My sister dispatches me urgently vis SMS:
Mom just said to [my sister's Filipino live-in] it mustve been ruff 4 your parents to deal w/ Pearl Harbor. OMG!
Does my mom not know Pearl Harbor is in Hawaii? I have enough worries without this. I'll just be willfully ignorant and pretend she thinks my sister's housekeeper was from Hawaii. Why does my sister even have a live-in housekeeper? My sister doesn't do anything except eat and chat and "get involved," whatever that means. No wonder those kids are baffled. At least I know what DVD to get my mom for her birthday.
New Job update: We've had some production delays so the promos won't be up until Monday, and the debut episode has been pushed back one week. Oops! Larry comes too quick again. Back to the golf course for a couple of days. Rodney Ho is still not impressed.
Here's an FYI if you ever bump into me at a carnival or fair, such as next week's Cumming Fair where I will be making an appearance. Turns out it's Ladies, Flash Your Tits Day at the Cumming Fair, and I'll be there to host. If you see me at the Fair, just flash your pretty pair at me and you'll get a prize.
Anyway, just so you know, whatever you do, don't ask me to dress up and get an old-timey photo taken. Ever. I have less than zero desire to get an old-timey photo of myself, because I do not care what I would have looked like in 1884. Take a picture of me in the future so I can assess the mistakes and maybe end it all right in the present moment.
I'm looking for a PGA pro golfer who is interested in seeing how many strokes it would take to hit a golf ball across America. I find it hard to believe anyone hasn't tried this yet. We could just roll tape as you hit the ball across America and then stop into the home of a guy in whose yard your ball landed and happens to collect the stickers found on fruit and makes mosaics of the Grateful Dead with them. That sort of thing. It's a little bit sports, it's a little travelogue, with a little Cops thrown in. You could hit the ball into the woods and stumble upon a dead cheerleader maybe. That sort of thing.
My rough guess is that par would be around 16,000.
I've trained myself to eat before my bowling league starts AND with my right hand only, so my moneymaker, the left hand, doesn't get greasy from the bowling alley-style pizza. Ideally, I should refrain from eating in a bowling alley at all, but that's going to take some time.
Eating while bowling is so filthy. You're touching that ball and god knows where that's been or what the lane mechanic back there is reading or where his pants might be. And then you touch everyone's hand after you make a spare or strike. There's so much congratulating going on in bowling. The message: "We're not that athletic, but we are very much the sportsmen." I hate to pee on their turkey, so I go along with all the skinning and fiving and hand jiving that goes along with knocking down ten pieces of molded plastic with no more than two rolls of a giant ball made of granite. But I think the bowling industry, with all the strides they've made in accurate scoring technology, needs to look into installing some laneside Purell dispensers.
I was flipping through and landed on a Sheryl Crow concert on TV, so I watched for a bit. There are few bigger dimwits on the planet, but I like her songs. And it was in HD, which is my shiny object. I will watch anything HD because I still can't get over it's HDness. Anyway, this enviro-twat predictably launched into intellectual preacher mode and said this:
For the techno-challenged and lazy, here's what the funny lady said:
"This song is, ummmmm....Most of you who know me know I think that war is.....stupid...(yaaaay!) I don't think it solves anything, it's all just a big ole mess....People's lives and the environment, and I just think it would be a good idea to think about a woman for president. (yaaaaaaaayyyyyy!) Anyway....this is my anti-war song."
Like she has just one. The rest are all moon and June.
War solves nothing, so we can assume Sheryl still pays a tea tax to England, is interested in eugenics, and has a fine stable of black bucks and nannies on her plantation.
OK, i'll grant you it is a good idea to THINK about a woman for president. Nude. Other than that, no, thank you. I've thought about it. Bad idea. Women are good at a lot of stuff, but it's always embarrassing when Mom comes to school to confront the bullies.
Start dating some guys with two nuts, Blondie.