House of WACHS

IN THE PATOIS OF THE FATWA

I just got done eating some delicious raisin toast. I had a hankering for it since tennis practice. It really hits the spot when I'm a little down. Tender sweet raisins, nestled into a golden gluten web of egg bread. Oh, my!

The time is ripe for a change in the way we do things around here at the big ole HOW. I don't believe it is fair to me as a US citizen that our media continues to tolerate, with a "muslim clerics will be muslim clerics" attitude, our enemies constantly issuing death orders against  people they don't agree with, but we're not allowed to do it to them or anyone else. Well, dammit, a hearty "fuck off" is not enough, anymore.  From now on, when I see someone do something that's irritating and wrong, or either, I will issue a public death threat to them. Yeah, it's symbolic, but don't get too comfortable.

I don't think I dig the new NFL Monday Night format so much. I like the fact that it's a double header, but it draws out those ill-suited sportsradio hosts who, generally, for some reason, think you must talk MORE and LOUDER despite the constant stream of HI-DEF pictures to aid their descriptions. It's a far cry from the days of Cosell, and for that I'm sending a death threat to ABC for debasing Monday Night Football.

I like the Niner's new unis. They are actually old ones from the 70s that they brought back. Good move. The lads actually look like football players as opposed to the futuristic space monkeys built from corn and petroleum derivatives that most teams look like.

Yep, the Niners really have it together sartorially this year. Those homos out there really know their style, you gotta give 'em that. I can only wonder how great the team would look if the NFL didn't ban Loverboy-style headwear.

Meanwhile, a death threat to Roger Goodell who cuts off one head of the multi-headed thug hydra but won't touch the others. A cursory glance of  Sunday's opening NFL play reveals that the number of of dreadlocks poking out of helmets and exotic Oriental arm tattoos have exploded throughout the league. If I were commissioner, and I was serious about the league's image, mandatory tattoo removal and shaved heads for all players. Don't like it? That's why they invented Canada, the 30% less America America.

1-1 this week in Fantasy Football so I'm sending a death threat out to Donovan McNabb for not being able to hit his two primaries, Reg Brown and Kev Curtis, and yielding me with paltry productivity in the WR column. I try to forget with booze and pills, but it's no use. That, and Marc Bulger forgetting how to throw doomed the Fulton Jews to an 0-1 start in my alleged money league. That's OK, Eli's hurt and I've got a top QB for the poor sap who picked him if he's willing to pay the price. Come to papa.

I'm sending a big death threat, of course, out to Arthur Blank, the architect of the return to glory for the Smith Family who previously owned the team. "Bring back Bartkowski and Hebert!" the people are shouting. People sigh when they reminisce about that charming rascal Rankin.

"Why, that Smith boy took a shine to my sister, Hattie, back in the summer of '28 during the Milton County Fair. I'll never quite forget how she was taken with the idea of having him as a beau."

The blunders are just astonishing in their frequency from the red and black. I thought Rich McKay was a personnel genius. What's going on? The Falcons don't seem to have any particular strength or excitement. Forget about Vick. They have deep problems all over the field. What a mess. Even with him at QB, it's 3-13 this year. With him out, I'm liking their chance for the top draft pick in April.

Also, a death threat to any football announcer who uses the new cliche "in space." This is the football lingo of 2007 to make the speaker sound more like a bonafide NFL insider. "He did a good job of containing the runner in space," I heard several times. This is vanity speak for someone who makes a good defensive move in the open field.

Just an hour after I made the last post, savaging Britney Spears' figure, comes this scolding article from the AP, who are clearly frustrated that their editor doesn't let them write fun stuff like we bloggers do without a care.

Is it fair to savage Britney's figure?

Thanks, for asking, AP. The answer is yes. Entertainment is built on fantasy. No one wants to pay to see 6s and 7s perform. Especially ones who are doing it just for drug money. If a restaurant serves bad cottage cheese, they're gonna get criticized. Same with female entertainers. If you're hot, I'll pay to look at you. Otherwise, what's the point?

I'd like to commemorate September 10th by whining. It's what people were doing a lot of before they woke up the next day. On the 11th, I will be solemn, but the 10th is the day for whining, and I've saved my biggest fattest fatwa for last.

The AJC devoted a huge center chunk of it's front page  and almost an entire inside page to the breaking news that Yogi and Panda's lawyers are doing a swell job pimping for illegal immigration. There was no other news today, except, oh yeah, that Iraq surge report is gonna be a lie when it comes out.

But no case drew more attention than that of VIVA 105.7 FM's "Yogi y Panda." Another Clear Channel morning duo —- 96rock's "Regular Guys" —- secretly taped Yogi and Panda in a bathroom and mocked them on air. Hernan, Taylor & Lee sued. The Regular Guys, whose stance against illegal immigration was a hit with fans, were fired days later.

Hate mail poured into the law firm. "One guy said he hoped we got the Ebola [virus] and died," Taylor said.

I really can't stand this reporter's selective presentation of facts to insinuate that I had anything to do with the hate mail and death threats they received. I have a large and passionate audience. How about the death threats that US citizens along the border receive every day by drug dealers and other opportunistic low-lifes who keep home owners hostage on their own property down there.

I wrote to this jerk.

Brian--

In your puff piece on 9/10 praising the sleazy tactics of the law firm of Hernan, Taylor, and Lee, you neglected to mention that the civil and criminal complaints regarding the bathroom recording of their clients, Juan Tapia and Eduardo Carias (aka, Yogi and Panda), against me and The Regular Guys Show was thrown out of court. The taping and airing of their restroom activities was deemed lawful by the Fulton County DA, and Hernan and Company were not successful in pressing their civil case due in large part to that ruling. Neither case had anything to do with illegal immigration or my on-air stance about it, which was decidedly mixed and fairly presented.

Even after the cases were settled and dismissed, Mr. Hernan knowingly made false statements in a public forum that I had been convicted of a crime that had never been prosecuted, for which he was threatened with sanctions and forced to retract.

While it's true that I was fired from Clear Channel and 96Rock, you may want to note that there was a settlement between Clear Channel and myself, and I came away no worse off then if my contract had simply expired 4 months later. In short, there was no misconduct on my part, yet the mythology continues.

It's a difficult and competitive enough environment in radio today without bearing the burden of the constant omission of what actually happened in that particular case, not to mention the negative innuendo that results when lazy reporters carrying water for a cause fail to report the full story. Richard Jewell was treated better by your paper.

Larry Wachs

His enfeebled, predictable response. 

Larry, I'm sorry you feel our coverage hasn't been fair. And I understand all your points here. But in the context of a story about the law firm, it would simply eat up too much space to describe the full outcome of each case. To do so completely, I would have to get the requisite comment from Taylor saying they had dropped the civil case out of "bigheartedness" (or something like that, I can't remember the exact word he used), then get your take on it. And by the time I've explained all the criminal and civil details, the reader is off on a tangent that really isn't relevant to my story. You'll notice there were several cases mentioned -- that of Fernando Benitez, the day laborers, etc. -- where resolutions weren't explained either. The important point for my story is that these guys are the ones taking these cases on. They win some. They lose some. But getting into the details of each one just wasn't appropriate for this story. That's my take. I hope you understand,

Brian

Yeah, I understand.  YOU HAD ONLY ENOUGH ROOM FOR TWO PAGES OF ASS-KISSING!!! Printing the truth might divert from the shilling for their "Monsters of Anarchy" Tour up and down Buford Highway.

Your figure sucks, too, ya lazy bastard. 

THE GLAMOROUS LIFE

I'm still on the planet, but I am exhausted. 2500 miles driven this week, and I haven't begun to sort through mail, clothes, problems, bills. Much more by Monday night. I will also post some of the FREE FM hours from this past week on the podcast ASAIC.

Hope ya missed me....Huh? I am delirious.

I MUS' APOLOGIZE or PIMP MY PIMP

I was pleased and delighted to open up my morning paper and NOT see myself being associated with THIS story about liberal darling, Don Imus. Well, the online edition that you see on the link does make the association, but the paper editors deleted it, whether due to space limitations or recognizing lousy journalism, I don't know. Maybe they just took it out of the copy earmarked for delivery to my house.

Here's the stupid and irritating paragraph from the Imus in the Woodshed Saga as reported by my old pals Rodney and Phil over at a daily Atlanta paper.

Somewhat closer to Imus's case, radio shock jock Doug Tracht, known as the Greaseman, was suspended for racist comments several years ago, then re-instated, then later fired from another station for more racist comments. And in Atlanta, the "Regular Guys" were fired from 96rock last year after they taped sister-station Hispanic disc jockeys without their knowledge and then mocked them on-air.

Huh? Wha? That story has absolutely not the slightest resemblance to the Rapmaster Imus incident. Oh, white light, take me already!

Old material, gents. Where's the followup from you social dividers? That anti-Wachs spin has been refuted by the law and common sense for sometime now. I even recently settled my differences with the wonderful people at Clear Channel as well as with those cuddly bilingual DJs, and we're all very happy with the peaceful outcome of that. Where's the followup? Isn't that the definition of "news?" When something new happens? For a bunch that whine and cry when people are not getting along, news reporters sure have a knack for ignoring it when everyone finally shakes hands and hugs.

Good god, this malarkey is even picked up in the Austin-American Statesman! Why would anyone in Austin want to get the scoop on Imus through the lens of Atlanta? Do they have no reporters in Austin? Can they not get NY numbers on their Austin telephones? Thanks a lot, lazy looky-loo "journalists."

Let me also hasten to point out for the record, that I do not think the Rutgers Basketball Chicks are a bunch of nappy-headed prostitutes whatsoever. They wear their Carhart flannels just like you and me. They are proud women, and they should be praised for their bravery on the court battling team after team of heterosexual female basketball players from intolerant right-wing schools like Yale, Vassar, and Sarah Lawrence. That takes guts.

To believe that Rapmaster Imus actually harmed anyone is to believe that the Rutgers FemiFives even know or care who Imus is. Oh, you really think that the RutGerlz set their alarm clocks daily to wake up with Imus and his political roundtable, do ya? Well if that's the case, I say that they play hip-hop, the musical religion of peace, in Imus' 2-week absence. Wouldn't want to disappoint his growing audience of female teen basketball players.

The Imus calculation was classic. Appease critics and bask in the new found dignity that comes with pleading guilty to crimes not committed. Man, you know you're in trouble when Cal Ripken cancels on you, and who wouldn't want to repair that damage?

Maybe all will be well after his 2-week cool down vacation at his dude ranch for wayward dudes, and maybe the buzz from this incident results in interest in the show from other than it's usual clique of NY and DC high dollar political insiders. What is certain, is that going on Al Sharpton's show and not taking full advantage of the opportunity to turn the tables on this swaggering, self-righteous eggplant is very sad for all broadcasters and for race relations in general.

Uh-oh. Don't look now, but the Floating Head of Disapproval is looking over my shoulder as I write this hateful screed.

What would Wachs have said (WWWHS)? Well, Floating Head, I think Imus was onto something when he said, "We're a comedy show...sometimes we go too far." Let's advance that idea a step further.

WWWHS?

"So Al, you understand how that can be. Everyone knows how fun it is to smear feces on teenage girls and tell them to say that white men did it. That's always a good time. But people got hurt. Remember? You went a little too far, but it worked out for the best. People got over it. We can look back and smile.

Or how about the time you got on a bullhorn and told people it would be kinda fun to burn down Jewish-owned buildings. Good times. You're out there doing your thing, being a bigoted reverend, registering homeless to vote and get reparations and all, and then BOOM! All of a sudden Freddy's Fashion Mart is in ashes and people are killed. You didn't mean any harm. Everyone evetually got over that one."

I was surprised when Cryptkeeper Imus apologized so profusely because, well, I assumed that Imus was already clinically dead, kept alive by some mechanical means or digital puppetry. And logically, if I were also 80, and had had my last rites administered on several occasions, had money, and a ranch of tender young things at home, I certainly would consider blazing up the ole middle fingers to the outrage brokers and call it a career. Imus Shrugged. What's with the mad career preservation scramble? That's for younger, funnier commentators. First liquor and coke, now power, drawn from interviewing political celebs, that the I-Pimp can't get enough of.

APRIL FRESHNESS

Happy Easter! It's almost done, but, ya know what? I'm gonna extend the festivities into Monday because I feel like it, and I can. My ancestors started this holiday by being accused of killing Christ, so if I want to extend it one more day, I can. I like Easter because it lets all the Jews off the hook. Several thousand years later the Christian religion is still thriving.  Jesus was resurrected, so it turned out good. We can all look back at that crucifixion and laugh now. What was everybody getting so worked up about?

I enjoyed a nice round of Easter golf with my specially painted Easter Balls. Have a look.

If you'd like one, take a walk in the woods at Eagle Watch in Towne Lake when you get a chance. They're all there.

That camera phone takes a whale of a flattering shot. If it weren't for this sudden global warming skein we've been having here in the south, I'd look more golfy, I assure you.

I enjoyed watching the Masters this year mainly because no one looked happy most of the time. It made the pros look more like me. I particularly enjoyed watching Tiger break his 5 iron against a tree, something that I enjoy doing and do well myself. I'm trying to raise my game a bit and I'm working on uprooting a bush with my driver. It's not as easy as it sounds, given the complex root system.

Another update on finding Kosher for Passover Coke: In response to my postings of last week, I received calls and messages from several mid-level Coke and Publix people who had gone to the trouble of obtaining the precious beverage.

Here I am, enjoying a 2-liter bottle of it at my home this evening.

As I suspected, it has the crisper, bubblier flavor of yesteryear, instead of the flatter, vegetable noted flavors of today's HFCS Coke. But boy am I cramping from 2 liters of gas-filled sugar water. Haven't done that since I was 23.

If Coke was smart they would bring back Coke with sugar as a niche brand since demand is so high. They could call it Nu Nu Coke, for the hip and semi-literate text messaging crowd, and do commercials with John Sununu. Or Coke 3, Coke Shoulda, Ye Olde Coke, Coke Before It Got Screwed Up, Coke This Is The Flavor of the Government Not Subsidizing Domestic Sugar Growers.

Enough about soda already. The vernal holidays of rebirth and redemption have passed and it's time to get on with the new year already and get down to business. In case you are interested in listening to radio on the internet at night, catch the stream all next week (4/16-4/20, dude), Monday-Friday from 9pm-midmight, as the House of Wachs returns to NY and 92.3 FREE FM. Watch your mouth, Imus! I think I'm being groomed.

GREAT MOMENTS IN BRANDING

Saw this on the Drudge Report today and cringed audibly:

Well worth the $$$ spent on trademarking lawyers. Thanks a pantload, ABC news.

By the way, creepy, Tim Russert-looking motherfuckers who kidnap young boys and act as if they are the father are not "regular." There is a fine line, I'll admit, but it's still a line.

NEW PODCASTS

Some new podcasts are up. Thanks to Bryan at Everything Bacon for sending me some of the classics in his liberry. Free shirt for him.

New today:

SSS interviews David Cassidy

Chatroom Diddler

ALL ABOUT YOU

I've been very busy this week thinking about myself. Everything has been about me, as it should be. After all, even the most mundane guy out there is singlehandedly supporting 10 families as soon as his feet hit the crumb-laden floor of the garlic fart smelling bedroom everyday. He's got his own, he's got the tax-eating mooches that glom onto his paycheck, plus there are overly needy co-workers who depend on him for their emotional nourishment, and on top of that, I, in particular, have been spending a lot of time with my new lawyer family.  But now, while all is stable on the legal front, I thought I'd spend some time on you before I round out another day of being beaten by the man and settle in for another Jewish-hosted TV game show in tonight's 1 vs 100 on NBC, although nothing can match the most Semitic game show in history, Deal or No Deal, with Mandel exploiting the poor decision making processes of African-Americans with his little banker friend and the 25 golden shiksas. See ya next time, and stay tuned for "Where's the Rent?" with Andy Kindler.

I can tell you miss The Regular Guys Show, especially now that it's gone forever and into the realm of legend. The Regular Guys Podcast, in three days has already over 2000 listeners. I don't really know if that's good. Just sounds impressive to me at least. Plenty more segments going up in the days ahead. And the outraged emails continue to pour in. I can only wonder what poor Kay-Kay at the front desk of 96Rock has to deal with. I hope she hasn't collapsed. I know you also miss my take on things in the news. For many people, my insights, commentary, and opinion are like a swig of lemonade on a hot day. A little sour, but so quenching. So let me catch up on the news.

First, I'd like to point out that John Kerry's "botched joke" was not botched at all. I thought it was rather well told and very clear. John Kerry thinks military people are dumb. Good one. Ha! Now go suck on next week's election results.

Sure Madonna's an irritating, phony cuntlet and all, but I don't know why everyone is up in arms that she adopted this little black baby boy. OK, so she'll probably give it away to Goodwill in 4 years when he's not fashionable anymore, but right now, this kid's life immediately went from consorting with wild jackals to to a 5th Ave. penthouse in neck-snapping speed. People are acting like she took all the children from Africa at gunpoint and put them on a plantation, and dared Abe Lincoln to shut it down.There's no doubt that it would have been more interesting if Madonna moved to Africa to live with the kid instead. Kind of a "Brown Acres" sitcom thing could have been made out of that, but there's no denying that the little black baby that she picked up at that big box baby store known as Africa, is better off.

Evangelist Ted Haggard admitted Friday that he bought methamphetamine and received a massage from a gay prostitute who claims he was paid for drug-fueled trysts by the outspoken gay marriage opponent.

Haggard resigned Thursday as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and stepped down as leader of his Colorado megachurch while the two groups investigate the allegations.

Why? He's against gay marriage, not gay reacharounds. In fact, the gay man who is married and has kids is the model of where I'd like to see the whole gay marriage thing headed. It's a lie we can all be comfortable with.

Why can paint thinner drinker Kitty Dukakis testify about the evils of alcohol and receive honors, but a sperm drinker like Ted Faggard be denied the opportunity to denounce the evils of too much gay? He should know by now. And Kitty Dukakis' anti- alcohol hectoring probably put him on the meth. He's only gonna be replaced by another closet case, anyway. Put him back up there. Preach on, village person!

Gotta go to the store and pick up the fixins for some "Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding" that I saw Paula Deen make on the Food TV channel today. I like her show because she comes across as a really sexy, fun hog.

REGULAR GUYS SHOW PODCAST DEBUT

As it turns out, I completely misjudged Eric's arch-nemesis, Herman from Dunwoody. Herman is not only a very wealthy individual (he invented the golf ball stacker seen on millions of golf driving ranges across America), but he is incredibly bright. And while I'll concede that he is not very handsome-looking, he does have an unbelievable treasure trove of thought-to-be-lost Regular Guys Classics.

Recently, Herman allowed me to borrow some of the fragile tapes, made on low-bias Maxell right from the air signal, for the purpose of preservation and presentation. So today, I have selected a segment from our glorious past for your enjoyment, on the all new...............

REGULAR GUYS PODCAST

Sign up for the RSS feed there, or go to Itunes, and download these and future classics for your Regular Guys Show collection. There is also a link in the left column of this page as well.

Today's selection is David in Dahlonega. After Southside Steve's car wreck in 2003, Steve's gay redneck admirer, David of Dahlonega, calls in to see how his honey is doing. Also featured in this segment, a call from a guy who made us glass dildos, but was ostracized by his community for doing so.

Plenty more to come including the legendary "Help! I'm Trapped!" and the "SSS/Travolta Interview." I will update regularly as I get more archives in. Feel free to suggest other segments you'd like to hear, and other feedback is always welcome.

TGIM

More insults and injuries. My final Clear Channel paycheck was found on my doorstep Friday, soaking wet, and short by a substantial amount. A new one will be issued, but not until the due dates for my bills have passed. Those folks find new ways to wrong people daily. It's almost their core business.

After sifting through 600 anguished emails from listeners and sponsors, I needed a break, and thank the lord who runs the karmic machine that Jeff Carlisi is around. I went to his roc 'n roule fantasy camp this weekend in Doraville to forget my troubles for a few days. My band was named "The Byrdmen of Alcohol," in tribute to our founder, lead guitarist, and arranger, Ricky Byrd, best known for the classic guitar riffs in "I Love Rock and Roll" when he was performing with Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. His advice to the over the hill dreamers this weekend: If you're a recovering addict, don't write songs about it. No one wants to hear that shit.

We played a funky, groove-laden set of 60s covers. "Hang on Sloopy," "Slow Down," "Mustang Sally," and, in honor of my pending criminal charge, "Folsom Prison Blues." We kicked ass. Even my favorite drum god, Liberty Devitto, said I didn't suck this time. I hope to have the DVD of the show copied and posted in a few weeks.

Back to Reality Camp on a Monday so sunny and warm, it's certain that my reissued paycheck won't arrive today. Preparations are beginning for court against the collective legal wisdom of Yogi and Panda, Inc., so that I can right the many wrongs done to me and get on with my career as one of the top radio hosts in the USM.

Let's dig into the anguished email bucket and provide another SASAFAQ (Short and Sweet Answers to Frequently Asked Questions):

Were you at Sweet Tomatoes last Thursday?

No. I will find the lookalike and sue him.

Why isn't "Yogi" getting sued by Hannah-Barbera?

Since I'm told he's the catcher, he gets his name from a different Yogi.

Also, Hanna and Barbera are dead.

I just got back in town. What happened?

Oy! Follow the links. They tell about 50% of the full story, but it's a start. Go here and here and here and here and here, if you're into that sort of thing.

Where are you?

I'm at home. Later, I'll be at an attorney's office or at Subway, eating fresh.

Sirius, XM, or radio?

Whomever pays best.

Do you regret your actions?

No. You should ask the predators in this case, but they don't speak English well.

PETEETONG! AT THE STORE

Michael Parnell is a creative person and he wins a free shirt for his efforts.

His Peteetong! shirt design can be purchased at The Regular Guys Store along with so many other great items.

FOR THE GALS

AND MANY MORE!

MINX LINKS

This is our board operator, Alfie With a Touch of the D, who helped me uncover the mystery of the Kelly Brown odors this morning, a rotting sweet and sour sauce packet from her drawer of food utensils so she can eat her smelly goddamn fish dishes every morning.

Fatherless males have been well-chronicled as being a sore spot in our otherwise glorious country, but little has been mentioned about the plight of fatherless females. Let me step in with my observations. They act like 13-year old girls with an unquenchable need for attention. And they keep on making batches of baby dolls to feed, ratcheting up the need for more attention from employers.

This female has a daddy. It's none other than our pal John Rocker making a Wachs sandwich with his super-buff girlfriend today on the show. This surprises a lot of people that Rocker would have a black girlfriend. Aside from the fact that he never said anything regarding blacks in the Sports Illustrated Fiasco of 1999, her body would make even a strong racist weep.

I would hit it with my 72 mph hard one. Rare is the gal who will make me choose to show my grill in public.

In a bizarre twist, a local prosty called at the end of the show to tell Mr. Rocker that he was ruining the fabric of America. Ironic coming from one who stains the sheets of America for a living, but we do need all the compassionate and sopping wet defenders of America and it's fabrics as we can muster these days. Enemies surround us and we still must trust, but verify.

A posting on a local gas pump:

Right next to this other sign:

CARRIE'S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON

Standing before an array of grumpy liberals from the media, stands Laura Mallory of Loganville, who wants to ban Harry Potter books in schools and steal votes from Fred Phelps as Strawman Christian of the Year. 

As Ms. Mallory explains how she will drown her kids in the bathtub soon, behind her stands our own Captain Ponytail, looking for batteries as depicted in today's AJC Metro section.

See those buff arms? Steve says it's from eating plenty of low-fat bologna.

Listen to the revealing and shocking segment....uhhhh....thought it was on the Daily Download...we'll get that up. Watch this space. Here it is.

A caller also mentioned that Steve was on TV at the BOE hearing and was shown nodding off. If anyone has that video, please forward that to the email bucket. Thanks.

Tomorrow:

Why I feel responsible for the Amish shootings.

THE RETURN OF J. POWELL

As of 4:15pm, the Wachs 80 MPH Challenge is still on. The cortisone shots I received in my left shoulder from the wonderful people at Dr. Steve Lobell's office in Marietta is doing there magic. The fumes from the tiny ether rag I keep with me promises to maintain that vague sense of consciousness I will need to function, yet not feel, as my shoulder tears clean off bone with the final of my 3 allotted pitches. The supportive phone calls this afternoon from the President and David Blaine have me mentally ready.

If you have tickets for tonight, see ya there. My first pitch is due at 6:31pm. I'll be at Grady at 6:45. Video of the day's events will be posted here, and at our sister website, 96Rock.com shortly.

THE PASSION OF THE RETURN OF STEVE

The Yeah C'mon's have it.

As of midnight this morning, listeners, readers, and his relatives voted by a sustained 45 point margin to bring back Southside Steve Rickman to the Regular Guys Show. It is binding and he will be joining us on Monday.

We will prepare the weapons of ass destruction and get ready for tomorrow's program.

YEAH COMEBACK?

Southside Steve ^TM Rickman, star of such films as The Greenskeeper, called me the other day to ask he if he could come back to the show. His plans did not work out as planned. I warned him years ago, but people have to live and learn. You can lead a ponytail to water...

A lot of rumors have been swirling around in the past few months about the future of Southside Steve ^TM Rickman, and fueled by the desperate Rodney Ho at the AJC newspaper, many people have come to believe that the die is cast for his return. Not so fast, Chester.

Frankly, this is the first time I've talked to Steven James Travolta in about a year and a half, the last time being when he had the audacity to demand a mulligan during the closest to the pin contest with Rush Limbaugh at Turner Field last season. Thank god Rush couldn't hear what was going on.

I must admit I'm ambivalent. On one hand, the guy was titanically in need of attention owing to how his daddy used to beat him mercilessly for not being the daughter he wanted, and he had a huge fragile ego.

But I do admit that I miss not having someone around to shoot in the ass with a pellet gun if I'm having a bad day. And he is capable of inadvertently providing much-talked about entertainment that people still remember to this day. A sample:

-Throwing his family dog out of a moving car on I-285.

-Using lemons to supress the spread of STDs

-Caught on tape trying to get it on with John Travolta in a hotel room.

-Buying his date a "Thanks for aborting" cake.

-Cashing a check written on a dildo.

So, I'm putting it to you, the people, the listeners, the salt of the earth, the consumers of morning radio entertainment designed to compel you to buy advertiser's products. You decide. Does Rickman come back or does he stay away? As your servant on the public's airwaves, I will abide by your decision. The poll is down the left column.

SEPTEMBER HAIR

Thanks to Tony at "Set It Off Hair Designs," on Candler Rd. in the ATL, for all your hair incitement to violence needs, for the football themed hair that Ms. Kelly Brown is wearing for the month of September.

Y'all like?

ACTUAL EMAIL FROM THIS PAST MONDAY

Name witheld out of pity:

Hello, there.

I was listening to the show this morning and heard you guys talking about the Pentagon being on fire this morning, Sep 11, 2006.

I came to work and told my co workers about it and we cannot find any news anywhere talking about that.....Where did you guys get the info from?

Hope all is well over there!

Regards!

Thanks!

Wow...

Uh, your welcome? 

LET ER RIP

I don't want to know anyone who doesn't know who Rip Taylor is. The Prince of Pandemonium came to visit us as a mystery guest today (sans confetti which was, unfortunately, delayed by Fed Ex), and everyone in the room had a fond memory of "The Gong Show," "$1.98 Beauty Pageant," "Match Game" "Super Password" "Hollywood Squares," "Jackass," or sleeping nude with men.

Even Rodney Allen Rippy stopped by for a reunion:

Here's how it went down today.

FRANCOUER FEELS THE HEAT

I want to thank Jeff Francouer of the Braves for appearing in our studio Tuesday morning.

Jeff is a very friendly young man who exhibits great touch with people which is rare in a lot of celebrity/athletes.

Jeff squatted for me this morning as I demonstrated my pitching abilities.

There's the ole' Jipper!

Not only did Jeff's appearance boost our show's popularity, but due to his influence, I received more good news this afternoon.

Since being validated as a possible 80+ tosser in Jeff Francouer's professional opinion, the Braves have decided that the Wachs 80MPH Challenge is a go! I'm scheduled to throw before the Braves/Mets game on Tuesday evening, 9/26. Three pitches will now be allowed and a lucky fan/listener who can guess my correct speed (or closest to it) will win a VIP field visit and get pictures and photographs with players before the next game. Listen for details tomorrow and over the next few weeks on how to get in.

FOR SUSAN

A conversation held this aftenoon with my niece who's currently sleep-visiting us:

SETTING: Kitchen 6pm. I'm in from running.

ME: Where's everyone?

HER: I don't know.

Did you see anyone pass by?

I don't remember.

Do you know where the exits are in case of emergency?

Right there. (10 feet from the TV)

Good. Do you know where the other one is?

Over there.  (20 feet from the TV)

So you can see the doors?

Yes.

Did anyone you recognize pass through them?

I don't know.

Did anyone you didn't recognize come through?

I don't know. Hey, is there a storm coming or is it getting dark out?

It's 6pm in summer. The darkness combined with wind and heavy clouds would suggest a storm.

Well, I can't see the clouds.

Are you tied down to that spot? We have windows and doors.

No...Oh yeah, it's a storm.

What did you do today?

Nothing. Watched Shaun of the Dead. That was the highlight.

That's something. Ready for bed? You must be exhausted.

I don't want to miss dinner.

What time did you wake up.?

11:00

Was the internet working today?

Yes.

What time were you on it?

11:30. There's a storm, ya know.

Yeah, thanks.

Are the steaks done?

Been.  God, you're so sucked into your work.

That's why we're eating steak tonight.

----------------

Phony media outrage is like Mexican smugglers. One dies, two more take it's place. John Karr's DNA doesn't match the crime scene and no one in Boulder DA is remotely interested in pressing charges. Goodbye, scumbag. Go kill yourself.

Only a week ago we were hearing all the Atlanta connections being made as the local news media took the cue and helped along the vicious killer's story. Such chemistry and cooperation between the two scummy groups honed by decades of sympathizing with a nation's enemies.

"That's right Scott Slade, I'm standing here in the parking lot of a convenience store that John Mark Karr allegedly stopped at once when he allegedly lived in Conyers. It's a key clue in this case that is rapidly coming together here in the newsroom. We'll have more as the role-playing and water cooler speculation continues."

But in it's place arise: Conan O' Brian, Shock Emmy Host...uh...gate, and Survivor Sets Back Race Relations 150 Years....gate.

NBC and Conan had the audacity to run an opening skit on the Emmy's featuring a plane crash. Well, you can imagine how this played in Lexington, KY where a small commuter plane crashed earlier that day. How can NBC do something so insensitive when tens of people are in mourning while watching the Emmys in Lexington, KY? It's their 8/27. It's just a good thing they didn't incorporate any knife or gun humor in the Emmy presentation. Hundreds of people would have complained. I'm going to write a mean letter to them and the producers of "House," while I'm thinking about it. They aired an episode a few weeks ago showing a guy dying in a hospital, and that happened to my uncle two months ago.

Tim Andrews is calling the KY station manager as we speak pretending to be Conan apologizing. We will find the results on tomorrow's show.

If the white tribe doesn't win on the new segregated season of "Survivor," than how can they call themselves a reality show? Let's be honest, because that's what everyone wants isn't? America craves a good "honest conversation" on race, unless, of course, people start to get honest. But in a game called "Life" that's played outside of television, the whites have been the most successful bunch on the planet to date. Of course, that may change in the future, given as how the whites have an enormous appettite for self-flagellation and public apology and the Chinese are making some significant inroads toward common sense and commercial appeal.

The bet with our phone screener Kelly Brown is thus:

If a black person wins on Survivor, I'll pay her $50.

If a white person wins, she has to do my laundry until it's neatly folded. I'll put it away, because I don't want her touching my personal stuff anymore. The last time resulted in a toilet seat that was no longer tenable.

Jeff Francouer will be visiting us at about 8:50 tomorrow morning. I'll be up late making Rice Krispies Treats. Also, a guy who has a website that gets free breast implants for women.

FOR THOSE OF YOU ABOUT TO STEREOTYPE, WE SALUTE YOU

Uptight liberals call them stereotypes. I call them character traits. I offer this picture of calming clarity for all.

Porn Czar and Kelly Brown munching on some peach pah!

200

We had a nice send off for Tim (Virgin Murray) Frasier at the house last night. Except for Kelly (Race Card) Brown taking a shit in the master bath toilet upstairs, and me having to go to Home Depot to purchase a new toilet seat, it was pleasant. I don't know why this gal can't use the guest bathrooms, but we'll find out on Monday. God, is that gross. It's like coming home to find construction workers using your toothbrush.

I really have to buckle down and get in some throwing this week. Saturday (8/26), on the field before the Braves day game, I'm tentatively scheduled to take the 80 MPH Challenge in front of the arriving crowd. They're giving me one pitch to do it, which is odd, because the 3 pitches I proposed doesn't take up that much time. Things in threes are entertaining. It builds drama, and gives me a chance to get my bearings. One pitch, it's over before anyone knows what is going on.

"Why's that bald dude holding his elbow and rolling on the grass? Get him out of here," they'll say. Hey, it's a below .500 club in August. They need to milk it a little. I think I'll bring my checkbook for the guy running the radar gun.

MEET THE BISCUITS

OK, pervs. Here are The Biscuit Girls of Cumming:

You can meet them for yourself at That Biscuit Place in Cumming. The owner, and head rancher, Mark, was kind enough to bring them and food down on Friday. The Biscuit Girls are also scheduled to appear at this Tuesday's Cumming Jews Basketball game, 7pm, at Forsyth County Central Park on Keith Bridge Rd. (306) 1 mile west of GA 400(map below).

Please support your local Jews, no matter where you are, or else America will cease to exist, and these Jews are fighting for their playoff lives at 3-3 on the year.

NUSMAN'S NOLIDAY

What does Ben Bunnyman do when not working at the Double Vison in Hiram, getting drunk and chasing tail?

He goes to other bars and gets drunk and chases tail...and tries to gum married ladies breasts off. It's a holiday, you know.

Thanks for wearing the shirt with the logo of the company for which you are not on the payroll. Looks like it paid big dividends this time, stupid.

Try teeth.

BEAT THE DEVIL RAY

Braves win! Only took 11 innings, 4-3 over Tampa, snapping a 10-gamer. Thank you, god!

Now I do not have to kiss Ben the Bunnyman on the lips Monday morning.

I swear I will eat no more shellfish or pork products this month as promised.

BADA BING!

There's me and Aida Turturro (aka, Janice Soprano) who came by the show the other day. I'd definitely take a roll in the hay with her..and the flour, of course. Yeah, even if she weren't a celebrity from one of the best TV shows of all time, although that certainly factors into my decision.

We have a lot in common: We're both human and like to cover our torsos in public as you can see. That's just for starters. We also both like the Sopranos, and we both like food and shoes. And on and on. I hope she comes back when my transformation into Uncle Junior is complete.

BITTER BIDDER

At a charity silent auction this evening, my mom fought a bidding war with some handicapped people over a Jeff Francouer autographed bat she coveted for my 10-year old nephew, the Yankee fan.

"Who is this person?" she snapped at my wife when she saw the bid sheet with the name of the higher bidder.

"That's the kid you just met in the wheelchair," my wife said. My mom promptly wrote in a higher bid and sat there for 10 minutes to watch the sheet and glare at other suitors for the item, like she was raised by charitable wolves.

The handicapped boy ultimately won the bat, probably because he was the quicker and more agile of the two, but my mom wound up jacking the price the wheelchaired lad eventually paid to where it was just ridiculous. And a lady with the actual disease for which the auction was raising money was also interested, but she dropped out after my mom outbid her, right as the woman was laying down the pen. That's just wrong. Couldn't even wait until the lady was out of sight.

My mom was bitter about the loss after. She kept asking me if I would mind risking my media credential to get another autographed bat for "The Boy Who Has Everything." No. Move on. Hasn't the evening been embarrassing enough? More about this social collapse on Monday's show.

The good news of the evening is I finally got around to that short film of Eric dancing a jig on Thursday when he found out Zarqawi bought the almond farm. Sorry about your eyes. There's some bleach in the cupboard.

Thanks to the readers who emailed their tech expertise.

RAIN DELAY

If anyone knows how to convert the video from Virgin Murray's Treo to .WMV so we can see Eric's anti-Zarqawi dance, let me know. In the meantime, here's a little game to keep you Eric fans occupied until we resolve this obstacle to entertainment.

Which is Eric and which is the convicted child molester?

ANOTHER DISTRACTION FROM HEALTH CARE, HOUSING, AND PLAMEGATE

OH MY GOD!!! THEY'VE KILLED PAVAROTTI!!!

HA-HA! June fool! It's the real killer of Nicole and Ron, Abu Al-Tardcoward! He's all dead, and word is he suffered and bled as our boys roughed him up a bit. Tune in the show tomorrow as we listen to all the left-wing ass-diddlers explain why this isn't good. Maybe the Dixie Chicks will release their new single, "Terrorist Cock in Our Mouths."

And check back here later to view video of Eric dancing with the Iraqi police. It's hot.

NEW AT 96ROCK.COM

Clear Channel has started TRG Daily Download at 96Rock.com. The link is posted under "Wachs Linchs" in the left sidebar.

The segments will be backlogged for a time so you can get to them at your leisure.

Today, Gay Karaoke Satan and Hitler do a medley of their favorite love songs.

KELLY BROWN POLL

Sorry about the lateness of this, but now that we've got it going, there's no turning back.

If you heard Monday's (6/5) show, you heard call screener Kelly "Race Card" Brown declare on our show that "slavery still exists."

Scroll down to the left column all the way at the bottom. Take the poll.

Is Kelly Brown insane?

Results all week starting this morning.

JUST JEW IT!

Coach Bo came by the show today to announce the new season for Cumming Jews Basketball in the Forsyth County Rec League, and to ask for my hand in ownership again. I have agreed to be owner for another year, but if they don't go all the way, this will be my final season.

So, something is at stake here. Fin and I will be out to games for our excellent halftime show complete with shirts and other memorabilia. But this year, we're going all out to entertain the Jews fan and break our attendance record of 134. Ladies, If you want to be part of something bigger than yourself and more fun than a MySpace account, the Cumming Jews are now accpeting applications for our new cheerleading squad for the 2006 season...The Burning Bushes!

If you think you're hot stuff and should be a Burning Bush, send us a photo, and tell us a bit about yourself here.

OY VEY, LET'S PLAY!!!

NY NACE

Look out! Ben the Bunnyman has a MySpace...thing.

Hell yeah! Get 'er done, little buddy! And that's the bottin line.

THE REIGN OF BLAINE

I watched David Blaine try to drown himself on TV last night.

Here's what I learned:

Never underestimate America's fascination with pruny hands.

I set a new record, too. My personal best for watching a man in a tub of water on TV. I broke 40 minutes. I'd like to thank Best Buy for their wonderful TVs, my parents for putting a TV in my bedroom when I was 9, and pot and ice cream for keeping me on the couch. Thank you. Bill Conti and the band are playing me off. Thank you all....

--------------

Word is that John Rocker is "writing" a book called The Truth About Everything.

It's not going to be a coffee table book because those are for fags with AIDS, but a real honest to goodness readin' book, and I for one look forward to curling up on the Number 7 train with it. I hope he mentions me in the chapter called "Jews."

---------

An email from a disgruntled listener named Terri:

Could you please, for the loyal listeners, post a picture of you in the zit hiding hat on the webpage?

I made a total of $5.00 from people who paid to look at my zit, and it would have been more if Eric didn't sneak a free peak after the show before I could cover it with my wife's makeup. He's no good.

Even that little local sultress from American Idol, Diana DeGarmo and her mom paid to see it today. Heard about it on the air. Hopped in the car to stop in unannounced on the show. Diana told me that it reminded her a lot of Ryan Seacrest.

"Yeah, that's great," I says, as my hand memorizes her rib cage for future use.

--------

BREAKING NEWS

Lassie has cancelled tomorrow's appearance on the show. DEVELOPING....

Thanks Sam and Nick Harrell Core Studios

FUPDATE

The FU lines, where everything is discussed and nothing is accomplished, have been re-formatted in the left column for a better listening experience.

Until we decide the idea has no merit, you can listen to the best FUs of the week in a handy digest version. We'll keep a rolling two weeks of FU digests.

CHEW IN?

Watch Wachs Eat Club meeting for April is happening this Thursday, April 27, sometime between 11:30-1pm at Longhorn Steaks...10845 Medlock Bridge Rd, Duluth, GA. Our special guest eater will be Herman of Dunwoody, Eric's arch nemesis. Come by and enjoy the mastication. Stickers available for those who follow the rules and behave.

IF YOU FILM IT THEY WILL WATCH

Since, by law, every frame of film or video that makes it to the screen these days must be fully documented, explored, discussed, and analyzed so that no room is left whatsoever for the imagination to scare people, we too must indulge in the conventions of modern filmmaking. Here's the blooper reel of the RG/Braves TV spots that are currently running.

I'm a little uncomfortable with these TV ads. Not that I don't think they turned out right or they won't benefit us in the ratings. On the contrary, they've been better received than I expected. However, amidst the fun of producing them it's easy to forget that people will see them. Then, they will stare at you everywhere you go. Can't just enjoy a good old-fashioned spelunking of the schnozz without dark glasses on in the car anymore. The end of the innocence.

That horse has left the barn, though, so here's another commercial we did that starts Monday. Just hurry up and send the ransom before they behead us.

Of course, someone at Channel 2 made sure that none of the humor survived an editing holocaust likely designed to protect their sister station, WSB-AM, from us getting a reputation as a less dull alternative to Boortz. Can't say I blame them, but I won't be left holding the bag of sandwiches again.

A school of thought has just coalesced in the past few minutes you've been reading this that says that I may be a little paranoid these days. Let's consider then:

This morning, 5am.  I'm at a red light next to a Red Cross Bloodmobile, and I'm a little nervous. Not a week goes by where you don't read, see, or hear that the Red Cross desperately needs blood donors.  Now, at the light next to the Bloodmobile, I'm wondering what their level of desperation might be. Am I about to be attacked by blood hungry Red Cross ninjas who will pull me out of my car, slice my throat, and hang me upside down over a bucket to replenish an anemic nation?

The green light gods answer my prayer and I drive on, extra vigilant to avoid crossing paths with the Red Cross Sweatmobile.

DRIVING MISS CRAZY

We have received so many requests for our wonderful and timely movie parody about Cynthia McKinney, "Driving Miss Crazy," starring Porn Czar as Morgan Freeman and the Wachs boy as McKinney and Announcer, that I'm posting it here so you can listen until your last laugh comes from tedium or death.

CHUPA CHUPS

Garrett the 40-year old intern got robbed yesterday by the mierdaradors attending the Declaration of War Against America at Plaza de Estupido on Buford Highway here in Aztlanta, GA.. So if anyone believes the news when they try to portray these invaders as peaceful peasants looking for an even break, than I've got the Cynthia McKinney Bridge to sell you. Is it asking too much to leave the Chupacabra alone?

It's especially galling when we have a $1000 reward, amnesty if you will, for the person who returns Garrett's stolen recorder, and the rabble rousers not more than three sheetrocks away at 105.7 down the hall won't let Garrett on the air to beam his message to their listeners, one of whom is clearly the thief.

Once again, it is up to me, the hapless American legal citizen to defend his personal Alamo:

Hey todos usted mexicano sucio. Uno de usted haba que comía bastardos robó el registrador de Garrett cuando él cubría su festival de la criminalidad en su traje de Chupacabra el lunes. Tenemos una recompensa $1000 por la vuelta segura del registrador, ningunas preguntas hechas. Sin embargo, si le encontramos antes de que consigamos el registrador detrás, le emplearemos para el trabajo de la pintura y después no le pagaremos cuando se hace. Tan consiga legal y consiga a ese registrador de mierda de nuevo a nosotros la respiración del taco.

WHAT A MAN WANTS

Nothing like some Saturday TV sports-watching to reset a man and make him feel more manly. And I do feel more manly for having watched the Braves, although with great puzzlement, and now the Masters, albeit with my Sponge Bob pajama bottoms on. It's all about feel.

The Braves starting pitching is real stinky thus far, not traditionally a trouble spot. We have a new pitching coach, coincidentally, and the TBS cameras have had some long lingering shots of him when there's been pitching trouble. They're not looking at him because he rocks back and forth, I assure you. I'm not saying anything, I'm just pointing out an interesting coincidence. But I assure you this. Joey Devine is just not mentally ready for the big leagues yet, and he looks panic stricken in his last two appearances. He's squeezing the hell out of the ball resulting in wild pitches or sliders that move too little, but then move the other way a whole lot. We might as well have re-signed Wohlers just for the nostalgia.

Ken Ray for president. Oscar Villarreal is not eligible.

Go Braves! Opening Day Monday with a special Regular Guys Show broadcast from 5-6pm from the Chop House, home to Atlanta's hottest drunken sluts outside of Wild Bill's and MySpace.

NEW AT THE REGULAR GUYS STORE

The Regular Guys/American Beauties Black T-shirt

EXCLUSIVE!

To hell with Elvis and Bugs Bunny. It's the Official Larry Wachs Postage Stamp as authorized by the US Government. This is valid postage. Order yours and lick me!

NOT A PRANK

After very little thought, I've decided that Norma Lee is banned from The Regular Guys Show^TM. The reason I am doing this is that she has become a big, selfish pain in the neck, and earlier this week she said something on the air to try to get us in trouble with the FCC.

For no reason at all, she asked me on Thursday's show if I like to have my nipples sucked, instead of giving her American Idol report . Maybe she had some refreshments before getting on the phone that morning. And while I do enjoy the sensation of having suction on my aereolas (who doesn't?), that is not appropriate discussion for the public airwaves and keeping my job. Hundreds of thousands of people daily depend on The Regular Guys Show^TM to get them through their day and many are still a bit traumatized by the events of 3/19. You're messing with a lot of people's lives.

Need I also mention Norma's daily barrage of emails, asking for airtime or a stage show, or complaining that some jerk on her message board is pranking her. Go ask Jesus, already! I'm fed up.

And Norma, don't send me any emails either begging for mercy, because I will post every damn one of them.

Let me answer them for you now:

NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!

EAT SOME HAM

More RG commericals have been edited and completed. If you're a busy executive like many of our fan base, and can't get to a TV, or perhaps you just don't know what TV is, here are the new versions of the commercials that will air over the next few weeks

here

and here

and here

and here

I think

you

get

the

drift

knowwhati'msayin?"

--------------------

Look! It's a lady ham!

I would definitely eat that.

Tip of the hat to The Pron Czar for bringing this to my attention. Completely out of character for him, but welcomed.

-------------------

Senator Chip Rogers (R-Woodstock) paid us a visit on Wednesday's show to discuss his bill (now certain to be law in GA) to curtail the Hispanic hijinks.

He was gracious enough to take all callers pro and con and sign yesterday's copy of the AJC with his picture accompanying the top story of the day.

You can purchase this historical document on Ebay.

SNEAK PREVIEW

Some of the Regular Guys/Braves/96Rock TV commercials that start airing tomorrow all over the TV spectrum are completed.

Here's the linky to three of them. There are 2 :15s and 1 :30.

STELLAR DWELLERS

Here are some lovely photos of today's show and Braves Baseball festivities, taken by former Doobie Brother Michael McDonald, whom we found hungry and scared by the side of US-192 on the way in to the stadium this morning.

Kyle Davies fails to appreciate the Wachs facial impression of the recently defenestrated American Idol, Kevin Covais.

Baseball and Dressing Properly for the Weather Guru, Eric Von Haessler, teaches young Kyle Davies a thing or two about life. "Kid, I know what it's like to work with Bobby Cox. Ya see what I have to work with everyday? This asshole Wachs had the nerve to drive 6 miles to a steak house AND grab the check for us last night. Jesus!"

"Dear MySpace,

Today, Fin and I talked to Jeff Francouer. OUR....KNEES....ARE....TOUCHING!!!! For, like, 10 minutes!!!!!! My left. His right. Fin was jealous, I could tell. LOL!!!!!!!!!

The only worse violation of The Code than "Touching Equipment" is "Asking a Player to Say Hi to Your Sister on Your Cell Cause It's Her Birfday."

Would it be a problem if I did an impromptu cup check, sir?

Sound won't suck tomorrow. No refunds if I'm wrong, though. I'm just acknowledging.

For those emailing, "WTF?"  There'll be no explanation forthcoming.  Read Dilbert or watch the Office and gain understanding.

NOW'S THE TIME TO GO PLASMA

Headed down to Orlando for a couple of shows at Braves Spring Training Thursday and Friday. Sorry about the repeats today, but we needed to rest for the drive...yes, DRIVE to Orlando today after shooting TV commericals....yes, TV COMMERCIALS!... yesterday. It's a net gain, I suppose, for us and you the RG listener.  The commericials are the first Regular Guys TV spots since 2000...yes, 2000! Someone finally convinced someone that a bunch of billboards are not enough in today's crowded entertainment marketplace.

The first ones air Monday...yes, MON--sorry...so I will likely not see them before they air. Crew members were laughing during the filming and takes were few, so that's a good sign. See for yourself next week coming to your favorite cable/network/local TV show. Also, there is a distinct possibility that there will be a return of 2002s "The Regular Guy" segments on Fox Sports this summer before Braves games.

Here's a disturbing email from a gent named William of Woodstock:

Dear Regular Guys,

I was recently traveling up Interstate 75 and got pinned behind a mom-mobile.  What once was a perfectly fine GMC Yukon was now covered with a dozen youth bumper stickers.  Inside this mom-mobile were probably 4 screaming kids: 3 boys who played soccer, basketball, and lacrosse (according to the stickers) and a girl who played... well... participated in cheerleading. 

I would say it is because I am a guy and we're all creepy like Larry, but even my wife pointed it out:  the cheerleading sticker was composed of a megaphone standing on end with two strategically-placed pom poms on either side. 

Since this revelation, I have seen dozens more parading up and down the interstates.

Am I just creepy, or are a bunch of moms completely ignorant to the phallic symbol they proudly display for their darlings?

William, I agree that today's teens are oversexualized and it's not fair to men such as you and me to have these carrots constantly dangled in our face, knowing that we will end up with the stick as well. I've started a new group that will crusade to keep kids kids, until they are mature enough to handle the rigors of being followed on I-75 by gentlemen, or gathering with MySpace associates for cocktails. 

Fathers Urging Control of Kids will be lobbying the Gold Dome mightily in the months ahead. Thus far, the media has ignored us in favor of annoying groups like those bitches at MADD, probably because they make money off of this trash, but with your help, we can make giant strides in the fight against ourselves.

SUNDAY CONVERSATION

First, my deepest apologies to the listening audience who had to suffer through an almost unbearable broadcast on Friday for St. Patrick's Day. I'd like to say we made the sound really crappy on purpose to make you feel like you were drinking without actually having to do so, but I don't think anyone would buy that. Oh, believe me, if I thought you would buy it, I would certainly lie.

The sound quality, and cheap-ass equipment that a major-market radio station insists their franchise morning show use for remote broadcasts, is not the real reason we will not be doing these live party shows anymore. We're going back to the old way of taping live bar shows the night before and replaying them the next morning. It cuts down on a lot of problems, such as:

-shitty turnout.

-most people can and will drink at night.

-getting sleep on a Friday morning.

-ambient cursing and the prospect of further unemployment.

This is assuming we do them at all. There's nothing worse than going on remote and doing a show that sounds nothing like what people are accustomed to. So we'll probably have more parties, and we'll probably have more location shows, but very seldom will we do any more live morning party shows.

-------------------

They must have a real love of Cuba at ESPN. Wouldn't surprise me. It's owned by ABC and once employed that tin asshat Keith Olbermann. During the Cuba/DR WBC baseball game in swarthy Puerto Rico, ESPN cut away to live cameras in Havana showing their well-fed and medicated citizens enjoying the game on Cuba's only TV set.

First, the whooping and hollering was mistaken for joy at Cuba being up 2-1, instead of what it clearly was--the citizen hostages overjoyed that their cries of help will be seen by the outside world.

Then, one of the two, Jon Miller or Joe Morgan, made this observation during a shot of an empty looking downtown Havana, which could easily have been a slide of Miami 1956.

"Everyone is staying indoors for this one."

As if this weren't Havana on a normal day! And Saturday to boot.

Oh, yeah, ya see, normally it's a bustling scene when baseball isn't on. People going to their busy private sector jobs. Entrepeneurs hustling for venture capital running into garment workers with racks teeming with designer dresses and coats.  Just not on baseball championship day in the Banana Republic. Yeah, everyone is just glued.

--------------------

Two things I like about BP stations with the Wild Bean Cafe. First, they have some delicious fresh hot panini sandwiches to start your day. Second, they have those shady looking third party, non-bank affiliated ATMs. The kind where you can actually hear the modem dialing the central computer for validation. It gives me the feeling that I may just not get my money, and when I do, it's sweet, like winning at slots in Vegas.

-----------------

The Sopranos just gets more and more brilliant. It's a good thing. Why else would one tolerate the two year hiatus in the narrative? It's worth it.

Mobsters debating Uncle Junior's fate after shooting Tony as if it were the Supreme Court debating whether the mentally ill should get the death penalty.

A closeted gay mobster commenting on another wiseguy who committed suicide:
"Maybe he was a homo and didn't feel like he could talk to anyone about it."

Anthony Junior being reamed by his mom for getting kicked out of school for bad grades:
"While you you're father's in a coma..."
You can almost hear her thinking, "Wait until your father gets out of his coma."

------------------

This week we go to Orlando for shows from Spring Training on Thursday and Friday. I'm hoping to get John Schuerholz on and talk about his book that explains how he's done things for the past 15 years. It's little like a peek inside the Wonka factory without the creepy overtones of a grown man showing children how he packs fudge.

SHORTEST BLOG EVER

Show recaps are now here.

ATTRACTIONS THAT ARE COMING

Now that The Regular Guys Show has made the mountains safe for decent people and capitalists everywhere, we're back to tackling the big prize...entertaining the good hard-working people of the ATL and North Georgia.

We've got a big couple of weeks on the way to tell y'all about.

---------------

It's Redneck Christmas this week as NASCAR comes to Atlanta Motor Speedway. This week's guests include

NASCAR TV commentator Benny Parsons

Greg Biffle

as well as Bud Shootout winner Denny Hamlin.

Also joining us this week are movie nudity expert Mr. Skin, Lou Ferrigno, Braves announcer Chip Carey with a Spring Training update, Norma Lee reviews the new Sopranos episode, and Homeless Karaoke.

----------------

Listener Mark in Suwanee sends the following opinion via email:

This week [during the Vacation Tapes] I heard interviews with Paul Bremer, Presidential envoy to Iraq, Jeff Foxworthy, and a missionary stripper. I think, to get this much entertainment anywhere else, I would have to watch cable news, buy a DVD and look at a centerfold. Once more, the Regular Guys give the best entertainment value in town. Great job, guys. Keep up the good work.

Indeed. But for you very sensitive people, still reeling from the events of 3/19/04, and scared of a repeat of that tragic year everytime we take some time off, we've scheduled a bonus Regular Guys Show, Saturday night (3/18), live from Atlanta Motor Speedway from 7-11pm. We'll talk with drivers, lot lizards, and race fans.

----------------

That will be after we recover from the events of Friday morning, 3/17/06.

6-10am is the Regular Guys' St. Patrick's Day Bender, live on the air from The Loafing Leprechaun on Sugarloaf Parkway in Duluth. Blow off work, get hammered. Win a trip to Ireland.

Among the attractions that morning are Comedian Jim Norton, Ben the Bunnyman Unplugged, Space Ghost, and Irish comedians Jack Cowley and Joe Rooney.

---------------

Coming up next Thursday and Friday (3/23,24) The Regular Guys Show hits the road, live from Orlando and Braves Spring Training '06. Included will be a special Watch Wachs Eat Club in Orlando on Friday for RG/Braves fans in the area. Keep it here for restaurant choice and location.

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Speaking of Watch Wachs Eat Club, this week we will meet again. This meeting will be on a Thursday, March 16th, sometime between 11:30am and 1pm. You can Watch Me Eat Lunch at The Rising Roll, 11417 Haynes Bridge Rd, Alpharetta. The sandwiches are huge and tasty, and the bathrooms are very clean.

As always per the official rules of WWEC, no talking to me until I have completed my meal. Stickers will be available at all times, donations in the Baseball Hat of Desire will be welcomed, and questions, answers, and photo-taking after eating. No whiners, carpers, or snowboarders.

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March 30th, TRG Show kicks off the 96Rock Workforce Payroll. This is about the easiest cash you can earn without giving money to a mediocre student HOPE-ing to go to college. Here's how it works:

You must be a Gold Club member. Sign up here.

Every hour, weekdays, 9-5, we call a name. If it's yours, and you respond in 10 minutes, you get $96.

You will recive $96 every hour of the workday unless and until someone else responds and knocks you out of the payroll....and so on.

More details.

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TRG Daily Show Recap will be available after all starting this week. We've decided to make a seperate site and link to it from here. When it's up, we will direct you where to click.

AHHH, SCREW IT

What was I thinking?

The Daily RG Show Recap has been halted after one day. That's gotta be a record of some sort.

"Shortest time for a regular blog feature?"

The blog is too long and scrolls other stuff off too fast, readers have been bitching how clumsy and unappealing it is, and the Porn Czar, apparently off the Adderall, has failed to send me the notes for Friday. So that ends that for now. Man, I forgot how good it feels to blame others once in awhile.

Note to self: Blame others more. Take responsibility less.

Laugh. See if I care. More ratings came back yesterday and they were quite good despite having more pretenders to the throne in the month of January. Keep it up people. I may be able to pay for my house after all.

I'm going to a place with difficult access to Wi-Fi or broadband. If only I had my geography doll handy to show you the place where net access won't be touching me. Really roughing it this trip. Not sure if the computer is coming along, so I'll leave you with a new feature of RG.com that may also last only a
day...we'll see.

Stuff I Found in My Drawer....

That's me in 1982 when I was dating a terrorist chick. Hey, when in Iran...
Dig what my anti-American follicles were producing.

Captions welcome.

Hosea Williams had some integrity unlike the other local civil rights clowns (McKinney, Lewis, Jackson) who took to politicizing and hustling long after the need for such activism had passed. I'll never forget what he told Eric and me shortly after first meeting him in 1998.

"Dr. King loved the pussy," Hosea told us. And that is something that keeps the dream alive.

More when I return, if not sooner. Enjoy the Vacation Tapes, and no whining. We'll be back next week with no breaks in the show until July. Not even Eric's tummy aches will stop us.