House of WACHS

SWOOPTY

Here's Al Sharpton urging a congregation not to tip at restaurants.

The FBI swooped in on his swoopy head and raided him for financial documents, yesterday.

This should get interesting. It looks to me from my black helicopter that this may be much ado about nothing. Just maybe a message from the Clintons to keep his folk on their side of the line. The opposing pressure from the Obama camp to not be a traitor to the skin tone must be pretty great, too. Al Sharpton may pop like a ripe fruit.

This is going to be the best 2008 ever!

I'd be surprised if the FB  raid resulted in this sovereign fiefdom with hair being hauled to prison. But it's about time someone in the government at least acknowledged that he's a lowlife.

If he were white, he'd have finished his 20 year sentence 8 days ago.

Just gettin' around to it. Thanks, Sheriff. That Sharpton is hard to find. Very elusive.

He'll be dead soon from heart failure, but thanks for thinking about justice. 'Preciate ya.

ISSUES AND NO ANSWERS

The Omaha mall shooting. Let's see...

From the woman who took the gunman into her home after he was booted from his.

He was depressed, and he had always been depressed," [Debora Mauroka-Kovac] said. "But he looked like he was getting better."

So much for her judgment. Put her on the 9th Circuit.

From USA Today:

The shooting happened not long after President Bush left Omaha, where he had arrived for a fundraiser.

...which has absolutely nothing to do with the matter at hand. But thanks for the update, pressie. How could I possibly make an informed opinion without your aid?

Besides the violence and it's utter pointlessness, the thing that scares people most is the realization that, despite the relatively safe, free, and orderly country we've got going, we also have millions of irrational time bombs walking around who cannot find comfort in living.

As much as we find great parlor sport in our pop psychology---"Oh, he has issues"-- and debate and formulate policies to prevent future such incidents, we know full well that even the greatest minds in the world still have only a rudimentary knowledge of the human mind in it's functions and dysfunctions. You're on your own.

I don't know what the local laws are in Omaha, and I'm sure the swiftness made self-defense moot, but I'm surprised that someone in an entire mall during the busy season didn't attempt to fire back. Is that a function of panic or legal culture? Probably both.

CRY ME A RIVER

Drought, my eye! Yer all wet!

Let's get one thing straight. There is no shortage of water. It's everywhere. I took pictures.

There's some:

And here:

And right behind Frankenstein and his underage girlfriend:

Like oil, this is a politically arranged drought we're having in these parts, and the solution is a drought of government intervention or a wave of military force...in case it doesn't do something crazy like rain.

First off, with regards to the current watering bans: I have found both legal and sordid ways around them and continue to water my law freely. If you get a waiver from your lawn guy that says you've just put down new sod or such, they let you water it. One Jackson later, you've got your letter of waiver and let the wetlands resume. I've also rescued one of Vick's dogs and trained it to eat Fulton County Water officials on sight, so something good came out of that other Fulton County debacle.

Where you see a brown lawn, I see a white flag. It's the sign of capitulation, not of good citizenship, as has been characterized by numerous articles and letters to the editor from the "common gooders" chorus. And short of a hard shut-off from the water company, my showers will end when I have finished examining myself for cancers of the intimate places. Hell, it takes probably 4 gallons alone just to get the hot water and soap going. And just see what happens to your facilities, water czars, when you shut off thousands of angry people by government edict. I have been known to hurt people if I don't get my coffee and a shower.

A brown lawn is the sign of failure. You've paid hundreds of thousands for a home and a small patch of land so you can grow a few tomatoes, your dog can take a shit, and your kids can throw up when they come home from the prom. The American Dream. And after all that work and investment into the biggest asset most of you will ever own, you can't sprinkle a few gallons of water on it everyday? Why? So a mollusk in Florida can stay alive? Is this mollusk delicious in garlic and butter? Then either build a theme park around it and charge admission, or get rid of 'em!

Now Governor, and Top Aquatic Supervisor for the State of GA, Sonny, warns that we will run out of water in January. I doubt that highly. It's going to rain eventually. We don't live in a desert. Last I checked, a case of bottled water cost a third less per gallon than it's gasoline equivalent. The tap water you get is priced at a few pennies a gallon. There is no shortage of water. The shortage is in the bottlenecked delivery system monopolized by the state. Can someone at least entertain me with a stab at a practical reason why we can choose our gas, cell phone, TV, food, and internet providers now, but not our water or electricity providers?

Gee, which of the above staples of everyday life has routine outages and shortages? Food? Not even in a snow storm. TV? Have you seen your waistline lately?

Logically, the shortage is man-made, and voila! It is. The federal government mandates that we share the Chattahoochee and other resources in Georgia with Alabama and Florida, and they're just hooting and hollering down there, watering whenever they please, while we sit indoors watching expensive lawn care go up in smoke, so gullible in our belief that these are such unique and tough meteorological times that we must...(bite my lip and sniffle)....sacrifice for the greater good (i.e. Florida and their rare mollusk collection).

Well, to put it politely, FUCK THAT. Now this is a civil war I can get behind.

We have it. If they don't, they should find their own damn rivers and lakes. I know they have them because I've been to them. It rains there, too. And they've got way more ocean access than we do, so start de-salinating, Sal. What's the problem?

I'll tell you confederates what. If you really want to have a genuine Georgia vs. Florida fight where you can beat the hell out of one another, put down that pussy college football, and I'll join you. And so you won't miss a minute of the fun and excitement of a real Georgia-Florida tiff, I'll supply the cocktails during the war. The NWC, the New Water Confederacy, will make military history by being the first warring unit ever to have a full bar.

You gotta fight for your right to DRINK!!!

IN THE DONUT HOLE

I just took a break from pimping SuperDeluxe.com and my new weekly news show, DEBUTING 10/19, in which people email the news stories that most intrigue them and I respond, called What's Your Story, and went downstairs to grab a Scooby Snack. That's the joy of working from home now. I can do anything I please in the workplace.  I've even hired two illegals to sit in my bathroom all day and sing to one another while I pretend to hide in the shower stall and record them. What a blast I'm having. Thank you Super Deluxe!

DOT COM!!!!

My family was downstairs watching House and this promo for the news came on.

"One man jailed for life for stealing a donut? How could this happen? Tonight at 10."

I know how! Because the American justice system is a brutal Mongolian-style regime that is racist, homophobic, sexist, and out of control?

I haven't seen the story, or heard details of it, but I'm going to guess how it happened, and then go find the story on the internets and see if I'm right. This is so exciting, blogging without a safety net! What an edgy website!

My guess is that the "alleged" donut stealer has likely shot and killed upwards of 50 people before settling in for some petty theft. The donut was merely the straw that broke the legal system's tolerance and he could be convicted on a 3 strikes law. Donuts are also a key law enforcement food group and they will protect their food source like a lion guarding a gazelle carcass from encroaching jackals.

The news media, in it's zeal to put up a catchy story and portray the American justice system as a crushing dictatorship, stokes the fires beneath us so they have enough material for a "think piece" on why we're all so enraged at one another.

The American legal system has few flaws in it's premise, but is only as good as the people who execute the plan. If anything, our legal system tends to be too lenient. Why does Orenthal walk amongst us? Joe Torre? He should be beheaded for what he did to the Yankees.

Now let's find the story....

Ah, yes.

Let's drill down a bit....to here.

Scott A. Masters, 41, is accused of shoplifting the pastry and pushing a store worker who tried to stop him. The worker was unhurt. But with that shove, his shoplifting turned into a strong-arm robbery. Masters, who appeared in court Friday, is stunned. The prosecutor shows no signs of backing down. In fact, because Masters has a prior record, he could get a sentence of 30 years to life.

Masters is a small man, wiry, about 5-foot-6, with short-cropped hair, a graying goatee and hound-dog eyes. He is a "frequent flier" at the St. Francois County detention center.

"Yeah, Scotty is well known," said Deputy Sheriff Dennis Smith, reviewing Masters' criminal history.

Masters, who lives in the nearby town of Park Hills, has been arrested more than a dozen times: for being drunk, for shoplifting, for missed court dates, for marijuana possession. He spent most of the 1990s and a stretch from 2000 to 2004 in state prison for the felonies of torching a car to collect insurance and possessing methamphetamine ingredients.

Pret-ty close! Two prior felonies. The assault on the donut lady fine-tuned a misdemeanor into a felony. Three strikes. Mmmm-hmmm. Nice sleuthing, Wachs. Still, it's not guaranteed he'll get the harsh punishment hyped on TV. They even refer to him as "Scotty." Lovable scamp.

Vick is going down on the theory that killing dogs leads to killing people. Ergo, stealing donuts is a gateway drug to stealing people. Would it be so bad if a lifetime pain in the ass like this gets the maximum? Would it be so bad if people like him thought that this country is New Turkey?

I hope he does get life for stealing a donut. Donuts are small and cheap, but they're cop food and not free, shithead.

SWASTIKAS IN THE NEWS

Last week's secret ingredient here on Iron Bloggers was, "TASERS!"

This week...Reveal please, President Ahmedinejad...."SWAS-TEE-KAAA."

Fashion chain Zara withdraws swastika handbag

Spanish fashion chain Zara has withdrawn a handbag from its stores after a customer in Britain complained swastikas were embroidered on it.

Zara, owned by the world's second largest fashion retailer Inditex, said it did not know the 39 pound ($78) handbag had green swastikas on its corners.

The bags were made by a supplier in India and inspired by commonly used Hindu symbols, which include the swastika. The original design approved by Zara did not have swastikas on it, Inditex said.

"After the return of one bag we decided to withdraw the whole range," said a spokesman for Inditex, which has more than 3,330 stores in 66 countries.

Oh, we didn't know what they were sewing on our bags. Oh, we didn't know swastikas would upset people. Oh, we're so embarrassed. Oh, now we'll have to sell all these infamous bags on Ebay for 4 times the price.

Everyone relax, will ya? They're not racists. They're just marketers. They're harmless. Just like the guys who sell Che Guevara shirts. Your outrage fattens their profits.

That's the difference between marketing and racism. The marketer puts a swastika on a bag. The racist's handbag is made of real Jewskin.

Police Find Swastika Cut Into Acres Of N.J. Cornfield

I didn't see the newscast of this particular story, but I'd bet a lot of cash that the promos for it say, "Is your corn racist?" at least once.

Not to diminish or trivialize this outrageous act. Obviously, thousands of flying Jews will be upset by it. And maybe the corn just grew that way, and it is racist, and should be burned. I'm glad to live in a society that makes laws against swastikas in corn.

I think it could be a rudimentary maze. After all, the Indians once had a name for corn. They called it "maze." And they harbor such hatred for the Jews who made them villians in all their media presentations. Really makes you wonder....

"IT'S A BOID, I'M TELLING YOU."

ELECTRIC AVENUE

Apparently, the Action News 33 Team has gathered all the evidence and drawn the conclusion that the cop did the wrong thing and should be punished. Interesting point. I watched the whole thing thinking, "Why doesn't this syphilitic hag just cooperate and leave the trial to the attorneys?"

I wonder how much needless violence such as this is the result of TV reporters encouraging and conditioning the toothless viewers of their Weekly Reader news presentations to challenge cops' authority without hesistation based on some infantile notion of rights as license to behave in any way imaginable.

Do you suppose there is any video of the innocent bystanders watching in horror in the control room as this cross-eyed Barbie J-school dimwit openly cheerleads for anarchy in the streets by drunken bovine female she-beasts who are pissed off that they didn't get to collect the $40 bucks from the illegal Mexican they were rimming? Fat fucking chance.

Hey! Don't forget....

NEW!!! At the House of Wachs Store

The "Don't Tase Me Bro" T-Shirt.

Happy Yom Kippur!

WACHS AT THE WATER COOLER

What's gone ooooon?!

I received a Bar Mitzvah photo from close friends where one of their sons was wearing dreadlocks. Way to put your best foot forward. How do parents have such little guidance over their kids? Is it too scary to say, "You look filthy and you'll never get a job that way.?" What are they going to do? Kill themselves? Good. Then we can all get some sleep. Dreadlocks are for filthy people with no self-respect. There's a reason they call them dreadlocks. It's because they are dreadful.

What if I sent out Hanumas cards and, in the family photo, my daughter has not shaved her pits or legs for a year and is wearing a New England Patriots bikini? How soon would I be the first person to ever get death threats due to his family holiday card? Very.

We've got a tie game, sport fan! OJ 1-The Man 1.

By the time OJ gets the verdict in his upcoming armed robbery trial, it will be my birthday. So, if you wind up becoming an OJ juror, I would love to have a guilty verdict for my big day. Thanks. If Fred Goldman did his job a long time ago, we wouldn't have to depend on another jury to use some common sense and decency. Thank Hashem Vegas is teeming with retired white people.

What did OJ do this time? He's accused of taking memorabilia that he claims belongs to him. He was in Vegas looking for the real pilferers. Is he guilty? It's not important, my pet. OJ's in jail, he got no bail, and that's the way it goes. Raaawhk!

Here's an excerpt from OJ's new book, "If I Didn't Commit Robbery, Here's What I Would Be Doing."

Page 1

Playing golf.

Page 2

Bowling.

Page 3

Looking for killers.

Page 4

Having sex with white women.

Page 5

Having sex with white woman while the kids are home.

Page 6

Using cocaine.

Page 7

Gambling.

Page 8

Buying stuff.

Page 9

Anonymously taunting the Goldmans on Chowhound.com message boards (...hey, anybody know whatever happened to Mezzaluna in LA? it was my fave.).

Page 10

Cashing my NFL pension check and waving the cash at police.

Page 11

Convincing Sydney that it was Mark Fuhrman who smacked her in the teeth during dinner last night.

I am looking forward.

Let's take a quick glance at Week 2 of the new millenium's greatest NFL trade:

Schaub 36-50, 452yards, 3 TDs. Houston 2-0.

Harrington 33-52, 399 yards,  0 TDs. Falcons 0-2.

Vick--going to jail.

Welp, see ya next owner!

OK, I'm tired. There's been a lot of golf going on and one of the guys wished me a Happy Hannukah and another wished me Happy Rashashasha, and I've got some sunburn and then the medications to quell the sting have made my mind all hairy. I have a lot more to say about things, but it'll have to wait until after I plug into bed and recharge.

THE NEWS HARVEST

Unlike some imitation news jogs out there which pile 50-100 news stories on the unsuspecting reader everyday, the True Original News Jog here at the House of Wachs dot commer, understands that only 2-3 news stories per week are worth paying any attention to. The rest is bullshit and a waste of time.

Some weeks there are no such stories, but this week brings such a harvest that we've had 6 in two days! Roll out the barrel and catch them while you can. In fact, from now on the True Original News Jog title will be retired due to the fact that so many inferior competitors have cheapened the name News Jog.

And now, just in time for Rosh Hashanna and the new fall season, we are pleased to usher in The News Harvest!

Belichick draws $500,000 fine, but avoids suspension

So goes the headline which makes it seem like he got a break, when in reality, Belichick got screwed. If I were Eric Mangina, I'd buy Kevlar before entering Massachusetts. There's your low life right there. Half a million dollars for doing something that every team in the NFL and MLB does as routinely as lining the field. That's like a rapper suing another rapper for calling him the dreaded n-word. Can't compete in real life? Just introduce political correctness into the equation.

I like how Belichick sacked up and took it in stride without apology or commentary. That's a warrior, not a politician.

Stealing another team's signals during a game is not close to cheating. It's expected. Everybody does it. Does that make it right? Yes. It does. It's not cheating if everyone does it.

"Oh, but what if everybody decided to rob banks. Would that make it right? Huh?"

Yes. It would. That would indicate that the societal norm has shifted, making it cool to rob banks. But currently, you'll note only a tiny fraction of the population robs banks. Why? Because it's still wrong. There's no way around it.

The hell with the Falcons. They'll never get this concept. Blank is a politician, not a winner. I'm officially adopting the Pats as my favorite team. If there are any forms I need to fill out let me know, but the great thing about rooting for a team is that you can start whenever you like, so it's official to me. Maybe I'll call the Patriots later to let them know as a courtesy. I'm sure they would love to hear the support from a neutral state in the war between the Yanks.

The only real qualification you need is to declare before the 3rd game of the season. After that is bandwagon jumping.

Robot Maker Builds Artificial Boy

David Hanson has two little Zenos to care for these days. There's his 18-month-old son Zeno, who prattles and smiles as he bounds through his father's cramped office. Then there's the robotic Zeno. It can't speak or walk yet, but has blinking eyes that can track people and a face that captivates with a range of expressions.

At 17 inches tall and 6 pounds, the artificial Zeno is the culmination of five years of work by Hanson and a small group of engineers, designers and programmers at his company, Hanson Robotics. They believe there's an emerging business in the design and sale of lifelike robotic companions, or social robots.

I'm sorry. Did any of you call me? I couldn't hear the phone because the Creepy Alarm is going off in my head.

Shouldn't we be investigating instead of praising the loser who spends his time making mechanical young boys? It's offensive. Besides, the market clearly points to an insatiable demand for mechanical females. Everybody I know wants one.

Rosie O’Donnell: Shocking Revelations in New Book

Rosie O’Donnell used to break her own limbs with either a baseball bat or a wooden hanger when she was a child. This revelation, as well as many about her experiences on "The View" last year, is contained in a new book she’s written due shortly called “Celebrity Detox.”

What a shocker. Nasty fulminating dyke who flogs herself for attention as an adult did same during childhood. Hey Rosie! Bush sucks, but do you think he broke his own bones when he was a kid? I don't see it.

Let me put that headline in better perspective. Ideally, I'd have it read:

Rosie O’Donnell used to break her own limbs with either a baseball bat or a wooden hanger when she was a child, helping her become one of the foremosts experts on American foreign policy and stem cell research.

Rosie forgot to mention the ugly stick, and I think the hanger was used too late in her development to do society any good. Other than that, I hear she's a wonderful husband.

IN THE PATOIS OF THE FATWA

I just got done eating some delicious raisin toast. I had a hankering for it since tennis practice. It really hits the spot when I'm a little down. Tender sweet raisins, nestled into a golden gluten web of egg bread. Oh, my!

The time is ripe for a change in the way we do things around here at the big ole HOW. I don't believe it is fair to me as a US citizen that our media continues to tolerate, with a "muslim clerics will be muslim clerics" attitude, our enemies constantly issuing death orders against  people they don't agree with, but we're not allowed to do it to them or anyone else. Well, dammit, a hearty "fuck off" is not enough, anymore.  From now on, when I see someone do something that's irritating and wrong, or either, I will issue a public death threat to them. Yeah, it's symbolic, but don't get too comfortable.

I don't think I dig the new NFL Monday Night format so much. I like the fact that it's a double header, but it draws out those ill-suited sportsradio hosts who, generally, for some reason, think you must talk MORE and LOUDER despite the constant stream of HI-DEF pictures to aid their descriptions. It's a far cry from the days of Cosell, and for that I'm sending a death threat to ABC for debasing Monday Night Football.

I like the Niner's new unis. They are actually old ones from the 70s that they brought back. Good move. The lads actually look like football players as opposed to the futuristic space monkeys built from corn and petroleum derivatives that most teams look like.

Yep, the Niners really have it together sartorially this year. Those homos out there really know their style, you gotta give 'em that. I can only wonder how great the team would look if the NFL didn't ban Loverboy-style headwear.

Meanwhile, a death threat to Roger Goodell who cuts off one head of the multi-headed thug hydra but won't touch the others. A cursory glance of  Sunday's opening NFL play reveals that the number of of dreadlocks poking out of helmets and exotic Oriental arm tattoos have exploded throughout the league. If I were commissioner, and I was serious about the league's image, mandatory tattoo removal and shaved heads for all players. Don't like it? That's why they invented Canada, the 30% less America America.

1-1 this week in Fantasy Football so I'm sending a death threat out to Donovan McNabb for not being able to hit his two primaries, Reg Brown and Kev Curtis, and yielding me with paltry productivity in the WR column. I try to forget with booze and pills, but it's no use. That, and Marc Bulger forgetting how to throw doomed the Fulton Jews to an 0-1 start in my alleged money league. That's OK, Eli's hurt and I've got a top QB for the poor sap who picked him if he's willing to pay the price. Come to papa.

I'm sending a big death threat, of course, out to Arthur Blank, the architect of the return to glory for the Smith Family who previously owned the team. "Bring back Bartkowski and Hebert!" the people are shouting. People sigh when they reminisce about that charming rascal Rankin.

"Why, that Smith boy took a shine to my sister, Hattie, back in the summer of '28 during the Milton County Fair. I'll never quite forget how she was taken with the idea of having him as a beau."

The blunders are just astonishing in their frequency from the red and black. I thought Rich McKay was a personnel genius. What's going on? The Falcons don't seem to have any particular strength or excitement. Forget about Vick. They have deep problems all over the field. What a mess. Even with him at QB, it's 3-13 this year. With him out, I'm liking their chance for the top draft pick in April.

Also, a death threat to any football announcer who uses the new cliche "in space." This is the football lingo of 2007 to make the speaker sound more like a bonafide NFL insider. "He did a good job of containing the runner in space," I heard several times. This is vanity speak for someone who makes a good defensive move in the open field.

Just an hour after I made the last post, savaging Britney Spears' figure, comes this scolding article from the AP, who are clearly frustrated that their editor doesn't let them write fun stuff like we bloggers do without a care.

Is it fair to savage Britney's figure?

Thanks, for asking, AP. The answer is yes. Entertainment is built on fantasy. No one wants to pay to see 6s and 7s perform. Especially ones who are doing it just for drug money. If a restaurant serves bad cottage cheese, they're gonna get criticized. Same with female entertainers. If you're hot, I'll pay to look at you. Otherwise, what's the point?

I'd like to commemorate September 10th by whining. It's what people were doing a lot of before they woke up the next day. On the 11th, I will be solemn, but the 10th is the day for whining, and I've saved my biggest fattest fatwa for last.

The AJC devoted a huge center chunk of it's front page  and almost an entire inside page to the breaking news that Yogi and Panda's lawyers are doing a swell job pimping for illegal immigration. There was no other news today, except, oh yeah, that Iraq surge report is gonna be a lie when it comes out.

But no case drew more attention than that of VIVA 105.7 FM's "Yogi y Panda." Another Clear Channel morning duo —- 96rock's "Regular Guys" —- secretly taped Yogi and Panda in a bathroom and mocked them on air. Hernan, Taylor & Lee sued. The Regular Guys, whose stance against illegal immigration was a hit with fans, were fired days later.

Hate mail poured into the law firm. "One guy said he hoped we got the Ebola [virus] and died," Taylor said.

I really can't stand this reporter's selective presentation of facts to insinuate that I had anything to do with the hate mail and death threats they received. I have a large and passionate audience. How about the death threats that US citizens along the border receive every day by drug dealers and other opportunistic low-lifes who keep home owners hostage on their own property down there.

I wrote to this jerk.

Brian--

In your puff piece on 9/10 praising the sleazy tactics of the law firm of Hernan, Taylor, and Lee, you neglected to mention that the civil and criminal complaints regarding the bathroom recording of their clients, Juan Tapia and Eduardo Carias (aka, Yogi and Panda), against me and The Regular Guys Show was thrown out of court. The taping and airing of their restroom activities was deemed lawful by the Fulton County DA, and Hernan and Company were not successful in pressing their civil case due in large part to that ruling. Neither case had anything to do with illegal immigration or my on-air stance about it, which was decidedly mixed and fairly presented.

Even after the cases were settled and dismissed, Mr. Hernan knowingly made false statements in a public forum that I had been convicted of a crime that had never been prosecuted, for which he was threatened with sanctions and forced to retract.

While it's true that I was fired from Clear Channel and 96Rock, you may want to note that there was a settlement between Clear Channel and myself, and I came away no worse off then if my contract had simply expired 4 months later. In short, there was no misconduct on my part, yet the mythology continues.

It's a difficult and competitive enough environment in radio today without bearing the burden of the constant omission of what actually happened in that particular case, not to mention the negative innuendo that results when lazy reporters carrying water for a cause fail to report the full story. Richard Jewell was treated better by your paper.

Larry Wachs

His enfeebled, predictable response. 

Larry, I'm sorry you feel our coverage hasn't been fair. And I understand all your points here. But in the context of a story about the law firm, it would simply eat up too much space to describe the full outcome of each case. To do so completely, I would have to get the requisite comment from Taylor saying they had dropped the civil case out of "bigheartedness" (or something like that, I can't remember the exact word he used), then get your take on it. And by the time I've explained all the criminal and civil details, the reader is off on a tangent that really isn't relevant to my story. You'll notice there were several cases mentioned -- that of Fernando Benitez, the day laborers, etc. -- where resolutions weren't explained either. The important point for my story is that these guys are the ones taking these cases on. They win some. They lose some. But getting into the details of each one just wasn't appropriate for this story. That's my take. I hope you understand,

Brian

Yeah, I understand.  YOU HAD ONLY ENOUGH ROOM FOR TWO PAGES OF ASS-KISSING!!! Printing the truth might divert from the shilling for their "Monsters of Anarchy" Tour up and down Buford Highway.

Your figure sucks, too, ya lazy bastard. 

SONG PARODY TIME!!

Who doesn't like a good song parody?  Raise your hand.

No...I said only raise it if you DON'T like them.

OK. Good. That's everyone.

A former Clear Channel colleague sent me this one. I don't know who did it, and I don't think they want it known publicly that they're consorting with the likes of me anyway.

I added a little something at the end to make it even better.

So here's just what the doctor ordered to lighten the mood on this somber topic. A Mike Vick parody song to the tune of "Beers in Mexico" by that homosexual country singer Kenny Chesney.

BOUNTY, THE DOG HUNTER

Mike Vick made his first good choice in 5 years, and is now a convicted puppy molester after pleading guilty in court today. This should come as welcome news to my pal, Shlomo Jackleg, who was complaining to me that he's sick of the black guys who call up sports radio stations and complain that Vick is receiving unfair treatment due to the color of his skin.

I wondered why he listened to sports stations for such a topic since the Vick case has little to do with sports and, therefore, beyond the grasp of the hosts, who are generally liberal, afraid of upsetting the sports machine upon which they depend, and are as intellectually curious as the dumb jocks they chat up.

Shlomo told me that 2 Live Stews have been squarely in the defense of The Dog Hitler, but I think that's understandable when one realizes that The Stews have their jobs because they are black and are under constant duress to give back to the culture which supports them so fervently.

At least the Stews have an interesting point of view. At Shlomo's insistence, I tuned into a local white-hosted sports show and was rewarded by hearing one of the hosts get fed up with the callers who played the race card and then demand the screener not put those sorts of calls on the air anymore, which was disappointing to me as a listener. Why else would I listen to the show? To hear endless speculation about Vick's future? Who cares what happens to him? He wasn't so great to begin with.

Mike Vick was not prosecuted due to the color of his skin. He was prosecuted because of his culture. That's not necessarily a bad thing. There are good cultures and bad as we've witnessed during our monumental emotional struggle with how to deal with the brown people who have vowed to kill us.

When Imus was persecuted for the color of his skin earlier this year, it resulted in black leaders being forced to confront some of the unfortunate cultural choices made by the people they nominally lead.

"Yes, now that you mention it, Mr.Sharpton, why IS calling women bitches and hoes acceptable to ANYONE?"

Now with this case, we have a golden opportunity to expose these defenders of Michael Vick with a few simple questions instead of denouncing them out of hand and leading to more racial mistrust when something bigger is at stake, such as OJ killing again.

"As a practical matter, what would be the motivation to use race to destroy the career of someone who generated so much revenue for white people?"

"Do you know of any examples of white people in the NFL running dog fight operations but not being pursued?"

"Are you asserting that skin pigment and culture are so intertwined that certain behaviors are not the results of choice, but of nature?"

"Leonard Little of the Rams was convicted of vehicular manslaughter and played afterward. Is he black?"

...for starters.

It's only a matter of time before a talk host asks me to be on his show to discuss and give me full credit for these questions without using them unattributed as if he never read this blog.

I MUS' APOLOGIZE AGAIN

No sooner does Imus, pictured here saying "nappy-headed ho," receive a $20 million settlement from CBS, than Kia Vaughn...

...no, that's a Kia VAN!

I'm talking about the Rutgers Basketball Player,who is suing Imus for making his controversial remark.

Ya see, Rutgers did not win the 2007 NCAA women's basketball championship and because of Imus, they will never know the joy of being anonymous losers. They were forced to put up with the drudgery of having to go on Oprah and get their asses kissed by the governor.

The same governor, by the way, who can show actual damages against Imus because he broke every bone in his body racing over to Rutgers to hear the Imus apology. I don't know what the law provides as a remedy for people who get hurt in the act of traveling to pour gasoline on another person, but there's at least a whiff of merit.

According to ABC news:

"Don Imus is facing his first lawsuit from a player on the Rutgers Women's Basketball team for derogatory comments that cost him his job as a radio host in April..."

"First lawsuit"? Interesting choice of bias. Does ABC News know of more lawsuits or just wishfully urging? Won't those newsies be pouty if ABC hires him? Ha!

Let's look more at the plaintiff's case....

"The full effect of the damage remains to be seen," says her attorney, Richard Ancowitz..._jew

A claim of future damages? Then no money for you, sugar! The law only awards for actual damages, and not hurty hurt feewings from satirical generalities quoted in an email. Otherwise, excellent case! If I were Imus, I'd be quivering. Oh, he already is!

Well, If I were Imus I'd reach a settlement. It may be the cheapest way to prove to the world once and for all that she really is a ho. For $10,000, let him throw some hot coffee on her lap. She gets her money and something to really whine about. Everyone wins.

He should pay the whole team something because without them he'd a had to actually work for that $20 million. Give Uncle Sharpie a taste, too. And me too because....because. Oh yeah, I did a great rant on the CBS airwaves in favor of him. I have the CD of it somewhere around here. I can find it.

Will Imus go back on the air? Beats me. He could return, I guess, but honestly, if you're Imus and you just hit the motherlode for saying "nappy-headed ho" where's the incentive to move away from the dreaded and deadly n-word? And what radio exec in these turbulent industry times has the nerve to take that on, especially with the boutique audience Imus had?  Hell, they replaced him at WFAN with Boomer Esiason, who's less controversial than Jim Nantz at The Masters.

"Hey Boomer, what do you think of that Rutger's Women's Basketball Team?"

"Wow, aren't they somethin'? Good Mornin'! It's 6:22."

Yep. That's how they like it.

COMMITMENT TO EXCELLENCE

I'll admit I committed a crime today by stealing a neighbor's paper, but I don't think it should be addressed or punished by the legal system. Here's what happened:

I hopped into my car to go to get something to eat and I was starving. Literally. I had just run for 45 minutes in the heat, and after 35 minutes of getting cleaned up and inspecting myself, I could feel my body cannabilizing it's own lean muscle mass. Mouth is alive, all running inside, and I'm hungry like the wolf.

Here's the thing about me and hunger. I will kill, if need be, to get a meal. Not that I need to, but I am prepared to take another person's life if they stand between me and a meal that I think I must have.

I was a little crazed with hunger and forgot to bring along a paper to read which is a must for me. I do not enjoy chewing and staring at walls or talking to people. It's not pretty when I eat, especially when famished, and I'm very self-conscious about it, so I like to have some sort of publication to hide behind when push comes to chew.

Interestingly, this doesn't apply to video distractions. I do not enjoy eating while watching TV/video/internet because my chewing disrupts the dialogue or I have to pause the eating to click on something.

OK, so I'm crazy hungry and without literature. I decided to take the first newspaper I see in a neighbor's driveway. After all, it was almost 2pm, and at that point, if you haven't read the paper, you're not gonna.

I don't think I drove but 2/10ths of a mile before the perfect situation presented itself. Not only did this household have today's AJC yellowing in the summer heat of the driveway, but SUNDAY'S NEWSPAPER was still out in it's wrapper!!

Drove up to it, opened the door, hauled today's paper into the car, drove off in a hurry, almost colliding with a school bus traveling on the correct side of the street. Went to rustle up some chow.

In an article from this ill-gotten edition comes a mean-spirited nugget from the editors. Today being back to school for a lot of Metro Atlanta counties, they made a list of the dropout rates for high schools in northside counties.

Very little of it surprising, except for DeKalb County where the average dropout rate at the 21 schools listed was just over 30%. I expected higher. But within the list for DeKalb was this...

Now, DeKalb is one of America's wackiest counties, for sure, what with it being a part of Cynthia McKinney's former district, the Sheriff-elect there getting assassinated by the guy he beat in the election, the County Executive behaving more like Fred Williamson than a duly elected leader, and the interest in re-opening the Wayne Williams child murders over 20 years after the book had closed, just to name a few of the higher profile goings-on in the past few years. Gwinnett has made an impressive stab at the title what with the Runaway Bride and the Mansion Madame, but those were the crimes of the well-to-do, and on a day-to-day, street by street basis, Gwinnett is not nearly as insane as Dekalb. Dekalb is almost a leper colony.

So they really don't need the local insane asylum included in their listings of high school dropout rates. That's just piling on. They've got enough problems, and I don't even think a well-run county such as Cobb or Cherokee would be able to get one of these psychos to graduate, either. I don't even think it's a good idea for psychos to get diplomas. As I wrote in my children's book, "If You Give A Psycho A Diploma..."

If you give a psycho a diploma....

they will want a job......

...and if you give him a job....

....he will rape all the women and shoot all the men.

Belly sated, sanity returning, I felt remorse and started thinking of my crime today. I'm not a psycho. I want a job. I am a good worker. I deserve a job.

I put the paper back into order and rolled it into the original plastic baggie and tossed it back into the driveway from whence it came.

You can't tell the difference. No one but Jesus knows and he is very forgiving. No harm, no foul play, I say.

BLANK LEADERSHIP

Sorry. The company with which I host has been down a good chunk of the day, and you weren't able to click the ads to the left.

But we're back together again.

From the AJC:

Falcons owner Arthur Blank declined, multiple times, to say if he wants Michael Vick to play for his team this season — or if he wants him to ever wear a Falcons uniform again.

Journalists. Always the first to know and the last to tell. Where were the media enablers when Vick's stupidity and hijinks were obvious years ago, after Ray Lewis broke Vick's leg for selling him bad weed? Oh, yeah. They were hassling Limbaugh for saying that sportswriters are a bunch of bleeding hearts who tend to give extra cover to the black QB.

So much uncertainty. Oh, what will the Falcons do?

This happened to me once. Way way back a few months ago, I was accused of breaking the law and not following company policy. Guess what they did? They threw my ass out the door, even though it turned out later I was pure of heart and innocent of deed.

Looks like Vick is done for at least 2007. He had enough trouble with the offense and now he has to work on his defense. It's just too much for the infested speedster.

This uncertainty wouldn't have happened at a little dynasty called the Multi-Championed New England Patriots. Kraft and Belichick would have cut him faster than a Patriots sweatshirt when Bill makes his cute Flashdance-inspired coaching wear. They would have done it after that marijuana bottle incident at the airport. Hell, they would have done it two seasons ago on account of him not being able to pass accurately.

It's not like Arthur Blank has a tough puzzle on his hands. It's not like he's writing letters to Randy Cohen, The NY Times Ethicist. It's embarrassing and unfortunate, but not a tough call. Vick's been problematic in so many ways to anyone who hasn't invested in a stop watch company.

Where is Bobby Petrino in all this? He hasn't made a peep. Sure, he's a rookie, but he's the head coach and this is his QB. Can you lose with the public at all by stating that you don't want Vick to play? What's the worst that can happen? Getting fired for loving animals? It's not like being against animal abusers is the third-rail of American politics. Why doesn't he speak his mind?

What if Vick was caught playing "Shine My Rims" with an underage relative? Would the Falcons brain trust hesitate on what to do? No. Would the coach sit in the corner while the owner tippy-toes down the sideline? No. Would the professional journalists stroke their stubbled chins pondering his future with the team? Well, yeah, probably the journalists would.

I was gonna go up to the Falcons press conference on Vick today, but I made an ass out of you and me by assuming the journalists assembled there in all their collective experience and trusted wisdom to ask the hard questions and get the answers for an information-hungry society would ask my question for me, so I stayed home.

They did not ask my question.

What I want to know is, did Michael Vick's dogs at least win their fights?

Well?

We need to know if there's at least one good owner on the Falcons.

AYE, CHIHUAHUA!

AJC SEZ:

Team owner Arthur Blank and president/general manager Rich McKay returned from a vacation in Africa Wednesday morning and spoke with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell on a conference call to discuss the unprecedented development and how to proceed.

Welcome back from beautiful, sunny Burkina Faso, boys! Scouting? Hope you're relaxed and ready to deal. The AJC is taking an online poll to help guide you: 

As a Falcons fan, will you still go to the games if Michael Vick is not playing quarterback this season?

I'd have to say yeah, because Joey Harrington is better. Are you kidding? There's no comparison. He's a real QB, and uses his real name at all times. Harrington doesn't do bong hits on the team bus, and thus does not get distracted when opposing defenses put in their dime package, doesn't give or receive herpes, doesn't wear cornrows, and doesn't fight dogz. He doesn't care if his rims are shiny, either. If he can stay in the pocket and remember the game plan, who knows? The Falcons might win 6 games this year.

He's also right-handed, which helps a lot, because the industry trend in pro football these days is to shovel boatloads of cash to left tackles who have a rare combination of size, speed, and agility to protect the QB blind-side and make sure the team's top investment doesn't get his leg snapped in three. The Falcons have been forced to find a right tackle, and there is not much demand for those, so the college factories don't make them. And the way Mexico Ron jumps around, it's not worth the investment anyway.

I don't know if he's guilty of any of this stuff or what--eh, probably is--but it doesn't matter. Nobody with an analytical thought process needed this incident to know that he's of little help to the Falcons to get the Bowl. I'm gonna have to throw a flag on a lot of you people out there for late hits on Vick.

I know it's unpopular, illegal and all amongst us enlightened, but I just don't get as worked up over this crime as some do. I personally don't approve of it because it makes their meat tough and less flavorful, but that's just my taste. What about the way Warrick Dunn puts mice in his anus before feeding his python? Cruel? Compassionate? Nobody talks about that as long as he builds houses for single moms. Kiss ass.

To me, it's more like an un-PC move. Just not cool when there are millions of emotional animal lovers out there looking for another reason to whine about how humans are unfair for having thumbs and creating the Rule of Law.

What's really cruel, if you ask me, is breeding more little Vicks, especially when you give a chick blisters on her petunia while trying. Cruel that. DOUBLE CRUEL!!!  I think his mama should go to jail for raising Marcus. Alas, the window of prosecutorial opportunity has closed on those, and so the pooches. It's like getting Capone for income tax evasion.

Sure dog-fighting is distasteful and backwards, but after studying them, I think we can agree that this is what many dogs like to do. They enjoy barking and fighting. And try as we may to put sweaters and ribbons and fancy coifs on them, most of them are just not up to being people. For some, it's their job to go nuts. When I see neighbors walking their dogs and they encounter one another, the dogs always must be restrained, because they can't wait to kick another dog's ass. Even though they are neighbor dogs and probably have seen one another 20 times that week, and probably humped each other a couple of times, they still snarl and leap and spit at one another like Eric Von Haessler at a show prep meeting.

Now, if Ron Mexico was fighting poodles, I'd have to say that's very wrong. Just like some women are born to be strippers and others are not, I think the DA needs to get some of the dogs on the witness stand to see which ones wanted to fight, and maybe that'll help clear things up so we can get Vick back and trade him for some 2008 picks and a case of Yoo-Hoo. Remember, everyone thought the Duke lacrosse players were guilty.

Occasionally, a Lassie or a Benji will come along and set the dog world on it's ear with the progress they make for the breed. At one point in each generation comes a dog so great that it makes people want to let dogs vote in elections, like Air Bud inspired Americans in the mid-90s when he flew missions over Bosnia.  Those are like the Bill Gates and  Chuck Yeager of dogs, although Benji struck me more like Nathan Lane. Still, not too shabby. The vast majority of the others are like John Daly. There's something really special about them, but they're capable of unmitigated stupidity at any moment.

Lots of cruel and backward activities take place on farms, by the way. People have sex with chickens, for example. Vick didn't have sex with the dogs...I mean, dogz...right? OK, then. I didn't see that in the indictment. All he did was maybe shock a few of them or withhold food to make them pissier or take pictures of them nude and stack them in pyramids. It was Abu Vick over there for sure, but let's be clear...he didn't sex the dawgz.

A lot of people raise animals and eat them on farms. Vick didn't EAT the dogeezz either, so...hypocrisy on yer ass.

Well, it's been an emotional day for all of us ATLeans, so let me just end this by saying we'll all be better off this fall if the Falcons can put Mike in touch with R Kelly's attorney. 

BECAUSE I CARE

Let's look back on the news of the week that I cared about. As the bowling alley DJ said to us this evening, "Let's break it down...and don't forget, the crab legs are off the chain." In a bowling center, I think the crab legs would more likely be off the hook, but then again, I'm old school when it comes to bowling, and I like to bowl with the lights on and the quiet turned up, as it tends to keep my score higher than when bowling under the auspices of a disco strobe and subwoofer, and I don't think hot seafood and sport mix. When was the last time you saw an NFL offensive line chow down on lobster and corn while the D was on the field?

Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma got involved in the War Against Radio yesterday claiming that he overheard Senators Clinton and Boxer conspiring to do something about broadcasters who air dissenting shows. The usual shouting erupted about how totalitarian the two girlish senators are, as if we needed any further evidence, and Senator Inhofe was hailed as a hero for revealing this bit of scandalous chit-chat between the two girlish Stalinists, and for pushing the Death of Radio clock back a bit to 3 minutes before midnight.

In the fuss and clamor, what was not considered by fans of radio and freedom was that there is a large possibility that Senator Inhofe made the whole thing up. Lied through his teeth. And that's fine with me, because fans of radio and freedom need to play a little more offense these days to save themselves from oblivion at the hands of the high-heeled enemy.

Back in March, I wrote:

"It's only a mild sprain," chirp the beat writers, as if this is a fluke for Chipper and he won't ever get hurt the entire season. As if he won't sprain his thumb eating a ham biscuit or something by the time May rolls around. Boy, these guys really know the drill.

All I'm saying is, don't expect anything more than a mild improvement over last year's Braves team. The bullpen is vastly improved, but you have to have a bunch of starters who can hand them a lead...

Here in June, Chipper is DL bound again, thanks to his off-season Mickey D's regimen. The Braves have a decent half a major league rotation, and the team has failed to score in 27 innings of late...at home. Cost-cutting has once again yielded a bumper crop of firm tasteless fruit for fans of local entertainment. Now that the sale is through, there are no more excuses for the management of the team. Start spending on players again, and start getting a little more ruthless with the local and homegrown players. Why do you think the Patriots are always a Super Bowl pre-season favorite? Because a guy like Bill Belichick would have traded Andruw and Chipper 3 years ago to get some good pitching and long ball.

The Falcons made the same mistake with Vick. He should be doing his rag in Oakland right now, and we should be watching Calvin Johnson hand Brian Finneran a nice gold watch. But no. We are stuck with a QB that will either will be forbidden to play or incapable of winning. For why? Don't offend the fan base. Better to be 6-10 than win and be hated in the land of Martin. As savings and loan superstar Henry Potter once said, "sentimental hogwash."

You May Be An Asshole If:

from boingboing.net: Mitchell Silverman, an attorney in Florida, noticed in a recent news-story that GW Bush's twin daughters presented him with a mix CD of exercise music for Father's Day. Since the record industry maintains that making and distributing mix CDs is a copyright infringement, Silverman sent their legal offices a letter on letterhead asking them to sue the first twins for "stealing music."

But You May Be Just Another Crummy Lawyer If:

from Mr. Silverman's blog: It has come to my attention that noncommercial copying of digital music recordings may not be an infringement under Title 17 of the U.S. Code, "Copyrights." I apologize for any confusion I may have caused or any mistaken impression I may have given.

The DOT has approved the funding and given the green light to fix my teeth. The project begins July 25th and will stretch over the remainder of the summer season. Watch this blog for updates and lane closures. I'm excited.

That's all I really cared about this week.

IF I READ OJ'S CONFESSION, HERE'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

On the 13th anniversary of OJ's arraignment for murder, here's a leaked copy of OJ's squashed confessional book for your very own. I didn't read it, but if I did, I may have been shocked and angered. 

Now, if I were shocked and angered by this book, I might have said terrible things after reading this, like OJ and Bob Shapiro should be executed. Johnnie Cochran should be exhumed and killed again. Same with Kardashian, although I might've said that I'd accept Fuhrman being allowed to run over his whore slut daughter's head with an SUV. I might have been angered enough to suggest that we send the low-lifes on that jury to Darfur or Rwanda or Iran and let them fend for themselves.

Theoretically, I could owe Kato an apology myself for giving him a hard time if I indeed ever gave him a hard time, which I'm not saying I did, and, having not read it, I'm not sure if it's warranted.

SCIENCE!

How is it that it takes a film studio about 3 hours after a premiere to determine whether a movie stays or goes, a TV network knows within 3 weeks the fate of their new programs, but it takes a radio company 3 years and then maybe just one more quarter to determine whether something DOA will suddenly catch fire? The head. It is on auto-shake.

If that is not enough necksercise for you, CSPI, the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the research and development arm of the Center for Cash Hungry Attorneys With No Discernible Plaintiffs has successfully threatened Kellogg's to back off of using Shrek and other cuddly characters in their ads for cereal.

Science. That's a word that means when you figure that cereals with sugar and cuddly characters endorsing them have been around since before the word obesity was invented, then maybe cereal characters should be thrown out as a suspect in child obesity cases. Science. It can tell you exactly how many households have obese children with incomes over $10 a year make purchasing decisions for the family.

Meanwhile....

If you doubt for a second that porn is completely accepted in the mainstream of American life for people under 30, catch the next ad for AXE Body Spray, or, if you're not a fan of "Adult Swim," "Scrubs" or "Kyle XY," as I am, click here to see.

Their current marketing campaign is summed up by the simple slogan, "Bom Chick a Wah Wah," which is the phonetic pronunciation of a classic guitar lick played during porn scenes. Does this work at all if the target audience doesn't know much about porn?

Big Cologne has always marketed it's products as lady magnets. But they drew the line at what would happen after you got the ladies by the nose. Hai Karate showed adult men fending off (and punching!) horny women in the 60s. Even Hai Karate men had traditional ethical and moral boundaries and they were enforced with a haymaker, if necessary.

The Old Spice Guy attracted women hanging about the wharf, but even they went off into the soft-focused distance, perhaps to a cozy chowder restaurant with a fireplace for some romance. He had a shot, but not a certainty.

"Bom Chick a Wah Wah." Whoa! The Axe people are betting the sex farm that their target audience of 16-30 knows plenty about porn, even it's musical conventions, thus guaranteeing them an encounter with women so sexually aggressive that one sniff of AXE will overcome any gestures of romance or self-defense by the wearer to create a real life porn scene. The floor may even sprout shag carpeting.

Keep chasing Tony the Tiger. He's a problem.

ROOM SERVICE

Paris Hilton finally gets a Best Picture award...from me.

Sometimes you don't have to be careful what you wish for. This is very satisfying.

What are you gonna do, skeezer? Kill yourself? That'll show us. Oh, please don't.

TB OR NOT TB?

Hey, maybe if I masturbate into Diane Sawyer's hair while she's sleeping on a plane, it'd be OK by her. After all, if I have nothing contagious...

That's the hint I'm getting from journalism's morning princess and her exclusive soft toss to Andrew Speaker, the local contagion made internationally famous by selfishly flying all over Europe with drug-resistant TB. Diane touted he 31-year old lawyer's of holding a tape of CDC officials permitting him to go overseas. OK, I haven't heard it. But who makes a tape of their conversations about such matters other than a lawyer crafting his defense for what he knows is at best a selfish act and potentially a felony? Hey, if he can fly with TB, can I finally use my cell phone during flights?

The least he could have done was made some a stop in Iran to breathe on people. Why can't we fight dirty like they are? Quarantine him with the shoe bomber until he's better or dead. Unless he's gay, because that would be judgmental and stigmatic and infringe on his rights to...you know.

Well, never mind. That ain't no Doris Day by his side.

No doubt the idea of losing his prize cooter was a prime motivator in his decision to marry and honeymoon overseas, TB and others be damned. I, too, would be inclined to find an excuse to jet off with a Paris Hilton/Blanket Jackson lookalike, but it wouldn't make me any less selfish. What about her lungs? He only seems to care about their external side.

It also concerns me that this cavalier chap and this rare drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis both resided here in the ATL. Who else has it and where are they? Note to self: Stop sitting on Quik-Trip toilet seats.

In the lighter side of health news, I was at the store today and the Krispy Kreme folks have emerged from research and dvelopment with a new whole wheat glazed donut. That's hilarious. Whole grains. So healthy. Enrobed in fat and sugar. So not. Which will win? Good or evil? It's the most dramatic donut in decades!

FINE BY ME

A big holiday just passed and most Americans missed it, me included. No, not Shavuos. I'm on top of that one. Got me some cool cargo shorts with a picture of Moses receiving the tablets on the ass. Old Navy had a sale.

I'm referring to National Seat Belt Day, the only holiday in America where people are punished for not celebrating. Woe to those who disobey the Cones of  Patriotism.

Let me stipulate for people with sensitive sensibilities who worry that other points of view and insights might cause others to do something foolish such as decide for themselves what's best, that I do think seat belts are a valuable weapon in the fight against going through a windshield. But there are some valid reasons why NOT to wear seatbelts that every individual should consider. These don't get the press or airtime that they should.

-Seat belts DO crumple clothing. You should ask yourself before buckling, "Is it worth covering the <1% risk that you'll die in a car wreck on that trip, and exposing myself to a scuttled business deal or a soured engagement to a wealthy divorcee, because I show up looking like a used towel?" People who wear nice clothes rarely flip cars and drive recklessly. That's what people in T-shirts with crazy sayings do.

-Seat belts keep the black man down. Literally. Not in my America, I say.

-I don't feel like it. Probably the best reason of all, because it thoroughly rejects the notion that one has to have an excuse to exercise personal choice.

Maybe next year festive-minded safety authorities will see reason to make May 5th National Border Control Day, checking all the vans and helping those who have become untethered from from their native land to buckle up and avoid going headlong into our treasury.

DARLING, TAKE ME TO SEE PARIS IN THE JAIL

How do you make America fall in love with lesbian prison rape? Sentence Paris Hilton to 45 days in county detention.

Here are some sample comments from a plurality of opinionated web commenters:

Paris is going to be staring in the remake of that old Linda Blair Movie, "Born Innocent" especially the scene where she goes to jail and is raped by a bunch of women with a broom handle.

Best news I've had all fucking year ! I hope they butt fuck her until she... Wait, that won't bother her nasty ass. Maybe they can make that bitch mop a floor !, then shove the handle up her worthless snatch !

(Some year this person is having, huh?) 

The best part will be when paris is bent over with the broomhandle waiting to pierce her rectum and she will look over her shoulder and say the 6 words every celebrity says at one time in their life, "Don't you know who I am???"

I feel hypocritical and that's almost a felony in some states.

On one hand, I hate Paris Hilton and look forward to her spending time with 45 days of low thread counts and infrequent bathing. Yet, I also feel that non-violent prisoners serving a sentence of less than two months should not have the extra burden of being physically victimized tacked on to their confinement. That's like allowing motorists to throw trash at correctional inmates while they are by the side of the road picking up trash, which I do from time to time, but I realize it's wrong for some unknown reason, and I'm going to look into stopping it.

Hmmmm....HMMMMMMM!!! I am very troubled and annoyed at myself for not being able to come up with any moral certitude or self-congratulating stance on this important issue. I must be slipping in my chosen craft.

In times like these I like to give myself the Magic Mind Quiz to reveal my real feelings. The Magic Mind Quiz is a series of discrete yes or no questions that never fail to reveal the quiztaker's true feelings on any subject. You can play, too. OK, clear your mind and hold your calls. Here we go. 

Question 1: Do you hate Paris Hilton?

yes.

Question 2: Did Paris Hilton deserve jail time?

yes.

Question 3: Do you think prison rape as a de facto extra sentence for non-violent offenders is fair punishment?

no.

Question 4: Would it be fair if Paris Hilton were attacked by lesbians in prison?

no.

Question 5: Would it be bad if Paris Hilton were attacked by lesbians in prison?

no.

Hmmmm...HMMMM! Interesting. According to the MMQ lab results, what my mind is saying is that Paris Hilton has been the beneficiary of unfair treatment for so long, that perhaps now it's time for her to "give back to the community" a little.

Slumber, I ride your sleek, winged unicorn at last. 

MONDAY NIGHT FEVER

More sad justice news in the House of Wachs. As you know, for many years, I've led the life of an insider and have traveled in some very select circles. I've been to the home of TVs Jimmy Kimmel. I was the co-host for Danny Bonaduce's first ever radio show. I stood next to Kato Kaelin as the OJ verdict was being read. I've parked at Publix next to Jeff Foxworthy's car. I worked, for many years, with someone who once interviewed John Travolta. Hall of Fame pitcher Jim Palmer lived in my basement. Just a few of the many reflected glories in which I've basked over the years.

Surprisingly, never in all these years have I turned on the radio and heard a news bulletin concerning someone I actually know.....until now. Wrestling's Glen "Disco Inferno" Gilberti was arrested the other day in a raid on a poker game in a Roswell home. I recall him asking awhile back if I'd like to play in this game, and I declined because I had other commitments the night in question and I didn't have that much cash. But I don't think the buy-in was anywhere near the $10,000 as reported on the news.

I really don't know any more details than what the news reports say. Got his voicemail and left him a message of support.  I like Glen and I always hate to see someone shafted in a victimless crime, unless you count the state of Georgia's own monopoly on gaming a victim. So I offer help in the form of a brand new shirt.

The Free Disco Inferno t-shirt available now at the House of Wachs store. The shirt is not free.

If you like wrestling and libertarianism the way I do, then you'll want to purchase this all cotton beauty today at the refurbished House of Wachs Store. Profits will go to Disco and his legal defense fund.

STRAIGHT HAIRED BASTARD

My mother found my home number again.

"Did you hear about Ibis?" she asks me.

"What?"

"Ibis."

"You mean Imus?"

Ibis?  It's two syllables. Does she receive all her news by telephone from a friend with a bad sinus problem? One certainly doesn't view the letters "I-M-U-S" and come up with "Ibis."

"Yes, Imus. Did you hear what happened?"

"I'm out of work, not off the planet."

Do you think Reagan's mother ever called him and asked, "Did you hear about what happened to Nixman?"

"I think they're gonna fire him." Translation: They should put you on in his place.

"I don't know. We'll see. He makes a lot of money for them. What did he say anyway?"

"He called someone a nappy-haired ho." I knew that. I just wanted to hear my mother say "nappy-haired ho." Guilty.

"What do you think of this whole mess?"

"It's so stupid." Now you know where I get my writing talent.

It is certainly stupid. But that's what political correctness has brought us; one ridiculous claim after another, until we have been engineered to believe without question some of the most asinine things people can dream up.

What started as the white lie to help lubricate social intercourse, has morphed into mandatory conformity with absurdity. We are clearly a less intelligent world due to political correctness. Even the term "political correctness" is too vague and friendly for a concept that has had divisive consequences for civil society. Emotionally Challenged, EC, is more accurate. It's that simple. Political Correctness is a form of emotional retardation.

Witnesseth the spread:

(from AllAccess.com)

NASSAU BROADCASTING Classic Hits WSBG/STROUDSBURG morning host GARY SMITH has been fired over a stunt that used the same phrase that got DON IMUS into trouble. According to a report in the POCONO RECORD, listeners heard SMITH use "I'm a nappy-headed ho" as the "Phrase that Pays" on the air TUESDAY morning.

In just 48 hours a phrase once considered as innocuous as it is ubiquitous in the popular culture, has been stripped of all it's important context to become synonamous with the dreaded _wN_bc-word. In a sane world that phrase would still pay. Not anymore. Just saying it is a "stunt gone awry" waiting to happen. Like holding a water drinking contest. Who knew, a year ago, that competitive water drinking would today be off limits for broadcasters? Right now, I'm busy hoarding boxes of Spic and Span cleaner for their future value as Ebay kitsch.

"....he's violated our community," said Bruce Gordon, former head of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, euphemistically known as the NAACP, for people uncomfortable with the idiotic assemblage of words behind the acronym. I've always considered it vulgar for people to anoint themselves as a clearinghouse for people of a certain skin tone. Strictly speaking, slave ships advanced colored people, too, but it wasn't a good thing.

He, meaning Imus (or Ibis...not that there's anything wrong with that), has violated Bruce Gordon's community according to Bruce Gordon. Being rendered functionally unintelligent by political correctness you won't hear many people asking Bruce the following perfectly logical questions:

"What is your community?"

"Where is your community located?"

"Does your community own property?"

"Do you own this community?"

"Are people with the same physical characteristics considered a community? Why?"

"Is it now legal to own people?"

"Have these people in your community granted you power of attorney?"

"What was the violation of the law?"

"Did your community contact you about this matter, or did you contact them?"

...for starters.

Gordon said that as a matter of principle, firing Imus should be an easy decision to make...

Actually it's a matter of politics, fascist politics, because that's what political correctness is; politics with the absence of principle.  Politics for the sole corrupt principle of the rules being whatever benefits the  speaker. Political porn.

In law, if there are no damages, there are no awards. In the supernatural law of Emotional Correctness, however, a man must forfeit some material wealth for upsetting the emotional well-being of his ever-growing number victims found by the vigilantes of emotional distress.

Ironically, Imus may be the person least damaged by his dismissal. There are executives, shareholders, workers, and advertisers who would feel the pinch and not all of them in a retirement position yet or remotely culpable. Some of them the same color as those poor, victimized scholars at Rutgers.

GET OUTTA HERE, YOU'RE KILLING US!

So much confusion swirling in my head. I come back to town and things are not right. Let's empty it all out on a clean sheet of virtual paper and see if we cannot make some sense of it.

I was mildly surprised over the weekend to see that in the AJC's business section, they had a glowing profile of the brothel in Gwinnett belonging to Lisa Ann Taylor, aka Melissa Wolf, aka The Prostitute at Sugar Loaf.

"...the master bedroom has red —- lipstick red —- walls. The spacious suite is on the main level and, accented with rich fabrics and Asian motifs, casts a sensuous mood.

"This," said Lisa sardonically as she strolled into the suite, "is the infamous bedroom."

Silk, velvet and brocade pillows are piled high on the bed next to a faux mink throw. And a gracefully curving chaise slopes invitingly before the suite's fireplace, one of four in the house."

Obviously, this room was not designed for prostitution at all.

The rest of the article lovingly describes what is a very splendid home for a hard-working woman trying to please men but finds herself charged with violating RICO statutes. I tend to believe she's guilty of nothing more serious than lowering her neighborhood's property values and raising their divorce rate, but still....

Contrast that with when Yours Jewly took one for the team a few months back. Do you recall seeing this in the AJC?

The disgraced radio host's kitchen has beautiful, seamless granite countertops with a raised eat-in kitchen bar on the island. Wachs' floors are hardwoods all the way back to the spacious and sunny family room wired for surround sound and with a stone gas fireplace, leading out to a charming porch with chairs for a smoke and a sip on a late Friday evening as you wonder what the hell is going on?

No you didn't read that. Because they didn't do any such profile of me. Sucks. What next? A tour of Heather the Hottie Bank Robber's vacation home in Destin?

Melissa Wolf has some great PR skills buried underneath her other two-letter anagram skills, I will grudgingly admit. Even her reviews on The Erotic Review, the consumer reports of prostitution, are uniformly glowing. This from a gentleman named MuffMaster69:

"....After a very sloppy (and the good kind of sloppy) **** I returned the favor by feasting on her beautiful ****...Man, it like eating honey! She must've **** 3 times!!!!!!!!"

Very nice, but wouldn't it be a little safer for society and children if Whole Foods sold honey that was flavored like the vagina of a 42-year old stripper who's been with over 300 men, women, and objects in the past month? Less stigma. Higher property values.

I hope they ran the piece to help her sell the place faster and at a better price. I can get behind that. I think the Gwinnett DA is really going over the top on this one, although it does distract him from shutting down more Mexican grow houses.

But she needs to sell that house and get out of that neighborhood. She got a little too wild for the room. In theory, the idea of having a brothel in your subdivision has immense appeal. But after thinking it over with some soap and a washcloth in my shower, I've decided that in practicality, It's better to have a golf course. She's gotta sell it.

You should hire a decorator to fancy up an abandoned warehouse along Route 29 in Lawrenceville and you'll have all the business you can handle in a neighborhood where no one cares, honey biscuit.

Also singeing my nerves these days is the research project I've undertaken to find a new car for my beautiful wife as the lease is almost up on her current buggy. Great timing, lease.

I do like leasing, though. You get a new car for an affordable price every 3 years. No one really wants a car older than that.

It's hard enough buying a car as a man, for yourself. But getting a car for a woman is triply painful.

"Honey, look at this. Consumer Reports loves it. JD Power is glowing. It's got passing speed, cargo room and great safety features, plus Sirius, sunroof, navigation, third row seating, and it's $200 less per month than the older car your driving now."

"Does it have a pedicure protector on the gas pedal?"

"Uh...no."

"I don't want that car."

Now I'm getting a barrage of calls and email from car dealers well into 8:30 at night when I'm trying to watch American Idol while I clean my gun.

Here's my favorite call of today:

"Hi, this is Sandy from James Lofton Hummer in Lithonia. How are you today, Mr......Wash..is?"

"Wachs."

"Walks?"

"Wachs."

"Wolchez?"

"Wachs!"

"Way-chiz?"

"Wachs!"

"Woks?"

"OK, fine."

"Well, that's good. Mr...Walsh, the reason I'm calling is....."

Wait, lemme guess. You're calling to sell me a car?

"...that the 2007 Acura Labia w/Premium package and Alloy Wheels is still available."

What a surprise!

"I'm not interested in that car anymore. But thank you."

"Oh, what models are you looking at, do you mind me asking?"

It's really not her concern now, is it?

Oh, there is a way to turn around a "no," but this friendly chit-chat is not it.

Had she said, "Look, come in. I'll give you a nice massage in the conference room and then you can have the car for $120 a month," I would have changed my mind and bought it. Doesn't make the car any safer or less of a rapidly depreciating piece of junk, but I'm not driving it, so what do I care?

Hang up, sharp knees. You lost the sale. There'll be others. Just not now.

The Braves are looking weak to me, but they have world class PR people on the payroll, and great spin will put people in the seats despite the giant holes in the roster that the Mets, Marlin, or Phils will gallop through around July. Contributing to the problems: injury prone players, outfielders trying out for 2nd base, counting on Mike Hampton. Even "Salty," lasts year's spring phenom has been outrighted to another year at Double A.

Now Chipper has an ankle sprain. This after switching to bigger shoes to alleviate his foot problems, and telling the media how he didn't work out at all in the offseason.

Jeff Schultz of the AJC interviewed him March 5th.

"Last year I worked out three hours a day and I still played 110 games," Jones said. "I worked so hard on my core last offseason, and what happens? I get two oblique injuries.

"I was drinking a lot of whey shakes, eating a lot of protein bars, a lot of oatmeal, a lot of yogurt, a lot of eggs whites."

And now?

"And now, I still have a lot of egg whites, but with the yolks," he said. "Candy bars have taken the place of the protein bars. Instead of the whey shakes, I get those cookies-and-cream milkshakes from Chick-fil-A."

Oh yummy! What a delicious way to say, "I'm 35, I've got enough money. I don't give a shit anymore, so quit hassling me you left-wing sissy sportswriter who's probably an anemic putz and got teased and lived in a plastic bubble when he was 9." And that's fine. He's earned it. I probably would, too, if I could.

But for dignity and PR sake, couldn't Chipper just switch to a better trainer or regimen instead of flaunting the fact that he's made a choice to be the new John Kruk? You're not John Kruk. People liked him for his Regularguyishness^TM, not his belly. Do you think America would've have embraced Gary Cooper if he had manboobs? Fat and stoic is no way to go through life, son.

"It's only a mild sprain," chirp the beat writers, as if this is a fluke for Chipper and he won't ever get hurt the entire season. As if he won't sprain his thumb eating a ham biscuit or something by the time May rolls around. Boy, these guys really know the drill.

All I'm saying is, don't expect anything more than a mild improvement over last year's Braves team. The bullpen is vastly improved, but you have to have a bunch of starters who can hand them a lead, and I may be wrong, but perhaps the memory of Ryan Howard hitting 3 of Tim Hudson's best pitches out of the park in one game still is fresh.

I think most fans understand that the sale of the team is affecting operations significantly so you get what you get and have less margin for error than other clubs. When your personnel can't get it done, you need to marshall all your PR resources to make it entertaining and dramatic for the 6 long, hot months ahead. I hope they do well. I hope they surprise. Just do it at the expense of somebody else's radio career this time, please? Drain resources from the Cowboy Bob show why don't you? Thanks.

No doubt the club has made the town a better, more prideful place in the last decade, so they deserve some patience while the lawyers and accountants do their thing for a couple of years. I leave you with this quote from a motorist placard at the 316/85 interchange construction project:

"Let 'em work. Let 'em live. Slow down." Amen.

And amen to my good pal, the Kimmer, who chose to exercise his FU money option and retire from the game of radio after a couple of great centuries. Semper Fi, big buddy. Where's that job you turned down? I know someone who'd be great for it. You're killing me!

SPACE AGE ROMANCE, LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS

The story about this killer astronaut chick has been like a fly buzzing around my head all day. Media is more fly-like these days, I've decided. Nervously darting from interest to interest, looking for fresh carcass, stirring up shit, never remembering anything that happened more than a second ago.

In the accused killer astronaut's favor, I have heard from top astronauts such as David Bowie,  Elton John, and Stanley Kubrick that it gets mighty lonely up there and oftentimes our spacepeople see other beings from other galaxies who have a different and, sometimes, superior moral code than ours on Earth, so who's to say violence wasn't the right choice in this case?

If I were her lawyer, I'd claim that ET told her it was the right thing to do. It would outrage many because ET is, after all, a pillar of our society and seemingly unimpeachable due to his tireless emotional appeals for love and unity, but it may work.

Our brains are not as developed as, perhaps, other beings. I read where we only use 4% of our brains on any given day. We're not nearly as advanced as we think. No, as long as this stays between astronauts, we civilians should stay out of it, because it's not "our thing." 

Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom, authorities said. Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry...

Obviously the woman is nuts, but I've gotta give her some respect on this one. How embarrassing it must be to government officials who must now explain how they spent our tax dollars to train a woman how to diaper herself, so she could drive non-stop to kill the competition for some cock?

So, how good and charitable and saintly do you feel now after seeing the effects of dumbing down entry standards in the military, good-intentioners? I'm sure her government evaluators were in on the fix to characterize her borderline personality as "strong-willed," so that equally nutty and gullible women could join up for the military and send their votes to their pure-hearted benefactor, Senator Lesbian McVictim.

Outside of political gain, women currently have no business being in space. There's simply nothing for them to do.

The woman's big mistake was not doing her deeds up in space. I don't think there are any laws in space yet, so you can do pretty much what you want. The only reason nothing goes wrong up there is that the astronauts are lied to and told that there are laws in space, and that they're going to count the number of astronauts on the way up and if the number coming back doesn't match up, they will be punished. If I'm wrong about this, please show me your source for the official laws of Space, written by someone not named Roddenberry or Wells.

How far do our laws go? Anyone know? Discuss. As far as a rocket can take us? What if someone killed someone a light year away? By the time you hear about it, everybody's dead anyway. It's unenforceable.

What if we get out of the rocket on the moon? Who's call is it? Right now, as you read this, people on the moon are allowed to kill each other, which is why we've seen fewer moon landings of late and no one is currently there. That's why we need to establish before our sworn enemies do, our way of life on the moon. We need to get up there, kill every sentient being we find and start fresh. Because they won't accept our laws of decency and justice. They are lawless. We have no time to waste. The Muslims are almost finished building their giant ladder to the moon.

YOU FOULED OUT, SUCKAH!

Today, for the third time in a few weeks, I saw Hebrew written on the back of a Doraville cop car. Since Jews are not known for graffiti or other acts of vandalism, except for profit, I'm pretty sure the Hebrew lettering was put there on purpose by the Doraville Police. It looked very professionally done, not left to right as so many foolish amateurs and vandals would do.

I don't know what it says. My Hebrew school experience only got me to the point where I can distinguish Hebrew fonts and not mix them up with Arabic or Chinese fonts. I'm also not inclined to ask cops questions about their vehicle or read it when they're in the middle of apprehending a dangerous strip club refugee caught doing 65mph and when I'm doing 85.

I like it whatever it says. Hebrew on a cop car really gives dignity to a group of people who have been portrayed as sniveling little weasels by emasculated poodle males such as Ben Stiller, Woody Allen, and the cast of "Numbers" for far too long. That's why I have officially boycotted CBS' new show "Armed and Famous." Here's one of their press releases:

Celebrity cops hit the streets

Erik Estrada, La Toya Jackson, Jack Osbourne, Jason "Wee-Man" Acuña and Trish Stratus Star In A New Series Which Follows Celebrities As They Become Working Police Officers in Muncie, Indiana.

Notice not a single Jew. Even that intractable, puffy pussy lip, Jack Osbourne gets to represent all the other hopeless offspring of British rockers. Oh, and midgets and lipstick lesbians and Hispanics on a police force? What city doesn't have that these days?

Bottom paragraph in the press release:

ARMED & FAMOUS is produced by Emmy Award winner Tom Forman ("Extreme Makeover: Home Edition"), Jeffrey Kramer ("Ally McBeal") and Michael Braverman ("Jesse Ventura's America") for Tom Forman Prods. and Good TV, Inc.

So I'm pissed at that show and I will boycott it until their JEWISH producers put me on it with Goldberg. I would be the clever, thinking Jew, and Goldberg would be the famous brawny Jew, and we would then get a spinoff series called, "Oy, You're Killing Me," and we would capture criminals and autograph their foreheads with money notation as follows

Wach$ 

Goldberg$$

as our signature crime-fighting move, like Colombo would pretend to be forgetful, and Angela Lansbury would go down on suspects to get them to talk.

In addition to being an anti-Semitic show, "Armed and Famous" is also dangerous and immoral in it's conception.

There is some merit to the theory that celebrity cops can be an asset in apprehending criminals because their fame can disarm the criminal suspect who is a fan. And with literally millions of fans out there, as in the case of LaToya Jackson, who not only has her millions of fans, but also several more millions who mix her up with Michael and Rebbie, most of whom are no more than 2 degrees separated from a real criminal, it's liable to make a real dent in the Newark of the farm belt, Muncie, IN,  much like Truman Capote did to clean up Kansas in the 60s.

However, in the long term, the acceptance of the idea that celebrities can become real cops is risible, and will no doubt be taken to extremes as do all things celebrities touch.

Now that celebrities have invaded poker, for example, you can't have a neighborhood game anymore without some guy arguing that we should use his yacht and he gets to select the whores and who's the sponsor for the hats and sunglasses? and should the $10,000 buy-in include catering? Whatever happened to a nice game of $5 limit with some beer, weed, sandwiches, and VCR porno in the in-law bedroom? Everything celebrities touch becomes complicated, man.

I have no doubt that, if successful, this show will push us all down a slippery slope, at the bottom of which lie Celebrity Only police forces in which normal, anonymous folks who are probably selfless, brave, and low maintenance are pushed out of the business of policing. Cops will give themselves televised awards every March. And say hello to your new drug-sniffing K-9 unit: 

ReganBooks announces the fall 2010 release of the new tell-all book--"Ruff Night" The True Story of Tinkerbell, the Drug-Sniffing Dog. The compelling narrative follows the legendary crime-fighting dog of LAPD Commissioner Paris Hilton as it is admitted to a rehab facility and looks back on it's 25 dog years of social ordering and eating the peanut butter of her mistress.

So let's boycott this ill-conceived, Anti-Semitic, self-hating TV program, "Armed and Famous," lest we wake up one day in the future and read headlines like this:

Shaq chases alleged hit-and-run driver

SHOW ME THE SUNNI

Just one quick note on the shocking and sudden death of the Father of the Mother of all Battles, Saddam Hussein.  I'm really happy that it's been taken care of, but the news of his demise has been strangely unsatisfying. Can we speed up the process a bit? Five days is less than 30, but at this rate, we won't conquer terrorism before the year 5000. Patience is a virtue with an expiration date.

The best that bloodthirsty Americans such as myself can hope for visually, is this cell phone video of the hanging from an Iraqi with the DTs.  It's better than nothing and I kinda like the way they threw gang signs at him and then dropped the floor on him right as he was in the middle of ranting again about how smart he was and he was a victim of deceit and disrespect...blah..blah..blah...then OOOFF! Right as he's about to announce that Judy Regan is publishing his book, "I Didn't Gas the Kurds...But If I Did," one last giant FU to him.

But the rest, except for a couple of seconds of Saddam's blurry face after he dies, still doesn't do the trick. This is what the internet is made for, but it's not gonna work out for democracy if we keep sanitizing events such as this. How will our enemies and the Democrats take us seriously when we sugarcoat even Saddam's death? Let's get the official version up soon. 'Kay? Fantastic.

Sorry. Spoke too soon. Here it is.

Then I googled up this article on what can happen to a dude when he gets hanged. An excerpt:

"I descended immediately into the pit where I found the pulse beating at the rate of 80 to the minute, the wretched man struggling desperately to get his hands and arms free. I came to this conclusion from the intense muscular action in the arms, fore arms and hands, contractions, not continuous but spasmodic, not repeated with any regularity but renewed in different directions and with desperation. From these signs I did not anticipate a placid expression on the face and I regret to say my fears were correct. On removing the white cap about 1 1/2 minutes after the fall I found the eyes starting from the sockets and the tongue protruded, the face exhibiting unmistakable evidence of intense agony."

Now we're talking. I've got that full feeling in my tummy. Why is that so difficult? If I wanted boredom, I'd tune into the Ford ceremonies.

More personal satisfaction comes my way from Mr. John Mainelli, the brilliant program director of 92.3 FREE FM, a CBS Radio station in NY. I'll be on that station from 10p-midnight starting Tuesday night, Jan. 2nd through Friday, Jan. 12th, for two hours each evening of taking calls from the General Public on a wide variety of topics of my own choosing.

It's not enough to shave yet, but it's a start. They have a stream that works, so do tune in. That includes other radio programmers out there who, inexplicably, are on the fence regarding the necessity of Wachs despite all evidence to the contrary.

TIP OF THE MIND

So Hillary Clinton is running for president. Never saw that coming. She's not going to win, anyway. I know 3 NYers who voted for her as senator, but say they don't want her as president. Chuckle if you care to, but three real people is more than most political reporters talk to in a year.

It's amazing that she gets any votes given that her voice and speech patterns would mark her as an outcast in the real world. I guess if you believe that one should keep their enemies closer than their friends, NYers did the right thing by electing her senator twice. Keep her busy for a few years where you can see her. Let her win a few hands at pinochle, and then drop her in the river when the order is given.

America isn't ready for a hot female president much less a shrill old hump who makes Margeret Thatcher look like the chick who does the Toyota Mall of Georgia ads.

There will be a time for a female president, but Americans aren't just ready yet to destroy everything that's right in America by giving over the presidency to people who behave like hairdressers. It will be close between the Muslims and women as to who gets the presidency first, but I'm going to have to say women will win this race. Of course, that will lead directly to our first Muslim cleric as president. Hopefully, I will have died by then.

Will someone at Wachovia please get some damn deposit envelopes to the ATM machines! I went to 3 Wachovias before finding one lousy envelope to stick my meager deposit in so that my baby can have a nice Hanumas this year. I want an email explaining why this practice has to occur. I know you're reading this in between fucking people over. I'll bet the first person I hear from will be some lady who's thinking about everything but making the customer happy.

Can't you hire some jackass to drive around each Sunday to make sure all the ATMs have deposit envelopes handy? Hell I'll do it if you waive all my service charges and overdrafts for life. Can I use another sort of envelope of the same size? Until I get some answers, I'll just have to rely on the 20 extra envelopes I took at the 3rd stop.

The outrage industry continues to churn at a pace just behind the rest of the nation's economy. In Arizona, Racist Cop is opening a franchise in Tempe.

Ariz. cop had black men rap away ticket

Sat Dec 2, 7:07 AM ET

TEMPE, Ariz. - City leaders have apologized after a program on Tempe's cable channel showed a white police officer telling two black men they could get out of a littering ticket by performing a rap.

Tempe Mayor Hugh Hallman and Police Chief Tom Ryff apologized for the show Thursday and suspended its future production after black community leaders voiced outrage and disappointment.

Yeah, they expected a good beat down. Not that much money in suing cops who start impromptu minstrel shows.

"I accept responsibility for the actions of my staff and apologize to any members of our community who have been offended," Ryff said during a news conference Friday.

This never happens in Reno.

The segment appeared on "Tempe StreetBeat," a program produced by police in the Phoenix suburb that followed several officers on patrol. It shows Sgt. Chuck Schoville pulling over two men in August in a mall parking lot.

He first asks for a name and ID from the driver and then asks the two men if they know how much the fine is for littering.

The officer then tells the men that they can avoid getting a littering ticket "if the two of you just do a little rap about — what do you want to do a rap about? Littering? About the dangers of littering."

The two men agree, and each performs a short rap, laughing afterward.

Leaders of chapters of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People and the National Action Network expressed outrage and demanded that the city act.

Right. Better the cop should just ticket them for littering and use it as a flimsy pretext to search the car for guns, drugs, and planted guns and drugs, and then beat them with a shovel until they slip quietly off to jail for a couple of nights. Making them rap and letting them go. What was this cop thinking?

Furthermore, given what happened here in the ATL last week, what with the gun-toting granny in one of the worst drug neighborhoods in America getting killed after shooting some cops on a warrant, and in NY, where some cops shot a some thugs 50 times, and the ensuing knee jerk for police head on a serving dish, perhaps we should rope off the zip codes of high police animosity and withhold all legal assistance until they work it out themselves. Let these communities that are quick to disparage the police draw up their own laws and enforcement. They've already done most of the work, anyway. Announce a date, and build a wall around them. No one leaves, and no one enters until they figure it out or kill each other.

All I know is they tried it on "The Wire," and it worked. Chuckle if you must, but watching a fictional show about inner city crime is more than some journalists do all year.

GREAT MOMENTS IN REASONING HISTORY

Gun-Waving Sermon Lands Pastor in Pokey

MOUNT AIRY, N.C. — The pastor of a Mount Airy church accused of brandishing a gun as part of his sermon is free on bond after being charged with possession of a firearm by a felon.

Jerry Wayne "Dusty" Whitaker, 58, of Mount Airy, was convicted in Virginia in 1990 of conspiracy to distribute cocaine and possession of a firearm during drug trafficking.

In September, Whitaker reportedly brought a handgun and a shoulder holster to a service.

"He was driving home his point," Scearce said.

Whitaker said the gun was a toy prop.

"I use parables," he said. "Once I pretended to be a blind man with a cane, glasses and can with coins. Why didnt they arrest me for impersonating a blind man?"

Maybe because it's legal? Just something to chew upon.

By the way, I don't morally condone impersonating a blind man. It's just unimaginably wrong. Yeah, he can't see you, but if he hears about it from a friend, you're SCREWED! Beware the rage of the scorned blind man. He gonna get you from behind.

IF I DID IT, THE GLOVES WOULD HAVE FITTED

I first saw the promos last night for the upcoming OJ confessional on FOX, If I Did It, Here's How it Happened," and you best believe I be watching. I've been waiting 11 years for this and it's as close as we're gonna get to an outright admission of guilt from poor, innocent OJ. Besides, I'm a sucker for a TV show with a creepy mixed tense in the title.

This is how truly innocent people behave. Go on national TV and admit you would have killed your wife, but in a different way. It takes guts to admit that. Guts only an innocent man with a clear conscience could have.

Here's an excerpt of the show:

Interviewer: OJ why are you telling us all this?

OJ: Because I am innocent. If it were me, I'd a runned her over in a car or beat him with my 5 wood or what have you. Did that happen? No. Because I am innocent.

Interviewer: Are you saying that if you did it, you would have done it better?

OJ: I like to think that OJ Simpson always does things better than they were done, you know? I ain't braggin' or nuthin'  'cause, uh, you know, hypothetically, the people who did this murder got away with it, you know, and you gotta hand it to 'em...that's pretty good the way they did it, and it's hard to do it better than they did from a, you know, murderer perspective, hypothetically. But yeah, you know. I mean, I'm innocent and an innocent man who commits murder is better than a guilty man who commits murder, because if you commit murder and you are still innocent, than that proves that you are smarter and better than the man who got caught...hypothetically.

Interviewer: But no one else was caught.

OJ: Right, but what I'm saying is, if OJ Simpson would have did these murders, I'd have been not caught more...or caught less, whichever you prefer.

Interviewer: Why aren't you calling the show "If I Did it, Here's How it WOULD HAVE Happened?"

OJ: Ain't that what it's called?

Interviewer: No.

OJ: Oh. Well, I'm innocent and there ain't nuthin no one can do about it because of that double secret jeopardy rule I'm involved in. Watch the show. You'll be sayin' "OJ is innocent as hell because his way wasn't the way it went down."

Interviewer: Thank you, Juice.

OJ: Thank you for the opportunity to clear the air. I hope everyone has an open mind and watches my show. It's educational and hypothetical.

Interviewer: Coming up next, we'll talk to Fred Goldman about his new book, "If I Shot OJ in the
Head...Not That There's Anything Wrong With That."

OJ hears the news that Dunder-Mifflin's Scranton office is closing.

TIME RELEASE FORMULA

Jail was not as bad as I thought. I didn't say it was good. It wasn't AS bad. I served 3-1/2 hours of a 4-6 hour sentence recently, after answering to, and bonding out with a signature (thank you, sincerely, taxpayers) on the charge of illegally listening to two fellas shout conversation to each other in a public place. Or, as my arrest papers said, "Unlawful Ease Droppings." This wet willie to the ear of civility should be resolved to society's satisfaction by decade's end.

One thing is still certain. The key to a consistent and predictable life is preparation. If the Boy Scouts had any brains, they'd organize prison camp-outs for the youngsters in addition to the traditional programs of outings to the woods, farms, and local senior crossings. A man needs to prepare oneself to navigate all sorts of unexpected alien cultures, human and not.

Herewith are some valuable tips culled from my forthcoming book, "Jailed and Lovin' It!" The Incarceration Guide for Middle Whites.

1. Expect to raped. When you aren't, you'll think what a great day it turned out to be.

Let's face it. At this point, you must change your daily agenda for the short term. Now, in your new life as a case number, your goal is to string together a series of micro-victories. A good day now means sleeping in your own bed that evening. This is a comedown from the standard of a nice round of golf and a steak, but one that must be reconciled and understood nonetheless in order to have more golf and steaks sooner rather than later. Rome was not re-built in a day, friends. In fact, it never really was rebuilt at all. It just settled into an acceptable groove of wrecked buildings, great food, and pouty, hot chicks.

2. Prison guards don't care if you stay, go, live, or die.

These incredibly under-qualified people get the same amount of pay whether they preserve or fuck up your life, wittingly or un. The more you try to engage them in spirited debate about the best way we as a society should treat the incarcerated, the closer you get to a good rogering.

If you must say anything to a prison guard other than "Yes, sir/ma'am, no sir/ma'am,please, thank you," make sure you are always positive and pleasant. Think "What would Hugh Grant do?" at all times. Fortunately for you, an increasing number of prison workers are single females w/ children who crave positive attention from a polished white male. They want to be seen as nurturers who just happen to have a gruff male exterior. Allow them that dignity.

A few do actually take pride in their work and can be helpful toward achieving your micro-victories. I liked the way Sgt. Diggs' yellow lipstick co-ordinated with the gold and brown uniform of the Fulton Co. Jail. That's pride, folks, and I told her. It sure didn't hurt me. It earned me snack privileges from the vending machine, and a chance to go outside to place my phone in my car. Micro-victories.

3. Your opinions are welcome never and nowhere.

Sure, you're no different in the eyes of the law than the 15-20 irritable and unbathed African-American fatherless males who share the sealed and airless cell with you, but in their eyes, you represent as much political capital as a ceiling tile or a bench. Even when you agree with your cell-mates, they will find a way to see something disagreeable with you. Their state-issued baloney sandwich means more to them than you. Some will even be talking to it, comforting it, wooing it.

Always yield to Demetrius.

"I ain't seen nutin' but mu'fukin' niggas running this mu'fuka. Chunky ass hoes with mu'fukin keys and mu'fukin clipboards takin' twennyfieminute coffee breaks every mu'fukin hour while niggas sit in this smelly ass cave, waiting to get out and git a beer, a blunt, an' a bitch. We need some mufukin' white dudes running this mu'fuka, and we be outta this mu'fuka in 30 mu'fukin minutes. Belee dat, my nigga."

And while that is a remarkably insightful statement, one that was greeted with unanimous "true dat" despite running counter to the mainstream of post-sensitive political attitudes in and surrounding our nation's urban cores, and certainly not something a neophyte to the incarceration scene would expect; and while this man, Demetrius, may be a Solzhenitsyn in Sean John's clothing, the Bard of Simple Batterers, your job is not to assist him with more pro-white humor no matter the urge to do so. He's not talking to you. He's not talking about you. You are ceiling tile. You are a bench. No high fives, no "you go." Just soak it in. Consider this another micro-victory. Think "What would the spotlight guy at a Def Jam comedy show do?" Laugh, accidentally jiggle the spotlight, and draw attention to himself? No. He'd sit there quietly and translucently, and wait for time to deliver him.

There's more, including how to properly deal with the Rick James-looking tranny in the cell across, but I want you to buy my book even though, ironically, you'll get more out of it if you steal it.

TGIM

More insults and injuries. My final Clear Channel paycheck was found on my doorstep Friday, soaking wet, and short by a substantial amount. A new one will be issued, but not until the due dates for my bills have passed. Those folks find new ways to wrong people daily. It's almost their core business.

After sifting through 600 anguished emails from listeners and sponsors, I needed a break, and thank the lord who runs the karmic machine that Jeff Carlisi is around. I went to his roc 'n roule fantasy camp this weekend in Doraville to forget my troubles for a few days. My band was named "The Byrdmen of Alcohol," in tribute to our founder, lead guitarist, and arranger, Ricky Byrd, best known for the classic guitar riffs in "I Love Rock and Roll" when he was performing with Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. His advice to the over the hill dreamers this weekend: If you're a recovering addict, don't write songs about it. No one wants to hear that shit.

We played a funky, groove-laden set of 60s covers. "Hang on Sloopy," "Slow Down," "Mustang Sally," and, in honor of my pending criminal charge, "Folsom Prison Blues." We kicked ass. Even my favorite drum god, Liberty Devitto, said I didn't suck this time. I hope to have the DVD of the show copied and posted in a few weeks.

Back to Reality Camp on a Monday so sunny and warm, it's certain that my reissued paycheck won't arrive today. Preparations are beginning for court against the collective legal wisdom of Yogi and Panda, Inc., so that I can right the many wrongs done to me and get on with my career as one of the top radio hosts in the USM.

Let's dig into the anguished email bucket and provide another SASAFAQ (Short and Sweet Answers to Frequently Asked Questions):

Were you at Sweet Tomatoes last Thursday?

No. I will find the lookalike and sue him.

Why isn't "Yogi" getting sued by Hannah-Barbera?

Since I'm told he's the catcher, he gets his name from a different Yogi.

Also, Hanna and Barbera are dead.

I just got back in town. What happened?

Oy! Follow the links. They tell about 50% of the full story, but it's a start. Go here and here and here and here and here, if you're into that sort of thing.

Where are you?

I'm at home. Later, I'll be at an attorney's office or at Subway, eating fresh.

Sirius, XM, or radio?

Whomever pays best.

Do you regret your actions?

No. You should ask the predators in this case, but they don't speak English well.

PLUMB DUMB

When I find myself in times of trouble, Matt Drudge comes to me. Soothing words of stupid. Let me see...let me see.

Well, here's a brown eye opening tale of two utes on Long Island who attacked a guy in a bowling alley bathroom with a drain snake.

Police said Lundsford held the victim down while Rodriguez sexually assaulted the victim with a metal toilet cleaning tool known as a plumbing snake. The tool, which is used to unclog drains, was forced into the worker's rectum and spun it several times, causing him severe pain, internal injury and bleeding, according to a police news release.

The defendents fled after the victim screamed, police said.

The snake was removed at Brookhaven Memorial Hospital and the victim was in stable condition Thursday, police said.

It's a good thing the victim didn't record the young plumbers' antics. He would have really been in some trouble.

I'VE GOT A CLUE

This story is so sad and aggravating because everyone knows why it occurred.

Family slain off Fla. highway identified

FORT PIERCE, Fla. - A family of four found shot to death along an isolated stretch of highway had moved to Florida from Texas four months ago, authorities said Saturday.

The family, including two boys ages 3 and 4, was found Friday, fatally shot along Florida's Turnpike in Port St. Lucie, about 100 miles north of Miami. Investigators believe their vehicle, a 1998 four-door Jeep Cherokee, had pulled to the side of Florida's Turnpike before someone else in the vehicle shot them and drove away sometime between 1:30 a.m. and 3 a.m.

No one has been arrested, but authorities were searching for clues Saturday into the deaths, Sheriff Ken Mascara said. A search warrant was issued for the family's home in Greenacres in Palm Beach County, where they had moved in June from the Brownsville, Texas, area. Authorities also were looking for the family's black Jeep Cherokee, which had a Florida temporary license plate, Mascara said.

That was fast work, boys. Friday's mystery bodies result in a whole lot of information about them by Saturday, with a picture to boot. Even what kind of car they were driving and the status of it's tags. Authorities have even ruled out car-jacking. What could have happened here? I'm gonna take a shot in the dark here at the Scarface scenario.

Is the case worth solving? I don't know. It touches on too many  hot button political issues. Drug legalization, immigration, sherriffs that have the same name as ladies' eye makeup, and government highway programs (read further down in the story), If a criminal case touches two or more political issues, it'll rarely get proper justice. Politics create their own evidentiary findings.

OJ Simpson, for example. The physical evidence said overwhelmingly guilty, but when Johnny Cochran put race and celebrity on trial, it was over.

I hope I'm wrong. That's a way too realistic view of how the world works.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT A RULER!

A description in the AJC today about the newborn panda at the Atlanta Zoo:

"The nearly furless baby, about the size of a stick of butter, arrived at 4:51 p.m...

From now on we will express all units of measurement in terms of butter. This is huge!

It's not that people who care about the fate of panda babies are imbeciles, it's just a smarter way of getting people measuring again. There's been a serious slackening of interest, in people measuring or even guesstimating, particularly in the area of panda baby measuring.  Now, because of this easy to use, common sense unit of measurement, it won't be long before the entire zoo and all the animals in it are made of real creamery butter so people can enjoy nature without upsetting and caging animals.

People who like butter a lot will now have greater access to measuring, thereby unlocking the door to careers in the construction trade, culinary arts, and urology, that were previously unavailable to decent folks who just didn't set well with things like inches and the cillomometers that the French use.

Hey, which NFL game would you rather watch?

"First and Ten for the Falcons?"

or

"First and 37 sticks of butter for the Falcons?"

Some will argue that the Twinkie or the Pringles can is a better tool of measurement, but only people who brag about their penises too much know about these products, so no. EVERYONE enjoys butter. Butter is the unversal language. Even Muslims have allowed butter into their bitter lives. Sometimes, it's the only joy they experience.

Butter. What a delicious way to size stuff up!

THE RAMSEY PATSY

Dear John Ramsey-- I want to apologize for all the things I said about you and your wife during the past few years. Your kid was hot and all, but that is not important right now....

NO! I can't write this. I am holding off on writing my apology to the Ramseys pending further investigation. This John Karr (hell of a name for a guy with a Frequent Prosty Punch Card) is an attention pedophile. He likes premature speculation. If I had AIDS and was looking at hard time in a Thai prison, I'd pull a pedo-Klinger, too. One Night in Bangkok made this hard man humble.

First, he looks like a gay dude. How do I know what they look like? Just focus, would ya? Actually, more like a gay ghost. More like the gay ghost of Gray Davis.

Second, the physical evidence doesn't add up to his story, or so I'm told by Greta Van Sustain, who will probably get another face lift with the fresh supply of JonBenet money that will be rolling in.

Most importantly, though, I still can't get my mind around the rudiments of this yarn. How in the hell did some rich people, at home on Christmas, not have any clue what's going on in the basement with their 6-year old? She's entertaining men. She's chatting on line. Clowns and Santas are on a chaise with beverages while she goes up on them. Dragons are filming the whole thing. Someone's writing practice ransom notes upstairs....Did they live in the McMartin pre-school? My kid turns up the TV too loud downstairs, and I'm down the steps with a belt in my hand. How did they not know?

All this commotion for a kid who would have turned out to be, at best, Carrie Underwood, but probably Deborah Norwood.

Dear John Karr--

I want to apologize for all the things I said about you and your lifestyle during the past few years. Recent court rulings have made me look stupid, but that's not important right now....

RABBI TED L. NANCY

Since everyone knows that saying bad things about Jews is worse than drinking and driving, I sent off this certified letter, cleverly disguised as a top rabbi (yes, I actually wore a rabbi outfit to the post office, you dangling participle Nazis), to Mel Gibson's contacts that I found on some SAG website:

Dear Mr. Gibson--

I am a Rabbi in Atlanta, GA, with my wife, Robyn, and three wonderful children, Eliahu, 10, Yaakov, 9, and Mitzi, 7. I am a big fan of your films. I even enjoyed the Passion, as I like to think of myself as an open-minded person. However, your recent comments about Jews to the police were disgusting and distasteful and reprehensible and hurtful.

What have I done as a Jew to hurt you? I'd really like to know. As I represent a lot of Jews in Atlanta who have enjoyed Lethal Weapon, Mad Max, and occasionally, Bird on a Wire, I think you need to meet with me or call to discuss your words and their impact on your many Jewish fans who have been deeply troubled by them. I really need to know why you would say such terrible things.

(phone number)

Sincerely,

Rabbi Larry Wachs,

Sheket Bivakasha Synagogue,

John's Creek, GA

PS--Will there be a sequel to Braveheart in the near future?

I'll alert you if and when a response is received. 

PAPER TRAIL

There it is on the parking lot, already drained of color from two weeks of 90+ degree heat. The third discarded "I'm a Georgia Voter" sticker I've seen this week. I'm surprised there aren't hundreds on the ground. It's a tribute to the civic mindedness of the people who vote and receive these that they wind up in a proper trash receptacle somewhere instead of on the ground where they deserve to be. What an insult.

Show me the person, find me the minutes of the meeting, where the idea took root that the way to treat voting age adults was as special needs children who will eat a bowel movement just to nab a sticker for their collection.

Why a sticker? Why not hugs and a cookie? Oh, yeah, government cannot endorse any touching  or trans fats.

The sticker probably is the only means remaining by which a government can reward civic duty without incurring cost or protest. They should stop whining about low voter turnouts already. You really want to get the vote out?  Start handing out toasters at the polls. One man, one vote, one toaster. Maybe a product tie-in. Vote in November and get a free 20oz. Coke with your purchase of a PBS DVD at participating Blockbusters.

I'm looking forward to the August 8th runoff. I'm going to get a sticker and then visit various local businesses to demand freebies and discounts that I'm entitled to under the new and bogus "Georgia Voter Sticker Act." Since there are hundreds of businesses within a mile of the voting booth stocked with cheap teen, illegal, female, and/or summer labor I should be able to make quite a tidy profit on Ebay. Either that, or it becomes litter.

CHAP OF LIMP DICK

Yet another chapter from Pointless Exercises For Dummies. The Other Retarded Kennedy, Patrick, of the Rhode Island crime family, has pled guilty in court today.

The pulse quickens. Pled guilty to what? Receiving little oxygen at birth? Being an alcholic degenerate? Wishing he were Cynthia McKinney?

Oh, that...

Driving into a bridge abutment while high. Great. Glad we can clear that up. Everything will be grand now.

WHO YOU CALLIN' DUMMY, DUMMY?

Is Ben Roethlisberger a dumbass? This observer notes:

-Not wearing a helmet is legal in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

-Ben was observing all applicable road safety laws.

-The lady driving the car he hit may have been at fault.

So, yeah. Roethlisberger IS a big fuckin' stupid steroid laced ape because those things don't matter at all.

Look dummy, you are worth more money to more people than any 20 normal humans combined. You are not a PERSON. You are a PRODUCT. You asked for it. Now step up into something besides the pocket and be a man. Put a bucket on that neck ornament of yours and be glad the Steelers don't have a "You Broke It? You Bought It." policy. Stop being such a rebel. If we wanted a guy with a big neck to ponder Constitutional matters, we'll call Ann Coulter.

Anybody in Pittsburgh know the number of that woman who hit Ben? I want to buy her car. OK. How about scraping the blood off the street and sending me some? I'll split the Ebay with you.

THE ORAL MINORITY

I'm not against gay sex, just against gay marriage. Well, OK. You got me there. I AM against gay sex. That's crazy and dirty. I wouldn't do that for under half a million dollars per act.

I guess, then, I'm not against the people who want to have gay sex. Well, OK. You got me there, too. People who do that sort of stuff are crazy and dirty. Especially for free.

Men who want to act like women and women who want to act like men? I can't find a reasonable justification. That's sad when one feels the need to disparage their own genitals. You won't get far trying to argue with nature despite our culture's attempts to lionize the vast net benefits of being a sissy.

I'm wearing my fuzzy slippers right now, but that's as far as it goes with me. On second thought, I do admit some joy at cleaning the ole fruit basket in the shower, but that's it. I can do it myself, sailor. Thanks.

Sometimes I'll wear the slippers out of the house, but at least I'm not going to DC to boss people around and tell them they should be forced by law to like it, and then fling empty shoe boxes at them.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm in favor of allowing people who want to do that sort of behavior with consenting adults to live. And let live too, by the way, for you sensitive practitioners of false inference. Look stupid if you want.

But I am against gay marriage, period, because marriage is about raising children, not adult sexual freedom and fulfillment. Most of you marrieds know this by heart.

Kids are not born with a political sense. Their early survival depends on a natural self-centeredness until they develop the physical, emotional, and political skills to survive through adulthood. It's no less morally wrong to deny a child the information on survival that men and women possess uniquely and cooperatively, than it is to rob a child of innocence through the sudden corruption that a molester brings to bear.

This gay marriage ban amendment is hugely popular. It has broad support. But there is no way in hell it will pass. Kiddin' me? It's not designed to. It's put together by some very smart politicians who want Republican guys like me to go to the polls this November and vote for them. It works, because I will.

The real cynics here--in other words, people who have no core principles--are the liberals who express shock that politicians will actually say what they believe to get votes. How long has our system of government been in place? Who's the stupid backward hick now?

THE CONTINUING CLICHE

The loser in me decides to spend some minutes in front of the 2006 NFL Draft between innings of the Braves flailing futilely at the Mets. Michael Irvin is stoned out of his gourd. He's laughing, uncontrollably at times, at absolutely nothing. The others on the panel go pale and try to ignore him, but it's difficult when he's falling out and back-slapping his nearest colleagues. They all have that, "What is that negro smoking?" look on their faces.

The only one who seems to be amused by Irvin's euphoria is Mel Kiper, Jr. For one, Mel is seated a couple of analysts down from Irvin, using Chris Mortensen as his Irvin prophylactic, and, two, the behavior masks another year of Mel inaccurately projecting the draft. With people like Michael Irvin to distract, one can make quite a living at the otherwise useless art of projecting pro sports drafts. He smirks a knowing smirk having seen it all hundreds of times going to the scary high school around the corner from me in 1970s Baltimore. His parents must not have had the smarts like mine to get him out of that school district before it was too late. Caring about football so passionately was probably a life-saving move on the young Kiper's part. I'll bet the bussed ones called him "Kiker" a lot at Northwestern High.

The scroll at the bottom catches me up on the Top 10 No. 1 picks of the draft. Can anyone tell me the origin of the name D'Brickashaw? Another grand collusion of cultural, phonetic, and grammatical disconnects rampant amongst the fatherless segment of our society. Now I'm laughing like Michael Irvin, and I apologize for accusing him of marijuana use...although I'm probably right.

Tomorrow is Latino Lent around our beleaguered nation, in which they are giving up everything, except spitting in our faces, for an entire day! What a sacrifice. In all probability, the people who claim to be purchasing nothing will be stealing it instead.

Wonder what the outcry would be tomorrow if a retailer decided to help out a little with a "No Mexicans Allowed" sign in their store window. What if Walmart announced that they were checking people for ID before allowing them to shop on May 1st? Do you think they would be seen as an amigo to the cause? No, I think it's best if all retailers realized that people in this country illegally, reserve the right to tell legal businesses how they must treat their worst customers.

CHUPA CHUPS

Garrett the 40-year old intern got robbed yesterday by the mierdaradors attending the Declaration of War Against America at Plaza de Estupido on Buford Highway here in Aztlanta, GA.. So if anyone believes the news when they try to portray these invaders as peaceful peasants looking for an even break, than I've got the Cynthia McKinney Bridge to sell you. Is it asking too much to leave the Chupacabra alone?

It's especially galling when we have a $1000 reward, amnesty if you will, for the person who returns Garrett's stolen recorder, and the rabble rousers not more than three sheetrocks away at 105.7 down the hall won't let Garrett on the air to beam his message to their listeners, one of whom is clearly the thief.

Once again, it is up to me, the hapless American legal citizen to defend his personal Alamo:

Hey todos usted mexicano sucio. Uno de usted haba que comía bastardos robó el registrador de Garrett cuando él cubría su festival de la criminalidad en su traje de Chupacabra el lunes. Tenemos una recompensa $1000 por la vuelta segura del registrador, ningunas preguntas hechas. Sin embargo, si le encontramos antes de que consigamos el registrador detrás, le emplearemos para el trabajo de la pintura y después no le pagaremos cuando se hace. Tan consiga legal y consiga a ese registrador de mierda de nuevo a nosotros la respiración del taco.

PRANK

I think Cynthia McKinney should be jailed simply because she is a stupid bitch with hair that makes her look like a dirty crackwhore and a big bubble ass that smells like an aquarium of dead fish swimming in warm bacon grease.

APRIL FOOLS! HA-HA!! You fell for it.

I don't think she should be jailed.

THE STUPID WILL ATTEMPT TO STEAL THE INHERITANCE OF THE EARTH

Kristi, a listener with a top position with a top corporation, sends along this observation:

Just as I was beginning to wonder about Clear Channel's marketing strategy, they finally seem to get something right. I love the commercials far more than the current billboard campaign, which is a tad "boring" compared to prior ads. One thing I question is the placement of the billboards--driving down Tara Blvd (a.k.a. Rosa Parks Blvd), I wonder if Clear Channel is targeting those 2 potential black listeners with the numerous Regular Guys billboards I've seen in Clayton County? Do they not realize that Clayton's current demographics do not exactly represent TRG "listener material"?

Perhaps, but as I've stated before, the "Turn in your Race Card" promotion still stands. Any listener that publicly renounces the absurd Frank Ski and Tom Joyner Shows as poison to the black community with their Wayne Williams-supporting, Jesse Jackson celebrating, OJ-excusing, hate/blame whitey attitudes, and switches to the Regular Guys Show^TM will be rewarded....although the billboards don't really say that do they? I'll look into putting that up there.

See the attached, one billboard off Tara did catch my eye--it is positioned directly over one of Tara's numerous "spas"--probably accidentally so, but clever nonetheless. Clear Channel could actually take a lesson or two from the Spa's catchy ad gimmicks. Notice the giant, somewhat phallic-shaped blow-up cylinder with none other than a HAND on top, pointing to the spa! Now, this is what I call brilliant marketing! Just thought you might like to pass this lesson in Marketing 101 along to the "powers that be."

Why do you think our billboard is positioned "on top?" And you failed to notice that we are also by the auto parts store, another business that sells lubrication to men. We're in Marketing 102 if you need us.

-------------------

Anyone still reeling economically from Friday's illegal "strike?"

Man, I hope they don't do that again. Oooh! How will my car ever become clean again? Who will I have to watch like a hawk so they don't miss the obvious bird shit stains missed by the machine? Oh, how will I ever get through the day without dodging ladders on the road and uninsured motorists doing 50 in the fast lane? Who will be there to throw their diarrhea covered pants in the QT garbage can? Dear me.

My only sympathies go to Mexicans. Every other illegal protesting on Friday's show went to great pains to point out that they were NOT Mexicans.

Hey, we may be illegal, but we ain't Mexican! Harsh getting rolled under the van by other ignoramuses.

Simply put, you can choose to call them illegals or wetbacks or undocumented workers. I call them all, Mexican or other, dumbasses. Let's be blunt. When you break into someone's house, you don't complain about the quality of food in the fridge or the black level of the plasma screen you're removing for personal use. That's just dumbass.

Whither the dumbass? The dumbass is someone who is just a shade over retarded. They are not slow enough to qualify for government largesse, yet not swift enough to swim the currents of free markets to the shores of success. What do we do with our second-rate people if not grind them for food? Only a dumbass would think that this country would cease to run if we couldn't get our strawberries in a timely manner.

And you politicians keep on raising the minimum wage so we pay more for less productivity. Dumbasses are not limited to brown. What's wrong with paying a dude a buck an hour if that's what he's worth at that particular time?

Instead of agitating for unearned respect, you few protestin' folks who can read this ought to thank your lucky stars that someone around here doesn't get the idea to pass a law tomorrow that makes you motherfuckers work for free. Our miscalculation last time was forcing people to come here and not letting them leave if they didn't like it. This time we may have more backers.

COMMENTS

It is an amateur blogger's duty to not only write about their world, but also create self-important apologies for the lack of updates and then make a lame excuse as if thousands of people could not go on without the daily affirmations of the exalted pajamadeen.

So....

Sorry about the sparseness. Vacation is over and work at Dunder-Mifflin Broadcasting has once again cut into our time together.

--------------

Many of you are currently dealing with the hassles of getting through the 85/316 exchange in Gwinnett. A chronic headache is going to get bigger in the next three years before settling back down to annoying. On top of that, county and state officials are going through their "crackdown on speeders in the construction zone" routine in order to make you part with more revenue to fund the whole scene. Yeah, it's a good idea to set speed limits in a construction zone, but I see more people getting mowed down in farmer's market zones than those of the road construction sort. I'd do a crackdown on driving over the AGE of 55 instead.

What happens if you hit a construction worker while obeying speed limits? Showers of cookies?

---------------

As of this moment, Bush is opening fresh cans of whoop ass nearing their expiration date on our sworn enemies in Northern Iraq, sometimes politely referred to in the news media as "insurgents." It's about goddamn time. Should have been done years ago, but I understand the politics what with a vocal minority of myopic people constantly slowing things down in the name of saving lives. Pro-Terror-Americans would rather us have a slow and steady drip of 10,000 dead spread over several years, than maybe 50 in a week.

Most of the news accounts suggest that Bush is merely trying to shore up his poll numbers. Of course. Here's a president who has always relied on polls and the media to guide him as he seeks re-election in 2008.

Maybe we really should wait until Disneyland blows up before we judge these kind-hearted peasants in the Middle East.

---------------

Waffle House now accepts credit cards, and it's great news for people like myself who enjoy haggling with greasy spoon waitresses at 3am over the legalities of minimum charge amounts and paying 16.9% APR on bacon. I just may use my good credit rating to rent out an entire Waffle House for myself for an entire day. Ideally, that is why people go to Waffle House. Anonymity. You can smother your scattered head with a hat, sit in the corner, eat, sleep, and leave without a trace. No one there gives a shit. Waffle House is like a good hooer.

---------------

The McPhee girl is now my wallpaper on my laptop because I like her and I'd like her on my lap.

This is one unbelievably sexy girl. I want to rub her shoulders slowly for about 10 minutes before I get bored or tit. Whether her talents are artificially enhanced by the surrounding contestants, such as the Jim Nabors-inspired sounds of Kevin Covais, remains to be seen.

Stevie Wonder Night was a disaster this week. Stevie Wonder hasn't written a good song since 1980 and most of the cool ones are written in the key of 70s urban unrest.

Randy: "Yo dawg, you know what I like about you? You really care about inner city poverty."

The only saving grace was watching Taylor Hicks, upon meeting Stevie, extend his soon-to-be-left-unshaken hand toward the oblivious Mr. Wonder. Check your Tivo. It's a hoot.

New Mexico

By STEPHANIE HEINATZ AND KYLE TUCKER, The Virginian-Pilot

© January 9, 2006

SUFFOLK –– Marcus Vick, the former Virginia Tech quarterback who was dismissed from the team last week after various troubles on the field and with the law, was arrested and charged Monday with three counts of hiding in children's balls, a misdemeanor.

(Thanks to reader/listener Mr. Bryan Weathers for the photo)

When we get back...

The Porn Czar, Tim Andrews, and Garrett, the 40-year Old Intern had some fun last night at the Sandy Springs City Council meeting concerning what to do about adult businesses in the new city.

Andrews even got on TV expressing his desire to pay for sex. Notice during some of the "B" roll of the meeting in the upper right hand corner of the screen, Garrett and Tim sitting together waiting to speak on why they like strippers and such. I'm told Garrett took the mike later and rambled on about getting Cleveland Steamers and Dirty Sanchezes. Good work, boys!

We'll hear all the audio when we kick off the 2006 Regular Guys Show Season on Tuesday.

Regular Guys Court

Allen Jones in McDonough writes:

You guys are the best. The show is better than ever! I was wondering if you could put a sound clip on your web page of the woman getting blasted with the taser gun by the police? That was the most satisfying (not to mention, hilarious) bit I've heard in a long time. Thanks a lot!

Yes, it was. Satisfying not because it was a woman, that certainly helps, but because it was an insane drunken, belligerent one.

Flattery is the sincerest from of flattery, Allen, so here's the Clip courtesy of George Stein.

I've taken the time to create a transcript so you can follow along as you listen:

(exterior: police car. A very drunk woman has refused to come out of the back seat of a police car, ignoring law enforcement entreaties to do so for quite awhile)

WOMAN: FINE GET OFF OF ME! I'M GETTING OUT VOLUNTARILY!!!

PO-PO: Are you gonna step out?

WOMAN: (unintelligible and cursing)

PO-PO: Put your hands behind your back.

WOMAN: Look...all I have to say is I'm not..I'm nAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAGGGGGIIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHHH.....

(end scene)

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Soon after we return from vacation time (1/3), we will begin a new feature called Regular Guys Court. Our first case will be Ben the Bunnyman vs. Clear Channel, Larry Wachs, et al.

Ben did not bother to read his "million dollar" contract that he won during the Christmas party fight with Bob Bunnyman and signed it anyway, so now he's pissed at what a sober reading of the contract has brought him--bupkus.

Here's the first page for you amateur lawyers out there.

My guess is he'll have to plead insanity to get out of paying me 1 dollar a week for the rest of his life as stated in page 2. He'll be represented by Eric Von Haessler the patron saint of lost causes.

If you have a small claims dispute with a neighbor, friend, acquaintance, or relative, let us know if you'd like George Stein and the Regular Guys to solve it on the air.

Send your name, address, phone #, brief description of the dispute, and the same info for the person with whom you are having the dispute to: regularguys@96rock.com.

We'll settle the claim once and for all without any expense to you except whatever you owe the other person if you lose the case.

Good luck. We look forward to assisting you.