Congratulations on STL Cards slugger Albert Pujols (pronounced POO-HOLES) for becoming an American Citizen. Isn't now our duty and obligation as a country to not only welcome Pujols (inexplicably and embarrassingly spelled PUHOLS in this story) to our thing, but also explain to him that his name, in American English is a not endearing term for the orifice out of which human waste is excreted?
Even if it raised my taxes, it'd be worth it for the gov to hire a few Citizen Counselors to ease newbies into our culture. Someone to help explain what their name means and perhaps help pick a replacement. Someone to walk them through the cable channels to decide what each offers to their lifestyle. Someone to advise them on the different brands of snack foods out there. How to use a cellphone. These kinds of things.
You see, as Native Americans, born into this culture, we all had Citizen Counselors. They're called parents. And if not them, Uncles and Aunts. My uncle, for example, gave me my first porno on VHS.
We have brothers, sisters, teachers, police, and rehab centers available to guide us through our entry into Americanhoodness. But Albert Pujols, who made the penultimate commitment to this country, had to do so on his own, and what thanks does he get? Thrown into a pool of sharks who find big fun in snickering at a guy who's name reminds them of someone's shitbox. That ain't right.
If no one will do this, then I volunteer to personally tell him myself and help Albert find a new last name that will command the respect he deserves such as Speer, Finney, or Einstein.
Oh, to one day hear Mike Shannon say:
"Camus swings and it's a long drive...deep left field....gone!! Bring in the feds, that's number 57 for Camus and it's only June!"
I may even end up adopting him into my family as a full-blown Wachs. Let someone else win the bread for a change.
Since my Braves media pass was revoked along with my employment last October, I'd like someone in the Braves or Cards organization to contact me about arranging for some credentials this season so that I can perform this patriotic act. Please email me to arrange for sending me some. Thanks.