House of Wachs

HAIR-SPLITTING ABOUT GRAVE-SPITTING

Recently, a friend uttered the following cliches to me:
"This thing isn't a mosque and it's not AT Ground Zero. What happened to tolerance and religious freedom? And why does the media make it seem like 99% of people are against the mosque? What am I missing?"

Oh, just plenty.

At the risk of being perceived as arrogant, bigoted, out of touch, fringe, and condescending...too late. Here's my response:

Actually, the media is trying to make it look like 99% of Americans are FOR the mosque and a tiny sliver of bigoted conservative people are against it. They are only off by about 120 percentage points as 2/3 of Americans are against this.

Religious freedom is a red herring issue. If it's not a big deal, than the people behind the mosque should have no problem moving their plans, brutal or peaceful, elsewhere for a different day. After all, sensitivity toward others is a two way street. Why can't the Greek Orthodox church down the street that wants to rebuild get a permit to do so? Religious freedom and all blah, blah.

Not all Muslims are Islamic fanatics, but all Islamic fanatics are Muslim putting most Americans in the realm of reasonable and rational skepticism since it was an all-Muslim cast bringing down the towers 9 years ago. They are suspect. Not us.

Having said that, I will answer the religious freedom canard on it's face. No, I don't believe in religious freedom for people who have killed 3000 innocent Americans and openly and explicitly lust for more on YouTube, and, no, I don't have any tolerance for a totalitarian ideology cloaked in religious garb that shows nothing but intolerance in return for our reluctant mercy. And chew on this. Does it not occur to apologists for these people that Rauf and his travelers in the Muslim Brotherhood are the face of right wing extremism? RIGHT WING. I'm a righty American, and even I can see that.

Left-wingers for decades have always been panicked at the dystopia that would occur if Christian Republicans got power foisting a theocracy on the nation that brutalizes Jews, women, and homosexuals. That didn't happen despite a GOP majority running the congress and presidency for most of the past decade. Well, now these same people are rolling out the red carpet for people who have explicitly promised to do just what the left has feared all along. Explain THAT.

 

DANCING WITH THE FATES

I find it sad that they didn't really care to factor in Buzz Aldrin's age (80) in yesterday's judging on DWTS. They gave him 4s.

"I remember sitting at home in London watching you on the Moon," Judge Len Goodman said. "Unfortunately, I can't give marks for bravery."

Then why the hell did they invite him on? Because they really thought an 80 year old man could go hoof to hoof with one of the Pussycat Dolls and her meat puppet?  Jesus, Len! Got much colony envy? Now the British want reparations. Where is the end, man?

Big effyou to ABC for mocking this great pioneering patriot. Why not just lure him to the top of a flight of stairs and push him down? Big ratings. "Pushing Old Celebrities Down the Steps." Why not?

Buncha neon assdildos. You'll get old too, fuckers, and I hope your beloved Obama's single payer euthanasia mill gets into high claim denial mode just as you need that ass cancer drug to save your creepy, ungraceful lives.

The good news is that Shannen Doherty couldn't beat Buzz Aldrin in a dancing competition. Ha-ha, fugly. Get your eyes fixed. They're still uneven.

The TV news coverage of the W.Va. mining disaster 2010 is pointless and uniformative. CNN, FOX, MSNBC...it doesn't matter. There's only so much a pretty blonde with nice legs and a neatly coiffed honey hole can credibly tell me about mining.

The one thing that stands out to me about the mining explosion in W.Va. is in this quote from the story out of the Wall St. Journal:

"Massey...notified the Mine Safety and Health Administration...at 3:30 pm of a mine explosion..."

I couldn't help but thinking, "There's a gov't app for that?"

We're pretty deep into the government mine here ourselves, dontcha think, when this agency exists despite the fact that it seems they are not doing the job we pay them to do, which is to make mines safe and healthy, which they aren't, and can't be. Who cares if a mine is healthy, anyway? There is no government agency for Facebook safety (yet), but we've had fewer deaths this year on Facebook than in the mines.

We live in very clear and confusing times. On one hand, we seem to have 2 government agencies for every real or perceived risk or offense known to man. On the other hand, the iPad, a product of free thinking, is selling like government programs!

Apple seems to have an app for everything, too, but Apple's apps are a googol (sorry, no offense) times more fun. And some are truly FREE! The bad ones are repealed by the obnoxious consumer reviews, and everyone of every color and belief system gets a hack at making it big in the app world if they so choose.

Maybe a lot of people think the iPad IS from the government. There are those morons out there who will defend the wisdom of all government programs by pointing to our roads (which aren't so pleasurable to ride on and hard to use at many points in the day), our schools (a day orphanage for poor and unloved children) and Tang breakfast drink (which I imagine is quite tasty up in space where the only other choice is the toilet bowl for hydration), and of course, the river card--flip it---"well, who do you think invented the internet?"

I know. Thaaaaa government. More accurately, the military, which is an important point since in the days of the DARPAnet, as it was known, the military was separate from most government functions because, unlike most government functions, it was a legitimate function of the government.

Even the military didn't know what to do with it except having it's scientists share info on how to kill people better. It took regular people with specialized knowledge to give us the PC to access this government invented wonder, and only then did it become a thriving bazaar where one can get anything without budging his enlarged prostate.

I don't know which side is winning.

REALIGNSKY

I have not seen any national polling data on impeachment of Obama. Has there been any?  And if not, then why not? A good short term strategy would be to trap the government-approved news humps on TV into putting the word on their lips everyday whether they like it or not. How? Polls. They love 'em.

I'm not a Constitutional scholar nor an attorney, but merely a humble thinker of great thoughts, and I do know for a fact that all presidents, Marxist or genuine, take an oath to protect our Constitutional liberties, although Obama's two gaffe-filled stabs at it in January 2009 were sort of an omen of abrogations to come, looking back on it.

We have enough on our collective plates currently trying to push back the government takeover of our bodies (exempting, of course, female government workers whose unionized wombs will be the only organs in the US officially granted "choice" thanks to an insurance "carve out" which is a pretty unfortunate use of the term in context), so impeachment is a faint noise in the distance.

We must continue, as we have since last summer, to set the terms of the argument by effectively getting the idea of impeachment in the public's mind. We need to reaffirm to ourselves and our enemies that abridging our founding document has heavy consequences for those who go against it, and the ability to pick the NCAA brackets in the office today after a nice lunch of green beer pints and wings served by big-breasteded waitresses at the Tilted Kilt flows directly from those documents.

One effective way to further arouse an already aroused populace to the issue would be to poll impeachment's popularity everyday starting yesterday. It could have 25% popularity right now for all we know, but my feeling is that with constant polling on the question it could become a meme that grows in popularity as it's repeated.

Further, I would implore my fellow Atlantans to refer to the numerous streets named after the local fruit thusly:

UNINFORMED LOSER: "Can you tell me where the free money office is?"

YOU: "Yeah, that's on Impeachtree Street."

Memes are what got us into this mess. Let's start memeing back. Rasmussen? Gallup? Freedomworks? TPPatriots?  Yes? OK. Good. Let's do this.

WE STILL OWN THAT DOME!

Thank you to the folks at something called Secular Stupidest where they sell a fine line of witty conservative and anti-big government stickers.

I opened my email bucket today to discover that they enjoyed my Tea Party speech enough last week to make a sweet video production of my stint. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It was a little pitchy in parts, but I think I have a shot of becoming the next American Idol for at least the Warholian interval for which we are all entitled according to our Constitution and the Talmud.

Here it is, the Red, the Wachs,and the Blue:

HOT CURLER

Friday night I watched the entire women's Olympic curling final. Before you form the word "loser" on your tongue, consider:

This is the captain of the Canadian team, Cheryl Bernard. Low to the ground, mouth open. That's why I like the women's curling. In HD her arched eyebrows, blue eyes, and curling broom made her look like a really athletic, sexy witch.

That was Friday night.

Saturday was another Tea Party appearance to celebrate the one year mark of the thing. I spoke. It went well. The crowd was small, but these events are just there to let people know the flame is still burning, and the November and beyond reclaiming of a somewhat constitutional government is still Job 1. I just wish the speakers would exercise some self-government and get off the stage after 5 minutes. And make sure they have something vibrant to say.

I say this because I was scheduled 7th or something and the first guy out of the box read something like 20 pages of eloquent constitutional thought, which is nice but incredibly dull. The point here is to fire up ordinary citizens with inspirational and witty remarks on the current state of things. Not audition for the next CPAC.

I like Tommy J, and Benny Frank, and all those rednecks who founded our country, but when it's 52 degrees with a windchill of 41, and I'm yay close to doing the unthinkable and borrowing Herman from Dunwoody's New England Patriots pullover as if he's the captain of the football team I'm dating, I'd like not to have to hear another exhaustive study of the Federalist Papers.

Congressman Tom Price got up there, knocked them out with a few pithy, yet rousing, remarks, and called it a day after 2 minutes. Looking forward to the next one, but please, let's remember why we're doing this. Hearts and minds aren't won without editing and wit. 

 

I was so cold that I sought refuge in the Grady Hospital McDonald's which is a little like going to a prison meal or, at least, the snack bar at the DMV...if they had one. I'm happy to say I wasn't assaulted or killed, and the fine employees there wear double gloves on their hands. My only complaint is that the bathroom smelled of homelessness despite the fact that an employee had to buzz you into it from behind the counter. Guess what? That system is not keeping the bum smell out of your bathrooms. Seems to me the lock is keeping the cleaners out, too.

Too much fast food this weekend although Subway isn't really junk and this time it was slow food. I had the misfortune of being behind an entire Indian family with Dad, Mom, Grandmom, 3 kids, and the pet cow...j/k on the cow....might as well though.

The last time my wife thought I was an overbearing control freak, I flew her to India to hang out with some Indian men. This guy...like how I wrote that in an Indian accent? "This guy."...must have grounded his children for a week 4 times for some small transgression in the Subway line like picking white instead of the healthier whole wheat bread, or, Shiva forbid, even looking at the roast beef.

So that took forever just to get their sandwiches off the starting block and then, down the line, the mother...or maybe it was the grandmother. It's hard to tell with that freakin' babushka on her head...runs into trouble with the toppings. Overheard conversation:

SUBWAY SANDWICH ARTISTE: Mademoiselle, What veggies would you like?

INDIAN WOMAN: I'd like some baby spinach on my sandwich.

SSA: Uh...we don't have none o that. Just what's up here on this sign.

(taps the dirty plexiglas with the gloved hand, rendering glove microbially moot)

Now the overbearing Indian dad, having kept the kids in line, goes over to see what her problem is.

OVERBEARING SMALL-PENISED INDIAN DAD: Did you ask for the baby spinach?

INDIAN WOMAN: He is telling me they don't have the baby spinach.

OSPID: OK, then we take the regular spinach.

SUBWAY ARTISTE: Sir, we don't have no spinach.

Then he motions over the franchisee at the register who speaks the culture and explains in Indianese that they don't have any damn spinach and where in Shiva's name does he get that idea? Just a guess. 

That all cleared up, I get to the register and the owner says, "Combo?" with a certain amount of glee. They looove selling those combos. Good profit margins, and it's one of the few words that make them feel like they fit in. COMBO!

"Combo," I reply. Before I go Rambo on this place.

"Combo!" he shouts in that "welcome to Moe's!" style voice, like I won the jackpot. I felt I did, getting out of there with a meal that at one point didn't look possible.

It was tasty, for the record.

Peteetong!

More With DavidMesirow

I found more of my great new V V P (viral video performer)discovery, DavidMesirow! Here's his medicated take on the woes of frequent and fat flier, film director Kevin Smith!

"R U F***in' Serious?" (Rough and Serious)

Hat tip to Regular Guys Show listener and House of Wachs reader Ronnie Mullis of Griffin, GA who emails this enterprising and entertaining bit of journalism:

As I was leaving the Ringling Bros. circus Saturday, my family
stumbled upon an even better show. Maybe not as memorable as the the
MARTA altercations, but worthy of my cell phone video camera
nonetheless. There were 4 adults, 2 men and 2 women (race is obvious),
along with several children in a jam up screaming match in Centennial
Park. I immediately thought of you guys, and your affinity for all
things of the public entertainment genre and shot a quick video. It
was a rush. I felt like an amateur videographer infiltrating ACORN. I
have posted it on youtube for purposes of promoting Atlanta's travel
industry. Here is a link. Peteetong!

Jeez, Shaqueez. You'd think Eric Robert Rudolph had struck anew. What the hell could be so problematic on a beautiful day in the park that you have to be screaming like this?  In the front of the children no less! Those precious children who will grow up and steal my TV and take my life.

Anyway, Ronnie. Peteetong and thank you for the initiative. Who knew that Sebas could inspire anyone out there? We'll have to play this on the air tomorrow. Lucky. You got to see TWO circuses!!!!

Time to Find Out What a Fat Guy Wearing a Tuque w/ Ear Flaps Indoors Thinks.

This is my from-now-on-go-to-guy on current events. My mouthbreathing muse and his take on Tiger Woods' apology.

Good thought-provoking stuff, but I'd like to know more about Bill Clinton's pregnancy next time. Thanks.

(The hit count started at 13. Let's see how influential I am as a blogger, 'cause I'm aiming for CPAC 2011!)

This Was the Wachs Week That Was

It's somewhat embarrassing to restart a blog after 18 months only to cease posting after a couple days. Actually, it's not that embarrassing. It's not like I don't work or boldly think out loud for public consumption and financial fulfillment. It's just anal, is what it is really. Sometimes we imprison ourselves.

Lately, I've been saving some feelings (and boundary-defined energy) for the Tea Party speech I plan to give next Saturday 2/27 at the GA State Capitol. Y'all come. Contrary to the media-influenced warning that we are dangerous people, we're...uh...not. Unless you are currently in the mass media news business, the arts, education, or government, that is. In those cases, the fear is warranted. We are about to give you a hard push in another direction than what you've planned. It's going to hurt, but you'll be OK in the end.

If you like liberty or are even slightly familiar with it's benefits, then you'll like these gatherings. The bulk of the people attending, somewhere in the 90th percentile, are there for freedom from excessive debt, regulation, and taxation. We don't want our lives re-ordered. We like them fine the way they are...or were. It's hard to tell sometimes what's ebbing and what's flowing. There are other issues discussed, but they take a back seat to the demand for a re-re-ordering of the mess we currently have in accordance with constitutional principles. 

With all the talk of how entitlement programs are killing us and how we could be headed for a collapse due to their unsustainability, there actually is one entitlement program that I am quite fond of and, I believe, the only entitlement program that works. It thrills liberals and conservatives alike. It adapts to one's personal needs with little red tape or hassle. It guarantees opportunity. It generates income. It stimulates the economy.

FREEDOM.

We are entitled to it.

Not a bad start. I'll have to polish that up and practice emoting a little this coming week. Now, let's look back on this past week and some of it's shiny objects.

Climategate scientist Jones confesses! "No global warming since 1995."

As banal as evil is, it's end can be even blander.

I just got finished watching V for Vendetta, a very good, if misguided film--the dystopia is caused by neoconservatives circa 2005, but the characters behave like Democrats circa 2009--and it made me chuckle that the titular anti-hero/freedom fighter must learn and exhaust every trick known to every military and government operative in every country in every era, to relieve the high command of their jobs and lives, when in reality, a few leaked emails would likely do the trick.

Now Phil Jones goes out whimpering something that we've known since people used hand puppets to give the weather forecast. No fireworks, no dudes in Guy Fawkes masks, no mass murder of government officials. Just a few leaked bytes and it's over, kids. V is for Vigilance. 

Now would someone fess up about the Swine Flu Hoax?  It's been colder than Madonna's genitals up in here this winter, but I've to yet to bump into anyone I know who has so much of a sniffle. I know...the worst is yet to come if we don't do something now. Better safe than sorry. Here. Please. Take my place in the shot line. You seem to care.

USA's oldest death row inmate dies of old age

Sometimes Too often, the justice system looks downright unjust and plain stupid. I don't think that was the original idea of death row. You don't die on it. You die after it.  I don't understand why people think that this de facto life sentence result is more humane and cheaper to produce.

Why is it remotely humane to elevate the life of the killer over those whom he killed? Why should he be subsidized for the rest of his life by the families of people he killed?  And if he doesn't qualify for the ultimate penalty for the ultimate crime, what then is humane about subjecting this poor innocent to the horrors of prison?

How is it cheaper that if this animal was executed years ago it would have been MORE expensive? I guess it makes sense like the way to lower our debt is to take on more debt. Right? Something along those lines? It's just not cheaper to the state to keep a guy for 27 years instead of hearing a limited number of appeals to salaried employees and then shooting him up with $10 bucks worth of kill drugs.

I'd like to abolish death row and re-institute just plain death amongst our capital convicts.

Robert Pattinson claims to be allergic to vaginas

The cutie boy who's in all the Twilight movies said this. I don't know if he was goofing or not, but since most of his fans have vaginas and with it the commitment to hysteria that comes with the organ, he might want to brush up on his marketing skills.

I personally like the idea of vaginas, but in practice, so much can go wrong with them. It's very difficult to find an ideal one, and even tougher to hang on to it. So I guess i'm not allergic to vaginas, but I do have my doubts as to their efficacy as a pleasure-giving device.

Sarah Palin vs. 'Family Guy'

Family Guy made fun of Sarah Palin's Down's Syndrome child, and guess what? She complained about it.  Why does she even respond to it anymore?

Most people in this country don't care if she has a retarded child either way. They do care that she can allow Family Guy to get under her skin.

She just needs to be a little smoother under pressure and she'll make a fine presidential candidate someday. Oh, and make people forget that she quit as Governor. She did so for practical understandable reasons, but most people will wonder if that quittin' spirit will be present when she deals with unFamily Guys like Ahmadinejad.

Someday. Not today.

Cream of the Crap

Oh, good. Nothing like renaming things to fix a fundamentally broken system. Turd Polisher (and, in all fairness, Governor of GA) Sonny Perdue reveals his new pitch to give the impression of competition without any actual competition taking place.

All-Star Teachers.

What is an All-Star Teacher? I guess it's whatever the Teacher's Union says it is. The Governor is just going along with it. What does he care? He was never a conservative and has no reason to be now.

Forget about what an All-Star teacher is. The more relevant question is, "Do we even need kids to run a school system?"

Shouldn't the kids have some say in this "All Star Teacher" business? They are the implied customer in this relationship. Hell, even Major League Baseball lets their idiot fans decide who their All-Stars will be. If not for the fans, why have an All-Star Game? If not for the kids then...well...ummm...awkward...cut!

And in a school system that hands out unearned plaudits to any tard (sorry Mrs. Palin) who can drool their way through the wisdom of the great Karl Marx for 12 years, all for the privilege of going to a top commie finishing school, you can rest assured that within 5 years, every Georgia teacher will be considered an All-Star and GA students will still be last in everything called smart.

Other than that, I fuckin' LOVE this idea. It's so crazy it just might work. Wish I had an All-Star teacher when I was in school. I might be less offended by the state. 

In Honor of JD Salinger

Don't get me wrong. I hated Catcher in the Rye. Although the gay porno it inspired, "Catcher With the Brown Eye," got good reviews.

"Wicked miserable prick, that Sahhhlinger," say some New Hampshire locals in their native brogue. I agree hardscrabble, independent-minded, New Hampshirers who talk like 7-year olds. I for one couldn't care less if he left his house ever. Just died at 91? Hmph! He's been dead to us for decades. If a man can't be cordial to other folks, then fuck him and his whole goddamned family!

But since I haven't posted in...what is this? 2010?...almost two years because I'm a subpar multitasker, I thought the Salinger death was a welcome excuse to say hey. So..hey!

It's weird doing this now when I'm gainfully employed since The House of Wachs began as an unemployment era free market work program. It makes me feel like I'm poking a stick in the many eyes of fate, but since this is year last of our current Regular Guys 3.0 Radio Super Star contract, and given the state of employment around the USA, I guess it might be a good idea to post from time to time to prepare for the worst, yet hope for the best, as those rowdy Tea Partiers would say.

Speaking of that, I do have some content here on this otherwise self-absorbed, but in an iconic way, post. I have been asked to speak at the Tea Party rallies 2/27, 4/15, and another big DC one on 9/12/10. So that's nice. History will likely see me as one of the great fathers of the 2nd American Revolution, or a guy who got audited a lot in the early 21st century. Come on out and be able to say "at least I tried" when the Feds haul you off to the re-ed camps. Bring a picnic and some clever Anti-Obama signs and you'll be hooked. You've only your life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness to lose.

Buy the movie I'm in here, please.

Valentine's Day tip:

BUY THESE CANDY BARS!

Mind-blowingly good.

I ordered some last week for Valentine's, but I broke into em tonight because Saturday night is chocolate night at the home. Living as the only male in the household for 20 years will do that to a fella. So then I ordered another box to present on VD, but forgot it won't come in time, so I ordered ANOTHER with expensive shipping so that I wouldn't look like an asshole for eating all the candy. God, I'm gonna get tits if I'm not careful.

The Bourbon Ganache bar is the one I had. Don't know about the rest, but it seems these people know what they are doing with chocolate.

That's all for now.

REJECTED

Damn.

I really liked this bit, but it was rejected by CNN's standards and practices for "What's Your Story?" Ep. #19, taping tomorrow.

That's why there's the internet. When things get censored on the internet, they still can be viewed on the internet.

CBS golf announcer Bobby Clampett called golfer Liang Wen Chong, a "Chinaman."

Clampett later apologized, saying it was bad timing to make such remarks while people were watching a South African beat Tiger Woods in a tournament called the Masters.

That's show biz. And let me just take this moment to point out that, contrary what you've heard, there are plenty of businesses just like it.

MORE CHICKENS

I wish Gen. Daniel Petraeus could have been at Hooters with me, last week, before the Senate surge against American interests held their annual hostage taking with him as guest victim. Apparently, the surge is working a little too well, and certain senators with the presidency on their mind wanted some snappy answers as to why American defeat was not imminent.

While the good General did a fine job of helping the anti-war wing of the Senate look foolish and myopic again, I thought he would have been a lot better off eating wings and polishing off a pitcher or two with me before going to face the wolves. He would have found a good argument for war there.

I was recently honored to be asked to judge a Hooters bikini pageant. It gave me that Hasselhoff feeling, and I thank the organizers of the pageant. A striking girl of about 23 took the stage to showcase her swimsuit and plastic surgeries for the adoring crowd of priapitics. She was a Vietnamese/African American mix, and her beauty made me wonder if Vietnam was really that much of a quagmire after all.

Mark my words. A generation from now we will be marveling at the beauty of Iraqi-American strumpets with daddy issues, strutting their Weapons of Male Destruction on a riser under a tent somewhere in America on a Friday night. Anti-Iraq protestors will return to their roots as grumpy, unrequited feminists with misspelled placards and get back to some good old fashioned male bashing, and we will all finally understand why we were in Iraq, winning.

The week of political Tourette’s didn’t stop there. It was the anti-flamers who were running around San Francisco this time, indulging into the left's favorite new diversion of capturing the Olympic Torch.

FREE TIBET! the anarchists other unmedicated bipolars running around Golden Gate Park screamed. Darfur is the new Global Cooling.

Don't be fooled. This is just a dress rehearsal for the Democratic convention in Denver, where the depressed and desperate will attempt to rekindle the race riots not experienced since the days when liberalism and it's destructive winds of hope and change were just a gentle breeze.

After that, it's a short microbus trip up to Vail, just in time for the annual ski lodge burning season.

Why does anyone on the left wish to FREE TIBET!? Objectively speaking, Tibet is a theocracy run by a charismatic and exotic dictator, the Dalai Lama. Tibet is not a republic. Its own people are not diverse. There is censorship from within and few, if any, of the personal freedoms that we take for granted.

They also have boy kings. Well, we did too, but Lou Pearlman is in jail, and Nick Lachey got dumped, so our domestic boy king nightmare of the late 90s has been solved.

It doesn't require much imagination to see the problems a nation could have when it wants to mobilize against a predator and its leader is 11 years old. The best outcome one could hope for would be that China accepts a game of Halo to decide who lives and dies.

So it's puzzling to me that a Richard Gere, for example, who is remarkably consistent when it comes to giving the sour lemon face for every line reading in every movie role he takes on, would be so contradictory when it comes to his pets in Tibet. Why THAT theocracy?

How quick were the Tibet Freedom and Torch Snuffers Union to defend Koresh and the Branch Dividians when they were under siege by our separated-from-church state? I think almost 1 person may have protested.

It's almost reflexive, here in our purple states, that when a politician, usually in the Republican party, mentions that their faith may have, on background, in some Zen-like way, have had an influence on their decision-making process in government, the left breaks the glass on the theocracy alarm and readies the bastille with non-lethal beanbag firing arms to ward off the coming neo-Crusades.

It all reminds me of the scene in the Godfather in which the 5 Families get together to discuss this business of narcotics...which is a dirty business. But despite the grumblings from those not already with a piece of the pie, it is resolved: No drug sales near schools or children. Ideally, which is the way most criminal enterprises start out; it would be sold in the black neighborhoods. It's decided that, since this is indisputably where animals live, they have no souls worth saving.

Similarly, the Clinton Crime Family and the Obama Gang have decided that theocracies are OK... in Iraq, Iran, and now, China. After all, China is slowly turning away from Communism, the beloved religion of statists everywhere. They're animals. Let them lose their souls.

THE A**HOLE MYSTIQUE

I’ve had it with the Barack Obama myth.

Geraldine Ferraro had it about right, but she fouled it off. Yeah, Barack Obama is getting ahead of that dear sweet old lady, Hillary Clinton, partly because he’s perceived as black. But, so what? Isn’t that only leveling the playing field when Hillary is working her glass ceiling con?

They both represent grievance groups. The guy from the slave people vs. the lady from Feministicism. It’s a wash.

What Geraldine was trying to say was that Barack Obama is an a**hole. You might say that Hillary is one, too, and you’d be correct. I might add that she’s been an obvious a**hole for many years. What’s really propelling Obama’s rise is not his skin hue, but the fact that most of the public doesn’t realize what an a**hole he is just yet.

All the signs are there. The inexperience. The untenable Marxist ideas. The wife deeply suspicious of whites, and the capper this week, the revelation of the Pat Robertson level reasoning, mouth foaming, brow sweating, America-hating preacher in Obama’s inner circle of advisers. Of course, apologists for such behavior will blame conservatives for making a big deal out of nothing.

“Hey, Obama didn’t say it.” Of course not.  Obama was just watching and occasionally having long private conversations with this virtual stranger. Now, that Mitt Romney… Whoo, boy! THAT was a crazy kinda Christian. You need to look into that Mormonism. I believe they take several wives at a time, they do.

Jimmy Carter was a jerk who got lucky by following a slimy Republican and running against a statue who pardoned the slimy Republican. He was folksy and southern, and America’s lefties, feeling guilty for treating the ancestors of slave-holding crackers in such disregard for years, felt obliged to help the South rehab itself  by encouraging the folksy, New South Carter into high office. Problem was, Carter disliked Jews and was a coward in the face of dictators. It wasn’t until he was in office and scolding America for not wearing sweaters that America figured out what an a**hole he was.

Obama is an a**hole whose time will come soon enough, so let’s set that aside and inspect the aftermath of an a**hole whose time has come and gone.

The Governor who wanted to be an Emperor, Elliot Spitzer, made the quickest exit from public life since Bud Dwyer, but I think The Spitz will be plenty OK after all this dies down. Fans of injustice will recall that, before he was Attorney General and Governor of NY, he was well known by many to be a plain a**hole  with money. Now that he's back to being a plain a**hole with money,  I'm sure the adjustment won't be so difficult for him.

Ms. Ashley Dupre, fresh from allowing Mr. Spitzer to give her an exit poll, has left Manhattan what with the media hounding her because they are outraged she's taken jobs from illegal Mexicans and Koreans.

She will now calmly and rationally, with her team of porn advisors,  ponder the many career offers that are pouring in from oil companies, think tanks, the military, research laboratories, Microsoft, Google, and Bill Clinton.

She's gonna be OK in life. Her problems are over. Now, she'll earn enough to keep her in clubs, drugs, and 24-hour diners until she reaches her expected life span of 37. Besides, no one I know disputes that her pop single is a monster #1 hit, so she's got some back up cash in case a protracted bidding war heats up between Saudi princes and hedge fund managers.

Remember her philosophy as summed up in her pithy MySpace page maxim. "What destroys me, strengthens me." How true. Who amongst us doesn’t gain strength from being destroyed? Look at Elvis. Falling off a toilet seat to his death was about the wisest decision he ever made.

So whether it’s the rap desperadoes she hangs out with who eventually manage to go through all her money, or the GNP of Peru that turns her vascular system into a human Ganges, Ashley Alexandra Dupre Youmans Romo is made from the stuff of survival. No, don't cry for her, America.

But has anyone given any thought during this mess to how all this must make Ashley's cousin feel? It must be torture being the cousin of a high dollar prostitute. All those years of, "I want to, but I can't" has now suddenly become "I EASILY COULD HAVE!!!" (groan)

Tough break, kid. But look at the bright side. If no relative made those late night visits to sis' room, America would still be without it's first blind governor. You can't argue with progress, even when it seems like it's dirty and illegal.

WEEK IN THE REAR VIEW 3/8/08

Rapper Juvenile 'devastated' over Gwinnett triple slayings

A teenage gunman allegedly shot and killed the New Orleans rapper's daughter Thursday along with her Sheriff's Deputy mother and older sister in their Lawrenceville, Georgia home, authorities have confirmed.

The victims--39-year-old Joy Deleston and her two daughters, 11-year-old Micaiah, and 4-year-old Jelani—were gunned down by Deleston's 17-year-old son, Anthony Tyrone Terrell.  Jelani was the daughter of Juvenile.

Police discovered the bodies in the residence on Thursday and took Terrell into custody Friday, booking him on three counts of murder and three counts of aggravated assault after he pointed them to the location of the gun he allegedly used in the slayings.  Detectives do not yet have a motive.

Per the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Deleston gave birth to Jelani back in 2004 and subsequently filed a paternity suit against the hip-hopster claiming he was the father.  The two sides eventually settled the case amicably with Juvenile acknowledging he was the father and agreeing to pay child support.

Maybe if Juvenile took responsiblity, actually fathered the children, instead of being forced by the courts to pay off the woman, he wouldn't be grieving..if he is. That's not support. That's bribery. Court-ordered guilt payments.

I was recently watching Def Comedy Jam where African-Americans chortle in delight as other African-Americans point out how backward they are. One woman was doing a routine about how she don’t want nothing to do with her boyfriend's kids. She was with him for one reason and one reason only. She need her some.

WHOOOOOOOOO!!! HOT DAMN!!! hooted the audience. You go girl. You don't need no man kids. Nu-uh.

I thought it was funny and sad. People in the audience howling at their own demise.

Usually it’s the woman who has the kids, and when this attitude is combined with the lethality of the frustrated, itinerant male, the results are about what you'd see in Gwinnett in the case of Juvenile, the naive and ludicrous rapper.

Clayton school board member quits hours before crucial meeting

I wonder if the outraged teen-aged parents and 30-something grandparents down in Clayton County can spell "accreditation." Well, they have no one to blame but themselves for the mess they find themselves in vis a vis the school board and it's inability to get it's schools certified by the obnoxiously low standards of the government.

They should protest themselves for being so severely lacking in judgment that they let thieves and incompetents play political games with their children's lives. How come neighboring counties don't have this problem? They elect from the same pool of bureaucratic idiots. Oh, yeah, they have good bureaucrats in Henry County.

I think that Clayton County is now officially run by tribes and warlords. Send in a surge.

Kid Rock Pleads NG in Waffle House assault case

I can't help but wonder what Kid Rock's life insurance premiums are like? I just got rejected for some life insurance due to some cancer on face. It was excised 100% but the insurance company said, "No. More money."

Kid Rock gets into Waffle House fist fights, apparently eats there a bunch, smokes cigarettes, and was dating that hepatitis case for awhile. I'd be pissed if he has life insurance at a reasonable rate.

I will say this though. Kid Rock, you have re-asserted yourself as the King of Dirt. You are the capo di tutti trash. You have embraced your inner redneck. I think I speak for all Waffle House customers when I say that getting arrested at Waffle House is a very cool move.

Kid Rock won't make the Fonzie mistake. If you're gonna put on a leather jacket, you best be backing it up with a good kick in Jose's teeth when he doesn't pay his cock-fighting debts. When you put on a wife-beater, it's not the time to look for a cure for breast cancer. Respect the shirt, boy.

It's a fact. America loves a filthy, unrepentant cracker, especially one that is willing to sacrifice his good name for a more authentic music listening experience. Without Kid Rock getting himself arrested at Waffle House, you might as well be listening to Fall Out Boy.

Steinem says McCain's POW status is overrated.

Gloria Steinem is so penis envious it's insane. If you said to her tomorrow, I can give you the penis you always wanted but it's John McCain's dried up shooter, she'd lunge for it.

POW is what they call Gloria's dates...Prisoner Of Witch.

Gay-marriage foes face tough questions from California high court

Guess which headline writer is in favor of gay marriage?

Yeah, the foes of gay marrage are facing the tough questions because they only have the law since the beginning of time on their side. It's a tough case to make.

It's the people who want to re-engineer society that will have the easy questions.

Dungeons & Dragons Co-Creator Dies at 69

That would be one Mr. Gary Gygax, as middle schools across the land flew their flags at half mast in honor of him. How many did he help to extend their virginity well into their 20s, and save society from so many unwanted pregnancies?

Former starting QB Harrington released by Falcons

See that Falcons fans? You don't have to kill a single dog to get released. Just suck.

Actually with his O-line and surrounded by such immense talents such as Alge Crumpler and Roddy White and Warrick Dunn, he wasn't given much of a chance.

But the Falcons have brought in this guy from the Unsentimental Patriots and it seems there is no time for the reeaissance of Joey. Now we have Chris Redman as the front runner for ATL QB pending further unsentimentality.

In less than one year, the Falcons QB position has gone from foolish black man to Chris Redman.

Men who do housework may get more sex

Like sex with your wife is some big whoop reward. My wife didn't even reward me for getting my new high-paying radio job. Now all of a sudden she'll be in heat because I picked up a throw pillow? Hip-hopper, please!

The report, released Thursday by the Council on Contemporary Families...

What crypto feminazi douchebag propaganda machine is this, and what kind of mythological world do they think we live in where men sit around all day and do nothing...and yet the bills get paid?

The shocking part is not the story, but the fact that every TV, radio, and news outlet in America had it featured prominently for a whole news cycle. There must be reporters who actually report somewhere, but I guess budget cuts in the media have made them rarer. The only real reporting we get these days is from the crews who follow Britney Gash and Paris Slutson around.

They really earn their paycheck, which is not to imply that they are actually pitching in around the house just because they went out and earned.

UNLAXING

Look at that, will ya? It's me and my new honey snookums. My new side piece. Me and Mara Davis from DAVE FM gettin' it on at the Funny Farm Comedy Club in Roswello where we were making the social scene for the first time as a couple.

Where's her left arm? Gentlemen don't discuss...but I will.

Nah, you know what? I'm gonna be a gentleman and make this flame last a good long while.

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On the Wachs Water Watch....Due to recent storms in the Johns Creek area, the drought is over as far as I'm concerned. Long onanistic showers are back in vogue amongst the glitterati of the JC.

I attribute this sudden growth in water resources to another thing. The big road signs telling us to save water.

I was driving down GA141 to work one recent rainy morning, and there it was in big bright letters so one could see it through the driving rain.

GA GOVERNOR'S ORDERS. CONSERVE WATER! - % * 7<#

Which is helpful when you're driving, because it reminds you to shut off the faucet in your car.

While conservation is nice and all, I'm a supply-sider by nature, and feel we really need to focus more on making it rain. Government prayer was a great start, don't get me wrong, but I think we should go back to burning trash in the yard and leaded gasoline. It sure rained like fuck back in those days.

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Speaking of resources, I'd like to remind the Shell on P'tree in front of Channel 2, that if you must insist on charging 3.50/gallon for gas, at least put some damn paper in your receipt machine. Or improve your snack and drink offerings to offset the cost of gas.

People don't realize the real benefit of a big retail outlet in front of a gas pump. Lower gas prices. What does Wal-Mart care if they're losing money on their gas? As long as it brings in carloads of giant cheap people willing to stop in the store to gorge themselves on overpriced carbs and buy the 6 packs of jeans and the 100 pack of adult diapers it'll take to contain their output.

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It's Friday night. Winding down. It's Pill Night, of course. A tradition resurrected for my latest go-round with the 4 bells lifestyle. The valium is starting to work, so I better knock out one more observation about my week...let's see...

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Yeah. I almost forgot that today was Leap Day, so I'd like to give a little nod to this rarest of days.

The Leap Year was invented years ago by scientists and calendar officials to adjust our calendars to solar reality. Calendars, it turns out, are just rough estimates of a year, and we seem to lose a couple of hours each year. This can get out of hand pretty fast, as you can guess. If not checked, we'd be having snow in June in most of the country, Summer vacation would be in January, and breakfast would be for dinner.

The Leap Day fixes all that so we have a reliable year with few surprises along the way.

And you know what? I think it's great. I really feel like today was the day that we're all back on track. We're gonna do it now, with hope and change and opportunity.

McFadden and Whitehead! Sing!

"Aiiiiinn't noooo stop pin us noooooowww...WE'RE ON THE MOVE!"

NO CITY FOR ANGRY MEN

This evening, I took the opportunity to address the Johns Creek City Council, and the mayor, on the problem of Eric Von Haessler's hateful and disrespectful remarks recently about my city. Here is the text of my address.

Mr. Mayor, council members, media people, friends---

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. This is a tale of two cities. This is a tale of two men. This is a tale of 2 girls and 1 cup, and this is the tale of two ideas so diametrically opposed that somethig must give.

Recently, my colleague at work, Mr. Eric Von Haessler, chose to pursue an extremely slanderous agenda aimed at the city of Johns Creek. The motivation is not clear nor very important, although I happen to think that he is jealous and has a bit of a screw loose because of his choices in life.

Eric Von Haessler, you see, lives in Roswell. That's right, you heard me, Roswell. A city blighted by grifters, pimps, illegals, card counters, strippers, hippies, people with ED, gypsies. tramps, MARTA riders, motorcycle gangs, drug dealers, jackrabitt retailers, troglodytes, waterheads, and illegals. Mr. Von Haessler, of Roswell thinks it's OK to call Johns Creek an inferior city. He says it's OK to step up criticism of our new city from the ooze of Roswell, GA.  Well, ain't that the cess pool calling the creek wet?

I call upon you board members and Your Honor the Mayor to release to me a grant of $500. With these funds, I will endeavor to print posters of Mr. Eric Von Haessler's stupid face and get these posters placement in the fine homes and businesses in Johns Creek.

I call them "Not Wanted" posters. When Mr. Von Haessler comes to visit our city he can be shunned as he should be for his insensitive and hypocritical remarks.

In closing, I would like to say how much I love Johns Creek and America. But unlike America, Johns Creek is new and fragile. It's newer than Iraq..I'm pretty sure. Whatever. In order for greatness to occur, there must be limits to our tolerance. Roswell tolerates grifters, pimps, illegals, card counters, strippers, hippies, people with ED, gypsies. tramps, MARTA riders, motorcycle gangs, drug dealers, jackrabitt retailers, troglodytes, waterheads, and illegals. Are we going down that road?

I believe Delta flies to Roswell. So if you don't like it here. They're ready when you are.

Snap. And Thank you.

LARRY THE KING

OK, fuck it. I changed my mind. Man's prerogative. My last post brought nothing but negative reaction and embarrassment. Burger King brought back the Whopper.

I will post when I get the chance, and right now I have the chance. Rejoice.

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In Whole Foods I saw a magazine with big fat Paula Deen on the cover. What is healthy about her cooking? Organic lard?

Why is it that Whole Foods doesn't carry People Magazine at their checkout stands? What religion are they running in there that gossip and humor are in the same category as trans-fats?

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Everytime I jog past this one house in my neighborhood, a crazed poodle (I think it's Korean owned which explains the neuroses) leaps out of the bushes and acts like an asshole toward me. It can't go very far or else it's electronic collar zaps it. Ethically, I have no problem teasing the dog so it shocks itself over and over again until it learns. Get some manners crazy poodle!

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On the news, I heard a reporter give the grim story of how an inner city youth named DeAnthony was killed in some inner city mischief. I can't help but think that his name had a little something to do with the fact that he was DeAnthonized. When you name your kid in the negative such as DeAnthony, or UnShawn, or Nochelle, you have to understand that you are putting a target on their back. Henceforth, I am calling my daughter, Proretha.

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At the QT one recent morning:

CLERK: 53 cents is your change. Come on back.

He left the register to go to the back room of the store, so I followed him. Maybe I won a prize for being a polite customer.

CLERK: WTF are you doing back here?

ME: You told me to come back.

Turns out that's what they tell people to make them return to the store in the future.

We had a good laugh about the mix-up and he invited me to sit on the milk crates with him and look at a copy of Juggs magazine he stole from the rack up front.

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Police station cars outside of bars on the theory that dangerous drivers will be leaving the parking lots late at night. That may be true, but my experience of late is that more dangerous drivers are leaving hospitals than bars and nightclubs. Twice in the past two weeks, I've swerved to avoid women crying as they leave the hospital. God knows what goes on in there, but it makes them lose control of themselves. Women, disease, driving. That's a deadly cocktail, friends.

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Hey, Gator fans who get Georgia plates with the Gator logo. I'm buying a pack of Sharpies to keep in the car. Just lettin' ya know. Isn't it enough that you steal our water? You want a Florida tag? Move to GODDAM FLORIDA!!!

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Billy Ray Cyrus recently apologized for his daughter, Hannah Montana, not wearing seatbelts in her movie...in 3D yet!!! I appreciate the sentiment, but I can handle this.

Well, Daddy. Hannah Montana doesn't wear seat belts. (LOUD BELT NOISE ON KID'S ASS)

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Here's a photo of Gary Coleman getting married.

Gross!

The gays must be really pissed. It's really rubbing their noses in it when this marriage can occur but their's cannot.

PROTECT YOUR NUT

A colleague emailed me these propheticesque words yesterday:

McCain beats Hillary 53% to 47% in the general election. His victory will come down to Independents who perceive him as a truth-teller compared to the legacy of the Clintons.

I like Romney but the Repubs, when given a choice, will always give it to the next guy in line- and it doesn't hurt that the next guy in line ain't a Mormon.

I fear two things this year. McCain getting the GOP nomination. This will lead to a Hillary Clinton victory in my view. 

So actually, I'm only afraid of one thing. A Clinton victory. At least I've cut my worries by 50%, and it's not even February.

I've already taken some steps to protect myself  in case of such a dire occurence that a known rapist uses his straw wife to get a 3rd term, and none of them include moving to Europe as those cowardly weasels on the left promised back in 2000 and still haven't done, much to virtually everyone's annoyance in America.

I'm going to blackmail my brother, a top surgeon, who has stated to me that he intends to vote this mess into office and even campaign for her/him. I believe his group is Surgeons Against Salaries.

I know a lot about my brother. I have a lot of dirt on him going back to the time when we were 8 and 7, and he came up with the plan to poison the neighborhood retard, a 10 year old who told us he was friends with Hitler. The tard/bully promised that one call would have us both dead by morning.

The point is, I've got a lot of dirt on my brother and I may have to use it to secure free, off-the-grid healthcare for me and my family in perpetuity. I suggest you start keeping tabs on your favorite physician immediately. Hire a PI now, or wait in a year-long line for your prostate bleeding problems later. It's up to you. Economics don't bend to politics.

I'm also looking into being a pot dealer to secure some cash to send off shore. I wouldn't want be a cocaine dealer because they are more violent and ruthless given the nature of the commodity they are peddling. Pot dealers are probably a more friendly bunch given the tranquilizing properties of their product. Still, I'm only in the listening tour stages of my research into this venture.

Then again, I just may rob drug dealers like Omar on The Wire. He makes a pretty good living and can afford to go to the Carribean for vacations, although I would go with a woman.

Now would be a great time to head over to Buford Highway to establish an alternative identity from the many ID providers that have been helping the American-Mexican community for so many years. It comes in handy when you need to drive to work everyday instead of the alternate days that come with an environmentally safe administration.

Another thing that puzzles me is what is it about Mormonism that makes people think America won't vote for one for president. I don't see anything controversial about them.

A Mormon president wouldn't be all hopped up on caffeine like all the others. What's wrong with that? Maybe he'll get more rest and have time to relax and think about the issues more clearly instead of being twitchy from colas and coffee.

I'm voting for Romney in the primary because he's white. Why not?  I think America is ready for a really white president, and Mormons are the whitest of white people.

Romney. He's my wigger!*

_{*Until a Jewish candidate comes along.}

KIND NEWS NUGS

I have witnessed this countless times. Someone on TV, or at a gathering, will refer to black Africans--people living in Africa, never set foot on our soil--as African-Americans.

On a parallel correctness track, there are all those people who have looked at me like I'm an idiot when I've referred to white people from Africa who live here now as African-Americans.

Here's a variation on that old nugget. In Maryland, the governor has proposed a special driver's license for illegals. From the report:

Undocumented immigrants would not be able to use their license to board airplanes, enter federal buildings, or cross borders.

Ummm...wouldn't having a driver's license make them documented immigrants? Undocumented has now completely replaced illegal in the English language for Impractical-Americans from every country.

Oh, it's also a dipshit idea. We'll make it so you can drive amongst us in a vehicle made of ladders, but don't do something dangerous like go back to Mexico or enter government buildings. Oh, OK.

Mark this day on your calendars. January 15th, 2008. The day a local sports team has done something correct and pleasing for the first time since 1998.

The Braves' AAA team is moving from Richmond to Gwinnett County for the 2009 season. It makes too much sense. I won't believe it until I see the stadium rise from Sugarloaf Parkway.

AAA baseball was where I caught my first professional foul ball on a 30 degree April night in Rochester in the 1980s. In fact, I got two that night. There were only 27 people there, and I think everyone else got three, so it wasn't the thrill I'd thought it'd be. Still, I have never caught one in a major league park.

Minor league baseball is affordable and intimate. The security hangups are few. You see the talked about stars of the next few years, and, in this case, don't have to live in a shitty town where eating at Chipotle is exotic. Best of all, Braves fans don't have to drive 28 miles in tremendously frustrating traffic and low level APD flunkies with their ever-changing rules on parking, and then walk through poverty's laboratory to get to the game.

Good job, Braves. It makes up for the hell you helped make of my life while working for Clear Channel.

I heard a commercial on the radio for Lifelock. I'm not familiar with the product, but it's supposed to protect you against identity theft, according to the ad. Rush Limbaugh even endorses it and says it guarantees your identity will be safe from predators or you get $1 million if Lifelock fails you.

It sounds good, but here's the catch as I see it. Who gets the $1 million dollars? Wachs or the person who's pretending to be Wachs? Because if my identity is breached, there's nowhere I can deposit the check. Do they hand you a suitcase full of bills?

Here's Bill Clinton giving a speech surrounded by teen girls. Well, they keep giving pills to Britney. What could go wrong?

Did he let an SBD or did he mind rape her?

"It's hot in here," he says. So take off all your clothes. Everybody's thinking it. Smooth.

Then he turns around and asks the teens if THEY have any questions about middle class tax cuts. It just so happens that's what Jeri with the cute top and shiny dirty blonde hair is thinking about these days. Bill cares. It's getting REAL hot in here. And if you can't stand it, GET OUT!

Where did Nurse Chelsea take the girl, and what are they doing with the Chelster in the campaign? She's not allowed to speak to anyone, but she's always around.

Depending on their perception of how they are polling with the American public, I think the Clintons have something up their sleeve, and will use her as a key prop in some unconscionable stunt that will place the nation's pity on that poor, grieving, close knit family, the Clintons, and make them king and queen once again. Chelsea will be the South Park Kenny.

Don't ask me what exactly is going to happen. It's just a hunch. Maybe they'll release Hinckley for a few days to take some pot shots at her and highlight the flaws in the 2nd amendment. Maybe she'll slip on some meat and hit her head to point out the flaws of free market health care. Maybe they'll just stick her on a MARTA train that breaks down for hours with no A/C in a scary neighborhood to point out the need for more public transport funding. I don't know. But she's there for a reason.

Good night and great news.

WHAT'S YOUR STORY? #9

ZOEY 102

Boyfriend of pregnant teen Jamie Lynn Spears could face statutory rape charges.

"It's your dick in a box!"

There they are. The puppy lovers in the doghouse. I'd name the kid Jesus, with it being the most controversial pregnancy since.

This dude will never be able to get it up anytime soon. He'll have flashbacks like he was in a Vietnamese Prisoner of Sex Camp. He may be the Tony Conigliaro of sex.

Why wasn't this the cover of NOT OK! Magazine?

I had a discussion with a doody head today who's outraged, not that Jamie Lynn was pregnant, but that people would be outraged by Jamie Lynn being pregnant.

"Big deal. Why don't they go after drug dealers?" They don't anymore? Sweet.

If that's the position any of you chuckleheads are thinking about taking in your quest to be the go to guy in the office for opinions on popular culture, here's the upside. Most people will think you are spelunking minors yourself. Not all. Just most. Careful there, Maverick.

And since when did people who advocate a laissez faire approach to statutory rape suddenly become anti-drug warriors?

Say no to drugs, but yes to Ashley. Do I have that right? 

OOPS! AGAIN

Britney Spears' 16-year old sister is knocked up. Words fail. Let me gather myself.

Lynne Spears, already grandmother to Britney's young sons, says: "I didn't believe it because Jamie Lynn's always been so conscientious. She's never late for her curfew."

How about her period? Any opinion on that?

There's your problem source right there. The mom who is under the impression that kids won't screw before 10pm. Then she wonders why her daughters treat their parts like a Greek diner.

OK, enough. I'm saving the rest of my comments for this week's year-end episode of What's Your Story taping tomorrow and streaming on Friday.

"So if you shave your head, I have to get pregnant?"

SWOOPTY

Here's Al Sharpton urging a congregation not to tip at restaurants.

The FBI swooped in on his swoopy head and raided him for financial documents, yesterday.

This should get interesting. It looks to me from my black helicopter that this may be much ado about nothing. Just maybe a message from the Clintons to keep his folk on their side of the line. The opposing pressure from the Obama camp to not be a traitor to the skin tone must be pretty great, too. Al Sharpton may pop like a ripe fruit.

This is going to be the best 2008 ever!

I'd be surprised if the FB  raid resulted in this sovereign fiefdom with hair being hauled to prison. But it's about time someone in the government at least acknowledged that he's a lowlife.

If he were white, he'd have finished his 20 year sentence 8 days ago.

Just gettin' around to it. Thanks, Sheriff. That Sharpton is hard to find. Very elusive.

He'll be dead soon from heart failure, but thanks for thinking about justice. 'Preciate ya.

ISSUES AND NO ANSWERS

The Omaha mall shooting. Let's see...

From the woman who took the gunman into her home after he was booted from his.

He was depressed, and he had always been depressed," [Debora Mauroka-Kovac] said. "But he looked like he was getting better."

So much for her judgment. Put her on the 9th Circuit.

From USA Today:

The shooting happened not long after President Bush left Omaha, where he had arrived for a fundraiser.

...which has absolutely nothing to do with the matter at hand. But thanks for the update, pressie. How could I possibly make an informed opinion without your aid?

Besides the violence and it's utter pointlessness, the thing that scares people most is the realization that, despite the relatively safe, free, and orderly country we've got going, we also have millions of irrational time bombs walking around who cannot find comfort in living.

As much as we find great parlor sport in our pop psychology---"Oh, he has issues"-- and debate and formulate policies to prevent future such incidents, we know full well that even the greatest minds in the world still have only a rudimentary knowledge of the human mind in it's functions and dysfunctions. You're on your own.

I don't know what the local laws are in Omaha, and I'm sure the swiftness made self-defense moot, but I'm surprised that someone in an entire mall during the busy season didn't attempt to fire back. Is that a function of panic or legal culture? Probably both.

INCOMPETENT KNIEVEL

What's so great about Evel Knievel? I think he was an asshole.

My dad took me and my brother to the Baltimore Civic Center to watch him jump over the Snake River Canyon, where they had a giant movie screen on which to beam the Pay-Per-View event which absolutely, and without qualification, sucked bus fumes.

My dad spent another $40 bucks over the price of the tickets to keep shoveling snacks in me and a restless little Dr. Mike to keep us busy until this nut got into his rocket and went on his ill-conceived mission.

Idiot. If you're going to use a rocket to go over a canyon, at least get the engineering and physics right so you can make it over. Hard-working Americans paid top dollar to see your droopy dick of a rocket go flaccid into the canyon. Anyone can do that. No doubt the Russians were having quite a chuckle of this display of American "don't know how," and I'm sure it extended the Cold War another decade.

We went home with diarrhea and no thrills. After he acheived ripping off millions of children and their fathers, I remember steam coming out of my dad's ears and hearing words on the way home of whose meanings I wasn't sure, but I felt strongly they were about genitals. He took out a lien for $240 on the Knievel estate to cover the cost of this enormous swindle of people's time and money. Maybe now he can collect.

PEOPLE PEOPLE

I'm not a people person. I'm a person who is interested in people. There's a difference. The former is immersive, the latter is coldly observant.

That's why I read..."PEOPLE!"

A whole magazine filled with...PEOPLE! Pages and pages of....PEOPLE! doing stupid things.

Carrie Underwood has bad luck with guys? No, the problem is that guys have no luck with her. Put out, sweetie. In Oklahoma, serial dating will drop you on the social ladder. I get that. But not where you are, now.  Just do it.

Jeeeesusssss, take my leeeeeegs!

Spread them wiiiide a paaaaart.

Thank you.

Kanye's mom makes me weep. She just wanted to look nice without having to exercise and diet and all that bother, and she chose a quack based on the recommendation of Queen Oprah of Tennessee. Now she's dead. I don't think she chose wisely, but I don't think her choices demand a death sentence.

Even in the hands of a skilled practitioner, lipo is barbaric. All this medical technology at our disposal and we're still shoving vacuum sticks in people to thin 'em out like cavemen poking an ant hill. Lipo has encouraged the consumption of more calories, not less.

Celine Dion thinks that's her son? That's because she's a robot built in the 90s on an old operating system which had issues with gender recognition. She was about to be recalled and rebuilt when Titanic hit it big, and they let the recall slide because she was needed in Vegas by her anxious financial backers.

That is actually the world's first asexual childbot built by Texas Instruments. Excuse me. My fail. It is the first asexual childbot built on a LINUX platform, and it shares a plug with their golf cart at night in the garage.

I did a double take on this one. First, LACI Peterson was missing, and her husband was the suspect. Now we have STACY Peterson missing and her husband is the suspect.

I'd hate to be Kacey Peterson right now.

If that's your name, RUN, HONEY! Drive to Cincinnati on a snow white Christmas Eve and stay there.

LET'S SEE NOW...

What are these three slapjacks gonna talk about in Annapolis? The Arabs want to liquidate Israel, and Israel wants to defend itself. There's little else to say except for Bush to step up and for the thousandth time tell the Arabs to cut the shit or get blasted. What more talking needs to be done after 2000 years of discussion? How are the Patriots doing? How crazy it is trying to get Hannah Montana tix? They've got a whole week to fill. What a waste of jet fuel.

OJ Simpson's 2nd Trial of the Century has been scheduled for April 7. Mike Vick's is scheduled for April 2nd. Throw Hitler's birthday on the 20th, and April 2008 is shaping up as an exciting month for you racists out there.

I think it's rather cool of OJ to entertain a new generation with his felonious antics. Most of my brain says I'd like to see him get his due in prison, but a small abcess on my brain keeps insisting it might be cool if OJ either walked or got like seven years so he could get out of jail in time to make more asinine schemes and have a 3rd decade in a row where he's on trial for a major felony. I think our children and our grandchildren deserve an OJ trial, too. It's a thrilling opportunity.

I don't like any of the Republican candidates this year, to be honest. Too early. Although I think Giuliani is the most captivating thus far, he's still kind of an FDS nozzle. His personality is a little too erratic for the presidency. I could see him hanging out in a bar and everything's going great, but 2 beers in, Rudy is a completely changed man from 2 beers out.

So, no, I don't watch any of the foreplay debates. Just bring the main event and someone who can actually beat the most beatable woman on the planet. It may Obama now that Queen Oprah has selected him as her political boy toy this go round. We'll discuss some of Oprah's previous endorsements on the next What's Your Story, #5 becoming available Friday morning on SuperDeluxe.com.

If Oprah is so smart and powerful, why doesn't SHE run for president? Because although she's nice and warm and rich, she's also a sucker with mediocre judgment.

Yeah, I think I'll start a school in Africa for teen girls and get one of the locals over there to run it for me. What could go wrong?

If a Democrat wins the White House, so be it. The country could recover from Barack O Carter, and it would from Hillary Cank. Only in her case, people of my generation would not see the recovery. I'd like to have a few golden years. At least the past year of my life gets me a good jump on everyone else in adjusting to the coming deep recession.

Today's newspaper was actually useful for the first time in months with regard to getting news. They printed pictures of some of the carefully screened YouTube dimwits scheduled to appear on the debate this evening and saved me a lot of time. I would have been pissed to have to sit through a debate waiting to see the YouTube questions, only to hear the least enlightening questions possible.

The YouTube gimmick that these debates employ is laboring under the assumption that because a technological breakthrough is transforming our culture, it follows that it's content will be just as brilliant and groundbreaking. Well, it's not.

99% of YouTube is shit. 99% of YouTube is responses to and parodies of Chris Crocker. 99% of YouTube is instant nostalgia of the embarrassing kind. I've probably contributed 10% of it myself. I'm already burned out on the whole garage/basement look to the videos. To really capture a large audience, in 2008, as in 1968, you've got to have some slick and polish to a production. It's cute at first, the rawness, like your girlfriend's sexy, raspy voice panting in ecstasy when you first bone her in college, but by 40 it's enough to make you want to take lots of pills.

There are some gems out there in YouTube land, but in roughly the same ratio if you did a nationwide cattle call for the next big thing. American Idol. Millions have tried out, and after 6 years, they've only found three real stars. One was voted off in the middle. Innovative platform, though.

So here are some of the YouTube debate questions, and how I would answer them, minus that snowman bullshit, which ballroom dances on my every nerve. The questioners are from: Seattle, Modesto, Ann Arbor, and Austin. All males no older than 30 and all asking questions that may have relevance in a general election, but not in deciding who the new Republican horse will be.

"Are you willing to demand that ... paper ballots are used ... or ... paper printouts are mandatory for electronic ... machines?"

That's a Democrat gripe through and through. Paper ballots cause more error and confusion than electronic. Is Florida 2000 that distant of a memory?

The electronic machines are practically error free, and the only people creating doubt are the fringe kooks who have lost elections and make wild claims against the machines instead of taking the blame for not connecting with the voters in sufficient quantities. I don't see them complaining about swiping their credit card over the internets.

"If nominated, do you have a short list of possible running mates? Would you reach across to the opposition?"

Why would any Republican who doesn't want to lose by more than 50 points ask a Democrat to be his running mate? It's never happened before with either party. Government is a semi-functioning marketplace of competing ideas. Maybe we need more parties but certainly not less. Isn't government enough of a monolith without consolidating power even more? Go away.

"See this sign? The people who own this house are having a problem selling it. [Who's] at fault for the mortgage crisis?"

The idiots with the sign up. That's who.

If you sign up for a loan you can't or won't pay for, you're a part of the problem. There are no predatory lenders. Not one of those mortgages was coerced. There are many desperate, greedy people who will sign anything to have a home they can't afford. What can government do? Make things worse, as they are about to do with another round of anti-predatory lending laws that make people on the margins and some inside, unable to own housing. Then, as sure as Wheel follows Jeopardy, some hustler comes around blasting the same mortgagers for "ignoring the poor." Back and forth until we're Brazil.

"If you didn't get the Republican nomination, who would you want to get it and why?"

This is my favorite. It adds absolutely no clarity to the central question of the debate: "Who SHOULD be President?"

What he's asking is this. "What other candidate do you like? If I like him, too,  I'll vote for you so he can lose."

What a tail-chasing moron.  How does it help you decide on a candidate by asking them what they'll do if they lose?

About ten years ago, a buddy of mine went on a job interview and afterward came to me dazed and confused.

"The guy asked me 5 reasons why he should hire me, and then 5 reasons why he SHOULDN'T hire me."

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing. I left. Reason #1. Because I'm not here. We never got to the rest."

H.O.W. QUOTE OF THE DAY

Adam Carolla, of Hollywood, CA, called the House of Wachs today to discuss another matter, and without much effort, rolled to victory lane in the House Of Wachs Quote of the Day.

I estimate that Adam generates around $40 worth of free comedy for every 15 minutes you spend with him and it makes me feel guilty. I'm gonna send him a check. So, it'll bounce. It's the thought.

Why they insist on giving him superfluous radio partners is beyond me. It's like putting a shag throw rug on expensive Berber carpet.

Here's the HOW Quote of the Day:

"It's really kinda racist to assume there's more to the Sean Taylor story than meets the eye. But, it's likely a correct assumption."

Congrats, Adam! You win the Double Larry T-shirt from the HOW Store.

The HOW Quote of the Day is available for sponsorship. Email me for details.

WHAT'S NOT YOUR STORY #1

Starting today, I think it'll be fun to post the rejected stories from this week's What's Your Story episode. #4 is being shot tomorrow and will be online Friday. Final script was turned in this morning, and so now I present a new feature on the HOW website:

What's Not Your Story--The Outtakes!

What you'd pay extra for if you bought the DVD of this website, is FREE!

And as soon as I can figure out a way to change that, I will. But for now, take advantage.

These were rejected for a variety of reasons. Too dark, too mean, too long, too porny, too unfunny, too old, too libelous, etc. In other words, perfect for the internet. I know SuperDeluxe.com is on the internet, too, but they're on a different level of internet with standards and commerce and hits and all. So now, I take you to that other place on the internet, The Island of Misfit Stories, for our inaugural "What's NOT Your Story" #1

OCTOPUSSY

In India, a 2-year old girl with 4 arms and 4 legs had 2 of each removed last week.

A team of Indian surgeons worked on little Lakshmi around the clock until they had successfully chewed off her extraneous extremities.

Sorry for playing designated driver here during all the celebration, but It seems to me we are playing a dangerous game of god when we cut the limbs off of giant spiders and hope they blend in with human society.

It only sets the spiders up for failure, and where are these surgeons then?  Skipping off to their next case of social engineering not caring about the consequences.

I hope they at least let this little gal keep the pointy scales on her back and her prehensile tail. Maybe then society can start to recoup it's dignity

THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD DATE RAPE

Popular children’s toy Aqua-Dots were pulled from store shelves last week for fear they contain the date rape drug GHB.

According to the Consumer Products Safety Commission, each year 100,000 children are date-raped by toys. Play-date rape is not new.

You'll recall in 1987 when Milton Bradley pulled the game, "Mystery Date Rape" from the shelves, and protest in 1994 brought the same fate to Mattel's Binky Suckin' Barbie and Wham-O's Slip-N-Slide

Experts say the toys use fun and bright colors to entice the children. Sometimes the toys take the children to nice restaurants and pressure them.

Kids, say no to strangers when they offer toys made out of steak and lobster.

THE WAITER’S STRIKE

(Video of wacky Writer's Striker)

No wonder terrorists love Hollywood people. They don't know how to fight back.

Where I come from, if someone is taking money out of your pocket and cocaine off your table, that's a big problem.

It's never solved by people with funny signs and wigs who rap with the inefficiency of a white person.

Meanwhile, the producers are eating a nice filet with peppercorn sauce discussing a new reality show with Mark Burnett while both are in a hot tub at the Palms in Vegas having their backs washed by two young ladies supplementing their income from college cheerleading.

And they are all laughing at you up on the 40” plasma screen.

Someone needs to cook that juicy cut of beef, and clean up the hotel suites for those people. Those someones are you, my writer friends.

How badly do you want your 4 more cents for a DVD? How far will you go to get residuals from the internet that you deserve? Who amongst you will be first to openly dip his penis in a glass of producer ordered iced tea?

Go ahead. Make my day, Rosebud. Can you handle the truth?

Show yourself the money.

SIX FLAGS OVER HILLARY

(video of flags falling behind Hillary Clinton)

Graphic video here of Hillary Clinton’s brush with death.

Watch here as Mrs. Clinton and her diverse lesbian friend, Huma, narrowly escape being crushed by these falling flags.

It would have been the first pole to touch Hillary since college.

“Who tried to kill my sister?”

Over on Capitol Hill,  a furious wicked witch of the West, house speaker Nancy Pelosi,  immediately launched an investigation into the owner of the flags.

Mrs. Pelosi is right. This was no accident. Someone is trying to bury Mrs. Clinton with the American flag. Fortunately for her, and the nation, Mrs. Clinton will not allow the American flag to interfere with her quest for the US Presidency.

PRESIDENT PERV

Pakistan is being overcome with Al-Qaeda and Taliban again, and Paki president Perv (The Uncle) Musharraf has suspended their constitution...like they had one.

I'm all for democracy in the middle east, but we're skipping a crucial step, and that's why this thing is dragging on.

In order to have democracy, you have to have sanity and humility. The Muslims are the pit bulls of people. Yes, some of them can be quite loving and gentle. But...

It's all about them and their 72 virgins.

Well, who doesn't want 72 virgins? So selfish.

And if you stopped wrapping up your women like mummies and beating them with sticks, you'd probably get some action in this life!

What we must do is convert them to a better religion such as Judaism. They still don't have to eat pork, but they'll learn to behave.

Round 'em up, give 'em a choice. We cut your head or your foreskin. Your move, Mohammed!

MYSELF, HELLO?

Is there anything funnier than 2 old rich jews bitching at each other?

(Seinfeld clip)

"Don't you know who I am?"

The sad answer Seinfeld, is no. Larry King has no idea who you are. He's 172 years old and he doesn't care about anything but his prostate.

He's also a praying mantis. A very smart praying mantis.

And his audience is just as old as he is and confuses you with that handsome young man on the Wonder Years.

So Larry is just setting the scene for the old folks who watch while getting diapered for the evening.

Eat some cereal, Seinfeld, and calm down.

WILL WORK FOR MONEY

An associate of mine called me from his car as he was driving around Los Angeles. I could hear shouting in the background.

"What's that noise?"

"I'm stopped at a light and the writers are protesting."

"Are they protesting you?"

"I'm not sure."

"What are they shouting?"

"4 Cents on a DVD? Are you kidding me?"

All those Hollywood writers, and that's the best they could do?  Wow. Might want to first do a table read next time before hitting the streets, fellas.

If 4 cents per DVD in residuals sucks, then what's good? 5 cents? 50 cents? How many writers are worth even the 4 cents?

Now before this strike gets out of hand and all but guarantees that our favorite TV shows will be gone for awhile, and that every movie next summer will be about exploding robots, I would like all Hollywood and TV people reading this to know something.

It would really be unfair to Americans who depend on Jimmy Kimmel and 30 Rock for sustenance to go without them.

I just want you to know that on "What's Your Story?" I write the whole show. I know it's not long, but bear in mind that I also direct it, I find all the video, I do all the editing, and the swirly computer graphics.

I recorded the theme music in my basement with a full orchestra, which is my hobby.

I bring in the lights and camera from home that I paid for out of my own money.

I'm the real deal, and I'd love to be your scab. If those other guys don't want the job, for whatever reason. I'm happy to take it. 

I even bought my own work clothes.

Email me for my digits.

DOTDOTDOTDOTTERINGOLDFOOL

How about that Larry King? Claims he was swindled out of 15 mil in an insurance scam. I'm willing to bet it happened during his show, too. Go through the tapes and see if a caller ever pitched him on life insurance. You'll see.

How can you ever believe any of Larry King's interviews anymore? He's obviously gullible. He has such a tangible lack of judgment. What kind of trustworthy person with a passion for "what makes people tick" loses 15 MILLION DOLLARS? Good luck to him trying to get another taste of his 40-year old poonie from here on out.

There's no telling what kind of monkey business with the truth his guests are going to pull now. Next thing you know, Jeanine Garofalo will convince him that she's the new president of  Burma. For the love of Ariel Sharon! He's gonna have to have at least 4 guests now for every show about a controversial topic to make sure the truth is covered somewhere. Oh, wait!

What was long suspected has now been confirmed. Larry King IS a highly developed praying mantis...from Brooklyn.

In honor of Larry's style, this Larry is going to do that Larry's type of random thoughts dotdotdot blog entry, and also I must  finish up and hand in this week's What's Your Story scripts, so little time to waste. Man, I love when bloggers publish excuses for why they're not handing out more of their work for FREE to you slobs. Don't you?

DOTDOTDOTDIRT

Why is a brown lawn considered being green? Why are people who are in favor of being green AGAINST greenhouse gasses? It's right there --g-r-e-e-n- house. Mighty, Mighty.

DOTDOTDOTONTHELOT

I got a call today for another extra part in a Tyler Perry production. This time, I'm up for the part of "FBI MAN." That's all I know. My guess is that I'm not a good guy.

I'm 2 for 2 now with the Tyler Perry people. They love me. Maybe I'll get a few lines soon. Maybe the "FBI MAN" will have to bodily restrain Nia Peeples or Pebbles or some hottentot hottie of that level. Yum!

The other TP production I was in was "Why Did I Get Married?" now showing in hotel rooms across America. Go see it. I'm not. My wife suggested we pay good money to go to the theater to catch the back of my jacket scooting along behind the actors in a scene that may not even have made it, because it didn't sound that funny when they were doing it. No, I'm going to steal the DVD from Blockbuster like I always do when I feel I'm entitled to do so.

DOTDOTDOTHEAD

Pakistan is being overcome with Al-Qaeda and Taliban vermin again, and has suspended their constitution...like they really had one. It bears repeating that the only way to bring the democratic process to their shores is to force them into a new religion. I'm a little biased, but I say the best thing is to convert them all to Judaism. It's a halfway house to the Christianity they need but is too strong a dose of sanity and humility for them right now. They can still avoid pork products if they wish, and have big noses, while they practice calm and try to wriggle free from the steel grip of the 10th century.

Round 'em all up and give 'em a choice. We cut off your head or your foreskin. Yee ha!

UM.....NOW WHAT?

Genarlow Wilson is free...to do what now?  What exactly are we celebrating?

He was convicted and sentenced to 10 years in prison for having oral sex with a 15 year-old. He was a minor, too, so according to the prevailing winds, that makes it OK.  Served three years before the bleeding hearts and his attorney named BJ got him out.

Do you think he'll be getting anymore blow jobs from anyone under 18 from now on? It's hard to say. The only real lesson he's seemed to draw from this is that a justice system that seeks to protect naive minors from sexual predation is one to be ridiculed.

What message are the 15 year old girls getting from this outcome? Reporters aren't asking. They are too busy celebrating this great victory over morality.

The news media has framed this case as that of a young black man unfairly hassled by a backward Christian view of morality imposed on all of us forward thinkers, by a troglodyte state that is embarrassing to live in because it's not enlightened like NY and California, places where the cost of living is low, the air is clean, and everyone gets along.

From the AJC:

Wilson, who served nearly three years of a 10-year sentence, may be the most extreme example of a teenager entrapped by the state's regressive sex laws.

As opposed to the progressive sex laws that they have in North Utopia where anyone with pubic hair can partake of sex without any consequence. I've gotta update my Garmin because I can't find it on these maps.

Is it of the Dark Ages to create obstacles for males to get blow jobs from 15 year old girls? 

But Wilson is not the only young offender caught in a maze of draconian sex laws. Many young people are trapped on the state sex offender registry for nonviolent and consensual sex acts as teens.

Kind of a shot in the dark, but wasn't the sex offender registry voted into federal law by almost unanimous margins in both houses of Congress and signed by the President in 1996? Wasn't there ample time to put in a provision to excuse minor horny teens such as Genarlow? We had a president who could empathize.

According to your liberal reporter, our sex laws are not just regressive, but  "draconian," too. Let's make a sentence out of that view but substitute regressive and draconian with their synonyms. Repeat after me.

It is backward and excessive to punish minors for having sex with 15 year olds.

What do you think? Put your politics to the side. I don't care what party you belong to. It's not relevant.

Do you feel comfortable about having your 15 year old give blow jobs? What progress is going to come of that? That's how you got your high-paying job, right?

I've seen the cool and non-confrontational parents hand out the birth control devices. The results have been uniformly awful.

It's just basic. It doesn't take a degree. You could be getting lucky behind the school in lieu of attending class and still understand this. The more a behavior is subsidized, the more of it there will be. In practical terms, giving a birth control device to a minor is also giving them permission to do it more. Go to Vegas and see what your odds of losing are the more you play.

Contrary to pop belief, adulthood is not conferred on minors by encouraging risky behaviors as physical maturity approaches. Adulthood is achieved by learning the art of restraint and self-control. Picking your moments and knowing there will be plenty of chances to shine.

I'm going to side with Draco on this one.

SLEEPLESS IN AMERICA

House of Wachs campaign correspondent Pete Davis emailed us exclusive video of Fred Thompson's wife's ass.

Pete files this report:

Had insomnia today so I ambled over to the Fred Thompson visit in Kennesaw this morning. Was planning to use my phone to video the event, but when I got home, all that was on it was pics of his hotass 18 year old wife in a form-hugging dress. You could hear him talking but all you could see was her, and at one point when I zoomed in the dj started playing some porn-type music on the speakers.

She was the highlight of the day.

Good work, Pete. Now go get some well-deserved shut-eye, buddy.

I wasn't aware of Fred Thompson's wife until this video, and she sure does look attractive.

The sexiness of a potential First Lady is a very important consideration to many voters because, as you know, every year at Christmas, the President traditionally makes a list of the people whom he will pardon and the people who will get to tag the First Lady for an hour.

Also, the First Lady of the US is the closest we'll ever get to having a real queen in this country, which is vital to keeping us competitive with England.

Personally, I've been leaning Giuliani. But now? I don't know. It's a toss-up. Hey, baby. You and Fred want to meet some "swing" voters?

Don't forget, if you have important news videos like this, send them to: WHATSYOURSTORY@SUPERDELUXE.COM

CRY ME A RIVER

Drought, my eye! Yer all wet!

Let's get one thing straight. There is no shortage of water. It's everywhere. I took pictures.

There's some:

And here:

And right behind Frankenstein and his underage girlfriend:

Like oil, this is a politically arranged drought we're having in these parts, and the solution is a drought of government intervention or a wave of military force...in case it doesn't do something crazy like rain.

First off, with regards to the current watering bans: I have found both legal and sordid ways around them and continue to water my law freely. If you get a waiver from your lawn guy that says you've just put down new sod or such, they let you water it. One Jackson later, you've got your letter of waiver and let the wetlands resume. I've also rescued one of Vick's dogs and trained it to eat Fulton County Water officials on sight, so something good came out of that other Fulton County debacle.

Where you see a brown lawn, I see a white flag. It's the sign of capitulation, not of good citizenship, as has been characterized by numerous articles and letters to the editor from the "common gooders" chorus. And short of a hard shut-off from the water company, my showers will end when I have finished examining myself for cancers of the intimate places. Hell, it takes probably 4 gallons alone just to get the hot water and soap going. And just see what happens to your facilities, water czars, when you shut off thousands of angry people by government edict. I have been known to hurt people if I don't get my coffee and a shower.

A brown lawn is the sign of failure. You've paid hundreds of thousands for a home and a small patch of land so you can grow a few tomatoes, your dog can take a shit, and your kids can throw up when they come home from the prom. The American Dream. And after all that work and investment into the biggest asset most of you will ever own, you can't sprinkle a few gallons of water on it everyday? Why? So a mollusk in Florida can stay alive? Is this mollusk delicious in garlic and butter? Then either build a theme park around it and charge admission, or get rid of 'em!

Now Governor, and Top Aquatic Supervisor for the State of GA, Sonny, warns that we will run out of water in January. I doubt that highly. It's going to rain eventually. We don't live in a desert. Last I checked, a case of bottled water cost a third less per gallon than it's gasoline equivalent. The tap water you get is priced at a few pennies a gallon. There is no shortage of water. The shortage is in the bottlenecked delivery system monopolized by the state. Can someone at least entertain me with a stab at a practical reason why we can choose our gas, cell phone, TV, food, and internet providers now, but not our water or electricity providers?

Gee, which of the above staples of everyday life has routine outages and shortages? Food? Not even in a snow storm. TV? Have you seen your waistline lately?

Logically, the shortage is man-made, and voila! It is. The federal government mandates that we share the Chattahoochee and other resources in Georgia with Alabama and Florida, and they're just hooting and hollering down there, watering whenever they please, while we sit indoors watching expensive lawn care go up in smoke, so gullible in our belief that these are such unique and tough meteorological times that we must...(bite my lip and sniffle)....sacrifice for the greater good (i.e. Florida and their rare mollusk collection).

Well, to put it politely, FUCK THAT. Now this is a civil war I can get behind.

We have it. If they don't, they should find their own damn rivers and lakes. I know they have them because I've been to them. It rains there, too. And they've got way more ocean access than we do, so start de-salinating, Sal. What's the problem?

I'll tell you confederates what. If you really want to have a genuine Georgia vs. Florida fight where you can beat the hell out of one another, put down that pussy college football, and I'll join you. And so you won't miss a minute of the fun and excitement of a real Georgia-Florida tiff, I'll supply the cocktails during the war. The NWC, the New Water Confederacy, will make military history by being the first warring unit ever to have a full bar.

You gotta fight for your right to DRINK!!!

NUTSACKS

I got this in my email today:

The World's Obssession with Celebrity and The Loss of Heros

Lessons Learned from The Ignored Generation of Entitlement

Guest Hosted by Goldie Hawn

CLOUT! on Air America

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

8 - 10 pm Eastern

based upon the work of Dr. Sunija S. Luthar

"The Culture of Affluence: The Psyhological Costs of Material Wealth"

Professor of Psychology and Education

Teacher's College, Columbia University

Experts from The Hawn Foundation

All will be interviewed by Goldie Hawn

Being wealthy and hot is bad. Oh, OK.

Dear Goldie:

I am not rich. I'm a struggling wise ass who looks like a turtle. Do you want to switch places with me for about 7 years? Give it a go? Take it for a spin? See how your theories hold up after about a week in my shoes? How 'bout it?

A fan

The Hawn Foundation...Gee, sorry. I already gave $100 to the Sues Institute. I'm tapped.

---

My wife takes wedding pictures sometimes and here's a great one from a recent wedding we attended.

Mix drunk people and small bags of Krispy Kremes in lieu of rice at a wedding reception, and you're bound to get a groom with a donutsack.

...til death do you part?

I DOOOOOOOHHshit

BORN TO RUN AWAY

A Minnesota woman, Jammin' Jammie Thomas, was caught in the illegal download tuna nets and ordered to pay the recording industry $222,000 for 24 songs. They were that good and rare. Now the internets are safe for the rest of us. Come on, you stupid cow. Is it still 1999 in Minnesota? Jesus.

Here's the problem. The recording industry is run by people, mostly Jewish, who care a lot about money and not as much about recorded music. Don't get me wrong. Jews not only love, but are uniquely gifted in the art of recorded entertainment. Neil Diamond. End of story. Jews simply like money more than music. Which is OK. Yay, money! Yay, Jews!

The problem for these record label people is now no one needs them, so they must resort to desperate measures such as suing people who don't want to do business with them, which makes all Jews look like petty thieves. So, on behalf of all Jews who are rightfully embarrassed by the stereotypical behavior of the record companies, I dedicate this to you.

Why don't you start your own live tour company or something? The recordings are all going to be free very soon because Radiohead and others have just smashed the pricing structure with their hippy-dippy honor system. You can't beat free. No, I won't be spending anything for the new Radiohead album. Why  should I? I don't know if the songs are any good yet. I don't even know who Radiohead is. But it's free.

I also hope that more artists will start acting a little more humble now that technology has forced them to actually do physical labor for a living by touring. Like that overbearing longshoreman bore, Bruce Springsteen. He was spouting off on 60 Minutes and the Today Show again about his stale political views and how it's patriotic to be against everything that America does. He makes Bono look like Rihanna.

BILL A RIGHTS, HOLLA!

"This is a song called 'Living In The Future,' but it's really about what's happening now, right now. It's kind of about how the things that we love about America: the cheeseburgers, french fries, the Yankees batting in Boston.....But over the past six years we've had to add to the American picture: rendition, illegal wiretapping, voter suppression, no habeas corpus, the neglect of our great city New Orleans and the people, an attack on the Constitution ....."

Yeah, that's why America has been such a beacon to the world for hundreds of years. The burgers and the fries. Bush has really kept us from enjoying them what with his illegal wiretaps and voter suppression. Who can eat American food in such an atmosphere? I'm turning orange from all the carrots I'm eating while wondering if my phone is tapped.

Hey, Fonzie, get an update already!  I guess Bruce's busy schedule working construction and attending meetings at the union hall keeps him from getting a fuller picture of the news.

What happened to rock stars who like to have fun and break things? Bruce is all, "We should give more money to the government and, marry homely girls, and mope around because some black guy didn't get a high-paying job and went to war."

Piss off. I'm going to download and listen to Hinder beat up a chick.

A CHANGE WILL DO YOU GOOD

Biggest chuckle of the day: Going to my new job that Rodney Ho is not impressed at all with, I saw a guy pulled over on Buford Highway for speeding by a DeKalb County cop, and he was stopped right in front of a convenience store whose parking lot was the scene of a huge gathering of illegals looking for work. That would just kill my whole day. I'd go back to bed and cut my losses.

That's entrepeneurial justice right there. What will get the county the most money while expending the least amount of energy? Right? Wrong? What does that have to do with it? There's no money in expelling illegals these days from a DeKalb QT parking lot. Only headaches. And I promise that the City of Roswell will never see the $70 I've owed them for their red light cameras for the past 4 months no matter how much they kvetch. Get used to it. They'll only use it for liquor.

Second biggest chuckle: Rodney Ho asking me to describe my new job and saying "that's weird" after I did. It's not weird. It's unique and in it's infancy. You're not used to it. Neither am I. So, it could be a great new thing or a colossal screw-up. That's the fun of "change." You don't know how it's gonna turn out. Anyway, the promos should be online by week's end, and you'll make your own judgements.

Third biggest chuckle: The ironic possibility of being booked as a guest on a local morning show to promote the internet TV show. I'll bet no one in town has the guts to do it even though they all privately want me on their stations.

Now, a little glance at NEEEWWWSSS!

Bad Atlanta bridge riles baseball legend Hank Aaron

Former Major League Baseball home run king Hank Aaron says he'd like the city of Atlanta to do better by him and his neighbors.

This dilapidated bridge is located on Adams Drive just down the street from the home of former Major League Baseball king Hank Aaron. The cordoned-off area has become a favorite hangout spot for bored youths, Aaron maintains. The city acknowledges there's a problem, but says it doesn't have enough money to fix things anytime soon.

"It's just been one thing after another," said Aaron, whose 755 career home runs stood as baseball's benchmark until Barry Bonds surpassed it this summer. "[The bridge] has been downgraded to almost nothing really. The sad thing is, when I first moved here, [Adams Drive] was probably one of the prettiest streets we had."

My question is, why is Home Run King and Living Legend Hank Aaron living in such a shitty neighborhood? You'd think he'd move to a new pad by now instead of putting up with bored youths, broken bridges, and all the problems that dovetail from that.

Hank Aaron must be broke if he'll risk putting his address in the paper to get a bridge fixed. That's what's weird Rodney. He's in the Hall of Fame and has a BMW dealership.

Where are all the righteous dudes who say that Hank rules and Bonds is rotten? You'd think they'd help a victim out. At least Hank gets plenty of valuable lip service. I'll be at his home bright and early with a box of new baseballs to sign.

FLUCKED

Tonight's snacktime cereal is Special K Chocolatey Delight.

This cereal makes me sad. Special K is a dignified cereal for older people who think they are taking nutrition and care of the self seriously. Special K is garbage that carries itself like health food. It's an Afterschool Special behaving like 60 Minutes. 

While it's true that, all else being equal, the hardcore Special K eater will outlive the loyal Lucky Charms eater by 27%, it's neither a hurtful or helpful cereal. It has a nutty, crunchy taste that people of all ages can enjoy while they slopped some emergency calories. It's called Special K, and it was special. Not in the special way we condescend to our handicapped people, but in the special, quiet conservatism that surrounds a cereal represented not by a cartoon mouse on the box, but a bowl of it, pure and simple.

Now Special K has added chocolatey pieces and flake sweeteners. Special K is acting like the senior doing the Electric Slide on the cruise ship.

The taste is excruciatingly mediocre. What do you expect? Chocolatey pieces do not belong in cereal. Period. The secret to good chocolate is it's meltability. The better the melt, the better the flavor. There's no melting here, kids. Not in cold milk.

It's like eating pieces of a BIC pen cut up and dipped in chocolate. A mistake of monumental proportions from the R&D people at Kellogg. These chocolate bits have no shot of melting even in the milk of Satan, and the tip off is that they're called "chocolatey" pieces. Not chocolate. Chocolatey. Kinda like chocolate, but not exactly. This is minstrel chocolate. Mockolate is mocking this chocolate. Some people call that fake.

Fake chocolate is usually made from some petroleum byproduct that NASA discovered and fed to the astronauts to see if they could cap diarrhea while in space, and has a melting point far beyond the typical breakfast cereal environment. Chewing on the chocolate pieces has all the satisfaction of eating wax lips.

Special K. It is for you I weep...but not just yet, because Britney has lost custody of her kids. She was bobbling them and couldn't get her feet in bounds. Possession: Federline, on downers.

I have wet myself in disbelief. And Britney getting the news just after she'd taken the two darlings on a trip to the wild dingo store! That so crazy.

Reaction from Britney was muted. "That how my baby flow."

Meanwhile Federline was ebullient: "NATIONWAAHHHD IS OOOONNN MAH SAAAHHHD...yeeeeuh!

Superior Court Judge Scott M. Gordon ruled that ex-husband Kevin Federline will take custody of Sean 2, and Jayden 1, beginning Wednesday "until further order of the court." The order stemmed from an unspecified oral motion made by Federline's attorneys and was handled in a closed-door hearing.

Apparently these Federline attorneys won the case by pantomiming blow jobs whenever Britney's attorneys spoke. Hell of a strategy planting the slut seed in the judge's mind.

It's sad all the way around. Little Sean Papazao and Jayden Bootay won't be able to roll around unharnessed in the back of the Escalade anymore. Britney will have a tough time getting HD reception since the kids won't be available to wrap in foil and tie to the antenna. Perhaps they'll meet again when Britney is caught sleeping with the boys' high school buddies.

We can take comfort in the fact that since they have hit their heads so many times on Sakrete bags and 50 gallon drums that there's a chance they'll never come to understand the sudden twist of fate and luck (fluck) that has swept their way, although even the pinkest brain would be hard-pressed to detect a coke line's difference between the two ghetto-ized suburbanite parents.

I say give them to Britney so she can finish off their miserable futures. Young males who will never grow with a mother's love and raised by a white rapper; one need not be an actuary to calculate the life span and it's quality for these tots. These are the children of the Clinton generation, and we must cleanse them from our society.

The Spears saga underlines how all too easy it is for ill-equipped people to breed. People who have no skills at all can do it legally. People who can't operate a paper clip can do it. People who don't know what nostrils are can do it. We need to clarify some legislation on the matter. If it were this easy to bleed to death, don't you think laws would be passed?

As the great shemale prophet, Crocker, once pleaded....

Thus spake Crocker, and it has come to pass.

SWASTIKAS IN THE NEWS

Last week's secret ingredient here on Iron Bloggers was, "TASERS!"

This week...Reveal please, President Ahmedinejad...."SWAS-TEE-KAAA."

Fashion chain Zara withdraws swastika handbag

Spanish fashion chain Zara has withdrawn a handbag from its stores after a customer in Britain complained swastikas were embroidered on it.

Zara, owned by the world's second largest fashion retailer Inditex, said it did not know the 39 pound ($78) handbag had green swastikas on its corners.

The bags were made by a supplier in India and inspired by commonly used Hindu symbols, which include the swastika. The original design approved by Zara did not have swastikas on it, Inditex said.

"After the return of one bag we decided to withdraw the whole range," said a spokesman for Inditex, which has more than 3,330 stores in 66 countries.

Oh, we didn't know what they were sewing on our bags. Oh, we didn't know swastikas would upset people. Oh, we're so embarrassed. Oh, now we'll have to sell all these infamous bags on Ebay for 4 times the price.

Everyone relax, will ya? They're not racists. They're just marketers. They're harmless. Just like the guys who sell Che Guevara shirts. Your outrage fattens their profits.

That's the difference between marketing and racism. The marketer puts a swastika on a bag. The racist's handbag is made of real Jewskin.

Police Find Swastika Cut Into Acres Of N.J. Cornfield

I didn't see the newscast of this particular story, but I'd bet a lot of cash that the promos for it say, "Is your corn racist?" at least once.

Not to diminish or trivialize this outrageous act. Obviously, thousands of flying Jews will be upset by it. And maybe the corn just grew that way, and it is racist, and should be burned. I'm glad to live in a society that makes laws against swastikas in corn.

I think it could be a rudimentary maze. After all, the Indians once had a name for corn. They called it "maze." And they harbor such hatred for the Jews who made them villians in all their media presentations. Really makes you wonder....

"IT'S A BOID, I'M TELLING YOU."

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH GIVING THEM 60 LASHES AND HANGING THEM IF WE FIND THEM

In the strongest showing yet of American collegiate intellectual superiority, Iranian President Borat Ahmadinejad read excerpts from the Daily Kos and the DNC website to the busy and useful minds at Columbia University Monday. I thought the speech was terrific although it would have been nice if someone sliced his head open while he was on stage.

Here he is claiming that Iran has no homosexuals. 

Laughter. Maybe it's more effective than weapons, don't you agree?

Ahmadinejad went on to tell the adoring crowd that they didn't have any Jews, shvartzes, retards or gypsies in Iran either, so it's not a problem. Women are revered. In fact, his sister is the #4 prostitute in all of Iran. Stop worrying so much! The important thing is that America is evil and so is Bush, and when I'm your president, everything will be better.

OK, dilemma. You're an Ivy League student and kind of a pussy liberal. You hate Bush. Ahmadinejad hates Bush, too. But Ahmadinejad hates homosexuals. You like homosexuals. Heck, you might even be one yourself. What do you do?

It's a tough one. Let me help you.

You see, I'm Jewish and recently, I was confronted with an offer for free pork salami by a nutty, crazy friend. What a choice!

On one hand, it's free. I like that.

But, it's also a pork product. Pork products can be dangerous and therefore are not an approved food for Jews.

Don't taze me, bro, but I chose to eat the pork salami. Why? It was free. And getting something for nothing makes me feel good about myself and my heritage.

So it comes down what you like more. Homosexuals or your own sense of intellectual superiority over the ordinary Americans that voted for Bush. You may lose the respect of homosexuals, but there's plenty of them. Where are they gonna go? Iran? They don't have ANY! Remember? Who would they hook up with over there?

I think the choice is clear. Defeat Bush. Swallow Ahmadinejad's salami.

TALK TO THE FIST

NEW YORK (AP) - Columbia University said it does not plan to call off a speech by Iran's president despite pressure from critics including the City Council speaker, who said the Ivy League school was providing a forum for "hate-mongering vitriol."

Such brave people these professors and these critics.  By the way, a recent poll I took shows that most people want him AhmadineDEAD the minute he steps on our turf. Where are those people in our leadership positions?  They're debating his right to debate with a bunch of know nothing college-age trust fundies, when we should be talking about who's gonna put plutonium in his food.

How did it get to the point where it's taboo to even hope that someone kills a sworn enemy of this country when he comes here just to mock us? Isn't that what war is all about?

Damn, have we gone soft. 60 years of multi-cultural, pacifist brainwashing has had a remarkable effect. During WW2, do you think we would have had feasts and activities planned for Hirohito? Would he have stayed at 5-star hotels? Hell, no. Look what happened to plain old Japanese people who were in this country just minding their own business. We put them in cages. That seems bad now, but that's only because we have 20/20 hindsight and own a Prius.

At the time it was a superb idea, because it showed that Americans were vigilant the way one must be to remain free, and they weren't going to take any chances in a war. Americans weren't yet suckers who questioned and deferred their own judgement to self-appointed authorities and victimologists.

Even Georgia's own Senator Richard Russell, whose stature has been reduced to having his name put on buildings where Brian Nichols can run amuck, once called for the arrest and execution of Hirohito in Japan. It didn't happen, but at least he wasn't branded as an anti-1st Amendment kook by media editors.

Well, here we are in the age of Progress, and we not only invite one of our top enemies of state to our living room, but we are ambivalent as to whether he should be allowed to do an end zone dance at the site of the biggest act of war by a foreign body on our soil. The harshest thing we can think to do about it is protest Columbia University for "providing a forum for hate-mongering vitriol," as if that's all this was about. Oh, yeah, he's mean to homosexuals over there, too. Outrageous!

Then Dean Worm at Columbia U. postures that it strengthens America to afford a mythical constitutional right to a person who is not a citizen and wants to kill us all to boot.

That's the neat thing about Hitler. He was always up for a lively debate with Columbia journalism school students, who have, historically, been some of the toughest, most conservative critics of anti-Americanism the country has ever known. Worst case: We could have wrapped up World War 2 by Hitler's natural death in 1978 at the latest and saved untold numbers of American lives. If only that debate had happened. Set your tasers to stun, Columbia campus police. I have a feeling these kids are gonna go nuts on this Ahmadinejad.

It begs the question: Did Columbia actually invite Hitler to speak when they had the chance? Well, no. Not exactly. Just his ambassador. The Columbia Lions should paint Bert Lahr on the sides of their football helmets.

Columbia faculty, which is a polite term for "cowards," have made it clear. We shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any foe and oppose any friend in order to talk and talk and talk and talk in a theoretical vacuum and avoid the real world.

Where are all the chicken shit moderates who have been bleating about running the anti-terrorism battle as if it were a criminal matter best left up to local law enforcement and not the military? Isn't this the dream scenario? A proven enemy of state comes to our country. So arrest him. Or go make cookies and shut up.

Come on, citizens. We have strength in numbers against our sworn enemies and all we can do is commiserate silently with each other through some miserable shock bloggers website? It took us 12 years to finally nail OJ. Can we afford to wait that long for the Iranian president to mess up? I do not think so.

It makes me sick. It makes everyone sick.

Even Swedish game show hosts on Tic-Tac-Krona.

SIN CITY HEAT

I wonder if the OJ Trial of the New Century will be shown on Court TV or VH1s "I Love the 90s?" Here's the uncensored version of the OJ robbery audio. I like cussing and it's easier to understand. Bleeps tend to give off the audio version of  muzzle flash from a rifle, and you can't hear the words around the bleeps as much.  And did I mention that I enjoy listening to people get mad and cuss?

You can listen, too.

Pretty satisfying audio. It's OJ, and he's clearly stealing from people, and clearly set up. Who brings audio equipment to a hotel robbery of sports memorabilia? Even Stone Fury could figure this one out.

I heard enough to be struck by how all these guys sound like they've watched a hell of a lot of TV detective shows and were acting them out just to rile up OJ even more and get good audio. The great thing is that OJ is such a self-absorbed rage machine, that he doesn't seem to hear any clues that it maybe all bullshit or stop down to think for a second how even the whiff of impropriety might play to a public hungry for his head. Those guys on the tape could have used the term "Jive Turkey" and OJ still wouldn't have heard the bells go off. I'm surprised he didn't claim he could tell one of the pieces of memorabilia was his because there were bits of Nicole's scalp on the corner from when he once hit her with it during an argument.

Wouldn't that be something if OJ's defense in court was that he was just "acting" to help out a friend of his and he knew it was being recorded?  The same excuse that OJ's attorneys used to blow Mark Fuhrman out of the murder case? It could happen. That would be ironic. Just like in a movie.

The government really wants it's mulligan and I hope it gets it. That's not how our system usually works, but that's what happens when you murder two people. The consensus will catch up to you. That's how the real system works. I'd hate to be a black juror on this case.

AND NOW FOR A LIMITED TIME AT THE HOUSE OF WACHS STORE!!!

The OJ Robbery Tape Transcript T-Shirt. LIMITED TIME. HURRY!

WACHS AT THE WATER COOLER

What's gone ooooon?!

I received a Bar Mitzvah photo from close friends where one of their sons was wearing dreadlocks. Way to put your best foot forward. How do parents have such little guidance over their kids? Is it too scary to say, "You look filthy and you'll never get a job that way.?" What are they going to do? Kill themselves? Good. Then we can all get some sleep. Dreadlocks are for filthy people with no self-respect. There's a reason they call them dreadlocks. It's because they are dreadful.

What if I sent out Hanumas cards and, in the family photo, my daughter has not shaved her pits or legs for a year and is wearing a New England Patriots bikini? How soon would I be the first person to ever get death threats due to his family holiday card? Very.

We've got a tie game, sport fan! OJ 1-The Man 1.

By the time OJ gets the verdict in his upcoming armed robbery trial, it will be my birthday. So, if you wind up becoming an OJ juror, I would love to have a guilty verdict for my big day. Thanks. If Fred Goldman did his job a long time ago, we wouldn't have to depend on another jury to use some common sense and decency. Thank Hashem Vegas is teeming with retired white people.

What did OJ do this time? He's accused of taking memorabilia that he claims belongs to him. He was in Vegas looking for the real pilferers. Is he guilty? It's not important, my pet. OJ's in jail, he got no bail, and that's the way it goes. Raaawhk!

Here's an excerpt from OJ's new book, "If I Didn't Commit Robbery, Here's What I Would Be Doing."

Page 1

Playing golf.

Page 2

Bowling.

Page 3

Looking for killers.

Page 4

Having sex with white women.

Page 5

Having sex with white woman while the kids are home.

Page 6

Using cocaine.

Page 7

Gambling.

Page 8

Buying stuff.

Page 9

Anonymously taunting the Goldmans on Chowhound.com message boards (...hey, anybody know whatever happened to Mezzaluna in LA? it was my fave.).

Page 10

Cashing my NFL pension check and waving the cash at police.

Page 11

Convincing Sydney that it was Mark Fuhrman who smacked her in the teeth during dinner last night.

I am looking forward.

Let's take a quick glance at Week 2 of the new millenium's greatest NFL trade:

Schaub 36-50, 452yards, 3 TDs. Houston 2-0.

Harrington 33-52, 399 yards,  0 TDs. Falcons 0-2.

Vick--going to jail.

Welp, see ya next owner!

OK, I'm tired. There's been a lot of golf going on and one of the guys wished me a Happy Hannukah and another wished me Happy Rashashasha, and I've got some sunburn and then the medications to quell the sting have made my mind all hairy. I have a lot more to say about things, but it'll have to wait until after I plug into bed and recharge.

THE NEWS HARVEST

Unlike some imitation news jogs out there which pile 50-100 news stories on the unsuspecting reader everyday, the True Original News Jog here at the House of Wachs dot commer, understands that only 2-3 news stories per week are worth paying any attention to. The rest is bullshit and a waste of time.

Some weeks there are no such stories, but this week brings such a harvest that we've had 6 in two days! Roll out the barrel and catch them while you can. In fact, from now on the True Original News Jog title will be retired due to the fact that so many inferior competitors have cheapened the name News Jog.

And now, just in time for Rosh Hashanna and the new fall season, we are pleased to usher in The News Harvest!

Belichick draws $500,000 fine, but avoids suspension

So goes the headline which makes it seem like he got a break, when in reality, Belichick got screwed. If I were Eric Mangina, I'd buy Kevlar before entering Massachusetts. There's your low life right there. Half a million dollars for doing something that every team in the NFL and MLB does as routinely as lining the field. That's like a rapper suing another rapper for calling him the dreaded n-word. Can't compete in real life? Just introduce political correctness into the equation.

I like how Belichick sacked up and took it in stride without apology or commentary. That's a warrior, not a politician.

Stealing another team's signals during a game is not close to cheating. It's expected. Everybody does it. Does that make it right? Yes. It does. It's not cheating if everyone does it.

"Oh, but what if everybody decided to rob banks. Would that make it right? Huh?"

Yes. It would. That would indicate that the societal norm has shifted, making it cool to rob banks. But currently, you'll note only a tiny fraction of the population robs banks. Why? Because it's still wrong. There's no way around it.

The hell with the Falcons. They'll never get this concept. Blank is a politician, not a winner. I'm officially adopting the Pats as my favorite team. If there are any forms I need to fill out let me know, but the great thing about rooting for a team is that you can start whenever you like, so it's official to me. Maybe I'll call the Patriots later to let them know as a courtesy. I'm sure they would love to hear the support from a neutral state in the war between the Yanks.

The only real qualification you need is to declare before the 3rd game of the season. After that is bandwagon jumping.

Robot Maker Builds Artificial Boy

David Hanson has two little Zenos to care for these days. There's his 18-month-old son Zeno, who prattles and smiles as he bounds through his father's cramped office. Then there's the robotic Zeno. It can't speak or walk yet, but has blinking eyes that can track people and a face that captivates with a range of expressions.

At 17 inches tall and 6 pounds, the artificial Zeno is the culmination of five years of work by Hanson and a small group of engineers, designers and programmers at his company, Hanson Robotics. They believe there's an emerging business in the design and sale of lifelike robotic companions, or social robots.

I'm sorry. Did any of you call me? I couldn't hear the phone because the Creepy Alarm is going off in my head.

Shouldn't we be investigating instead of praising the loser who spends his time making mechanical young boys? It's offensive. Besides, the market clearly points to an insatiable demand for mechanical females. Everybody I know wants one.

Rosie O’Donnell: Shocking Revelations in New Book

Rosie O’Donnell used to break her own limbs with either a baseball bat or a wooden hanger when she was a child. This revelation, as well as many about her experiences on "The View" last year, is contained in a new book she’s written due shortly called “Celebrity Detox.”

What a shocker. Nasty fulminating dyke who flogs herself for attention as an adult did same during childhood. Hey Rosie! Bush sucks, but do you think he broke his own bones when he was a kid? I don't see it.

Let me put that headline in better perspective. Ideally, I'd have it read:

Rosie O’Donnell used to break her own limbs with either a baseball bat or a wooden hanger when she was a child, helping her become one of the foremosts experts on American foreign policy and stem cell research.

Rosie forgot to mention the ugly stick, and I think the hanger was used too late in her development to do society any good. Other than that, I hear she's a wonderful husband.

THE REAL ORIGINAL NEWS JOG

Here are some news stories that caught my eye today. I call this, The News Jog! DUN-DUN-DUN!!! I know that other people claim to have the News Jog, but I thought it up originally and mine has a cool music staging at the end of it. DUN-DUN-DUN!!!! That's how people know they have the Real Original News Jog the way it was meant to be done with unabashed prejudice and bigotry.

Top Democrat vows to block possible Bush nominee

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid vowed on Wednesday to block former Solicitor General Theodore Olson from becoming attorney general if President George W. Bush nominates him to replace Alberto Gonzales.

"He's a partisan, and the last thing we need as an attorney general is a partisan," Reid told Reuters in a brief hallway interview on Capitol Hill.

Oh, and what are you, Harry? A neutral referee? May I suppose that when your dominatrix, Hillary,  becomes president, every cabinet post will be filled with Republicans? If I were the president, here's one thing I would do. Well, two things if you count hanging Harry Reid for siding with our enemies at every opportunity. Why not nominate Harry Reid as the new Attorney General, and then pile up his workload with things he hates such as authorizing wiretaps against Al Qaeda? He would wind up fired or resigning in disgrace and humliation. Maybe a suicide in Marcy Park. Show him who's boss, Bush. 

Six dead after big quake in Indonesia

Finally, some good news from that region. Only six people dead! Usually they have 6000 or some ridiculous number in these 3rd and 4th world nations whenever the wind gets above 50mph. Six. Not bad, Indonesia. Making progress. Saved me $50 in Red Cross money. 

          Fast Food Worker Jailed for Making Salty Burger.

A McDonald's worker put too much salt on a Big N' Tasty burger that was served to a Union City police officer who got sick and was briefly hospitalized.

The worker, Kendra Bull, 20, was arrested, handcuffed, charged with reckless conduct at 1:30 a.m. and spent the rest of the night in lock-up. Later Friday morning, after a court hearing, she was released on $1,000 bond.

I wonder what would have happened if the cop ordered a Big 'n Salty, and this gal made it tasty by accident.

The cop's being a dick and the law was grossly misapplied, but I say give him a raise. Seriously, it's irritating enough to be served a fucked up burger, but to be served a fucked-up burger by this..... 

....think of how pissed you'd be. What happened, honey? Someone stab you in the mouth with a tooth and you were distracted from your salting duties? Is it really that difficult to salt meat? Thank you, minimum wage! 

"I think they went too far with it," said Bull, who has worked at the McDonald's on Jonesboro Road for about five months. "If it was too salty, why did [the officer] not just take one bite and throw it away? Why did he take eight bites and finish it and come back later and say it made him sick?"

Because you're an ugly hamster, that's why. Let's review. 

When you look like this, it really is immaterial how good or bad the burger is. The customer has already lost his appetite. So while, yes, Kendra, you are correct that he took enough bites to indicate that excessive salt was not an issue, his hospital visit was more than likely the result of excessive ugliness on the part of the sandwich preparer (you) which put this police officer over the top.

Now, people. I know from personal experience that after getting a sandwich slathered in mayo after I've told the drive-thru shitnozzle 4 times "NO MAYO, Please!" through the Thomas Edison Memorial speaker--what are they making wax cylinders of your order back there?--I'm ready to kill.

Now add a badge and a gun to that feeling, and you'd do something about your salty burger too, if you were a cop. And she only went to jail for a little bit, and it wasn't like she wasn't going to end up there anyway someday soon, because how far can you get in the world of business and commerce with a busted fang hanging from your lip?

I'll tell ya what. The problem is that fucking liberal Mayor McCheese. He's so soft on crime. I hate these pasteurized processed candidates our system gives us.

IN THE PATOIS OF THE FATWA

I just got done eating some delicious raisin toast. I had a hankering for it since tennis practice. It really hits the spot when I'm a little down. Tender sweet raisins, nestled into a golden gluten web of egg bread. Oh, my!

The time is ripe for a change in the way we do things around here at the big ole HOW. I don't believe it is fair to me as a US citizen that our media continues to tolerate, with a "muslim clerics will be muslim clerics" attitude, our enemies constantly issuing death orders against  people they don't agree with, but we're not allowed to do it to them or anyone else. Well, dammit, a hearty "fuck off" is not enough, anymore.  From now on, when I see someone do something that's irritating and wrong, or either, I will issue a public death threat to them. Yeah, it's symbolic, but don't get too comfortable.

I don't think I dig the new NFL Monday Night format so much. I like the fact that it's a double header, but it draws out those ill-suited sportsradio hosts who, generally, for some reason, think you must talk MORE and LOUDER despite the constant stream of HI-DEF pictures to aid their descriptions. It's a far cry from the days of Cosell, and for that I'm sending a death threat to ABC for debasing Monday Night Football.

I like the Niner's new unis. They are actually old ones from the 70s that they brought back. Good move. The lads actually look like football players as opposed to the futuristic space monkeys built from corn and petroleum derivatives that most teams look like.

Yep, the Niners really have it together sartorially this year. Those homos out there really know their style, you gotta give 'em that. I can only wonder how great the team would look if the NFL didn't ban Loverboy-style headwear.

Meanwhile, a death threat to Roger Goodell who cuts off one head of the multi-headed thug hydra but won't touch the others. A cursory glance of  Sunday's opening NFL play reveals that the number of of dreadlocks poking out of helmets and exotic Oriental arm tattoos have exploded throughout the league. If I were commissioner, and I was serious about the league's image, mandatory tattoo removal and shaved heads for all players. Don't like it? That's why they invented Canada, the 30% less America America.

1-1 this week in Fantasy Football so I'm sending a death threat out to Donovan McNabb for not being able to hit his two primaries, Reg Brown and Kev Curtis, and yielding me with paltry productivity in the WR column. I try to forget with booze and pills, but it's no use. That, and Marc Bulger forgetting how to throw doomed the Fulton Jews to an 0-1 start in my alleged money league. That's OK, Eli's hurt and I've got a top QB for the poor sap who picked him if he's willing to pay the price. Come to papa.

I'm sending a big death threat, of course, out to Arthur Blank, the architect of the return to glory for the Smith Family who previously owned the team. "Bring back Bartkowski and Hebert!" the people are shouting. People sigh when they reminisce about that charming rascal Rankin.

"Why, that Smith boy took a shine to my sister, Hattie, back in the summer of '28 during the Milton County Fair. I'll never quite forget how she was taken with the idea of having him as a beau."

The blunders are just astonishing in their frequency from the red and black. I thought Rich McKay was a personnel genius. What's going on? The Falcons don't seem to have any particular strength or excitement. Forget about Vick. They have deep problems all over the field. What a mess. Even with him at QB, it's 3-13 this year. With him out, I'm liking their chance for the top draft pick in April.

Also, a death threat to any football announcer who uses the new cliche "in space." This is the football lingo of 2007 to make the speaker sound more like a bonafide NFL insider. "He did a good job of containing the runner in space," I heard several times. This is vanity speak for someone who makes a good defensive move in the open field.

Just an hour after I made the last post, savaging Britney Spears' figure, comes this scolding article from the AP, who are clearly frustrated that their editor doesn't let them write fun stuff like we bloggers do without a care.

Is it fair to savage Britney's figure?

Thanks, for asking, AP. The answer is yes. Entertainment is built on fantasy. No one wants to pay to see 6s and 7s perform. Especially ones who are doing it just for drug money. If a restaurant serves bad cottage cheese, they're gonna get criticized. Same with female entertainers. If you're hot, I'll pay to look at you. Otherwise, what's the point?

I'd like to commemorate September 10th by whining. It's what people were doing a lot of before they woke up the next day. On the 11th, I will be solemn, but the 10th is the day for whining, and I've saved my biggest fattest fatwa for last.

The AJC devoted a huge center chunk of it's front page  and almost an entire inside page to the breaking news that Yogi and Panda's lawyers are doing a swell job pimping for illegal immigration. There was no other news today, except, oh yeah, that Iraq surge report is gonna be a lie when it comes out.

But no case drew more attention than that of VIVA 105.7 FM's "Yogi y Panda." Another Clear Channel morning duo —- 96rock's "Regular Guys" —- secretly taped Yogi and Panda in a bathroom and mocked them on air. Hernan, Taylor & Lee sued. The Regular Guys, whose stance against illegal immigration was a hit with fans, were fired days later.

Hate mail poured into the law firm. "One guy said he hoped we got the Ebola [virus] and died," Taylor said.

I really can't stand this reporter's selective presentation of facts to insinuate that I had anything to do with the hate mail and death threats they received. I have a large and passionate audience. How about the death threats that US citizens along the border receive every day by drug dealers and other opportunistic low-lifes who keep home owners hostage on their own property down there.

I wrote to this jerk.

Brian--

In your puff piece on 9/10 praising the sleazy tactics of the law firm of Hernan, Taylor, and Lee, you neglected to mention that the civil and criminal complaints regarding the bathroom recording of their clients, Juan Tapia and Eduardo Carias (aka, Yogi and Panda), against me and The Regular Guys Show was thrown out of court. The taping and airing of their restroom activities was deemed lawful by the Fulton County DA, and Hernan and Company were not successful in pressing their civil case due in large part to that ruling. Neither case had anything to do with illegal immigration or my on-air stance about it, which was decidedly mixed and fairly presented.

Even after the cases were settled and dismissed, Mr. Hernan knowingly made false statements in a public forum that I had been convicted of a crime that had never been prosecuted, for which he was threatened with sanctions and forced to retract.

While it's true that I was fired from Clear Channel and 96Rock, you may want to note that there was a settlement between Clear Channel and myself, and I came away no worse off then if my contract had simply expired 4 months later. In short, there was no misconduct on my part, yet the mythology continues.

It's a difficult and competitive enough environment in radio today without bearing the burden of the constant omission of what actually happened in that particular case, not to mention the negative innuendo that results when lazy reporters carrying water for a cause fail to report the full story. Richard Jewell was treated better by your paper.

Larry Wachs

His enfeebled, predictable response. 

Larry, I'm sorry you feel our coverage hasn't been fair. And I understand all your points here. But in the context of a story about the law firm, it would simply eat up too much space to describe the full outcome of each case. To do so completely, I would have to get the requisite comment from Taylor saying they had dropped the civil case out of "bigheartedness" (or something like that, I can't remember the exact word he used), then get your take on it. And by the time I've explained all the criminal and civil details, the reader is off on a tangent that really isn't relevant to my story. You'll notice there were several cases mentioned -- that of Fernando Benitez, the day laborers, etc. -- where resolutions weren't explained either. The important point for my story is that these guys are the ones taking these cases on. They win some. They lose some. But getting into the details of each one just wasn't appropriate for this story. That's my take. I hope you understand,

Brian

Yeah, I understand.  YOU HAD ONLY ENOUGH ROOM FOR TWO PAGES OF ASS-KISSING!!! Printing the truth might divert from the shilling for their "Monsters of Anarchy" Tour up and down Buford Highway.

Your figure sucks, too, ya lazy bastard. 

W.I.C. THEATER

Did you see Britney Spears big comeback on the MTV DUI Awards last night? Talk about re-invention! She lip-synced to her new record, "Gimme More," which is the harrowing fable of a young woman who desires as much of the male sex organ as possible, no matter the cost. How fresh! The dead, soulless, cry for help eyes were a nice twist, I thought, and her groggy dancing evoked a tableau of the final minutes of a wonderful romantic evening between a young lady and a stranger with  20 dollar bills in an IGA Supermarket parking lot at 4:47am on a Sunday.

I really liked the part where Harvey Keitel came out dressed as Sport, and told her how much she made him feel like a man while he stroked her hair with his special cocaine finger nail.

But I think Sarah Silverman was mean with her comments. There are children involved, Sarah. Little tiny bastard mongrel children with bright futures if comedians would just stop heckling them for a second.

Let's play a fun game. Can you tell which is Britney out of all these Craigslist prostitutes?

First prize is a nude of Vanessa Hudgens. So is second prize. And third. Get your guess on. Hurry!

CHUPACABRA? OR ONE OF VICK'S DOGS?

Eric Gay / AP Phylis Canion holds the head of what she is calling a chupacabra at her home in Cuero, Texas, on Friday. She found the animal dead outside her ranch and thinks it is responsible for killing many of her chickens.

SONG PARODY TIME!!

Who doesn't like a good song parody?  Raise your hand.

No...I said only raise it if you DON'T like them.

OK. Good. That's everyone.

A former Clear Channel colleague sent me this one. I don't know who did it, and I don't think they want it known publicly that they're consorting with the likes of me anyway.

I added a little something at the end to make it even better.

So here's just what the doctor ordered to lighten the mood on this somber topic. A Mike Vick parody song to the tune of "Beers in Mexico" by that homosexual country singer Kenny Chesney.