The family set out for Sweet Tomatoes for dinner this evening because April is Lemon Month there. Mmmmm, lemons. Lemon soup and lemon salad. Lemon desserts. Let me tell you, Sweet Tomatoes is so clever and versatile with their mono-fruit themed months, that I'll bet they could outdo a porn star in coming up with uses for a banana.
Lemons are one of my top 5 fruits along with Pink Lady apples, blueberries, Mineola tangerines, strawberries, and Manilow. I was so----
ATTENTION HOUSE OF WACHS READERS--
Larry Wachs has been suspended from this blog for an indefinite amount of lines following controversial remarks made about gay people in his blog of 4/24, titled "Huimus in the Evening." We at HOW feel that Wachs abused this public internet space, meant only for meaningful dialogue and narrowly defined free speech in order to further his agenda to debase an important culture of loving and caring in an America that all too often seems unloving and unwelcoming and is all too happy to elect a president who wages war as a distraction from the real problems in America such as the lack of compassion for people who aren't sure what their genitals mean.
We apologize to all people, whatever side of the closet you may live in, and Barry Manilow. Mr. Wachs' leaden humor has,once again, potentially jeopardized thousands of gay and straight lives as if this were almost pre-Nazi Germany.
We apologize to the hundreds of AdBrite and Google AdSense advertisers, many of whom don't even know the website, or Wachs, exists, and therefore are not responsible for it's content, and fully unaware of the damage it may be doing. They spend pennies a year with us and we value their business and integrity. PLEASE oh PLEASE oh PRETTY PLEASE?!
Ya know...The last few blank lines have given me plenty of time to reflect on my actions, and now that I'm back, I've learned my lesson. Use bigger words when making bad remarks about homosexuals, no matter how harmless or amusing I may think the smaller ones are. Good to be back.
As I was saying, I was so thrilled at being back home with the fam, that I immediately kicked off a gas war at Sweet Tomatoes Salad, Soup, and Junkfood Bar with my wife. Nothing says, "I dig you" more than assaulting your spouse with noxious anal emissions under the sheets at night, so I immediately went for the appropriately named "Joan's Broccoli Madness," which traditionally signals that it's game on. She answered by helping herself to a generous portion of hard-boiled eggs, and I parried her parry with corn and raisins as salad toppers. I think I'll win this one. Two problems with her game plan.
I think eggs, due to their smell when they rot, have gotten unjust acclaim for being a big gas producer. It may have a smell advantage, but I think a good fart war plan involves primarly vegetables, legumes, and some dairy if you're like me. I may be one of the only lactose intolerant people who ingests lactose purposely in order to engage in good analtainment.
Her other mistake was not factoring in that I had just come off of a 7 day roadtrip of hurried, latenight, and portion uncontrolled eating from many of our nation's finest convenience food vendors, with little physical exercise. I don't think her frame is large enough to handle the amount of gas-producing food she'd need to go crack to crack with me.
She sure as hell one-upped me in the current events commentary department, and everyone else in the game for that matter, when she told me she thought that incumbent Virginia Tech serial killer Cho Seung Hui Seung Cho was most likely a fan of Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin.
"Ok, I'm hooked."
"Why do you think he sent his tapes to NBC?"
Yes? Yes? Out with it now. The mystery of why Cho sent his audition tapes for "Streetcar Named Crazy" to NBC has been puzzling cultural anthropolgists on cable and the web for days now!
"One of their top shows is about...NBC...and it's address, 30 Rock."
"And a nut would easily be attracted to Alec Baldwin. Of course!"
There's really no arguing with her theory. It passed muster during the post-9/11 anthrax scares, when it was noted by some top commentators that Muslim attacks on our soil were against things that were clearly symbols of what America is to an outsider, and it caused Homeland Security to beef things up around eagles, Chevy dealers, and pyramids with eyes which were, consequently, never attacked. What whackjobs lack in rational thought, they often make up for in obsession with detail and organization.
Good for you, honey. You cracked the code. As a reward, I will not badger you with sodomy requests.