Let's hop in the DeLorean once again and set the meter for Summer of 2003. We have here some in a series of Braves pieces I did for Fox Sports South. I don't think these have been widely seen having been aired an average of once on a low-rated cable show during one summer, never to be seen again. I had to dig through a lot of boxes in the House of Wachs Time Capsule to find some discs.
Hey, TV people! Watch these and then gimme me a goddamn job already! I didn't edit them, else they'd be even better.
This one is called "Fivel Chaim"
That's right. 2003, nosebag. Remember that when you start whining about how I ripped off Borat.
I wanted to do more of these but after the angry response by the Diamondbacks, I was asked to quietly kill the Chaimster. Cost me as it turns out. Risks are usually worth taking, gang, even if you get clipped once in a while. If you don't do it, someone else will.
I really don't know what the Diamondbacks got angry about. The worst thing that happened was that dumb ballplayers looked like dumb ballplayers. I thought they looked very likable, especially the way they treated me as if I were somewhat retarded. Very poignant. They never did specify what made them so mad, but my guess is that the lower level functionaries at these big sports/entertainment businesses hate surprises. It means they have to explain to their bosses what happened, whether it turned out OK or not. These are people who are better-suited for mall security and other CYA jobs. But they get hired, not for their creativity, but for their abilities to guard intellectual property, speak a middlebrow version of English, and own a couple of clean suits.
Whoever the interview broker/cockblocker for the D-Bags was, most assuredly got his fruit bowl cleaned the next morning by his manager who wanted to know how actual entertainment was allowed to happen down in the clubhouse and how, although nothing bad happened, well, something coulda!
Here are a couple that almost put me in Grady Hospital.
This is called "The Disposable Car."
It's based on a concept we discussed on the Regular Guys radio show sometime back. I thought it would be cool to get a beat up hoopty and go to a Braves game in it knowing that you didn't care about your vehicle. Think how liberating that is. Going to a major event and being able to park anywhere you wish. So we did it with an old Ford LTD, and again with a bread truck. We got great audio of cops stopping us for parking in employee zones, and stadium neighbors throwing bottles at us for leaving it on their lawn. Fox naturally had concerns about filming themselves doing anything borderline criminal, so I agreed to modify it to an comic expose of scalpers.
"They're animals. Let them lose their souls," said one Fox producer, Phil Tattaglia.
That actually made it less dangerous for the network, but more dangerous for me. Oh, yeah, great idea. Why don't I make it safer for YOU guys by actually engaging in conversation with the people I'm angering instead of running away?
When that guy got in the car, I felt for sure it was over, comforted only in the fact that the camera would catch the culprit and our justice system would sentence him to the fine and community service that he so richly deserves.
And here's "Beanball."
I had a bruise on my back the size of a grapefruit for 2 weeks after this. I want to thank the Braves who were involved in this episode for saving my life. They insisted they wouldn't do it unless I used one of those softer balls for tee-ballers and other feminized youth. They were right. I'd be dead. Not that they really cared about me. It was more to protect the sweet gig they had being major leaguers. I still thank them and value their selfish judgement.
There's more in the HOW Time Capsule. But not now. I am sleepy.