House of Wachs

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WEEK IN THE REAR VIEW 3/8/08

Rapper Juvenile 'devastated' over Gwinnett triple slayings

A teenage gunman allegedly shot and killed the New Orleans rapper's daughter Thursday along with her Sheriff's Deputy mother and older sister in their Lawrenceville, Georgia home, authorities have confirmed.

The victims--39-year-old Joy Deleston and her two daughters, 11-year-old Micaiah, and 4-year-old Jelani—were gunned down by Deleston's 17-year-old son, Anthony Tyrone Terrell.  Jelani was the daughter of Juvenile.

Police discovered the bodies in the residence on Thursday and took Terrell into custody Friday, booking him on three counts of murder and three counts of aggravated assault after he pointed them to the location of the gun he allegedly used in the slayings.  Detectives do not yet have a motive.

Per the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Deleston gave birth to Jelani back in 2004 and subsequently filed a paternity suit against the hip-hopster claiming he was the father.  The two sides eventually settled the case amicably with Juvenile acknowledging he was the father and agreeing to pay child support.

Maybe if Juvenile took responsiblity, actually fathered the children, instead of being forced by the courts to pay off the woman, he wouldn't be grieving..if he is. That's not support. That's bribery. Court-ordered guilt payments.

I was recently watching Def Comedy Jam where African-Americans chortle in delight as other African-Americans point out how backward they are. One woman was doing a routine about how she don’t want nothing to do with her boyfriend's kids. She was with him for one reason and one reason only. She need her some.

WHOOOOOOOOO!!! HOT DAMN!!! hooted the audience. You go girl. You don't need no man kids. Nu-uh.

I thought it was funny and sad. People in the audience howling at their own demise.

Usually it’s the woman who has the kids, and when this attitude is combined with the lethality of the frustrated, itinerant male, the results are about what you'd see in Gwinnett in the case of Juvenile, the naive and ludicrous rapper.

Clayton school board member quits hours before crucial meeting

I wonder if the outraged teen-aged parents and 30-something grandparents down in Clayton County can spell "accreditation." Well, they have no one to blame but themselves for the mess they find themselves in vis a vis the school board and it's inability to get it's schools certified by the obnoxiously low standards of the government.

They should protest themselves for being so severely lacking in judgment that they let thieves and incompetents play political games with their children's lives. How come neighboring counties don't have this problem? They elect from the same pool of bureaucratic idiots. Oh, yeah, they have good bureaucrats in Henry County.

I think that Clayton County is now officially run by tribes and warlords. Send in a surge.

Kid Rock Pleads NG in Waffle House assault case

I can't help but wonder what Kid Rock's life insurance premiums are like? I just got rejected for some life insurance due to some cancer on face. It was excised 100% but the insurance company said, "No. More money."

Kid Rock gets into Waffle House fist fights, apparently eats there a bunch, smokes cigarettes, and was dating that hepatitis case for awhile. I'd be pissed if he has life insurance at a reasonable rate.

I will say this though. Kid Rock, you have re-asserted yourself as the King of Dirt. You are the capo di tutti trash. You have embraced your inner redneck. I think I speak for all Waffle House customers when I say that getting arrested at Waffle House is a very cool move.

Kid Rock won't make the Fonzie mistake. If you're gonna put on a leather jacket, you best be backing it up with a good kick in Jose's teeth when he doesn't pay his cock-fighting debts. When you put on a wife-beater, it's not the time to look for a cure for breast cancer. Respect the shirt, boy.

It's a fact. America loves a filthy, unrepentant cracker, especially one that is willing to sacrifice his good name for a more authentic music listening experience. Without Kid Rock getting himself arrested at Waffle House, you might as well be listening to Fall Out Boy.

Steinem says McCain's POW status is overrated.

Gloria Steinem is so penis envious it's insane. If you said to her tomorrow, I can give you the penis you always wanted but it's John McCain's dried up shooter, she'd lunge for it.

POW is what they call Gloria's dates...Prisoner Of Witch.

Gay-marriage foes face tough questions from California high court

Guess which headline writer is in favor of gay marriage?

Yeah, the foes of gay marrage are facing the tough questions because they only have the law since the beginning of time on their side. It's a tough case to make.

It's the people who want to re-engineer society that will have the easy questions.

Dungeons & Dragons Co-Creator Dies at 69

That would be one Mr. Gary Gygax, as middle schools across the land flew their flags at half mast in honor of him. How many did he help to extend their virginity well into their 20s, and save society from so many unwanted pregnancies?

Former starting QB Harrington released by Falcons

See that Falcons fans? You don't have to kill a single dog to get released. Just suck.

Actually with his O-line and surrounded by such immense talents such as Alge Crumpler and Roddy White and Warrick Dunn, he wasn't given much of a chance.

But the Falcons have brought in this guy from the Unsentimental Patriots and it seems there is no time for the reeaissance of Joey. Now we have Chris Redman as the front runner for ATL QB pending further unsentimentality.

In less than one year, the Falcons QB position has gone from foolish black man to Chris Redman.

Men who do housework may get more sex

Like sex with your wife is some big whoop reward. My wife didn't even reward me for getting my new high-paying radio job. Now all of a sudden she'll be in heat because I picked up a throw pillow? Hip-hopper, please!

The report, released Thursday by the Council on Contemporary Families...

What crypto feminazi douchebag propaganda machine is this, and what kind of mythological world do they think we live in where men sit around all day and do nothing...and yet the bills get paid?

The shocking part is not the story, but the fact that every TV, radio, and news outlet in America had it featured prominently for a whole news cycle. There must be reporters who actually report somewhere, but I guess budget cuts in the media have made them rarer. The only real reporting we get these days is from the crews who follow Britney Gash and Paris Slutson around.

They really earn their paycheck, which is not to imply that they are actually pitching in around the house just because they went out and earned.

NO CITY FOR ANGRY MEN

This evening, I took the opportunity to address the Johns Creek City Council, and the mayor, on the problem of Eric Von Haessler's hateful and disrespectful remarks recently about my city. Here is the text of my address.

Mr. Mayor, council members, media people, friends---

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. This is a tale of two cities. This is a tale of two men. This is a tale of 2 girls and 1 cup, and this is the tale of two ideas so diametrically opposed that somethig must give.

Recently, my colleague at work, Mr. Eric Von Haessler, chose to pursue an extremely slanderous agenda aimed at the city of Johns Creek. The motivation is not clear nor very important, although I happen to think that he is jealous and has a bit of a screw loose because of his choices in life.

Eric Von Haessler, you see, lives in Roswell. That's right, you heard me, Roswell. A city blighted by grifters, pimps, illegals, card counters, strippers, hippies, people with ED, gypsies. tramps, MARTA riders, motorcycle gangs, drug dealers, jackrabitt retailers, troglodytes, waterheads, and illegals. Mr. Von Haessler, of Roswell thinks it's OK to call Johns Creek an inferior city. He says it's OK to step up criticism of our new city from the ooze of Roswell, GA.  Well, ain't that the cess pool calling the creek wet?

I call upon you board members and Your Honor the Mayor to release to me a grant of $500. With these funds, I will endeavor to print posters of Mr. Eric Von Haessler's stupid face and get these posters placement in the fine homes and businesses in Johns Creek.

I call them "Not Wanted" posters. When Mr. Von Haessler comes to visit our city he can be shunned as he should be for his insensitive and hypocritical remarks.

In closing, I would like to say how much I love Johns Creek and America. But unlike America, Johns Creek is new and fragile. It's newer than Iraq..I'm pretty sure. Whatever. In order for greatness to occur, there must be limits to our tolerance. Roswell tolerates grifters, pimps, illegals, card counters, strippers, hippies, people with ED, gypsies. tramps, MARTA riders, motorcycle gangs, drug dealers, jackrabitt retailers, troglodytes, waterheads, and illegals. Are we going down that road?

I believe Delta flies to Roswell. So if you don't like it here. They're ready when you are.

Snap. And Thank you.

LARRY THE KING

OK, fuck it. I changed my mind. Man's prerogative. My last post brought nothing but negative reaction and embarrassment. Burger King brought back the Whopper.

I will post when I get the chance, and right now I have the chance. Rejoice.

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In Whole Foods I saw a magazine with big fat Paula Deen on the cover. What is healthy about her cooking? Organic lard?

Why is it that Whole Foods doesn't carry People Magazine at their checkout stands? What religion are they running in there that gossip and humor are in the same category as trans-fats?

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Everytime I jog past this one house in my neighborhood, a crazed poodle (I think it's Korean owned which explains the neuroses) leaps out of the bushes and acts like an asshole toward me. It can't go very far or else it's electronic collar zaps it. Ethically, I have no problem teasing the dog so it shocks itself over and over again until it learns. Get some manners crazy poodle!

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On the news, I heard a reporter give the grim story of how an inner city youth named DeAnthony was killed in some inner city mischief. I can't help but think that his name had a little something to do with the fact that he was DeAnthonized. When you name your kid in the negative such as DeAnthony, or UnShawn, or Nochelle, you have to understand that you are putting a target on their back. Henceforth, I am calling my daughter, Proretha.

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At the QT one recent morning:

CLERK: 53 cents is your change. Come on back.

He left the register to go to the back room of the store, so I followed him. Maybe I won a prize for being a polite customer.

CLERK: WTF are you doing back here?

ME: You told me to come back.

Turns out that's what they tell people to make them return to the store in the future.

We had a good laugh about the mix-up and he invited me to sit on the milk crates with him and look at a copy of Juggs magazine he stole from the rack up front.

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Police station cars outside of bars on the theory that dangerous drivers will be leaving the parking lots late at night. That may be true, but my experience of late is that more dangerous drivers are leaving hospitals than bars and nightclubs. Twice in the past two weeks, I've swerved to avoid women crying as they leave the hospital. God knows what goes on in there, but it makes them lose control of themselves. Women, disease, driving. That's a deadly cocktail, friends.

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Hey, Gator fans who get Georgia plates with the Gator logo. I'm buying a pack of Sharpies to keep in the car. Just lettin' ya know. Isn't it enough that you steal our water? You want a Florida tag? Move to GODDAM FLORIDA!!!

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Billy Ray Cyrus recently apologized for his daughter, Hannah Montana, not wearing seatbelts in her movie...in 3D yet!!! I appreciate the sentiment, but I can handle this.

Well, Daddy. Hannah Montana doesn't wear seat belts. (LOUD BELT NOISE ON KID'S ASS)

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Here's a photo of Gary Coleman getting married.

Gross!

The gays must be really pissed. It's really rubbing their noses in it when this marriage can occur but their's cannot.

WACHS' MEDIA MEDITATIONS

Channel 46 here in the ATL is really dumb. How hard is it to get ratings when they have this magnificent creature of gOD on their staff? I'm referring to Dagmar Midcap, pictured above, with the glorious cans made of soft she-leather. She's clearly Canadian or Australian.

You wanna know why it's hard to get ratings with her, and why they are always last in the news race, sometimes behind syndicated reruns of Archie Bunker's Place? She's currently utilized as the EARLY MORNING weather gal. A time of day when few can really study her. Shame.

The caption on this said that she MAY be moving to evening news weather. Hell, she should be doing the whole newscast by herself. Sports, weather, traffic, murders...the whole she-bang. Katie Couric does it, and she doesn't even have the looks to distract viewers from her many inaccuracies and gaping gaps of actual news knowledge. She's a downright toothy moron!

I want to be assassinated by those cans.

Herschel Walker reveals in new book he has multiple personalities

"That's all news to me," former Georgia coach Vince Dooley said in Friday editions of The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "All I know is whatever personality he had when he had the football was the one I liked."

"I'm probably one of his closest friends and that's news to me," said Frank Ros, who was captain of Georgia's 1980 national championship team. "I knew he was working on a book but I just thought it was about football. He does 100 things at once and always has projects going on, but that blows me away."

The reason for the confusion is that Tony Dorsett, who thinks he's Herschel, wrote the book.

I know everyone in Atlanta is staking out this blog and checking it every few minutes for some confirmation about rumors they've heard about me and my career in show business. Well, your patience has paid off!

I just received a letter from my masters at SuperDeluxe.com and Turner Entertainment Group informing me that What's Your Story, America's #1 satirical sub 3-minute news show on broadband video sites in America, is renewed for another 10 big episodes due to my kick-ass attitude!!!

After a couple of week break, the next show will be Friday, the 8th day of February. YEAH!!!!!

KIND NEWS NUGS

I have witnessed this countless times. Someone on TV, or at a gathering, will refer to black Africans--people living in Africa, never set foot on our soil--as African-Americans.

On a parallel correctness track, there are all those people who have looked at me like I'm an idiot when I've referred to white people from Africa who live here now as African-Americans.

Here's a variation on that old nugget. In Maryland, the governor has proposed a special driver's license for illegals. From the report:

Undocumented immigrants would not be able to use their license to board airplanes, enter federal buildings, or cross borders.

Ummm...wouldn't having a driver's license make them documented immigrants? Undocumented has now completely replaced illegal in the English language for Impractical-Americans from every country.

Oh, it's also a dipshit idea. We'll make it so you can drive amongst us in a vehicle made of ladders, but don't do something dangerous like go back to Mexico or enter government buildings. Oh, OK.

Mark this day on your calendars. January 15th, 2008. The day a local sports team has done something correct and pleasing for the first time since 1998.

The Braves' AAA team is moving from Richmond to Gwinnett County for the 2009 season. It makes too much sense. I won't believe it until I see the stadium rise from Sugarloaf Parkway.

AAA baseball was where I caught my first professional foul ball on a 30 degree April night in Rochester in the 1980s. In fact, I got two that night. There were only 27 people there, and I think everyone else got three, so it wasn't the thrill I'd thought it'd be. Still, I have never caught one in a major league park.

Minor league baseball is affordable and intimate. The security hangups are few. You see the talked about stars of the next few years, and, in this case, don't have to live in a shitty town where eating at Chipotle is exotic. Best of all, Braves fans don't have to drive 28 miles in tremendously frustrating traffic and low level APD flunkies with their ever-changing rules on parking, and then walk through poverty's laboratory to get to the game.

Good job, Braves. It makes up for the hell you helped make of my life while working for Clear Channel.

I heard a commercial on the radio for Lifelock. I'm not familiar with the product, but it's supposed to protect you against identity theft, according to the ad. Rush Limbaugh even endorses it and says it guarantees your identity will be safe from predators or you get $1 million if Lifelock fails you.

It sounds good, but here's the catch as I see it. Who gets the $1 million dollars? Wachs or the person who's pretending to be Wachs? Because if my identity is breached, there's nowhere I can deposit the check. Do they hand you a suitcase full of bills?

Here's Bill Clinton giving a speech surrounded by teen girls. Well, they keep giving pills to Britney. What could go wrong?

Did he let an SBD or did he mind rape her?

"It's hot in here," he says. So take off all your clothes. Everybody's thinking it. Smooth.

Then he turns around and asks the teens if THEY have any questions about middle class tax cuts. It just so happens that's what Jeri with the cute top and shiny dirty blonde hair is thinking about these days. Bill cares. It's getting REAL hot in here. And if you can't stand it, GET OUT!

Where did Nurse Chelsea take the girl, and what are they doing with the Chelster in the campaign? She's not allowed to speak to anyone, but she's always around.

Depending on their perception of how they are polling with the American public, I think the Clintons have something up their sleeve, and will use her as a key prop in some unconscionable stunt that will place the nation's pity on that poor, grieving, close knit family, the Clintons, and make them king and queen once again. Chelsea will be the South Park Kenny.

Don't ask me what exactly is going to happen. It's just a hunch. Maybe they'll release Hinckley for a few days to take some pot shots at her and highlight the flaws in the 2nd amendment. Maybe she'll slip on some meat and hit her head to point out the flaws of free market health care. Maybe they'll just stick her on a MARTA train that breaks down for hours with no A/C in a scary neighborhood to point out the need for more public transport funding. I don't know. But she's there for a reason.

Good night and great news.

UM.....NOW WHAT?

Genarlow Wilson is free...to do what now?  What exactly are we celebrating?

He was convicted and sentenced to 10 years in prison for having oral sex with a 15 year-old. He was a minor, too, so according to the prevailing winds, that makes it OK.  Served three years before the bleeding hearts and his attorney named BJ got him out.

Do you think he'll be getting anymore blow jobs from anyone under 18 from now on? It's hard to say. The only real lesson he's seemed to draw from this is that a justice system that seeks to protect naive minors from sexual predation is one to be ridiculed.

What message are the 15 year old girls getting from this outcome? Reporters aren't asking. They are too busy celebrating this great victory over morality.

The news media has framed this case as that of a young black man unfairly hassled by a backward Christian view of morality imposed on all of us forward thinkers, by a troglodyte state that is embarrassing to live in because it's not enlightened like NY and California, places where the cost of living is low, the air is clean, and everyone gets along.

From the AJC:

Wilson, who served nearly three years of a 10-year sentence, may be the most extreme example of a teenager entrapped by the state's regressive sex laws.

As opposed to the progressive sex laws that they have in North Utopia where anyone with pubic hair can partake of sex without any consequence. I've gotta update my Garmin because I can't find it on these maps.

Is it of the Dark Ages to create obstacles for males to get blow jobs from 15 year old girls? 

But Wilson is not the only young offender caught in a maze of draconian sex laws. Many young people are trapped on the state sex offender registry for nonviolent and consensual sex acts as teens.

Kind of a shot in the dark, but wasn't the sex offender registry voted into federal law by almost unanimous margins in both houses of Congress and signed by the President in 1996? Wasn't there ample time to put in a provision to excuse minor horny teens such as Genarlow? We had a president who could empathize.

According to your liberal reporter, our sex laws are not just regressive, but  "draconian," too. Let's make a sentence out of that view but substitute regressive and draconian with their synonyms. Repeat after me.

It is backward and excessive to punish minors for having sex with 15 year olds.

What do you think? Put your politics to the side. I don't care what party you belong to. It's not relevant.

Do you feel comfortable about having your 15 year old give blow jobs? What progress is going to come of that? That's how you got your high-paying job, right?

I've seen the cool and non-confrontational parents hand out the birth control devices. The results have been uniformly awful.

It's just basic. It doesn't take a degree. You could be getting lucky behind the school in lieu of attending class and still understand this. The more a behavior is subsidized, the more of it there will be. In practical terms, giving a birth control device to a minor is also giving them permission to do it more. Go to Vegas and see what your odds of losing are the more you play.

Contrary to pop belief, adulthood is not conferred on minors by encouraging risky behaviors as physical maturity approaches. Adulthood is achieved by learning the art of restraint and self-control. Picking your moments and knowing there will be plenty of chances to shine.

I'm going to side with Draco on this one.

SLEEPLESS IN AMERICA

House of Wachs campaign correspondent Pete Davis emailed us exclusive video of Fred Thompson's wife's ass.

Pete files this report:

Had insomnia today so I ambled over to the Fred Thompson visit in Kennesaw this morning. Was planning to use my phone to video the event, but when I got home, all that was on it was pics of his hotass 18 year old wife in a form-hugging dress. You could hear him talking but all you could see was her, and at one point when I zoomed in the dj started playing some porn-type music on the speakers.

She was the highlight of the day.

Good work, Pete. Now go get some well-deserved shut-eye, buddy.

I wasn't aware of Fred Thompson's wife until this video, and she sure does look attractive.

The sexiness of a potential First Lady is a very important consideration to many voters because, as you know, every year at Christmas, the President traditionally makes a list of the people whom he will pardon and the people who will get to tag the First Lady for an hour.

Also, the First Lady of the US is the closest we'll ever get to having a real queen in this country, which is vital to keeping us competitive with England.

Personally, I've been leaning Giuliani. But now? I don't know. It's a toss-up. Hey, baby. You and Fred want to meet some "swing" voters?

Don't forget, if you have important news videos like this, send them to: WHATSYOURSTORY@SUPERDELUXE.COM

CRY ME A RIVER

Drought, my eye! Yer all wet!

Let's get one thing straight. There is no shortage of water. It's everywhere. I took pictures.

There's some:

And here:

And right behind Frankenstein and his underage girlfriend:

Like oil, this is a politically arranged drought we're having in these parts, and the solution is a drought of government intervention or a wave of military force...in case it doesn't do something crazy like rain.

First off, with regards to the current watering bans: I have found both legal and sordid ways around them and continue to water my law freely. If you get a waiver from your lawn guy that says you've just put down new sod or such, they let you water it. One Jackson later, you've got your letter of waiver and let the wetlands resume. I've also rescued one of Vick's dogs and trained it to eat Fulton County Water officials on sight, so something good came out of that other Fulton County debacle.

Where you see a brown lawn, I see a white flag. It's the sign of capitulation, not of good citizenship, as has been characterized by numerous articles and letters to the editor from the "common gooders" chorus. And short of a hard shut-off from the water company, my showers will end when I have finished examining myself for cancers of the intimate places. Hell, it takes probably 4 gallons alone just to get the hot water and soap going. And just see what happens to your facilities, water czars, when you shut off thousands of angry people by government edict. I have been known to hurt people if I don't get my coffee and a shower.

A brown lawn is the sign of failure. You've paid hundreds of thousands for a home and a small patch of land so you can grow a few tomatoes, your dog can take a shit, and your kids can throw up when they come home from the prom. The American Dream. And after all that work and investment into the biggest asset most of you will ever own, you can't sprinkle a few gallons of water on it everyday? Why? So a mollusk in Florida can stay alive? Is this mollusk delicious in garlic and butter? Then either build a theme park around it and charge admission, or get rid of 'em!

Now Governor, and Top Aquatic Supervisor for the State of GA, Sonny, warns that we will run out of water in January. I doubt that highly. It's going to rain eventually. We don't live in a desert. Last I checked, a case of bottled water cost a third less per gallon than it's gasoline equivalent. The tap water you get is priced at a few pennies a gallon. There is no shortage of water. The shortage is in the bottlenecked delivery system monopolized by the state. Can someone at least entertain me with a stab at a practical reason why we can choose our gas, cell phone, TV, food, and internet providers now, but not our water or electricity providers?

Gee, which of the above staples of everyday life has routine outages and shortages? Food? Not even in a snow storm. TV? Have you seen your waistline lately?

Logically, the shortage is man-made, and voila! It is. The federal government mandates that we share the Chattahoochee and other resources in Georgia with Alabama and Florida, and they're just hooting and hollering down there, watering whenever they please, while we sit indoors watching expensive lawn care go up in smoke, so gullible in our belief that these are such unique and tough meteorological times that we must...(bite my lip and sniffle)....sacrifice for the greater good (i.e. Florida and their rare mollusk collection).

Well, to put it politely, FUCK THAT. Now this is a civil war I can get behind.

We have it. If they don't, they should find their own damn rivers and lakes. I know they have them because I've been to them. It rains there, too. And they've got way more ocean access than we do, so start de-salinating, Sal. What's the problem?

I'll tell you confederates what. If you really want to have a genuine Georgia vs. Florida fight where you can beat the hell out of one another, put down that pussy college football, and I'll join you. And so you won't miss a minute of the fun and excitement of a real Georgia-Florida tiff, I'll supply the cocktails during the war. The NWC, the New Water Confederacy, will make military history by being the first warring unit ever to have a full bar.

You gotta fight for your right to DRINK!!!

SONG PARODY TIME!!

Who doesn't like a good song parody?  Raise your hand.

No...I said only raise it if you DON'T like them.

OK. Good. That's everyone.

A former Clear Channel colleague sent me this one. I don't know who did it, and I don't think they want it known publicly that they're consorting with the likes of me anyway.

I added a little something at the end to make it even better.

So here's just what the doctor ordered to lighten the mood on this somber topic. A Mike Vick parody song to the tune of "Beers in Mexico" by that homosexual country singer Kenny Chesney.