On ESPN, the chick reporter handling the Mike Vick Doghouse beat was standing in an empty ballpark, delivering the following report:
"It's not known what percentage of NFL players are involved in dogfighting."
Allow me. Count the number of white players. Subtract from the total number of players. That should get you into a ballpark that's a bit more full. Call me if you need anything else. XOXO.
What's amazing to me is that ESPN actually pays someone a decent salary to go on camera and say, "I have no idea what's going on." Maybe she went to the same J-school class as the people on other networks who report on illegal immigration.
"Shelley, tell us. In your investigation, what is the reason behind this sudden uptick in the number of cock-fighting cases being reported?"
"Well, it's hard to say. Officials aren't sure, but they say a crackdown is imminent."
As for dog fighting, I'm against it, but I can see the appeal. It's competition for people who can't afford Barbaro. It's actually less cruel than watching two humans knock the shit out of each other inside the Octagon on pay-per-view. Maybe one of those guys bleeding from the ears could have cured cancer. We know that no matter how well you treat a dog, it will never argue a case before the Supreme Court, or even hook up your cable.
Not all dogs can make Letterman laugh. Not all dogs can put out fires. Some dogs are just...animals. That's their lot in life. Eat, fight, fuck. Wolves fight. So do bears. It's just tougher to get odds on them. Hurry, call ESPN.
Today on the golf course, I shot an 89 through 17 holes. No way I wouldn't break 100. Well, I didn't. I Tin Cupped the last hole for a 12. In the drink 4 times along the way. Heading home after cleaning up my yard sale by the clubhouse, a squirrel stopped in the middle of the road. I did with my car what I failed to do with the golf club--accelerate through the zone.
"gPbUND--dBNDmp," went the satisfying sound of tires on squirrel. Check of the rearview. Much better. That's the point of having squirrels around.
Maybe Vick was raising pit bulls for defenseless Virginia Tech students who still aren't allowed to have weapons on campus. How many students would be alive today if a couple of them had pit bulls in their dorms last month? We'll never know because Mike Vick's dog operation has been shut down, and he will likely be punished severely if he doesn't make the playoffs this year.