House of Wachs

EMBRACE YOUR INNER HAM

Eric and Steve were too sick for school today, so we all took a best of and I caught up on my busyness. As of blogpublishing time, we should be a go for tomorrow's TRG broadcast on Rock 100.5 at 6am.

As one of Atlanta's most notable Jews, I've been asked to participate in an event sponsored in part by Heeb Magazine, part of the Cool Jew Craze now allegedly sweeping the nation by the likes of Seth Rogan, Adam Sandler, Sarah Silverman, and all those people.

The event organizers even gave me free copies of Heeb to peruse in order to prepare for the panel discussion, "The Impact of Jews in Pop Culture." In keeping with the stereotype, the copies were from 2007. Have they not published since?

The Impact of Jews on Pop Culture. Is there a doubt that Jews have had an impact? Dominance comes to mind. But what has that gotten us lately?

Iran and friends want to wipe the Jews out. Maybe they don't get the genius of the Three Stooges? The gays run Hollywood now. Didn't they see Jaws? Bernie Madoff is getting his ass kicked in prison. Maybe Rickles went over the line a time or two, but come on! OK, not even the box office receipts of all the Spielberg movies bundled in a large suitcase and handed over to his victims could right that wrong. Ass kick away, prisoners. 

What's going on kosher dog? Being tops of the pops is not really cutting it, I'd say. It's like being the best harpist at the Monsters of Rock.

Last week, a band of militant rabbis decided that lox should no longer be considered kosher, threatening the validity of so many Sunday brunches past and present. The implications for thousands of kosher Jews who have eaten lox cannot be calculated. Will they need their entire gastro-intestinal system flushed out or replaced? Should there be an asterisk painted in lamb's blood on Sunday brunch photos that feature the family gathered around a dish of lox? I personally don't give a damn because I refrain from any dietary guideline that doesn't impact my sexiness and I hate lox. Too fishy.

To me, this makes the rabbis look greedy, waiting for a multi-million dollar bribe from desperate lox companies who will pay dearly for their kosher status back. I wouldn't be surprised if Big Bacon stepped up to the plate with a billion dollars to get it's pork products reclassified...and they'd probably get it!!! Buncha corrupt fux. Making lox unkosher because of a technicality? Have you lost your mind? We've got technology now to replace those urban desert myths. And don't think that keeping kosher scores big points in the popular culture anymore. Ya know who else keeps kosher? Yup, the brown guys in funny hats who like to blow up things, and I'm not referring to Grampa Irv in Miami with a hooker.

I'm going to try to take a survey at the discussion festival of how many Jews in the room consider themselves right wing, expecting there will be a lack. I might point out that the beloved Israel we pay lip service to here in the US is filled with right wing Jews who are the only reason why Israel still exists. They have balls the size of beautiful Vidalia onions those people do and manage with an ocean of hatred surrounding them. Even the water has Jew-eating sharks there. They don't survive because thy are court jesters to the new king, and they don't tolerate 7/8ths of the crap American and European Jews do.  Do not mess with the Zohan!

There will be lots to discuss with my fellow Heebs and I look forward to it. My goal, as always, is to solve all the problems in one panel discussion. Sunday, 3/14, 10am, Oglethorpe's Lupton Hall. Lox is optional.

Peteetong!

WE STILL OWN THAT DOME!

Thank you to the folks at something called Secular Stupidest where they sell a fine line of witty conservative and anti-big government stickers.

I opened my email bucket today to discover that they enjoyed my Tea Party speech enough last week to make a sweet video production of my stint. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It was a little pitchy in parts, but I think I have a shot of becoming the next American Idol for at least the Warholian interval for which we are all entitled according to our Constitution and the Talmud.

Here it is, the Red, the Wachs,and the Blue:

HOT CURLER

Friday night I watched the entire women's Olympic curling final. Before you form the word "loser" on your tongue, consider:

This is the captain of the Canadian team, Cheryl Bernard. Low to the ground, mouth open. That's why I like the women's curling. In HD her arched eyebrows, blue eyes, and curling broom made her look like a really athletic, sexy witch.

That was Friday night.

Saturday was another Tea Party appearance to celebrate the one year mark of the thing. I spoke. It went well. The crowd was small, but these events are just there to let people know the flame is still burning, and the November and beyond reclaiming of a somewhat constitutional government is still Job 1. I just wish the speakers would exercise some self-government and get off the stage after 5 minutes. And make sure they have something vibrant to say.

I say this because I was scheduled 7th or something and the first guy out of the box read something like 20 pages of eloquent constitutional thought, which is nice but incredibly dull. The point here is to fire up ordinary citizens with inspirational and witty remarks on the current state of things. Not audition for the next CPAC.

I like Tommy J, and Benny Frank, and all those rednecks who founded our country, but when it's 52 degrees with a windchill of 41, and I'm yay close to doing the unthinkable and borrowing Herman from Dunwoody's New England Patriots pullover as if he's the captain of the football team I'm dating, I'd like not to have to hear another exhaustive study of the Federalist Papers.

Congressman Tom Price got up there, knocked them out with a few pithy, yet rousing, remarks, and called it a day after 2 minutes. Looking forward to the next one, but please, let's remember why we're doing this. Hearts and minds aren't won without editing and wit. 

 

I was so cold that I sought refuge in the Grady Hospital McDonald's which is a little like going to a prison meal or, at least, the snack bar at the DMV...if they had one. I'm happy to say I wasn't assaulted or killed, and the fine employees there wear double gloves on their hands. My only complaint is that the bathroom smelled of homelessness despite the fact that an employee had to buzz you into it from behind the counter. Guess what? That system is not keeping the bum smell out of your bathrooms. Seems to me the lock is keeping the cleaners out, too.

Too much fast food this weekend although Subway isn't really junk and this time it was slow food. I had the misfortune of being behind an entire Indian family with Dad, Mom, Grandmom, 3 kids, and the pet cow...j/k on the cow....might as well though.

The last time my wife thought I was an overbearing control freak, I flew her to India to hang out with some Indian men. This guy...like how I wrote that in an Indian accent? "This guy."...must have grounded his children for a week 4 times for some small transgression in the Subway line like picking white instead of the healthier whole wheat bread, or, Shiva forbid, even looking at the roast beef.

So that took forever just to get their sandwiches off the starting block and then, down the line, the mother...or maybe it was the grandmother. It's hard to tell with that freakin' babushka on her head...runs into trouble with the toppings. Overheard conversation:

SUBWAY SANDWICH ARTISTE: Mademoiselle, What veggies would you like?

INDIAN WOMAN: I'd like some baby spinach on my sandwich.

SSA: Uh...we don't have none o that. Just what's up here on this sign.

(taps the dirty plexiglas with the gloved hand, rendering glove microbially moot)

Now the overbearing Indian dad, having kept the kids in line, goes over to see what her problem is.

OVERBEARING SMALL-PENISED INDIAN DAD: Did you ask for the baby spinach?

INDIAN WOMAN: He is telling me they don't have the baby spinach.

OSPID: OK, then we take the regular spinach.

SUBWAY ARTISTE: Sir, we don't have no spinach.

Then he motions over the franchisee at the register who speaks the culture and explains in Indianese that they don't have any damn spinach and where in Shiva's name does he get that idea? Just a guess. 

That all cleared up, I get to the register and the owner says, "Combo?" with a certain amount of glee. They looove selling those combos. Good profit margins, and it's one of the few words that make them feel like they fit in. COMBO!

"Combo," I reply. Before I go Rambo on this place.

"Combo!" he shouts in that "welcome to Moe's!" style voice, like I won the jackpot. I felt I did, getting out of there with a meal that at one point didn't look possible.

It was tasty, for the record.

Peteetong!

"R U F***in' Serious?" (Rough and Serious)

Hat tip to Regular Guys Show listener and House of Wachs reader Ronnie Mullis of Griffin, GA who emails this enterprising and entertaining bit of journalism:

As I was leaving the Ringling Bros. circus Saturday, my family
stumbled upon an even better show. Maybe not as memorable as the the
MARTA altercations, but worthy of my cell phone video camera
nonetheless. There were 4 adults, 2 men and 2 women (race is obvious),
along with several children in a jam up screaming match in Centennial
Park. I immediately thought of you guys, and your affinity for all
things of the public entertainment genre and shot a quick video. It
was a rush. I felt like an amateur videographer infiltrating ACORN. I
have posted it on youtube for purposes of promoting Atlanta's travel
industry. Here is a link. Peteetong!

Jeez, Shaqueez. You'd think Eric Robert Rudolph had struck anew. What the hell could be so problematic on a beautiful day in the park that you have to be screaming like this?  In the front of the children no less! Those precious children who will grow up and steal my TV and take my life.

Anyway, Ronnie. Peteetong and thank you for the initiative. Who knew that Sebas could inspire anyone out there? We'll have to play this on the air tomorrow. Lucky. You got to see TWO circuses!!!!

WEEK IN THE REAR VIEW 3/8/08

Rapper Juvenile 'devastated' over Gwinnett triple slayings

A teenage gunman allegedly shot and killed the New Orleans rapper's daughter Thursday along with her Sheriff's Deputy mother and older sister in their Lawrenceville, Georgia home, authorities have confirmed.

The victims--39-year-old Joy Deleston and her two daughters, 11-year-old Micaiah, and 4-year-old Jelani—were gunned down by Deleston's 17-year-old son, Anthony Tyrone Terrell.  Jelani was the daughter of Juvenile.

Police discovered the bodies in the residence on Thursday and took Terrell into custody Friday, booking him on three counts of murder and three counts of aggravated assault after he pointed them to the location of the gun he allegedly used in the slayings.  Detectives do not yet have a motive.

Per the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Deleston gave birth to Jelani back in 2004 and subsequently filed a paternity suit against the hip-hopster claiming he was the father.  The two sides eventually settled the case amicably with Juvenile acknowledging he was the father and agreeing to pay child support.

Maybe if Juvenile took responsiblity, actually fathered the children, instead of being forced by the courts to pay off the woman, he wouldn't be grieving..if he is. That's not support. That's bribery. Court-ordered guilt payments.

I was recently watching Def Comedy Jam where African-Americans chortle in delight as other African-Americans point out how backward they are. One woman was doing a routine about how she don’t want nothing to do with her boyfriend's kids. She was with him for one reason and one reason only. She need her some.

WHOOOOOOOOO!!! HOT DAMN!!! hooted the audience. You go girl. You don't need no man kids. Nu-uh.

I thought it was funny and sad. People in the audience howling at their own demise.

Usually it’s the woman who has the kids, and when this attitude is combined with the lethality of the frustrated, itinerant male, the results are about what you'd see in Gwinnett in the case of Juvenile, the naive and ludicrous rapper.

Clayton school board member quits hours before crucial meeting

I wonder if the outraged teen-aged parents and 30-something grandparents down in Clayton County can spell "accreditation." Well, they have no one to blame but themselves for the mess they find themselves in vis a vis the school board and it's inability to get it's schools certified by the obnoxiously low standards of the government.

They should protest themselves for being so severely lacking in judgment that they let thieves and incompetents play political games with their children's lives. How come neighboring counties don't have this problem? They elect from the same pool of bureaucratic idiots. Oh, yeah, they have good bureaucrats in Henry County.

I think that Clayton County is now officially run by tribes and warlords. Send in a surge.

Kid Rock Pleads NG in Waffle House assault case

I can't help but wonder what Kid Rock's life insurance premiums are like? I just got rejected for some life insurance due to some cancer on face. It was excised 100% but the insurance company said, "No. More money."

Kid Rock gets into Waffle House fist fights, apparently eats there a bunch, smokes cigarettes, and was dating that hepatitis case for awhile. I'd be pissed if he has life insurance at a reasonable rate.

I will say this though. Kid Rock, you have re-asserted yourself as the King of Dirt. You are the capo di tutti trash. You have embraced your inner redneck. I think I speak for all Waffle House customers when I say that getting arrested at Waffle House is a very cool move.

Kid Rock won't make the Fonzie mistake. If you're gonna put on a leather jacket, you best be backing it up with a good kick in Jose's teeth when he doesn't pay his cock-fighting debts. When you put on a wife-beater, it's not the time to look for a cure for breast cancer. Respect the shirt, boy.

It's a fact. America loves a filthy, unrepentant cracker, especially one that is willing to sacrifice his good name for a more authentic music listening experience. Without Kid Rock getting himself arrested at Waffle House, you might as well be listening to Fall Out Boy.

Steinem says McCain's POW status is overrated.

Gloria Steinem is so penis envious it's insane. If you said to her tomorrow, I can give you the penis you always wanted but it's John McCain's dried up shooter, she'd lunge for it.

POW is what they call Gloria's dates...Prisoner Of Witch.

Gay-marriage foes face tough questions from California high court

Guess which headline writer is in favor of gay marriage?

Yeah, the foes of gay marrage are facing the tough questions because they only have the law since the beginning of time on their side. It's a tough case to make.

It's the people who want to re-engineer society that will have the easy questions.

Dungeons & Dragons Co-Creator Dies at 69

That would be one Mr. Gary Gygax, as middle schools across the land flew their flags at half mast in honor of him. How many did he help to extend their virginity well into their 20s, and save society from so many unwanted pregnancies?

Former starting QB Harrington released by Falcons

See that Falcons fans? You don't have to kill a single dog to get released. Just suck.

Actually with his O-line and surrounded by such immense talents such as Alge Crumpler and Roddy White and Warrick Dunn, he wasn't given much of a chance.

But the Falcons have brought in this guy from the Unsentimental Patriots and it seems there is no time for the reeaissance of Joey. Now we have Chris Redman as the front runner for ATL QB pending further unsentimentality.

In less than one year, the Falcons QB position has gone from foolish black man to Chris Redman.

Men who do housework may get more sex

Like sex with your wife is some big whoop reward. My wife didn't even reward me for getting my new high-paying radio job. Now all of a sudden she'll be in heat because I picked up a throw pillow? Hip-hopper, please!

The report, released Thursday by the Council on Contemporary Families...

What crypto feminazi douchebag propaganda machine is this, and what kind of mythological world do they think we live in where men sit around all day and do nothing...and yet the bills get paid?

The shocking part is not the story, but the fact that every TV, radio, and news outlet in America had it featured prominently for a whole news cycle. There must be reporters who actually report somewhere, but I guess budget cuts in the media have made them rarer. The only real reporting we get these days is from the crews who follow Britney Gash and Paris Slutson around.

They really earn their paycheck, which is not to imply that they are actually pitching in around the house just because they went out and earned.

NO CITY FOR ANGRY MEN

This evening, I took the opportunity to address the Johns Creek City Council, and the mayor, on the problem of Eric Von Haessler's hateful and disrespectful remarks recently about my city. Here is the text of my address.

Mr. Mayor, council members, media people, friends---

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. This is a tale of two cities. This is a tale of two men. This is a tale of 2 girls and 1 cup, and this is the tale of two ideas so diametrically opposed that somethig must give.

Recently, my colleague at work, Mr. Eric Von Haessler, chose to pursue an extremely slanderous agenda aimed at the city of Johns Creek. The motivation is not clear nor very important, although I happen to think that he is jealous and has a bit of a screw loose because of his choices in life.

Eric Von Haessler, you see, lives in Roswell. That's right, you heard me, Roswell. A city blighted by grifters, pimps, illegals, card counters, strippers, hippies, people with ED, gypsies. tramps, MARTA riders, motorcycle gangs, drug dealers, jackrabitt retailers, troglodytes, waterheads, and illegals. Mr. Von Haessler, of Roswell thinks it's OK to call Johns Creek an inferior city. He says it's OK to step up criticism of our new city from the ooze of Roswell, GA.  Well, ain't that the cess pool calling the creek wet?

I call upon you board members and Your Honor the Mayor to release to me a grant of $500. With these funds, I will endeavor to print posters of Mr. Eric Von Haessler's stupid face and get these posters placement in the fine homes and businesses in Johns Creek.

I call them "Not Wanted" posters. When Mr. Von Haessler comes to visit our city he can be shunned as he should be for his insensitive and hypocritical remarks.

In closing, I would like to say how much I love Johns Creek and America. But unlike America, Johns Creek is new and fragile. It's newer than Iraq..I'm pretty sure. Whatever. In order for greatness to occur, there must be limits to our tolerance. Roswell tolerates grifters, pimps, illegals, card counters, strippers, hippies, people with ED, gypsies. tramps, MARTA riders, motorcycle gangs, drug dealers, jackrabitt retailers, troglodytes, waterheads, and illegals. Are we going down that road?

I believe Delta flies to Roswell. So if you don't like it here. They're ready when you are.

Snap. And Thank you.

LARRY THE KING

OK, fuck it. I changed my mind. Man's prerogative. My last post brought nothing but negative reaction and embarrassment. Burger King brought back the Whopper.

I will post when I get the chance, and right now I have the chance. Rejoice.

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In Whole Foods I saw a magazine with big fat Paula Deen on the cover. What is healthy about her cooking? Organic lard?

Why is it that Whole Foods doesn't carry People Magazine at their checkout stands? What religion are they running in there that gossip and humor are in the same category as trans-fats?

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Everytime I jog past this one house in my neighborhood, a crazed poodle (I think it's Korean owned which explains the neuroses) leaps out of the bushes and acts like an asshole toward me. It can't go very far or else it's electronic collar zaps it. Ethically, I have no problem teasing the dog so it shocks itself over and over again until it learns. Get some manners crazy poodle!

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On the news, I heard a reporter give the grim story of how an inner city youth named DeAnthony was killed in some inner city mischief. I can't help but think that his name had a little something to do with the fact that he was DeAnthonized. When you name your kid in the negative such as DeAnthony, or UnShawn, or Nochelle, you have to understand that you are putting a target on their back. Henceforth, I am calling my daughter, Proretha.

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At the QT one recent morning:

CLERK: 53 cents is your change. Come on back.

He left the register to go to the back room of the store, so I followed him. Maybe I won a prize for being a polite customer.

CLERK: WTF are you doing back here?

ME: You told me to come back.

Turns out that's what they tell people to make them return to the store in the future.

We had a good laugh about the mix-up and he invited me to sit on the milk crates with him and look at a copy of Juggs magazine he stole from the rack up front.

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Police station cars outside of bars on the theory that dangerous drivers will be leaving the parking lots late at night. That may be true, but my experience of late is that more dangerous drivers are leaving hospitals than bars and nightclubs. Twice in the past two weeks, I've swerved to avoid women crying as they leave the hospital. God knows what goes on in there, but it makes them lose control of themselves. Women, disease, driving. That's a deadly cocktail, friends.

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Hey, Gator fans who get Georgia plates with the Gator logo. I'm buying a pack of Sharpies to keep in the car. Just lettin' ya know. Isn't it enough that you steal our water? You want a Florida tag? Move to GODDAM FLORIDA!!!

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Billy Ray Cyrus recently apologized for his daughter, Hannah Montana, not wearing seatbelts in her movie...in 3D yet!!! I appreciate the sentiment, but I can handle this.

Well, Daddy. Hannah Montana doesn't wear seat belts. (LOUD BELT NOISE ON KID'S ASS)

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Here's a photo of Gary Coleman getting married.

Gross!

The gays must be really pissed. It's really rubbing their noses in it when this marriage can occur but their's cannot.

WACHS' MEDIA MEDITATIONS

Channel 46 here in the ATL is really dumb. How hard is it to get ratings when they have this magnificent creature of gOD on their staff? I'm referring to Dagmar Midcap, pictured above, with the glorious cans made of soft she-leather. She's clearly Canadian or Australian.

You wanna know why it's hard to get ratings with her, and why they are always last in the news race, sometimes behind syndicated reruns of Archie Bunker's Place? She's currently utilized as the EARLY MORNING weather gal. A time of day when few can really study her. Shame.

The caption on this said that she MAY be moving to evening news weather. Hell, she should be doing the whole newscast by herself. Sports, weather, traffic, murders...the whole she-bang. Katie Couric does it, and she doesn't even have the looks to distract viewers from her many inaccuracies and gaping gaps of actual news knowledge. She's a downright toothy moron!

I want to be assassinated by those cans.

Herschel Walker reveals in new book he has multiple personalities

"That's all news to me," former Georgia coach Vince Dooley said in Friday editions of The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "All I know is whatever personality he had when he had the football was the one I liked."

"I'm probably one of his closest friends and that's news to me," said Frank Ros, who was captain of Georgia's 1980 national championship team. "I knew he was working on a book but I just thought it was about football. He does 100 things at once and always has projects going on, but that blows me away."

The reason for the confusion is that Tony Dorsett, who thinks he's Herschel, wrote the book.

I know everyone in Atlanta is staking out this blog and checking it every few minutes for some confirmation about rumors they've heard about me and my career in show business. Well, your patience has paid off!

I just received a letter from my masters at SuperDeluxe.com and Turner Entertainment Group informing me that What's Your Story, America's #1 satirical sub 3-minute news show on broadband video sites in America, is renewed for another 10 big episodes due to my kick-ass attitude!!!

After a couple of week break, the next show will be Friday, the 8th day of February. YEAH!!!!!

KIND NEWS NUGS

I have witnessed this countless times. Someone on TV, or at a gathering, will refer to black Africans--people living in Africa, never set foot on our soil--as African-Americans.

On a parallel correctness track, there are all those people who have looked at me like I'm an idiot when I've referred to white people from Africa who live here now as African-Americans.

Here's a variation on that old nugget. In Maryland, the governor has proposed a special driver's license for illegals. From the report:

Undocumented immigrants would not be able to use their license to board airplanes, enter federal buildings, or cross borders.

Ummm...wouldn't having a driver's license make them documented immigrants? Undocumented has now completely replaced illegal in the English language for Impractical-Americans from every country.

Oh, it's also a dipshit idea. We'll make it so you can drive amongst us in a vehicle made of ladders, but don't do something dangerous like go back to Mexico or enter government buildings. Oh, OK.

Mark this day on your calendars. January 15th, 2008. The day a local sports team has done something correct and pleasing for the first time since 1998.

The Braves' AAA team is moving from Richmond to Gwinnett County for the 2009 season. It makes too much sense. I won't believe it until I see the stadium rise from Sugarloaf Parkway.

AAA baseball was where I caught my first professional foul ball on a 30 degree April night in Rochester in the 1980s. In fact, I got two that night. There were only 27 people there, and I think everyone else got three, so it wasn't the thrill I'd thought it'd be. Still, I have never caught one in a major league park.

Minor league baseball is affordable and intimate. The security hangups are few. You see the talked about stars of the next few years, and, in this case, don't have to live in a shitty town where eating at Chipotle is exotic. Best of all, Braves fans don't have to drive 28 miles in tremendously frustrating traffic and low level APD flunkies with their ever-changing rules on parking, and then walk through poverty's laboratory to get to the game.

Good job, Braves. It makes up for the hell you helped make of my life while working for Clear Channel.

I heard a commercial on the radio for Lifelock. I'm not familiar with the product, but it's supposed to protect you against identity theft, according to the ad. Rush Limbaugh even endorses it and says it guarantees your identity will be safe from predators or you get $1 million if Lifelock fails you.

It sounds good, but here's the catch as I see it. Who gets the $1 million dollars? Wachs or the person who's pretending to be Wachs? Because if my identity is breached, there's nowhere I can deposit the check. Do they hand you a suitcase full of bills?

Here's Bill Clinton giving a speech surrounded by teen girls. Well, they keep giving pills to Britney. What could go wrong?

Did he let an SBD or did he mind rape her?

"It's hot in here," he says. So take off all your clothes. Everybody's thinking it. Smooth.

Then he turns around and asks the teens if THEY have any questions about middle class tax cuts. It just so happens that's what Jeri with the cute top and shiny dirty blonde hair is thinking about these days. Bill cares. It's getting REAL hot in here. And if you can't stand it, GET OUT!

Where did Nurse Chelsea take the girl, and what are they doing with the Chelster in the campaign? She's not allowed to speak to anyone, but she's always around.

Depending on their perception of how they are polling with the American public, I think the Clintons have something up their sleeve, and will use her as a key prop in some unconscionable stunt that will place the nation's pity on that poor, grieving, close knit family, the Clintons, and make them king and queen once again. Chelsea will be the South Park Kenny.

Don't ask me what exactly is going to happen. It's just a hunch. Maybe they'll release Hinckley for a few days to take some pot shots at her and highlight the flaws in the 2nd amendment. Maybe she'll slip on some meat and hit her head to point out the flaws of free market health care. Maybe they'll just stick her on a MARTA train that breaks down for hours with no A/C in a scary neighborhood to point out the need for more public transport funding. I don't know. But she's there for a reason.

Good night and great news.

UM.....NOW WHAT?

Genarlow Wilson is free...to do what now?  What exactly are we celebrating?

He was convicted and sentenced to 10 years in prison for having oral sex with a 15 year-old. He was a minor, too, so according to the prevailing winds, that makes it OK.  Served three years before the bleeding hearts and his attorney named BJ got him out.

Do you think he'll be getting anymore blow jobs from anyone under 18 from now on? It's hard to say. The only real lesson he's seemed to draw from this is that a justice system that seeks to protect naive minors from sexual predation is one to be ridiculed.

What message are the 15 year old girls getting from this outcome? Reporters aren't asking. They are too busy celebrating this great victory over morality.

The news media has framed this case as that of a young black man unfairly hassled by a backward Christian view of morality imposed on all of us forward thinkers, by a troglodyte state that is embarrassing to live in because it's not enlightened like NY and California, places where the cost of living is low, the air is clean, and everyone gets along.

From the AJC:

Wilson, who served nearly three years of a 10-year sentence, may be the most extreme example of a teenager entrapped by the state's regressive sex laws.

As opposed to the progressive sex laws that they have in North Utopia where anyone with pubic hair can partake of sex without any consequence. I've gotta update my Garmin because I can't find it on these maps.

Is it of the Dark Ages to create obstacles for males to get blow jobs from 15 year old girls? 

But Wilson is not the only young offender caught in a maze of draconian sex laws. Many young people are trapped on the state sex offender registry for nonviolent and consensual sex acts as teens.

Kind of a shot in the dark, but wasn't the sex offender registry voted into federal law by almost unanimous margins in both houses of Congress and signed by the President in 1996? Wasn't there ample time to put in a provision to excuse minor horny teens such as Genarlow? We had a president who could empathize.

According to your liberal reporter, our sex laws are not just regressive, but  "draconian," too. Let's make a sentence out of that view but substitute regressive and draconian with their synonyms. Repeat after me.

It is backward and excessive to punish minors for having sex with 15 year olds.

What do you think? Put your politics to the side. I don't care what party you belong to. It's not relevant.

Do you feel comfortable about having your 15 year old give blow jobs? What progress is going to come of that? That's how you got your high-paying job, right?

I've seen the cool and non-confrontational parents hand out the birth control devices. The results have been uniformly awful.

It's just basic. It doesn't take a degree. You could be getting lucky behind the school in lieu of attending class and still understand this. The more a behavior is subsidized, the more of it there will be. In practical terms, giving a birth control device to a minor is also giving them permission to do it more. Go to Vegas and see what your odds of losing are the more you play.

Contrary to pop belief, adulthood is not conferred on minors by encouraging risky behaviors as physical maturity approaches. Adulthood is achieved by learning the art of restraint and self-control. Picking your moments and knowing there will be plenty of chances to shine.

I'm going to side with Draco on this one.

SLEEPLESS IN AMERICA

House of Wachs campaign correspondent Pete Davis emailed us exclusive video of Fred Thompson's wife's ass.

Pete files this report:

Had insomnia today so I ambled over to the Fred Thompson visit in Kennesaw this morning. Was planning to use my phone to video the event, but when I got home, all that was on it was pics of his hotass 18 year old wife in a form-hugging dress. You could hear him talking but all you could see was her, and at one point when I zoomed in the dj started playing some porn-type music on the speakers.

She was the highlight of the day.

Good work, Pete. Now go get some well-deserved shut-eye, buddy.

I wasn't aware of Fred Thompson's wife until this video, and she sure does look attractive.

The sexiness of a potential First Lady is a very important consideration to many voters because, as you know, every year at Christmas, the President traditionally makes a list of the people whom he will pardon and the people who will get to tag the First Lady for an hour.

Also, the First Lady of the US is the closest we'll ever get to having a real queen in this country, which is vital to keeping us competitive with England.

Personally, I've been leaning Giuliani. But now? I don't know. It's a toss-up. Hey, baby. You and Fred want to meet some "swing" voters?

Don't forget, if you have important news videos like this, send them to: WHATSYOURSTORY@SUPERDELUXE.COM

CRY ME A RIVER

Drought, my eye! Yer all wet!

Let's get one thing straight. There is no shortage of water. It's everywhere. I took pictures.

There's some:

And here:

And right behind Frankenstein and his underage girlfriend:

Like oil, this is a politically arranged drought we're having in these parts, and the solution is a drought of government intervention or a wave of military force...in case it doesn't do something crazy like rain.

First off, with regards to the current watering bans: I have found both legal and sordid ways around them and continue to water my law freely. If you get a waiver from your lawn guy that says you've just put down new sod or such, they let you water it. One Jackson later, you've got your letter of waiver and let the wetlands resume. I've also rescued one of Vick's dogs and trained it to eat Fulton County Water officials on sight, so something good came out of that other Fulton County debacle.

Where you see a brown lawn, I see a white flag. It's the sign of capitulation, not of good citizenship, as has been characterized by numerous articles and letters to the editor from the "common gooders" chorus. And short of a hard shut-off from the water company, my showers will end when I have finished examining myself for cancers of the intimate places. Hell, it takes probably 4 gallons alone just to get the hot water and soap going. And just see what happens to your facilities, water czars, when you shut off thousands of angry people by government edict. I have been known to hurt people if I don't get my coffee and a shower.

A brown lawn is the sign of failure. You've paid hundreds of thousands for a home and a small patch of land so you can grow a few tomatoes, your dog can take a shit, and your kids can throw up when they come home from the prom. The American Dream. And after all that work and investment into the biggest asset most of you will ever own, you can't sprinkle a few gallons of water on it everyday? Why? So a mollusk in Florida can stay alive? Is this mollusk delicious in garlic and butter? Then either build a theme park around it and charge admission, or get rid of 'em!

Now Governor, and Top Aquatic Supervisor for the State of GA, Sonny, warns that we will run out of water in January. I doubt that highly. It's going to rain eventually. We don't live in a desert. Last I checked, a case of bottled water cost a third less per gallon than it's gasoline equivalent. The tap water you get is priced at a few pennies a gallon. There is no shortage of water. The shortage is in the bottlenecked delivery system monopolized by the state. Can someone at least entertain me with a stab at a practical reason why we can choose our gas, cell phone, TV, food, and internet providers now, but not our water or electricity providers?

Gee, which of the above staples of everyday life has routine outages and shortages? Food? Not even in a snow storm. TV? Have you seen your waistline lately?

Logically, the shortage is man-made, and voila! It is. The federal government mandates that we share the Chattahoochee and other resources in Georgia with Alabama and Florida, and they're just hooting and hollering down there, watering whenever they please, while we sit indoors watching expensive lawn care go up in smoke, so gullible in our belief that these are such unique and tough meteorological times that we must...(bite my lip and sniffle)....sacrifice for the greater good (i.e. Florida and their rare mollusk collection).

Well, to put it politely, FUCK THAT. Now this is a civil war I can get behind.

We have it. If they don't, they should find their own damn rivers and lakes. I know they have them because I've been to them. It rains there, too. And they've got way more ocean access than we do, so start de-salinating, Sal. What's the problem?

I'll tell you confederates what. If you really want to have a genuine Georgia vs. Florida fight where you can beat the hell out of one another, put down that pussy college football, and I'll join you. And so you won't miss a minute of the fun and excitement of a real Georgia-Florida tiff, I'll supply the cocktails during the war. The NWC, the New Water Confederacy, will make military history by being the first warring unit ever to have a full bar.

You gotta fight for your right to DRINK!!!

SONG PARODY TIME!!

Who doesn't like a good song parody?  Raise your hand.

No...I said only raise it if you DON'T like them.

OK. Good. That's everyone.

A former Clear Channel colleague sent me this one. I don't know who did it, and I don't think they want it known publicly that they're consorting with the likes of me anyway.

I added a little something at the end to make it even better.

So here's just what the doctor ordered to lighten the mood on this somber topic. A Mike Vick parody song to the tune of "Beers in Mexico" by that homosexual country singer Kenny Chesney.

DON'T GET MAD, GET GLAD

Ya heard?

The Atlanta City Council is considering a ban on the wearing of baggy pants, an activity popular with dangerous and stupid people.

Atlanta Councilman C.T. Martin, says saggy pants are an "epidemic" that are becoming a "major concern."

I've received a huge volume of emails here at the House of Wachs on this hot button issue. Here's a sample from a HOW reader in the Atlanta suburban area:

"Larry, what kind of world is this that allows ghetto youth to parade around town half nude, but I can't wear my white hood to a barbecue with friends?"

Excellent question, and although I understand your outrage at this travesty and your strong desire to see people of rhythm dressed in slacks and white alligator belts, please CONSIDER:

We've been down this road before, in the 80s when we banned the wearing of Viking helmets and large clocks around one's neck.

Remember how many children lost track of time and plunged into drugs and promiscuity?

If you ban baggy pants, how will people be able to tell us that they are dangerous and stupid? Many of them cannot speak or, at best, grunt like animals in order to satisfy their base urges for food, water, and poppin' pussy. This may be our only protection from such desperadoes.

What will Britney Spears' children wear? They didn't choose their womb. We've certainly had enough unwelcome nudity from that family.

Banning baggy pants may stop one slippery slope, but it will certainly start a new one when power mad government officials start banning other things that they don't like. One day we'll all wake up in regret when we realize that they've banned traditions that you or I cherish such as sideways baseball caps, hand jobs on a park bench, and public displays of menorahs.

I propose a solution that is free of government, which then can spend time on the things it does best such as helping single women raise more children.

Why not recruit and pay some of the world's top homosexuals to be seen in public wearing baggy pants and Timberlands? I think you'd see a welcome change of clothing. And think how pleasant it would be to buy some chronic from a lad dressed like Robert Goulet.

WORD!

RUNNIN' WILD, LOOKIN' PRETTY

Jesus Hiram Christ! Would you look at that?

How can you sentence that to jail?

That's Heather Lyn Johnston (stripper name: Charli) pleading guilty in court today. She and her puffy friend, whose name I don't recall because she was not the attractive one and should get jail time in my opinion, caused a national stir in February when they robbed a bank in Acworth, which is unusual for teenage females, and all the media but me dubbed them the Barbie Bandits.

What will her sentence be? I'd be lenient since there was a chance she was simply  looking for quarters to bounce off her tight belly. I'd have given her community servicing. Free lap dances for the privileged. Why should the homeless always benefit from crime? They have no money in that bank.

Envious that we've gotten our underage bank robbing problem under control here in the 'burbs, Atlanta sexpert and mayor, Shirley-Girl Franklin, continues to insist that Atlanta is teeming with "children" running around as hookers, and Craigslist is the culprit. It's all right here on the front page of today's AJC, the paper with the massage parlor ads in the sports section. Why would they lie? It's not like Craigslist is destroying their classified ad business model or anything.

Let's take a look at the evidence that has been gathered.

Atlanta Investigator Thurman said the vice squad goes to craigslist.org to arrange stings. Police go to the site, arrange to meet a man at a hotel and arrest the man when he arrives, Thurman said.

Excellent reporting. Child hookers ARE on Craigslist, even though they are imaginary and put up by the Atlanta Police.

As a citizen journalist, I feel that it's my job to finish up where the AJC, owned by a billion dollar company and therefore lacking the resources needed to investigate further, has brilliantly left off.

Here are some of the whares currently for sale on Craigslist.

An ad for NEW TO THE CITY THICK AND PRETTY...18!!

I counted the rings on her bottom and came up with 17. I'm not buying it..even with your credit card.

RULING: Child.

This ad for HOT*******SEXY******EROTIC "claims" she is 24.

She is in a bubble bath, which children enjoy immensely....But, what's this?

A beverage by the tub. Children love bubble baths, but they don't drink alcohol. Therefore, this must be fruit juice.

RULING: Child.

Next up: ***CUMM PLAY WITH ME IN MY NAUGHTY SCHOOLGIRL OUTFIT**** AGE 24

Marist? Greater Atlanta Christian? She clearly has a uniform and the look of someone from a family of privilege who can afford a school of such educational outer and underwear. After sitting in the parking lot of every Atlanta school at which the girls wear these outfits, I came up with several matches.

RULING: schoolchild

Here's an ad for KISSABLE NICE LIPS AND OBESE AS A WHALE...I KNOW WHAT MEN LIKE!!!

RULING: There's definitely a child in her belly. The Mayor wasn't exaggerating...I mean, eXXXaggerating.

Great work, everyone. Now the mayor can concentrate on investigating complaints that Craiglist has ads for people looking for work who claim to be legal citizens? Is anyone buying that?

COMMITMENT TO EXCELLENCE

I'll admit I committed a crime today by stealing a neighbor's paper, but I don't think it should be addressed or punished by the legal system. Here's what happened:

I hopped into my car to go to get something to eat and I was starving. Literally. I had just run for 45 minutes in the heat, and after 35 minutes of getting cleaned up and inspecting myself, I could feel my body cannabilizing it's own lean muscle mass. Mouth is alive, all running inside, and I'm hungry like the wolf.

Here's the thing about me and hunger. I will kill, if need be, to get a meal. Not that I need to, but I am prepared to take another person's life if they stand between me and a meal that I think I must have.

I was a little crazed with hunger and forgot to bring along a paper to read which is a must for me. I do not enjoy chewing and staring at walls or talking to people. It's not pretty when I eat, especially when famished, and I'm very self-conscious about it, so I like to have some sort of publication to hide behind when push comes to chew.

Interestingly, this doesn't apply to video distractions. I do not enjoy eating while watching TV/video/internet because my chewing disrupts the dialogue or I have to pause the eating to click on something.

OK, so I'm crazy hungry and without literature. I decided to take the first newspaper I see in a neighbor's driveway. After all, it was almost 2pm, and at that point, if you haven't read the paper, you're not gonna.

I don't think I drove but 2/10ths of a mile before the perfect situation presented itself. Not only did this household have today's AJC yellowing in the summer heat of the driveway, but SUNDAY'S NEWSPAPER was still out in it's wrapper!!

Drove up to it, opened the door, hauled today's paper into the car, drove off in a hurry, almost colliding with a school bus traveling on the correct side of the street. Went to rustle up some chow.

In an article from this ill-gotten edition comes a mean-spirited nugget from the editors. Today being back to school for a lot of Metro Atlanta counties, they made a list of the dropout rates for high schools in northside counties.

Very little of it surprising, except for DeKalb County where the average dropout rate at the 21 schools listed was just over 30%. I expected higher. But within the list for DeKalb was this...

Now, DeKalb is one of America's wackiest counties, for sure, what with it being a part of Cynthia McKinney's former district, the Sheriff-elect there getting assassinated by the guy he beat in the election, the County Executive behaving more like Fred Williamson than a duly elected leader, and the interest in re-opening the Wayne Williams child murders over 20 years after the book had closed, just to name a few of the higher profile goings-on in the past few years. Gwinnett has made an impressive stab at the title what with the Runaway Bride and the Mansion Madame, but those were the crimes of the well-to-do, and on a day-to-day, street by street basis, Gwinnett is not nearly as insane as Dekalb. Dekalb is almost a leper colony.

So they really don't need the local insane asylum included in their listings of high school dropout rates. That's just piling on. They've got enough problems, and I don't even think a well-run county such as Cobb or Cherokee would be able to get one of these psychos to graduate, either. I don't even think it's a good idea for psychos to get diplomas. As I wrote in my children's book, "If You Give A Psycho A Diploma..."

If you give a psycho a diploma....

they will want a job......

...and if you give him a job....

....he will rape all the women and shoot all the men.

Belly sated, sanity returning, I felt remorse and started thinking of my crime today. I'm not a psycho. I want a job. I am a good worker. I deserve a job.

I put the paper back into order and rolled it into the original plastic baggie and tossed it back into the driveway from whence it came.

You can't tell the difference. No one but Jesus knows and he is very forgiving. No harm, no foul play, I say.

TRIUMPH OF THE PITS

"Illiterates for Vick" held a rally outside the Georgia Dome yesterday where the Falcons were not practicing and court cases were not held.

This female-led family is very happy that they spelled a sign correctly AND it's funny.

They want the court system to slow down, because they feel the court system is rushing into things. And the rest of y'all....Y'all ain't got no proof.

Anyway, look at the dog in the Vick jersey. If Vick were really cruel to dogs as the indictment states, would this dog dare wear a Vick jersey in public? Of course not.

Why can't we all just slow down?

WACHS RISING

Jimmy Kimmel's coming to town! Quick! Gotta whiten my teeth.

I can have the fava beans, but the chianti, it stains. Sorry.

Oops! Almost forgot to shave. Can anyone recommend an an unbeatable disposable razor?

Hey, it's the Shick Quattro! Excellent ad.

I'm glad the man having the naked children rubbed all over his face is clad only in a towel. Does anyone have a countdown clock for when the Shick Razor Babies turn 16? That's hot!

I'm going to purchase the Shick Quattro now that I have seen the science behind it. When I rub naked babies on my face, I want them to coo and giggle, and not scream and holler, which can only be achieved by using a top quality disposable razor.

It's a very exciting week at Wachsville Station as summer repair projects get under way in my mouth, and I have obtained a cutting edge razor. I'm already feeling sexier

Many thanks to Jimmy, Unc..I mean, Cousin Sal,  and the management of Channel 2 for inviting me along last evening at the JKL Premiering in Atlanta After 5 Years of News Reruns Party. Everyone was in high-spirits including this reporter.

Still, the hurtful, mean-spirited comments continue to rain down on the parade. There are many sour, jealous people out there of the carefree Wachs lifestyle.

Here's a comment on an article by a person hiding behind the cloak of "noho":

Only Rodney the Ho could work in a reference to that loser Wachs in an article about Jimmy Kimmel.

I won't dispute the fact that, while I am, on balance, somewhat of a loser, I wonder what this Noho person would do in this ethical conundrum:

A friend of yours gets a network TV show. He comes to town to promote it, and extends an invitation to join him for an evening of dinner and dancing despite the fact that you are a loser. Your answer would be no?

OK.

Good choice.

I can see where you're coming from.

I was wrong to go. And it was more wrong that a TV/Radio reporter made note about this. He should be writing about Atlanta TV and radio instead of what radio and TV people are doing in Atlanta.

BLANK LEADERSHIP

Sorry. The company with which I host has been down a good chunk of the day, and you weren't able to click the ads to the left.

But we're back together again.

From the AJC:

Falcons owner Arthur Blank declined, multiple times, to say if he wants Michael Vick to play for his team this season — or if he wants him to ever wear a Falcons uniform again.

Journalists. Always the first to know and the last to tell. Where were the media enablers when Vick's stupidity and hijinks were obvious years ago, after Ray Lewis broke Vick's leg for selling him bad weed? Oh, yeah. They were hassling Limbaugh for saying that sportswriters are a bunch of bleeding hearts who tend to give extra cover to the black QB.

So much uncertainty. Oh, what will the Falcons do?

This happened to me once. Way way back a few months ago, I was accused of breaking the law and not following company policy. Guess what they did? They threw my ass out the door, even though it turned out later I was pure of heart and innocent of deed.

Looks like Vick is done for at least 2007. He had enough trouble with the offense and now he has to work on his defense. It's just too much for the infested speedster.

This uncertainty wouldn't have happened at a little dynasty called the Multi-Championed New England Patriots. Kraft and Belichick would have cut him faster than a Patriots sweatshirt when Bill makes his cute Flashdance-inspired coaching wear. They would have done it after that marijuana bottle incident at the airport. Hell, they would have done it two seasons ago on account of him not being able to pass accurately.

It's not like Arthur Blank has a tough puzzle on his hands. It's not like he's writing letters to Randy Cohen, The NY Times Ethicist. It's embarrassing and unfortunate, but not a tough call. Vick's been problematic in so many ways to anyone who hasn't invested in a stop watch company.

Where is Bobby Petrino in all this? He hasn't made a peep. Sure, he's a rookie, but he's the head coach and this is his QB. Can you lose with the public at all by stating that you don't want Vick to play? What's the worst that can happen? Getting fired for loving animals? It's not like being against animal abusers is the third-rail of American politics. Why doesn't he speak his mind?

What if Vick was caught playing "Shine My Rims" with an underage relative? Would the Falcons brain trust hesitate on what to do? No. Would the coach sit in the corner while the owner tippy-toes down the sideline? No. Would the professional journalists stroke their stubbled chins pondering his future with the team? Well, yeah, probably the journalists would.

I was gonna go up to the Falcons press conference on Vick today, but I made an ass out of you and me by assuming the journalists assembled there in all their collective experience and trusted wisdom to ask the hard questions and get the answers for an information-hungry society would ask my question for me, so I stayed home.

They did not ask my question.

What I want to know is, did Michael Vick's dogs at least win their fights?

Well?

We need to know if there's at least one good owner on the Falcons.

PROJECT 196

AYE, CHIHUAHUA!

AJC SEZ:

Team owner Arthur Blank and president/general manager Rich McKay returned from a vacation in Africa Wednesday morning and spoke with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell on a conference call to discuss the unprecedented development and how to proceed.

Welcome back from beautiful, sunny Burkina Faso, boys! Scouting? Hope you're relaxed and ready to deal. The AJC is taking an online poll to help guide you: 

As a Falcons fan, will you still go to the games if Michael Vick is not playing quarterback this season?

I'd have to say yeah, because Joey Harrington is better. Are you kidding? There's no comparison. He's a real QB, and uses his real name at all times. Harrington doesn't do bong hits on the team bus, and thus does not get distracted when opposing defenses put in their dime package, doesn't give or receive herpes, doesn't wear cornrows, and doesn't fight dogz. He doesn't care if his rims are shiny, either. If he can stay in the pocket and remember the game plan, who knows? The Falcons might win 6 games this year.

He's also right-handed, which helps a lot, because the industry trend in pro football these days is to shovel boatloads of cash to left tackles who have a rare combination of size, speed, and agility to protect the QB blind-side and make sure the team's top investment doesn't get his leg snapped in three. The Falcons have been forced to find a right tackle, and there is not much demand for those, so the college factories don't make them. And the way Mexico Ron jumps around, it's not worth the investment anyway.

I don't know if he's guilty of any of this stuff or what--eh, probably is--but it doesn't matter. Nobody with an analytical thought process needed this incident to know that he's of little help to the Falcons to get the Bowl. I'm gonna have to throw a flag on a lot of you people out there for late hits on Vick.

I know it's unpopular, illegal and all amongst us enlightened, but I just don't get as worked up over this crime as some do. I personally don't approve of it because it makes their meat tough and less flavorful, but that's just my taste. What about the way Warrick Dunn puts mice in his anus before feeding his python? Cruel? Compassionate? Nobody talks about that as long as he builds houses for single moms. Kiss ass.

To me, it's more like an un-PC move. Just not cool when there are millions of emotional animal lovers out there looking for another reason to whine about how humans are unfair for having thumbs and creating the Rule of Law.

What's really cruel, if you ask me, is breeding more little Vicks, especially when you give a chick blisters on her petunia while trying. Cruel that. DOUBLE CRUEL!!!  I think his mama should go to jail for raising Marcus. Alas, the window of prosecutorial opportunity has closed on those, and so the pooches. It's like getting Capone for income tax evasion.

Sure dog-fighting is distasteful and backwards, but after studying them, I think we can agree that this is what many dogs like to do. They enjoy barking and fighting. And try as we may to put sweaters and ribbons and fancy coifs on them, most of them are just not up to being people. For some, it's their job to go nuts. When I see neighbors walking their dogs and they encounter one another, the dogs always must be restrained, because they can't wait to kick another dog's ass. Even though they are neighbor dogs and probably have seen one another 20 times that week, and probably humped each other a couple of times, they still snarl and leap and spit at one another like Eric Von Haessler at a show prep meeting.

Now, if Ron Mexico was fighting poodles, I'd have to say that's very wrong. Just like some women are born to be strippers and others are not, I think the DA needs to get some of the dogs on the witness stand to see which ones wanted to fight, and maybe that'll help clear things up so we can get Vick back and trade him for some 2008 picks and a case of Yoo-Hoo. Remember, everyone thought the Duke lacrosse players were guilty.

Occasionally, a Lassie or a Benji will come along and set the dog world on it's ear with the progress they make for the breed. At one point in each generation comes a dog so great that it makes people want to let dogs vote in elections, like Air Bud inspired Americans in the mid-90s when he flew missions over Bosnia.  Those are like the Bill Gates and  Chuck Yeager of dogs, although Benji struck me more like Nathan Lane. Still, not too shabby. The vast majority of the others are like John Daly. There's something really special about them, but they're capable of unmitigated stupidity at any moment.

Lots of cruel and backward activities take place on farms, by the way. People have sex with chickens, for example. Vick didn't have sex with the dogs...I mean, dogz...right? OK, then. I didn't see that in the indictment. All he did was maybe shock a few of them or withhold food to make them pissier or take pictures of them nude and stack them in pyramids. It was Abu Vick over there for sure, but let's be clear...he didn't sex the dawgz.

A lot of people raise animals and eat them on farms. Vick didn't EAT the dogeezz either, so...hypocrisy on yer ass.

Well, it's been an emotional day for all of us ATLeans, so let me just end this by saying we'll all be better off this fall if the Falcons can put Mike in touch with R Kelly's attorney. 

BENOIT BALLS UP

I noticed that most of the individually wrapped Lindt chocolate balls at the checkout desk of Borders have been squished by unsupervised hands. If I were the Border's manager, I would review the security video and match up receipts with the timeline, find the addresses of the miscreants, and throw all the coffee shop trash on their lawn after work. And I would put up a sign next to the candies outlining this procedure explicitly so they know what's going on when they wake up and find Seattle's Once Best covering their lawn jockeys. How do you think Giuliani cleaned up NY? Same thing. The idle hands which are permitted without comment to squish the chocolate balls, will invariably test the limits upward until someone is damaged. Laugh now, but save some of that energy for picking up all the knocked over bookmarks.

This wrestler murder/suicide outrage has got me so emotional I haven't been able to speak for days. The idea that a whole family is just wiped out in an instant.... Even a small one takes years of work to put together and maintain. Man, that's hard to take.

I was listening to the radio this morning on the way to the foot doctor as the local practioners of poorly prepared commentary tried to tackle this problem of rampaging wrestlers. The need to blame and make logic of just plain crazy is always a fun struggle to listen to.

The 99Xcrement morning crew took the position that the wrestler killing his family was a sick thing. I took the position that the sick thing is that they have jobs and I don't. The celebrity dirt journalism segment informed us that the son had a rare generic disorder. So rare, yet, so routine.

"Your son has a rare generic disorder. It's called "That Thingy." I'm so sorry."

"But doctor, is there a cure?"

"Yes, but not yet."

Those lads are in good company in the medical news business, though. This bulletin just flashed across my screen from no less an authoritative source than the Associated Press:

LOS ANGELES - Comedian Richard Jeni, who shot himself to death in March, had a history of mental illness...

How about that? You don't say? Well, I'll be. Right out of left field.

Serving suggestion: You might want to start institutionalizing people again before the streets fill with more homeless, and wrestlers and comedians start wiping out their families epidemic-style.

Alright...OK...I know...It would interfere with their rights to...to...be a danger to themselves and us all.  Ya don't have to get all snippy. Just a thought. Keep the borders wide open too while you're at it. What's the harm? 

"Hey. Bentwand wasn't crazy, he was on steroids."

Hmmm. OK, but aren't 102% of wrestlers on steroids? How many kill their whole family in a premeditated act? 

"He was anguished over his handicapped son."

Well, who isn't? It's not an easy thing, but this is not the 1400s. Plenty of people cope with severely handicapped children, and do so with less income, I might add. Last I checked, the government has fallen all over itself to make sure we live in a handi-capable world. Check your paystub and see how much is taken out for people who can't. I kick myself daily for not investing in the ramps and handicapped parking space contracting business in the late 80s when I had the chance.

Even in today's Wall St. Journal, (might need to subscribe, Ace) right in the middle of the front page.... 

Babes Among Elders: Nursing-Home Kids

COMMERCE, Ga. -- Ronnie Rivera, a 15-year-old in braided pigtails, sits in a wheelchair in a narrow hallway of Hill Haven senior-citizen nursing home.

Right here in the same state as where a high income narcissist and his apologists claimed his son's situation was so impossible he had no other choice than to flip the board and end the game, children and teens are using Medicaid to lawfully occupy space in a nursing home. 

It's not a great solution, but it beats being put into a sleeperhold at home by Crazy Calhoun at age 7.

Now as we go on, doctors will be arrested for handing out scary stuff in bottles, Roe V. Wade will be scrutinized for it's role in our filicidal culture, and your old friend, TV violence, will pay us another pre-election visit. Nowhere will people be calling for the building of more insane asylums. That's too crazy. Are you nuts? 

BECAUSE I CARE

Let's look back on the news of the week that I cared about. As the bowling alley DJ said to us this evening, "Let's break it down...and don't forget, the crab legs are off the chain." In a bowling center, I think the crab legs would more likely be off the hook, but then again, I'm old school when it comes to bowling, and I like to bowl with the lights on and the quiet turned up, as it tends to keep my score higher than when bowling under the auspices of a disco strobe and subwoofer, and I don't think hot seafood and sport mix. When was the last time you saw an NFL offensive line chow down on lobster and corn while the D was on the field?

Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma got involved in the War Against Radio yesterday claiming that he overheard Senators Clinton and Boxer conspiring to do something about broadcasters who air dissenting shows. The usual shouting erupted about how totalitarian the two girlish senators are, as if we needed any further evidence, and Senator Inhofe was hailed as a hero for revealing this bit of scandalous chit-chat between the two girlish Stalinists, and for pushing the Death of Radio clock back a bit to 3 minutes before midnight.

In the fuss and clamor, what was not considered by fans of radio and freedom was that there is a large possibility that Senator Inhofe made the whole thing up. Lied through his teeth. And that's fine with me, because fans of radio and freedom need to play a little more offense these days to save themselves from oblivion at the hands of the high-heeled enemy.

Back in March, I wrote:

"It's only a mild sprain," chirp the beat writers, as if this is a fluke for Chipper and he won't ever get hurt the entire season. As if he won't sprain his thumb eating a ham biscuit or something by the time May rolls around. Boy, these guys really know the drill.

All I'm saying is, don't expect anything more than a mild improvement over last year's Braves team. The bullpen is vastly improved, but you have to have a bunch of starters who can hand them a lead...

Here in June, Chipper is DL bound again, thanks to his off-season Mickey D's regimen. The Braves have a decent half a major league rotation, and the team has failed to score in 27 innings of late...at home. Cost-cutting has once again yielded a bumper crop of firm tasteless fruit for fans of local entertainment. Now that the sale is through, there are no more excuses for the management of the team. Start spending on players again, and start getting a little more ruthless with the local and homegrown players. Why do you think the Patriots are always a Super Bowl pre-season favorite? Because a guy like Bill Belichick would have traded Andruw and Chipper 3 years ago to get some good pitching and long ball.

The Falcons made the same mistake with Vick. He should be doing his rag in Oakland right now, and we should be watching Calvin Johnson hand Brian Finneran a nice gold watch. But no. We are stuck with a QB that will either will be forbidden to play or incapable of winning. For why? Don't offend the fan base. Better to be 6-10 than win and be hated in the land of Martin. As savings and loan superstar Henry Potter once said, "sentimental hogwash."

You May Be An Asshole If:

from boingboing.net: Mitchell Silverman, an attorney in Florida, noticed in a recent news-story that GW Bush's twin daughters presented him with a mix CD of exercise music for Father's Day. Since the record industry maintains that making and distributing mix CDs is a copyright infringement, Silverman sent their legal offices a letter on letterhead asking them to sue the first twins for "stealing music."

But You May Be Just Another Crummy Lawyer If:

from Mr. Silverman's blog: It has come to my attention that noncommercial copying of digital music recordings may not be an infringement under Title 17 of the U.S. Code, "Copyrights." I apologize for any confusion I may have caused or any mistaken impression I may have given.

The DOT has approved the funding and given the green light to fix my teeth. The project begins July 25th and will stretch over the remainder of the summer season. Watch this blog for updates and lane closures. I'm excited.

That's all I really cared about this week.

I SPY WITH MY BEADY EYE

From the House of Wachs mobile camera:

One must pause to consider whether McDonald's is threatening to confiscate them from the customer or accept them as payment. I can't read this without hearing, "...bitch," at the end.

Why does McDonald's insist on appealing to the thug life? Is their research suggesting that lowlifes will eat elsewhere if they are not treated with the utmost in gruffness and slang?

Behavior next to me on Buford Highway yesterday.

She's not giving me the finger. Let's zoom in and have a closer look.

She's holding a lit cigarette so as not to allow an excess of smoke inside her truck. That may cause cancer, and this lady, according to the antenna-mounted pink ribbon on her vehicle, lined up next to the cigarette, is something she's against.

TB OR NOT TB?

Hey, maybe if I masturbate into Diane Sawyer's hair while she's sleeping on a plane, it'd be OK by her. After all, if I have nothing contagious...

That's the hint I'm getting from journalism's morning princess and her exclusive soft toss to Andrew Speaker, the local contagion made internationally famous by selfishly flying all over Europe with drug-resistant TB. Diane touted he 31-year old lawyer's of holding a tape of CDC officials permitting him to go overseas. OK, I haven't heard it. But who makes a tape of their conversations about such matters other than a lawyer crafting his defense for what he knows is at best a selfish act and potentially a felony? Hey, if he can fly with TB, can I finally use my cell phone during flights?

The least he could have done was made some a stop in Iran to breathe on people. Why can't we fight dirty like they are? Quarantine him with the shoe bomber until he's better or dead. Unless he's gay, because that would be judgmental and stigmatic and infringe on his rights to...you know.

Well, never mind. That ain't no Doris Day by his side.

No doubt the idea of losing his prize cooter was a prime motivator in his decision to marry and honeymoon overseas, TB and others be damned. I, too, would be inclined to find an excuse to jet off with a Paris Hilton/Blanket Jackson lookalike, but it wouldn't make me any less selfish. What about her lungs? He only seems to care about their external side.

It also concerns me that this cavalier chap and this rare drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis both resided here in the ATL. Who else has it and where are they? Note to self: Stop sitting on Quik-Trip toilet seats.

In the lighter side of health news, I was at the store today and the Krispy Kreme folks have emerged from research and dvelopment with a new whole wheat glazed donut. That's hilarious. Whole grains. So healthy. Enrobed in fat and sugar. So not. Which will win? Good or evil? It's the most dramatic donut in decades!

THE DOGHOUSE FEATURING MV AND ARTHUR

On ESPN, the chick reporter handling the Mike Vick Doghouse beat was standing in an empty ballpark, delivering the following report:

"It's not known what percentage of NFL players are involved in dogfighting."

Allow me. Count the number of white players. Subtract from the total number of players. That should get you into a ballpark that's a bit more full. Call me if you need anything else. XOXO.

What's amazing to me is that ESPN actually pays someone a decent salary to go on camera and say, "I have no idea what's going on." Maybe she went to the same J-school class as the people on other networks who report on illegal immigration.

"Shelley, tell us. In your investigation, what is the reason behind this sudden uptick in the number of cock-fighting cases being reported?"

"Well, it's hard to say. Officials aren't sure, but they say a crackdown is imminent."

As for dog fighting, I'm against it, but I can see the appeal. It's competition for people who can't afford Barbaro. It's actually less cruel than watching two humans knock the shit out of each other inside the Octagon on pay-per-view. Maybe one of those guys bleeding from the ears could have cured cancer. We know that no matter how well you treat a dog, it will never argue a case before the Supreme Court, or even hook up your cable.

Not all dogs can make Letterman laugh. Not all dogs can put out fires. Some dogs are just...animals. That's their lot in life. Eat, fight, fuck. Wolves fight. So do bears. It's just tougher to get odds on them. Hurry, call ESPN.

Today on the golf course, I shot an 89 through 17 holes. No way I wouldn't break 100. Well, I didn't. I Tin Cupped the last hole for a 12. In the drink 4 times along the way. Heading home after cleaning up my yard sale by the clubhouse, a squirrel stopped in the middle of the road. I did with my car what I failed to do with the golf club--accelerate through the zone.

"gPbUND--dBNDmp," went the satisfying sound of tires on squirrel. Check of the rearview. Much better. That's the point of having squirrels around.

Maybe Vick was raising pit bulls for defenseless Virginia Tech students who still aren't allowed to have weapons on campus. How many students would be alive today if a couple of them had pit bulls in their dorms last month? We'll never know because Mike Vick's dog operation has been shut down, and he will likely be punished severely if he doesn't make the playoffs this year.

BLOWING SMOKE

It's an odd numbered year, so that's likely the reason my birthday went by smoothly this year. Last year--an even numbered one--I was in NY, on the upstate side, driving to my sister-in-law's funeral when I watched the car in front of me plunge suddenly into the canal running parallel to the road.

2005 was uneventful, but in 2004, my wife's best friend died in a car wreck on my birthday. I'm going to start pretending the even-numbered year birthdays don't exist, like some buildings omit the 13th floor on the elevator. They just don't exist by fiat and it seems to work. I haven't had bad luck in an office building for weeks.

My only concern this year was the smoke in the air wafting up from the South Georgia fires. That's a hell of a fire. That's some wind, too. Just enough to carry the smoke for several hundred miles without breaking it all up, and delivering all it's woody goodness right into my lungs.  As an anti-environmentalist, I don't usually whine about air quality, but now I've gotten bronchitis from it, and it will likely turn into cancer by birthday 2008....unless I pretend it doesn't exist.

Realistically, there's little anyone can do about temporary air pollution without killing jobs and prosperity, and this is no exception, but I have a proposal for the air quality elite to consider to make bad air days more tolerable in the future. Suspend all marijuana laws for as long as the air quality is in the red zone. As long as we are subject to breathing in smoke, why not allow us to at least enjoy it? It's immoral and backward to have laws against enjoyable smoke only. Wouldn't it be nice to turn on the TV one day and have the news anchors announce that today's air quality is in "The Hookah Zone?"

I'm a little peeved at one of my birthday cards. It's from my dentist. It reads...

You deserve nothing but the best.

...and there's nothing in the card. Not even a free check-up coupon.

It's just monumentally lazy that someone should acknowledge that you deserve the best, but leave the delivery to others. If I deserve it, where is it? What is it? I deserve the best dental care? That's a little self-serving, don't you think?

"Hey, what did you get for your birthday?"

"Flattery."

"Nice! Who gave you that?"

"My dentist. And my aunt emailed me a golf tip."

"Well, you deserve it."

The card really should read, "You deserve the best of nothing." The greeting was on a nice card stock. It's the best nothing I've ever gotten.

Perhaps doctors, dentists, lawyers, accountants, and anybody with access to your private records should just not be sending out birthday greetings at all. The implication of their birthday wishes is that, with all they know about you, it's a miracle that you made it this far.

Happy Birthday!!! With your family history? WOW!

Dr. Glick's office

Let's rethink this bit of marketing, okay professionals?

If a radio station is going to change format, I don't mind, but why can't they tell you before you prepare 3 hours of material for the next day? Thursday, I had some important things to say, but they never aired because I wasn't told until 45 minutes before show time that it's over, Johnny. What was the huge rush to play rock music on FM again that they couldn't wait another hour so I could tell people what I wanted for my birthday?

Of course, I got nothing I wanted for my birthday because no one could hear my list. So before someone cancels the internet, here's my list of what I want for 2008. You have a nice head start, and I deserve it, or so I'm told.

1. Health insurance. I have some, but it's not company paid, and it's expensive as hell. Here's what I propose. Someone who runs a company hire me for benefits only. You don't even have to pay me more than a nominal salary, and I'll send that to charity or something. I just want the health insurance. I'll make copies, coffee, sweep, make funny in the break room. It doesn't matter. I don't have a lot of marketable skills, but I'm good at tasks, and can make it worth some executive's while to assist them for some company-paid health insurance.

2. Sharper Image Massage Chair. I've been asking for this for 3 years. Come ON!

3. Front row tickets to a Carrie Underwood concert. I want it to be at a venue where the seating is at an angle to the stage so that I can see up her skirt. It must be heaven in there.

4. The rights to a hit song. This could get a little pricey, but I'm not looking for an expensive smash like "Start Me Up" or "Bad to the Bone." That would be cost prohibitive even if the current owner would be willing to part with these musical cash boxes. I'm looking for something a little more modest that can still keep me comfortable, like "Tarzan Boy" or "The Curly Shuffle."  I'll bet you won't even need a partner to buy "Life in a Northern Town."

5. New teeth. Because, as you know, I deserve nothing but the best.

TOMMY LETTERS 8

Dear Larry, it's Monday, April the 17th, 07! I think the "Today Show" is on right now! I have been enjoy further work on the restoration of my theatre pipe organ.------ It was a very pleasant Right here at home in Roswell! I am working on controlling my blood pressure. I have an examination scheduled this week with: Dr. Lawrence Simpson! I just took my Norvasc and metropolol tablets along with a Publix aspirin. I'm conducting an experiment, of not having any alchohol whatsover before my doctor;s visit, to see if I will get a better reading on my EKG , blood pressure, and other tests. I suffered a bad fall back around 1978,--- I had Dr. Loughlin, an orthopedic surgeon evaluate the situation, and he said: i am not going to operate at this time. but wanted me to gradually walk, and that in time it should heal properly. ---- Back to Easter--- I pulled out the sheet music for : EASTER PARADE-- "there's my Easter bonnet----- with all the thrills upon it!-- Kinda like " SUPER THRILLS by AC-DC.Did you see the news about one of the "Stones"-- I keep thinking of Bill Wyman----- smoking his father;s remains with ---o no--- cocaine?-- then one of the "KISS" performers died at age 54 of some type of an aneurism. I always enjoy watching: MARTHA STEWART in the morning----that lady has defintely been to prison before--- but you wanna know something.--- I had an attorney once---- HARDIG AND HARDIG attorney;s at law, and MR. Hardig learned his study of law when he was in prison. His wife became an attorney too! Well, gotta get Breakfast. On Easter I prepared some Maneshevitz potatoe Pancakes. We will see what's on the stove today. I;m not Jewish but I attended grade school in Toledo, Ohio, with a lot of Jewish children. The doctors couldn't perform the operation that most Jewish kids have when they were born..... I joined the YMCA in (another song) in Toledo-- and when I got to the pool, I wondered why I was different than the other boys! The instructor threw me into the pool off the high diving board.---real funny! MAN!!We have a new clock that we bought from Cornell Toncz of the Swiss Watch and Clock Shoppe in Roswell.--- It usually plays the Westminister chimes,, It also has a setting that goes""""""AVE MARIE EEEEE EEEEEA YEAH, GRATIA PLAAAA AAAA AAAA A NA---- Have a nice day, Tommy!

NOTES FROM DREAMLAND

I am aware that there are other pressing matters in our world that need my commentary, so just a few quick things.

Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole's baby? Lucky, lucky kid.

Pink is on TV right now singing "You and Your Hand," a song complaining about how men take her out on dates and then expect some sexual activity to commence.

Dear Pink--
You are not a sex object.
Sincerely,
All Men

Disco Inferno called me back last evening to inform me that my hunches were correct. There was no $10,000 buy-in for the poker game at the home in Roswell where he was busted, and some neighbor ratted them out and blew it out of proportion to see to it that the SWAT team would show up. Don't know why the axe was grinding.

Even Lt. Steve Rose, retired Fulton Co. PD, now with Sandy Springs PD, mocked the whole raid in his column. Read it.

Remember to pick up a FREE DISCO shirt online now at the House of Wachs store. The shirts are not free.

Gay sex arrests up in Atlanta Airport

It certainly looks promising for Willie B's place. They have a vice grip on the title "America's Busiest Airport."

Even MARTA's chairman goes there for a tussle.

Among those arrested is Ed Wall, the board chairman of the Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority. An officer said he saw Wall having oral sex with another man. Wall, who has temporarily stepped down from his post, has maintained his innocence.

Good luck, Ed. You'll need it. Sorry, I kind of ruined it for you by proving recently that what happens in a Fulton County public restroom is not private at all, but have a go at it. Just tell them you were planning a radio bit and they may be lenient.

I hope they don't send him to prison. It seems more like a reward.

Can't resist. Some local Imus-related news

Georgia House Rep from Riverdale, former NY Jets lineman, and possible Al Qaeda cell leader, Roberta Abdul-Salaam took some Al Sharpton-granted license to snap sum us crackers into shape for not getting with the program.

A proposal to hang a portrait of Coretta Scott King in the state Capitol died in a legislative committee Wednesday, prompting a racially charged rebuke from the measure's sponsor.

House Special Rules Committee members said they rejected the measure because they believe King has already been sufficiently recognized and the Capitol should be reserved for Georgia lawmakers.

Rep. Roberta Abdul-Salaam (D-Riverdale), who sponsored the resolution, lashed out at the committee....

"It is just like calling Mrs. King a nappy-headed (n-word)," Abdul-Salaam told reporters after the committee rejected House Resolution 376, killing it for this legislative session.

What a coincidence. The other day I heard this song by 50 Cent:

Get your hoe out of pocket, I'll put a charge on a bitch
Cause I need 4 TVs and AMGs for the six
Hoe make a pimp rich, I ain't playing bitch
Catch a date, suck a dick, hang a Coretta Scott portrait!

Finally some sanity in the debate over where to hang pictures of the wives of slain civil rights leaders. Too bad she was roundly ignored. Black people's problems would have vanished.

MONDAY NIGHT FEVER

More sad justice news in the House of Wachs. As you know, for many years, I've led the life of an insider and have traveled in some very select circles. I've been to the home of TVs Jimmy Kimmel. I was the co-host for Danny Bonaduce's first ever radio show. I stood next to Kato Kaelin as the OJ verdict was being read. I've parked at Publix next to Jeff Foxworthy's car. I worked, for many years, with someone who once interviewed John Travolta. Hall of Fame pitcher Jim Palmer lived in my basement. Just a few of the many reflected glories in which I've basked over the years.

Surprisingly, never in all these years have I turned on the radio and heard a news bulletin concerning someone I actually know.....until now. Wrestling's Glen "Disco Inferno" Gilberti was arrested the other day in a raid on a poker game in a Roswell home. I recall him asking awhile back if I'd like to play in this game, and I declined because I had other commitments the night in question and I didn't have that much cash. But I don't think the buy-in was anywhere near the $10,000 as reported on the news.

I really don't know any more details than what the news reports say. Got his voicemail and left him a message of support.  I like Glen and I always hate to see someone shafted in a victimless crime, unless you count the state of Georgia's own monopoly on gaming a victim. So I offer help in the form of a brand new shirt.

The Free Disco Inferno t-shirt available now at the House of Wachs store. The shirt is not free.

If you like wrestling and libertarianism the way I do, then you'll want to purchase this all cotton beauty today at the refurbished House of Wachs Store. Profits will go to Disco and his legal defense fund.

STRAIGHT HAIRED BASTARD

My mother found my home number again.

"Did you hear about Ibis?" she asks me.

"What?"

"Ibis."

"You mean Imus?"

Ibis?  It's two syllables. Does she receive all her news by telephone from a friend with a bad sinus problem? One certainly doesn't view the letters "I-M-U-S" and come up with "Ibis."

"Yes, Imus. Did you hear what happened?"

"I'm out of work, not off the planet."

Do you think Reagan's mother ever called him and asked, "Did you hear about what happened to Nixman?"

"I think they're gonna fire him." Translation: They should put you on in his place.

"I don't know. We'll see. He makes a lot of money for them. What did he say anyway?"

"He called someone a nappy-haired ho." I knew that. I just wanted to hear my mother say "nappy-haired ho." Guilty.

"What do you think of this whole mess?"

"It's so stupid." Now you know where I get my writing talent.

It is certainly stupid. But that's what political correctness has brought us; one ridiculous claim after another, until we have been engineered to believe without question some of the most asinine things people can dream up.

What started as the white lie to help lubricate social intercourse, has morphed into mandatory conformity with absurdity. We are clearly a less intelligent world due to political correctness. Even the term "political correctness" is too vague and friendly for a concept that has had divisive consequences for civil society. Emotionally Challenged, EC, is more accurate. It's that simple. Political Correctness is a form of emotional retardation.

Witnesseth the spread:

(from AllAccess.com)

NASSAU BROADCASTING Classic Hits WSBG/STROUDSBURG morning host GARY SMITH has been fired over a stunt that used the same phrase that got DON IMUS into trouble. According to a report in the POCONO RECORD, listeners heard SMITH use "I'm a nappy-headed ho" as the "Phrase that Pays" on the air TUESDAY morning.

In just 48 hours a phrase once considered as innocuous as it is ubiquitous in the popular culture, has been stripped of all it's important context to become synonamous with the dreaded _wN_bc-word. In a sane world that phrase would still pay. Not anymore. Just saying it is a "stunt gone awry" waiting to happen. Like holding a water drinking contest. Who knew, a year ago, that competitive water drinking would today be off limits for broadcasters? Right now, I'm busy hoarding boxes of Spic and Span cleaner for their future value as Ebay kitsch.

"....he's violated our community," said Bruce Gordon, former head of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, euphemistically known as the NAACP, for people uncomfortable with the idiotic assemblage of words behind the acronym. I've always considered it vulgar for people to anoint themselves as a clearinghouse for people of a certain skin tone. Strictly speaking, slave ships advanced colored people, too, but it wasn't a good thing.

He, meaning Imus (or Ibis...not that there's anything wrong with that), has violated Bruce Gordon's community according to Bruce Gordon. Being rendered functionally unintelligent by political correctness you won't hear many people asking Bruce the following perfectly logical questions:

"What is your community?"

"Where is your community located?"

"Does your community own property?"

"Do you own this community?"

"Are people with the same physical characteristics considered a community? Why?"

"Is it now legal to own people?"

"Have these people in your community granted you power of attorney?"

"What was the violation of the law?"

"Did your community contact you about this matter, or did you contact them?"

...for starters.

Gordon said that as a matter of principle, firing Imus should be an easy decision to make...

Actually it's a matter of politics, fascist politics, because that's what political correctness is; politics with the absence of principle.  Politics for the sole corrupt principle of the rules being whatever benefits the  speaker. Political porn.

In law, if there are no damages, there are no awards. In the supernatural law of Emotional Correctness, however, a man must forfeit some material wealth for upsetting the emotional well-being of his ever-growing number victims found by the vigilantes of emotional distress.

Ironically, Imus may be the person least damaged by his dismissal. There are executives, shareholders, workers, and advertisers who would feel the pinch and not all of them in a retirement position yet or remotely culpable. Some of them the same color as those poor, victimized scholars at Rutgers.

TOMMY LETTERS 7

And now, more a-musings from Roswell, GA's own Thomas the Tard.

Dear Larry!!  Sure is a nice day, aint it MAN!!  It's Thursday, April the Fifth of Vodka ,2007!  Did you ever notice that sometimes when you have a taxing day, that everthing seems better the next morning. I just found a music education forum on the net  and my password always seems to be invalid!I joined the HOME HANDYMAN'S CLUB SOME TIME AGO ALMOST burned a hole in the rug with  my "Good Morning America!  KOOL cigarette!  My computer has a talk program that would really be good for deaf people! I just removed the decorative shutters from my bathroom window. I have a RADIO SHACK CB walkie talkie connected to a smaller than quarter - wave magnetic car mount antenna. It puts out plenty of rf power, but I dont know if many of thos old truckers still use a "CB"  I bought some Maneschevitz Potatoe Pancakes for breakfast, a pleasant change  from grits!. the grits are hard to hold over when you are trying to make a?CUPATEA!-TOMMYnote I enjoyed  a refreshing leisurly walk over to the  North River Tavern yesterday. They really have a good corned beef on rye with a Kosher pickle and cole slaw!!!!

MEALWATCH 46

Time to decide on dinner. Why is something so pleasurable so agonizing in it's planning? Fresh thinking is in order.

I'll let the TV decide for me. Everyone else does. The first ad I see for a local food place on whatever channel is tuned, is where I'm going. This is exciting not having to make choices for yourself. I feel like a kid again. A very young kid. In diapers.

Channel 46 news is on. No food ads yet, but an overhyped story about a Paulding County dimwit who owned a lot of weapons and explosives in his garage and was busted.

After the overheated lead, we learn that he was not arrested on weapons charges, and his estranged spouse turned him in. Sounds like a harmless guy getting hassled because he and his lady are going through nasty times. Channel 46 makes it sound like he's the next McVeigh. He should have shot her while he had the chance.

I must watch 46 news more often. Their anchors aren't any more or less autistic-behaving than the others, but Cynne Simpson is very rubable. This is an advantage in a town where the TV news women average a 5 in looks.

Next story about the anniversary of MLK's death. Not news. They rehash the whole James Earl Ray non-controversy(he did it...alone) with some civil rights dummies in full revision mode whining for the 5th year in a row about how James Earl Ray got a raw deal, and now that he has rotted to death in prison, they have such love and respect for this ignorant cracker.

"He was an excapegoat!" says one fool. I look at my daughter and she at me with non-verbal disbelief.

Commercials now, finally. I crave caloric intake. This is hard core consumerism. The ads will tell me where to eat.

Rooms-to-Go.

Car Insurance.

Pest Control.

Cars.

No restaurants. Damn. It's the dinner hour. Where are the restaurant ads? I hope Ruby Tuesday's new Prime Burger has purchased airtime. I anticipate the next break.

Weather in Your Neighborhood time! They have B-roll of a prison behind Gene Norman. I guess they need weather reports, too. It dawns on me why there have been no food commercials in the past 20 minutes. The audience for TV news has dwindled to the incarcerated, the elderly, and the immobile. Dinner time for this crowd was an hour ago. Being part of the mainstream puts at me risk for starvation.

Jackson-Hewitt is in trouble. The nationally known tax prep service is being charged with fraud. What kind of fraud? Dunno. Typical stop and stare news story illustrated with footage of the camera zooming in on a Jackson-Hewitt sign in a strip mall somewhere, over and over. Is this one of the problem stores? Don't say. They just zoom in on the sign repeatedly until the narration is done. Good hustle! Great job of informing. I'm so hungry now that I consider eating at the YUM YUM CAFE next to the zoomed in on Jackson-Hewitt in the strip mall.

Recapping our lead story: The Bert Show on Q100 is in trouble. They're being blamed for a traffic nightmare that started at 2am on I-20 near Six Flags after they advertised free entry to the park for Spring Breakers from 6-9am. The local media is being terribly unfair to Bert and his radio station. It's a good promotion. It worked. Many people showed up.

The news acts as if Bert just decided to announce this on the spur without any consultation with his staff or management. I heard about this days ago and I'm not a regular consumer of the station. Why weren't local authorities or the park prepared? Did they not know that when a station with a demographic rich in young single motherhood says that a day of Six Flags would be free for the taking during Spring Break that they would have a Ganges-style scene on their hands if they didn't prepare? Did they not know that when something that normally costs $50 becomes free for a limited time, many people will want it?

I think the other media get so jealous when radio stations have the power to move people. They lose their collective minds. The blame here belongs squarely on the shoulders of Six Flags and Cobb County. I hope Bert's employers don't roll him under the rollercoaster to appease the greedy, jealous people who are criticizing him. That show is one of the few bright spots for people who think that local radio should be about local things talked about by local people. Wait, what am I saying? I hate that. I want 50 songs repeated intensively while a hayseed sitting in Birmingham tells me what's going on at Phillips Arena tonight and the forecast. Bad fingers! Stop typing lies.

Sports time. A live shot from the Masters is bungled by lousy audio. They cut to the pretaped report about the Masters and--get this scoopage--people are flocking from all over the US! I would eat that ugly woman from Rochester's hat right now if I could, I'm so hungry. Get to the commercials, goddamit! Not yet. There's much more sports news. The Thrashers are practicing! Let's ask them who will win the Masters. Every Thrasher has a face intensely mangled by hockey, and an accent mangled by Canada. Scott Mellanby is rooting for Stewart Cink because they are neighbors in Sugarloaf. Fifty bucks says those two also tag teamed Melissa Wolf and her buddy at the Sugarloaf whorehouse at some point. It keeps my appetite at bay.

Commercials.
More furniture.
Cars.
Insurance

Chick-Fil-A?....Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The hell with this. I'm not eating at that shithouse for a man-sized dinner-style appetite. Inspired by the Thrashers' faces, I head to the supermarket and purchase some pounded-thin veal for piccata.

----------

CORRECTION FROM A READER:

Please don't add another blight to us in DeKalb; Six
Flags is in Cobb County.

If it were in DeKalb the name would have been changed
by now - perhaps to:

Vernon Jones' Sit n' Spin Park

or

Nappy Valley (no offense to Penn State or any popular
vineyard)

Regards,

RC

(The correction has been made above. Apologies go to all who were deeply offended by this error. LW)

TOMMY LETTERS 6

LARRY!! I USED TO SNAP PICTURES FOR THE MARIETTA DAILY JOURNAL WHEN WE MOVED TO ROSWELL, IN 1969! WANNA BUY A USED CHROMEGA ENLARGER?---TOMMY FORD, ROSWELL, GEORGIA!!!!!!!! I ALSO DEMONSTARETED A WHIPPANY EKECTRONICS KEYBOARD AT THE NOW DEFUNCT ARLAN'S DEPT. STORE IN BROOKHAVEN FOR 6 BUCKS AN HOUR. I DONT THINK MR. WHIPPANY MADE A GO OF IT. ILL STICK WITH ROLAND! MY CORVETTE WAS ALWAYS HAVING IT TIRES SLASHED AND THE GAS TANK SUGRAED!!!!!!!!!I I LIKE TO WALK TO THE NORTH RIVER TAVERN---- NO FUEL EXCEPT A LITTLE BEER AND JKACK DANIELS IS REQUIRED!!!!TOMMY!!

YELLOW SUBDIVISION

Yay! It's March Madness in my head! Look at me. I'm wearing a yellow shirt in celebration!

Even I'm telling people, I Can't Believe It's Only March! And I'm not usually one for such inane small talk.

The Enemies of Wachs will be happy to know that I have been quite miserable lately. Today was probably the worst day yet, and no signs of bottoming out.

So there I was last week, on Memorial Drive. It's 91, and the natives are already restless and angry here at the DeKalb Traffic Court, but I still am convinced global warming is a good thing. Life is adaptation.

Your favorite petty criminal, me, was nailed doing 89 in a 55 a few months ago on 85. I'm sorry, is that too many numbers? I was going fast. Safe, because I'm a great driver, of course, but fast.

89 over the 55. Only 34 over the limit, just 1 under Governor Sonny's proposed "Super Speeder" category, so no trophy for me. And I was actually doing 94 as I recall, in one stretch of that soon-to-be criminalized journey. Must have been going up a hill at the speed gun.

I did not know this, but sometimes enterprising traffic court judges run what they call "courtroom specials." Today, the judge made note of all the speedy customers in his courtroom, and decided it was time for the wheels of justice to at least achieve the minimum speed.

"If you wanna skip your trial, just pay a fine, and have it changed to a non-moving violation, step forward, tell me your name, and go see the cashier downstairs."

But, speed kills, your honor!

"If you'd like to stay and get some points or go to jail, you are welcome to do so."

Bye!

I've never seen so many people move so quickly to throw cash at the government. We all piled into the narrow stairwell to the cramped cashier's lobby downstairs, where makeshift security equipment is crammed into the foyer, no more than 10 yards from the cashier window. Very little security advantage as I see it. A dude with a decent shot could rob that place from the front door, it's so close.

Well, anyway it is still a great deal this judge had going. Even for me in my "Up and Coming Super Speeder" category, it's worth it. No points!

I called my wife.

"Hi! I got fined $295, stood in line in 90 degree heat for an hour with overweight, impatient 3rd worlders, and sneezed my head off. But good news! I saved 15% on our car insurance.

She wasn't thrilled, but women rarely see the long view of finance.

I aborted my 3.5 mile walk/run today, so, I guess I am pro-choice after all.  I passed a car down the street that has been parked for 4 days and someone with really neat handwriting had written"pollen" in the pollen parked on the hood. Today, the letters are nearly filled in so you would have to look carefully to see the word "pollen" on the car. The fates were sending me messages in the spores, but I kept going, which was a huge mistake. The bubble boy and those photo-electric kids, who explode if exposed to sunlight, have it easier going outside. Sangina Malinkar feels more virile. So I shut it down after just 2 miles.

The big problem with allergies, besides the anti-social fluids running down one's face, and smelling like egg salad, is that the only sure cure is temporary dehydration. Even with a good antihistamine, the sufferer is too dehydrated to run well, and then more pollen gets all inside everything with a hole in it as exercise continues, sucking more moisture from the victim. Then comes the loginess as if one was running through a field of poppies, and...can't...go on.

Claritin is no match for these days of the Chartreuse Menace. I take three at a time because the recommended OTC dose may do wonders for the drug companies' legal fees, but it doesn't stop my allergies for more than 2 hours indoors, 8 minutes outside.

Now that I have a lot of freer time, I long for the days when allergy pills were big and beefy and they knocked you down like a taser and put you to sleep for 16+ hours. I remember being dragged to dog owner's houses by my parents when I was a kid for Passover Seder. They tanked me up on in the car on anti-histamines...70s-style anti-histamines...and I would fall face first into the bitter herbs before I could utter another word of the 3rd question.

Now they have pills for adults that once were the realm of mere children.  They dry you out and keep you wide awake to enjoy the parchiness of it all. We are forced to sacrifice health and happiness all in the service of preventing a few White Trashians, and Hillbilly-Americans from getting meth mouth and giving BJs on Craigslist. I've taken the initiative in finding alternatives for all of you sufferers out there who need a knight in yellow armor. My research indicates that the cannabis plant is a terrific anti-histamine. Not only that, it's legal when used for medical purposes such as this.*  Plus....just pennies a serving.

Thinking quickly before the total apathy that accompanies a rough sneezing jag kicked in, I captured the aftermath of today's aborted jog around MILFville for your listening pleasure, recorded live in my restroom. That's a shower droning in the background. Sorry.

Pollen: Seeds of Destruction.

*_{Check your local laws. Not all jurisdictions participate in this program.}

TOMMY LETTERS 5

The rain would help to wash some of the pollen away. Roswell is a quiet little community. i remember when i went to the "BIG STAR grocery store in the 70's and I bought some bagels, They said to me Why do the biscuits have holes in them, then under their breath--they said "jews eat them. I hope the South has "grown up" a little bit since that era! Im not even a "YEHUDI" but I eat bacon fpr Breakfast!---Tommy! ( footnote)) it was the grocery, bu t a couple of grundy looking guys that made the comment!  I THINK YOU KNOW THAT WE MOVED HERE FROM FLINT, MICHIGAN, AND THAT I GRADUATED FROM NORTHWESTER N THE NORTHWESTERN HIGH SCHOOL WILDCATS!!I SOUPY SALES-- ON WXYZ TV--- NOT WJR 9 THE GOODWILL STATION) GO DETROIT TIGERS!!!!SAW SOME OF THE ROSWELL HIGH KIDS PLAY FOOTBALL, BUT NEVER BASEBALL ON THAT'S RIGHT MAN-----Tv-----! TOMMY!
i like::::: GUBBLE-BUM-----IT REMINDS ME OF A OLD FRIEND, "OLD ED" IN FLUSHING DOWN THE TOILET, NE W YOIK-----NO , I CANNOT MAKE MY OWN MINTS! TOMMY!

TOMMY LETTERS 4

Today's email from my pen pal, Tommy le Tard:

Dear Larry! I think that many people are " puzzled" about the President's methods of securing a peaceful agreement between Iraq, Iran and even Great Britain.  I recently viewed, with MoM   who is feeling better, but has occasional dizzy spells the September 11th incident that centered around NY! I always liked NY although it is a rather expensive place to visit!. Just think, those terrorist sacrificed their own lives to try to destroy our Country! --- As far as the Organ Club is concerned----  they need to know that not everyone here is O I WISH IZ BORN IN DIXIE---HOORAH- HORRASH  HOW ABOUT EAST SIDE WEST SIDE-----THE SIDEWALKS OF NEW YORK AND SOME KOSHER RICE-A RONI-- THE SANFRANCISCO TREAT??!!!!!!!

TOMMY LETTERS 3

Time once again to receive another email from my bestest pen pal, Roswell's own Tommy (The Tard) Ford.

HEY LARRY! AS I SAID ON THE RADIO, THE ATLANTA CHAPTER OF THE AMERICAN THEATRE ORGAN SOCIETY CAN HAVE A DRINK OF MURIATIC ACID FOR BREAKFAST, AND SMOKED DUCK TAPE FOR LUNCH---I HAVE A PIPE ORGAN TO BUILD!!!!!----YOUR FRIEND, TOMMY IN ROSWELL, GEORGIA ( NOT, NEW MEXICO!) NOTE: THE RED HEADED LADY (TRISH) AND THE GAS CHAMBER LADY ACROSS THE STREET WERE A LOT NICER TO ME THAN THE"ORGAN CLUB".WAHTTYA THINK OF THAT?--TOMMY!

VICKTITIOUS

On behalf of all my colleagues in the .....goddamn fucking allergies....can't finish sentence.....hold on....

(spray...sniff...drip...swallow....spray again)

OK, better. I now have at least 30% vision in both eyes. Allergies really do give me a vagina.

As I was saying, I'd like to take the high road since none of my colleagues in the commentary business will, and apologize to Mike Vick for assuming he tried to smuggle marijuana in a water bottle onto a plane a couple months ago (HOW 1/19/07)

Vick, clearly under stress as evidenced by his red, heavy-lidded eyes and breath that smelled like doo-doo, told reporters that it wasn't pot in that water bottle. It was jewelry. And in my haste to be clever and topical, I overlooked how often jewelry and pot are confused for one another. Sorry.

It was Jamaican hemp jewelry sold by Cubans in popular tourist areas of Miami. Here's a beautiful earring he bought for his mother:

In light of all this evidence and explanation don't you feel bad now? Yeah, me too.

GET OUTTA HERE, YOU'RE KILLING US!

So much confusion swirling in my head. I come back to town and things are not right. Let's empty it all out on a clean sheet of virtual paper and see if we cannot make some sense of it.

I was mildly surprised over the weekend to see that in the AJC's business section, they had a glowing profile of the brothel in Gwinnett belonging to Lisa Ann Taylor, aka Melissa Wolf, aka The Prostitute at Sugar Loaf.

"...the master bedroom has red —- lipstick red —- walls. The spacious suite is on the main level and, accented with rich fabrics and Asian motifs, casts a sensuous mood.

"This," said Lisa sardonically as she strolled into the suite, "is the infamous bedroom."

Silk, velvet and brocade pillows are piled high on the bed next to a faux mink throw. And a gracefully curving chaise slopes invitingly before the suite's fireplace, one of four in the house."

Obviously, this room was not designed for prostitution at all.

The rest of the article lovingly describes what is a very splendid home for a hard-working woman trying to please men but finds herself charged with violating RICO statutes. I tend to believe she's guilty of nothing more serious than lowering her neighborhood's property values and raising their divorce rate, but still....

Contrast that with when Yours Jewly took one for the team a few months back. Do you recall seeing this in the AJC?

The disgraced radio host's kitchen has beautiful, seamless granite countertops with a raised eat-in kitchen bar on the island. Wachs' floors are hardwoods all the way back to the spacious and sunny family room wired for surround sound and with a stone gas fireplace, leading out to a charming porch with chairs for a smoke and a sip on a late Friday evening as you wonder what the hell is going on?

No you didn't read that. Because they didn't do any such profile of me. Sucks. What next? A tour of Heather the Hottie Bank Robber's vacation home in Destin?

Melissa Wolf has some great PR skills buried underneath her other two-letter anagram skills, I will grudgingly admit. Even her reviews on The Erotic Review, the consumer reports of prostitution, are uniformly glowing. This from a gentleman named MuffMaster69:

"....After a very sloppy (and the good kind of sloppy) **** I returned the favor by feasting on her beautiful ****...Man, it like eating honey! She must've **** 3 times!!!!!!!!"

Very nice, but wouldn't it be a little safer for society and children if Whole Foods sold honey that was flavored like the vagina of a 42-year old stripper who's been with over 300 men, women, and objects in the past month? Less stigma. Higher property values.

I hope they ran the piece to help her sell the place faster and at a better price. I can get behind that. I think the Gwinnett DA is really going over the top on this one, although it does distract him from shutting down more Mexican grow houses.

But she needs to sell that house and get out of that neighborhood. She got a little too wild for the room. In theory, the idea of having a brothel in your subdivision has immense appeal. But after thinking it over with some soap and a washcloth in my shower, I've decided that in practicality, It's better to have a golf course. She's gotta sell it.

You should hire a decorator to fancy up an abandoned warehouse along Route 29 in Lawrenceville and you'll have all the business you can handle in a neighborhood where no one cares, honey biscuit.

Also singeing my nerves these days is the research project I've undertaken to find a new car for my beautiful wife as the lease is almost up on her current buggy. Great timing, lease.

I do like leasing, though. You get a new car for an affordable price every 3 years. No one really wants a car older than that.

It's hard enough buying a car as a man, for yourself. But getting a car for a woman is triply painful.

"Honey, look at this. Consumer Reports loves it. JD Power is glowing. It's got passing speed, cargo room and great safety features, plus Sirius, sunroof, navigation, third row seating, and it's $200 less per month than the older car your driving now."

"Does it have a pedicure protector on the gas pedal?"

"Uh...no."

"I don't want that car."

Now I'm getting a barrage of calls and email from car dealers well into 8:30 at night when I'm trying to watch American Idol while I clean my gun.

Here's my favorite call of today:

"Hi, this is Sandy from James Lofton Hummer in Lithonia. How are you today, Mr......Wash..is?"

"Wachs."

"Walks?"

"Wachs."

"Wolchez?"

"Wachs!"

"Way-chiz?"

"Wachs!"

"Woks?"

"OK, fine."

"Well, that's good. Mr...Walsh, the reason I'm calling is....."

Wait, lemme guess. You're calling to sell me a car?

"...that the 2007 Acura Labia w/Premium package and Alloy Wheels is still available."

What a surprise!

"I'm not interested in that car anymore. But thank you."

"Oh, what models are you looking at, do you mind me asking?"

It's really not her concern now, is it?

Oh, there is a way to turn around a "no," but this friendly chit-chat is not it.

Had she said, "Look, come in. I'll give you a nice massage in the conference room and then you can have the car for $120 a month," I would have changed my mind and bought it. Doesn't make the car any safer or less of a rapidly depreciating piece of junk, but I'm not driving it, so what do I care?

Hang up, sharp knees. You lost the sale. There'll be others. Just not now.

The Braves are looking weak to me, but they have world class PR people on the payroll, and great spin will put people in the seats despite the giant holes in the roster that the Mets, Marlin, or Phils will gallop through around July. Contributing to the problems: injury prone players, outfielders trying out for 2nd base, counting on Mike Hampton. Even "Salty," lasts year's spring phenom has been outrighted to another year at Double A.

Now Chipper has an ankle sprain. This after switching to bigger shoes to alleviate his foot problems, and telling the media how he didn't work out at all in the offseason.

Jeff Schultz of the AJC interviewed him March 5th.

"Last year I worked out three hours a day and I still played 110 games," Jones said. "I worked so hard on my core last offseason, and what happens? I get two oblique injuries.

"I was drinking a lot of whey shakes, eating a lot of protein bars, a lot of oatmeal, a lot of yogurt, a lot of eggs whites."

And now?

"And now, I still have a lot of egg whites, but with the yolks," he said. "Candy bars have taken the place of the protein bars. Instead of the whey shakes, I get those cookies-and-cream milkshakes from Chick-fil-A."

Oh yummy! What a delicious way to say, "I'm 35, I've got enough money. I don't give a shit anymore, so quit hassling me you left-wing sissy sportswriter who's probably an anemic putz and got teased and lived in a plastic bubble when he was 9." And that's fine. He's earned it. I probably would, too, if I could.

But for dignity and PR sake, couldn't Chipper just switch to a better trainer or regimen instead of flaunting the fact that he's made a choice to be the new John Kruk? You're not John Kruk. People liked him for his Regularguyishness^TM, not his belly. Do you think America would've have embraced Gary Cooper if he had manboobs? Fat and stoic is no way to go through life, son.

"It's only a mild sprain," chirp the beat writers, as if this is a fluke for Chipper and he won't ever get hurt the entire season. As if he won't sprain his thumb eating a ham biscuit or something by the time May rolls around. Boy, these guys really know the drill.

All I'm saying is, don't expect anything more than a mild improvement over last year's Braves team. The bullpen is vastly improved, but you have to have a bunch of starters who can hand them a lead, and I may be wrong, but perhaps the memory of Ryan Howard hitting 3 of Tim Hudson's best pitches out of the park in one game still is fresh.

I think most fans understand that the sale of the team is affecting operations significantly so you get what you get and have less margin for error than other clubs. When your personnel can't get it done, you need to marshall all your PR resources to make it entertaining and dramatic for the 6 long, hot months ahead. I hope they do well. I hope they surprise. Just do it at the expense of somebody else's radio career this time, please? Drain resources from the Cowboy Bob show why don't you? Thanks.

No doubt the club has made the town a better, more prideful place in the last decade, so they deserve some patience while the lawyers and accountants do their thing for a couple of years. I leave you with this quote from a motorist placard at the 316/85 interchange construction project:

"Let 'em work. Let 'em live. Slow down." Amen.

And amen to my good pal, the Kimmer, who chose to exercise his FU money option and retire from the game of radio after a couple of great centuries. Semper Fi, big buddy. Where's that job you turned down? I know someone who'd be great for it. You're killing me!

THE TOMMY LETTERS

Here are the latest emails from my bestest pen pal, Tommy the Tard:

Subject: Larry, its too bad people were invented sometmes!

EXPLANATION!!!!!!!!!  larry,  I am entering a contest for organists (young-18-24) and "adult" age 25  and up!. Bob acker in Allen Texas is the chairman. i have burned several CD's for the contest, but BoB explained that I have to have a Chapter member to sponsor me! They kicked my fucking ass out of the AtlantA chapter because I drank a cold beer at the Callandwolde Fine Arts Center on Briarcliff Road near "HEY WERE IN DECATUR its toyota time!  the last car I drove was a 70 mercedes never drove again! So Larry reccomended that I call another Larry to get sponsored by someone right here in the CITY OF ROSWELL to sponsor me.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT??????????????????TOMMY! 

LARRY!!!!!!!!! WE WONT TALK ABOUT THE "CIRCULAR POWER SAW "ACCIDENT" DOWNTOWN, BUT I THINK YOU NEED TO GO TO THE CALLANWOLD FINE ARTS CENTER ON BRIARCLIFF ROAD IN DECATUR AND MAKE SURE THAT THE COCA- COLA COMPANY PUTS IN AN OLD FASHIONED COKE MACHINE THAT----------WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOMMY!!

NAILED

Reader Tim B writes with this update:

You were right Larry....

Cobb police announced on Thursday night the arrest of two young women in a Tuesday bank holdup, and revealed a twist in their investigation: The alleged robbers are 19 and were working in cahoots with the bank teller.

The teller has also been arrested, along with a fourth person. Police did not immediately say how the fourth person was connected.

Thanks, Tim.  And thanks in advance, Cobb County, for the reward money. I humbly accept. 

But wait there's more!

According to 11Alive.com:

...the two women, who [were identified] as Ashley Miller and Heather Johnson, and 22-year-old bank teller Benny Herman Allen the Third were stopped earlier today by police about 20 miles from where Tuesday's robbery occurred.

Damn! I even guessed one of their names correctly. I better stop before I get arrested myself. G'night!

OPEN MINDS

The AJC has a bog up asking people what the fate of the Heather Bandits should be if they are caught.

What do you think should happen to the two smiling young women who allegedly held up a Bank of America branch in Acworth earlier this week?

Allegedly?  You mean the bank may not have been robbed? And not by those two in the picture? Then why are we discussing what should happen to them? What are they teaching at J School these days? The myth of the bulletproof word "allegedly" strikes again. The journalistic equivalent of anti-bacterial soap.

The implication is clear and thankfully not lost on the bulk of the 200+ puzzled commenters below the question. The AJC editors believe that perhaps smiling, hotness, whiteness(!), cuteness, and chicness, are all mitigating factors in a felony case.

I'd like to ask the AJC what they really think without the passive cover of a slyly worded, anonymously attributed question on a blog? Do they really think these girls should be treated differently than any other bank robber? Georgia case law seems to think that about 20 years should do the trick, but admittedly, I didn't thoroughly research the case law as it pertains to teen hotties.

You're the professional opinion makers. Any one of you people from the editorial staff will do. I'll send you a Regular Guys T-shirt. Just email me a statement that I can publish and 100% cotton delight will be headed your way. Cynthia Tucker? Admit it. You'd look great in this.

While I'm thinking about it. What should happen to Brian Nichols? To some, he's hot. I'll bet he gets a lot of fan mail in prison from Kelly Brown. Tall, handsome, walks now with Jesus. Quite a catch. Isn't it racist not to have such a blog to discuss?

LIKE, THIS IS A ROBBERY, YOU KNOW?

I, too, am in search of the Heather Bandits, as I've named them. The teen girls who robbed a bank in Cobb the other day. Local Media calls them Barbie Bandits. Really? So girls age 15-24 play with Barbies these days? Good call.*

They are young, hot, stupid, willing to do naughty things and now have a lot of money. I don't want to turn them in. Just meet them a little. This is the biggest news in Atlanta since I got fired and Wilbanks was found. I wonder if they have big bulgy eyes, too?

My hunch is they're laughing because it's an inside job. A friend may be their teller. They are laughing at how easy the whole thing is and the riches all three will reap, or blowjobs they will give/receive if the teller is a male. You can't see it too well, but they are also doing spirit fingers, so the teller may be on a cheerleading squad with them. I would cross reference if I knew how to hack into databases. And I wouldn't be surprised if they've entered some of SS Steve's bathing suit pageants. Again, I don't have access to the databases.

"FYI. We hav a gun. GIV us $10,000 dollars & n 1 gitz hurt. l8r. EOD." Said their note.

I also want to make a film of this before Quentin Tarantino does. Here's my idea. The teen girls rob a big bank, not a grocery store bank. A real one with vaults and vacuum tubes. Then the pasty, brilliant school outcast, who is very misunderstood and listens to Wilco, recognizes them and blackmails them into having sex with him if he doesn't tell.

Then the girls secretly record their sex with the Misunderstood Teen, and let it fall into the hands of a football player who puts it on the internet. The girls are found on a bus to Albuquerque, heads shaved, claiming they were raped by MT, and everyone gets thrown in jail, except the girls, who maintain their victim status and agree to have sex with every journalist and producer they meet and they get on Oprah, and cry about how they are victims of a pressure packed society and their Daddy was mean because he said no to their reasonable requests for liquor parties in the house. This rockets their fame to a new level. They become guest judges on American Idol, get a reality series that puts them in hilarious fish out of water situations like church attendance and working in a hospice, ultimately marry each member of Fall Out Boy, and they strip for The House of Wachs radio show, and eventually die mysteriously at age 39, leaving all their wealth to their attorney who was the pasty, brilliant outcast in high school.

Welp, off to the Kroger to get some cheap financing. See ya at Sundance, Butches!

*Whoa! Maybe they do.

PROCESSED ROOTS

What happens to this town after I get removed from the airwaves? This story tells it all.

Report: Atlanta "quality of life" near bottom

Georgia capital ranks 64th out of 72 major U.S. cities

I am sad for you people. I'm going to eat carbohydrates now to comfort myself.

Speaking of shock jocks, what does Al Sharpton want now? How is showing everyone that a dead cracker's ancestor may have owned your ancestors going to result in some sort of profit? Where's he going with this? I'm trying to figure out the game this time.

"I can't find out anything more shocking than I've already learned," Sharpton told the Daily News, which reported the link Sunday based on genealogists' findings.

Well, no, Al. I'd pay money to see your face when someone trots out a chart that says the Sharpton family owned Strom Thurmond's family. Now, that would be something.

I think that black people do own white people now, in a way. They've heaped so much allegation and scorn on whites and their thought crimes over the years, that white people are just so worn down by the criticism. They're terrified. White people have come to accept that there is something inherently wrong with their way of life. So Sharpton is just trying to acquire more properties for the cosmic game of Ethnic Monopoly he plays with his leaderpals.

"Damn Al Sharpton, you landed on "Strom Thurmond's Family." I wanted to buy that property."

"Jesse, shut the fuck up and pass me a hotel."

"Let's trade. Give me Strom Thurmond and I'll give you Michael Richards and the Duke Lacrosse Team."

"Hell no, turkey!"

Professional genealogists, who work for Ancestry.com, found that Sharpton's great-grandfather Coleman Sharpton was a slave owned by Julia Thurmond, whose grandfather was Strom Thurmond's great-great-grandfather.

Well, it just so happens. How about that? Isn't that a coincidence? Hey, as long as he's paying the pros, can't they put something together that says he was owned by Anna Nicole Smith's family? That would actually be lucrative.

BROKEN NEWS

According to this unbiased Associated Press story,

White Atlanta suburbs push for secession

White people here in North Fulton Co. want to secede from Fulton Co. because we don't like people with dark skin tone?

Oh. OK.

So why is it that black people want these white racists to stay so much? Shouldn't you secede from N. Fulton? Show everyone how independent you are and all?

Vincent Fort, the Warden of the 39th District of Fulton County, a permanent leper/penal colony in North Georgia, had this to say.

"If it gets to the floor, there will be blood on the walls."

Vincent's constituency is made up almost entirely of people who have a local monopoly on being broke, stupid, and guilty. When you live in the "City Too Busy to Hate^TM," but you're never busy, guess what you're gonna start doing? Right.

You guys denigrate the whites in N. Fulton, yet you want them. North Fulton is not a money farm for sharecropping and we tolerated Whitney and Bobby for more time than the Bible recommends. How many more generations do you need to get your act together?

"If you take that money out of their coffers, human services will suffer greatly," said J. Allen Milner, a black man who runs a homeless mission and is pastor of the Chapel of Christian Love Church.

Well, I can respect a thief who at least looks me in the eye when he's jacking me. What money was that Pastor Milner? The white money from the white suburbs where the white people live who put holes in all the condoms?

But give us a break, media. Can't you beat up on the white people in Fayette and Henry Counties who abandoned Clayton Co? That place has been nothing but a rapper's delight ever since. Yeah, go hassle Fayette and Henry, the old white couple down the street.  Why not hassle Clayton Co. too for stealing all the black people from Fulton Co. who have jobs and take responsibility for themselves?

Decide what you want to do. Hate us or take our money. Vincent Fort is right. My suburbs are too white for my guilt. I'm going to sell my house to Brian Nichols' family. At cost. I quit this bitch.

MELISSA WORTH

NEXT WEEK ON....DULUTH!

IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

I may be off the radio, but that is just such a small part of my influence in this town, that the noise of Wachs is still being heard unabated by all efforts to silence.

BEHOLD!

This ridiculous DOT sign that I pointed out to you a couple of days ago in front of Atl. Athletic Club facing southbound motorists on GA141:

Has been changed to simply..."NO U-TURN AHEAD."

The INS must have raided the crew after getting wind of that earleir sentence structure. Hey, amigo! Why not just send up a flare that bursts into the sparkly letters of "ARREST ME" next time?

The new sign guy left this one up, though:

It's soothing to know that when the DOT seeks to upgrade their personnel these days, they turn to your average American public school numbskull and it's amazing how today's immigration patterns have made our domestic mediocrities seem highbrow.

Nonetheless, the sign was changed immediately after your #1 Hebrew Milkman exposed it to the world thereby notching another in what will soon prove to be the beginning of a string of victories in 2007 for decency and for Wachs.

Oh, and while I'm besotted with my re-ignited media power, let me just remind many of you out there that, from here on out, anyone using the song "The Final Countdown" by synth-metal poodle 80s band Europe, as a hip comic reference...Knock it off. That free laugh coupon has expired. That also goes for anyone who says "Good times!" "not so much" and "threw up a little in my mouth." No more. People fear me. Stop it. I can make you disappear.

You can laugh if you want at the shabby-looking array of candles we selected for the Hanukkah Closing Ceremonies tonight at our home, but you'd be laughing at a genuine miracle, my most likely uncircumsized, pork-eating friend.

We ran out of candles and had to scrounge around the house for old candles so we could wrap up Hanukkah for another 10-13 months. Hence the bent one that we had to weld with a match to get it at an angle where the insurance adjuster could ethically pay our claim, and the Earl Anthony Shamesh riiiigght down the middle, Chris! Just like in the old country, our 6-day house supply of fuel for irrelevant energy lasted us 8. Thank you, Jesus...uh...I mean...the other one.

It's a miiiiracle! (miiiiracle!)

A true blue spec-ta-cle the miiiracle is YOU! (whoo!)

"It's a Miracle" by Manilow...It's the new "Final Countdown."

BRAND CANCER

Happy Hannukah and welcome home Holocaust Deniers! How was the convention in Iran? Get any autographs from Prussian Blue? How was your hotel?

Oh! Top notch!

Another year has passed and the head rabbis have once again ignored my emailed suggestions to help boost the sagging popularity of Hanukkah, a holiday that is kept afloat only by because there are a lot of guilty Christians out there. It's tough to survive, perennially scheduling Hanukkah between Thanksgiving and the Grandaddy of All Holidays, and starting it on a different date every year. Ya gotta move this thing back to August, man. It's in the way.

I can understand the desire of the top Jews everywhere to adhere to the calendar that says it's the year 5767. It's a vital part of the "Ignore Jesus" strategy which is the core of all Judiasm. And I understand, intellectually, that the advent of the wheel, fire, and upright pedestrianism puts humans closer to the 7th millenium than the the 3rd. 

However, Jesus deserves credit for for clearing up a lot of the divisive controversies of his era, such as, "should I have sex with my dog?" and generally helping mankind to start getting it's act together. So give him his due, and quit stepping awkwardly in the Christmas spotlight.

August is virgin territory for gift-giving holidays and I would suggest moving it back there starting in 2007 or 08 before the presidential conventions get rolling. November and December are just booked solid. The message is not getting out. I know all about the Maccabis being hassled by the man, and the drop of oil lasting 8 miraculous days and all that, but there's no reason to be believe this cherished miracle didn't happen in August of that crazy year.

Re-brand Hanukkah as a sizzlin' summer holiday with a funky candle show and friends on the beach for eight consecutive nights of Hanukkah hoedown. You got your best girl, finger-bangin' under a blanket, while a friend with an acoustic guitar leads the gang in Rock of Ages. Alllllriiiight.

The sidewalks are hot enough to fry a potato pancake, the girls are playing volleyball in their bikinis and we've got a cooler filled with Brewed in an Ice Cold Mountain Somewhere, Coors Light...it's Hanukkah, baby!

Also, stop insisting that holidays start at dusk. It's too confusing.

I'm not just a talker, I'm a doer, recently nabbing a part time job at Menorah Factory Outlet, and...thank you....and I've boosted sales by 12% through my clever promotions, such as booking local celebs for in-store menorah lightings. We've had Dominique Wilkins, Usher, and Jeff Dauler of The Bert Show this year. After Hanukkah is finished, it's balls to the wall to prepare for our Annual Purim Noisemaker Blow-Out Sale with up to 70% off the top names in graggers.

Really, let's get with it, Judaical braintrust. Let's make a committment to acclimate ourselves fully in this new and strange land called America.

Speaking of questionable brand loyalties,  I'm watching the coveted Jim Mora's ex-team, the Falcons, enjoy another rudderless, undisciplined ass-whipping at the hands of Dallas. It's a tough chore to out-alienate the team that owns Terrell Carcinowens, but Junior gone and done it by telling his Seattle friends on the radio that he would abandon the Dirty Birds even as Morten Andersen was swinging his left leg into the Super Bowl winning field goal if it meant a dream job with Washington Huskies football. He said he was just joking..all three times he mentioned the idea.

"Wow," said the Seattle radio host. He was obviously laughing on the inside.

What compels people with top dollar jobs under much public scrutiny, to blurt out their business and resentments without filter or regard and to the benefit of absolutely no one? Did it feel good for, what? 20 seconds? What do you think the Washington Huskies football team will give you first? A job or a restraining order?

The game is now ending, almost poetically, with Vick's "groin" preventing him from finishing the game and another chance to "be Mick Vick," as that elitist pussy with the girl voice, Bryant Gumbel, so originally puts it. Well, I beg to differ. I think Mike Vick was being exactly like Mick Vick tonight. Another chapter in the how-to guide on being a physically blessed, but IQ-challenged QB in the NFL. And saying a groin problem is keeping Mike Vick out of a game is like saying a Democrat senator has a brain problem that keeps him from being effective. Get yer ass out there and stop being such a museum piece!

As predicted here and on the airwaves owned solely by the public back in August, the Falcons are closing in on a 7-9 season, and as beseeched here a year ago, to much hootery and derision, Jim Moron, will likely be shown the exit. Even Michael Richards phoned him and called him a dumb n******.

I felt kind of sorry for Mr. Mora out there at the end. Standing on the sidelines, down 10 with 2 minutes left. Camera in for the dramatic closeup. Playoff hopes gashed. Painful lesson learned. Pretending that he was not thinking about anything but winning this hopeless mess of a football game with players who aren't sure he's on their team.  Not thinking about selling the house in Sugarloaf. Not thinking about who would hire a coach who creepily stated he was stalking an entire college. Not thinking about how he was gonna get out of this mess what with the radio jock-u-larity coupled with the whimpering loss the next day....oy! Vat vill Artie say? I've ruined his Hanukkah!

I'm not insensitive. It does suck what he must be going through. I know how it feels to be suddenly thrust in the world of male homemakers when it's not your fault and you're not ready to be unproductive. But nobody died and maybe he'll get a job coaching UW Intramural Powder Puff Football. That would be the best of both worlds.

As a newly-minted homemaker myself, part of my job is to see to it that we have a steady supply of Flintstones ^TM Vitamins (w/ iron) in the home. Why Flintstones^TM  Vitamins (w/ iron)? Why it's the vitamin recommended by our family doctor to keep the gals in the household fit and lively! What kind of doctor recommends Flintstones^TM  Vitamins by name? The kind you get when paying for your own health insurance. Sigh! I bought the Publix house brand called "Public Domain Animal Shapes" for two bucks less per bottle because it's the same damn thing and they don't give kickbacks to money-grubbing doctors.  It ain't worth two more bucks to eat Fred Flinstone. Betty Rubble Vitamins on the other hand....

Another part of my job as homemaker is cooking nutritious meals for my family. Look! Tonight we're having a roast turkey breast that looks like Courtney Love's vagina. ^TM

"Give me some money, bitch!"

"Oh daddy, you're so funny when you use our dinner to make those crude sexual assault jokes," squeals my youngest. Everyone nods in agreement. This is gonna be the best Hanukkah ever!

TIP OF THE MIND

So Hillary Clinton is running for president. Never saw that coming. She's not going to win, anyway. I know 3 NYers who voted for her as senator, but say they don't want her as president. Chuckle if you care to, but three real people is more than most political reporters talk to in a year.

It's amazing that she gets any votes given that her voice and speech patterns would mark her as an outcast in the real world. I guess if you believe that one should keep their enemies closer than their friends, NYers did the right thing by electing her senator twice. Keep her busy for a few years where you can see her. Let her win a few hands at pinochle, and then drop her in the river when the order is given.

America isn't ready for a hot female president much less a shrill old hump who makes Margeret Thatcher look like the chick who does the Toyota Mall of Georgia ads.

There will be a time for a female president, but Americans aren't just ready yet to destroy everything that's right in America by giving over the presidency to people who behave like hairdressers. It will be close between the Muslims and women as to who gets the presidency first, but I'm going to have to say women will win this race. Of course, that will lead directly to our first Muslim cleric as president. Hopefully, I will have died by then.

Will someone at Wachovia please get some damn deposit envelopes to the ATM machines! I went to 3 Wachovias before finding one lousy envelope to stick my meager deposit in so that my baby can have a nice Hanumas this year. I want an email explaining why this practice has to occur. I know you're reading this in between fucking people over. I'll bet the first person I hear from will be some lady who's thinking about everything but making the customer happy.

Can't you hire some jackass to drive around each Sunday to make sure all the ATMs have deposit envelopes handy? Hell I'll do it if you waive all my service charges and overdrafts for life. Can I use another sort of envelope of the same size? Until I get some answers, I'll just have to rely on the 20 extra envelopes I took at the 3rd stop.

The outrage industry continues to churn at a pace just behind the rest of the nation's economy. In Arizona, Racist Cop is opening a franchise in Tempe.

Ariz. cop had black men rap away ticket

Sat Dec 2, 7:07 AM ET

TEMPE, Ariz. - City leaders have apologized after a program on Tempe's cable channel showed a white police officer telling two black men they could get out of a littering ticket by performing a rap.

Tempe Mayor Hugh Hallman and Police Chief Tom Ryff apologized for the show Thursday and suspended its future production after black community leaders voiced outrage and disappointment.

Yeah, they expected a good beat down. Not that much money in suing cops who start impromptu minstrel shows.

"I accept responsibility for the actions of my staff and apologize to any members of our community who have been offended," Ryff said during a news conference Friday.

This never happens in Reno.

The segment appeared on "Tempe StreetBeat," a program produced by police in the Phoenix suburb that followed several officers on patrol. It shows Sgt. Chuck Schoville pulling over two men in August in a mall parking lot.

He first asks for a name and ID from the driver and then asks the two men if they know how much the fine is for littering.

The officer then tells the men that they can avoid getting a littering ticket "if the two of you just do a little rap about — what do you want to do a rap about? Littering? About the dangers of littering."

The two men agree, and each performs a short rap, laughing afterward.

Leaders of chapters of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People and the National Action Network expressed outrage and demanded that the city act.

Right. Better the cop should just ticket them for littering and use it as a flimsy pretext to search the car for guns, drugs, and planted guns and drugs, and then beat them with a shovel until they slip quietly off to jail for a couple of nights. Making them rap and letting them go. What was this cop thinking?

Furthermore, given what happened here in the ATL last week, what with the gun-toting granny in one of the worst drug neighborhoods in America getting killed after shooting some cops on a warrant, and in NY, where some cops shot a some thugs 50 times, and the ensuing knee jerk for police head on a serving dish, perhaps we should rope off the zip codes of high police animosity and withhold all legal assistance until they work it out themselves. Let these communities that are quick to disparage the police draw up their own laws and enforcement. They've already done most of the work, anyway. Announce a date, and build a wall around them. No one leaves, and no one enters until they figure it out or kill each other.

All I know is they tried it on "The Wire," and it worked. Chuckle if you must, but watching a fictional show about inner city crime is more than some journalists do all year.