House of Wachs

CLINTON STEALS

My old pal Tim Conway, Jr. who can be heard weeknights from 8-11pm Pacific in Los Angeles on KLSX,(97.1FM) and on the web, emails a complaint.

"Hey, that Clinton is stealing my dad's act!"

Well, I sure as hell won't be voting for him to be president this year. Not after this.

NATTERING NABOBS OF NEGATIVITY

Sad, really.

The National Association of Black Owned Broadcasters is renewing its call for Arbitron to postpone its PPM rollout plan to new markets until it corrects "significant flaws" with the methodology. NABOB's Jim Winston says the just-released New York data is "even worse" for urban and Hispanic stations than the Philadelphia and Houston PPM numbers. He says "Declines this substantial raise serious issues about who and what is actually being measured."

The PPM, is a new ratings system from Arbitron which uses electronic devices to record what people are actually listening to instead of the paper diaries used for decades. These paper diearies resulted in people "voting" for their favorite stations instead of writing down what they are listening to. Try keeping track one day, down to 15 minute increments, what you listened to or watched on TV for one week. It's impossible to be accurate.

This new system, in the 3 markets it's been used thus far, has resulted in black and hispanic themed stations to plunge in the ratings. Rock, Adult hits, Pop hits, and talk have made significant gains. The new system is flawed, but a vast improvement is what it is over the paper honor system. A racial plot is what it's not, and I think it's rather sad that the minority broadcasters have used that as the implied theme to their public rhetoric. Was it fair when a station that broadcasts to 3% of a metro's population routinely garnered as much as 5 times that in audience share under the paper system?

Watch what happens when this system comes to Atlanta in 2009. Oh, the whining that will come when V103, traditionally 1 or 2 every year for the past decade, despite increasing competition in their format, plunge to 7 or 8. Still not bad, but tragic for people used to a directed outcome as opposed to a level playing field.

It was so nice inside that NABubble, wasn't it?

SPIFF RIFT

They fired Spiff today from WGST. It's bizarre. They kept Randy but fired Spiff. Can you believe that? I'll bet the Mexicans got him fired because they thought his name was Spic.

That's just wrong and stupid, but let's remember with whom we are dealing. I don't know if it's accurate, but I heard a reason given was that he was not serious enough for the format. Just what they need more of on talk radio. More deadly seriousness.

I like Spiff a lot. Randy, too, but he wasn't fired, so let's focus. Spiff was always fun to have on the show. He knew what to do.

I never saw him uptight. He never acted offended or victimized by our humor. Always humble, never blue, yet razor sharp. He made me laugh usually.

This is really starting to sound like an obituary, so that's it. He's alive and I'm officially against the Spiff firing. Spiff, give me a holler if you're reading this because I don't have your email.

Hey, watch this!

I'm assuming it's not satire despite the goofy clothes, the camera mugging, and the accents, and they're doing a good job of making me want to go out and get the product, because from the looks of it, I can be like The Cheerleader on Heroes and never have to worry about injury again. And I'm going to have to be worry free if I'm wearing short skirts and a protective coating on my knees.

But at the end of the demo, the host says, "Don't try this at home."

Why would he say such a thing? He spends 3 minutes showing us how the product works, then at the end he's saying it's not? I'm confused. Why else would I buy orange putty? Although when I was 13, now that I think about it, I used to take Silly Putty and put it over my dick to make it look fuller. But it was flesh colored. Sorry, protective orange putty. You lost a sale.

Michael Jackson has Lupus

Is any blond boy safe around this monster?

Dang it! The creepy alarm just went off. Probably just a leaf. Let me check what's going on and I'll catch you later.

A CHANGE WILL DO YOU GOOD

Biggest chuckle of the day: Going to my new job that Rodney Ho is not impressed at all with, I saw a guy pulled over on Buford Highway for speeding by a DeKalb County cop, and he was stopped right in front of a convenience store whose parking lot was the scene of a huge gathering of illegals looking for work. That would just kill my whole day. I'd go back to bed and cut my losses.

That's entrepeneurial justice right there. What will get the county the most money while expending the least amount of energy? Right? Wrong? What does that have to do with it? There's no money in expelling illegals these days from a DeKalb QT parking lot. Only headaches. And I promise that the City of Roswell will never see the $70 I've owed them for their red light cameras for the past 4 months no matter how much they kvetch. Get used to it. They'll only use it for liquor.

Second biggest chuckle: Rodney Ho asking me to describe my new job and saying "that's weird" after I did. It's not weird. It's unique and in it's infancy. You're not used to it. Neither am I. So, it could be a great new thing or a colossal screw-up. That's the fun of "change." You don't know how it's gonna turn out. Anyway, the promos should be online by week's end, and you'll make your own judgements.

Third biggest chuckle: The ironic possibility of being booked as a guest on a local morning show to promote the internet TV show. I'll bet no one in town has the guts to do it even though they all privately want me on their stations.

Now, a little glance at NEEEWWWSSS!

Bad Atlanta bridge riles baseball legend Hank Aaron

Former Major League Baseball home run king Hank Aaron says he'd like the city of Atlanta to do better by him and his neighbors.

This dilapidated bridge is located on Adams Drive just down the street from the home of former Major League Baseball king Hank Aaron. The cordoned-off area has become a favorite hangout spot for bored youths, Aaron maintains. The city acknowledges there's a problem, but says it doesn't have enough money to fix things anytime soon.

"It's just been one thing after another," said Aaron, whose 755 career home runs stood as baseball's benchmark until Barry Bonds surpassed it this summer. "[The bridge] has been downgraded to almost nothing really. The sad thing is, when I first moved here, [Adams Drive] was probably one of the prettiest streets we had."

My question is, why is Home Run King and Living Legend Hank Aaron living in such a shitty neighborhood? You'd think he'd move to a new pad by now instead of putting up with bored youths, broken bridges, and all the problems that dovetail from that.

Hank Aaron must be broke if he'll risk putting his address in the paper to get a bridge fixed. That's what's weird Rodney. He's in the Hall of Fame and has a BMW dealership.

Where are all the righteous dudes who say that Hank rules and Bonds is rotten? You'd think they'd help a victim out. At least Hank gets plenty of valuable lip service. I'll be at his home bright and early with a box of new baseballs to sign.

ROAD TO RUINS

I've been on the road on a listening tour of the radio business and here are my preliminary findings:

Carrie Underwood is singing Before He Cheats which is a huge hit for the sexy broad but the more I hear it the more I am offended by it.

"That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
Carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats."

I'm put off by the woman's rush to vandalism. Is that called for? All he did was date someone that was not you. Not a pleasant thing, but what did Carrie Underwood do to make him search for loving elsewhere? We are not told.

Carving her name into the leather seats was a poor move in my opinion, and I'd like to hear the follow-up song, "Before She Pleads," detailing how she was jilted by a lesbian in jail while awaiting arraignment on vandalism charges.

The problem with these songs is that there are millions of angry women out there who hear them and whisper "you go girl" under their breath as they mini-van around town with your sugar-buzzed kids driving them nuts, and they get this deranged scenario in their heads that while they're dealing with the kids, you're having a holiday picnic complete with sack races at work. That's why when you come home and she's fishing for a fight, she's likely heard Carrie Underwood sing the prophylactic virtues of crazy.

I think it's a poor choice of song for Miss Underwood who is pretty and sweet and more suited to singing songs about single moms praying to Jesus to drive them to her parents house because she's not good in snow. Before He Cheats is good song, but more suited to that goofy looking Reba McIntire, redneck chick Gretchen Wilson, or some country music she-beast like that who you could see not only getting ditched for a hotter model, but also losing her mind and destroying property as well.

Bucky Covington is another one. He has this single out about what it was like growing up in the 50s but I don't think he's any older than 28. So who is he to say how the good old days were better?

I'm not naive. if you write Before He Cheats, and Carrie Underwood wants to record it, you'd have to be crazy to say no to the cash it's sure to bring in just because it's not a good artistic fit. I'm just saying to all those greedy starving songwriters, it's annoying to listen to.

I have to pee in Spartanburg, so I stop at a gas station in which no toilet is available.

"Ya gotta go over to the Waffle House," says the attendant.

"You don't have a restroom?"

"Naw. They's broken. Gotta go to the Waffle House." Sounds like a scam to sell waffles to me.

"What happened?"

Stupid question on my part because it gives him the opportunity to launch into a spiel about how the development has overwhelmed the sewer system in that town and how the zoning laws need to be changed, ad infinitum, which doesn't explain why the Waffle House next door has working toilets.

I don't have the time to hear a dissertation on smart growth and urban land use from the overnight Kangaroo attendant. So it's onto the BP a mile down the road. Thank god for the soothing voice of Gail Garmin coming to me live on the Nuvi 350 to guide me.

There I find working toilets, but they are occupied by an 8 and a 10 year old with colored Mohawks. Whoa, mom and dad, whoa! How is this going to help them gain a foothold in civil society? I'm going to write a song about these kids. Mohawk Gypsies in the Night...give it a flamenco, Chris Isaak, Doors feel with lots of Munsters-style bass. It'll be a hit, but only if i can get Baltimora to sing it. I don't want look stupid by selling it to the wrong artist.

Back in the car and scan again and the Delilah Show is on one of her 2 million affiliates. Delilah is very soothing, and I like soothing at night. I appreciate her soothing company in the car. Past 9pm I'm the kind of person that doesn't mind a little Air Supply in the car, but that doesn't mean I like a little sperm supply in the trunk. Get that straight.

I'm hearing a long distance dedication from a 32-year old likely virgin network technician with Asperger's  whose speech patterns are similar to Harvey Pekar's friend. Just the Two of Us is his dedication song and I get the feeling it's going out to a woman who has no idea he exists. But that's what radio is for; to be our portable friends who hold up a mirror to our hopes and dreams.

Scan to AM to catch the Braves circle the drain as predicted in these blogs some months ago. A news story comes on about how Nike is making shoes specifically tailored to the Native American foot which are alleged to be different from other races according to the report.

I was unaware that Indians had no access to comfortable sport footwear or that their feet are that much different from my own. Thank god for radio news. My concern is do we really want to open up that discussion in these hyper-sensitive times about the physiological differences amongst  the various races?

We've been down this road with Jimmy The Drunk Snyder, and Al Campanis. Nobody was happy with the outcome. Don't get me wrong. There are significant physiological differences amongst the various ethnic groups, but it's just that there are few people capable of mulling the topic and it's implications without someone getting uncomfortable and keying cars.

Now, a commercial for some local cut rate supermarket that serves the sub-Winn Dixie crowd. Bologna is on sale and the store owner who does his own spots pronounces it "ba loan a" as it reads instead of "baloney" as normal, non-shithead people would say it. It's only "ba loan a" when you're talking about the town in italy or Renee Taylor's husband.

Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls" comes on for the 3rd time this trip. I like the song immensely. It reminds of a time when that pain in the ass ingrate Harry Belafonte kept his ludicrous opinions to himself and entertained with pleasant Carribean-tinged melodies.

Scan to something called Charlie FM. I'll say this for Charlie FM. They will never make the mistake of playing Fleetwood Mac after Nick Gilder. Not like that moron Tony FM.

This is a symptom of the larger disease that is rapidly metastasizing into the lymph nodes of the patient called terrestrial radio. What a ridiculous business model. Talent is an asset, not a cost, people. If you want to be in the audio entertainment distribution business past 2012, may I strongly suggest to some analog transmitter owners to put down the free Heinekin at the trade show, and start looking for humans who can build franchises that the masses want, in order to save your enterprise. I should point out that labeling something with an abstract concept is not the same as having a genuine product with real human attributes that create customer loyalty for generations.

You would think that if they were going to go out in this fashion, they would at least put some imagination into the label by having a Disco Stu FM or, in the case of the local Dave FM, at least hire DJs named Dave. People often ask if i'll ever do mornings at Dave FM, and the answer is no, because my name is Larry.

Tell ya what, when I get home, I'm going to the local courthouse and get the forms to change my name to Larry FM. If anybody wants to name their station Larry FM, they'll have to clear it through me. And that'll be rough seeing as how I have some very particular ideas about how Larry FM should sound, and the cost of the rabbi alone to convert the station to Judiasm borders on the obscene.I don't want my name getting hijacked by a monotonous music loop trying to be everyone's Ipod. Nip this problem in the Bud FM.

Scan to a station on the left wing side of the dial playing some beautiful hymnal music. It's well after 11pm now and I'm really looking to relax. The music is so relaxing and inspiring that I'm narcotized by it to the point that I give no mind to four Red Bull and deadline-crazed FedEx semis who speed rape my car as they pass me with ill-regard, or that I'm listening to songs about Jesus on the wildly holy Jewish day of Sukkot.

I've decided that this is the music I want to die to. I don't know what the chances are of one being able to choose the music they hear when they die. It seems to me that window is very slim. But if I do find myself fortunate enough to set my demise to some kind of music, this would be the music I'll be selecting. I'll buy a DiePod and drift off.

Then the scan button finds the local rap station which features more than a few fellas who could use a good dose of Jesus in their lives if you ask me. From what I can decipher of the melody-free grunting, all these hooligans want is to find some money or to take some money or to spend some money. Rappers are the greediest sons a bitches you'd ever want to meet.  If I'm wrong and there is a rap song about earning or investing money, send it along.

The listening portion of my research completed, I arrive at my hotel room that smells slightly like throw up. It's sufficiently masked by a spray disinfectant but it doesn't completely conceal the fact that something once went wrong in this hotel room. Then again, I don't think it's possible to be in a hotel room anywhere where nothing unpleasant has ever happened in it. Too many people out there, myself included, don't take rented property as seriously as their own, and thus feel liberated in doing their fluid letting, binge drinking, gun play and gratuitous mutilation of coeds while in the confines of temporary quarters.

The lobby has a wonderful selection of soft drinks, snacks, dinner portions of Ramen, and low-end frozen foods such as the ironically named Banquet. But it's 12:30 AM in Charlotte, a small Atlanta, but really a giant Duluth, and I must fuel, so I select a Michelina Lite Mangled Green Peppers with Beef and Rice. The box says the meal is a "chef-inspired recipe," and it's a good thing they put that label on there.  Otherwise, I'd have wrongly assumed it was inspired by a fellow in the lumber industry. These meals are rich in anti-anti-oxidants.

Two morons in alternative rock concert t-shirts are talking outside my door about the Chicago Bears QB controversy. Why can't they talk inside the room? They must know from their own experience inside the room that hotel hallway sounds travel far. In fact, I don't think it's possible to hold a conversation in a hotel hallway without 10 rooms at minimum being able to hear you. Oh, and by the way. Grossman should have been benched last year.

I've come up to Charlotte, NC to spend some time with friends and colleagues at the NAB Radio Convention. It's like a shiva house for terrestrial radio. Clearly, something is dead and the people at the convention are rhetorically positive but realistically sad. The discussion groups and panels mirror an industry in free fall and the only real controversy is how long it will be before a radio transmitter and FCC license is worth nothing. The convention wisdom says 20 years. Sounds optimistic to me. I'm probably one of 10 performers in the joint, and the rest are there because they were invited to speak on one of the thin offerings of discussion rooms about content and talent. The business has practically devoted itself to selling selling.

The panel sessions at the NAB Convention are devoted to discussing the finance and ad sales side of the business and hand wringing about the manifold government-inspired dilemmas that have come out of the woodwork to swamp radio operators large and small. There's a room for the FCC indeceny jihad problem. They even had a breakfast with the FCC chairman Kevin Martin in which not a single person asked him the most important question. Why are you regulating our industry to death?

Unlike TV, the bulk of radio's non-musical programming is live, and the costs tied up in staffing and purchasing equipment for an internal watchdog regime are significant in relation to revenues. Even then, there is no guarantee that every F-bomb and S-word will be eradicated by the in house blue pencil squads, resulting in crippling penalties. And with an FCC or Congress unwilling to clarify what specifically is indecent, it's even more difficult to manage the situation properly.

The first to go are those costly and difficult to manage hosts who make up the primary reason these days why most people even bother turning a radio on or buying ad time. The fix must be in. Clearly, the heads of this industry have sold out their 1st Amendment rights in exchange for a short term government fix for their other growing profit-eating woes, such as the ability to prop up dying AM stations by putting them on FM frequencies and getting a few more years of cash flow before both AM and FM go the way of 8mm film.

Ironically, in an adjacent party room another hand-wringing discussion is going on concerning the new royalty fees that another dying greedy industry, the record biz, has proposed for broadcasters. This is getting darkly funny. Here's an industry that has insisted, in the face of better music delivery competition, that it can still be the consumer's #1 choice for music. Now, the music industry wants to tax them to the tune of as much as $7 billion dollars a year for the privilege of playing their previously gratis recordings. That's a fine corner the radio biz has painted itself into. Can't afford to do music, can't afford to do talk. The only solution is to buy some text to voice software and hire a lad to type Dixie Cup jokes and riddles into it for $25 bucks a day.

Other rooms are devoted to discussions on how to plow more millions of dollars into convincing consumers that HD radio, a dead on arrival technology, is worth spending money on despite having no advantage over satellite or the internet. The audio is sketchy, the programming offers nothing unique, and the receivers are big and costly. Good luck with that.

I meet up with my friend and former colleague, Perry Simon, who has won quite a following amongst broadcasters for his insightful and blunt assessments of the business and his spot on predictions of how things will play out in the future. I strongly suggest you read his take on the whole crisis situation, if you're into this topic and wish to get more girls at parties with your media knowledge.

Not that the preceeding paragraphs mean that all is bleak in the House of Wachs. Oh, no. I just signed a contract for my next broadcasting venture, and I will have full details on it within 2 weeks, so check back in often here.

IN THE PATOIS OF THE FATWA

I just got done eating some delicious raisin toast. I had a hankering for it since tennis practice. It really hits the spot when I'm a little down. Tender sweet raisins, nestled into a golden gluten web of egg bread. Oh, my!

The time is ripe for a change in the way we do things around here at the big ole HOW. I don't believe it is fair to me as a US citizen that our media continues to tolerate, with a "muslim clerics will be muslim clerics" attitude, our enemies constantly issuing death orders against  people they don't agree with, but we're not allowed to do it to them or anyone else. Well, dammit, a hearty "fuck off" is not enough, anymore.  From now on, when I see someone do something that's irritating and wrong, or either, I will issue a public death threat to them. Yeah, it's symbolic, but don't get too comfortable.

I don't think I dig the new NFL Monday Night format so much. I like the fact that it's a double header, but it draws out those ill-suited sportsradio hosts who, generally, for some reason, think you must talk MORE and LOUDER despite the constant stream of HI-DEF pictures to aid their descriptions. It's a far cry from the days of Cosell, and for that I'm sending a death threat to ABC for debasing Monday Night Football.

I like the Niner's new unis. They are actually old ones from the 70s that they brought back. Good move. The lads actually look like football players as opposed to the futuristic space monkeys built from corn and petroleum derivatives that most teams look like.

Yep, the Niners really have it together sartorially this year. Those homos out there really know their style, you gotta give 'em that. I can only wonder how great the team would look if the NFL didn't ban Loverboy-style headwear.

Meanwhile, a death threat to Roger Goodell who cuts off one head of the multi-headed thug hydra but won't touch the others. A cursory glance of  Sunday's opening NFL play reveals that the number of of dreadlocks poking out of helmets and exotic Oriental arm tattoos have exploded throughout the league. If I were commissioner, and I was serious about the league's image, mandatory tattoo removal and shaved heads for all players. Don't like it? That's why they invented Canada, the 30% less America America.

1-1 this week in Fantasy Football so I'm sending a death threat out to Donovan McNabb for not being able to hit his two primaries, Reg Brown and Kev Curtis, and yielding me with paltry productivity in the WR column. I try to forget with booze and pills, but it's no use. That, and Marc Bulger forgetting how to throw doomed the Fulton Jews to an 0-1 start in my alleged money league. That's OK, Eli's hurt and I've got a top QB for the poor sap who picked him if he's willing to pay the price. Come to papa.

I'm sending a big death threat, of course, out to Arthur Blank, the architect of the return to glory for the Smith Family who previously owned the team. "Bring back Bartkowski and Hebert!" the people are shouting. People sigh when they reminisce about that charming rascal Rankin.

"Why, that Smith boy took a shine to my sister, Hattie, back in the summer of '28 during the Milton County Fair. I'll never quite forget how she was taken with the idea of having him as a beau."

The blunders are just astonishing in their frequency from the red and black. I thought Rich McKay was a personnel genius. What's going on? The Falcons don't seem to have any particular strength or excitement. Forget about Vick. They have deep problems all over the field. What a mess. Even with him at QB, it's 3-13 this year. With him out, I'm liking their chance for the top draft pick in April.

Also, a death threat to any football announcer who uses the new cliche "in space." This is the football lingo of 2007 to make the speaker sound more like a bonafide NFL insider. "He did a good job of containing the runner in space," I heard several times. This is vanity speak for someone who makes a good defensive move in the open field.

Just an hour after I made the last post, savaging Britney Spears' figure, comes this scolding article from the AP, who are clearly frustrated that their editor doesn't let them write fun stuff like we bloggers do without a care.

Is it fair to savage Britney's figure?

Thanks, for asking, AP. The answer is yes. Entertainment is built on fantasy. No one wants to pay to see 6s and 7s perform. Especially ones who are doing it just for drug money. If a restaurant serves bad cottage cheese, they're gonna get criticized. Same with female entertainers. If you're hot, I'll pay to look at you. Otherwise, what's the point?

I'd like to commemorate September 10th by whining. It's what people were doing a lot of before they woke up the next day. On the 11th, I will be solemn, but the 10th is the day for whining, and I've saved my biggest fattest fatwa for last.

The AJC devoted a huge center chunk of it's front page  and almost an entire inside page to the breaking news that Yogi and Panda's lawyers are doing a swell job pimping for illegal immigration. There was no other news today, except, oh yeah, that Iraq surge report is gonna be a lie when it comes out.

But no case drew more attention than that of VIVA 105.7 FM's "Yogi y Panda." Another Clear Channel morning duo —- 96rock's "Regular Guys" —- secretly taped Yogi and Panda in a bathroom and mocked them on air. Hernan, Taylor & Lee sued. The Regular Guys, whose stance against illegal immigration was a hit with fans, were fired days later.

Hate mail poured into the law firm. "One guy said he hoped we got the Ebola [virus] and died," Taylor said.

I really can't stand this reporter's selective presentation of facts to insinuate that I had anything to do with the hate mail and death threats they received. I have a large and passionate audience. How about the death threats that US citizens along the border receive every day by drug dealers and other opportunistic low-lifes who keep home owners hostage on their own property down there.

I wrote to this jerk.

Brian--

In your puff piece on 9/10 praising the sleazy tactics of the law firm of Hernan, Taylor, and Lee, you neglected to mention that the civil and criminal complaints regarding the bathroom recording of their clients, Juan Tapia and Eduardo Carias (aka, Yogi and Panda), against me and The Regular Guys Show was thrown out of court. The taping and airing of their restroom activities was deemed lawful by the Fulton County DA, and Hernan and Company were not successful in pressing their civil case due in large part to that ruling. Neither case had anything to do with illegal immigration or my on-air stance about it, which was decidedly mixed and fairly presented.

Even after the cases were settled and dismissed, Mr. Hernan knowingly made false statements in a public forum that I had been convicted of a crime that had never been prosecuted, for which he was threatened with sanctions and forced to retract.

While it's true that I was fired from Clear Channel and 96Rock, you may want to note that there was a settlement between Clear Channel and myself, and I came away no worse off then if my contract had simply expired 4 months later. In short, there was no misconduct on my part, yet the mythology continues.

It's a difficult and competitive enough environment in radio today without bearing the burden of the constant omission of what actually happened in that particular case, not to mention the negative innuendo that results when lazy reporters carrying water for a cause fail to report the full story. Richard Jewell was treated better by your paper.

Larry Wachs

His enfeebled, predictable response. 

Larry, I'm sorry you feel our coverage hasn't been fair. And I understand all your points here. But in the context of a story about the law firm, it would simply eat up too much space to describe the full outcome of each case. To do so completely, I would have to get the requisite comment from Taylor saying they had dropped the civil case out of "bigheartedness" (or something like that, I can't remember the exact word he used), then get your take on it. And by the time I've explained all the criminal and civil details, the reader is off on a tangent that really isn't relevant to my story. You'll notice there were several cases mentioned -- that of Fernando Benitez, the day laborers, etc. -- where resolutions weren't explained either. The important point for my story is that these guys are the ones taking these cases on. They win some. They lose some. But getting into the details of each one just wasn't appropriate for this story. That's my take. I hope you understand,

Brian

Yeah, I understand.  YOU HAD ONLY ENOUGH ROOM FOR TWO PAGES OF ASS-KISSING!!! Printing the truth might divert from the shilling for their "Monsters of Anarchy" Tour up and down Buford Highway.

Your figure sucks, too, ya lazy bastard. 

WEB BLOOPERS

A website called radiotime.com, Your Guide To Radio, has this listing. 

On one hand, people could click the audio link, listen to the subpar morning show, and think it's me.

On the other hand, people click the website link, expect the same brand of brilliance from the morning show currently on, get pissed off when it's not even close, and stop listening.

I will allow this amusing error to continue. 

I MUS' APOLOGIZE AGAIN

No sooner does Imus, pictured here saying "nappy-headed ho," receive a $20 million settlement from CBS, than Kia Vaughn...

...no, that's a Kia VAN!

I'm talking about the Rutgers Basketball Player,who is suing Imus for making his controversial remark.

Ya see, Rutgers did not win the 2007 NCAA women's basketball championship and because of Imus, they will never know the joy of being anonymous losers. They were forced to put up with the drudgery of having to go on Oprah and get their asses kissed by the governor.

The same governor, by the way, who can show actual damages against Imus because he broke every bone in his body racing over to Rutgers to hear the Imus apology. I don't know what the law provides as a remedy for people who get hurt in the act of traveling to pour gasoline on another person, but there's at least a whiff of merit.

According to ABC news:

"Don Imus is facing his first lawsuit from a player on the Rutgers Women's Basketball team for derogatory comments that cost him his job as a radio host in April..."

"First lawsuit"? Interesting choice of bias. Does ABC News know of more lawsuits or just wishfully urging? Won't those newsies be pouty if ABC hires him? Ha!

Let's look more at the plaintiff's case....

"The full effect of the damage remains to be seen," says her attorney, Richard Ancowitz..._jew

A claim of future damages? Then no money for you, sugar! The law only awards for actual damages, and not hurty hurt feewings from satirical generalities quoted in an email. Otherwise, excellent case! If I were Imus, I'd be quivering. Oh, he already is!

Well, If I were Imus I'd reach a settlement. It may be the cheapest way to prove to the world once and for all that she really is a ho. For $10,000, let him throw some hot coffee on her lap. She gets her money and something to really whine about. Everyone wins.

He should pay the whole team something because without them he'd a had to actually work for that $20 million. Give Uncle Sharpie a taste, too. And me too because....because. Oh yeah, I did a great rant on the CBS airwaves in favor of him. I have the CD of it somewhere around here. I can find it.

Will Imus go back on the air? Beats me. He could return, I guess, but honestly, if you're Imus and you just hit the motherlode for saying "nappy-headed ho" where's the incentive to move away from the dreaded and deadly n-word? And what radio exec in these turbulent industry times has the nerve to take that on, especially with the boutique audience Imus had?  Hell, they replaced him at WFAN with Boomer Esiason, who's less controversial than Jim Nantz at The Masters.

"Hey Boomer, what do you think of that Rutger's Women's Basketball Team?"

"Wow, aren't they somethin'? Good Mornin'! It's 6:22."

Yep. That's how they like it.

RADIO 101.5

Walter Sabo hired me in 1995 to come to Los Angeles and start the Regular Guys Show. I've always enjoyed his style. Confident, blunt, and unapologetic. If Walter were bottled he'd be Skin Bracer by Mennen. He's considered a maverick in the media business because he thinks content is the most important thing, and there's a right way and a wrong way to present it.

It's a little disappointing that such a simple philosophy is considered unorthodox, but that's the state of the art circa 2007. Any drive to work these days will tell you that.

With courtesy from and thanks to Allaccess.com, here's a portion of a recent interview with Walter. As usual, he shreds commonly held myths about broadcasting and explains things as if he were a special ed teacher. My comments in italics.

Can terrestrial radio retain younger listeners? Is the threat from new media real, and can it be countered? How?.

There is no threat to any medium from another medium. Media is meaningless. People don't listen or watch media. They watch shows. They listen to shows. They pay for tickets for shows. The best show, regardless of the stage, wins their time, attention and money.

How can radio in general, and talk in particular, benefit from the PPM? Are you concerned about the recent stories of users leaving their meters in the dock all day?

I was more concerned about people trying to fill out at diary while driving at 65 miles per hour -- or in the shower. The PPM is a vast improvement. No whining about the PPM is tolerated.

PPM=Portable People Meters, which Arbitron is phasing in to supplement, and then replace, the ridiculous diary system. They are like pagers and pick up the inaudible coding every station puts on it's signal to measure what the PPM wearer is listening to on the radio, how long, and when.

The paper diary format encouraged listeners to vote for their favorite stations instead of what they were actually listening to. It's human nature. Who has time, especially the button punchers, to recall with any accuracy what they listened to on the radio in every 15 minute increment throughout their busy day for an entire week? It's easier to say, "I like Frank and Wanda," mail it in, and scratch it off your "to do" list.

I know a guy, still on the air, who found a way some years back to get his hands on a couple Arbitron diaries a year, and wrote the name of his own show in them. That doesn't sound like much, but it made a big difference. Each month that he had a diary, his show would do quite well.

Since he was in his early 30s at the time, and white men 18-34 have traditionally been the toughest from which to get usable diaries returned (I don't know. Something about being busy with a job or family or something), his diary was weighted even more heavily to make up for the dearth of that demographic return.

Back to our interview...

Talk shows come and go in syndication -- what causes a show to fail, and what's the primary element that makes for a good syndicated show? Is it the same for local shows?

Prime time TV shows come and go. A huge TV hit is one that runs for 5 years. For some reason radio shows are held to a much higher standard than prime time TV shows.

I believe that is because radio stars are so much more talented than TV stars that they can hold an audience for DECADES. Howard Stern has been a star since the MID 1980's. NO TV show has held an audience for that long. The audience doesn't really factor in whether a show is local or syndicated, just if they are being entertained. Local content tends to be more intrinsically entertaining but not by much. It comes down to dedication and preparation. Preparation.

Many stations broker out the weekend hours (and sometimes even weeknights) for infomercials and other material. What's the best argument a programmer can make to convince the GM and GSM that it isn't worth it?

That will kill the station's cume overall and devalue all other days and dayparts. It's the worst business decision that a station could make. It is irresponsible to broker out any significant amount of air time.

You've done work with Sirius Satellite Radio as well as terrestrial radio -- is satellite competition for, or complementary to, terrestrial radio? How should terrestrial programmers be looking at satellite -- foe or nothing to worry about?

Americans LOVE radio. All audio entertainment competes for the listener's time and the advertiser's dollar. It's all competition and competition is not a bad thing.

A lot has changed in 8 years, but terrestrial talk radio is still around, right alongside satellite and streaming and podcasts and YouTube. Take a stab at the future: what will talk radio be like in another 8 years? Will it be more finely targeted? Will it be primarily delivered by terrestrial or other means? Will it be video-oriented? Or will it be pretty much the same as it is now?

Most radio station websites are pathetic. You had better get yours in shape yesterday if you want to be part of the future. But never underestimate radio's strength, Radio has the most elegant and efficient distribution system. Other media would kill for the distribution enjoyed by AM radio... 7 radios per home. 98% reach of the population. No wires. Remember that other media come to radio to boost their circulation. As long as hosts talk about what two friends would discuss over lunch in the food court, talk radio will continue to be radio's gold coast format.

PROJECT 196