House of Wachs

HAIR-SPLITTING ABOUT GRAVE-SPITTING

Recently, a friend uttered the following cliches to me:
"This thing isn't a mosque and it's not AT Ground Zero. What happened to tolerance and religious freedom? And why does the media make it seem like 99% of people are against the mosque? What am I missing?"

Oh, just plenty.

At the risk of being perceived as arrogant, bigoted, out of touch, fringe, and condescending...too late. Here's my response:

Actually, the media is trying to make it look like 99% of Americans are FOR the mosque and a tiny sliver of bigoted conservative people are against it. They are only off by about 120 percentage points as 2/3 of Americans are against this.

Religious freedom is a red herring issue. If it's not a big deal, than the people behind the mosque should have no problem moving their plans, brutal or peaceful, elsewhere for a different day. After all, sensitivity toward others is a two way street. Why can't the Greek Orthodox church down the street that wants to rebuild get a permit to do so? Religious freedom and all blah, blah.

Not all Muslims are Islamic fanatics, but all Islamic fanatics are Muslim putting most Americans in the realm of reasonable and rational skepticism since it was an all-Muslim cast bringing down the towers 9 years ago. They are suspect. Not us.

Having said that, I will answer the religious freedom canard on it's face. No, I don't believe in religious freedom for people who have killed 3000 innocent Americans and openly and explicitly lust for more on YouTube, and, no, I don't have any tolerance for a totalitarian ideology cloaked in religious garb that shows nothing but intolerance in return for our reluctant mercy. And chew on this. Does it not occur to apologists for these people that Rauf and his travelers in the Muslim Brotherhood are the face of right wing extremism? RIGHT WING. I'm a righty American, and even I can see that.

Left-wingers for decades have always been panicked at the dystopia that would occur if Christian Republicans got power foisting a theocracy on the nation that brutalizes Jews, women, and homosexuals. That didn't happen despite a GOP majority running the congress and presidency for most of the past decade. Well, now these same people are rolling out the red carpet for people who have explicitly promised to do just what the left has feared all along. Explain THAT.

 

DANCING WITH THE FATES

I find it sad that they didn't really care to factor in Buzz Aldrin's age (80) in yesterday's judging on DWTS. They gave him 4s.

"I remember sitting at home in London watching you on the Moon," Judge Len Goodman said. "Unfortunately, I can't give marks for bravery."

Then why the hell did they invite him on? Because they really thought an 80 year old man could go hoof to hoof with one of the Pussycat Dolls and her meat puppet?  Jesus, Len! Got much colony envy? Now the British want reparations. Where is the end, man?

Big effyou to ABC for mocking this great pioneering patriot. Why not just lure him to the top of a flight of stairs and push him down? Big ratings. "Pushing Old Celebrities Down the Steps." Why not?

Buncha neon assdildos. You'll get old too, fuckers, and I hope your beloved Obama's single payer euthanasia mill gets into high claim denial mode just as you need that ass cancer drug to save your creepy, ungraceful lives.

The good news is that Shannen Doherty couldn't beat Buzz Aldrin in a dancing competition. Ha-ha, fugly. Get your eyes fixed. They're still uneven.

The TV news coverage of the W.Va. mining disaster 2010 is pointless and uniformative. CNN, FOX, MSNBC...it doesn't matter. There's only so much a pretty blonde with nice legs and a neatly coiffed honey hole can credibly tell me about mining.

The one thing that stands out to me about the mining explosion in W.Va. is in this quote from the story out of the Wall St. Journal:

"Massey...notified the Mine Safety and Health Administration...at 3:30 pm of a mine explosion..."

I couldn't help but thinking, "There's a gov't app for that?"

We're pretty deep into the government mine here ourselves, dontcha think, when this agency exists despite the fact that it seems they are not doing the job we pay them to do, which is to make mines safe and healthy, which they aren't, and can't be. Who cares if a mine is healthy, anyway? There is no government agency for Facebook safety (yet), but we've had fewer deaths this year on Facebook than in the mines.

We live in very clear and confusing times. On one hand, we seem to have 2 government agencies for every real or perceived risk or offense known to man. On the other hand, the iPad, a product of free thinking, is selling like government programs!

Apple seems to have an app for everything, too, but Apple's apps are a googol (sorry, no offense) times more fun. And some are truly FREE! The bad ones are repealed by the obnoxious consumer reviews, and everyone of every color and belief system gets a hack at making it big in the app world if they so choose.

Maybe a lot of people think the iPad IS from the government. There are those morons out there who will defend the wisdom of all government programs by pointing to our roads (which aren't so pleasurable to ride on and hard to use at many points in the day), our schools (a day orphanage for poor and unloved children) and Tang breakfast drink (which I imagine is quite tasty up in space where the only other choice is the toilet bowl for hydration), and of course, the river card--flip it---"well, who do you think invented the internet?"

I know. Thaaaaa government. More accurately, the military, which is an important point since in the days of the DARPAnet, as it was known, the military was separate from most government functions because, unlike most government functions, it was a legitimate function of the government.

Even the military didn't know what to do with it except having it's scientists share info on how to kill people better. It took regular people with specialized knowledge to give us the PC to access this government invented wonder, and only then did it become a thriving bazaar where one can get anything without budging his enlarged prostate.

I don't know which side is winning.

REALIGNSKY

I have not seen any national polling data on impeachment of Obama. Has there been any?  And if not, then why not? A good short term strategy would be to trap the government-approved news humps on TV into putting the word on their lips everyday whether they like it or not. How? Polls. They love 'em.

I'm not a Constitutional scholar nor an attorney, but merely a humble thinker of great thoughts, and I do know for a fact that all presidents, Marxist or genuine, take an oath to protect our Constitutional liberties, although Obama's two gaffe-filled stabs at it in January 2009 were sort of an omen of abrogations to come, looking back on it.

We have enough on our collective plates currently trying to push back the government takeover of our bodies (exempting, of course, female government workers whose unionized wombs will be the only organs in the US officially granted "choice" thanks to an insurance "carve out" which is a pretty unfortunate use of the term in context), so impeachment is a faint noise in the distance.

We must continue, as we have since last summer, to set the terms of the argument by effectively getting the idea of impeachment in the public's mind. We need to reaffirm to ourselves and our enemies that abridging our founding document has heavy consequences for those who go against it, and the ability to pick the NCAA brackets in the office today after a nice lunch of green beer pints and wings served by big-breasteded waitresses at the Tilted Kilt flows directly from those documents.

One effective way to further arouse an already aroused populace to the issue would be to poll impeachment's popularity everyday starting yesterday. It could have 25% popularity right now for all we know, but my feeling is that with constant polling on the question it could become a meme that grows in popularity as it's repeated.

Further, I would implore my fellow Atlantans to refer to the numerous streets named after the local fruit thusly:

UNINFORMED LOSER: "Can you tell me where the free money office is?"

YOU: "Yeah, that's on Impeachtree Street."

Memes are what got us into this mess. Let's start memeing back. Rasmussen? Gallup? Freedomworks? TPPatriots?  Yes? OK. Good. Let's do this.

My Short, Thin Lottery Win

I like to play scratch-offs once in awhile. It relaxes me. And it kills time waiting for prescriptions.And they're shiny with pretty colors.

Gambling losses are brutally final. After all the marketing of the riches that await even the most blithe person on the planet, the silence after a scratch-off loss is devastating. YOU LOST! THAT MAKES YOU A LOSER! YOU'LL NEVER WIN ANYTHING! MAKE A BET?

No post-scratch interviews. No "good try" from the clerk (half the time it's a vending machine that resembles a Baltic version of a vaguely Vegasy slotesque gambling device). No half off coupons to come back and play again. No one thanking you for helping kids go to college via the Hope Scholarship. Not mine, of course. She chose not to attend a Georgia college. All my lottery money goes to other people's kids, most of whom are undeserving knob slobbers. I hate losing to them.

Then you toss the ravaged card out into a garbage can, the dream aborted, rosy mental budget projections quickly repealed. The mortgage will remain underwater for now.

Occasionally, I'll use one to clear my teeth of stuck meat, but that's rare...the occasion, not the meat, I mean. Which is not to say that the meat doesn't originally START as rare, it's just I don't see how even the most lightly cooked meats, being stuck in the human mouth for hours and hours could physically maintain their state of tartare. THAT would be double rare.

Today, I received this scratch-off at Publix:

Every single box a winner!

Kinda. If you consider $3 prizes a win. I don't.

The uniform cheapness of the prizes proves that this is nothing but an engineered win designed to elicit a positive consumer response; a free crack sample.

I did buy two more with some of my winnings. Sho' nuf:




WAH-WAHHHHHH! BOIOIOIOINGGGG!!!They sure fixed their printing glitches damn fast that day. Can't see it in this photo, but the final prize amount under the "5" is 10 grand. So close. Not really.

There's no double rare in the scratch-off game. Get a matching number, get a tiny prize. Big prize? Non-matching number. To deny this is to be doomed to a double-wide.

I walked away with a profit of $23, which will go to Princess' tuition. I suppose it would be discourteous not to thank the GA Lottery for helping me start my own out-of-state Hope Scholarship.

EMBRACE YOUR INNER HAM

Eric and Steve were too sick for school today, so we all took a best of and I caught up on my busyness. As of blogpublishing time, we should be a go for tomorrow's TRG broadcast on Rock 100.5 at 6am.

As one of Atlanta's most notable Jews, I've been asked to participate in an event sponsored in part by Heeb Magazine, part of the Cool Jew Craze now allegedly sweeping the nation by the likes of Seth Rogan, Adam Sandler, Sarah Silverman, and all those people.

The event organizers even gave me free copies of Heeb to peruse in order to prepare for the panel discussion, "The Impact of Jews in Pop Culture." In keeping with the stereotype, the copies were from 2007. Have they not published since?

The Impact of Jews on Pop Culture. Is there a doubt that Jews have had an impact? Dominance comes to mind. But what has that gotten us lately?

Iran and friends want to wipe the Jews out. Maybe they don't get the genius of the Three Stooges? The gays run Hollywood now. Didn't they see Jaws? Bernie Madoff is getting his ass kicked in prison. Maybe Rickles went over the line a time or two, but come on! OK, not even the box office receipts of all the Spielberg movies bundled in a large suitcase and handed over to his victims could right that wrong. Ass kick away, prisoners. 

What's going on kosher dog? Being tops of the pops is not really cutting it, I'd say. It's like being the best harpist at the Monsters of Rock.

Last week, a band of militant rabbis decided that lox should no longer be considered kosher, threatening the validity of so many Sunday brunches past and present. The implications for thousands of kosher Jews who have eaten lox cannot be calculated. Will they need their entire gastro-intestinal system flushed out or replaced? Should there be an asterisk painted in lamb's blood on Sunday brunch photos that feature the family gathered around a dish of lox? I personally don't give a damn because I refrain from any dietary guideline that doesn't impact my sexiness and I hate lox. Too fishy.

To me, this makes the rabbis look greedy, waiting for a multi-million dollar bribe from desperate lox companies who will pay dearly for their kosher status back. I wouldn't be surprised if Big Bacon stepped up to the plate with a billion dollars to get it's pork products reclassified...and they'd probably get it!!! Buncha corrupt fux. Making lox unkosher because of a technicality? Have you lost your mind? We've got technology now to replace those urban desert myths. And don't think that keeping kosher scores big points in the popular culture anymore. Ya know who else keeps kosher? Yup, the brown guys in funny hats who like to blow up things, and I'm not referring to Grampa Irv in Miami with a hooker.

I'm going to try to take a survey at the discussion festival of how many Jews in the room consider themselves right wing, expecting there will be a lack. I might point out that the beloved Israel we pay lip service to here in the US is filled with right wing Jews who are the only reason why Israel still exists. They have balls the size of beautiful Vidalia onions those people do and manage with an ocean of hatred surrounding them. Even the water has Jew-eating sharks there. They don't survive because thy are court jesters to the new king, and they don't tolerate 7/8ths of the crap American and European Jews do.  Do not mess with the Zohan!

There will be lots to discuss with my fellow Heebs and I look forward to it. My goal, as always, is to solve all the problems in one panel discussion. Sunday, 3/14, 10am, Oglethorpe's Lupton Hall. Lox is optional.

Peteetong!

WE STILL OWN THAT DOME!

Thank you to the folks at something called Secular Stupidest where they sell a fine line of witty conservative and anti-big government stickers.

I opened my email bucket today to discover that they enjoyed my Tea Party speech enough last week to make a sweet video production of my stint. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It was a little pitchy in parts, but I think I have a shot of becoming the next American Idol for at least the Warholian interval for which we are all entitled according to our Constitution and the Talmud.

Here it is, the Red, the Wachs,and the Blue:

HOT CURLER

Friday night I watched the entire women's Olympic curling final. Before you form the word "loser" on your tongue, consider:

This is the captain of the Canadian team, Cheryl Bernard. Low to the ground, mouth open. That's why I like the women's curling. In HD her arched eyebrows, blue eyes, and curling broom made her look like a really athletic, sexy witch.

That was Friday night.

Saturday was another Tea Party appearance to celebrate the one year mark of the thing. I spoke. It went well. The crowd was small, but these events are just there to let people know the flame is still burning, and the November and beyond reclaiming of a somewhat constitutional government is still Job 1. I just wish the speakers would exercise some self-government and get off the stage after 5 minutes. And make sure they have something vibrant to say.

I say this because I was scheduled 7th or something and the first guy out of the box read something like 20 pages of eloquent constitutional thought, which is nice but incredibly dull. The point here is to fire up ordinary citizens with inspirational and witty remarks on the current state of things. Not audition for the next CPAC.

I like Tommy J, and Benny Frank, and all those rednecks who founded our country, but when it's 52 degrees with a windchill of 41, and I'm yay close to doing the unthinkable and borrowing Herman from Dunwoody's New England Patriots pullover as if he's the captain of the football team I'm dating, I'd like not to have to hear another exhaustive study of the Federalist Papers.

Congressman Tom Price got up there, knocked them out with a few pithy, yet rousing, remarks, and called it a day after 2 minutes. Looking forward to the next one, but please, let's remember why we're doing this. Hearts and minds aren't won without editing and wit. 

 

I was so cold that I sought refuge in the Grady Hospital McDonald's which is a little like going to a prison meal or, at least, the snack bar at the DMV...if they had one. I'm happy to say I wasn't assaulted or killed, and the fine employees there wear double gloves on their hands. My only complaint is that the bathroom smelled of homelessness despite the fact that an employee had to buzz you into it from behind the counter. Guess what? That system is not keeping the bum smell out of your bathrooms. Seems to me the lock is keeping the cleaners out, too.

Too much fast food this weekend although Subway isn't really junk and this time it was slow food. I had the misfortune of being behind an entire Indian family with Dad, Mom, Grandmom, 3 kids, and the pet cow...j/k on the cow....might as well though.

The last time my wife thought I was an overbearing control freak, I flew her to India to hang out with some Indian men. This guy...like how I wrote that in an Indian accent? "This guy."...must have grounded his children for a week 4 times for some small transgression in the Subway line like picking white instead of the healthier whole wheat bread, or, Shiva forbid, even looking at the roast beef.

So that took forever just to get their sandwiches off the starting block and then, down the line, the mother...or maybe it was the grandmother. It's hard to tell with that freakin' babushka on her head...runs into trouble with the toppings. Overheard conversation:

SUBWAY SANDWICH ARTISTE: Mademoiselle, What veggies would you like?

INDIAN WOMAN: I'd like some baby spinach on my sandwich.

SSA: Uh...we don't have none o that. Just what's up here on this sign.

(taps the dirty plexiglas with the gloved hand, rendering glove microbially moot)

Now the overbearing Indian dad, having kept the kids in line, goes over to see what her problem is.

OVERBEARING SMALL-PENISED INDIAN DAD: Did you ask for the baby spinach?

INDIAN WOMAN: He is telling me they don't have the baby spinach.

OSPID: OK, then we take the regular spinach.

SUBWAY ARTISTE: Sir, we don't have no spinach.

Then he motions over the franchisee at the register who speaks the culture and explains in Indianese that they don't have any damn spinach and where in Shiva's name does he get that idea? Just a guess. 

That all cleared up, I get to the register and the owner says, "Combo?" with a certain amount of glee. They looove selling those combos. Good profit margins, and it's one of the few words that make them feel like they fit in. COMBO!

"Combo," I reply. Before I go Rambo on this place.

"Combo!" he shouts in that "welcome to Moe's!" style voice, like I won the jackpot. I felt I did, getting out of there with a meal that at one point didn't look possible.

It was tasty, for the record.

Peteetong!

Cream of the Crap

Oh, good. Nothing like renaming things to fix a fundamentally broken system. Turd Polisher (and, in all fairness, Governor of GA) Sonny Perdue reveals his new pitch to give the impression of competition without any actual competition taking place.

All-Star Teachers.

What is an All-Star Teacher? I guess it's whatever the Teacher's Union says it is. The Governor is just going along with it. What does he care? He was never a conservative and has no reason to be now.

Forget about what an All-Star teacher is. The more relevant question is, "Do we even need kids to run a school system?"

Shouldn't the kids have some say in this "All Star Teacher" business? They are the implied customer in this relationship. Hell, even Major League Baseball lets their idiot fans decide who their All-Stars will be. If not for the fans, why have an All-Star Game? If not for the kids then...well...ummm...awkward...cut!

And in a school system that hands out unearned plaudits to any tard (sorry Mrs. Palin) who can drool their way through the wisdom of the great Karl Marx for 12 years, all for the privilege of going to a top commie finishing school, you can rest assured that within 5 years, every Georgia teacher will be considered an All-Star and GA students will still be last in everything called smart.

Other than that, I fuckin' LOVE this idea. It's so crazy it just might work. Wish I had an All-Star teacher when I was in school. I might be less offended by the state. 

In Honor of JD Salinger

Don't get me wrong. I hated Catcher in the Rye. Although the gay porno it inspired, "Catcher With the Brown Eye," got good reviews.

"Wicked miserable prick, that Sahhhlinger," say some New Hampshire locals in their native brogue. I agree hardscrabble, independent-minded, New Hampshirers who talk like 7-year olds. I for one couldn't care less if he left his house ever. Just died at 91? Hmph! He's been dead to us for decades. If a man can't be cordial to other folks, then fuck him and his whole goddamned family!

But since I haven't posted in...what is this? 2010?...almost two years because I'm a subpar multitasker, I thought the Salinger death was a welcome excuse to say hey. So..hey!

It's weird doing this now when I'm gainfully employed since The House of Wachs began as an unemployment era free market work program. It makes me feel like I'm poking a stick in the many eyes of fate, but since this is year last of our current Regular Guys 3.0 Radio Super Star contract, and given the state of employment around the USA, I guess it might be a good idea to post from time to time to prepare for the worst, yet hope for the best, as those rowdy Tea Partiers would say.

Speaking of that, I do have some content here on this otherwise self-absorbed, but in an iconic way, post. I have been asked to speak at the Tea Party rallies 2/27, 4/15, and another big DC one on 9/12/10. So that's nice. History will likely see me as one of the great fathers of the 2nd American Revolution, or a guy who got audited a lot in the early 21st century. Come on out and be able to say "at least I tried" when the Feds haul you off to the re-ed camps. Bring a picnic and some clever Anti-Obama signs and you'll be hooked. You've only your life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness to lose.

Buy the movie I'm in here, please.

Valentine's Day tip:

BUY THESE CANDY BARS!

Mind-blowingly good.

I ordered some last week for Valentine's, but I broke into em tonight because Saturday night is chocolate night at the home. Living as the only male in the household for 20 years will do that to a fella. So then I ordered another box to present on VD, but forgot it won't come in time, so I ordered ANOTHER with expensive shipping so that I wouldn't look like an asshole for eating all the candy. God, I'm gonna get tits if I'm not careful.

The Bourbon Ganache bar is the one I had. Don't know about the rest, but it seems these people know what they are doing with chocolate.

That's all for now.

MORE CHICKENS

I wish Gen. Daniel Petraeus could have been at Hooters with me, last week, before the Senate surge against American interests held their annual hostage taking with him as guest victim. Apparently, the surge is working a little too well, and certain senators with the presidency on their mind wanted some snappy answers as to why American defeat was not imminent.

While the good General did a fine job of helping the anti-war wing of the Senate look foolish and myopic again, I thought he would have been a lot better off eating wings and polishing off a pitcher or two with me before going to face the wolves. He would have found a good argument for war there.

I was recently honored to be asked to judge a Hooters bikini pageant. It gave me that Hasselhoff feeling, and I thank the organizers of the pageant. A striking girl of about 23 took the stage to showcase her swimsuit and plastic surgeries for the adoring crowd of priapitics. She was a Vietnamese/African American mix, and her beauty made me wonder if Vietnam was really that much of a quagmire after all.

Mark my words. A generation from now we will be marveling at the beauty of Iraqi-American strumpets with daddy issues, strutting their Weapons of Male Destruction on a riser under a tent somewhere in America on a Friday night. Anti-Iraq protestors will return to their roots as grumpy, unrequited feminists with misspelled placards and get back to some good old fashioned male bashing, and we will all finally understand why we were in Iraq, winning.

The week of political Tourette’s didn’t stop there. It was the anti-flamers who were running around San Francisco this time, indulging into the left's favorite new diversion of capturing the Olympic Torch.

FREE TIBET! the anarchists other unmedicated bipolars running around Golden Gate Park screamed. Darfur is the new Global Cooling.

Don't be fooled. This is just a dress rehearsal for the Democratic convention in Denver, where the depressed and desperate will attempt to rekindle the race riots not experienced since the days when liberalism and it's destructive winds of hope and change were just a gentle breeze.

After that, it's a short microbus trip up to Vail, just in time for the annual ski lodge burning season.

Why does anyone on the left wish to FREE TIBET!? Objectively speaking, Tibet is a theocracy run by a charismatic and exotic dictator, the Dalai Lama. Tibet is not a republic. Its own people are not diverse. There is censorship from within and few, if any, of the personal freedoms that we take for granted.

They also have boy kings. Well, we did too, but Lou Pearlman is in jail, and Nick Lachey got dumped, so our domestic boy king nightmare of the late 90s has been solved.

It doesn't require much imagination to see the problems a nation could have when it wants to mobilize against a predator and its leader is 11 years old. The best outcome one could hope for would be that China accepts a game of Halo to decide who lives and dies.

So it's puzzling to me that a Richard Gere, for example, who is remarkably consistent when it comes to giving the sour lemon face for every line reading in every movie role he takes on, would be so contradictory when it comes to his pets in Tibet. Why THAT theocracy?

How quick were the Tibet Freedom and Torch Snuffers Union to defend Koresh and the Branch Dividians when they were under siege by our separated-from-church state? I think almost 1 person may have protested.

It's almost reflexive, here in our purple states, that when a politician, usually in the Republican party, mentions that their faith may have, on background, in some Zen-like way, have had an influence on their decision-making process in government, the left breaks the glass on the theocracy alarm and readies the bastille with non-lethal beanbag firing arms to ward off the coming neo-Crusades.

It all reminds me of the scene in the Godfather in which the 5 Families get together to discuss this business of narcotics...which is a dirty business. But despite the grumblings from those not already with a piece of the pie, it is resolved: No drug sales near schools or children. Ideally, which is the way most criminal enterprises start out; it would be sold in the black neighborhoods. It's decided that, since this is indisputably where animals live, they have no souls worth saving.

Similarly, the Clinton Crime Family and the Obama Gang have decided that theocracies are OK... in Iraq, Iran, and now, China. After all, China is slowly turning away from Communism, the beloved religion of statists everywhere. They're animals. Let them lose their souls.

THE A**HOLE MYSTIQUE

I’ve had it with the Barack Obama myth.

Geraldine Ferraro had it about right, but she fouled it off. Yeah, Barack Obama is getting ahead of that dear sweet old lady, Hillary Clinton, partly because he’s perceived as black. But, so what? Isn’t that only leveling the playing field when Hillary is working her glass ceiling con?

They both represent grievance groups. The guy from the slave people vs. the lady from Feministicism. It’s a wash.

What Geraldine was trying to say was that Barack Obama is an a**hole. You might say that Hillary is one, too, and you’d be correct. I might add that she’s been an obvious a**hole for many years. What’s really propelling Obama’s rise is not his skin hue, but the fact that most of the public doesn’t realize what an a**hole he is just yet.

All the signs are there. The inexperience. The untenable Marxist ideas. The wife deeply suspicious of whites, and the capper this week, the revelation of the Pat Robertson level reasoning, mouth foaming, brow sweating, America-hating preacher in Obama’s inner circle of advisers. Of course, apologists for such behavior will blame conservatives for making a big deal out of nothing.

“Hey, Obama didn’t say it.” Of course not.  Obama was just watching and occasionally having long private conversations with this virtual stranger. Now, that Mitt Romney… Whoo, boy! THAT was a crazy kinda Christian. You need to look into that Mormonism. I believe they take several wives at a time, they do.

Jimmy Carter was a jerk who got lucky by following a slimy Republican and running against a statue who pardoned the slimy Republican. He was folksy and southern, and America’s lefties, feeling guilty for treating the ancestors of slave-holding crackers in such disregard for years, felt obliged to help the South rehab itself  by encouraging the folksy, New South Carter into high office. Problem was, Carter disliked Jews and was a coward in the face of dictators. It wasn’t until he was in office and scolding America for not wearing sweaters that America figured out what an a**hole he was.

Obama is an a**hole whose time will come soon enough, so let’s set that aside and inspect the aftermath of an a**hole whose time has come and gone.

The Governor who wanted to be an Emperor, Elliot Spitzer, made the quickest exit from public life since Bud Dwyer, but I think The Spitz will be plenty OK after all this dies down. Fans of injustice will recall that, before he was Attorney General and Governor of NY, he was well known by many to be a plain a**hole  with money. Now that he's back to being a plain a**hole with money,  I'm sure the adjustment won't be so difficult for him.

Ms. Ashley Dupre, fresh from allowing Mr. Spitzer to give her an exit poll, has left Manhattan what with the media hounding her because they are outraged she's taken jobs from illegal Mexicans and Koreans.

She will now calmly and rationally, with her team of porn advisors,  ponder the many career offers that are pouring in from oil companies, think tanks, the military, research laboratories, Microsoft, Google, and Bill Clinton.

She's gonna be OK in life. Her problems are over. Now, she'll earn enough to keep her in clubs, drugs, and 24-hour diners until she reaches her expected life span of 37. Besides, no one I know disputes that her pop single is a monster #1 hit, so she's got some back up cash in case a protracted bidding war heats up between Saudi princes and hedge fund managers.

Remember her philosophy as summed up in her pithy MySpace page maxim. "What destroys me, strengthens me." How true. Who amongst us doesn’t gain strength from being destroyed? Look at Elvis. Falling off a toilet seat to his death was about the wisest decision he ever made.

So whether it’s the rap desperadoes she hangs out with who eventually manage to go through all her money, or the GNP of Peru that turns her vascular system into a human Ganges, Ashley Alexandra Dupre Youmans Romo is made from the stuff of survival. No, don't cry for her, America.

But has anyone given any thought during this mess to how all this must make Ashley's cousin feel? It must be torture being the cousin of a high dollar prostitute. All those years of, "I want to, but I can't" has now suddenly become "I EASILY COULD HAVE!!!" (groan)

Tough break, kid. But look at the bright side. If no relative made those late night visits to sis' room, America would still be without it's first blind governor. You can't argue with progress, even when it seems like it's dirty and illegal.

SOME TIME FOR REMARKS

There was Michelle Obama on TV, boldly telling America that she was proud of us for the first time and that saying her husband's middle name of "Hussein" is off limits. Bitch, who do you think you are?

Why can't Barack Hussein Osama control his wife? Why can't Bill Clinton?  My wife decides to start her own morning show after I'm done? BAM!

Another entitlement junkie we got here with this Obama chick. She's learned nothing from the fall of Hillary the Inevitable.

Insinuating that Barack Obama has ties to our enemies by publicly saying his middle name "Hussein," is off limits. However, insinuating that John McCain had an affair with lobbyists, and may not be eligible for the presidency because he was born in Panama is fair game.

And what's the penalty for not obeying? A scolding from people I intensely dislike?

After careful consideration, I have decided to continue my referring to Barack Obama as "Hussein Osama." Oh, it'll be rough withstanding the mocking and withering stares of people who are scared of Democrats, but I think I'll be able to pull through.

Is this how Obama would handle international affairs? Will he scold our enemies for not playing fair with nothing to back it up?

------------------------

I also sat in wonderment and some embarrassment as one of Clinton Racing's top drivers, John Lewis of GA, pulled some Shake and Bake by announcing he was going to throw his Superdelegate cape over Barack Obama.

Even the reporter was astonished at his assertion that changing allegiances from the Clintons was harder than walking in protest at Selma, AL in the 60s.

What a remarkable statement he's making. Walking over a bridge in the 1960s in Alabama knowing you will get your ass kicked by the force of law, is easier than screwing over the Clintons? I would think just the opposite.

Does that mean the Clintons are meaner than the crackers who bashed in Lewis' head in the 60s in Alabama?

God help John Lewis if the Clinton's somehow win.

----------------

The glorious news is that Jamie-Lynn Spears, known as 'the normal Spears' on account of her only being pregnant at 16, has passed her GED. That's Grade Equivalency Diploma for people in Roswell. At least the grad party was top shelf with all the GEDers getting it on courtesy of their ultra cool parents with their condoms at the ready.

My money was on STD or IUD before GED. Despite this setback, I'm going to wager that DVD is in her future.

-----------------

I heard overheard two classics this weekend.

At a dull party with good food several nights ago, (WTF has "couples showers?" That is way beyond what decent society requires.) I sat with the other men who didn't want to be there while we smoked and ate and talked about war and golf while staring at "Wedding Crashers" on TBS.

The scene on the screen during a lull in conversation was a montage of Vince Vaughn and his buddy Owen Wilson making out with all these chicks they meet at weddings.

A 75-year old guy said to me, "They're just bangin' everybody, aren't they?"

Yes, they are. Classic.

The other one was with Southside Steve on the golf course. Steve was bitching about how Eric always mocks him and he was particularly harsh the other day during one of his many mistakes. He said he felt like he was a Jew being brought to the showers by the constant persecution of Eric the Nazi, but it came out like this:

"I felt like a Jewish person being dragged into the bathrooms."

Classic.

NO CITY FOR ANGRY MEN

This evening, I took the opportunity to address the Johns Creek City Council, and the mayor, on the problem of Eric Von Haessler's hateful and disrespectful remarks recently about my city. Here is the text of my address.

Mr. Mayor, council members, media people, friends---

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. This is a tale of two cities. This is a tale of two men. This is a tale of 2 girls and 1 cup, and this is the tale of two ideas so diametrically opposed that somethig must give.

Recently, my colleague at work, Mr. Eric Von Haessler, chose to pursue an extremely slanderous agenda aimed at the city of Johns Creek. The motivation is not clear nor very important, although I happen to think that he is jealous and has a bit of a screw loose because of his choices in life.

Eric Von Haessler, you see, lives in Roswell. That's right, you heard me, Roswell. A city blighted by grifters, pimps, illegals, card counters, strippers, hippies, people with ED, gypsies. tramps, MARTA riders, motorcycle gangs, drug dealers, jackrabitt retailers, troglodytes, waterheads, and illegals. Mr. Von Haessler, of Roswell thinks it's OK to call Johns Creek an inferior city. He says it's OK to step up criticism of our new city from the ooze of Roswell, GA.  Well, ain't that the cess pool calling the creek wet?

I call upon you board members and Your Honor the Mayor to release to me a grant of $500. With these funds, I will endeavor to print posters of Mr. Eric Von Haessler's stupid face and get these posters placement in the fine homes and businesses in Johns Creek.

I call them "Not Wanted" posters. When Mr. Von Haessler comes to visit our city he can be shunned as he should be for his insensitive and hypocritical remarks.

In closing, I would like to say how much I love Johns Creek and America. But unlike America, Johns Creek is new and fragile. It's newer than Iraq..I'm pretty sure. Whatever. In order for greatness to occur, there must be limits to our tolerance. Roswell tolerates grifters, pimps, illegals, card counters, strippers, hippies, people with ED, gypsies. tramps, MARTA riders, motorcycle gangs, drug dealers, jackrabitt retailers, troglodytes, waterheads, and illegals. Are we going down that road?

I believe Delta flies to Roswell. So if you don't like it here. They're ready when you are.

Snap. And Thank you.

THE HAPPY GAP

Here's some more sad news for Democrats. Most Americans are pretty darn happy. Let's be clear. Most of what Americans categorize as sadnesses are really annoyances. And most of those annoyances come at the tail end of something really good.

Take cell phones. They save time, money, and the environment. That's the fundamental reason why we buy them, because as cameras, they suck.

How many trips in the dreaded SUV do we save because we called from the road to make sure the family wants the 4th rotisserie chicken and bag of salad dinner this week? I got this job, not because I'm very good at writing. I got this job because I have better portable email than funnier people, and I don't belong to a union.

But it's the annoyances and little trade-offs that get people's attention. They tend to stick out in a crowd of progressions in our evolution as social beasts that have become taken as given.

That's why we read with mounting dread that the end is nigh because cell phones can give you head cancer (even though it's a flimsy theory). The fees for quitting a binding contract are draconian (even though you knew full well when you signed up, ya big baby). The police can track your whereabouts with your cell phone (even though they don't care about you because you haven't killed anybody).

Cell phone service also sounds like shit in most places, the Bluetooth headsets make us look like jerks, and it makes people do loud Bob Newhart-style routines in public. But who amongst us is impractical and politically-minded enough to give their phone up tomorrow? Hands?

OK, you three over there. Good luck. Tell Mr. Kaczynski we said hello. The rest of us understand that the good outweighs the bad, and best of all, no government agency planned this. We did. The people of Lilliput.

The government pretty much now functions as a tech support call center for people's complaints about their luxuries.

"He's emailing me junk."

"My health insurance makes it unaffordable to fill my mouth with extra calories."

"Their sales techniques were too persuasive."

So what does this mean for Democrats? The campaigns of Barack O Carter and the Horny President's Wife have been pretty pessimistic. In fact, they are virtually identical to the philosophical musings of recent presidential drop out John Two Americas, the only difference being that JTA doesn't have the pelt of BOC or HWPHRC, whose African and female hides are valued more in the Democrat political markets.

To them, we the people are drinking the vintage from where the grapes of wrath are stored and we need to be pacified by those who can. HPWHRC (a.k.a. HipWork) promises nothing less than a full redress of grievances for all Americans with a problem coping with life's advances.

Barack O Carter talks about the "Audacity of Hope" as if it takes daring to sit on your ass all day and dream. And his wife reveals that, until recently, she was cross with America for never ever considering black people for anything, even though she and her friends went to Princeton and Harvard, and pretty much did as they pleased.

I don't think it matters much for Democrats which one of these welfare staters wins. It's the Republicans race to lose, and it has been that way since the 60s. Different faces, from different places. Same results. It's the outlook, stupid.

LARRY THE KING

OK, fuck it. I changed my mind. Man's prerogative. My last post brought nothing but negative reaction and embarrassment. Burger King brought back the Whopper.

I will post when I get the chance, and right now I have the chance. Rejoice.

---------------------

In Whole Foods I saw a magazine with big fat Paula Deen on the cover. What is healthy about her cooking? Organic lard?

Why is it that Whole Foods doesn't carry People Magazine at their checkout stands? What religion are they running in there that gossip and humor are in the same category as trans-fats?

---------------

Everytime I jog past this one house in my neighborhood, a crazed poodle (I think it's Korean owned which explains the neuroses) leaps out of the bushes and acts like an asshole toward me. It can't go very far or else it's electronic collar zaps it. Ethically, I have no problem teasing the dog so it shocks itself over and over again until it learns. Get some manners crazy poodle!

-------------------------------

On the news, I heard a reporter give the grim story of how an inner city youth named DeAnthony was killed in some inner city mischief. I can't help but think that his name had a little something to do with the fact that he was DeAnthonized. When you name your kid in the negative such as DeAnthony, or UnShawn, or Nochelle, you have to understand that you are putting a target on their back. Henceforth, I am calling my daughter, Proretha.

-----------------

At the QT one recent morning:

CLERK: 53 cents is your change. Come on back.

He left the register to go to the back room of the store, so I followed him. Maybe I won a prize for being a polite customer.

CLERK: WTF are you doing back here?

ME: You told me to come back.

Turns out that's what they tell people to make them return to the store in the future.

We had a good laugh about the mix-up and he invited me to sit on the milk crates with him and look at a copy of Juggs magazine he stole from the rack up front.

-----------------------

Police station cars outside of bars on the theory that dangerous drivers will be leaving the parking lots late at night. That may be true, but my experience of late is that more dangerous drivers are leaving hospitals than bars and nightclubs. Twice in the past two weeks, I've swerved to avoid women crying as they leave the hospital. God knows what goes on in there, but it makes them lose control of themselves. Women, disease, driving. That's a deadly cocktail, friends.

------------------

Hey, Gator fans who get Georgia plates with the Gator logo. I'm buying a pack of Sharpies to keep in the car. Just lettin' ya know. Isn't it enough that you steal our water? You want a Florida tag? Move to GODDAM FLORIDA!!!

-----------------

Billy Ray Cyrus recently apologized for his daughter, Hannah Montana, not wearing seatbelts in her movie...in 3D yet!!! I appreciate the sentiment, but I can handle this.

Well, Daddy. Hannah Montana doesn't wear seat belts. (LOUD BELT NOISE ON KID'S ASS)

------------------

Here's a photo of Gary Coleman getting married.

Gross!

The gays must be really pissed. It's really rubbing their noses in it when this marriage can occur but their's cannot.

WHAT'S YOUR STORY? #11

CLINTON STEALS

My old pal Tim Conway, Jr. who can be heard weeknights from 8-11pm Pacific in Los Angeles on KLSX,(97.1FM) and on the web, emails a complaint.

"Hey, that Clinton is stealing my dad's act!"

Well, I sure as hell won't be voting for him to be president this year. Not after this.

STIM YOU LATER

Congress unveils economic stimulus deal

Oh, that stimulus package. So stimulating. R U stim u l8ed?

I don't think I am. It says here on the packaging:

The full rebate would be limited to individuals earning $75,000 or less and couples with incomes of $150,000 or less, but a partial rebate would go to individuals earning up to $87,000 and couples earning up to $174,000.

If it's based on the tax year just finished in which I was massively underemployed, then I'm eligible. I'll take it for sure, but there's no reason to believe it's going to help the economy.

The very fact that I have to have a pretty unproductive year in order to qualify for a government rebate check is the only evidence needed to show that it's nothing more than taking money out of one pocket and putting it into another. Basic economics right there.

The economy is only stimulated when people and businesses can count on keeping more money in their check each week over the long haul.  What's that? You think a $600 lump sum is gonna get someone to start a business? You couldn't even start an illegal business with that.

I'm going to spend it if I get it, and so will everyone else, but since everything costs more and the dollar is worth less, what's the point? You'd do better if you just filled a few Army transport planes with $150 billion in cash and dropped it over random cities and towns. At least then, the successful people could take their money back by rolling a few lucky crackheads.

In the past several years, I've been offered several jobs. NONE of them came from people earning less than $75,000 a year.

Wait, that's wrong. Three years ago I was approached by a schlepper for an internet radio venture. I agreed to meet for lunch to discuss and was met by two guys of college age, one of whom wore an Army surplus jacket to the event (he was the CEO of the venture), and the other with a nice business ski cap on.

Contract?

"We don't believe in them."

Sales staff?

"Not yet."

Studios?

"Not yet, but a friend is helping us with the equipment which we're getting."

Looks promising. Capital?

"An associate has promised $5 million dollars."

Salary?

"Whatever you need."

When does this start?

"About a month from now."

After some haggling, I got a free hamburger and the chance to leave. Pretty good deal, however no wealth was created on that day.

Abstract economic lesson made concrete. People without a pot to piss in cannot give you a job. People with capital (i.e. wealthy guys with cars and clothes and girls), give them to you so you can go out and one day buy cars and clothes and girls of your own. Show no love to producers of these jobs at your political peril. That's how it works.

Period. End page. Bibliography. New book.

I HAD A NAP

Today's hero is an unlikely one here in the House of Wachs.

President Willie. Here's a video of him falling asleep during a speech by one of the King Offspring. 

Hey, somebody had to snore it! 

Martin was the one who sacrificed his life for a good idea. Coretta is gone, the last person to be able to have some legitimate claim to the struggle. But those kids of his....

Basking in the reflected martyrdom we give them and they repay us with self-serving and uninspiring meanderings.

Good job, President BJ, napping through that freeloader's dreck! I feel your sleepiness. Just the mention of the King Family gives me a warm sense of ennui as my eyes glaze.

Now if you could just see your way clear to derailing that Marxist sociopath you call a wife one more time with your genital antics, that'd be swell.

Today's goat is La Daintyan Tomlinson, running back for the San Diego Lady Chargers, currently the front runner for the NFL's Kirsten Dunst Award.

The real LT is Lawrence Taylor; a man so tough that NFL offenses started investing millions of dollars in the left tackle position due to his ferocious play; a man so clairvoyant that he broke Joe Thiesmann's leg in anticipation of the day Joe would become an insufferable TV host.

Tomlinson as LT, my knee. More like Lay-tee.

Phillip Rivers, had knee surgery before the AFC title game. Played.

Antonio Gates, dislocated toe. Played.

La Daintyan had a sore knee. Stopped playing after 4 touches. No surgery needed.

"You tell me what running back has played with a sprained MCL and been effective. You might go out there and try to limp around and play, but it's not going to happen." said the defensive offensive back.

You mean, of the running backs who wear earrings like Vicki Lawrence on Mama's Family? You got me there.

Was there no cortisone available? Shoot that thing up and get out there. It's not Week 6 of the regular season. Do something!

I guess the knee was so badly hurt that he would have risked severe injury if he stood on the sideline helping his teammates read defenses and such. Better to sit and pout with your tinted helmet on so no one will see you cry.

The Lady Chargers have a problem. Lay-Tee can play. But this is the second year in a row that he's acted like Celine Dion on her period after a big game. Physical ability means nothing if the mental game is off.

You'll recall last year, after the Patriots mocked Shawne Merry Man's dance, the classic quote from La Daintyan was:

"When you go to the middle of our field and you start doing the dance that Shawne Merriman is known for, that's disrespectful."

If I ran the Chargers I would leak a bogus rumor to the press that we've talked to several teams about trading her Majesty. Teams such as the Falcons. That ought to be a wake-up call. Have Natrone Means come into the office during mini-camp this spring. At least he got them into the Bowl.

Then again, it's probably the management that needs the wake-up call the most. Do you think Marty Schottenheimer would have let LT sit much less pout? He's gone. I guess they like it soft in San Diego. It makes a championship fisting more bearable.

Stay prissy, San Diego!

PROTECT YOUR NUT

A colleague emailed me these propheticesque words yesterday:

McCain beats Hillary 53% to 47% in the general election. His victory will come down to Independents who perceive him as a truth-teller compared to the legacy of the Clintons.

I like Romney but the Repubs, when given a choice, will always give it to the next guy in line- and it doesn't hurt that the next guy in line ain't a Mormon.

I fear two things this year. McCain getting the GOP nomination. This will lead to a Hillary Clinton victory in my view. 

So actually, I'm only afraid of one thing. A Clinton victory. At least I've cut my worries by 50%, and it's not even February.

I've already taken some steps to protect myself  in case of such a dire occurence that a known rapist uses his straw wife to get a 3rd term, and none of them include moving to Europe as those cowardly weasels on the left promised back in 2000 and still haven't done, much to virtually everyone's annoyance in America.

I'm going to blackmail my brother, a top surgeon, who has stated to me that he intends to vote this mess into office and even campaign for her/him. I believe his group is Surgeons Against Salaries.

I know a lot about my brother. I have a lot of dirt on him going back to the time when we were 8 and 7, and he came up with the plan to poison the neighborhood retard, a 10 year old who told us he was friends with Hitler. The tard/bully promised that one call would have us both dead by morning.

The point is, I've got a lot of dirt on my brother and I may have to use it to secure free, off-the-grid healthcare for me and my family in perpetuity. I suggest you start keeping tabs on your favorite physician immediately. Hire a PI now, or wait in a year-long line for your prostate bleeding problems later. It's up to you. Economics don't bend to politics.

I'm also looking into being a pot dealer to secure some cash to send off shore. I wouldn't want be a cocaine dealer because they are more violent and ruthless given the nature of the commodity they are peddling. Pot dealers are probably a more friendly bunch given the tranquilizing properties of their product. Still, I'm only in the listening tour stages of my research into this venture.

Then again, I just may rob drug dealers like Omar on The Wire. He makes a pretty good living and can afford to go to the Carribean for vacations, although I would go with a woman.

Now would be a great time to head over to Buford Highway to establish an alternative identity from the many ID providers that have been helping the American-Mexican community for so many years. It comes in handy when you need to drive to work everyday instead of the alternate days that come with an environmentally safe administration.

Another thing that puzzles me is what is it about Mormonism that makes people think America won't vote for one for president. I don't see anything controversial about them.

A Mormon president wouldn't be all hopped up on caffeine like all the others. What's wrong with that? Maybe he'll get more rest and have time to relax and think about the issues more clearly instead of being twitchy from colas and coffee.

I'm voting for Romney in the primary because he's white. Why not?  I think America is ready for a really white president, and Mormons are the whitest of white people.

Romney. He's my wigger!*

_{*Until a Jewish candidate comes along.}

KIND NEWS NUGS

I have witnessed this countless times. Someone on TV, or at a gathering, will refer to black Africans--people living in Africa, never set foot on our soil--as African-Americans.

On a parallel correctness track, there are all those people who have looked at me like I'm an idiot when I've referred to white people from Africa who live here now as African-Americans.

Here's a variation on that old nugget. In Maryland, the governor has proposed a special driver's license for illegals. From the report:

Undocumented immigrants would not be able to use their license to board airplanes, enter federal buildings, or cross borders.

Ummm...wouldn't having a driver's license make them documented immigrants? Undocumented has now completely replaced illegal in the English language for Impractical-Americans from every country.

Oh, it's also a dipshit idea. We'll make it so you can drive amongst us in a vehicle made of ladders, but don't do something dangerous like go back to Mexico or enter government buildings. Oh, OK.

Mark this day on your calendars. January 15th, 2008. The day a local sports team has done something correct and pleasing for the first time since 1998.

The Braves' AAA team is moving from Richmond to Gwinnett County for the 2009 season. It makes too much sense. I won't believe it until I see the stadium rise from Sugarloaf Parkway.

AAA baseball was where I caught my first professional foul ball on a 30 degree April night in Rochester in the 1980s. In fact, I got two that night. There were only 27 people there, and I think everyone else got three, so it wasn't the thrill I'd thought it'd be. Still, I have never caught one in a major league park.

Minor league baseball is affordable and intimate. The security hangups are few. You see the talked about stars of the next few years, and, in this case, don't have to live in a shitty town where eating at Chipotle is exotic. Best of all, Braves fans don't have to drive 28 miles in tremendously frustrating traffic and low level APD flunkies with their ever-changing rules on parking, and then walk through poverty's laboratory to get to the game.

Good job, Braves. It makes up for the hell you helped make of my life while working for Clear Channel.

I heard a commercial on the radio for Lifelock. I'm not familiar with the product, but it's supposed to protect you against identity theft, according to the ad. Rush Limbaugh even endorses it and says it guarantees your identity will be safe from predators or you get $1 million if Lifelock fails you.

It sounds good, but here's the catch as I see it. Who gets the $1 million dollars? Wachs or the person who's pretending to be Wachs? Because if my identity is breached, there's nowhere I can deposit the check. Do they hand you a suitcase full of bills?

Here's Bill Clinton giving a speech surrounded by teen girls. Well, they keep giving pills to Britney. What could go wrong?

Did he let an SBD or did he mind rape her?

"It's hot in here," he says. So take off all your clothes. Everybody's thinking it. Smooth.

Then he turns around and asks the teens if THEY have any questions about middle class tax cuts. It just so happens that's what Jeri with the cute top and shiny dirty blonde hair is thinking about these days. Bill cares. It's getting REAL hot in here. And if you can't stand it, GET OUT!

Where did Nurse Chelsea take the girl, and what are they doing with the Chelster in the campaign? She's not allowed to speak to anyone, but she's always around.

Depending on their perception of how they are polling with the American public, I think the Clintons have something up their sleeve, and will use her as a key prop in some unconscionable stunt that will place the nation's pity on that poor, grieving, close knit family, the Clintons, and make them king and queen once again. Chelsea will be the South Park Kenny.

Don't ask me what exactly is going to happen. It's just a hunch. Maybe they'll release Hinckley for a few days to take some pot shots at her and highlight the flaws in the 2nd amendment. Maybe she'll slip on some meat and hit her head to point out the flaws of free market health care. Maybe they'll just stick her on a MARTA train that breaks down for hours with no A/C in a scary neighborhood to point out the need for more public transport funding. I don't know. But she's there for a reason.

Good night and great news.

VERMIN SUPREME

Congratulations to former Atlanta radio competitors, (whom we beat, natch) Frederick Toettcher & Richard Shertenlieb, now of WBCN/Boston, who pulled off this viral prank.

It’s a tribute to the Clinton credibility that millions of Americans instantly assumed it was a set-up by the Clintons to make her look like a victim.

So I also blame that radio show for helping her win in NH. OK, I can’t prove causation, but the correlation is strong.

Not to worry. She’s still unelectable in modern America, and given that NH has a higher percentage of “independents” i.e. crackpot libertarians and left-wing enviromentalretards than forthcoming states, there won’t be many more breaths of air during the months-long waterboarding torture America will continue to give the hated duo. The Iguana with Marfans was only down 2 points.

The “indies” is why McCain won in the GOP. Here’s a chart from the AJC:

(Sorry, but my formatting skills are subpar this evening)

NAME           VOTE TOTAL    VOTE %

John McCain    73,122             37%

Mitt Romney    62,719           32%

Mike Huckabee 21,665           11%

Rudy Giuliani    17,067             9%

Ron Paul          15,149             8%

Total Write-Ins    3,274               2%

Fred Thompson    2,375               1%

Duncan Hunter       983                   0%

Stephen Marchuk       320                0%

Alan Keyes       177                         0%

Albert Howard       173                     0%

Daniel Gilbert       110                     0%

Cornelius O’ Connor       100            0%

Jack Shepard         69                        0%

Tom Tancredo         59                      0%

Hugh Cort         38                              0%

John Cox         34                              0%

Vern Wuensche         33                    0%

Vermin Supreme   30                0%

James Mitchell         22                     0%

Mark Klein         18                           0%

Mark Fendig         11                        0%

There’s, like, no one in this state. I’ve seen bigger turnouts for the John’s Creek Commissioner of Wild Game.

Fred Thompson lost to write-ins. I guess that’s what happens when you make a heartburn face throughout your campaign.

And Vermin Supreme got more votes than three guys. 

Back to What’s Your Story (#9) taping tomorrow. The producers are putting immense pressure on me to lose weight and get more hairpieces. I’ve been binging and purging like a demon lately, so I’m good there, but there’s little time in my schedule to do big wig shopping, so help a brother out if you could.

If you can pitch in a hairpiece for me, I’d appreciate it. Maybe an auntie recently perished. Maybe you’ve been to Monica Pearson’s house. Maybe it’s an unwanted Christmas gift. Whatever you’ve got in the way of hairpieces or wigs, send it to:

Scott Kirby

c/o SuperDeluxe.com

1065 Williams St.

Atlanta, GA 30309

Then, look for your wig on the show. Great!

CHANGE OF FOOLS

"I want to make change, but I've already made change. I will continue to make change. I'm not just running on a promise of change. I'm running on 35 years of change. I'm running on having taken on the drug companies and the health insurance companies, taking on the oil companies. So, you know, I think it is clear that what we need is somebody who can deliver change. And we don't need to be raising the false hopes of our country about what can be delivered. The best way to know what change I will produce is to look at the changes that I've already made."--Hillary Clinton, Jan. 5, 2008

WTF is this woman talking about?

No one knows. No one.

So voters scratch their sacks and yawn while she clumsily recites her focus-group branding words.

It's like listening to these radio stations that name themselves after a guy.

"Fred FM is different from the other stations."

"How so?"

"It's named FRED!"

One of the fundamental reasons, other than ugly and mean, that this woman will have her pointy hat handed to her in NH, and beyond, for the next few delightful weeks, is that she is a cringe-inducing communicator of ideas.

Well, keep crying Sweet Cheese Buns. Maybe that'll work. Put ice on it. 

"I have so many opportunities for this nation."

You?

For..us?

Oh, I see. Because opportunity comes from government? Gotcha.

Maybe she's not such a bad communicator after all.

MIRROR, MIRROR

If Iowa has any say, we're headed for another Jimmy Carter-style era here in the colonies. Obama v. Huckabee. More inflation, more energy problems, more taxes, more government and more god.

But here's the cheery news--until there's more bad news. Iowans don't have any say.

Iowans are too white. If America lets them lead the way to the White House, then World War 2 becomes meaningless.

Iowans think Obama is a real black man. They think Miami Vice is great. They smoke a lot, and they eat at Applebee's. No, wait. That's misleading. They aspire to eat at Applebee's. 

What happens in Vegas never stays in Vegas. They've been exporting gambling and porn for years. What happens in Iowa, DOES stay in Iowa. No one wants to be like them. Even Nebraskans.

Here's the thing with Iowans. This is the only attention they'll get for another 4 years. If you got that little attention, say your family only celebrated 1 out of every 4 of your birthdays, you'd do something stupid, too.

Huckabee is toast after we're done with the JV states where Chuck Norris is still an A-lister.

On the Democrat side, Obama has a great chance. He's different from the other Dems.

Obama on terrorism? He'd be the first black president!

Obama on taxes? He'd the first black president!

Obama on illegal immigration? He'd be the first black president!

Obama on....first black president....

Maybe that's enough to win these days. We've had gay winners on Survivor. Perhaps we're ready. Hell, if someone could guarantee that his presidency would finally shut up all the people who whine about how racist America is, and they could finally go concentrate on earning for a living, I might even toss my vote into his cause.

But most likely, I'm voting for Reagan this time. He may be dead, but I like his philosophy.

FORWARD THINKING

I want to make it clear that I did not make the classic mistake of celebrating 2008. I merely kissed 2007 goodbye. There's a huge difference.

Here's me last year.

Look at that. FOOL! Celebrating a year that hadn't begun and would prove to suck. Well, no more. I am never again going to celebrate a year I haven't lived yet starting with this one. As far as I'm concerned, the jury is out on 2008. No. The jury hasn't even been seated yet.

And for those of you who stubbornly cling to the idea of celebrating a year at it's beginning, think about this. What if you die this year? You've already gone on record as having endorsed this year as a good one. Dumb. Really dumb.

We went to see some friends in Charleston, SC. I've some cool pictures to post as soon as I can dig the SD card out of the seat cushions in my car.

Their house was on a beautiful private island accessible only by boat to residents and their confirmed guests. Transport on the island is by golf cart or feet. The gimmick here is the closeness and harmony with the environment. Strict building codes and absolutely no retail.

That means, of course, you have to pretty much storyboard your next couple of days before you take a 12-mile boat ride back to civilization just to get to your car. And it's not like you get a discount for regressing so. In fact, all the residents and home owners paid quite the hefty premium for the remoteness and oneness of it all. Environmentalism is so cumbersome, inefficient, almost masochistic. You work your ass off for years to earn all this money and then blow it on a spread where you can watch birds and grass and trees like you can anywhere, but just less comfortably. I don't see it. All that cash to pretend you're a shipwreck survivor.

I like nature, but it's kind of boring after awhile. That's why they have cable channels. They sift through all the nature out there for the good stuff to film and show on TV. That way, you get some nature in ya, and can get some work done. That was the tacit bargain struck centuries ago between the rural and city people. Some of us will need to work in buildings with our minds.

Then I get home and glance at the WSJ which is reeling about the $100 a barrel oil, and how the US economy is in turmoil over this. Yeah, no kidding. Being environmentally friendly is hideously, obscenely expensive. The return on investment is poor. I've read several analyses that say roughly the same thing. We have enough oil in the ground obtainable at current technology to last 100 years at $1 a gallon. Plenty of time for Mother Necessity to help us discover new human sustaining technologies. So let's cut that shit out in '08.

Some good news on the '08 front. Hillary Clinton loses the first round pretty badly. Third place behind John Fagwards and Barack O Carter. You just know she's screaming at someone tonight and making Bill look more and more like a hero for cheating on her. I won't be the first or last with my analysis on this matter, but arguably the clearest. She lost because she's ugly and mean. Nothing anyone can do at this point to change this. She's certainly in it for the long haul because of her money, connections, and willingness to murder, but America will not vote for her. Nice.

On the other hand, if the GOP keeps handing I Hate Huckabee victories in the early going, your pal Wachs may be forced to take a hard look at Ms. Cynthia McKinney with the Green Party. At least with her, she'll do something to get herself impeached, and we can start fresh. Who's her running mate? Bobby Petrino? I'm in.

What else to catch up on? Oh, yeah. I got yelled at by a wedding DJ last week for watching the Patriots/Giants game instead of participating on the dance floor. Look, jackleg. You spin the MP3s and let me worry how to entertain myself. Weddings are for women and their friends. I participated plenty, but weddings end for me when dessert is served.

Even my wife, despite her frenzy to escape her roots and marry into my family fortune, soberly understood the implications for her special day and worked with me in scheduling our wedding for a day when no major sporting events would distract from our union of love. Unfortunately, the SF earthquake of '89 delayed the World Series to our day, but at least we made an effort and that Series sucked and no one cared when it returned.

Beyond that though,  what kind of man tells other men, who are GUESTS, and are ENJOYING THEMSELVES, watching one of the most MEMORABLE FOOTBALL GAMES OF THE DECADE, to stop? John Kerry risked all of his political cred demanding this game be put on three networks as the Constitution says, so we're almost obligated to watch. This DJ must be paid per boogie...or he's a fem.

Saw two movies that have Oscar buzz all over them. Juno was a pleasant disappointment. It came within a pregnant teen's belly hair of being unbearable with dialogue that made "Clerks" seem natural. The soundtrack has convinced me that, from now on,  the word "indie" is to be used as an insult for people who are consciously quirky. Then I saw "No Country For Old Men" which is a good movie with a shitty ending. You will love it and then you will hate it as I did.

Tiffany Fallon was just fired from Celebrity Apprentice. That hurts. I know she still wants me and my brother,  Dr. Mike, in a threesome with me watching from a closet. Now I can't watch her every week. I feel like NBC has done something terribly wrong, and I've emailed them to bring her back and set Omarosa on fire as she deserves. I'd love to see Trump say to her, "You're on fire!"

I swear, as soon as I find a foolproof alibi for the night when Rascal Flatts' bus goes over a cliff due to the brake lines being cut, she will be my next wife. I almost had her several years ago, after I photoshopped a penis on her picture and showed it to Keith Brooking, who believed it was real and immediately broke up with her. But by the time I saw her again, she had already hooked up with the band.

Tiffany was the was the first to get fired, too. Double pain. She failed to make a lot of money selling hot dogs apparently, and Trump admonished her, being a Playmate of the Year and all,  for not calling up Hugh Hefner and asking for $10,000 for a hot dog.

"He's my good friend," says Trump. "He would have done it for charity, my good friend would have. He would have given you $100,000, I'll bet my good friend would have. Did you know I'm good friends with an aging pornographer? You should have called him. He's a friend."

Well, as a friend, you probably know that Hef doesn't give a Tiffany Fallon $100,000 for a charity hot dog unless it's his weiner being wrapped in her buns out of charity for him being 90 and snorting Viagra.

So Trumpy fired her for being too shy and sweet and being too grossed out by Hugh Hefner. All the things that give me a boner, he hates, that Trump. He could never be my good friend.

Much more later, friends.

SKIN DEEP

Here's Michael Jackson in a Vegas bookstore with what looks to be office supplies all over his fucked up face.

My god. Will his father just apologize to him already for calling him ugly when he was little? I'm trying to keep down a meal over here.

OK, then. Michael. How about trying this website I found? Barnesandnoble.com. Thanks.

Also thanks to legendary conservative Rush Limbaugh for acknowledging my contribution to the culture.

Rush was pondering what this widely disseminated photo of Hillary Clinton would mean for her chances in the elections.

His conclusion: Not good. The American people don't vote for old and ugly. Interesting theory.

Here's a HOW column from 1/23/07:

Here's why Hillary Clinton will not become president.

She's ugly. Good night! She could promise to repeal the income tax tomorrow and still wouldn't cut it. She's just not attractive. There's no way around it.

Margeret Thatcher was ugly too, but people in England thought she was a male or at the very least, Alistair Cooke, which lent a regal credibility to her. Hillary Jefferson Cunton reminds everyone of the unselected leisure-suited witch in their life, be it recovering alcoholic lesbian spinster aunt or poodle haired real estate agent. She is easily the worst representative of the word female one could credibly put in front of the voting public.  Her penis envy shows on her puffy, weary, Soviet face in every single picture.  When she smiles, it can never mask the companionship of the wide eyes of surprise, the tell-tale sign of an enraged person who must over-emote to hide the smoldering within.

Sure, there are other reasons that invalidate this dumpy, water-logged totalitarian's grab for power.

She's a she. The American public does not want a leader who is prone to emotional outbursts and fits of irrationality.

Her voice.  A public already weary of George Bush's fumbledumble way of speaking will not put up with a shrill woman who says "Ya know" more times than your average NBA center.

But ugly is really all you need to score this one.

That's why I'm thinking my vote in '08 is gonna have to go to this man:

Barack Albino! The clear choice.

Happy birthday to Dr. Mike, who is 45 today. If you're in the Colorado area, and you need a new liver, give him a ring.

SWOOPTY

Here's Al Sharpton urging a congregation not to tip at restaurants.

The FBI swooped in on his swoopy head and raided him for financial documents, yesterday.

This should get interesting. It looks to me from my black helicopter that this may be much ado about nothing. Just maybe a message from the Clintons to keep his folk on their side of the line. The opposing pressure from the Obama camp to not be a traitor to the skin tone must be pretty great, too. Al Sharpton may pop like a ripe fruit.

This is going to be the best 2008 ever!

I'd be surprised if the FB  raid resulted in this sovereign fiefdom with hair being hauled to prison. But it's about time someone in the government at least acknowledged that he's a lowlife.

If he were white, he'd have finished his 20 year sentence 8 days ago.

Just gettin' around to it. Thanks, Sheriff. That Sharpton is hard to find. Very elusive.

He'll be dead soon from heart failure, but thanks for thinking about justice. 'Preciate ya.

HURRY UP AND SCREW! SCREW UP AND HURRY!

Here's a story about a 29-year old grandmother in Quad Cities, IA....the person on the right....uhhh, I think.

Look, I'm all in favor of helping cruel stereotyping disappear from our society, but come on, folks. Help out a little, would ya?  What? You have a lake of semen in the backyard?

Russell Eugene is 1 day old.

His mother is 15.

She fidgets with a bottle of milk as she talks.

Then, sitting up straighter in bed, she asks, “When do you think I can play basketball again? I want to go out for the team at school.”

Oy vey!

New vocabulary word: NEVER. It means, "not ever."

Back at home with her mother and brothers, Celia — wearing pajamas and a do-rag that covers her hair — holds the baby. Her tank top shows off two black tattoos on her arms.

One, which winds down her forearm, reads “Tish,” her mom’s nickname. Another, below her shoulder, reads “Manica Magee,” which is the teen’s rap name.

Leticia told the girl she could get inked if she kept her grades up. They went to Chicago to get it done.

“She earned them,” Leticia said, nodding her head.

It's like watching the Munsters where everything horrific is perfectly normal.

"Oh, Herman. Eddie got a D in math, so I let him dig up the graveyard. Isn't that wonderful?"

"HAWHAWHAW...Lilly, that boy is a chip off the old slab...HAWAHAWHAWHAW."

(house shakes, ceiling tiles and dust fall, never to be replaced)

LET'S SEE NOW...

What are these three slapjacks gonna talk about in Annapolis? The Arabs want to liquidate Israel, and Israel wants to defend itself. There's little else to say except for Bush to step up and for the thousandth time tell the Arabs to cut the shit or get blasted. What more talking needs to be done after 2000 years of discussion? How are the Patriots doing? How crazy it is trying to get Hannah Montana tix? They've got a whole week to fill. What a waste of jet fuel.

OJ Simpson's 2nd Trial of the Century has been scheduled for April 7. Mike Vick's is scheduled for April 2nd. Throw Hitler's birthday on the 20th, and April 2008 is shaping up as an exciting month for you racists out there.

I think it's rather cool of OJ to entertain a new generation with his felonious antics. Most of my brain says I'd like to see him get his due in prison, but a small abcess on my brain keeps insisting it might be cool if OJ either walked or got like seven years so he could get out of jail in time to make more asinine schemes and have a 3rd decade in a row where he's on trial for a major felony. I think our children and our grandchildren deserve an OJ trial, too. It's a thrilling opportunity.

I don't like any of the Republican candidates this year, to be honest. Too early. Although I think Giuliani is the most captivating thus far, he's still kind of an FDS nozzle. His personality is a little too erratic for the presidency. I could see him hanging out in a bar and everything's going great, but 2 beers in, Rudy is a completely changed man from 2 beers out.

So, no, I don't watch any of the foreplay debates. Just bring the main event and someone who can actually beat the most beatable woman on the planet. It may Obama now that Queen Oprah has selected him as her political boy toy this go round. We'll discuss some of Oprah's previous endorsements on the next What's Your Story, #5 becoming available Friday morning on SuperDeluxe.com.

If Oprah is so smart and powerful, why doesn't SHE run for president? Because although she's nice and warm and rich, she's also a sucker with mediocre judgment.

Yeah, I think I'll start a school in Africa for teen girls and get one of the locals over there to run it for me. What could go wrong?

If a Democrat wins the White House, so be it. The country could recover from Barack O Carter, and it would from Hillary Cank. Only in her case, people of my generation would not see the recovery. I'd like to have a few golden years. At least the past year of my life gets me a good jump on everyone else in adjusting to the coming deep recession.

Today's newspaper was actually useful for the first time in months with regard to getting news. They printed pictures of some of the carefully screened YouTube dimwits scheduled to appear on the debate this evening and saved me a lot of time. I would have been pissed to have to sit through a debate waiting to see the YouTube questions, only to hear the least enlightening questions possible.

The YouTube gimmick that these debates employ is laboring under the assumption that because a technological breakthrough is transforming our culture, it follows that it's content will be just as brilliant and groundbreaking. Well, it's not.

99% of YouTube is shit. 99% of YouTube is responses to and parodies of Chris Crocker. 99% of YouTube is instant nostalgia of the embarrassing kind. I've probably contributed 10% of it myself. I'm already burned out on the whole garage/basement look to the videos. To really capture a large audience, in 2008, as in 1968, you've got to have some slick and polish to a production. It's cute at first, the rawness, like your girlfriend's sexy, raspy voice panting in ecstasy when you first bone her in college, but by 40 it's enough to make you want to take lots of pills.

There are some gems out there in YouTube land, but in roughly the same ratio if you did a nationwide cattle call for the next big thing. American Idol. Millions have tried out, and after 6 years, they've only found three real stars. One was voted off in the middle. Innovative platform, though.

So here are some of the YouTube debate questions, and how I would answer them, minus that snowman bullshit, which ballroom dances on my every nerve. The questioners are from: Seattle, Modesto, Ann Arbor, and Austin. All males no older than 30 and all asking questions that may have relevance in a general election, but not in deciding who the new Republican horse will be.

"Are you willing to demand that ... paper ballots are used ... or ... paper printouts are mandatory for electronic ... machines?"

That's a Democrat gripe through and through. Paper ballots cause more error and confusion than electronic. Is Florida 2000 that distant of a memory?

The electronic machines are practically error free, and the only people creating doubt are the fringe kooks who have lost elections and make wild claims against the machines instead of taking the blame for not connecting with the voters in sufficient quantities. I don't see them complaining about swiping their credit card over the internets.

"If nominated, do you have a short list of possible running mates? Would you reach across to the opposition?"

Why would any Republican who doesn't want to lose by more than 50 points ask a Democrat to be his running mate? It's never happened before with either party. Government is a semi-functioning marketplace of competing ideas. Maybe we need more parties but certainly not less. Isn't government enough of a monolith without consolidating power even more? Go away.

"See this sign? The people who own this house are having a problem selling it. [Who's] at fault for the mortgage crisis?"

The idiots with the sign up. That's who.

If you sign up for a loan you can't or won't pay for, you're a part of the problem. There are no predatory lenders. Not one of those mortgages was coerced. There are many desperate, greedy people who will sign anything to have a home they can't afford. What can government do? Make things worse, as they are about to do with another round of anti-predatory lending laws that make people on the margins and some inside, unable to own housing. Then, as sure as Wheel follows Jeopardy, some hustler comes around blasting the same mortgagers for "ignoring the poor." Back and forth until we're Brazil.

"If you didn't get the Republican nomination, who would you want to get it and why?"

This is my favorite. It adds absolutely no clarity to the central question of the debate: "Who SHOULD be President?"

What he's asking is this. "What other candidate do you like? If I like him, too,  I'll vote for you so he can lose."

What a tail-chasing moron.  How does it help you decide on a candidate by asking them what they'll do if they lose?

About ten years ago, a buddy of mine went on a job interview and afterward came to me dazed and confused.

"The guy asked me 5 reasons why he should hire me, and then 5 reasons why he SHOULDN'T hire me."

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing. I left. Reason #1. Because I'm not here. We never got to the rest."

ASKING OF THE JEW

I'm happy to have built a brand where hundreds of frustrated males can come when they have nowhere to turn after the glamour of a big-time holiday has dissolved into reality and the leftovers are just gross. Holiday drinking and impotent anger. Good for business. So let's say goodbye to all the green meats in our mental refrigerators and jump right back into the game of life. You people need me, and I've been lax for the past few days.

From the email bucket, a HOW correspondent, sends his NFL notes along from another frustrating Fantasy Sunday.

I think Eli Manning has a touch of the D.

I'm gonna have to disagree here, Slapnuts. Having a touch of the D is an absolute statement. One either has traits of Down's Syndrome or doesn't. Eli Manning clearly does not. Relative to his lineage, he does seem to have a deficiency, but still, he is a starting NFL QB, an elite fraternity only reached by superior genetic specimens.

Eli Manning's problem is he only has a touch of the M. He's not as Manning as Peyton or Archie.

To me it's remarkable that the Mannings' semen and egg combos yielded two competent NFL QBs. First, the odds of getting a woman pregnant twice without any birth defects these days is a pretty good acheivement what with all the crazy shit they put in food these days and what with the ladies getting their ovaries pierced and vacuumed every 6 months these days.

OK, then the odds that those two random sperm and egg combos would come out as two athletic young men who can reach the top of professional sports is lottery high. Asking them both to win the Super Bowl is...why be so ungrateful to God?

Why do blacks get black tattoos?

It's about time this was discussed rationally. I went to Yahoo Answers, and they are so uptight that they called the question axer a bunch of names without even considering the merits of his curiosity. Doubly irritating is the fact that the thought police at Yahoo! have labeled the question as "resolved" even though no one answered it, and the "Best Answer" was from some sensitive sistah who told the curious chap to take the next flight out. What is she hiding?

I will answer it because I have been told by our great minds on this issue--Sharpton, Clinton, Kanye, Mavis Staples, and Carter--that we need to have an honest dialogue so the races don't kill each other in the next century. I agree. Shouting down people who ask good questions does not lead to understanding, and shunting aside truth is like throwing away effective medicine because it tastes harsh.

First, tattoos are for people who need to scream at others 24 hours a day but still need to get some rest and eat. If I may coin a medical phrase as a layman, I'd call the syndrome Epidermal Tourette's.

Attention deficient black people are at a distinct disadvantage to attention-starved whites in that the pigment of their skin often makes it difficult to read their messages of an unloved childhood.

Logic tells us that either there is no white ink available at the tattoo parlor, which I don't know about due to the fact that I have the sustained ability to formulate clever sentences calmly and quickly in person or on paper, or perhaps, some of our African-American friends find no advantage in using it.

My extremely astute and educated guess is that there must be a cultural conceit amongst many African-Americans that making one's skin lighter in any way could be perceived by others in the community as selling out or turning freaky like Michael Jackson. The bad kind of freaky. The freaky without the deaky.

I also believe that in some cases, low contrast tattoos are desired so that the messages are encrypted to all but their intended recipients. This may be how some NFL players arrange their transactions in the underground economy. One can readily see the utility of an Adam "Pacman" Jones tattooing the name of a reputable kennel on his arm where only Michael Vick can see it up close and in a pile after a safety blitz.

Hope this helps.

More questions answered later, but right now I'm staring at a rudimentary page of What's Your Story script #5 that must be sanded and buffed to a commercial finish. Love ya!

DIVERSE DISCRIMINATION

International Night at my daughter's school. I tell my girls it won't be fun. They don't listen.

First, we get there late and miss the International Foods Bazaar featuring homemade, indigenous treats, and I'm hungry. So hungry I almost ate 2 hour old unregulated Ethiopian food right out of some lady's crockpot.

It looked iffy, so I exercised restraint and went to a vending machine. There was a commotion around the corner. The International Rainbow of Diversity stage show was about to begin.

The show docket has the place buzzing. International dancing by the children and a lecture about the religion of Diversity by Bill Nigut! Who knew America was such a wonderful place? Everywhere around the world. They comin' to America!

Bill was a reporter for Channel 2 locally for a long time, and I've had him on my radio show. He at first strikes you as a nice guy, and there is no doubt in my mind that he is well-intentioned and means no harm. But the reality is that he wears thin after repeated meetings as he reveals himself to be the stereotypically dingy, guilt-ridden, uptight, Jewish liberal amongst whom I grew up, but without a well-developed humor gene.

He came to preach to us how race is not a big deal, but, it's A BIG DEAL!!!!!!

Due to the doctrines of Diversity, the seating is Who Concert style. Whose bright idea was it to make a restless crowd, filled with people from cultures where pushing and shoving are the norm, wait outside locked doors for 20 minutes? Of course, once inside, despite an obvious 2-1 ratio of people to seats, many feel it necessary to save seats for their same-skinded friends so they can sit together and learn about Diversity. We're packed in like political prisoners in a soccer stadium awaiting re-education. The hectoring begins only 25 minutes late, which is on time in the DPT (Diverse People's Time).

"I used to be on TV news for many years," Mr. Nigut, the Troy McClure of political correctness, tells the fidgety audience dressed in their hot, uncomfortable, and stupid looking native attire. "But it wasn't enough. I wanted to make MORE of a difference."

I guess he was frustrated in TV because of all those damn conservatives he worked with in the news room. Must have been hell, Bill.

How do you make more of a difference? Act crazier? I don't see any other way short of running for office. Bill is not running for office. He's running a guilt museum in Atlanta now and giving speeches to gullible school children about their skin color. He might as well molest them for all the good he's doing them.

"Let me tell you,  9/11 changed the world forever," he says.

This 9/11 of which you speak. Tell me more.

According to Bill, 9/11 was bad. But it was bad because it made the world more suspicious of Muslims.

OK. no. yeah. but. wait. like. and. such as. anyway. What about the Trade Center and all that?

"The vast majority......" he begins.

That's all I hear. I'm frying at this obnoxious waste of tax dollars.

The asininity of this idea is so profound that it should be a candidate for the first free speech to be made illegal. How does a guy get so selfish that he will roll his entire country under the bus so he can be viewed as a moral paragon? Then this ass-kissing coward stands there and basks in the applause from all the Islamics in the audience who saved seats to be near each other and talk in another tongue.

But it's NOT ENOUGH! Always seeking to make more of a difference,  Bill then leads this great, blatant, pandering cheer where he mentions every religion and geo-political skin tone he can think of and exhorts each minority group to cheer for itself.

And that's when I took the last hinge off this fragile jerk's door without saying a word.

He continues his apologetic speech. "Ya see, I grew up in an all-white school..."

I clapped a lame little clap. Yay!  My turn to be special.

This makes Bill stop. He turns and points in the general area of where I'm sitting. He's upset at this non-consensual race-cheering.

"Ya know, if that's your thought process, I don't want you in here," he scolds. So much for diversity of opinion...and to hell with humor. Hey, this was fun, Bill.

My wife digs her heel into my foot.

"You're starting a race riot in here." she hisses. And my foot is the brake?

So with everyone--Bill, the audience, me, and my family--all in agreement,  we cut out of the Remains of the International Day and head to our favorite Indian restaurant where they treat us like goddamn royalty.

MAKE ME WET

What is it Thursday? Only took me 3 days to recover from the past weekend in Las Vegas. Not bad for going to bed at 1pm last Saturday. After that refreshing nap/sleep it was off to the Palms Hardwood Suite for a 40th birthday party of a pal which lasted until 3am Sunday morning.

I've been to parties that had a basketball court, and I've been to parties in hotel rooms, but never to a party in a hotel room that had a basketball court inside it off the living room.

The entire hotel room is bigger than my home.

I think I did a pretty good job on attire for such a unique event.

The sporty sweater and tasteful jeans say: "I'm eager to have conversation and cocktails."

The sneakers and t-shirt underneath say: "But I'm ready to drain some 3-pointers if necessary."

What are the statistics on hotel rooms being broken into that have their TVs left on? I take it on faith that doing this deters criminals and degenerates, but I'd like to see the numbers to back it up.

I don't think it works if you leave it on any channel. A criminal is not so stupid to think that a Vegas tourist is going to sit in their hotel room on a Saturday night watching the hotel services channel or CNN when all kinds of funs are going on outside, so I put it on ESPN before I set off--LOUD--because it's more plausible that a degenerate gambler could be in the room catching up on college football.

Las Vegas, being a mecca for terrorists looking for a little fun before blowing up some building in the name of Allah, has some of the scrutiniest airport security in the US. The lines are snakes before they get on the plane.

I was detained at McCarren Airport briefly Sunday because the woman with the lip mole and heavy accent at the security bottle neck was confused that the "Lawrence Wachs" on my driver's license, and the "Larry Wachs" on my boarding pass didn't match up.

ME: Larry is a nickname for Lawrence.

HER: Yes, but they are not the same.

ME: It's like Bobby is short for Robert. BTW, you might notice that the face and the last name all match up.

HER: But one says Larry and the other says Lawrence.

LADY BEHIND ME: It's like Robert and Bob.

HER: Is this your wife?

ME: No. She's an American. Everyone knows this.

HER: I am American, too (but she said it like a vampire would).

...and zzzziiip....out comes the nylon barrier. Now, I've gone and done it.

She went to see her supervisor for some guidance on American nomenclature, came back with her tail between her legs, but no apology, and let me proceed for another 23 minutes of line before I could get out of Vegas.

Again, I must ask. Where's the danger in nicknames?

I must say a trip to the desert really gives perspective on the drought situation here in GA. I saw no one in Las Vegas praying for anything but a gambling victory or avoiding an STD. Water was not discussed at all despite the eternal drought outside.

I do believe in the power of prayer and faith. I don't know exactly the chain of events prayer touches off to yield results, but I have a notion that it's similar to the "monkeys with typewriters" effect. If you put enough minds to work meditating on a single problem, somebody's liable to stumble upon a solution.

But the Governor leading a prayer for water is really asinine. What are we?  Whoville? 

Praying for rain is the wrong prayer, too. I'd pray for grass and flowers that don't need rain or for the skies to open up and drop Purell and good red wine on us on Sundays. Maybe war on on Alabama and Florida. As long as we're throwing a Hail Mary, let's aim for the end zone, you people.

As a voter, I'm concerned when an elected leader uses prayer as a first resort to fixing a practical problem. Why vote? Just install gypsy fortune tellers or Creflo Dollar as governor. His rainmaking is legendary.

I could understand if we were being overrun with zombies. When that day comes, I will stand with the Governor, humble before the Lord. I promise you.

But water is everywhere. It's just trapped under regulation and politics. Is it that hard to make the case that an inedible mollusk in Florida is less important than a nice shower and shvitz for 25 minutes? That's what fighting is for. Prayer, in this case, communicates surrender to the obstacles and a neglect of reason.

Oh, wait! It rained a 10th of an inch last night. Sweet vindication from our Father! This drought will be over in just 7 quick years.

Hey governor! I'm tired of walking upright. How about another prayer?

WHAT'S NOT YOUR STORY #1

Starting today, I think it'll be fun to post the rejected stories from this week's What's Your Story episode. #4 is being shot tomorrow and will be online Friday. Final script was turned in this morning, and so now I present a new feature on the HOW website:

What's Not Your Story--The Outtakes!

What you'd pay extra for if you bought the DVD of this website, is FREE!

And as soon as I can figure out a way to change that, I will. But for now, take advantage.

These were rejected for a variety of reasons. Too dark, too mean, too long, too porny, too unfunny, too old, too libelous, etc. In other words, perfect for the internet. I know SuperDeluxe.com is on the internet, too, but they're on a different level of internet with standards and commerce and hits and all. So now, I take you to that other place on the internet, The Island of Misfit Stories, for our inaugural "What's NOT Your Story" #1

OCTOPUSSY

In India, a 2-year old girl with 4 arms and 4 legs had 2 of each removed last week.

A team of Indian surgeons worked on little Lakshmi around the clock until they had successfully chewed off her extraneous extremities.

Sorry for playing designated driver here during all the celebration, but It seems to me we are playing a dangerous game of god when we cut the limbs off of giant spiders and hope they blend in with human society.

It only sets the spiders up for failure, and where are these surgeons then?  Skipping off to their next case of social engineering not caring about the consequences.

I hope they at least let this little gal keep the pointy scales on her back and her prehensile tail. Maybe then society can start to recoup it's dignity

THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD DATE RAPE

Popular children’s toy Aqua-Dots were pulled from store shelves last week for fear they contain the date rape drug GHB.

According to the Consumer Products Safety Commission, each year 100,000 children are date-raped by toys. Play-date rape is not new.

You'll recall in 1987 when Milton Bradley pulled the game, "Mystery Date Rape" from the shelves, and protest in 1994 brought the same fate to Mattel's Binky Suckin' Barbie and Wham-O's Slip-N-Slide

Experts say the toys use fun and bright colors to entice the children. Sometimes the toys take the children to nice restaurants and pressure them.

Kids, say no to strangers when they offer toys made out of steak and lobster.

THE WAITER’S STRIKE

(Video of wacky Writer's Striker)

No wonder terrorists love Hollywood people. They don't know how to fight back.

Where I come from, if someone is taking money out of your pocket and cocaine off your table, that's a big problem.

It's never solved by people with funny signs and wigs who rap with the inefficiency of a white person.

Meanwhile, the producers are eating a nice filet with peppercorn sauce discussing a new reality show with Mark Burnett while both are in a hot tub at the Palms in Vegas having their backs washed by two young ladies supplementing their income from college cheerleading.

And they are all laughing at you up on the 40” plasma screen.

Someone needs to cook that juicy cut of beef, and clean up the hotel suites for those people. Those someones are you, my writer friends.

How badly do you want your 4 more cents for a DVD? How far will you go to get residuals from the internet that you deserve? Who amongst you will be first to openly dip his penis in a glass of producer ordered iced tea?

Go ahead. Make my day, Rosebud. Can you handle the truth?

Show yourself the money.

SIX FLAGS OVER HILLARY

(video of flags falling behind Hillary Clinton)

Graphic video here of Hillary Clinton’s brush with death.

Watch here as Mrs. Clinton and her diverse lesbian friend, Huma, narrowly escape being crushed by these falling flags.

It would have been the first pole to touch Hillary since college.

“Who tried to kill my sister?”

Over on Capitol Hill,  a furious wicked witch of the West, house speaker Nancy Pelosi,  immediately launched an investigation into the owner of the flags.

Mrs. Pelosi is right. This was no accident. Someone is trying to bury Mrs. Clinton with the American flag. Fortunately for her, and the nation, Mrs. Clinton will not allow the American flag to interfere with her quest for the US Presidency.

PRESIDENT PERV

Pakistan is being overcome with Al-Qaeda and Taliban again, and Paki president Perv (The Uncle) Musharraf has suspended their constitution...like they had one.

I'm all for democracy in the middle east, but we're skipping a crucial step, and that's why this thing is dragging on.

In order to have democracy, you have to have sanity and humility. The Muslims are the pit bulls of people. Yes, some of them can be quite loving and gentle. But...

It's all about them and their 72 virgins.

Well, who doesn't want 72 virgins? So selfish.

And if you stopped wrapping up your women like mummies and beating them with sticks, you'd probably get some action in this life!

What we must do is convert them to a better religion such as Judaism. They still don't have to eat pork, but they'll learn to behave.

Round 'em up, give 'em a choice. We cut your head or your foreskin. Your move, Mohammed!

MYSELF, HELLO?

Is there anything funnier than 2 old rich jews bitching at each other?

(Seinfeld clip)

"Don't you know who I am?"

The sad answer Seinfeld, is no. Larry King has no idea who you are. He's 172 years old and he doesn't care about anything but his prostate.

He's also a praying mantis. A very smart praying mantis.

And his audience is just as old as he is and confuses you with that handsome young man on the Wonder Years.

So Larry is just setting the scene for the old folks who watch while getting diapered for the evening.

Eat some cereal, Seinfeld, and calm down.

WILL WORK FOR MONEY

An associate of mine called me from his car as he was driving around Los Angeles. I could hear shouting in the background.

"What's that noise?"

"I'm stopped at a light and the writers are protesting."

"Are they protesting you?"

"I'm not sure."

"What are they shouting?"

"4 Cents on a DVD? Are you kidding me?"

All those Hollywood writers, and that's the best they could do?  Wow. Might want to first do a table read next time before hitting the streets, fellas.

If 4 cents per DVD in residuals sucks, then what's good? 5 cents? 50 cents? How many writers are worth even the 4 cents?

Now before this strike gets out of hand and all but guarantees that our favorite TV shows will be gone for awhile, and that every movie next summer will be about exploding robots, I would like all Hollywood and TV people reading this to know something.

It would really be unfair to Americans who depend on Jimmy Kimmel and 30 Rock for sustenance to go without them.

I just want you to know that on "What's Your Story?" I write the whole show. I know it's not long, but bear in mind that I also direct it, I find all the video, I do all the editing, and the swirly computer graphics.

I recorded the theme music in my basement with a full orchestra, which is my hobby.

I bring in the lights and camera from home that I paid for out of my own money.

I'm the real deal, and I'd love to be your scab. If those other guys don't want the job, for whatever reason. I'm happy to take it. 

I even bought my own work clothes.

Email me for my digits.

DOTDOTDOTDOTTERINGOLDFOOL

How about that Larry King? Claims he was swindled out of 15 mil in an insurance scam. I'm willing to bet it happened during his show, too. Go through the tapes and see if a caller ever pitched him on life insurance. You'll see.

How can you ever believe any of Larry King's interviews anymore? He's obviously gullible. He has such a tangible lack of judgment. What kind of trustworthy person with a passion for "what makes people tick" loses 15 MILLION DOLLARS? Good luck to him trying to get another taste of his 40-year old poonie from here on out.

There's no telling what kind of monkey business with the truth his guests are going to pull now. Next thing you know, Jeanine Garofalo will convince him that she's the new president of  Burma. For the love of Ariel Sharon! He's gonna have to have at least 4 guests now for every show about a controversial topic to make sure the truth is covered somewhere. Oh, wait!

What was long suspected has now been confirmed. Larry King IS a highly developed praying mantis...from Brooklyn.

In honor of Larry's style, this Larry is going to do that Larry's type of random thoughts dotdotdot blog entry, and also I must  finish up and hand in this week's What's Your Story scripts, so little time to waste. Man, I love when bloggers publish excuses for why they're not handing out more of their work for FREE to you slobs. Don't you?

DOTDOTDOTDIRT

Why is a brown lawn considered being green? Why are people who are in favor of being green AGAINST greenhouse gasses? It's right there --g-r-e-e-n- house. Mighty, Mighty.

DOTDOTDOTONTHELOT

I got a call today for another extra part in a Tyler Perry production. This time, I'm up for the part of "FBI MAN." That's all I know. My guess is that I'm not a good guy.

I'm 2 for 2 now with the Tyler Perry people. They love me. Maybe I'll get a few lines soon. Maybe the "FBI MAN" will have to bodily restrain Nia Peeples or Pebbles or some hottentot hottie of that level. Yum!

The other TP production I was in was "Why Did I Get Married?" now showing in hotel rooms across America. Go see it. I'm not. My wife suggested we pay good money to go to the theater to catch the back of my jacket scooting along behind the actors in a scene that may not even have made it, because it didn't sound that funny when they were doing it. No, I'm going to steal the DVD from Blockbuster like I always do when I feel I'm entitled to do so.

DOTDOTDOTHEAD

Pakistan is being overcome with Al-Qaeda and Taliban vermin again, and has suspended their constitution...like they really had one. It bears repeating that the only way to bring the democratic process to their shores is to force them into a new religion. I'm a little biased, but I say the best thing is to convert them all to Judaism. It's a halfway house to the Christianity they need but is too strong a dose of sanity and humility for them right now. They can still avoid pork products if they wish, and have big noses, while they practice calm and try to wriggle free from the steel grip of the 10th century.

Round 'em all up and give 'em a choice. We cut off your head or your foreskin. Yee ha!

PLANT A CHILD

The sign outside Jackson Elementary School in Gwinnett says "Congratulations to Teacher of the Year, Nozomi Wade."

I could not in good conscience let my kid have a teacher named Nozomi. What is that? It's a nefarious distortion of Naomi by the fo' shizzle crowd, is what it is. Just rename it Dogg Elementary, so people know what they're getting themselves and their kids into. Jezeebus!

She likely got the award by being the best witch in the coven, teaching her charges to mindlessly recycle, maintain a brown lawn, share everything with strangers, and rat out their parents for non-compliance with Marxist initiatives.

I suppose that with Democrats already buying their dresses for Queen Cli'ton's inauguration in 2009, we'll be hearing a lot more about children in the coming year and how they really crave socialized medicine, and higher taxes, and mass transit. Grandchildren love these things too, of course.

Oh, here come some lovely children to my door now, trick-or-treating for carbon offsets this Halloween.

So precious. Innocent, yet socially conscious. Yes. I will help them so they can grow into....

ADULTS!

UM.....NOW WHAT?

Genarlow Wilson is free...to do what now?  What exactly are we celebrating?

He was convicted and sentenced to 10 years in prison for having oral sex with a 15 year-old. He was a minor, too, so according to the prevailing winds, that makes it OK.  Served three years before the bleeding hearts and his attorney named BJ got him out.

Do you think he'll be getting anymore blow jobs from anyone under 18 from now on? It's hard to say. The only real lesson he's seemed to draw from this is that a justice system that seeks to protect naive minors from sexual predation is one to be ridiculed.

What message are the 15 year old girls getting from this outcome? Reporters aren't asking. They are too busy celebrating this great victory over morality.

The news media has framed this case as that of a young black man unfairly hassled by a backward Christian view of morality imposed on all of us forward thinkers, by a troglodyte state that is embarrassing to live in because it's not enlightened like NY and California, places where the cost of living is low, the air is clean, and everyone gets along.

From the AJC:

Wilson, who served nearly three years of a 10-year sentence, may be the most extreme example of a teenager entrapped by the state's regressive sex laws.

As opposed to the progressive sex laws that they have in North Utopia where anyone with pubic hair can partake of sex without any consequence. I've gotta update my Garmin because I can't find it on these maps.

Is it of the Dark Ages to create obstacles for males to get blow jobs from 15 year old girls? 

But Wilson is not the only young offender caught in a maze of draconian sex laws. Many young people are trapped on the state sex offender registry for nonviolent and consensual sex acts as teens.

Kind of a shot in the dark, but wasn't the sex offender registry voted into federal law by almost unanimous margins in both houses of Congress and signed by the President in 1996? Wasn't there ample time to put in a provision to excuse minor horny teens such as Genarlow? We had a president who could empathize.

According to your liberal reporter, our sex laws are not just regressive, but  "draconian," too. Let's make a sentence out of that view but substitute regressive and draconian with their synonyms. Repeat after me.

It is backward and excessive to punish minors for having sex with 15 year olds.

What do you think? Put your politics to the side. I don't care what party you belong to. It's not relevant.

Do you feel comfortable about having your 15 year old give blow jobs? What progress is going to come of that? That's how you got your high-paying job, right?

I've seen the cool and non-confrontational parents hand out the birth control devices. The results have been uniformly awful.

It's just basic. It doesn't take a degree. You could be getting lucky behind the school in lieu of attending class and still understand this. The more a behavior is subsidized, the more of it there will be. In practical terms, giving a birth control device to a minor is also giving them permission to do it more. Go to Vegas and see what your odds of losing are the more you play.

Contrary to pop belief, adulthood is not conferred on minors by encouraging risky behaviors as physical maturity approaches. Adulthood is achieved by learning the art of restraint and self-control. Picking your moments and knowing there will be plenty of chances to shine.

I'm going to side with Draco on this one.

SLEEPLESS IN AMERICA

House of Wachs campaign correspondent Pete Davis emailed us exclusive video of Fred Thompson's wife's ass.

Pete files this report:

Had insomnia today so I ambled over to the Fred Thompson visit in Kennesaw this morning. Was planning to use my phone to video the event, but when I got home, all that was on it was pics of his hotass 18 year old wife in a form-hugging dress. You could hear him talking but all you could see was her, and at one point when I zoomed in the dj started playing some porn-type music on the speakers.

She was the highlight of the day.

Good work, Pete. Now go get some well-deserved shut-eye, buddy.

I wasn't aware of Fred Thompson's wife until this video, and she sure does look attractive.

The sexiness of a potential First Lady is a very important consideration to many voters because, as you know, every year at Christmas, the President traditionally makes a list of the people whom he will pardon and the people who will get to tag the First Lady for an hour.

Also, the First Lady of the US is the closest we'll ever get to having a real queen in this country, which is vital to keeping us competitive with England.

Personally, I've been leaning Giuliani. But now? I don't know. It's a toss-up. Hey, baby. You and Fred want to meet some "swing" voters?

Don't forget, if you have important news videos like this, send them to: WHATSYOURSTORY@SUPERDELUXE.COM

CRY ME A RIVER

Drought, my eye! Yer all wet!

Let's get one thing straight. There is no shortage of water. It's everywhere. I took pictures.

There's some:

And here:

And right behind Frankenstein and his underage girlfriend:

Like oil, this is a politically arranged drought we're having in these parts, and the solution is a drought of government intervention or a wave of military force...in case it doesn't do something crazy like rain.

First off, with regards to the current watering bans: I have found both legal and sordid ways around them and continue to water my law freely. If you get a waiver from your lawn guy that says you've just put down new sod or such, they let you water it. One Jackson later, you've got your letter of waiver and let the wetlands resume. I've also rescued one of Vick's dogs and trained it to eat Fulton County Water officials on sight, so something good came out of that other Fulton County debacle.

Where you see a brown lawn, I see a white flag. It's the sign of capitulation, not of good citizenship, as has been characterized by numerous articles and letters to the editor from the "common gooders" chorus. And short of a hard shut-off from the water company, my showers will end when I have finished examining myself for cancers of the intimate places. Hell, it takes probably 4 gallons alone just to get the hot water and soap going. And just see what happens to your facilities, water czars, when you shut off thousands of angry people by government edict. I have been known to hurt people if I don't get my coffee and a shower.

A brown lawn is the sign of failure. You've paid hundreds of thousands for a home and a small patch of land so you can grow a few tomatoes, your dog can take a shit, and your kids can throw up when they come home from the prom. The American Dream. And after all that work and investment into the biggest asset most of you will ever own, you can't sprinkle a few gallons of water on it everyday? Why? So a mollusk in Florida can stay alive? Is this mollusk delicious in garlic and butter? Then either build a theme park around it and charge admission, or get rid of 'em!

Now Governor, and Top Aquatic Supervisor for the State of GA, Sonny, warns that we will run out of water in January. I doubt that highly. It's going to rain eventually. We don't live in a desert. Last I checked, a case of bottled water cost a third less per gallon than it's gasoline equivalent. The tap water you get is priced at a few pennies a gallon. There is no shortage of water. The shortage is in the bottlenecked delivery system monopolized by the state. Can someone at least entertain me with a stab at a practical reason why we can choose our gas, cell phone, TV, food, and internet providers now, but not our water or electricity providers?

Gee, which of the above staples of everyday life has routine outages and shortages? Food? Not even in a snow storm. TV? Have you seen your waistline lately?

Logically, the shortage is man-made, and voila! It is. The federal government mandates that we share the Chattahoochee and other resources in Georgia with Alabama and Florida, and they're just hooting and hollering down there, watering whenever they please, while we sit indoors watching expensive lawn care go up in smoke, so gullible in our belief that these are such unique and tough meteorological times that we must...(bite my lip and sniffle)....sacrifice for the greater good (i.e. Florida and their rare mollusk collection).

Well, to put it politely, FUCK THAT. Now this is a civil war I can get behind.

We have it. If they don't, they should find their own damn rivers and lakes. I know they have them because I've been to them. It rains there, too. And they've got way more ocean access than we do, so start de-salinating, Sal. What's the problem?

I'll tell you confederates what. If you really want to have a genuine Georgia vs. Florida fight where you can beat the hell out of one another, put down that pussy college football, and I'll join you. And so you won't miss a minute of the fun and excitement of a real Georgia-Florida tiff, I'll supply the cocktails during the war. The NWC, the New Water Confederacy, will make military history by being the first warring unit ever to have a full bar.

You gotta fight for your right to DRINK!!!

BEDWARDS

The rumors are swirling here at Hate Central that Democrat presidential candidate John Edwards may have had sex with a lady who is not his lovely and cancer-stricken lovely wife, Elizabeth.

On one hand he is a cute, well-groomed man who cares deeply for people and his wife and has a down home southern drawl, just like many automobile salesman and golf pros. It's not a stretch to say he would be attractive to many perky young women.

But on the other hand Ann Coulter once called him a faggot.

....and he responded vigorously...

....and Lord knows there is nothing queer at all about vigorously calling someone a "she-devil" behind their back.

Then his lovely cancer-stricken lovely wife called Ann up to give her heck....

....which is how most heterosexuals would allow it to be handled.

So do I think he had an affair? Yes. But there is a good chance he had the affair with a man.

Anyway, it won't hurt his chances. Newt did the same thing, and it worked out great for him.

BORN TO RUN AWAY

A Minnesota woman, Jammin' Jammie Thomas, was caught in the illegal download tuna nets and ordered to pay the recording industry $222,000 for 24 songs. They were that good and rare. Now the internets are safe for the rest of us. Come on, you stupid cow. Is it still 1999 in Minnesota? Jesus.

Here's the problem. The recording industry is run by people, mostly Jewish, who care a lot about money and not as much about recorded music. Don't get me wrong. Jews not only love, but are uniquely gifted in the art of recorded entertainment. Neil Diamond. End of story. Jews simply like money more than music. Which is OK. Yay, money! Yay, Jews!

The problem for these record label people is now no one needs them, so they must resort to desperate measures such as suing people who don't want to do business with them, which makes all Jews look like petty thieves. So, on behalf of all Jews who are rightfully embarrassed by the stereotypical behavior of the record companies, I dedicate this to you.

Why don't you start your own live tour company or something? The recordings are all going to be free very soon because Radiohead and others have just smashed the pricing structure with their hippy-dippy honor system. You can't beat free. No, I won't be spending anything for the new Radiohead album. Why  should I? I don't know if the songs are any good yet. I don't even know who Radiohead is. But it's free.

I also hope that more artists will start acting a little more humble now that technology has forced them to actually do physical labor for a living by touring. Like that overbearing longshoreman bore, Bruce Springsteen. He was spouting off on 60 Minutes and the Today Show again about his stale political views and how it's patriotic to be against everything that America does. He makes Bono look like Rihanna.

BILL A RIGHTS, HOLLA!

"This is a song called 'Living In The Future,' but it's really about what's happening now, right now. It's kind of about how the things that we love about America: the cheeseburgers, french fries, the Yankees batting in Boston.....But over the past six years we've had to add to the American picture: rendition, illegal wiretapping, voter suppression, no habeas corpus, the neglect of our great city New Orleans and the people, an attack on the Constitution ....."

Yeah, that's why America has been such a beacon to the world for hundreds of years. The burgers and the fries. Bush has really kept us from enjoying them what with his illegal wiretaps and voter suppression. Who can eat American food in such an atmosphere? I'm turning orange from all the carrots I'm eating while wondering if my phone is tapped.

Hey, Fonzie, get an update already!  I guess Bruce's busy schedule working construction and attending meetings at the union hall keeps him from getting a fuller picture of the news.

What happened to rock stars who like to have fun and break things? Bruce is all, "We should give more money to the government and, marry homely girls, and mope around because some black guy didn't get a high-paying job and went to war."

Piss off. I'm going to download and listen to Hinder beat up a chick.

PETER AND PAUL AGREE ON NEW 50-YEAR DEAL

John Edwards spending political capital on kids who can't vote:

"I don't think there is a silver bullet for this....We start with the president of the United States saying to America, ‘we cannot build enough prisons to solve this problem. And the idea that we can keep incarcerating and keep incarcerating — pretty soon we’re not going to have a young African-American male population in America. They’re all going to be in prison or dead. One of the two.”

When John Edwards is president, African-American males can rest assured that their crimes will no longer be met with prison sentences. They'll be detained long enough to fill out the right forms and then be sentenced to a good school in the suburbs. What a relief. I'm tired of losing our African-American male population like it's some Amazon rainforest. We're only going to fall further behind in finance, technology, and energy if this keeps up.

John Edwards will end the policy of building so many attractive prisons. It only makes African-American males want to go there. They're so tantalizing with their free meals and free weekly showers. You'd be crazy not to get arrested. Clearly, this madness must end.

If I were president, I would stop the building of liquor stores and lottery machines, too, but I think Edwards is off to a good start.

No, there is no silver bullet for this situation, only hollow points, but we can't use them because they may seriously hurt an African-American male while he is exercising his right to evade arresting police officers who sit around all day looking for reasons to put him away while ignoring rampant white crime.

John Edwards seems to be the only person with enough guts to make the establishment solve our national problem of putting too many criminals in jail.

Hold the phone. As Diabetes 3 follows the release of Halo 3, here comes Hillary with another idea that you're really gonna love.

Clinton proposes $5000 for every baby born in the US

This sounds like a great idea, the No Child Left Behind in a Condom Act, and since the money trees have been genetically modified to grow bigger denominations, it's very affordable. Think of the benefits.

More underclass babies.

More illegals.

More government workers.

More crime.

Let's not be stingy. Give them $20,000 each. Let the bastard children, the illegals, the government workers, and criminals run the country for awhile.

I say all these illegitimate underclass babies that will be born in the No Child Left Behind on a Hotel Towel Act should have their mama be able to invest the funds where ever she and her broker see fit. After all, we let people who actually work for a living invest their Social Security in a private account of their own choosing. Right?

It's gonna be tough choosing which Democrat will be president next year.

SWASTIKAS IN THE NEWS

Last week's secret ingredient here on Iron Bloggers was, "TASERS!"

This week...Reveal please, President Ahmedinejad...."SWAS-TEE-KAAA."

Fashion chain Zara withdraws swastika handbag

Spanish fashion chain Zara has withdrawn a handbag from its stores after a customer in Britain complained swastikas were embroidered on it.

Zara, owned by the world's second largest fashion retailer Inditex, said it did not know the 39 pound ($78) handbag had green swastikas on its corners.

The bags were made by a supplier in India and inspired by commonly used Hindu symbols, which include the swastika. The original design approved by Zara did not have swastikas on it, Inditex said.

"After the return of one bag we decided to withdraw the whole range," said a spokesman for Inditex, which has more than 3,330 stores in 66 countries.

Oh, we didn't know what they were sewing on our bags. Oh, we didn't know swastikas would upset people. Oh, we're so embarrassed. Oh, now we'll have to sell all these infamous bags on Ebay for 4 times the price.

Everyone relax, will ya? They're not racists. They're just marketers. They're harmless. Just like the guys who sell Che Guevara shirts. Your outrage fattens their profits.

That's the difference between marketing and racism. The marketer puts a swastika on a bag. The racist's handbag is made of real Jewskin.

Police Find Swastika Cut Into Acres Of N.J. Cornfield

I didn't see the newscast of this particular story, but I'd bet a lot of cash that the promos for it say, "Is your corn racist?" at least once.

Not to diminish or trivialize this outrageous act. Obviously, thousands of flying Jews will be upset by it. And maybe the corn just grew that way, and it is racist, and should be burned. I'm glad to live in a society that makes laws against swastikas in corn.

I think it could be a rudimentary maze. After all, the Indians once had a name for corn. They called it "maze." And they harbor such hatred for the Jews who made them villians in all their media presentations. Really makes you wonder....

"IT'S A BOID, I'M TELLING YOU."

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH GIVING THEM 60 LASHES AND HANGING THEM IF WE FIND THEM

In the strongest showing yet of American collegiate intellectual superiority, Iranian President Borat Ahmadinejad read excerpts from the Daily Kos and the DNC website to the busy and useful minds at Columbia University Monday. I thought the speech was terrific although it would have been nice if someone sliced his head open while he was on stage.

Here he is claiming that Iran has no homosexuals. 

Laughter. Maybe it's more effective than weapons, don't you agree?

Ahmadinejad went on to tell the adoring crowd that they didn't have any Jews, shvartzes, retards or gypsies in Iran either, so it's not a problem. Women are revered. In fact, his sister is the #4 prostitute in all of Iran. Stop worrying so much! The important thing is that America is evil and so is Bush, and when I'm your president, everything will be better.

OK, dilemma. You're an Ivy League student and kind of a pussy liberal. You hate Bush. Ahmadinejad hates Bush, too. But Ahmadinejad hates homosexuals. You like homosexuals. Heck, you might even be one yourself. What do you do?

It's a tough one. Let me help you.

You see, I'm Jewish and recently, I was confronted with an offer for free pork salami by a nutty, crazy friend. What a choice!

On one hand, it's free. I like that.

But, it's also a pork product. Pork products can be dangerous and therefore are not an approved food for Jews.

Don't taze me, bro, but I chose to eat the pork salami. Why? It was free. And getting something for nothing makes me feel good about myself and my heritage.

So it comes down what you like more. Homosexuals or your own sense of intellectual superiority over the ordinary Americans that voted for Bush. You may lose the respect of homosexuals, but there's plenty of them. Where are they gonna go? Iran? They don't have ANY! Remember? Who would they hook up with over there?

I think the choice is clear. Defeat Bush. Swallow Ahmadinejad's salami.

TALK TO THE FIST

NEW YORK (AP) - Columbia University said it does not plan to call off a speech by Iran's president despite pressure from critics including the City Council speaker, who said the Ivy League school was providing a forum for "hate-mongering vitriol."

Such brave people these professors and these critics.  By the way, a recent poll I took shows that most people want him AhmadineDEAD the minute he steps on our turf. Where are those people in our leadership positions?  They're debating his right to debate with a bunch of know nothing college-age trust fundies, when we should be talking about who's gonna put plutonium in his food.

How did it get to the point where it's taboo to even hope that someone kills a sworn enemy of this country when he comes here just to mock us? Isn't that what war is all about?

Damn, have we gone soft. 60 years of multi-cultural, pacifist brainwashing has had a remarkable effect. During WW2, do you think we would have had feasts and activities planned for Hirohito? Would he have stayed at 5-star hotels? Hell, no. Look what happened to plain old Japanese people who were in this country just minding their own business. We put them in cages. That seems bad now, but that's only because we have 20/20 hindsight and own a Prius.

At the time it was a superb idea, because it showed that Americans were vigilant the way one must be to remain free, and they weren't going to take any chances in a war. Americans weren't yet suckers who questioned and deferred their own judgement to self-appointed authorities and victimologists.

Even Georgia's own Senator Richard Russell, whose stature has been reduced to having his name put on buildings where Brian Nichols can run amuck, once called for the arrest and execution of Hirohito in Japan. It didn't happen, but at least he wasn't branded as an anti-1st Amendment kook by media editors.

Well, here we are in the age of Progress, and we not only invite one of our top enemies of state to our living room, but we are ambivalent as to whether he should be allowed to do an end zone dance at the site of the biggest act of war by a foreign body on our soil. The harshest thing we can think to do about it is protest Columbia University for "providing a forum for hate-mongering vitriol," as if that's all this was about. Oh, yeah, he's mean to homosexuals over there, too. Outrageous!

Then Dean Worm at Columbia U. postures that it strengthens America to afford a mythical constitutional right to a person who is not a citizen and wants to kill us all to boot.

That's the neat thing about Hitler. He was always up for a lively debate with Columbia journalism school students, who have, historically, been some of the toughest, most conservative critics of anti-Americanism the country has ever known. Worst case: We could have wrapped up World War 2 by Hitler's natural death in 1978 at the latest and saved untold numbers of American lives. If only that debate had happened. Set your tasers to stun, Columbia campus police. I have a feeling these kids are gonna go nuts on this Ahmadinejad.

It begs the question: Did Columbia actually invite Hitler to speak when they had the chance? Well, no. Not exactly. Just his ambassador. The Columbia Lions should paint Bert Lahr on the sides of their football helmets.

Columbia faculty, which is a polite term for "cowards," have made it clear. We shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any foe and oppose any friend in order to talk and talk and talk and talk in a theoretical vacuum and avoid the real world.

Where are all the chicken shit moderates who have been bleating about running the anti-terrorism battle as if it were a criminal matter best left up to local law enforcement and not the military? Isn't this the dream scenario? A proven enemy of state comes to our country. So arrest him. Or go make cookies and shut up.

Come on, citizens. We have strength in numbers against our sworn enemies and all we can do is commiserate silently with each other through some miserable shock bloggers website? It took us 12 years to finally nail OJ. Can we afford to wait that long for the Iranian president to mess up? I do not think so.

It makes me sick. It makes everyone sick.

Even Swedish game show hosts on Tic-Tac-Krona.

ON THE CAMPAIGN SNAIL TRAIL

I'm here in Iowa reporting on Campaign '08, and the atmosphere is like the Super Bowl except with much fewer people and way less excitement and food. I'm busy tracking down Hillary Clinton supporter and former Governor of this solidly American state of Iowa, Tom Vilsack.

He's in New York? Goddamit! All the way out here....and I forgot to Tivo "Kid Nation."

Here's Tom criticizing Rudy Giuliani for getting married too much.

Go get 'em Tom!

Stupid Rudy and all his marriages. Why not just get blow jobs? You don't have to marry all them bitches, ya know. You can get sex while you work. Probably get more done. Negotiate with terrorists while the Little Ayatollah gets worshipped? Pretty effective. Notice 9/11 didn't happen on Bill's watch. Heh-heh.

Rape 'em. Give 'em an ice pack. But for God's sake, don't get married to them. That may fly in Manhattan, but not in mainstream America, where corn is grown. No, sir!

ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER

Student Tazered at John Kerry Speech

GAINESVILLE - U.S. Sen. John Kerry's speech at the University of Florida came to a dramatic close Monday, shortly after a vocal audience member was hauled off by police and shot with a Tazer gun.

The audience member was preliminarily identified by UF officials as Andrew Meyer, a UF student in the College of Journalism and Communications.

Peteetong Pictures presents "How to Get Tazered."

As I've told many idealistic young people before, here's the downside of being a fierce anti-war advocate. When you're getting beat up, your friends won't lift a finger to help you. They'll stand around and photograph you getting tazered so they can get in the TV spotlight. Not even Kerry wanted the cops to let up.

Always remember, my 14th grade statesmen, that your fellow travelers are people who don't even want to fight the maniacs who blew up the Twin Towers and have vowed to repeat the carnage on our soil. What makes you think they're gonna fight the lesbian, black, and Hispanic campus cops for your right to heckle John Kerry? The odds are steep.

This is not a Coors Light ad where you get to ask a hapless football coach a bunch of gotcha questions about cold-filtered brewing. Still, you'll notice even Bigfoot is allowed into those because he knows how to behave properly.

THE NEWS HARVEST

Unlike some imitation news jogs out there which pile 50-100 news stories on the unsuspecting reader everyday, the True Original News Jog here at the House of Wachs dot commer, understands that only 2-3 news stories per week are worth paying any attention to. The rest is bullshit and a waste of time.

Some weeks there are no such stories, but this week brings such a harvest that we've had 6 in two days! Roll out the barrel and catch them while you can. In fact, from now on the True Original News Jog title will be retired due to the fact that so many inferior competitors have cheapened the name News Jog.

And now, just in time for Rosh Hashanna and the new fall season, we are pleased to usher in The News Harvest!

Belichick draws $500,000 fine, but avoids suspension

So goes the headline which makes it seem like he got a break, when in reality, Belichick got screwed. If I were Eric Mangina, I'd buy Kevlar before entering Massachusetts. There's your low life right there. Half a million dollars for doing something that every team in the NFL and MLB does as routinely as lining the field. That's like a rapper suing another rapper for calling him the dreaded n-word. Can't compete in real life? Just introduce political correctness into the equation.

I like how Belichick sacked up and took it in stride without apology or commentary. That's a warrior, not a politician.

Stealing another team's signals during a game is not close to cheating. It's expected. Everybody does it. Does that make it right? Yes. It does. It's not cheating if everyone does it.

"Oh, but what if everybody decided to rob banks. Would that make it right? Huh?"

Yes. It would. That would indicate that the societal norm has shifted, making it cool to rob banks. But currently, you'll note only a tiny fraction of the population robs banks. Why? Because it's still wrong. There's no way around it.

The hell with the Falcons. They'll never get this concept. Blank is a politician, not a winner. I'm officially adopting the Pats as my favorite team. If there are any forms I need to fill out let me know, but the great thing about rooting for a team is that you can start whenever you like, so it's official to me. Maybe I'll call the Patriots later to let them know as a courtesy. I'm sure they would love to hear the support from a neutral state in the war between the Yanks.

The only real qualification you need is to declare before the 3rd game of the season. After that is bandwagon jumping.

Robot Maker Builds Artificial Boy

David Hanson has two little Zenos to care for these days. There's his 18-month-old son Zeno, who prattles and smiles as he bounds through his father's cramped office. Then there's the robotic Zeno. It can't speak or walk yet, but has blinking eyes that can track people and a face that captivates with a range of expressions.

At 17 inches tall and 6 pounds, the artificial Zeno is the culmination of five years of work by Hanson and a small group of engineers, designers and programmers at his company, Hanson Robotics. They believe there's an emerging business in the design and sale of lifelike robotic companions, or social robots.

I'm sorry. Did any of you call me? I couldn't hear the phone because the Creepy Alarm is going off in my head.

Shouldn't we be investigating instead of praising the loser who spends his time making mechanical young boys? It's offensive. Besides, the market clearly points to an insatiable demand for mechanical females. Everybody I know wants one.

Rosie O’Donnell: Shocking Revelations in New Book

Rosie O’Donnell used to break her own limbs with either a baseball bat or a wooden hanger when she was a child. This revelation, as well as many about her experiences on "The View" last year, is contained in a new book she’s written due shortly called “Celebrity Detox.”

What a shocker. Nasty fulminating dyke who flogs herself for attention as an adult did same during childhood. Hey Rosie! Bush sucks, but do you think he broke his own bones when he was a kid? I don't see it.

Let me put that headline in better perspective. Ideally, I'd have it read:

Rosie O’Donnell used to break her own limbs with either a baseball bat or a wooden hanger when she was a child, helping her become one of the foremosts experts on American foreign policy and stem cell research.

Rosie forgot to mention the ugly stick, and I think the hanger was used too late in her development to do society any good. Other than that, I hear she's a wonderful husband.

IN THE PATOIS OF THE FATWA

I just got done eating some delicious raisin toast. I had a hankering for it since tennis practice. It really hits the spot when I'm a little down. Tender sweet raisins, nestled into a golden gluten web of egg bread. Oh, my!

The time is ripe for a change in the way we do things around here at the big ole HOW. I don't believe it is fair to me as a US citizen that our media continues to tolerate, with a "muslim clerics will be muslim clerics" attitude, our enemies constantly issuing death orders against  people they don't agree with, but we're not allowed to do it to them or anyone else. Well, dammit, a hearty "fuck off" is not enough, anymore.  From now on, when I see someone do something that's irritating and wrong, or either, I will issue a public death threat to them. Yeah, it's symbolic, but don't get too comfortable.

I don't think I dig the new NFL Monday Night format so much. I like the fact that it's a double header, but it draws out those ill-suited sportsradio hosts who, generally, for some reason, think you must talk MORE and LOUDER despite the constant stream of HI-DEF pictures to aid their descriptions. It's a far cry from the days of Cosell, and for that I'm sending a death threat to ABC for debasing Monday Night Football.

I like the Niner's new unis. They are actually old ones from the 70s that they brought back. Good move. The lads actually look like football players as opposed to the futuristic space monkeys built from corn and petroleum derivatives that most teams look like.

Yep, the Niners really have it together sartorially this year. Those homos out there really know their style, you gotta give 'em that. I can only wonder how great the team would look if the NFL didn't ban Loverboy-style headwear.

Meanwhile, a death threat to Roger Goodell who cuts off one head of the multi-headed thug hydra but won't touch the others. A cursory glance of  Sunday's opening NFL play reveals that the number of of dreadlocks poking out of helmets and exotic Oriental arm tattoos have exploded throughout the league. If I were commissioner, and I was serious about the league's image, mandatory tattoo removal and shaved heads for all players. Don't like it? That's why they invented Canada, the 30% less America America.

1-1 this week in Fantasy Football so I'm sending a death threat out to Donovan McNabb for not being able to hit his two primaries, Reg Brown and Kev Curtis, and yielding me with paltry productivity in the WR column. I try to forget with booze and pills, but it's no use. That, and Marc Bulger forgetting how to throw doomed the Fulton Jews to an 0-1 start in my alleged money league. That's OK, Eli's hurt and I've got a top QB for the poor sap who picked him if he's willing to pay the price. Come to papa.

I'm sending a big death threat, of course, out to Arthur Blank, the architect of the return to glory for the Smith Family who previously owned the team. "Bring back Bartkowski and Hebert!" the people are shouting. People sigh when they reminisce about that charming rascal Rankin.

"Why, that Smith boy took a shine to my sister, Hattie, back in the summer of '28 during the Milton County Fair. I'll never quite forget how she was taken with the idea of having him as a beau."

The blunders are just astonishing in their frequency from the red and black. I thought Rich McKay was a personnel genius. What's going on? The Falcons don't seem to have any particular strength or excitement. Forget about Vick. They have deep problems all over the field. What a mess. Even with him at QB, it's 3-13 this year. With him out, I'm liking their chance for the top draft pick in April.

Also, a death threat to any football announcer who uses the new cliche "in space." This is the football lingo of 2007 to make the speaker sound more like a bonafide NFL insider. "He did a good job of containing the runner in space," I heard several times. This is vanity speak for someone who makes a good defensive move in the open field.

Just an hour after I made the last post, savaging Britney Spears' figure, comes this scolding article from the AP, who are clearly frustrated that their editor doesn't let them write fun stuff like we bloggers do without a care.

Is it fair to savage Britney's figure?

Thanks, for asking, AP. The answer is yes. Entertainment is built on fantasy. No one wants to pay to see 6s and 7s perform. Especially ones who are doing it just for drug money. If a restaurant serves bad cottage cheese, they're gonna get criticized. Same with female entertainers. If you're hot, I'll pay to look at you. Otherwise, what's the point?

I'd like to commemorate September 10th by whining. It's what people were doing a lot of before they woke up the next day. On the 11th, I will be solemn, but the 10th is the day for whining, and I've saved my biggest fattest fatwa for last.

The AJC devoted a huge center chunk of it's front page  and almost an entire inside page to the breaking news that Yogi and Panda's lawyers are doing a swell job pimping for illegal immigration. There was no other news today, except, oh yeah, that Iraq surge report is gonna be a lie when it comes out.

But no case drew more attention than that of VIVA 105.7 FM's "Yogi y Panda." Another Clear Channel morning duo —- 96rock's "Regular Guys" —- secretly taped Yogi and Panda in a bathroom and mocked them on air. Hernan, Taylor & Lee sued. The Regular Guys, whose stance against illegal immigration was a hit with fans, were fired days later.

Hate mail poured into the law firm. "One guy said he hoped we got the Ebola [virus] and died," Taylor said.

I really can't stand this reporter's selective presentation of facts to insinuate that I had anything to do with the hate mail and death threats they received. I have a large and passionate audience. How about the death threats that US citizens along the border receive every day by drug dealers and other opportunistic low-lifes who keep home owners hostage on their own property down there.

I wrote to this jerk.

Brian--

In your puff piece on 9/10 praising the sleazy tactics of the law firm of Hernan, Taylor, and Lee, you neglected to mention that the civil and criminal complaints regarding the bathroom recording of their clients, Juan Tapia and Eduardo Carias (aka, Yogi and Panda), against me and The Regular Guys Show was thrown out of court. The taping and airing of their restroom activities was deemed lawful by the Fulton County DA, and Hernan and Company were not successful in pressing their civil case due in large part to that ruling. Neither case had anything to do with illegal immigration or my on-air stance about it, which was decidedly mixed and fairly presented.

Even after the cases were settled and dismissed, Mr. Hernan knowingly made false statements in a public forum that I had been convicted of a crime that had never been prosecuted, for which he was threatened with sanctions and forced to retract.

While it's true that I was fired from Clear Channel and 96Rock, you may want to note that there was a settlement between Clear Channel and myself, and I came away no worse off then if my contract had simply expired 4 months later. In short, there was no misconduct on my part, yet the mythology continues.

It's a difficult and competitive enough environment in radio today without bearing the burden of the constant omission of what actually happened in that particular case, not to mention the negative innuendo that results when lazy reporters carrying water for a cause fail to report the full story. Richard Jewell was treated better by your paper.

Larry Wachs

His enfeebled, predictable response. 

Larry, I'm sorry you feel our coverage hasn't been fair. And I understand all your points here. But in the context of a story about the law firm, it would simply eat up too much space to describe the full outcome of each case. To do so completely, I would have to get the requisite comment from Taylor saying they had dropped the civil case out of "bigheartedness" (or something like that, I can't remember the exact word he used), then get your take on it. And by the time I've explained all the criminal and civil details, the reader is off on a tangent that really isn't relevant to my story. You'll notice there were several cases mentioned -- that of Fernando Benitez, the day laborers, etc. -- where resolutions weren't explained either. The important point for my story is that these guys are the ones taking these cases on. They win some. They lose some. But getting into the details of each one just wasn't appropriate for this story. That's my take. I hope you understand,

Brian

Yeah, I understand.  YOU HAD ONLY ENOUGH ROOM FOR TWO PAGES OF ASS-KISSING!!! Printing the truth might divert from the shilling for their "Monsters of Anarchy" Tour up and down Buford Highway.

Your figure sucks, too, ya lazy bastard. 

SAVE YOUR ENERGY

"I invite you to embrace Islam. There are no taxes in Islam, but rather there is a limited Zakaat [alms] totaling 2.5 percent."

-Osama, on his new tape, 9/7/07

Starting to like Osama now, aren't you? Yeah me, too.

I didn't know Islam was such a low tax religion. Now that I think about it, if you don't consider totalitarianism a 100% tax on human life, I guess it is better than the US. It all depends on how unconscious you can will yourself.

---

I finally got to see Vanessa Hudgens nude. It took me 3 visits to websites cowed into submission by the attorneys for "High School Musical" (quite a specialty, I must say), before I found one and downloaded it.

I'm curious under what plausible legal grounds any attorney could cite to have them come down. She's a little slut who voluntarily removed her clothes in front of her boyfriend's camera. She's 18. Well, good news. I have not a pot to piss in. So, bring it attorneys. I have the photo, and I'll be selling it to HOW viewers for just $1.34. That's less than the cost of Islam! Just send me a Paypal with your email address and I'll send you the photo.

Here's a taste.

It's really worth it. Vanessa's exactly what you'd picture in your fantasies. I watched "High School Musical" and I enjoyed it immensely. I like shows where pretty high school age girls move around a lot.

---

Hey, dude! Going to the big environmental concert with Dave Matthews in Piedmont Park tomorrow?  It's the first concert designed to keep people from getting to it, so I'm not going. That's how much I want to see this concept work. I like the idea of people who use 50 times more energy in one day than I do all year, charging me 100 bucks so I can be lectured by them to use less energy. It's a whole new psycho-sexual category. EM! Enviro-Masochism. One day parents will catch their kids in the bathroom pleasuring themselves to pictures of the Amish.

Ooooo, build that barn, baby. Do it without electricity..yeah....you like that don't you?...you...make....it...so...inconvenient....ahhahhaahh...MMMGHHHIIIJJJJKKKLERRRR!!!

Playing it green for concert could swamp MARTA

For weeks, organizers have sent e-mails warning ticket buyers there will be no venue parking available, and newspaper and radio ads include the car-less admonishment. It could result in the busiest day in MARTA's history, considering Saturday's events also include a Georgia Tech football game, a Braves game and a concert at HiFi Buys Amphitheatre.

I wonder how Dave Matthews and the Allman Brothers are getting to the show. Probably walking or biking from their houses, I'll bet. I'll tell you what if you have a ticket. Get there early, because it's gonna be hard to hear the non-amplified instruments past the first two rows. Perhaps someone will hold a cardboard megaphone in front each instrument and singer. That should help.

If people really cared about the environment, someone could bootleg the show, burn it onto a DVD and send it to me. You'd save a lot of gas.

---

One thing you never see is a villian tell Superman or Batman to go fuck themselves. Never. You would think with all that's at stake in their ambitious plans, and as insane as some of them are, they'd have told Superman or Batman to fuck off once or twice. You would think that an arch-villian would have the means to bribe a cop to claim that Superman tried to have sex with him in the men's room, or buy a copy of Photoshop and retouch a photo to make it look like Aquaman was drinking a girl's pee. Say what you will about The Penguin and his ilk, but at least they were gentleman. 

---

Nike makes the worst products in this weekend athlete's opinion. It seems like they'll slap their name on anything that comes out of a Chinese textile mill that pays two chickens a week. I don't think I'm alone. In the Wall St. Journal they chatted up Christopher Vidal, extended adolescence enthusiast and consultant. 

Christopher Vidal has more than 400 pairs of sneakers crowding his New York City apartment. He makes sure to wear each pair -- if only once.

The 34-year-old Mr. Vidal grew up in Brooklyn in the 1980s and became obsessed with skateboarding and street fashion. When he's picking out a pair of sneakers to wear today, he likes to hark back to that period. He says you can't go wrong with a pair of Nike Air Force One basketball shoes that first came out in 1982 and are now hot items among sneaker aficionados. "This is not a comfortable shoe, but it's become a keepsake," Mr. Vidal says.

My Nike golf bag recently broke. I didn't think a golf bag could break, but this one did.

It's hard to steal a golf bag from a store, so I searched all over my house for the PGA Superstore gift card I received at a tournament for "Furthest From the Pin." The non-Nike bag, after gift card, wound up costing me about 42 bucks. It's the next best thing to stealing really, especially for the nifty features they include on the bag. 

Finally, a label telling everyone where my valuables are so they know not to go in there.

---

OK, I'm going to get some rest. Started a new bowling league this Wednesday, so it's a little hectic around here, and Week 1 of Fantasy Football kicks into high gear on Sunday, and I must rest so that my mind can control the players better as I watch them on TV.