House of Wachs

WEEK IN THE REAR VIEW 3/8/08

Rapper Juvenile 'devastated' over Gwinnett triple slayings

A teenage gunman allegedly shot and killed the New Orleans rapper's daughter Thursday along with her Sheriff's Deputy mother and older sister in their Lawrenceville, Georgia home, authorities have confirmed.

The victims--39-year-old Joy Deleston and her two daughters, 11-year-old Micaiah, and 4-year-old Jelani—were gunned down by Deleston's 17-year-old son, Anthony Tyrone Terrell.  Jelani was the daughter of Juvenile.

Police discovered the bodies in the residence on Thursday and took Terrell into custody Friday, booking him on three counts of murder and three counts of aggravated assault after he pointed them to the location of the gun he allegedly used in the slayings.  Detectives do not yet have a motive.

Per the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Deleston gave birth to Jelani back in 2004 and subsequently filed a paternity suit against the hip-hopster claiming he was the father.  The two sides eventually settled the case amicably with Juvenile acknowledging he was the father and agreeing to pay child support.

Maybe if Juvenile took responsiblity, actually fathered the children, instead of being forced by the courts to pay off the woman, he wouldn't be grieving..if he is. That's not support. That's bribery. Court-ordered guilt payments.

I was recently watching Def Comedy Jam where African-Americans chortle in delight as other African-Americans point out how backward they are. One woman was doing a routine about how she don’t want nothing to do with her boyfriend's kids. She was with him for one reason and one reason only. She need her some.

WHOOOOOOOOO!!! HOT DAMN!!! hooted the audience. You go girl. You don't need no man kids. Nu-uh.

I thought it was funny and sad. People in the audience howling at their own demise.

Usually it’s the woman who has the kids, and when this attitude is combined with the lethality of the frustrated, itinerant male, the results are about what you'd see in Gwinnett in the case of Juvenile, the naive and ludicrous rapper.

Clayton school board member quits hours before crucial meeting

I wonder if the outraged teen-aged parents and 30-something grandparents down in Clayton County can spell "accreditation." Well, they have no one to blame but themselves for the mess they find themselves in vis a vis the school board and it's inability to get it's schools certified by the obnoxiously low standards of the government.

They should protest themselves for being so severely lacking in judgment that they let thieves and incompetents play political games with their children's lives. How come neighboring counties don't have this problem? They elect from the same pool of bureaucratic idiots. Oh, yeah, they have good bureaucrats in Henry County.

I think that Clayton County is now officially run by tribes and warlords. Send in a surge.

Kid Rock Pleads NG in Waffle House assault case

I can't help but wonder what Kid Rock's life insurance premiums are like? I just got rejected for some life insurance due to some cancer on face. It was excised 100% but the insurance company said, "No. More money."

Kid Rock gets into Waffle House fist fights, apparently eats there a bunch, smokes cigarettes, and was dating that hepatitis case for awhile. I'd be pissed if he has life insurance at a reasonable rate.

I will say this though. Kid Rock, you have re-asserted yourself as the King of Dirt. You are the capo di tutti trash. You have embraced your inner redneck. I think I speak for all Waffle House customers when I say that getting arrested at Waffle House is a very cool move.

Kid Rock won't make the Fonzie mistake. If you're gonna put on a leather jacket, you best be backing it up with a good kick in Jose's teeth when he doesn't pay his cock-fighting debts. When you put on a wife-beater, it's not the time to look for a cure for breast cancer. Respect the shirt, boy.

It's a fact. America loves a filthy, unrepentant cracker, especially one that is willing to sacrifice his good name for a more authentic music listening experience. Without Kid Rock getting himself arrested at Waffle House, you might as well be listening to Fall Out Boy.

Steinem says McCain's POW status is overrated.

Gloria Steinem is so penis envious it's insane. If you said to her tomorrow, I can give you the penis you always wanted but it's John McCain's dried up shooter, she'd lunge for it.

POW is what they call Gloria's dates...Prisoner Of Witch.

Gay-marriage foes face tough questions from California high court

Guess which headline writer is in favor of gay marriage?

Yeah, the foes of gay marrage are facing the tough questions because they only have the law since the beginning of time on their side. It's a tough case to make.

It's the people who want to re-engineer society that will have the easy questions.

Dungeons & Dragons Co-Creator Dies at 69

That would be one Mr. Gary Gygax, as middle schools across the land flew their flags at half mast in honor of him. How many did he help to extend their virginity well into their 20s, and save society from so many unwanted pregnancies?

Former starting QB Harrington released by Falcons

See that Falcons fans? You don't have to kill a single dog to get released. Just suck.

Actually with his O-line and surrounded by such immense talents such as Alge Crumpler and Roddy White and Warrick Dunn, he wasn't given much of a chance.

But the Falcons have brought in this guy from the Unsentimental Patriots and it seems there is no time for the reeaissance of Joey. Now we have Chris Redman as the front runner for ATL QB pending further unsentimentality.

In less than one year, the Falcons QB position has gone from foolish black man to Chris Redman.

Men who do housework may get more sex

Like sex with your wife is some big whoop reward. My wife didn't even reward me for getting my new high-paying radio job. Now all of a sudden she'll be in heat because I picked up a throw pillow? Hip-hopper, please!

The report, released Thursday by the Council on Contemporary Families...

What crypto feminazi douchebag propaganda machine is this, and what kind of mythological world do they think we live in where men sit around all day and do nothing...and yet the bills get paid?

The shocking part is not the story, but the fact that every TV, radio, and news outlet in America had it featured prominently for a whole news cycle. There must be reporters who actually report somewhere, but I guess budget cuts in the media have made them rarer. The only real reporting we get these days is from the crews who follow Britney Gash and Paris Slutson around.

They really earn their paycheck, which is not to imply that they are actually pitching in around the house just because they went out and earned.

OOPS! AGAIN

Britney Spears' 16-year old sister is knocked up. Words fail. Let me gather myself.

Lynne Spears, already grandmother to Britney's young sons, says: "I didn't believe it because Jamie Lynn's always been so conscientious. She's never late for her curfew."

How about her period? Any opinion on that?

There's your problem source right there. The mom who is under the impression that kids won't screw before 10pm. Then she wonders why her daughters treat their parts like a Greek diner.

OK, enough. I'm saving the rest of my comments for this week's year-end episode of What's Your Story taping tomorrow and streaming on Friday.

"So if you shave your head, I have to get pregnant?"

HURRY UP AND SCREW! SCREW UP AND HURRY!

Here's a story about a 29-year old grandmother in Quad Cities, IA....the person on the right....uhhh, I think.

Look, I'm all in favor of helping cruel stereotyping disappear from our society, but come on, folks. Help out a little, would ya?  What? You have a lake of semen in the backyard?

Russell Eugene is 1 day old.

His mother is 15.

She fidgets with a bottle of milk as she talks.

Then, sitting up straighter in bed, she asks, “When do you think I can play basketball again? I want to go out for the team at school.”

Oy vey!

New vocabulary word: NEVER. It means, "not ever."

Back at home with her mother and brothers, Celia — wearing pajamas and a do-rag that covers her hair — holds the baby. Her tank top shows off two black tattoos on her arms.

One, which winds down her forearm, reads “Tish,” her mom’s nickname. Another, below her shoulder, reads “Manica Magee,” which is the teen’s rap name.

Leticia told the girl she could get inked if she kept her grades up. They went to Chicago to get it done.

“She earned them,” Leticia said, nodding her head.

It's like watching the Munsters where everything horrific is perfectly normal.

"Oh, Herman. Eddie got a D in math, so I let him dig up the graveyard. Isn't that wonderful?"

"HAWHAWHAW...Lilly, that boy is a chip off the old slab...HAWAHAWHAWHAW."

(house shakes, ceiling tiles and dust fall, never to be replaced)

SOUTHERN COMFORTABLE

The hell with holiday travel. I haven't left my house in 3 days. That's what Thanksgiving is all about. A chance to be openly depressed. The only reason I've showered is to get in some slap and tickle.

This is my first Thanksgiving in my own home in a decade. That's it. No more Thanksgiving travel for me for the next 5 years. If people in my life really like me, they'll show up.

My parents were the only ones who came this year. Not attending my Thanksgiving feast was the first thing my brother and his ex-wife have agreed upon since 2001, if I could brightside it.

My sister went to Jamaica for her father-in-law's wedding, which is OK, unless you consider it part of a continuing pattern of excuses, dating back to the days when I would lure her into the bathroom after I took a huge dump and locked her in with the odor, as to why she can't travel to Georgia more than once a decade. Maybe not a lot of flights here from NY.

Well, more food and fun for me.

Here's our premium quality, tightly cooped, genetically modified, assembly line slaughtered, frozen turkey.

Here's our turkey frying rig out back on the lush green barely legal lawn.

Old Man Pickle Nose prepares a post-breakfast snack. He's a good cook. His secret is aging. He treats every meal as if it could be his last.

We engage in sports.

Happy hour! Fresh guac and chips. I missed out because I was busy

Back to involvement in sports, and the film industry.

The two turkeys! HA! Brown and crispy, the way they serve it in heaven

Crispy potatoes. Don't they look good? Yeah, well, they were.

Crispy asparagus. I actually enjoy the smell my urine gives off after eating these.

Crispy cornbread stuffing. Tastes like manna, photographs like hell.

From scratch pecan/choco pie with a crispy crust and homemade caramel sauce spooged on it. One bite of this delight can supply the caloric needs of 10 children in Darfur for a month. It sure takes the pressure off the job search when you have this pie in the house.

Home made cranberry sauce with crispy bits of caramelized fruit. Oooh, doesn't that look tart and sweet? Yeah, you bet it does. It tastes like an orgasm. This is my contribution. I made it 3 days ago in the slow cooker. My secret is vanilla extract, brown sugar, and a special raisin wine from Spain. That's all I'm saying because I'm thinking of going national with this one day with a franchise chain of cranberry-centric eateries.

Cranny's. We'll even have a play area for kids with a giant cranberry bog they can swim around in after eating their cran-burgers and cran fries, and wash it down with some cranberry soda. We'll have cuddly characters like McDonald's has. Urethra the Clown will play up the cranberry's role in promoting urinary tract health.

Let the feast begin with a crispy turkey wing. The skin is like eating bacon. Turkey that tastes like bacon. Score! It's a club sandwich without those other non-essential ingredients. Fuck off toast, lettuce, cheese, and tomato.

Time for more athletics. Even OMPN is surprised at the ease with which the Falcons take it up the ass repeatedly.

Tea...because it gives the illusion of health.

Good night.

PLANT A CHILD

The sign outside Jackson Elementary School in Gwinnett says "Congratulations to Teacher of the Year, Nozomi Wade."

I could not in good conscience let my kid have a teacher named Nozomi. What is that? It's a nefarious distortion of Naomi by the fo' shizzle crowd, is what it is. Just rename it Dogg Elementary, so people know what they're getting themselves and their kids into. Jezeebus!

She likely got the award by being the best witch in the coven, teaching her charges to mindlessly recycle, maintain a brown lawn, share everything with strangers, and rat out their parents for non-compliance with Marxist initiatives.

I suppose that with Democrats already buying their dresses for Queen Cli'ton's inauguration in 2009, we'll be hearing a lot more about children in the coming year and how they really crave socialized medicine, and higher taxes, and mass transit. Grandchildren love these things too, of course.

Oh, here come some lovely children to my door now, trick-or-treating for carbon offsets this Halloween.

So precious. Innocent, yet socially conscious. Yes. I will help them so they can grow into....

ADULTS!

PHONE DUMP

Due to the Halloween being on Wednesday this year, What's Your Story will not be taping this week so that the staff can spend time sorting and eating candy with their loved ones, and harvest the crops at night.

I'd like you to get to know the staff of What's Your Story. I'm not trying to fix you up or anything, just say hey to the people who help me look sexy on internet TV. Here were the only people I managed to sneak up on with my camera phone.

Here's Scott. Scott's job is to make sure that things are funny. He does not have any infections, and always manages to find time to share a warm cup of soup with a friend.

This is Bonnie. Her job is to make sure the production runs smoothly and on time. I still have no idea what she looks like. She won't step out from behind her arms. I don't know how she eats.

Here's Lauren. Her job is to put everyone at ease. See the "L" she's forming with her hand? That's her gang sign. The 17th Street Laurens. Hang out, sip some sizzurp, yo.

While we're at it, let's do a cameraphone dump. It's been awhile.

George Stein recently invited me to his Jewdo matches at Gwinnett Center.

It was very exciting and inspiring to watch, and I left there wanting to grab someone by their lapels and throw them on their back.

This guy was a winner and a loser. Looks like he's dead, but he's not. He won his match, but broke his collarbone. The agony of victory.

Then they lightened the mood with some comedy matchups. Here's a real short guy battling a real tall one. The tall guy won and he got to take home the little guy and eat him for dinner.

Speaking of dining, let me remind restaurants that it's not cool to have reminders of disease around when people are trying to enjoy a hot meal. I know it helps your ego that you are part of something big, but I don't care.

Hey, I'm eating! Restaurants should be limited to one disease only. My vote goes for ALS, which is more appetizing then breast cancer, so go with that for this month.

"Oh, you ought to try J. Christopher's. They really are trying to fight breast cancer." No one recommends restaurants that way. Take it out back. When was the last time a cancer clinic was making flapjacks and bacon in the waiting room?

This truck has an almost Heroes symbol on it. I took this picture because I liked Heroes at the time. This was before it got pointless and hard to follow. I've watched one episode this season and it just wears me out. No rhyme or reason to what's going on. The Cheerleader can heal any wound she suffers and is played by a popular star. No way she ever dies. It's as exciting as the BCS.

The Heroes can do anything, but wind up getting nothing done. It's so frustrating. Are they really aliens? What happens to the world? Who's behind the company? Who gives a shit? It's like a sitcom for paranoids. It would be better if they picked one person with one power and gave him a show. Sure worked for My Favorite Martian.

Would someone tell the good people of Korean descent that words mean things in America? A genre is a category, right? Nail Category? How about Nail Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc? Anything would be better. Nail Wisdom. Nail Schadenfreude. Nail Nail. Nail Her.

Nail Genre? In a town where the women are prone to calling it Nail Jen-ray, anyhow?

Let me shake the phone. That's it. All empty. I'll take some rest now, and have more to say when I awaken.

UM.....NOW WHAT?

Genarlow Wilson is free...to do what now?  What exactly are we celebrating?

He was convicted and sentenced to 10 years in prison for having oral sex with a 15 year-old. He was a minor, too, so according to the prevailing winds, that makes it OK.  Served three years before the bleeding hearts and his attorney named BJ got him out.

Do you think he'll be getting anymore blow jobs from anyone under 18 from now on? It's hard to say. The only real lesson he's seemed to draw from this is that a justice system that seeks to protect naive minors from sexual predation is one to be ridiculed.

What message are the 15 year old girls getting from this outcome? Reporters aren't asking. They are too busy celebrating this great victory over morality.

The news media has framed this case as that of a young black man unfairly hassled by a backward Christian view of morality imposed on all of us forward thinkers, by a troglodyte state that is embarrassing to live in because it's not enlightened like NY and California, places where the cost of living is low, the air is clean, and everyone gets along.

From the AJC:

Wilson, who served nearly three years of a 10-year sentence, may be the most extreme example of a teenager entrapped by the state's regressive sex laws.

As opposed to the progressive sex laws that they have in North Utopia where anyone with pubic hair can partake of sex without any consequence. I've gotta update my Garmin because I can't find it on these maps.

Is it of the Dark Ages to create obstacles for males to get blow jobs from 15 year old girls? 

But Wilson is not the only young offender caught in a maze of draconian sex laws. Many young people are trapped on the state sex offender registry for nonviolent and consensual sex acts as teens.

Kind of a shot in the dark, but wasn't the sex offender registry voted into federal law by almost unanimous margins in both houses of Congress and signed by the President in 1996? Wasn't there ample time to put in a provision to excuse minor horny teens such as Genarlow? We had a president who could empathize.

According to your liberal reporter, our sex laws are not just regressive, but  "draconian," too. Let's make a sentence out of that view but substitute regressive and draconian with their synonyms. Repeat after me.

It is backward and excessive to punish minors for having sex with 15 year olds.

What do you think? Put your politics to the side. I don't care what party you belong to. It's not relevant.

Do you feel comfortable about having your 15 year old give blow jobs? What progress is going to come of that? That's how you got your high-paying job, right?

I've seen the cool and non-confrontational parents hand out the birth control devices. The results have been uniformly awful.

It's just basic. It doesn't take a degree. You could be getting lucky behind the school in lieu of attending class and still understand this. The more a behavior is subsidized, the more of it there will be. In practical terms, giving a birth control device to a minor is also giving them permission to do it more. Go to Vegas and see what your odds of losing are the more you play.

Contrary to pop belief, adulthood is not conferred on minors by encouraging risky behaviors as physical maturity approaches. Adulthood is achieved by learning the art of restraint and self-control. Picking your moments and knowing there will be plenty of chances to shine.

I'm going to side with Draco on this one.

DRIVING THE POCKET

Kids making excuses for unsatisfactory school performance already? Why, it's only October!

My child recently uttered these words, and the only thing that kept me from shaking her like a love child in the projects was the understanding that I said the same words once and I was not shaken.

After a tough day at school she says to me, "I'm not going to need to know about physics in real life, so what's the big deal?"

"You don't know that now, and there is a terrific likelihood that you will need it."

"Prove it."

"I can't." So I shook her.

Now, I want to thank these kids from the wrong side of town, whose video I've since reviewed, and now may use to educate my child with practical examples instead of shaking.

Bowling Ball Freak Accident, it's called. It's freakish that a bowling ball would land on your car after you drive in front of it.

I enjoy watching how it collectively dawns on the children that they fucked up against all odds. I love watching the dim notion play across their faces that the word unanimous is not a synonym for wise.

"Hey man, who woulda thought 10 people can all be wrong?"

My rule of thumb is this. If it takes more than 3 people before you find someone who thinks throwing a bowling ball up a ramp at 40mph may have some negative outcomes, then you are hanging with the wrong crowd.

The idea is so poorly thought out, I'm beginning to think that they are some of the most skilled professionals I've ever seen and made this rough basement video to teach the lessons of life to youth like my daughter.

I ask her, "How much money do you think the insurance company will pay for the claim, 'I didn't know a lot about physics?'"

"None."

I'm not asking her to be McGyver, just somebody who can think her way out of avoiding a bowling ball through the roof of her car. Get an "A" in that, and then we'll discuss the fine points.

PETER AND PAUL AGREE ON NEW 50-YEAR DEAL

John Edwards spending political capital on kids who can't vote:

"I don't think there is a silver bullet for this....We start with the president of the United States saying to America, ‘we cannot build enough prisons to solve this problem. And the idea that we can keep incarcerating and keep incarcerating — pretty soon we’re not going to have a young African-American male population in America. They’re all going to be in prison or dead. One of the two.”

When John Edwards is president, African-American males can rest assured that their crimes will no longer be met with prison sentences. They'll be detained long enough to fill out the right forms and then be sentenced to a good school in the suburbs. What a relief. I'm tired of losing our African-American male population like it's some Amazon rainforest. We're only going to fall further behind in finance, technology, and energy if this keeps up.

John Edwards will end the policy of building so many attractive prisons. It only makes African-American males want to go there. They're so tantalizing with their free meals and free weekly showers. You'd be crazy not to get arrested. Clearly, this madness must end.

If I were president, I would stop the building of liquor stores and lottery machines, too, but I think Edwards is off to a good start.

No, there is no silver bullet for this situation, only hollow points, but we can't use them because they may seriously hurt an African-American male while he is exercising his right to evade arresting police officers who sit around all day looking for reasons to put him away while ignoring rampant white crime.

John Edwards seems to be the only person with enough guts to make the establishment solve our national problem of putting too many criminals in jail.

Hold the phone. As Diabetes 3 follows the release of Halo 3, here comes Hillary with another idea that you're really gonna love.

Clinton proposes $5000 for every baby born in the US

This sounds like a great idea, the No Child Left Behind in a Condom Act, and since the money trees have been genetically modified to grow bigger denominations, it's very affordable. Think of the benefits.

More underclass babies.

More illegals.

More government workers.

More crime.

Let's not be stingy. Give them $20,000 each. Let the bastard children, the illegals, the government workers, and criminals run the country for awhile.

I say all these illegitimate underclass babies that will be born in the No Child Left Behind on a Hotel Towel Act should have their mama be able to invest the funds where ever she and her broker see fit. After all, we let people who actually work for a living invest their Social Security in a private account of their own choosing. Right?

It's gonna be tough choosing which Democrat will be president next year.

ALL GUSSIED UP

Meet Gussie, everybody.

Gussie Clementine Jones Succes. She's coming to visit us this weekend from Rochester, NY. The Succes part is the last name of her only husband, Enoch,  a Haitian refugee who used her for a green card and then ran off about 15 years ago.

I met her when I was doing the 10pm-2am shift on the radio in Rochester in 1987. She worked at the now defunct Cadillac Hotel, a place where HIV could have been invented. I think someone was killed there every week. It was the in-spot for the Rochester underbelly. Transients, prostitutes, addicts, winos, pedophiles, abusers, hysterics, morons, homeless, and bad cooks all called the Cadillac home.

Gussie was the night clerk and called the station often to request songs during moments of respite from the mayhem. She was great company at 1am in a small market when nobody worth entertaining is listening.

My wife and I needed a cleaning person since we're both lazy and slobs, and she needed extra money to keep from her "husband" who was always out pissing away their salaries when she was busy working, passing the time with whores and liquor until the greenie came. She kicked him out of the house one night with no clothes on her,  she was so fed up with him. There is an upside to a society that has not yet gone digital.

There was the time I came home to find Gussie naked and stuck in our bathtub. She decided to take a bath between chores, and must have swollen up a bit in the hot bath and couldn't extricate. It didn't help that she weighed 450 pounds, either. I closed my eyes and gamely grabbed her arm as she used a small washcloth as best she could to cover her lady bits. I do hope you're not eating now.

And then there was the time she didn't show up at our apartment until 6 hours after she was supposed to. She fell asleep on the bus and went around the city several times before waking up at 3pm, and getting off at our stop, Rochester's own Pascual Perez.

Hope your Labor Day weekend is just as fun. I think big things are gonna happen for you this September. I can feel it. If Mickey Rooney makes a return appearance on this year's MD telethon, it'll be perfect.

Before I forget, I'd like to pay tribute to Richard Jewell who died the other day at age 44. He was an avid listener to The Regular Guys Show, called in on several occasions, and, like myself, had to endure the cruel joke of being wrongly accused of a crime in public.  I read that he had a heart attack, which is ironic, because during the Olympic Park bombing, of which he was accused, the band entertaining the crowd at the time was Jack Mack and the Heart Attack. That's all I got. Rest in Peace. Mr. Jewell.