Happy Pesach, ever'buddy! Didn't know that Passover was today? Snuck up on ya? Still recovering from April Fool's partying? Hey, tell me your best April Fools prank and I'll publish it...no, don't! I won't. I'm out of my mind.
Well, it is Passover, and one of the reasons you don't hear much hype about it is because a significant portion of mainstream Americans hate Jews, and Jews don't whine about their long ago enslavement nearly as much as certain peoples in this country bitch about theirs and hog all the attention.
So I was shopping in the Jewish ghetto aisle at my local Publix for all my Passover needs, except they ran out of kosher laundry detergent for my devout wife who converted and is more Kabbalist than me now. And the aisle is really just a big bookshelf they bought from a shut down Harris Teeter and store in the back for holiday use.
It's just stuck out there in the middle near the cash registers, branding anyone within it's two foot radius with a giant "JEW" stamp in the minds of Publix onlookers, managers, baggers, waitresses, and shoppers. I know some people who would rather go into Love Shack's gay porn aisle at noon on a busy Sunday here in Georgia than stand in the Jew Food aisle at Publix and be religiously outed. Some people even fill their buggy with extra jars of mayonnaise so people will think they are just buying matzo for a friend. It may be Atlanta's suburbs, but we're still in Georgia, and we can pick up the Gainesville country station 'round here.
A person's religion is very private information for a lot of people, so to draw it out of them under the guise of helping with their holiday needs is just damn unethical. It's like starting an aisle for people whose net worth is over a million, or an aisle for the guy with Social Security number 347-24-0989. I don't care, personally, because everyone knows I'm a proud Jew from the way I walk and steal small items from the candy shelf, but not as many people are as secure in their being as me.
At least an Easter shopper can hide behind the many aisles of Easter baskets, basket supply, candy, plastic grass and bunnies. I don't know why they would since Easter is widely respected as a holiday, and I don't see the logic of a store offering so much cover for people with so little to hide. I'm out here on Passover Island, naked and going gefilte fishing for survival. This is the same Publix I praised a few weeks ago, and the manager called me to thank me as I guiltily shopped at Whole Foods. But now? I don't know. I'm going to have to see some dollars off coupons in my mailbox or free subs for a year.
Even some non-Jews are getting pissed at the retail bungling of Passover. I received a puzzled email on this holy day from a goy follower of the House of Wachs:
Any idea where I can get some Kosher Coca-Cola? Last year when I tried, my local Publix was kind enough to order something that they said was Kosher Coke, but it had high-fructose corn syrup as its ingredient instead of cane sugar. Your help on this would be greatly appreciated.
Miss the show.
Tom, my possibly uncircumcised friend, I too have failed to find any yellow capped Passover Cokes for two years straight at my local outlet, and I'm mad.
That local Publix either misunderstood you or is lying, because if it has HFCS in it, it may be a lot of things, but it ain't kosher for Passover. Here's more some information courtesy of The Accidental Hedonist, a man who stumbled upon pleasure some years ago and has made quite a name for himself in the world of pleasure. According to him, Coke doesn't use pure cane sugar anymore in their Pesachic Cokes, but uses sucrose instead.
I'm going to investigate this further. Right now the switchboard at Publix is closed due to the fact that there aren't many grocery emergencies going on from 5:30pm-8am, but I will try tomorrow to find the exact location of the yellow caps. It truly does resemble the trappings of a real drug deal, and that gets my adrenaline pumping.
"Yeah, I'mo find out who's hopping the Yellow Caps tomorrow. Word."
The number, if you would like to try, is: 800-242-1227. Be polite and tell them House of Wachs sent you.
Also, you may want to search for information in back issues of "Kosher Today."
In the meantime, it's MexiCoke for my family.
This is the start of my new career as consumer investigator. I call this segment: "Wachs In Your Ear."