Fireworks were cancelled here in Ocean City last night. Authorities cited dangerously high winds and shut them down, and rescheduled for the 5th. It just wouldn't be a true Independence Day without reliance on our safety authorities to get us through it. And as excited as I am about celebrating something as huge as being free from England, I can wait another day for the explosions. I ain't do nothin!
Although empirical evidence shows it was very windy, I have a suspicion the postponement had something to do with this news item:
Too many innocent children around.
WASHINGTON - Michael Jackson has been hunting for real estate on Maryland's Eastern Shore as he searches for a vacation home, a publicist for the pop star said.
The self-proclaimed King of Pop visited the rural peninsula last week "for about 24 hours," but has not made a purchase, Raymone Bain told The Washington Post.
Jackson, 48, is not limiting his search to the Chesapeake region. He has since "gone up the coast" to look elsewhere for a vacation place, Bain said.
"He's always admired the properties on the East Coast because they have a lot of land," Bain said in the story published Wednesday. "Neverland has 3,000 acres — he likes privacy. You can't find as many properties like that on the West Coast."
Yeah, the western US is sooo overcrowded. And there are no more large parcels of land for sale next to the Ronald McDonald House. Go east, young man lover. Besides, the West already has Al Gore the Younger endangering children in his souped-up Prius that runs entirely on drugs. Of course, the drug and speeding offsets that come as a bonus from Toyota for purchasing the vehicle, will ultimately vindicate the lad. I also personally believe he should receive a lighter sentence for proving that a Prius can do more than 70MPH.
But I feel bad for the Gores because it's probably very embarrassing to them, especially coinciding with Al's kick-off of that concert protesting people who refuse to live like the Amish, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who's wondering if Tipper had an affair with a Kennedy to produce a boy with such a sizable fun gene.
Meanwhile, commoners such as myself without access to the elite markets of Morality Credit and Loan, must drive the holiday highways with nothing but wits and cruise control to fend off the 40 cop cars enforcing independence all along the route to the Beach.
George Stein will be mighty proud of me. No tickets. On the toughest not-getting-pulled-over-for-speeding day of the year. (July 3). On the tough, state-long speedtrap known as US 58 in Virginia, which I have been unable to beat for 3 summers straight. It was getting to a point where the law enforcement authorities of SE Virgina were offering to pay for my gas, just to entice me to drive through their cash traps for another season.
I have to say that listening to classical music during the drive helped immensely, so thanks to all those composers. It is soothing, yet inspiring enough to keep the driver's attention for the extra hour it'll be on the road due to the observance of posted limits. I don't know the names of the songs or the composers. I don't know what the music is about other than some vague notion of the way things were going down in the 1700s. All I know is that classical music makes me feel like I'm driving in the opening credit sequence of a documentary about me and my life as a Viking poet, and I like that someone is finally telling my story on the big screen. It's about time.
Here's the top story in Shelby, NC on the day of this historic drive north:
A 5-year-old boy grabbed a rabid fox by the neck and pinned it to the ground during a family cookout, protecting six other children before his stepfather could kill the animal.
"I wanted to protect my little brother," said Rayshun McDowell, who battled the fox in the front yard of his home Sunday in Kingstown, a town about 50 miles west of Charlotte.
What a brave young boy! Reminds me of the time I killed a dingo with nothing but a sock filled with pennies after it tried to eat my sister. This was before the laws were passed banning children from playing with socks and coins as a rider to the bill banning pre-pubescent smoking passed on July 4, 1973.
The fox bit Rayshun in the leg, but the 61-pound-boy held the animal down for more than a minute.
"I looked out the window and Rayshun had the fox by the neck and was pushing it into the ground," said his mother, Shinda Linder. "I couldn't believe what I was seeing."
Rayshun's stepfather, Ryan Thompson, pulled the boy off the animal and kicked it. A neighbor fired a handgun three times but the fox continued to advance.
Thompson, wearing a cast because of a broken leg, said he used a stick and his crutch to beat the fox to death.
Hey, Michael Jackson! There's some great land you ought to check out in Kingstown, NC.