House of Wachs

WEEK IN THE REAR VIEW 3/8/08

Rapper Juvenile 'devastated' over Gwinnett triple slayings

A teenage gunman allegedly shot and killed the New Orleans rapper's daughter Thursday along with her Sheriff's Deputy mother and older sister in their Lawrenceville, Georgia home, authorities have confirmed.

The victims--39-year-old Joy Deleston and her two daughters, 11-year-old Micaiah, and 4-year-old Jelani—were gunned down by Deleston's 17-year-old son, Anthony Tyrone Terrell.  Jelani was the daughter of Juvenile.

Police discovered the bodies in the residence on Thursday and took Terrell into custody Friday, booking him on three counts of murder and three counts of aggravated assault after he pointed them to the location of the gun he allegedly used in the slayings.  Detectives do not yet have a motive.

Per the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Deleston gave birth to Jelani back in 2004 and subsequently filed a paternity suit against the hip-hopster claiming he was the father.  The two sides eventually settled the case amicably with Juvenile acknowledging he was the father and agreeing to pay child support.

Maybe if Juvenile took responsiblity, actually fathered the children, instead of being forced by the courts to pay off the woman, he wouldn't be grieving..if he is. That's not support. That's bribery. Court-ordered guilt payments.

I was recently watching Def Comedy Jam where African-Americans chortle in delight as other African-Americans point out how backward they are. One woman was doing a routine about how she don’t want nothing to do with her boyfriend's kids. She was with him for one reason and one reason only. She need her some.

WHOOOOOOOOO!!! HOT DAMN!!! hooted the audience. You go girl. You don't need no man kids. Nu-uh.

I thought it was funny and sad. People in the audience howling at their own demise.

Usually it’s the woman who has the kids, and when this attitude is combined with the lethality of the frustrated, itinerant male, the results are about what you'd see in Gwinnett in the case of Juvenile, the naive and ludicrous rapper.

Clayton school board member quits hours before crucial meeting

I wonder if the outraged teen-aged parents and 30-something grandparents down in Clayton County can spell "accreditation." Well, they have no one to blame but themselves for the mess they find themselves in vis a vis the school board and it's inability to get it's schools certified by the obnoxiously low standards of the government.

They should protest themselves for being so severely lacking in judgment that they let thieves and incompetents play political games with their children's lives. How come neighboring counties don't have this problem? They elect from the same pool of bureaucratic idiots. Oh, yeah, they have good bureaucrats in Henry County.

I think that Clayton County is now officially run by tribes and warlords. Send in a surge.

Kid Rock Pleads NG in Waffle House assault case

I can't help but wonder what Kid Rock's life insurance premiums are like? I just got rejected for some life insurance due to some cancer on face. It was excised 100% but the insurance company said, "No. More money."

Kid Rock gets into Waffle House fist fights, apparently eats there a bunch, smokes cigarettes, and was dating that hepatitis case for awhile. I'd be pissed if he has life insurance at a reasonable rate.

I will say this though. Kid Rock, you have re-asserted yourself as the King of Dirt. You are the capo di tutti trash. You have embraced your inner redneck. I think I speak for all Waffle House customers when I say that getting arrested at Waffle House is a very cool move.

Kid Rock won't make the Fonzie mistake. If you're gonna put on a leather jacket, you best be backing it up with a good kick in Jose's teeth when he doesn't pay his cock-fighting debts. When you put on a wife-beater, it's not the time to look for a cure for breast cancer. Respect the shirt, boy.

It's a fact. America loves a filthy, unrepentant cracker, especially one that is willing to sacrifice his good name for a more authentic music listening experience. Without Kid Rock getting himself arrested at Waffle House, you might as well be listening to Fall Out Boy.

Steinem says McCain's POW status is overrated.

Gloria Steinem is so penis envious it's insane. If you said to her tomorrow, I can give you the penis you always wanted but it's John McCain's dried up shooter, she'd lunge for it.

POW is what they call Gloria's dates...Prisoner Of Witch.

Gay-marriage foes face tough questions from California high court

Guess which headline writer is in favor of gay marriage?

Yeah, the foes of gay marrage are facing the tough questions because they only have the law since the beginning of time on their side. It's a tough case to make.

It's the people who want to re-engineer society that will have the easy questions.

Dungeons & Dragons Co-Creator Dies at 69

That would be one Mr. Gary Gygax, as middle schools across the land flew their flags at half mast in honor of him. How many did he help to extend their virginity well into their 20s, and save society from so many unwanted pregnancies?

Former starting QB Harrington released by Falcons

See that Falcons fans? You don't have to kill a single dog to get released. Just suck.

Actually with his O-line and surrounded by such immense talents such as Alge Crumpler and Roddy White and Warrick Dunn, he wasn't given much of a chance.

But the Falcons have brought in this guy from the Unsentimental Patriots and it seems there is no time for the reeaissance of Joey. Now we have Chris Redman as the front runner for ATL QB pending further unsentimentality.

In less than one year, the Falcons QB position has gone from foolish black man to Chris Redman.

Men who do housework may get more sex

Like sex with your wife is some big whoop reward. My wife didn't even reward me for getting my new high-paying radio job. Now all of a sudden she'll be in heat because I picked up a throw pillow? Hip-hopper, please!

The report, released Thursday by the Council on Contemporary Families...

What crypto feminazi douchebag propaganda machine is this, and what kind of mythological world do they think we live in where men sit around all day and do nothing...and yet the bills get paid?

The shocking part is not the story, but the fact that every TV, radio, and news outlet in America had it featured prominently for a whole news cycle. There must be reporters who actually report somewhere, but I guess budget cuts in the media have made them rarer. The only real reporting we get these days is from the crews who follow Britney Gash and Paris Slutson around.

They really earn their paycheck, which is not to imply that they are actually pitching in around the house just because they went out and earned.

AN IGNORANT WORK OF BREATHTAKING GENIUS

There are times when I just have to sit and catch my breath, freshly snatched from my bosom by the sheer genius I've just exhibited.

I am a college dropout, and that's a flattering way of describing my education. In reality, I dropped out in 8th grade. Mentally. I attended 4 more years, and received a diploma, but that's due to low standards and not high achievement.

So there's my daughter, wailing about how she is doomed to a life of dead end jobs and bad men because she can't figure out her advanced trigogeoalchemy for her finals, and her only lifelines are as ignorant as stumps when it comes to anything more advanced than square roots.

"Perhaps I can help," said Daddy in a manner suggesting that I've given Halliburton oil drilling advice in the past.

I might as well have asked her if she would consider rubbing fungus cream on my feet.

"YOU DON'T KNOW THIS!" she screamed. "HOW ARE YOU GOING TO HELP ME? GO AWAY!"

"Lar, just..." said my wife. That's code for "you're a moron who doesn't know shit and will only worsen the problem so transport yourself several hundred feet, if not miles, from this room."

Well, the odds were clearly against Wachs, I must say. If I had any hope of doing the things I enjoy doing upstairs in peace today, then I had to solve this problem fast.

I went upstairs to listen to "Holding Out For a Hero."

Came back down.

"Sometimes I go nuts like that when the checkbook won't balance."

The kid looked at me like I had just urinated on the floor.

"What ya gotta do is go back to the beginning of the problem and check the assumptions on all your functions or operations or whatever. Then you'll find the answer."

"YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST GO AWAY. THAT IS NOT HELPING ME AND I'VE GOT TO DO THIS!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!"

OK. Sounds good. Back up the steps.

Top of the steps and I hear:

"...ooooohhh. I'm such a tard. It was staring me in the face. Why'd I do that?"

Yep.

HURRY UP AND SCREW! SCREW UP AND HURRY!

Here's a story about a 29-year old grandmother in Quad Cities, IA....the person on the right....uhhh, I think.

Look, I'm all in favor of helping cruel stereotyping disappear from our society, but come on, folks. Help out a little, would ya?  What? You have a lake of semen in the backyard?

Russell Eugene is 1 day old.

His mother is 15.

She fidgets with a bottle of milk as she talks.

Then, sitting up straighter in bed, she asks, “When do you think I can play basketball again? I want to go out for the team at school.”

Oy vey!

New vocabulary word: NEVER. It means, "not ever."

Back at home with her mother and brothers, Celia — wearing pajamas and a do-rag that covers her hair — holds the baby. Her tank top shows off two black tattoos on her arms.

One, which winds down her forearm, reads “Tish,” her mom’s nickname. Another, below her shoulder, reads “Manica Magee,” which is the teen’s rap name.

Leticia told the girl she could get inked if she kept her grades up. They went to Chicago to get it done.

“She earned them,” Leticia said, nodding her head.

It's like watching the Munsters where everything horrific is perfectly normal.

"Oh, Herman. Eddie got a D in math, so I let him dig up the graveyard. Isn't that wonderful?"

"HAWHAWHAW...Lilly, that boy is a chip off the old slab...HAWAHAWHAWHAW."

(house shakes, ceiling tiles and dust fall, never to be replaced)

DIVERSE DISCRIMINATION

International Night at my daughter's school. I tell my girls it won't be fun. They don't listen.

First, we get there late and miss the International Foods Bazaar featuring homemade, indigenous treats, and I'm hungry. So hungry I almost ate 2 hour old unregulated Ethiopian food right out of some lady's crockpot.

It looked iffy, so I exercised restraint and went to a vending machine. There was a commotion around the corner. The International Rainbow of Diversity stage show was about to begin.

The show docket has the place buzzing. International dancing by the children and a lecture about the religion of Diversity by Bill Nigut! Who knew America was such a wonderful place? Everywhere around the world. They comin' to America!

Bill was a reporter for Channel 2 locally for a long time, and I've had him on my radio show. He at first strikes you as a nice guy, and there is no doubt in my mind that he is well-intentioned and means no harm. But the reality is that he wears thin after repeated meetings as he reveals himself to be the stereotypically dingy, guilt-ridden, uptight, Jewish liberal amongst whom I grew up, but without a well-developed humor gene.

He came to preach to us how race is not a big deal, but, it's A BIG DEAL!!!!!!

Due to the doctrines of Diversity, the seating is Who Concert style. Whose bright idea was it to make a restless crowd, filled with people from cultures where pushing and shoving are the norm, wait outside locked doors for 20 minutes? Of course, once inside, despite an obvious 2-1 ratio of people to seats, many feel it necessary to save seats for their same-skinded friends so they can sit together and learn about Diversity. We're packed in like political prisoners in a soccer stadium awaiting re-education. The hectoring begins only 25 minutes late, which is on time in the DPT (Diverse People's Time).

"I used to be on TV news for many years," Mr. Nigut, the Troy McClure of political correctness, tells the fidgety audience dressed in their hot, uncomfortable, and stupid looking native attire. "But it wasn't enough. I wanted to make MORE of a difference."

I guess he was frustrated in TV because of all those damn conservatives he worked with in the news room. Must have been hell, Bill.

How do you make more of a difference? Act crazier? I don't see any other way short of running for office. Bill is not running for office. He's running a guilt museum in Atlanta now and giving speeches to gullible school children about their skin color. He might as well molest them for all the good he's doing them.

"Let me tell you,  9/11 changed the world forever," he says.

This 9/11 of which you speak. Tell me more.

According to Bill, 9/11 was bad. But it was bad because it made the world more suspicious of Muslims.

OK. no. yeah. but. wait. like. and. such as. anyway. What about the Trade Center and all that?

"The vast majority......" he begins.

That's all I hear. I'm frying at this obnoxious waste of tax dollars.

The asininity of this idea is so profound that it should be a candidate for the first free speech to be made illegal. How does a guy get so selfish that he will roll his entire country under the bus so he can be viewed as a moral paragon? Then this ass-kissing coward stands there and basks in the applause from all the Islamics in the audience who saved seats to be near each other and talk in another tongue.

But it's NOT ENOUGH! Always seeking to make more of a difference,  Bill then leads this great, blatant, pandering cheer where he mentions every religion and geo-political skin tone he can think of and exhorts each minority group to cheer for itself.

And that's when I took the last hinge off this fragile jerk's door without saying a word.

He continues his apologetic speech. "Ya see, I grew up in an all-white school..."

I clapped a lame little clap. Yay!  My turn to be special.

This makes Bill stop. He turns and points in the general area of where I'm sitting. He's upset at this non-consensual race-cheering.

"Ya know, if that's your thought process, I don't want you in here," he scolds. So much for diversity of opinion...and to hell with humor. Hey, this was fun, Bill.

My wife digs her heel into my foot.

"You're starting a race riot in here." she hisses. And my foot is the brake?

So with everyone--Bill, the audience, me, and my family--all in agreement,  we cut out of the Remains of the International Day and head to our favorite Indian restaurant where they treat us like goddamn royalty.

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH GIVING THEM 60 LASHES AND HANGING THEM IF WE FIND THEM

In the strongest showing yet of American collegiate intellectual superiority, Iranian President Borat Ahmadinejad read excerpts from the Daily Kos and the DNC website to the busy and useful minds at Columbia University Monday. I thought the speech was terrific although it would have been nice if someone sliced his head open while he was on stage.

Here he is claiming that Iran has no homosexuals. 

Laughter. Maybe it's more effective than weapons, don't you agree?

Ahmadinejad went on to tell the adoring crowd that they didn't have any Jews, shvartzes, retards or gypsies in Iran either, so it's not a problem. Women are revered. In fact, his sister is the #4 prostitute in all of Iran. Stop worrying so much! The important thing is that America is evil and so is Bush, and when I'm your president, everything will be better.

OK, dilemma. You're an Ivy League student and kind of a pussy liberal. You hate Bush. Ahmadinejad hates Bush, too. But Ahmadinejad hates homosexuals. You like homosexuals. Heck, you might even be one yourself. What do you do?

It's a tough one. Let me help you.

You see, I'm Jewish and recently, I was confronted with an offer for free pork salami by a nutty, crazy friend. What a choice!

On one hand, it's free. I like that.

But, it's also a pork product. Pork products can be dangerous and therefore are not an approved food for Jews.

Don't taze me, bro, but I chose to eat the pork salami. Why? It was free. And getting something for nothing makes me feel good about myself and my heritage.

So it comes down what you like more. Homosexuals or your own sense of intellectual superiority over the ordinary Americans that voted for Bush. You may lose the respect of homosexuals, but there's plenty of them. Where are they gonna go? Iran? They don't have ANY! Remember? Who would they hook up with over there?

I think the choice is clear. Defeat Bush. Swallow Ahmadinejad's salami.

THE VACANCY

Feeling superior? View this. This is Miss Teen South Carolina 2007 answering a question from a judge on NBC over the weekend.

Let's take a quick quiz now on what we've just seen.

Q: Recent polls have shown 1/5 of Americans can't locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?

A. 1/5 of Americans have the brains of an eggplant.

B. Our schools are underfunded.

C. I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as and. I believe that they should, uh, our education over here, in the US should help the US, or uh, should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children.

The correct answer is C.

Apparently, there is a PLANET South Carolina as well as a state, and I did not know that.

Really, let's just be generous in this time of need and have federal biologists come down and reclassify her as a flower. She looks pretty, probably smells sweet. Someone will pollinate her and it goes on and on and on.

Don't stop believin' and keep those rims shiny, folks!

---

UPDATE: She's on the Today Show Tuesday morning getting a second crack at the question. Actually, I thought she did a great job explaining how we have no maps because they were sent to The Iraq and The South Africa, so The US has none. Nonetheless, HOW will be taping and analyzing on tomorrow's show.

---

UPDATE ON UPDATE:

I'm wondering if listening to what she's saying makes me a loser. Hmmm. I think it does. I should be setting my alarm for 7am and preparing my special towel to lay on when the Today Show comes on.

OK, thanks.

Carry on.

COMMITMENT TO EXCELLENCE

I'll admit I committed a crime today by stealing a neighbor's paper, but I don't think it should be addressed or punished by the legal system. Here's what happened:

I hopped into my car to go to get something to eat and I was starving. Literally. I had just run for 45 minutes in the heat, and after 35 minutes of getting cleaned up and inspecting myself, I could feel my body cannabilizing it's own lean muscle mass. Mouth is alive, all running inside, and I'm hungry like the wolf.

Here's the thing about me and hunger. I will kill, if need be, to get a meal. Not that I need to, but I am prepared to take another person's life if they stand between me and a meal that I think I must have.

I was a little crazed with hunger and forgot to bring along a paper to read which is a must for me. I do not enjoy chewing and staring at walls or talking to people. It's not pretty when I eat, especially when famished, and I'm very self-conscious about it, so I like to have some sort of publication to hide behind when push comes to chew.

Interestingly, this doesn't apply to video distractions. I do not enjoy eating while watching TV/video/internet because my chewing disrupts the dialogue or I have to pause the eating to click on something.

OK, so I'm crazy hungry and without literature. I decided to take the first newspaper I see in a neighbor's driveway. After all, it was almost 2pm, and at that point, if you haven't read the paper, you're not gonna.

I don't think I drove but 2/10ths of a mile before the perfect situation presented itself. Not only did this household have today's AJC yellowing in the summer heat of the driveway, but SUNDAY'S NEWSPAPER was still out in it's wrapper!!

Drove up to it, opened the door, hauled today's paper into the car, drove off in a hurry, almost colliding with a school bus traveling on the correct side of the street. Went to rustle up some chow.

In an article from this ill-gotten edition comes a mean-spirited nugget from the editors. Today being back to school for a lot of Metro Atlanta counties, they made a list of the dropout rates for high schools in northside counties.

Very little of it surprising, except for DeKalb County where the average dropout rate at the 21 schools listed was just over 30%. I expected higher. But within the list for DeKalb was this...

Now, DeKalb is one of America's wackiest counties, for sure, what with it being a part of Cynthia McKinney's former district, the Sheriff-elect there getting assassinated by the guy he beat in the election, the County Executive behaving more like Fred Williamson than a duly elected leader, and the interest in re-opening the Wayne Williams child murders over 20 years after the book had closed, just to name a few of the higher profile goings-on in the past few years. Gwinnett has made an impressive stab at the title what with the Runaway Bride and the Mansion Madame, but those were the crimes of the well-to-do, and on a day-to-day, street by street basis, Gwinnett is not nearly as insane as Dekalb. Dekalb is almost a leper colony.

So they really don't need the local insane asylum included in their listings of high school dropout rates. That's just piling on. They've got enough problems, and I don't even think a well-run county such as Cobb or Cherokee would be able to get one of these psychos to graduate, either. I don't even think it's a good idea for psychos to get diplomas. As I wrote in my children's book, "If You Give A Psycho A Diploma..."

If you give a psycho a diploma....

they will want a job......

...and if you give him a job....

....he will rape all the women and shoot all the men.

Belly sated, sanity returning, I felt remorse and started thinking of my crime today. I'm not a psycho. I want a job. I am a good worker. I deserve a job.

I put the paper back into order and rolled it into the original plastic baggie and tossed it back into the driveway from whence it came.

You can't tell the difference. No one but Jesus knows and he is very forgiving. No harm, no foul play, I say.

SINES

The standards, they are a slippin.'

(DOT sign currently posted in front of Atlanta Athletic Club facing southbound drivers on GA141.)

This practice will begine soon. Disobears will be tikitid. That is all, citisins.

MYSTERIES OF THE ORIENT

One thing about The Regular Guys Nation of Listeners, they never hesitate to point out the foibles of other cultures.

Here's a recent email from an outraged listener who refers to his/herself as Ricochet Rabbit.

To the number one Red Sea Pedestrian,

Like I said, I'm not one to stereotype, but why is it so goddamned hard for asian people to correctly pronounce the letter "L"? It's always pronounced as an "R". Why do you think that is?

Probably the same reason it's so goddamn hard for you to pronounce half the sounds in their language. You don't know them. I'd wager any American visiting China would engender far more laughs from the natives than some Chinese dude wishing everyone a Holly Jolly Xmas in this country. They most likely don't have an "L" sound in their language, else they'd be able to hit it. Same reason a lot of Mexicans make the "J" sound like a "H." That's what they know.

Having said that, this picture is worthy of American-style hootery and derision, and I'd certainly consider beating up the signmaker and kicking him out of the country for displaying it.

It's a bird, it's a plane...No, it's a bumper sticker!

At the light, the bumper sticker in front of me says, "I HAVE A SUPER KID AT BIG CREEK ELEMENTARY."

I highly doubt that.

While there is a chance that this loser's child is the best of a mediocre crop, how's Super Kid do outside of Big Creek Elementary? If your kid was that super, it'd be on TV, not stuck at a school named after a generic body of water.

"I PARK MY AVERAGE CHILD AT BIG CREEK GOVERNMENT INDOCTRINATION CENTER." More like it.

If I had a super kid--and I think I do, although she and I aren't prepared to make a bold statement yet on the back of my F-150--I'd at least get their name out. "I have a super kid." Did you steal him? Is this a bumper sticker or a ransom note? It's all about you, ain't it?

The back of my car reads: "MY BUMPER IS BETTER THAN YOUR KID AT BIG CREEK ELEMENTARY."