MOTHER OF A DAY
Once again screenwriters and reality show producers, you are missing out by ignoring the Wachs saga. Just 7 months ago, I was up to my ears in legal fees, weighing the pros and cons of chapter 7, and visiting jail for the perfectly legal act of recording two men saying sweet nothings to one another in a public bathroom.
Today, the guys I'm filling in for here in NY, were just dropped altogether by CBS for the crime of pranking a Chinese restaurant to make a point about...uh...dunno, but the first amendment angle doesn't have the power it once did.
Suddenly, I'm number 1 on the depth chart for a high-profile job in NY radio. I've put the UP back into screw-up. Lesson learned: If you are going to be a screw-up, make sure it's up.
Predictably, the loyal 17-year olds and adults of arrested development who adore the previous show, all 1.1 percent of the available audience, are in high dudgeon. I understand your boys got screwed, and have empathy, but my point is this. When you start having an income and an interest in something other than the adventures of your cock, and what mom is making for dinner upstairs, perhaps your voices will be taken seriously.
Until, then, I can only offer you this killer burger recipe to give to your mommy upstairs to make for you on this Mother's Day. Let me warn you though. If mommy changes one thing in this recipe because that meeskite shrew thinks it's OK to switch to lean beef due to obesity fears, then she deserves the son she has. Warning given, now let's get underway.
You or mommy should purchase the following:
1lb. ground chuck (aka 80/20, 80% lean)
garlic salt
ground black pepper
english muffins
swiss cheese
A-1 Thick and Hearty
1. Shape beef into patties slightly bigger in diameter than the muffins, and about a 1/2 inch thick. Just eyeball it. Don't put the raw meat on the muffin. I know you were thinking that.
2. Sprinkle generously with garlic salt and the pepper and stop before you've put on too much.
3. Slice and toast english muffin so the nook and cranny side is brown and crispy. Brown is a couple/three shades before black. Here's what it looks like.
4. Grill burgers at at least 400 degrees. Use a wood, gas, or charcoal grill. Grilling on Foreman or a pan is not grilling. It's frying. It doesn't cut it. Get rid of it. Grill 4.5 minutes per side. And keep the damn grill closed while cooking.
5. One minute before taking them off the grill, add the swiss to the charring flesh.
6. Spread a layer of A-1 on bottom muffin. Add burger. Add muffin top.
7. Eat already.
That's it. If you think for one second that lettuce or mustard or tomato or a different bun will make this hamburger better, then you are an idiot and an infidel.
ok Wachs...I'm gonna give this one a go. I'll trust you on the no extras bit.
Posted by: KWade | May 13, 2007 at 05:45 PM
Hey Larry,
Just curious if you have been notified of a set schedule this week when/if you fill in for JV and Elvis. I'd like to stream when I'm at work. Thanks.
Posted by: Tim B. | May 13, 2007 at 06:46 PM
You son of a bitch!
Posted by: Arnold | May 14, 2007 at 09:35 AM
Let's recap what has happened since you got fucked over, err, I mean dismissed from 96rock, for poking a little harmless fun at the next studio over amigos and see where we are today. 1. Imus gets canned by the 2 Revs for his nappy headed comment. 2. JV and Elvis bite the dust for riling Asians by uttering "flied lice". 3. Mike Vick, aka Ron Mexico, coming off another non playoff, coach killing year gets caught with a "secret compartment" water bottle at the airport and is apparently into the beloved sport of Pit Bull fighting. Arthur Blank says he's really serious about cracking down this time. No more wheel chair rides for him! Meanwhile, the Falcons trade Matt Schaub and sign Joey Harrington. I smell Super Bowl in 08' or is that Vick's cannabis smelling water bottle? 4. In the never ending politically correct caving in department, channel 46 is now scrolling severe weather warnings in Spanish. 5. In summation, If you want to keep your next job, you can NEVER utter the following words: illegal aliens, islamofacists, flied lice,and nappy headed ho. However, it is still acceptable to say, white trash, redneck, honkey, and cracker.
Posted by: Gunnie | May 14, 2007 at 05:59 PM
Congratulations, a sweet victory which you more than earned. And calming down a crowd of unruly NY listeners is no easy feat. No doubt you'll be awesome in your new slot (and if not, start writing for television! Good commentary is desperately needed).
Posted by: Vermont Neighbor | May 15, 2007 at 12:57 AM
Vote Fred Thompson/Larry Wachs in 2008. Make the doll in the bikini Secretary of State. That ought to put those ArabMuslimButcherKillers in a tizzy!!
Fred Thompson - President
Larry Wachs - Vice President
Doll in Bikini - Secretary of State
The Kimmer - Secretary of Defense
Posted by: Al | May 15, 2007 at 07:24 AM
Try not to screw this one up, Wachs.
Posted by: mjpyro | May 15, 2007 at 07:41 AM
Hey Larry - your wikipedia page, along with that of "The Regular Guys" and Eric von Haessler have been nominated for deletion. The claim is that none of the topics are "notable" by Wikipedia's standards. If you have some independent sources covering you, the HoW, TRG show, or the nazi, you may want to link them to this page in order to keep your "notable" status: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Articles_for_deletion/Larry_Wachs
Your faithful are doing what we can to keep you from losing this honorable distinction. Keep the faith!
Posted by: Nick | May 15, 2007 at 03:28 PM
For Gods-sakes, do what Larry says when it comes to the hamburger.
It is in your best interest.
Posted by: Phil | May 15, 2007 at 03:58 PM
Who woulda thunk it !!! The best damn cheeseburger recipe in the world came from Jew... Moses must be rolling over in his grave...
And I second Al's point... Although realistically you probably have 6 months at best. Just stick to recording straight, white upper-middle class males in the shitter this time....
Posted by: Mungo | May 21, 2007 at 05:32 PM