House of Wachs

PROTECT YOUR NUT

A colleague emailed me these propheticesque words yesterday:

McCain beats Hillary 53% to 47% in the general election. His victory will come down to Independents who perceive him as a truth-teller compared to the legacy of the Clintons.

I like Romney but the Repubs, when given a choice, will always give it to the next guy in line- and it doesn't hurt that the next guy in line ain't a Mormon.

I fear two things this year. McCain getting the GOP nomination. This will lead to a Hillary Clinton victory in my view. 

So actually, I'm only afraid of one thing. A Clinton victory. At least I've cut my worries by 50%, and it's not even February.

I've already taken some steps to protect myself  in case of such a dire occurence that a known rapist uses his straw wife to get a 3rd term, and none of them include moving to Europe as those cowardly weasels on the left promised back in 2000 and still haven't done, much to virtually everyone's annoyance in America.

I'm going to blackmail my brother, a top surgeon, who has stated to me that he intends to vote this mess into office and even campaign for her/him. I believe his group is Surgeons Against Salaries.

I know a lot about my brother. I have a lot of dirt on him going back to the time when we were 8 and 7, and he came up with the plan to poison the neighborhood retard, a 10 year old who told us he was friends with Hitler. The tard/bully promised that one call would have us both dead by morning.

The point is, I've got a lot of dirt on my brother and I may have to use it to secure free, off-the-grid healthcare for me and my family in perpetuity. I suggest you start keeping tabs on your favorite physician immediately. Hire a PI now, or wait in a year-long line for your prostate bleeding problems later. It's up to you. Economics don't bend to politics.

I'm also looking into being a pot dealer to secure some cash to send off shore. I wouldn't want be a cocaine dealer because they are more violent and ruthless given the nature of the commodity they are peddling. Pot dealers are probably a more friendly bunch given the tranquilizing properties of their product. Still, I'm only in the listening tour stages of my research into this venture.

Then again, I just may rob drug dealers like Omar on The Wire. He makes a pretty good living and can afford to go to the Carribean for vacations, although I would go with a woman.

Now would be a great time to head over to Buford Highway to establish an alternative identity from the many ID providers that have been helping the American-Mexican community for so many years. It comes in handy when you need to drive to work everyday instead of the alternate days that come with an environmentally safe administration.

Another thing that puzzles me is what is it about Mormonism that makes people think America won't vote for one for president. I don't see anything controversial about them.

A Mormon president wouldn't be all hopped up on caffeine like all the others. What's wrong with that? Maybe he'll get more rest and have time to relax and think about the issues more clearly instead of being twitchy from colas and coffee.

I'm voting for Romney in the primary because he's white. Why not?  I think America is ready for a really white president, and Mormons are the whitest of white people.

Romney. He's my wigger!*

_{*Until a Jewish candidate comes along.}

DIVERSE DISCRIMINATION

International Night at my daughter's school. I tell my girls it won't be fun. They don't listen.

First, we get there late and miss the International Foods Bazaar featuring homemade, indigenous treats, and I'm hungry. So hungry I almost ate 2 hour old unregulated Ethiopian food right out of some lady's crockpot.

It looked iffy, so I exercised restraint and went to a vending machine. There was a commotion around the corner. The International Rainbow of Diversity stage show was about to begin.

The show docket has the place buzzing. International dancing by the children and a lecture about the religion of Diversity by Bill Nigut! Who knew America was such a wonderful place? Everywhere around the world. They comin' to America!

Bill was a reporter for Channel 2 locally for a long time, and I've had him on my radio show. He at first strikes you as a nice guy, and there is no doubt in my mind that he is well-intentioned and means no harm. But the reality is that he wears thin after repeated meetings as he reveals himself to be the stereotypically dingy, guilt-ridden, uptight, Jewish liberal amongst whom I grew up, but without a well-developed humor gene.

He came to preach to us how race is not a big deal, but, it's A BIG DEAL!!!!!!

Due to the doctrines of Diversity, the seating is Who Concert style. Whose bright idea was it to make a restless crowd, filled with people from cultures where pushing and shoving are the norm, wait outside locked doors for 20 minutes? Of course, once inside, despite an obvious 2-1 ratio of people to seats, many feel it necessary to save seats for their same-skinded friends so they can sit together and learn about Diversity. We're packed in like political prisoners in a soccer stadium awaiting re-education. The hectoring begins only 25 minutes late, which is on time in the DPT (Diverse People's Time).

"I used to be on TV news for many years," Mr. Nigut, the Troy McClure of political correctness, tells the fidgety audience dressed in their hot, uncomfortable, and stupid looking native attire. "But it wasn't enough. I wanted to make MORE of a difference."

I guess he was frustrated in TV because of all those damn conservatives he worked with in the news room. Must have been hell, Bill.

How do you make more of a difference? Act crazier? I don't see any other way short of running for office. Bill is not running for office. He's running a guilt museum in Atlanta now and giving speeches to gullible school children about their skin color. He might as well molest them for all the good he's doing them.

"Let me tell you,  9/11 changed the world forever," he says.

This 9/11 of which you speak. Tell me more.

According to Bill, 9/11 was bad. But it was bad because it made the world more suspicious of Muslims.

OK. no. yeah. but. wait. like. and. such as. anyway. What about the Trade Center and all that?

"The vast majority......" he begins.

That's all I hear. I'm frying at this obnoxious waste of tax dollars.

The asininity of this idea is so profound that it should be a candidate for the first free speech to be made illegal. How does a guy get so selfish that he will roll his entire country under the bus so he can be viewed as a moral paragon? Then this ass-kissing coward stands there and basks in the applause from all the Islamics in the audience who saved seats to be near each other and talk in another tongue.

But it's NOT ENOUGH! Always seeking to make more of a difference,  Bill then leads this great, blatant, pandering cheer where he mentions every religion and geo-political skin tone he can think of and exhorts each minority group to cheer for itself.

And that's when I took the last hinge off this fragile jerk's door without saying a word.

He continues his apologetic speech. "Ya see, I grew up in an all-white school..."

I clapped a lame little clap. Yay!  My turn to be special.

This makes Bill stop. He turns and points in the general area of where I'm sitting. He's upset at this non-consensual race-cheering.

"Ya know, if that's your thought process, I don't want you in here," he scolds. So much for diversity of opinion...and to hell with humor. Hey, this was fun, Bill.

My wife digs her heel into my foot.

"You're starting a race riot in here." she hisses. And my foot is the brake?

So with everyone--Bill, the audience, me, and my family--all in agreement,  we cut out of the Remains of the International Day and head to our favorite Indian restaurant where they treat us like goddamn royalty.

MAKE ME WET

What is it Thursday? Only took me 3 days to recover from the past weekend in Las Vegas. Not bad for going to bed at 1pm last Saturday. After that refreshing nap/sleep it was off to the Palms Hardwood Suite for a 40th birthday party of a pal which lasted until 3am Sunday morning.

I've been to parties that had a basketball court, and I've been to parties in hotel rooms, but never to a party in a hotel room that had a basketball court inside it off the living room.

The entire hotel room is bigger than my home.

I think I did a pretty good job on attire for such a unique event.

The sporty sweater and tasteful jeans say: "I'm eager to have conversation and cocktails."

The sneakers and t-shirt underneath say: "But I'm ready to drain some 3-pointers if necessary."

What are the statistics on hotel rooms being broken into that have their TVs left on? I take it on faith that doing this deters criminals and degenerates, but I'd like to see the numbers to back it up.

I don't think it works if you leave it on any channel. A criminal is not so stupid to think that a Vegas tourist is going to sit in their hotel room on a Saturday night watching the hotel services channel or CNN when all kinds of funs are going on outside, so I put it on ESPN before I set off--LOUD--because it's more plausible that a degenerate gambler could be in the room catching up on college football.

Las Vegas, being a mecca for terrorists looking for a little fun before blowing up some building in the name of Allah, has some of the scrutiniest airport security in the US. The lines are snakes before they get on the plane.

I was detained at McCarren Airport briefly Sunday because the woman with the lip mole and heavy accent at the security bottle neck was confused that the "Lawrence Wachs" on my driver's license, and the "Larry Wachs" on my boarding pass didn't match up.

ME: Larry is a nickname for Lawrence.

HER: Yes, but they are not the same.

ME: It's like Bobby is short for Robert. BTW, you might notice that the face and the last name all match up.

HER: But one says Larry and the other says Lawrence.

LADY BEHIND ME: It's like Robert and Bob.

HER: Is this your wife?

ME: No. She's an American. Everyone knows this.

HER: I am American, too (but she said it like a vampire would).

...and zzzziiip....out comes the nylon barrier. Now, I've gone and done it.

She went to see her supervisor for some guidance on American nomenclature, came back with her tail between her legs, but no apology, and let me proceed for another 23 minutes of line before I could get out of Vegas.

Again, I must ask. Where's the danger in nicknames?

I must say a trip to the desert really gives perspective on the drought situation here in GA. I saw no one in Las Vegas praying for anything but a gambling victory or avoiding an STD. Water was not discussed at all despite the eternal drought outside.

I do believe in the power of prayer and faith. I don't know exactly the chain of events prayer touches off to yield results, but I have a notion that it's similar to the "monkeys with typewriters" effect. If you put enough minds to work meditating on a single problem, somebody's liable to stumble upon a solution.

But the Governor leading a prayer for water is really asinine. What are we?  Whoville? 

Praying for rain is the wrong prayer, too. I'd pray for grass and flowers that don't need rain or for the skies to open up and drop Purell and good red wine on us on Sundays. Maybe war on on Alabama and Florida. As long as we're throwing a Hail Mary, let's aim for the end zone, you people.

As a voter, I'm concerned when an elected leader uses prayer as a first resort to fixing a practical problem. Why vote? Just install gypsy fortune tellers or Creflo Dollar as governor. His rainmaking is legendary.

I could understand if we were being overrun with zombies. When that day comes, I will stand with the Governor, humble before the Lord. I promise you.

But water is everywhere. It's just trapped under regulation and politics. Is it that hard to make the case that an inedible mollusk in Florida is less important than a nice shower and shvitz for 25 minutes? That's what fighting is for. Prayer, in this case, communicates surrender to the obstacles and a neglect of reason.

Oh, wait! It rained a 10th of an inch last night. Sweet vindication from our Father! This drought will be over in just 7 quick years.

Hey governor! I'm tired of walking upright. How about another prayer?

WHAT'S NOT YOUR STORY #1

Starting today, I think it'll be fun to post the rejected stories from this week's What's Your Story episode. #4 is being shot tomorrow and will be online Friday. Final script was turned in this morning, and so now I present a new feature on the HOW website:

What's Not Your Story--The Outtakes!

What you'd pay extra for if you bought the DVD of this website, is FREE!

And as soon as I can figure out a way to change that, I will. But for now, take advantage.

These were rejected for a variety of reasons. Too dark, too mean, too long, too porny, too unfunny, too old, too libelous, etc. In other words, perfect for the internet. I know SuperDeluxe.com is on the internet, too, but they're on a different level of internet with standards and commerce and hits and all. So now, I take you to that other place on the internet, The Island of Misfit Stories, for our inaugural "What's NOT Your Story" #1

OCTOPUSSY

In India, a 2-year old girl with 4 arms and 4 legs had 2 of each removed last week.

A team of Indian surgeons worked on little Lakshmi around the clock until they had successfully chewed off her extraneous extremities.

Sorry for playing designated driver here during all the celebration, but It seems to me we are playing a dangerous game of god when we cut the limbs off of giant spiders and hope they blend in with human society.

It only sets the spiders up for failure, and where are these surgeons then?  Skipping off to their next case of social engineering not caring about the consequences.

I hope they at least let this little gal keep the pointy scales on her back and her prehensile tail. Maybe then society can start to recoup it's dignity

THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD DATE RAPE

Popular children’s toy Aqua-Dots were pulled from store shelves last week for fear they contain the date rape drug GHB.

According to the Consumer Products Safety Commission, each year 100,000 children are date-raped by toys. Play-date rape is not new.

You'll recall in 1987 when Milton Bradley pulled the game, "Mystery Date Rape" from the shelves, and protest in 1994 brought the same fate to Mattel's Binky Suckin' Barbie and Wham-O's Slip-N-Slide

Experts say the toys use fun and bright colors to entice the children. Sometimes the toys take the children to nice restaurants and pressure them.

Kids, say no to strangers when they offer toys made out of steak and lobster.

THE WAITER’S STRIKE

(Video of wacky Writer's Striker)

No wonder terrorists love Hollywood people. They don't know how to fight back.

Where I come from, if someone is taking money out of your pocket and cocaine off your table, that's a big problem.

It's never solved by people with funny signs and wigs who rap with the inefficiency of a white person.

Meanwhile, the producers are eating a nice filet with peppercorn sauce discussing a new reality show with Mark Burnett while both are in a hot tub at the Palms in Vegas having their backs washed by two young ladies supplementing their income from college cheerleading.

And they are all laughing at you up on the 40” plasma screen.

Someone needs to cook that juicy cut of beef, and clean up the hotel suites for those people. Those someones are you, my writer friends.

How badly do you want your 4 more cents for a DVD? How far will you go to get residuals from the internet that you deserve? Who amongst you will be first to openly dip his penis in a glass of producer ordered iced tea?

Go ahead. Make my day, Rosebud. Can you handle the truth?

Show yourself the money.

SIX FLAGS OVER HILLARY

(video of flags falling behind Hillary Clinton)

Graphic video here of Hillary Clinton’s brush with death.

Watch here as Mrs. Clinton and her diverse lesbian friend, Huma, narrowly escape being crushed by these falling flags.

It would have been the first pole to touch Hillary since college.

“Who tried to kill my sister?”

Over on Capitol Hill,  a furious wicked witch of the West, house speaker Nancy Pelosi,  immediately launched an investigation into the owner of the flags.

Mrs. Pelosi is right. This was no accident. Someone is trying to bury Mrs. Clinton with the American flag. Fortunately for her, and the nation, Mrs. Clinton will not allow the American flag to interfere with her quest for the US Presidency.

PRESIDENT PERV

Pakistan is being overcome with Al-Qaeda and Taliban again, and Paki president Perv (The Uncle) Musharraf has suspended their constitution...like they had one.

I'm all for democracy in the middle east, but we're skipping a crucial step, and that's why this thing is dragging on.

In order to have democracy, you have to have sanity and humility. The Muslims are the pit bulls of people. Yes, some of them can be quite loving and gentle. But...

It's all about them and their 72 virgins.

Well, who doesn't want 72 virgins? So selfish.

And if you stopped wrapping up your women like mummies and beating them with sticks, you'd probably get some action in this life!

What we must do is convert them to a better religion such as Judaism. They still don't have to eat pork, but they'll learn to behave.

Round 'em up, give 'em a choice. We cut your head or your foreskin. Your move, Mohammed!

MYSELF, HELLO?

Is there anything funnier than 2 old rich jews bitching at each other?

(Seinfeld clip)

"Don't you know who I am?"

The sad answer Seinfeld, is no. Larry King has no idea who you are. He's 172 years old and he doesn't care about anything but his prostate.

He's also a praying mantis. A very smart praying mantis.

And his audience is just as old as he is and confuses you with that handsome young man on the Wonder Years.

So Larry is just setting the scene for the old folks who watch while getting diapered for the evening.

Eat some cereal, Seinfeld, and calm down.

DOTDOTDOTDOTTERINGOLDFOOL

How about that Larry King? Claims he was swindled out of 15 mil in an insurance scam. I'm willing to bet it happened during his show, too. Go through the tapes and see if a caller ever pitched him on life insurance. You'll see.

How can you ever believe any of Larry King's interviews anymore? He's obviously gullible. He has such a tangible lack of judgment. What kind of trustworthy person with a passion for "what makes people tick" loses 15 MILLION DOLLARS? Good luck to him trying to get another taste of his 40-year old poonie from here on out.

There's no telling what kind of monkey business with the truth his guests are going to pull now. Next thing you know, Jeanine Garofalo will convince him that she's the new president of  Burma. For the love of Ariel Sharon! He's gonna have to have at least 4 guests now for every show about a controversial topic to make sure the truth is covered somewhere. Oh, wait!

What was long suspected has now been confirmed. Larry King IS a highly developed praying mantis...from Brooklyn.

In honor of Larry's style, this Larry is going to do that Larry's type of random thoughts dotdotdot blog entry, and also I must  finish up and hand in this week's What's Your Story scripts, so little time to waste. Man, I love when bloggers publish excuses for why they're not handing out more of their work for FREE to you slobs. Don't you?

DOTDOTDOTDIRT

Why is a brown lawn considered being green? Why are people who are in favor of being green AGAINST greenhouse gasses? It's right there --g-r-e-e-n- house. Mighty, Mighty.

DOTDOTDOTONTHELOT

I got a call today for another extra part in a Tyler Perry production. This time, I'm up for the part of "FBI MAN." That's all I know. My guess is that I'm not a good guy.

I'm 2 for 2 now with the Tyler Perry people. They love me. Maybe I'll get a few lines soon. Maybe the "FBI MAN" will have to bodily restrain Nia Peeples or Pebbles or some hottentot hottie of that level. Yum!

The other TP production I was in was "Why Did I Get Married?" now showing in hotel rooms across America. Go see it. I'm not. My wife suggested we pay good money to go to the theater to catch the back of my jacket scooting along behind the actors in a scene that may not even have made it, because it didn't sound that funny when they were doing it. No, I'm going to steal the DVD from Blockbuster like I always do when I feel I'm entitled to do so.

DOTDOTDOTHEAD

Pakistan is being overcome with Al-Qaeda and Taliban vermin again, and has suspended their constitution...like they really had one. It bears repeating that the only way to bring the democratic process to their shores is to force them into a new religion. I'm a little biased, but I say the best thing is to convert them all to Judaism. It's a halfway house to the Christianity they need but is too strong a dose of sanity and humility for them right now. They can still avoid pork products if they wish, and have big noses, while they practice calm and try to wriggle free from the steel grip of the 10th century.

Round 'em all up and give 'em a choice. We cut off your head or your foreskin. Yee ha!

THE NEW LITELLAS

Get ready, America.

Friday 10/19 is the official debut of Wachs hosting the festivities on "What's Your Story?" the new commentary program from Superdeluxe.com.

I'll be posting the links and the embed code for people who want put it on their blogs and get a free SuperDeluxe.com t-shirt for their effort in co-operating with my agenda..

We'll be tackling the Al Gore Peace Prize, not tackling a naked man captured in NYC, PLUS our Blowback segment where some dude is angry right out of the box because of opinions I expressed in the promos for the show. Not even one episode, and the email whiners are a-whinin', and the email bitchers are bitching.  Anyway, that and more in a tidy 3 minutes we call "What's Your Story?" debuting Friday morning on Superdeluxe.com

Make sure you send in your stories and comments for next week to whatsyourstory@superdeluxe.com and maybe get your name announced on the world wide internet! Ain't that a hoot?

I hope you won't find the show as disgraceful as this:

During yesterday's taping, which I like to call "filming" in front of the crew because it makes them feel superior, one of the producers kept throwing Ann Coulter jokes at me, hoping I would find one of them useful in the episode. They were funny, but they weren't things I would say.

I told him that I really didn't see what the big deal was about her remark that Jews are not "perfected."

It's not an insult. This whole pseudo-controversy reminds me the way those complete nimrods on the DC City Council reacted some years ago when the mayor used the word "niggardly" to describe a budget proposal. In short order, every person the public schools ever educated in the dark arts of grievance culture in lieu of basic English, rushed to a waiting microphone to denounce the racism of a person who said nothing about race. Mayor Barry got more respect for smoking crack.

For those of you still nursing a grudge, "niggardly" means stingy and applies to black people as much as Spic and Span does to Mexicans. That's Sarcasmese for "not at all." Stop me if I'm writing too fast for you.

Christians don't get all riled up when Jews call themselves The Chosen People.^TM I'm sure it's mildly annoying to other religions much in the same manner as when Islamics claim Islam the official religion of peace and the Olympics, when it's so utterly obvious that it is not, so lighten up, Tevye.

You'd have to be really on something prescription strength to not see that Christians think that Christianity is the best religion on earth and everything else is not. Christians think that they completed, through their belief in Jesus as the messiah, what the Jews had started in the Old Testament. Without that belief, there is no point to Christianity, so what Ann said is really no more shocking than noticing that the sky is up.

Yet the media exalts emotional cripples and illiterates, such as that vaginized embarrassment to all of the Hebraic faith, Donny Deutsch. He hunts for outrage and sets lures for offense which once captured, sets the outrage hunter and his like-minded friends to ramble on and on about it like an army of Emily Litellas, but unlike Emily Litella, not having the decency to sheepishly issue a "never mind,"  when they discover their misinterpretation. No wonder people think Ann Coulter is a man. She's constantly interviewed by men with more feminine traits than her.

Seriously, Donny. When you ask Ann Coulter what her America would be like, do you expect her to say that everyone should be a Jewish Democrat? That whole Phil Donahue persona is really out of date. There's no man on earth who cares that much what a woman has to say. Especially one who sits there in a short skirt flashing her roast beef sandwich at you.

And what about that poor Ellen Degeneres? My, oh my.

As a self-serving twit myself, I admire the use her TV show to fix her personal problems. It's the right thing to do.

She seems genuinely upset here and is no doubt the victim of the heartbreak of bureaucracy. The animal welfare zealots should give her hairdresser the dog back. Some rules are begging to be broken because they're inane and overriding them bears no obligation on someone else.

If nothing else, it will keep the hairdresser away from Ellen's hair while she brings in someone who gets their styling ideas from other than women's fast-pitch softball magazines. Then again, Ellen is not usually the feminine one in her relationships. I wonder if she'd date Donny Deutsch?

Ellen's got herself hoist on her own thingy, I'm afraid.  I've never actually seen a petard, so it would be wrong of me to act like I knew what it was. It's animal enthusiasts like herself that set up the rules of adopting pets and have succeeded in elevating animals legal status to roughly that of a Terry Schaivo.

And so Ellen innocently agrees to rules set up to ensnare OTHER people. Those rules are for the non-believers. People who refuse to buy sweaters for their dogs and don't freshen the litter box fast enough for Jingles Fauntleroy. God forbid such people should ever own these four-legged dieties.

"It's all for the good because we're protecting the animals and treating them like the brain-damaged humans they deserve to be and one day we'll get them suffrage and...hey! Where are you going with my dog, officer? Hold on...Hold on...I gave her to GOOD people. Who appointed you the decider of who's good and who's bad? Oh, wait...

_{...never mind".}

SAVE YOUR ENERGY

"I invite you to embrace Islam. There are no taxes in Islam, but rather there is a limited Zakaat [alms] totaling 2.5 percent."

-Osama, on his new tape, 9/7/07

Starting to like Osama now, aren't you? Yeah me, too.

I didn't know Islam was such a low tax religion. Now that I think about it, if you don't consider totalitarianism a 100% tax on human life, I guess it is better than the US. It all depends on how unconscious you can will yourself.

---

I finally got to see Vanessa Hudgens nude. It took me 3 visits to websites cowed into submission by the attorneys for "High School Musical" (quite a specialty, I must say), before I found one and downloaded it.

I'm curious under what plausible legal grounds any attorney could cite to have them come down. She's a little slut who voluntarily removed her clothes in front of her boyfriend's camera. She's 18. Well, good news. I have not a pot to piss in. So, bring it attorneys. I have the photo, and I'll be selling it to HOW viewers for just $1.34. That's less than the cost of Islam! Just send me a Paypal with your email address and I'll send you the photo.

Here's a taste.

It's really worth it. Vanessa's exactly what you'd picture in your fantasies. I watched "High School Musical" and I enjoyed it immensely. I like shows where pretty high school age girls move around a lot.

---

Hey, dude! Going to the big environmental concert with Dave Matthews in Piedmont Park tomorrow?  It's the first concert designed to keep people from getting to it, so I'm not going. That's how much I want to see this concept work. I like the idea of people who use 50 times more energy in one day than I do all year, charging me 100 bucks so I can be lectured by them to use less energy. It's a whole new psycho-sexual category. EM! Enviro-Masochism. One day parents will catch their kids in the bathroom pleasuring themselves to pictures of the Amish.

Ooooo, build that barn, baby. Do it without electricity..yeah....you like that don't you?...you...make....it...so...inconvenient....ahhahhaahh...MMMGHHHIIIJJJJKKKLERRRR!!!

Playing it green for concert could swamp MARTA

For weeks, organizers have sent e-mails warning ticket buyers there will be no venue parking available, and newspaper and radio ads include the car-less admonishment. It could result in the busiest day in MARTA's history, considering Saturday's events also include a Georgia Tech football game, a Braves game and a concert at HiFi Buys Amphitheatre.

I wonder how Dave Matthews and the Allman Brothers are getting to the show. Probably walking or biking from their houses, I'll bet. I'll tell you what if you have a ticket. Get there early, because it's gonna be hard to hear the non-amplified instruments past the first two rows. Perhaps someone will hold a cardboard megaphone in front each instrument and singer. That should help.

If people really cared about the environment, someone could bootleg the show, burn it onto a DVD and send it to me. You'd save a lot of gas.

---

One thing you never see is a villian tell Superman or Batman to go fuck themselves. Never. You would think with all that's at stake in their ambitious plans, and as insane as some of them are, they'd have told Superman or Batman to fuck off once or twice. You would think that an arch-villian would have the means to bribe a cop to claim that Superman tried to have sex with him in the men's room, or buy a copy of Photoshop and retouch a photo to make it look like Aquaman was drinking a girl's pee. Say what you will about The Penguin and his ilk, but at least they were gentleman. 

---

Nike makes the worst products in this weekend athlete's opinion. It seems like they'll slap their name on anything that comes out of a Chinese textile mill that pays two chickens a week. I don't think I'm alone. In the Wall St. Journal they chatted up Christopher Vidal, extended adolescence enthusiast and consultant. 

Christopher Vidal has more than 400 pairs of sneakers crowding his New York City apartment. He makes sure to wear each pair -- if only once.

The 34-year-old Mr. Vidal grew up in Brooklyn in the 1980s and became obsessed with skateboarding and street fashion. When he's picking out a pair of sneakers to wear today, he likes to hark back to that period. He says you can't go wrong with a pair of Nike Air Force One basketball shoes that first came out in 1982 and are now hot items among sneaker aficionados. "This is not a comfortable shoe, but it's become a keepsake," Mr. Vidal says.

My Nike golf bag recently broke. I didn't think a golf bag could break, but this one did.

It's hard to steal a golf bag from a store, so I searched all over my house for the PGA Superstore gift card I received at a tournament for "Furthest From the Pin." The non-Nike bag, after gift card, wound up costing me about 42 bucks. It's the next best thing to stealing really, especially for the nifty features they include on the bag. 

Finally, a label telling everyone where my valuables are so they know not to go in there.

---

OK, I'm going to get some rest. Started a new bowling league this Wednesday, so it's a little hectic around here, and Week 1 of Fantasy Football kicks into high gear on Sunday, and I must rest so that my mind can control the players better as I watch them on TV.

COMMITMENT TO EXCELLENCE

I'll admit I committed a crime today by stealing a neighbor's paper, but I don't think it should be addressed or punished by the legal system. Here's what happened:

I hopped into my car to go to get something to eat and I was starving. Literally. I had just run for 45 minutes in the heat, and after 35 minutes of getting cleaned up and inspecting myself, I could feel my body cannabilizing it's own lean muscle mass. Mouth is alive, all running inside, and I'm hungry like the wolf.

Here's the thing about me and hunger. I will kill, if need be, to get a meal. Not that I need to, but I am prepared to take another person's life if they stand between me and a meal that I think I must have.

I was a little crazed with hunger and forgot to bring along a paper to read which is a must for me. I do not enjoy chewing and staring at walls or talking to people. It's not pretty when I eat, especially when famished, and I'm very self-conscious about it, so I like to have some sort of publication to hide behind when push comes to chew.

Interestingly, this doesn't apply to video distractions. I do not enjoy eating while watching TV/video/internet because my chewing disrupts the dialogue or I have to pause the eating to click on something.

OK, so I'm crazy hungry and without literature. I decided to take the first newspaper I see in a neighbor's driveway. After all, it was almost 2pm, and at that point, if you haven't read the paper, you're not gonna.

I don't think I drove but 2/10ths of a mile before the perfect situation presented itself. Not only did this household have today's AJC yellowing in the summer heat of the driveway, but SUNDAY'S NEWSPAPER was still out in it's wrapper!!

Drove up to it, opened the door, hauled today's paper into the car, drove off in a hurry, almost colliding with a school bus traveling on the correct side of the street. Went to rustle up some chow.

In an article from this ill-gotten edition comes a mean-spirited nugget from the editors. Today being back to school for a lot of Metro Atlanta counties, they made a list of the dropout rates for high schools in northside counties.

Very little of it surprising, except for DeKalb County where the average dropout rate at the 21 schools listed was just over 30%. I expected higher. But within the list for DeKalb was this...

Now, DeKalb is one of America's wackiest counties, for sure, what with it being a part of Cynthia McKinney's former district, the Sheriff-elect there getting assassinated by the guy he beat in the election, the County Executive behaving more like Fred Williamson than a duly elected leader, and the interest in re-opening the Wayne Williams child murders over 20 years after the book had closed, just to name a few of the higher profile goings-on in the past few years. Gwinnett has made an impressive stab at the title what with the Runaway Bride and the Mansion Madame, but those were the crimes of the well-to-do, and on a day-to-day, street by street basis, Gwinnett is not nearly as insane as Dekalb. Dekalb is almost a leper colony.

So they really don't need the local insane asylum included in their listings of high school dropout rates. That's just piling on. They've got enough problems, and I don't even think a well-run county such as Cobb or Cherokee would be able to get one of these psychos to graduate, either. I don't even think it's a good idea for psychos to get diplomas. As I wrote in my children's book, "If You Give A Psycho A Diploma..."

If you give a psycho a diploma....

they will want a job......

...and if you give him a job....

....he will rape all the women and shoot all the men.

Belly sated, sanity returning, I felt remorse and started thinking of my crime today. I'm not a psycho. I want a job. I am a good worker. I deserve a job.

I put the paper back into order and rolled it into the original plastic baggie and tossed it back into the driveway from whence it came.

You can't tell the difference. No one but Jesus knows and he is very forgiving. No harm, no foul play, I say.

PRY IT FROM MY WARM WRAPPED ARMS

My wife and daughter are playing Battleship in the bedroom, and I've got my eye on a nice cinnamon bun with cream cheese icing on it (no actual cheeses were hurt for the frosting). I've been pretty good this week at attempting to preserve my reasonably athletic figure, so I'm gonna let loose this evening, before getting up tomorrow and strapping on my new favorite product...

...the Therma-Care heat wrap! God Bless them. I'm going to write a nice letter to them and get some free ones, just like I did with Shower Soothers, but not as nice because I still have another 8 months worth of Shower Soothers left in my closet.

I'm really feeling 46 in the past week, what with the stress of the job hunting, driving long distances, eating tons with no exercise, auditioning on the radio, more driving, and then pitching 3 innings on my men's little league team. It really knocked me out. I was sore until yesterday. My masseuse almost separated her shoulder trying to knock out the knots in my shoulder and neck.

She also revealed to me that she does it with her eyes closed because she can focus on the muscle problem better, which is a nice way of saying that my back and body are too old and gross for her 25 year old senses, and have an ipecac effect on her, so she has to close her eyes and pretend she's massaging the dude on Smallville.

"No, really. There's this blind guy who does massage around here, and some of my clients say he's good because he's blind, and I kind of borrowed the technique."

A blind masseur? I don't know how I'd feel about patronizing this mythical beast. Yeah, he's blind so you could easily gyp him out of payment, but he's still a guy. Even if it moves and he can't see it, it still moved. No one disputes the fact that if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it....it still fell!  Well, if a tree trunk rises and no one can see it, it still rose. But, a blind masseuse... Now that is an innovation I welcome.

For Sunday's ballgame at Chamblee HS at 4:30pm (good seats still available), I will be wearing the Thermacare patches in select places under my uniform so my muscles don't tighten up on me. It's a great plan. I bought about a two weeks supply worth of Thermacares and will apply them before all games on my shoulder, lower back, and elbow for long lasting warmth through all 9 innings. You would think in a 38+ men's league, they would make the games 7 innings like in kid's leagues, but it probably follows too close to the diaper arc of a man's life. When you start appeasing your body with child's portions, it's close to the end. Next season, I'm thinking of wearing adult diapers on the mound so I can drink more rejuvenating Capri Sun juice boxes between innings.

God bless anyone in the pain relief business and anyone that can keep an aging population physically motivated, be they the ICY HOT people, or the neighborhood pill and dope merchant at the corner pizza shop. We need as many able people in this country as we can muster. And you young'uns better start getting married earlier and get to work on your breeding. This country faces huge challenges, and we need more people, period. We're currently outnumbered by jealous maniacs from other lands, all of whom wish to drink our blood in celebration of our conquer.

Our 300,000,000 doesn't seem like such a big number vs. their 2 billion, and probably as many as 40% of our 300,000,000 is actively rooting for the other team. I gotta be honest, I've become as uninterested in the party politics going on than I ever have, but when over half of our Congress votes to quit a war, it's an eye opener. They've just voted for the certain sacrifice of someone you may be standing next to right now, in order to hold office and enrich themselves for a few more years.

Anyone still a Falcon fan? How did you feel when, in 1999, Eugene Robinson was busted for picking up hookers the night before the Super Bowl? I was at that Super Bowl and, amongst the press, most wanted to go home, seeing a Broncos victory as a formality at that point. Everyone from Atlanta felt sick. It was over. That's what this is. It doesn't matter that the President is going to veto it. The damage has been done. The play book has been given to the other team at halftime, and everyone knows what's likely to happen now.

The United States will ultimately not lose this war. After the next attack on our soil, there are quite a few people around who will dust themselves off and make an immediate appointment with the local Islamic center to have a sincere and very personal discussion about what the future holds. Despite the seeming millions of people who vote with their guilt instead of any coherent moral code, I think they are outnumbered by people who truly do not take for granted the value of living in the US and the system that allows it to fix it's many flaws. Oh, and I do believe that the US military is working on some time travel technology that will enable us to spy on the future and stop our enemies. We will win, but this kinda business just makes it longer and bloodier.

The Democrat Party makes it's living off of people who really feel bad about having more happiness and comfort than others and have giant egos that drive them to dream up all sorts of superhuman plans to assuage their guilt, through attempts to control the weather to cover up their vain and wanton hairspray use over the years, or control people's appetites to hide their own cinnamon roll addictions. 

"I drove a car today. Tax me before I kill again."

That's why American Idol just can't accept it's fate as a simple entertainment icon and has to go and ruin it with that awful African beg-a-thon last week. As long as the $50 million they raised was not intended to go down the toilet, that's all that matters.

Truth is, only Africans can really help Africans to get out of their messy situation over there. However, if an outside party is truly interested in clearing a path for them, here's a household hint. Guns and bombs do a lot better job of making the world a safer place than all the money and John Lennon-inspired candy wishes and hot-buttered popcorn dreams that that spiky-haired dimwit was singing about on American Idol last week.

Imagine there's no heaven? Dude, what do you think helps keep motherfuckers in line? Imagine how many more young boys would have been porked by priests had there been no heaven. Hey, imagine no one putting on pious TV shows because there is no God to impress. Maybe the song isn't the worst ever after all.

It doesn't really matter what your philosophy or your politics are when you're dead--unless your philosophy is that death is preferable to life on this unfair planet. Still, you are dead, and the birds and trees and catastrophes will continue their party without you. I'll give you that dead people don't feel much pain or guilt, but wouldn't it be a selfless act to move to Mecca or just swallow a bottle of pills and leave the rest of us out of it?

To all the people who think the war was a bad idea and Bush is a craven liar who just wants to make a lot of oil money so he won't have to live the pauper's life of a president anymore, I say, Otay!. Let's stipulate the war is wrong and Bush is a murderer of innocent, humble people and simple farmers. But he's still the coach of the team you are on. We still have to play the game, because the other team is committed. Putting Coach Clinton or Coach Obama in won't change the fact that when you don't show up to play, you will lose. Even the special needs T-Ball leagues operate on this principle.

Anyway, God bless anyone who makes products that keeps an aging population moving. One day, we'll stop sitting there with birth control balloons hanging off our wicks, devising new ways to couple up non-breeders, and get to patching the people filter, AKA, our borderline.

See you in the duct tape line, amigos.

TO AIR IS HUMAN

Now that the Supreme Court has ruled that  CO₂ gasses are pollutants and must be regulated, how far off until human breathing is subject to collection, measurement and taxation if not outright cessation?

And what about our trees? How will they be able to thrive without the garlicky output of our collective breaths?

Don’t worry. Those masks we will be hooked up to go through what was once our home’s central HVAC, retrofitted by each home owner, of course, with the help of a generous tax credit of 30 cents on the dollar by the omniscient Congress.

The noxious human pollutants will then be collected in a tank and hauled away by municipal gas workers to a central repository where unionized, and therefore, skilled and professional workers will spray the gases onto at risk forests and vegetative sites, targeted by environmental priests for help.

Holman Jenkins, in today’s Wall St. Journal, summed up our new national religion very well:

…it's perhaps sufficient to say that many people believe in manmade global warming because many people believe in manmade global warming; Al Gore believes in it because many people believe in it; many people believe in it because Al Gore believes in it; and so on, right up to the highest court in the land.

Here’s the article about the current climate psience.

(May need subscription)