Time to decide on dinner. Why is something so pleasurable so agonizing in it's planning? Fresh thinking is in order.
I'll let the TV decide for me. Everyone else does. The first ad I see for a local food place on whatever channel is tuned, is where I'm going. This is exciting not having to make choices for yourself. I feel like a kid again. A very young kid. In diapers.
Channel 46 news is on. No food ads yet, but an overhyped story about a Paulding County dimwit who owned a lot of weapons and explosives in his garage and was busted.
After the overheated lead, we learn that he was not arrested on weapons charges, and his estranged spouse turned him in. Sounds like a harmless guy getting hassled because he and his lady are going through nasty times. Channel 46 makes it sound like he's the next McVeigh. He should have shot her while he had the chance.
I must watch 46 news more often. Their anchors aren't any more or less autistic-behaving than the others, but Cynne Simpson is very rubable. This is an advantage in a town where the TV news women average a 5 in looks.
Next story about the anniversary of MLK's death. Not news. They rehash the whole James Earl Ray non-controversy(he did it...alone) with some civil rights dummies in full revision mode whining for the 5th year in a row about how James Earl Ray got a raw deal, and now that he has rotted to death in prison, they have such love and respect for this ignorant cracker.
"He was an excapegoat!" says one fool. I look at my daughter and she at me with non-verbal disbelief.
Commercials now, finally. I crave caloric intake. This is hard core consumerism. The ads will tell me where to eat.
No restaurants. Damn. It's the dinner hour. Where are the restaurant ads? I hope Ruby Tuesday's new Prime Burger has purchased airtime. I anticipate the next break.
Weather in Your Neighborhood time! They have B-roll of a prison behind Gene Norman. I guess they need weather reports, too. It dawns on me why there have been no food commercials in the past 20 minutes. The audience for TV news has dwindled to the incarcerated, the elderly, and the immobile. Dinner time for this crowd was an hour ago. Being part of the mainstream puts at me risk for starvation.
Jackson-Hewitt is in trouble. The nationally known tax prep service is being charged with fraud. What kind of fraud? Dunno. Typical stop and stare news story illustrated with footage of the camera zooming in on a Jackson-Hewitt sign in a strip mall somewhere, over and over. Is this one of the problem stores? Don't say. They just zoom in on the sign repeatedly until the narration is done. Good hustle! Great job of informing. I'm so hungry now that I consider eating at the YUM YUM CAFE next to the zoomed in on Jackson-Hewitt in the strip mall.
Recapping our lead story: The Bert Show on Q100 is in trouble. They're being blamed for a traffic nightmare that started at 2am on I-20 near Six Flags after they advertised free entry to the park for Spring Breakers from 6-9am. The local media is being terribly unfair to Bert and his radio station. It's a good promotion. It worked. Many people showed up.
The news acts as if Bert just decided to announce this on the spur without any consultation with his staff or management. I heard about this days ago and I'm not a regular consumer of the station. Why weren't local authorities or the park prepared? Did they not know that when a station with a demographic rich in young single motherhood says that a day of Six Flags would be free for the taking during Spring Break that they would have a Ganges-style scene on their hands if they didn't prepare? Did they not know that when something that normally costs $50 becomes free for a limited time, many people will want it?
I think the other media get so jealous when radio stations have the power to move people. They lose their collective minds. The blame here belongs squarely on the shoulders of Six Flags and Cobb County. I hope Bert's employers don't roll him under the rollercoaster to appease the greedy, jealous people who are criticizing him. That show is one of the few bright spots for people who think that local radio should be about local things talked about by local people. Wait, what am I saying? I hate that. I want 50 songs repeated intensively while a hayseed sitting in Birmingham tells me what's going on at Phillips Arena tonight and the forecast. Bad fingers! Stop typing lies.
Sports time. A live shot from the Masters is bungled by lousy audio. They cut to the pretaped report about the Masters and--get this scoopage--people are flocking from all over the US! I would eat that ugly woman from Rochester's hat right now if I could, I'm so hungry. Get to the commercials, goddamit! Not yet. There's much more sports news. The Thrashers are practicing! Let's ask them who will win the Masters. Every Thrasher has a face intensely mangled by hockey, and an accent mangled by Canada. Scott Mellanby is rooting for Stewart Cink because they are neighbors in Sugarloaf. Fifty bucks says those two also tag teamed Melissa Wolf and her buddy at the Sugarloaf whorehouse at some point. It keeps my appetite at bay.
The hell with this. I'm not eating at that shithouse for a man-sized dinner-style appetite. Inspired by the Thrashers' faces, I head to the supermarket and purchase some pounded-thin veal for piccata.
CORRECTION FROM A READER:
Please don't add another blight to us in DeKalb; Six
Flags is in Cobb County.
If it were in DeKalb the name would have been changed
by now - perhaps to:
Vernon Jones' Sit n' Spin Park
Nappy Valley (no offense to Penn State or any popular
(The correction has been made above. Apologies go to all who were deeply offended by this error. LW)