air long enough for a major network to invest in it. Can't wait for "Do You Ejaculate Sooner Than a 17-Year Old?"
Thursday night, new LAX customers will be oily pizza waitress Alaina Alexander, oily, stringy Amy Carter Krebs, or oily Nicole Tranquillo--they all run together to form one off-key oily puddle in my mind--and two of the 12 unappealing males, most likely Paul Kim and Nick Pedro, although I fervently pray that the Tandoori Eunuch, Sandgina Malakar will be excised as hastily as possible. However, the aforementioned powerful and growing subculture of voting for horrible contestants to stay longer doesn't make it likely this week. Feh! Pox!