House of Wachs

TODAY'S TOM SAWYER...

...he gets high on you.

And the role is being played by...

JT WU?!?

W.I.C. THEATER

Did you see Britney Spears big comeback on the MTV DUI Awards last night? Talk about re-invention! She lip-synced to her new record, "Gimme More," which is the harrowing fable of a young woman who desires as much of the male sex organ as possible, no matter the cost. How fresh! The dead, soulless, cry for help eyes were a nice twist, I thought, and her groggy dancing evoked a tableau of the final minutes of a wonderful romantic evening between a young lady and a stranger with  20 dollar bills in an IGA Supermarket parking lot at 4:47am on a Sunday.

I really liked the part where Harvey Keitel came out dressed as Sport, and told her how much she made him feel like a man while he stroked her hair with his special cocaine finger nail.

But I think Sarah Silverman was mean with her comments. There are children involved, Sarah. Little tiny bastard mongrel children with bright futures if comedians would just stop heckling them for a second.

Let's play a fun game. Can you tell which is Britney out of all these Craigslist prostitutes?

First prize is a nude of Vanessa Hudgens. So is second prize. And third. Get your guess on. Hurry!

DAKOTA PANNING

You should know that Hollywood is pissed at us Americans again. Too bad. We were really starting to like each other again after electing that adorable Nancy Pelosi to Speaker of the Housewife.

Hollywood is pissed at America for being pissed at Hollywood's new controversial film featuring 12-year old Dakota Fanning getting raped. I agree that would be an outrageous thing for Americans to get upset about except she was most likely 11 when the thing was filmed, and even some perverts are uneasy with snake eyes at belt level.

Dakota Fanning tells "Hounddog" critics she is mad

By Bob Tourtellotte

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Precocious 12-year-old Dakota Fanning, star of the kids movie "Charlotte's Web," is as mad as she can be and is not going to take any more criticism about her latest role -- a rape victim.

Whoa! You don't want to get Precocious 12-year old Dakota Fanning mad at ya! That could get you banned from her Myspace page. You might as well hang it up then. BTW, For people in S. Fulton County, "precocious" means her future husband is only 30 right now.

Fanning saw her newest movie "Hounddog" premiere at the Sundance Film Festival this week after months of complaints from religious groups and others who questioned whether her family and the film's maker acted responsibly when asking her to act in a rape scene.

It was a responsible rape scene. This is art, dammit. Not porn.

"When it gets to the point of attacking my mother, my agent ... my teacher, who were all on the set that day, that started to make me mad," she said in an interview.

Well, I didn't know they stood around the pool table to cheer you on as you got raped in front of the camera. Sorry for jumping to conclusions.

I'm not a police official or attorney, so I don't know if they have grounds to arrest everyone involved in the production of this "Hounddog" picture, but I do know if anyone was smoking on the set of that movie, heads would have rolled. You wouldn't want to be smoking while filming a pre-pubescent girl getting a high hard one. Might hurt her lungs and stunt her growth.

Let's hear what the official blogger of 20-year olds and rape film fan, Anastasia Goodstein, has to say on the whole matter:

I haven't seen "Hounddog," but I did see "Bastard Out of Carolina," "The Accused," and "Boys Don't Cry." All of which feature incredibly disturbing rape scenes that were tough to sit through. But in a country where in 2004-2005, there were an estimated 200,780 victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault and about 44% of the rape victims were under age 18, I think it's important to raise awareness about the horror of these crimes and the long term effects they have on their victims.

It's educational. A lot of young girls still think rape is cool, so we need a movie to show them that rape is bad and only leads to bad things like getting a movie made about your life. Rapists will learn how wrong they are too. That's why I collect these films on Blu-Ray.

OK, so let's put Dakota in a Skinemax film where she's making beautiful romantic love to something she purchased at Target to teach people the beauty of consensual sex and a good bargain. It'll be an important film.

FEELING SALIERI

This is a depressing email I received from a Jewish reader/listener named Ira Malkin:

I was listening to an interview with Sasha Baron Cohen today and I realized that Feivel Chiam was the original Borat. I mean, you couldn't break character either! Especially when you were interviewing the players at the Super Bowl. "How do you play American football?" - right out of the film!

No. The film right out of me! This is why, I'm chagrined to report, that although I enjoyed the Borat movie, I secretly wished it would die at the box office. OK, that's not going to happen, but perhaps some of these lawsuits against Borat and Universal by Polish hillbillies and their slick legal talent will catch fire and singe the eyebrows of that thief, Sascha Baron Cohen. Typical Jew.

What Ira is referring to is the time I made the excellent choice to interview all the Tennessee Titans when they were in town for the 2001 Super Bowl, as Fivel Chaim, Israeli Sports Reporter, a character I made up 5 minutes before going into the hotel, and asked the players if they could explain football to me. None could, of course.

Here's an excerpt of Javon Kearse fielding some of my questions.

Note that Kearse is with the Titans. Super Bowl 2001. Pre-Baron Cohen. Pre-Ali G. Pre-Borat.

But it's not Wachs being heralded in Hollywood, is he? It's not Wachs being named sexiest man alive by People. And it's certainly not Wachs getting it on with the hot little redheaded spinner from Wedding Crashers, only one of the few sexy, curvy girls left in Hollywood amongst all those skeletors.

It's Sascha this, Sascha that, Sascha is brilliant, Sascha is a true original! Wachs stole from him. Wachs is unoriginal.

Oh, how I hate Sascha! And that is why I say to you, Mr. Sascha Baron Cohen....."I AM A FUCKING LOSER!!!!!"

I ASSURE YOU, I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS STORY!

BOMBARDMENT

Big fat headline today on the Drudge Report:

FEDS: CIRCUMCISION CUTS HIV RISK IN HALF

I suppose that's good news, but there has to be a better way to state it. My rule of thumb is never to separate the phrases "circumcision cuts" and "in half" with less than 20 words. Matt has failed. Keep at it, kid. One day you'll be somebody.

By the way, Feds, heterosexuality cuts the risk by about 99%. Look it up, Feds. OK, bye Feds.

At the risk of making some readers jealous, I have a lifetime subscription to PRO. Portable Restroom Operator. Here's their latest issue:

Unlike the internet with it's hourly assaults on the senses, I've never been offended by this publication in the past. Not when they published the photos of scantily clad contestants in the Miss Pumper 2006 competition in Ft. Lauderdale last spring. Not when they showed pictures of a hog shit tank being pressure washed at a pork processing plant. And certainly not the Johnny Knoxville Interview, which I found to be rather fawning.

The unsupervised tyke coming out of a Porta-John at an FSU game crosses the line. Even if this photo was posed, what kind of stage mother gets this gig for their aspiring offspring?

"Go stand in the toilet, now. Make mommy proud."

And a fine local publication with the initials A, J, and C published this vile photo yesterday on the front page:

That's just wrong. There's no way around it.

VOICE MAIL IDOL

Time for our new show, Voice Mail Idol, where you can be a star by simply dialing your phone.

Our first contestant is a local scenester. You've heard him on the Regular Guys Show. He was briefly known as Mr. Atlanta, and recently called us here at Voice Mail Idol. Please welcome the comic musings of

Garrett, the 41-Year Old Intern!!!

Points off because the waveform of Garrett's call on my editing software looks like a large dugan with some piercings. Kinda like a Goth Dork. It's sending the wrong message.

If you have something of interest to say, call my cell phone. The winner can be my friend. Deadline for entry 1/15/07.  Make sure to vote for your favorite.

Thanks for listening to....Voice Mail Idol!!!

PETEETONG! PICTURES HOLIDAY RELEASE

Still cleaning the Thanksgiving detritus from my luggage and intestines, so here's a short film from last week's Wachs Thanksgiving 2006, filmed and edited by my daughter and short filmmaker, Alison and shot entirely on location at the home of Old Man Pickle Nose, and my mom, Mee Maw Luvya, both of whom have a cameo role.

Peteetong! Pictures presents...

Here's some more restaurant art work of mine from Macaroni Grill, where they let you draw on the table like a 4-year old. This one has a kick ass story behind it, as with all true art.

I started by sketching the flowing arc of a proper golf swing, because I had a good round earlier in the day. It started to look like the sway of my own belly after a nice meal at Macaroni Grill, so I added some hair and moles and nipples, and then it started feeling so wrong.

I'm drawing a hairy guy! Perhaps subconsciously I remembered that last time here, when I got lectured by my wife for sketching the behind of a sexy woman and a cool black guy at a 70s party.

I can't do complex things like shading and depth like my wife can. My project was falling apart. The mojo and muse were in tatters, so I turned it sideways and finished it off as a fish. A peacock fish. I don't know if there is any such thing, but I had to do something to explain away the man's nipple in it's tail.

Ignore the balsamic vinegar.

"That's very good, Lar," said my wife, but after 18 years of marriage it sounds like, "I'm glad you've decided not to draw your sexist and racist pictures this evening, with their attendant crude humor. You have not embarrassed me and have been quiet for 15 minutes drawing an innocuous fish of dubious artistic merit. I am not threatened. You are a good boy."

A good artist always gets the ladies happy.

I watched David Blaine try to drown himself on TV last night.

Here's what I learned:

Never underestimate America's fascination with pruny hands.

I set a new record, too. My personal best for watching a man in a tub of water on TV. I broke 40 minutes. I'd like to thank Best Buy for their wonderful TVs, my parents for putting a TV in my bedroom when I was 9, and pot and ice cream for keeping me on the couch. Thank you. Bill Conti and the band are playing me off. Thank you all....

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Word is that John Rocker is "writing" a book called The Truth About Everything.

It's not going to be a coffee table book because those are for fags with AIDS, but a real honest to goodness readin' book, and I for one look forward to curling up on the Number 7 train with it. I hope he mentions me in the chapter called "Jews."

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An email from a disgruntled listener named Terri:

Could you please, for the loyal listeners, post a picture of you in the zit hiding hat on the webpage?

I made a total of $5.00 from people who paid to look at my zit, and it would have been more if Eric didn't sneak a free peak after the show before I could cover it with my wife's makeup. He's no good.

Even that little local sultress from American Idol, Diana DeGarmo and her mom paid to see it today. Heard about it on the air. Hopped in the car to stop in unannounced on the show. Diana told me that it reminded her a lot of Ryan Seacrest.

"Yeah, that's great," I says, as my hand memorizes her rib cage for future use.

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BREAKING NEWS

Lassie has cancelled tomorrow's appearance on the show. DEVELOPING....

Thanks Sam and Nick Harrell Core Studios

I had a great weekend. The grader was in our backyard on Saturday. It's like having my own Monster Truck Show at home. It was fun reminiscing with our old friends, the used Mexican toilet paper from 1989 and various discarded pets that had been uprooted from their resting places.

"Ladeeees and Gentleman.....6-Time Champion....Jew Digger!"

THE BOHEMIAN LIFE

Here's some more restaurant art work of mine from Macaroni Grill, where they let you draw on the table like a 4-year old. This one has a kick ass story behind it, as with all true art.

I started by sketching the flowing arc of a proper golf swing, because I had a good round earlier in the day. It started to look like the sway of my own belly after a nice meal at Macaroni Grill, so I added some hair and moles and nipples, and then it started feeling so wrong.

I'm drawing a hairy guy! Perhaps subconsciously I remembered that last time here, when I got lectured by my wife for sketching the behind of a sexy woman and a cool black guy at a 70s party.

I can't do complex things like shading and depth like my wife can. My project was falling apart. The mojo and muse were in tatters, so I turned it sideways and finished it off as a fish. A peacock fish. I don't know if there is any such thing, but I had to do something to explain away the man's nipple in it's tail.

Ignore the balsamic vinegar.

"That's very good, Lar," said my wife, but after 18 years of marriage it sounds like, "I'm glad you've decided not to draw your sexist and racist pictures this evening, with their attendant crude humor. You have not embarrassed me and have been quiet for 15 minutes drawing an innocuous fish of dubious artistic merit. I am not threatened. You are a good boy."

A good artist always gets the ladies happy.

THE REIGN OF BLAINE

I watched David Blaine try to drown himself on TV last night.

Here's what I learned:

Never underestimate America's fascination with pruny hands.

I set a new record, too. My personal best for watching a man in a tub of water on TV. I broke 40 minutes. I'd like to thank Best Buy for their wonderful TVs, my parents for putting a TV in my bedroom when I was 9, and pot and ice cream for keeping me on the couch. Thank you. Bill Conti and the band are playing me off. Thank you all....

--------------

Word is that John Rocker is "writing" a book called The Truth About Everything.

It's not going to be a coffee table book because those are for fags with AIDS, but a real honest to goodness readin' book, and I for one look forward to curling up on the Number 7 train with it. I hope he mentions me in the chapter called "Jews."

---------

An email from a disgruntled listener named Terri:

Could you please, for the loyal listeners, post a picture of you in the zit hiding hat on the webpage?

I made a total of $5.00 from people who paid to look at my zit, and it would have been more if Eric didn't sneak a free peak after the show before I could cover it with my wife's makeup. He's no good.

Even that little local sultress from American Idol, Diana DeGarmo and her mom paid to see it today. Heard about it on the air. Hopped in the car to stop in unannounced on the show. Diana told me that it reminded her a lot of Ryan Seacrest.

"Yeah, that's great," I says, as my hand memorizes her rib cage for future use.

--------

BREAKING NEWS

Lassie has cancelled tomorrow's appearance on the show. DEVELOPING....

Thanks Sam and Nick Harrell Core Studios

SOUTHERN COMFORT

I had a great weekend. The grader was in our backyard on Saturday. It's like having my own Monster Truck Show at home. It was fun reminiscing with our old friends, the used Mexican toilet paper from 1989 and various discarded pets that had been uprooted from their resting places.

"Ladeeees and Gentleman.....6-Time Champion....Jew Digger!"