House of Wachs

UNLAXING

Look at that, will ya? It's me and my new honey snookums. My new side piece. Me and Mara Davis from DAVE FM gettin' it on at the Funny Farm Comedy Club in Roswello where we were making the social scene for the first time as a couple.

Where's her left arm? Gentlemen don't discuss...but I will.

Nah, you know what? I'm gonna be a gentleman and make this flame last a good long while.

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On the Wachs Water Watch....Due to recent storms in the Johns Creek area, the drought is over as far as I'm concerned. Long onanistic showers are back in vogue amongst the glitterati of the JC.

I attribute this sudden growth in water resources to another thing. The big road signs telling us to save water.

I was driving down GA141 to work one recent rainy morning, and there it was in big bright letters so one could see it through the driving rain.

GA GOVERNOR'S ORDERS. CONSERVE WATER! - % * 7<#

Which is helpful when you're driving, because it reminds you to shut off the faucet in your car.

While conservation is nice and all, I'm a supply-sider by nature, and feel we really need to focus more on making it rain. Government prayer was a great start, don't get me wrong, but I think we should go back to burning trash in the yard and leaded gasoline. It sure rained like fuck back in those days.

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Speaking of resources, I'd like to remind the Shell on P'tree in front of Channel 2, that if you must insist on charging 3.50/gallon for gas, at least put some damn paper in your receipt machine. Or improve your snack and drink offerings to offset the cost of gas.

People don't realize the real benefit of a big retail outlet in front of a gas pump. Lower gas prices. What does Wal-Mart care if they're losing money on their gas? As long as it brings in carloads of giant cheap people willing to stop in the store to gorge themselves on overpriced carbs and buy the 6 packs of jeans and the 100 pack of adult diapers it'll take to contain their output.

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It's Friday night. Winding down. It's Pill Night, of course. A tradition resurrected for my latest go-round with the 4 bells lifestyle. The valium is starting to work, so I better knock out one more observation about my week...let's see...

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Yeah. I almost forgot that today was Leap Day, so I'd like to give a little nod to this rarest of days.

The Leap Year was invented years ago by scientists and calendar officials to adjust our calendars to solar reality. Calendars, it turns out, are just rough estimates of a year, and we seem to lose a couple of hours each year. This can get out of hand pretty fast, as you can guess. If not checked, we'd be having snow in June in most of the country, Summer vacation would be in January, and breakfast would be for dinner.

The Leap Day fixes all that so we have a reliable year with few surprises along the way.

And you know what? I think it's great. I really feel like today was the day that we're all back on track. We're gonna do it now, with hope and change and opportunity.

McFadden and Whitehead! Sing!

"Aiiiiinn't noooo stop pin us noooooowww...WE'RE ON THE MOVE!"

STIM YOU LATER

Congress unveils economic stimulus deal

Oh, that stimulus package. So stimulating. R U stim u l8ed?

I don't think I am. It says here on the packaging:

The full rebate would be limited to individuals earning $75,000 or less and couples with incomes of $150,000 or less, but a partial rebate would go to individuals earning up to $87,000 and couples earning up to $174,000.

If it's based on the tax year just finished in which I was massively underemployed, then I'm eligible. I'll take it for sure, but there's no reason to believe it's going to help the economy.

The very fact that I have to have a pretty unproductive year in order to qualify for a government rebate check is the only evidence needed to show that it's nothing more than taking money out of one pocket and putting it into another. Basic economics right there.

The economy is only stimulated when people and businesses can count on keeping more money in their check each week over the long haul.  What's that? You think a $600 lump sum is gonna get someone to start a business? You couldn't even start an illegal business with that.

I'm going to spend it if I get it, and so will everyone else, but since everything costs more and the dollar is worth less, what's the point? You'd do better if you just filled a few Army transport planes with $150 billion in cash and dropped it over random cities and towns. At least then, the successful people could take their money back by rolling a few lucky crackheads.

In the past several years, I've been offered several jobs. NONE of them came from people earning less than $75,000 a year.

Wait, that's wrong. Three years ago I was approached by a schlepper for an internet radio venture. I agreed to meet for lunch to discuss and was met by two guys of college age, one of whom wore an Army surplus jacket to the event (he was the CEO of the venture), and the other with a nice business ski cap on.

Contract?

"We don't believe in them."

Sales staff?

"Not yet."

Studios?

"Not yet, but a friend is helping us with the equipment which we're getting."

Looks promising. Capital?

"An associate has promised $5 million dollars."

Salary?

"Whatever you need."

When does this start?

"About a month from now."

After some haggling, I got a free hamburger and the chance to leave. Pretty good deal, however no wealth was created on that day.

Abstract economic lesson made concrete. People without a pot to piss in cannot give you a job. People with capital (i.e. wealthy guys with cars and clothes and girls), give them to you so you can go out and one day buy cars and clothes and girls of your own. Show no love to producers of these jobs at your political peril. That's how it works.

Period. End page. Bibliography. New book.

PROTECT YOUR NUT

A colleague emailed me these propheticesque words yesterday:

McCain beats Hillary 53% to 47% in the general election. His victory will come down to Independents who perceive him as a truth-teller compared to the legacy of the Clintons.

I like Romney but the Repubs, when given a choice, will always give it to the next guy in line- and it doesn't hurt that the next guy in line ain't a Mormon.

I fear two things this year. McCain getting the GOP nomination. This will lead to a Hillary Clinton victory in my view. 

So actually, I'm only afraid of one thing. A Clinton victory. At least I've cut my worries by 50%, and it's not even February.

I've already taken some steps to protect myself  in case of such a dire occurence that a known rapist uses his straw wife to get a 3rd term, and none of them include moving to Europe as those cowardly weasels on the left promised back in 2000 and still haven't done, much to virtually everyone's annoyance in America.

I'm going to blackmail my brother, a top surgeon, who has stated to me that he intends to vote this mess into office and even campaign for her/him. I believe his group is Surgeons Against Salaries.

I know a lot about my brother. I have a lot of dirt on him going back to the time when we were 8 and 7, and he came up with the plan to poison the neighborhood retard, a 10 year old who told us he was friends with Hitler. The tard/bully promised that one call would have us both dead by morning.

The point is, I've got a lot of dirt on my brother and I may have to use it to secure free, off-the-grid healthcare for me and my family in perpetuity. I suggest you start keeping tabs on your favorite physician immediately. Hire a PI now, or wait in a year-long line for your prostate bleeding problems later. It's up to you. Economics don't bend to politics.

I'm also looking into being a pot dealer to secure some cash to send off shore. I wouldn't want be a cocaine dealer because they are more violent and ruthless given the nature of the commodity they are peddling. Pot dealers are probably a more friendly bunch given the tranquilizing properties of their product. Still, I'm only in the listening tour stages of my research into this venture.

Then again, I just may rob drug dealers like Omar on The Wire. He makes a pretty good living and can afford to go to the Carribean for vacations, although I would go with a woman.

Now would be a great time to head over to Buford Highway to establish an alternative identity from the many ID providers that have been helping the American-Mexican community for so many years. It comes in handy when you need to drive to work everyday instead of the alternate days that come with an environmentally safe administration.

Another thing that puzzles me is what is it about Mormonism that makes people think America won't vote for one for president. I don't see anything controversial about them.

A Mormon president wouldn't be all hopped up on caffeine like all the others. What's wrong with that? Maybe he'll get more rest and have time to relax and think about the issues more clearly instead of being twitchy from colas and coffee.

I'm voting for Romney in the primary because he's white. Why not?  I think America is ready for a really white president, and Mormons are the whitest of white people.

Romney. He's my wigger!*

_{*Until a Jewish candidate comes along.}

FORWARD THINKING

I want to make it clear that I did not make the classic mistake of celebrating 2008. I merely kissed 2007 goodbye. There's a huge difference.

Here's me last year.

Look at that. FOOL! Celebrating a year that hadn't begun and would prove to suck. Well, no more. I am never again going to celebrate a year I haven't lived yet starting with this one. As far as I'm concerned, the jury is out on 2008. No. The jury hasn't even been seated yet.

And for those of you who stubbornly cling to the idea of celebrating a year at it's beginning, think about this. What if you die this year? You've already gone on record as having endorsed this year as a good one. Dumb. Really dumb.

We went to see some friends in Charleston, SC. I've some cool pictures to post as soon as I can dig the SD card out of the seat cushions in my car.

Their house was on a beautiful private island accessible only by boat to residents and their confirmed guests. Transport on the island is by golf cart or feet. The gimmick here is the closeness and harmony with the environment. Strict building codes and absolutely no retail.

That means, of course, you have to pretty much storyboard your next couple of days before you take a 12-mile boat ride back to civilization just to get to your car. And it's not like you get a discount for regressing so. In fact, all the residents and home owners paid quite the hefty premium for the remoteness and oneness of it all. Environmentalism is so cumbersome, inefficient, almost masochistic. You work your ass off for years to earn all this money and then blow it on a spread where you can watch birds and grass and trees like you can anywhere, but just less comfortably. I don't see it. All that cash to pretend you're a shipwreck survivor.

I like nature, but it's kind of boring after awhile. That's why they have cable channels. They sift through all the nature out there for the good stuff to film and show on TV. That way, you get some nature in ya, and can get some work done. That was the tacit bargain struck centuries ago between the rural and city people. Some of us will need to work in buildings with our minds.

Then I get home and glance at the WSJ which is reeling about the $100 a barrel oil, and how the US economy is in turmoil over this. Yeah, no kidding. Being environmentally friendly is hideously, obscenely expensive. The return on investment is poor. I've read several analyses that say roughly the same thing. We have enough oil in the ground obtainable at current technology to last 100 years at $1 a gallon. Plenty of time for Mother Necessity to help us discover new human sustaining technologies. So let's cut that shit out in '08.

Some good news on the '08 front. Hillary Clinton loses the first round pretty badly. Third place behind John Fagwards and Barack O Carter. You just know she's screaming at someone tonight and making Bill look more and more like a hero for cheating on her. I won't be the first or last with my analysis on this matter, but arguably the clearest. She lost because she's ugly and mean. Nothing anyone can do at this point to change this. She's certainly in it for the long haul because of her money, connections, and willingness to murder, but America will not vote for her. Nice.

On the other hand, if the GOP keeps handing I Hate Huckabee victories in the early going, your pal Wachs may be forced to take a hard look at Ms. Cynthia McKinney with the Green Party. At least with her, she'll do something to get herself impeached, and we can start fresh. Who's her running mate? Bobby Petrino? I'm in.

What else to catch up on? Oh, yeah. I got yelled at by a wedding DJ last week for watching the Patriots/Giants game instead of participating on the dance floor. Look, jackleg. You spin the MP3s and let me worry how to entertain myself. Weddings are for women and their friends. I participated plenty, but weddings end for me when dessert is served.

Even my wife, despite her frenzy to escape her roots and marry into my family fortune, soberly understood the implications for her special day and worked with me in scheduling our wedding for a day when no major sporting events would distract from our union of love. Unfortunately, the SF earthquake of '89 delayed the World Series to our day, but at least we made an effort and that Series sucked and no one cared when it returned.

Beyond that though,  what kind of man tells other men, who are GUESTS, and are ENJOYING THEMSELVES, watching one of the most MEMORABLE FOOTBALL GAMES OF THE DECADE, to stop? John Kerry risked all of his political cred demanding this game be put on three networks as the Constitution says, so we're almost obligated to watch. This DJ must be paid per boogie...or he's a fem.

Saw two movies that have Oscar buzz all over them. Juno was a pleasant disappointment. It came within a pregnant teen's belly hair of being unbearable with dialogue that made "Clerks" seem natural. The soundtrack has convinced me that, from now on,  the word "indie" is to be used as an insult for people who are consciously quirky. Then I saw "No Country For Old Men" which is a good movie with a shitty ending. You will love it and then you will hate it as I did.

Tiffany Fallon was just fired from Celebrity Apprentice. That hurts. I know she still wants me and my brother,  Dr. Mike, in a threesome with me watching from a closet. Now I can't watch her every week. I feel like NBC has done something terribly wrong, and I've emailed them to bring her back and set Omarosa on fire as she deserves. I'd love to see Trump say to her, "You're on fire!"

I swear, as soon as I find a foolproof alibi for the night when Rascal Flatts' bus goes over a cliff due to the brake lines being cut, she will be my next wife. I almost had her several years ago, after I photoshopped a penis on her picture and showed it to Keith Brooking, who believed it was real and immediately broke up with her. But by the time I saw her again, she had already hooked up with the band.

Tiffany was the was the first to get fired, too. Double pain. She failed to make a lot of money selling hot dogs apparently, and Trump admonished her, being a Playmate of the Year and all,  for not calling up Hugh Hefner and asking for $10,000 for a hot dog.

"He's my good friend," says Trump. "He would have done it for charity, my good friend would have. He would have given you $100,000, I'll bet my good friend would have. Did you know I'm good friends with an aging pornographer? You should have called him. He's a friend."

Well, as a friend, you probably know that Hef doesn't give a Tiffany Fallon $100,000 for a charity hot dog unless it's his weiner being wrapped in her buns out of charity for him being 90 and snorting Viagra.

So Trumpy fired her for being too shy and sweet and being too grossed out by Hugh Hefner. All the things that give me a boner, he hates, that Trump. He could never be my good friend.

Much more later, friends.

HURRY UP AND SCREW! SCREW UP AND HURRY!

Here's a story about a 29-year old grandmother in Quad Cities, IA....the person on the right....uhhh, I think.

Look, I'm all in favor of helping cruel stereotyping disappear from our society, but come on, folks. Help out a little, would ya?  What? You have a lake of semen in the backyard?

Russell Eugene is 1 day old.

His mother is 15.

She fidgets with a bottle of milk as she talks.

Then, sitting up straighter in bed, she asks, “When do you think I can play basketball again? I want to go out for the team at school.”

Oy vey!

New vocabulary word: NEVER. It means, "not ever."

Back at home with her mother and brothers, Celia — wearing pajamas and a do-rag that covers her hair — holds the baby. Her tank top shows off two black tattoos on her arms.

One, which winds down her forearm, reads “Tish,” her mom’s nickname. Another, below her shoulder, reads “Manica Magee,” which is the teen’s rap name.

Leticia told the girl she could get inked if she kept her grades up. They went to Chicago to get it done.

“She earned them,” Leticia said, nodding her head.

It's like watching the Munsters where everything horrific is perfectly normal.

"Oh, Herman. Eddie got a D in math, so I let him dig up the graveyard. Isn't that wonderful?"

"HAWHAWHAW...Lilly, that boy is a chip off the old slab...HAWAHAWHAWHAW."

(house shakes, ceiling tiles and dust fall, never to be replaced)

WILL WORK FOR MONEY

An associate of mine called me from his car as he was driving around Los Angeles. I could hear shouting in the background.

"What's that noise?"

"I'm stopped at a light and the writers are protesting."

"Are they protesting you?"

"I'm not sure."

"What are they shouting?"

"4 Cents on a DVD? Are you kidding me?"

All those Hollywood writers, and that's the best they could do?  Wow. Might want to first do a table read next time before hitting the streets, fellas.

If 4 cents per DVD in residuals sucks, then what's good? 5 cents? 50 cents? How many writers are worth even the 4 cents?

Now before this strike gets out of hand and all but guarantees that our favorite TV shows will be gone for awhile, and that every movie next summer will be about exploding robots, I would like all Hollywood and TV people reading this to know something.

It would really be unfair to Americans who depend on Jimmy Kimmel and 30 Rock for sustenance to go without them.

I just want you to know that on "What's Your Story?" I write the whole show. I know it's not long, but bear in mind that I also direct it, I find all the video, I do all the editing, and the swirly computer graphics.

I recorded the theme music in my basement with a full orchestra, which is my hobby.

I bring in the lights and camera from home that I paid for out of my own money.

I'm the real deal, and I'd love to be your scab. If those other guys don't want the job, for whatever reason. I'm happy to take it. 

I even bought my own work clothes.

Email me for my digits.

UM.....NOW WHAT?

Genarlow Wilson is free...to do what now?  What exactly are we celebrating?

He was convicted and sentenced to 10 years in prison for having oral sex with a 15 year-old. He was a minor, too, so according to the prevailing winds, that makes it OK.  Served three years before the bleeding hearts and his attorney named BJ got him out.

Do you think he'll be getting anymore blow jobs from anyone under 18 from now on? It's hard to say. The only real lesson he's seemed to draw from this is that a justice system that seeks to protect naive minors from sexual predation is one to be ridiculed.

What message are the 15 year old girls getting from this outcome? Reporters aren't asking. They are too busy celebrating this great victory over morality.

The news media has framed this case as that of a young black man unfairly hassled by a backward Christian view of morality imposed on all of us forward thinkers, by a troglodyte state that is embarrassing to live in because it's not enlightened like NY and California, places where the cost of living is low, the air is clean, and everyone gets along.

From the AJC:

Wilson, who served nearly three years of a 10-year sentence, may be the most extreme example of a teenager entrapped by the state's regressive sex laws.

As opposed to the progressive sex laws that they have in North Utopia where anyone with pubic hair can partake of sex without any consequence. I've gotta update my Garmin because I can't find it on these maps.

Is it of the Dark Ages to create obstacles for males to get blow jobs from 15 year old girls? 

But Wilson is not the only young offender caught in a maze of draconian sex laws. Many young people are trapped on the state sex offender registry for nonviolent and consensual sex acts as teens.

Kind of a shot in the dark, but wasn't the sex offender registry voted into federal law by almost unanimous margins in both houses of Congress and signed by the President in 1996? Wasn't there ample time to put in a provision to excuse minor horny teens such as Genarlow? We had a president who could empathize.

According to your liberal reporter, our sex laws are not just regressive, but  "draconian," too. Let's make a sentence out of that view but substitute regressive and draconian with their synonyms. Repeat after me.

It is backward and excessive to punish minors for having sex with 15 year olds.

What do you think? Put your politics to the side. I don't care what party you belong to. It's not relevant.

Do you feel comfortable about having your 15 year old give blow jobs? What progress is going to come of that? That's how you got your high-paying job, right?

I've seen the cool and non-confrontational parents hand out the birth control devices. The results have been uniformly awful.

It's just basic. It doesn't take a degree. You could be getting lucky behind the school in lieu of attending class and still understand this. The more a behavior is subsidized, the more of it there will be. In practical terms, giving a birth control device to a minor is also giving them permission to do it more. Go to Vegas and see what your odds of losing are the more you play.

Contrary to pop belief, adulthood is not conferred on minors by encouraging risky behaviors as physical maturity approaches. Adulthood is achieved by learning the art of restraint and self-control. Picking your moments and knowing there will be plenty of chances to shine.

I'm going to side with Draco on this one.

CRY ME A RIVER

Drought, my eye! Yer all wet!

Let's get one thing straight. There is no shortage of water. It's everywhere. I took pictures.

There's some:

And here:

And right behind Frankenstein and his underage girlfriend:

Like oil, this is a politically arranged drought we're having in these parts, and the solution is a drought of government intervention or a wave of military force...in case it doesn't do something crazy like rain.

First off, with regards to the current watering bans: I have found both legal and sordid ways around them and continue to water my law freely. If you get a waiver from your lawn guy that says you've just put down new sod or such, they let you water it. One Jackson later, you've got your letter of waiver and let the wetlands resume. I've also rescued one of Vick's dogs and trained it to eat Fulton County Water officials on sight, so something good came out of that other Fulton County debacle.

Where you see a brown lawn, I see a white flag. It's the sign of capitulation, not of good citizenship, as has been characterized by numerous articles and letters to the editor from the "common gooders" chorus. And short of a hard shut-off from the water company, my showers will end when I have finished examining myself for cancers of the intimate places. Hell, it takes probably 4 gallons alone just to get the hot water and soap going. And just see what happens to your facilities, water czars, when you shut off thousands of angry people by government edict. I have been known to hurt people if I don't get my coffee and a shower.

A brown lawn is the sign of failure. You've paid hundreds of thousands for a home and a small patch of land so you can grow a few tomatoes, your dog can take a shit, and your kids can throw up when they come home from the prom. The American Dream. And after all that work and investment into the biggest asset most of you will ever own, you can't sprinkle a few gallons of water on it everyday? Why? So a mollusk in Florida can stay alive? Is this mollusk delicious in garlic and butter? Then either build a theme park around it and charge admission, or get rid of 'em!

Now Governor, and Top Aquatic Supervisor for the State of GA, Sonny, warns that we will run out of water in January. I doubt that highly. It's going to rain eventually. We don't live in a desert. Last I checked, a case of bottled water cost a third less per gallon than it's gasoline equivalent. The tap water you get is priced at a few pennies a gallon. There is no shortage of water. The shortage is in the bottlenecked delivery system monopolized by the state. Can someone at least entertain me with a stab at a practical reason why we can choose our gas, cell phone, TV, food, and internet providers now, but not our water or electricity providers?

Gee, which of the above staples of everyday life has routine outages and shortages? Food? Not even in a snow storm. TV? Have you seen your waistline lately?

Logically, the shortage is man-made, and voila! It is. The federal government mandates that we share the Chattahoochee and other resources in Georgia with Alabama and Florida, and they're just hooting and hollering down there, watering whenever they please, while we sit indoors watching expensive lawn care go up in smoke, so gullible in our belief that these are such unique and tough meteorological times that we must...(bite my lip and sniffle)....sacrifice for the greater good (i.e. Florida and their rare mollusk collection).

Well, to put it politely, FUCK THAT. Now this is a civil war I can get behind.

We have it. If they don't, they should find their own damn rivers and lakes. I know they have them because I've been to them. It rains there, too. And they've got way more ocean access than we do, so start de-salinating, Sal. What's the problem?

I'll tell you confederates what. If you really want to have a genuine Georgia vs. Florida fight where you can beat the hell out of one another, put down that pussy college football, and I'll join you. And so you won't miss a minute of the fun and excitement of a real Georgia-Florida tiff, I'll supply the cocktails during the war. The NWC, the New Water Confederacy, will make military history by being the first warring unit ever to have a full bar.

You gotta fight for your right to DRINK!!!

BORN TO RUN AWAY

A Minnesota woman, Jammin' Jammie Thomas, was caught in the illegal download tuna nets and ordered to pay the recording industry $222,000 for 24 songs. They were that good and rare. Now the internets are safe for the rest of us. Come on, you stupid cow. Is it still 1999 in Minnesota? Jesus.

Here's the problem. The recording industry is run by people, mostly Jewish, who care a lot about money and not as much about recorded music. Don't get me wrong. Jews not only love, but are uniquely gifted in the art of recorded entertainment. Neil Diamond. End of story. Jews simply like money more than music. Which is OK. Yay, money! Yay, Jews!

The problem for these record label people is now no one needs them, so they must resort to desperate measures such as suing people who don't want to do business with them, which makes all Jews look like petty thieves. So, on behalf of all Jews who are rightfully embarrassed by the stereotypical behavior of the record companies, I dedicate this to you.

Why don't you start your own live tour company or something? The recordings are all going to be free very soon because Radiohead and others have just smashed the pricing structure with their hippy-dippy honor system. You can't beat free. No, I won't be spending anything for the new Radiohead album. Why  should I? I don't know if the songs are any good yet. I don't even know who Radiohead is. But it's free.

I also hope that more artists will start acting a little more humble now that technology has forced them to actually do physical labor for a living by touring. Like that overbearing longshoreman bore, Bruce Springsteen. He was spouting off on 60 Minutes and the Today Show again about his stale political views and how it's patriotic to be against everything that America does. He makes Bono look like Rihanna.

BILL A RIGHTS, HOLLA!

"This is a song called 'Living In The Future,' but it's really about what's happening now, right now. It's kind of about how the things that we love about America: the cheeseburgers, french fries, the Yankees batting in Boston.....But over the past six years we've had to add to the American picture: rendition, illegal wiretapping, voter suppression, no habeas corpus, the neglect of our great city New Orleans and the people, an attack on the Constitution ....."

Yeah, that's why America has been such a beacon to the world for hundreds of years. The burgers and the fries. Bush has really kept us from enjoying them what with his illegal wiretaps and voter suppression. Who can eat American food in such an atmosphere? I'm turning orange from all the carrots I'm eating while wondering if my phone is tapped.

Hey, Fonzie, get an update already!  I guess Bruce's busy schedule working construction and attending meetings at the union hall keeps him from getting a fuller picture of the news.

What happened to rock stars who like to have fun and break things? Bruce is all, "We should give more money to the government and, marry homely girls, and mope around because some black guy didn't get a high-paying job and went to war."

Piss off. I'm going to download and listen to Hinder beat up a chick.

A CHANGE WILL DO YOU GOOD

Biggest chuckle of the day: Going to my new job that Rodney Ho is not impressed at all with, I saw a guy pulled over on Buford Highway for speeding by a DeKalb County cop, and he was stopped right in front of a convenience store whose parking lot was the scene of a huge gathering of illegals looking for work. That would just kill my whole day. I'd go back to bed and cut my losses.

That's entrepeneurial justice right there. What will get the county the most money while expending the least amount of energy? Right? Wrong? What does that have to do with it? There's no money in expelling illegals these days from a DeKalb QT parking lot. Only headaches. And I promise that the City of Roswell will never see the $70 I've owed them for their red light cameras for the past 4 months no matter how much they kvetch. Get used to it. They'll only use it for liquor.

Second biggest chuckle: Rodney Ho asking me to describe my new job and saying "that's weird" after I did. It's not weird. It's unique and in it's infancy. You're not used to it. Neither am I. So, it could be a great new thing or a colossal screw-up. That's the fun of "change." You don't know how it's gonna turn out. Anyway, the promos should be online by week's end, and you'll make your own judgements.

Third biggest chuckle: The ironic possibility of being booked as a guest on a local morning show to promote the internet TV show. I'll bet no one in town has the guts to do it even though they all privately want me on their stations.

Now, a little glance at NEEEWWWSSS!

Bad Atlanta bridge riles baseball legend Hank Aaron

Former Major League Baseball home run king Hank Aaron says he'd like the city of Atlanta to do better by him and his neighbors.

This dilapidated bridge is located on Adams Drive just down the street from the home of former Major League Baseball king Hank Aaron. The cordoned-off area has become a favorite hangout spot for bored youths, Aaron maintains. The city acknowledges there's a problem, but says it doesn't have enough money to fix things anytime soon.

"It's just been one thing after another," said Aaron, whose 755 career home runs stood as baseball's benchmark until Barry Bonds surpassed it this summer. "[The bridge] has been downgraded to almost nothing really. The sad thing is, when I first moved here, [Adams Drive] was probably one of the prettiest streets we had."

My question is, why is Home Run King and Living Legend Hank Aaron living in such a shitty neighborhood? You'd think he'd move to a new pad by now instead of putting up with bored youths, broken bridges, and all the problems that dovetail from that.

Hank Aaron must be broke if he'll risk putting his address in the paper to get a bridge fixed. That's what's weird Rodney. He's in the Hall of Fame and has a BMW dealership.

Where are all the righteous dudes who say that Hank rules and Bonds is rotten? You'd think they'd help a victim out. At least Hank gets plenty of valuable lip service. I'll be at his home bright and early with a box of new baseballs to sign.