House of Wachs

THE A**HOLE MYSTIQUE

I’ve had it with the Barack Obama myth.

Geraldine Ferraro had it about right, but she fouled it off. Yeah, Barack Obama is getting ahead of that dear sweet old lady, Hillary Clinton, partly because he’s perceived as black. But, so what? Isn’t that only leveling the playing field when Hillary is working her glass ceiling con?

They both represent grievance groups. The guy from the slave people vs. the lady from Feministicism. It’s a wash.

What Geraldine was trying to say was that Barack Obama is an a**hole. You might say that Hillary is one, too, and you’d be correct. I might add that she’s been an obvious a**hole for many years. What’s really propelling Obama’s rise is not his skin hue, but the fact that most of the public doesn’t realize what an a**hole he is just yet.

All the signs are there. The inexperience. The untenable Marxist ideas. The wife deeply suspicious of whites, and the capper this week, the revelation of the Pat Robertson level reasoning, mouth foaming, brow sweating, America-hating preacher in Obama’s inner circle of advisers. Of course, apologists for such behavior will blame conservatives for making a big deal out of nothing.

“Hey, Obama didn’t say it.” Of course not.  Obama was just watching and occasionally having long private conversations with this virtual stranger. Now, that Mitt Romney… Whoo, boy! THAT was a crazy kinda Christian. You need to look into that Mormonism. I believe they take several wives at a time, they do.

Jimmy Carter was a jerk who got lucky by following a slimy Republican and running against a statue who pardoned the slimy Republican. He was folksy and southern, and America’s lefties, feeling guilty for treating the ancestors of slave-holding crackers in such disregard for years, felt obliged to help the South rehab itself  by encouraging the folksy, New South Carter into high office. Problem was, Carter disliked Jews and was a coward in the face of dictators. It wasn’t until he was in office and scolding America for not wearing sweaters that America figured out what an a**hole he was.

Obama is an a**hole whose time will come soon enough, so let’s set that aside and inspect the aftermath of an a**hole whose time has come and gone.

The Governor who wanted to be an Emperor, Elliot Spitzer, made the quickest exit from public life since Bud Dwyer, but I think The Spitz will be plenty OK after all this dies down. Fans of injustice will recall that, before he was Attorney General and Governor of NY, he was well known by many to be a plain a**hole  with money. Now that he's back to being a plain a**hole with money,  I'm sure the adjustment won't be so difficult for him.

Ms. Ashley Dupre, fresh from allowing Mr. Spitzer to give her an exit poll, has left Manhattan what with the media hounding her because they are outraged she's taken jobs from illegal Mexicans and Koreans.

She will now calmly and rationally, with her team of porn advisors,  ponder the many career offers that are pouring in from oil companies, think tanks, the military, research laboratories, Microsoft, Google, and Bill Clinton.

She's gonna be OK in life. Her problems are over. Now, she'll earn enough to keep her in clubs, drugs, and 24-hour diners until she reaches her expected life span of 37. Besides, no one I know disputes that her pop single is a monster #1 hit, so she's got some back up cash in case a protracted bidding war heats up between Saudi princes and hedge fund managers.

Remember her philosophy as summed up in her pithy MySpace page maxim. "What destroys me, strengthens me." How true. Who amongst us doesn’t gain strength from being destroyed? Look at Elvis. Falling off a toilet seat to his death was about the wisest decision he ever made.

So whether it’s the rap desperadoes she hangs out with who eventually manage to go through all her money, or the GNP of Peru that turns her vascular system into a human Ganges, Ashley Alexandra Dupre Youmans Romo is made from the stuff of survival. No, don't cry for her, America.

But has anyone given any thought during this mess to how all this must make Ashley's cousin feel? It must be torture being the cousin of a high dollar prostitute. All those years of, "I want to, but I can't" has now suddenly become "I EASILY COULD HAVE!!!" (groan)

Tough break, kid. But look at the bright side. If no relative made those late night visits to sis' room, America would still be without it's first blind governor. You can't argue with progress, even when it seems like it's dirty and illegal.

SOME TIME FOR REMARKS

There was Michelle Obama on TV, boldly telling America that she was proud of us for the first time and that saying her husband's middle name of "Hussein" is off limits. Bitch, who do you think you are?

Why can't Barack Hussein Osama control his wife? Why can't Bill Clinton?  My wife decides to start her own morning show after I'm done? BAM!

Another entitlement junkie we got here with this Obama chick. She's learned nothing from the fall of Hillary the Inevitable.

Insinuating that Barack Obama has ties to our enemies by publicly saying his middle name "Hussein," is off limits. However, insinuating that John McCain had an affair with lobbyists, and may not be eligible for the presidency because he was born in Panama is fair game.

And what's the penalty for not obeying? A scolding from people I intensely dislike?

After careful consideration, I have decided to continue my referring to Barack Obama as "Hussein Osama." Oh, it'll be rough withstanding the mocking and withering stares of people who are scared of Democrats, but I think I'll be able to pull through.

Is this how Obama would handle international affairs? Will he scold our enemies for not playing fair with nothing to back it up?

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I also sat in wonderment and some embarrassment as one of Clinton Racing's top drivers, John Lewis of GA, pulled some Shake and Bake by announcing he was going to throw his Superdelegate cape over Barack Obama.

Even the reporter was astonished at his assertion that changing allegiances from the Clintons was harder than walking in protest at Selma, AL in the 60s.

What a remarkable statement he's making. Walking over a bridge in the 1960s in Alabama knowing you will get your ass kicked by the force of law, is easier than screwing over the Clintons? I would think just the opposite.

Does that mean the Clintons are meaner than the crackers who bashed in Lewis' head in the 60s in Alabama?

God help John Lewis if the Clinton's somehow win.

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The glorious news is that Jamie-Lynn Spears, known as 'the normal Spears' on account of her only being pregnant at 16, has passed her GED. That's Grade Equivalency Diploma for people in Roswell. At least the grad party was top shelf with all the GEDers getting it on courtesy of their ultra cool parents with their condoms at the ready.

My money was on STD or IUD before GED. Despite this setback, I'm going to wager that DVD is in her future.

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I heard overheard two classics this weekend.

At a dull party with good food several nights ago, (WTF has "couples showers?" That is way beyond what decent society requires.) I sat with the other men who didn't want to be there while we smoked and ate and talked about war and golf while staring at "Wedding Crashers" on TBS.

The scene on the screen during a lull in conversation was a montage of Vince Vaughn and his buddy Owen Wilson making out with all these chicks they meet at weddings.

A 75-year old guy said to me, "They're just bangin' everybody, aren't they?"

Yes, they are. Classic.

The other one was with Southside Steve on the golf course. Steve was bitching about how Eric always mocks him and he was particularly harsh the other day during one of his many mistakes. He said he felt like he was a Jew being brought to the showers by the constant persecution of Eric the Nazi, but it came out like this:

"I felt like a Jewish person being dragged into the bathrooms."

Classic.

LARRY THE KING

OK, fuck it. I changed my mind. Man's prerogative. My last post brought nothing but negative reaction and embarrassment. Burger King brought back the Whopper.

I will post when I get the chance, and right now I have the chance. Rejoice.

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In Whole Foods I saw a magazine with big fat Paula Deen on the cover. What is healthy about her cooking? Organic lard?

Why is it that Whole Foods doesn't carry People Magazine at their checkout stands? What religion are they running in there that gossip and humor are in the same category as trans-fats?

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Everytime I jog past this one house in my neighborhood, a crazed poodle (I think it's Korean owned which explains the neuroses) leaps out of the bushes and acts like an asshole toward me. It can't go very far or else it's electronic collar zaps it. Ethically, I have no problem teasing the dog so it shocks itself over and over again until it learns. Get some manners crazy poodle!

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On the news, I heard a reporter give the grim story of how an inner city youth named DeAnthony was killed in some inner city mischief. I can't help but think that his name had a little something to do with the fact that he was DeAnthonized. When you name your kid in the negative such as DeAnthony, or UnShawn, or Nochelle, you have to understand that you are putting a target on their back. Henceforth, I am calling my daughter, Proretha.

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At the QT one recent morning:

CLERK: 53 cents is your change. Come on back.

He left the register to go to the back room of the store, so I followed him. Maybe I won a prize for being a polite customer.

CLERK: WTF are you doing back here?

ME: You told me to come back.

Turns out that's what they tell people to make them return to the store in the future.

We had a good laugh about the mix-up and he invited me to sit on the milk crates with him and look at a copy of Juggs magazine he stole from the rack up front.

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Police station cars outside of bars on the theory that dangerous drivers will be leaving the parking lots late at night. That may be true, but my experience of late is that more dangerous drivers are leaving hospitals than bars and nightclubs. Twice in the past two weeks, I've swerved to avoid women crying as they leave the hospital. God knows what goes on in there, but it makes them lose control of themselves. Women, disease, driving. That's a deadly cocktail, friends.

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Hey, Gator fans who get Georgia plates with the Gator logo. I'm buying a pack of Sharpies to keep in the car. Just lettin' ya know. Isn't it enough that you steal our water? You want a Florida tag? Move to GODDAM FLORIDA!!!

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Billy Ray Cyrus recently apologized for his daughter, Hannah Montana, not wearing seatbelts in her movie...in 3D yet!!! I appreciate the sentiment, but I can handle this.

Well, Daddy. Hannah Montana doesn't wear seat belts. (LOUD BELT NOISE ON KID'S ASS)

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Here's a photo of Gary Coleman getting married.

Gross!

The gays must be really pissed. It's really rubbing their noses in it when this marriage can occur but their's cannot.

KIND NEWS NUGS

I have witnessed this countless times. Someone on TV, or at a gathering, will refer to black Africans--people living in Africa, never set foot on our soil--as African-Americans.

On a parallel correctness track, there are all those people who have looked at me like I'm an idiot when I've referred to white people from Africa who live here now as African-Americans.

Here's a variation on that old nugget. In Maryland, the governor has proposed a special driver's license for illegals. From the report:

Undocumented immigrants would not be able to use their license to board airplanes, enter federal buildings, or cross borders.

Ummm...wouldn't having a driver's license make them documented immigrants? Undocumented has now completely replaced illegal in the English language for Impractical-Americans from every country.

Oh, it's also a dipshit idea. We'll make it so you can drive amongst us in a vehicle made of ladders, but don't do something dangerous like go back to Mexico or enter government buildings. Oh, OK.

Mark this day on your calendars. January 15th, 2008. The day a local sports team has done something correct and pleasing for the first time since 1998.

The Braves' AAA team is moving from Richmond to Gwinnett County for the 2009 season. It makes too much sense. I won't believe it until I see the stadium rise from Sugarloaf Parkway.

AAA baseball was where I caught my first professional foul ball on a 30 degree April night in Rochester in the 1980s. In fact, I got two that night. There were only 27 people there, and I think everyone else got three, so it wasn't the thrill I'd thought it'd be. Still, I have never caught one in a major league park.

Minor league baseball is affordable and intimate. The security hangups are few. You see the talked about stars of the next few years, and, in this case, don't have to live in a shitty town where eating at Chipotle is exotic. Best of all, Braves fans don't have to drive 28 miles in tremendously frustrating traffic and low level APD flunkies with their ever-changing rules on parking, and then walk through poverty's laboratory to get to the game.

Good job, Braves. It makes up for the hell you helped make of my life while working for Clear Channel.

I heard a commercial on the radio for Lifelock. I'm not familiar with the product, but it's supposed to protect you against identity theft, according to the ad. Rush Limbaugh even endorses it and says it guarantees your identity will be safe from predators or you get $1 million if Lifelock fails you.

It sounds good, but here's the catch as I see it. Who gets the $1 million dollars? Wachs or the person who's pretending to be Wachs? Because if my identity is breached, there's nowhere I can deposit the check. Do they hand you a suitcase full of bills?

Here's Bill Clinton giving a speech surrounded by teen girls. Well, they keep giving pills to Britney. What could go wrong?

Did he let an SBD or did he mind rape her?

"It's hot in here," he says. So take off all your clothes. Everybody's thinking it. Smooth.

Then he turns around and asks the teens if THEY have any questions about middle class tax cuts. It just so happens that's what Jeri with the cute top and shiny dirty blonde hair is thinking about these days. Bill cares. It's getting REAL hot in here. And if you can't stand it, GET OUT!

Where did Nurse Chelsea take the girl, and what are they doing with the Chelster in the campaign? She's not allowed to speak to anyone, but she's always around.

Depending on their perception of how they are polling with the American public, I think the Clintons have something up their sleeve, and will use her as a key prop in some unconscionable stunt that will place the nation's pity on that poor, grieving, close knit family, the Clintons, and make them king and queen once again. Chelsea will be the South Park Kenny.

Don't ask me what exactly is going to happen. It's just a hunch. Maybe they'll release Hinckley for a few days to take some pot shots at her and highlight the flaws in the 2nd amendment. Maybe she'll slip on some meat and hit her head to point out the flaws of free market health care. Maybe they'll just stick her on a MARTA train that breaks down for hours with no A/C in a scary neighborhood to point out the need for more public transport funding. I don't know. But she's there for a reason.

Good night and great news.

THE UPSIDE TO DUI

Just got back from a mission in St. Maarten, where George Stein and I go once a year to teach Judaism to the poverty stricken natives. If you're ever there, and see kids walking around in their copyright infringing ghetto wear and yarmulkes...that's our work. George and I are committed to getting the island's first synagogue up and running by next Yom Kippur. Please. Donate.

We stayed, of course, in George's modest home on the French Side.

Where crazy-eyed French-speaking guard cats prowl the premises and take no prisoners.

I bought this print for my wife out of love, and guilt that she wasn't on the trip.

Let me first acknowledge that it's a really lousy painting. It doesn't lift an emotional finger whatsoever. It's a painting with utterly no passion. Devoid of any inspirational markers. Revealing of no influences or perspectives.  It's not even good enough to be a children's picture despite the inherently low standards of children.

That's a wave in the middle. Not a seagull. They don't have seagulls down there, which is a bit of a shame since I like chucking rocks at them. But the beach is not rocky, but powdery, so it's just as well.

I paid $36 bucks for it because it happens to be a painting of an island on which I got it on with my wife during our honeymoon.

I persuaded her to go to the titty beach, which is so romantic and not creepy, coercing your new bride to go look at flabby old nude couples from Europe show off their raisins.

Well, I got aroused anyway. It wasn't the nudity, because much of it was the unfortunate kind. It was the idea of being able to run around completely nude in front of people and no one cared or laughed. It's as close to being invisible as one can get. It got me really excited.

Since nudity and not porno was allowed on the beach, we waved down a boat driven by a native with a giant package. For a small fee, he ferried us to the island in the picture above, about a minute away, where we went behind a rock ( on the right hand side) and got it on. Man, that was great.

Over the years, I never thought my wife could possibly have enjoyed it as much as me because it really is a man's pirate fantasy, and because I kept slamming her hip into the rock with every thrust, so she must have been banged into that rock about 4 times! Ouch!

My suspicions were confirmed, I'm sad to report upon my arrival. My wife hates the painting. I felt so terrible. And she made a wonderful warm bowl of cabbage soup for me, too for my arrival back into the colder weather of reality. She promised to hang it in our beach house when we get one, which is not looking all that good right now.

I might ask my Dad if I can put it in his beachfront mausoleum. That's class. Putting a print of where you first boned your wife in your parent's home.

Another busy week of What's Your Story? coming up, so I'm gonna go and look busy and sift through the week's parade of newsism, now.

ZOEY 102

Boyfriend of pregnant teen Jamie Lynn Spears could face statutory rape charges.

"It's your dick in a box!"

There they are. The puppy lovers in the doghouse. I'd name the kid Jesus, with it being the most controversial pregnancy since.

This dude will never be able to get it up anytime soon. He'll have flashbacks like he was in a Vietnamese Prisoner of Sex Camp. He may be the Tony Conigliaro of sex.

Why wasn't this the cover of NOT OK! Magazine?

I had a discussion with a doody head today who's outraged, not that Jamie Lynn was pregnant, but that people would be outraged by Jamie Lynn being pregnant.

"Big deal. Why don't they go after drug dealers?" They don't anymore? Sweet.

If that's the position any of you chuckleheads are thinking about taking in your quest to be the go to guy in the office for opinions on popular culture, here's the upside. Most people will think you are spelunking minors yourself. Not all. Just most. Careful there, Maverick.

And since when did people who advocate a laissez faire approach to statutory rape suddenly become anti-drug warriors?

Say no to drugs, but yes to Ashley. Do I have that right? 

OOPS! AGAIN

Britney Spears' 16-year old sister is knocked up. Words fail. Let me gather myself.

Lynne Spears, already grandmother to Britney's young sons, says: "I didn't believe it because Jamie Lynn's always been so conscientious. She's never late for her curfew."

How about her period? Any opinion on that?

There's your problem source right there. The mom who is under the impression that kids won't screw before 10pm. Then she wonders why her daughters treat their parts like a Greek diner.

OK, enough. I'm saving the rest of my comments for this week's year-end episode of What's Your Story taping tomorrow and streaming on Friday.

"So if you shave your head, I have to get pregnant?"

HURRY UP AND SCREW! SCREW UP AND HURRY!

Here's a story about a 29-year old grandmother in Quad Cities, IA....the person on the right....uhhh, I think.

Look, I'm all in favor of helping cruel stereotyping disappear from our society, but come on, folks. Help out a little, would ya?  What? You have a lake of semen in the backyard?

Russell Eugene is 1 day old.

His mother is 15.

She fidgets with a bottle of milk as she talks.

Then, sitting up straighter in bed, she asks, “When do you think I can play basketball again? I want to go out for the team at school.”

Oy vey!

New vocabulary word: NEVER. It means, "not ever."

Back at home with her mother and brothers, Celia — wearing pajamas and a do-rag that covers her hair — holds the baby. Her tank top shows off two black tattoos on her arms.

One, which winds down her forearm, reads “Tish,” her mom’s nickname. Another, below her shoulder, reads “Manica Magee,” which is the teen’s rap name.

Leticia told the girl she could get inked if she kept her grades up. They went to Chicago to get it done.

“She earned them,” Leticia said, nodding her head.

It's like watching the Munsters where everything horrific is perfectly normal.

"Oh, Herman. Eddie got a D in math, so I let him dig up the graveyard. Isn't that wonderful?"

"HAWHAWHAW...Lilly, that boy is a chip off the old slab...HAWAHAWHAWHAW."

(house shakes, ceiling tiles and dust fall, never to be replaced)

ABSTAINING FROM LOGIC

Here's a nice and stupid headline:

Report: Abstinence programs don't work

Yeah, they do. How does this idea get published? Not doing something results in more of the activity?  Try it sometime. See how many chicks you get preggers when you don't have sex with them. I'm interested.

Of course a program doesn't work if people aren't sticking with it. It's not the program's fault. Do these social scientists blame the treadmill for not being trod upon when someone is obese?

The study found that while abstinence-only efforts appear to have little positive impact, more comprehensive sex education programs were having "positive outcomes" including teenagers "delaying the initiation of sex, reducing the frequency of sex, reducing the number of sexual partners and increasing condom or contraceptive use."

Oy vey! The elusiveness of simplicity. When you give people something for free, they will use more of it. And the more people engage in an activity, the better the odds that something will go awry.

Think of sex as donut holes instead. If the newspaper said, "People eating less holes," you'd rightly conclude that the culprit for this was abstinence from eating donut holes.

And if some expert said, "Well, the reason people are eating less holes is because the government is giving them free liposuction," you'd think him batshit.

Abstinence works. Ya just gotta do it. Or not do it...whatever.

UM.....NOW WHAT?

Genarlow Wilson is free...to do what now?  What exactly are we celebrating?

He was convicted and sentenced to 10 years in prison for having oral sex with a 15 year-old. He was a minor, too, so according to the prevailing winds, that makes it OK.  Served three years before the bleeding hearts and his attorney named BJ got him out.

Do you think he'll be getting anymore blow jobs from anyone under 18 from now on? It's hard to say. The only real lesson he's seemed to draw from this is that a justice system that seeks to protect naive minors from sexual predation is one to be ridiculed.

What message are the 15 year old girls getting from this outcome? Reporters aren't asking. They are too busy celebrating this great victory over morality.

The news media has framed this case as that of a young black man unfairly hassled by a backward Christian view of morality imposed on all of us forward thinkers, by a troglodyte state that is embarrassing to live in because it's not enlightened like NY and California, places where the cost of living is low, the air is clean, and everyone gets along.

From the AJC:

Wilson, who served nearly three years of a 10-year sentence, may be the most extreme example of a teenager entrapped by the state's regressive sex laws.

As opposed to the progressive sex laws that they have in North Utopia where anyone with pubic hair can partake of sex without any consequence. I've gotta update my Garmin because I can't find it on these maps.

Is it of the Dark Ages to create obstacles for males to get blow jobs from 15 year old girls? 

But Wilson is not the only young offender caught in a maze of draconian sex laws. Many young people are trapped on the state sex offender registry for nonviolent and consensual sex acts as teens.

Kind of a shot in the dark, but wasn't the sex offender registry voted into federal law by almost unanimous margins in both houses of Congress and signed by the President in 1996? Wasn't there ample time to put in a provision to excuse minor horny teens such as Genarlow? We had a president who could empathize.

According to your liberal reporter, our sex laws are not just regressive, but  "draconian," too. Let's make a sentence out of that view but substitute regressive and draconian with their synonyms. Repeat after me.

It is backward and excessive to punish minors for having sex with 15 year olds.

What do you think? Put your politics to the side. I don't care what party you belong to. It's not relevant.

Do you feel comfortable about having your 15 year old give blow jobs? What progress is going to come of that? That's how you got your high-paying job, right?

I've seen the cool and non-confrontational parents hand out the birth control devices. The results have been uniformly awful.

It's just basic. It doesn't take a degree. You could be getting lucky behind the school in lieu of attending class and still understand this. The more a behavior is subsidized, the more of it there will be. In practical terms, giving a birth control device to a minor is also giving them permission to do it more. Go to Vegas and see what your odds of losing are the more you play.

Contrary to pop belief, adulthood is not conferred on minors by encouraging risky behaviors as physical maturity approaches. Adulthood is achieved by learning the art of restraint and self-control. Picking your moments and knowing there will be plenty of chances to shine.

I'm going to side with Draco on this one.