House of Wachs

REJECTED

Damn.

I really liked this bit, but it was rejected by CNN's standards and practices for "What's Your Story?" Ep. #19, taping tomorrow.

That's why there's the internet. When things get censored on the internet, they still can be viewed on the internet.

CBS golf announcer Bobby Clampett called golfer Liang Wen Chong, a "Chinaman."

Clampett later apologized, saying it was bad timing to make such remarks while people were watching a South African beat Tiger Woods in a tournament called the Masters.

That's show biz. And let me just take this moment to point out that, contrary what you've heard, there are plenty of businesses just like it.

CLINTON STEALS

My old pal Tim Conway, Jr. who can be heard weeknights from 8-11pm Pacific in Los Angeles on KLSX,(97.1FM) and on the web, emails a complaint.

"Hey, that Clinton is stealing my dad's act!"

Well, I sure as hell won't be voting for him to be president this year. Not after this.

HIDES IN PLAIN SIGHT

Great episode tonight of "Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency." Did you see it?

Janice invites the organizers from the LA chapter of PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) to come in to strong arm her agency and all the models into giving up fur.

So the PETA guy tells all the models that his job is to go undercover to investigate the practices of fur makers. It's easy to see how he could sneak unnoticed into their farms and factories what with his inconspicuously blonded surfer haircut, colorful surfer blouse, and madras cargo shorts. The same disguise that helped him infiltrate GLAAD while he was working for Scientology.

He wants Janice's guys and gals to go outside to Hollywood Blvd. and take off their clothes in protest of fur, on the theory that the best way to convince the fur wearing public to abandon wearing fur is for hot men and women to threaten them with nudity.

"I don't know, Darryle. If we continue to wear fur those hot guys with great abs and big shaved ones over there might take off their clothes and start teabagging. Maybe we should stop."

It's a tribute to the horniness of guys that not a single male model questions the motivation of the dreamy PETA organizer.

As if these professional attention-cravers need anymore convincing to go nude on Hollywood Blvd, the PETA soldierette then shows the emotionally fragile group a video about how furs are made.

And it's all this footage of some busted up animals getting skinned alive in the 80s at some rogue fur outfit, likely in the Third World, by people who have been languishing in a Burmese prison since 1986, and they strawman it as representative of the entire fur industry. And if it weren't for these evil fur people, why, these animals would be free to run their own businesses and take their kids to the mall and get regular checkups from a family physician at a low universal price.

I don't think the crying was any less than the day Freddie Mercury died.

Then Janice tells the models--only because it's required by law--that any model who wishes to retain their dignity and opt out of the festivities, could do so without retribution. HA!

One shyly does, and she is immediately crucified by the still red-eyed males around her.

"I'm just curious," says one bossy hugo. "Why did you choose not to help? I don't understand"

"Let me ask you," she replies. "Why do you choose sex with other men? I don't understand."

No, I made that part up. She didn't say that. That's what I would have said to this Speedo clad bully. Tend your own garden, Lollipop.

After the nude anti-fur rally, which results in a sharp increase of animals being beaten for their pelts, it's back inside the agency for champagne and poppers to celebrate the top notch morality work they have performed for mankind and the all the little creatures of the forest who lie still with their skulls caved in.

Every episode a riot. It's like watching a society on Neptune with this show.

I didn't read her book, but I understand that Janice Dickinson has been a victim of bad men, and that's tough on a gal. I like Janice. She looks fun and she's very smart and experienced, but she hates herself. She's very crude and tough. Not at all soft and graceful as a woman of her age should be if she were comfortable with herself. We saw what happened to Heath Ledger after bad experiences with men. He didn't even get an Oscar for that. Ya gotta give a guy an Oscar if he takes a rogering in a movie. They gave one to Daniel Day-Lewis and all he had to do was learn to paint with his feet. Big deal.

So, Miss Janice, I would suggest that the best way to deal with the demons of being knocked around by bad men in the past is to not appropriate and incorporate their behavioral characteristics into your own personality profile. It's not a turn on, a 60-something chick with a Picassoesque face and a sailor's mouth, who behaves like the daughter of Tara Reid and Mr. T.  Just not sexy.

WACHS' MEDIA MEDITATIONS

Channel 46 here in the ATL is really dumb. How hard is it to get ratings when they have this magnificent creature of gOD on their staff? I'm referring to Dagmar Midcap, pictured above, with the glorious cans made of soft she-leather. She's clearly Canadian or Australian.

You wanna know why it's hard to get ratings with her, and why they are always last in the news race, sometimes behind syndicated reruns of Archie Bunker's Place? She's currently utilized as the EARLY MORNING weather gal. A time of day when few can really study her. Shame.

The caption on this said that she MAY be moving to evening news weather. Hell, she should be doing the whole newscast by herself. Sports, weather, traffic, murders...the whole she-bang. Katie Couric does it, and she doesn't even have the looks to distract viewers from her many inaccuracies and gaping gaps of actual news knowledge. She's a downright toothy moron!

I want to be assassinated by those cans.

Herschel Walker reveals in new book he has multiple personalities

"That's all news to me," former Georgia coach Vince Dooley said in Friday editions of The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "All I know is whatever personality he had when he had the football was the one I liked."

"I'm probably one of his closest friends and that's news to me," said Frank Ros, who was captain of Georgia's 1980 national championship team. "I knew he was working on a book but I just thought it was about football. He does 100 things at once and always has projects going on, but that blows me away."

The reason for the confusion is that Tony Dorsett, who thinks he's Herschel, wrote the book.

I know everyone in Atlanta is staking out this blog and checking it every few minutes for some confirmation about rumors they've heard about me and my career in show business. Well, your patience has paid off!

I just received a letter from my masters at SuperDeluxe.com and Turner Entertainment Group informing me that What's Your Story, America's #1 satirical sub 3-minute news show on broadband video sites in America, is renewed for another 10 big episodes due to my kick-ass attitude!!!

After a couple of week break, the next show will be Friday, the 8th day of February. YEAH!!!!!

FORWARD THINKING

I want to make it clear that I did not make the classic mistake of celebrating 2008. I merely kissed 2007 goodbye. There's a huge difference.

Here's me last year.

Look at that. FOOL! Celebrating a year that hadn't begun and would prove to suck. Well, no more. I am never again going to celebrate a year I haven't lived yet starting with this one. As far as I'm concerned, the jury is out on 2008. No. The jury hasn't even been seated yet.

And for those of you who stubbornly cling to the idea of celebrating a year at it's beginning, think about this. What if you die this year? You've already gone on record as having endorsed this year as a good one. Dumb. Really dumb.

We went to see some friends in Charleston, SC. I've some cool pictures to post as soon as I can dig the SD card out of the seat cushions in my car.

Their house was on a beautiful private island accessible only by boat to residents and their confirmed guests. Transport on the island is by golf cart or feet. The gimmick here is the closeness and harmony with the environment. Strict building codes and absolutely no retail.

That means, of course, you have to pretty much storyboard your next couple of days before you take a 12-mile boat ride back to civilization just to get to your car. And it's not like you get a discount for regressing so. In fact, all the residents and home owners paid quite the hefty premium for the remoteness and oneness of it all. Environmentalism is so cumbersome, inefficient, almost masochistic. You work your ass off for years to earn all this money and then blow it on a spread where you can watch birds and grass and trees like you can anywhere, but just less comfortably. I don't see it. All that cash to pretend you're a shipwreck survivor.

I like nature, but it's kind of boring after awhile. That's why they have cable channels. They sift through all the nature out there for the good stuff to film and show on TV. That way, you get some nature in ya, and can get some work done. That was the tacit bargain struck centuries ago between the rural and city people. Some of us will need to work in buildings with our minds.

Then I get home and glance at the WSJ which is reeling about the $100 a barrel oil, and how the US economy is in turmoil over this. Yeah, no kidding. Being environmentally friendly is hideously, obscenely expensive. The return on investment is poor. I've read several analyses that say roughly the same thing. We have enough oil in the ground obtainable at current technology to last 100 years at $1 a gallon. Plenty of time for Mother Necessity to help us discover new human sustaining technologies. So let's cut that shit out in '08.

Some good news on the '08 front. Hillary Clinton loses the first round pretty badly. Third place behind John Fagwards and Barack O Carter. You just know she's screaming at someone tonight and making Bill look more and more like a hero for cheating on her. I won't be the first or last with my analysis on this matter, but arguably the clearest. She lost because she's ugly and mean. Nothing anyone can do at this point to change this. She's certainly in it for the long haul because of her money, connections, and willingness to murder, but America will not vote for her. Nice.

On the other hand, if the GOP keeps handing I Hate Huckabee victories in the early going, your pal Wachs may be forced to take a hard look at Ms. Cynthia McKinney with the Green Party. At least with her, she'll do something to get herself impeached, and we can start fresh. Who's her running mate? Bobby Petrino? I'm in.

What else to catch up on? Oh, yeah. I got yelled at by a wedding DJ last week for watching the Patriots/Giants game instead of participating on the dance floor. Look, jackleg. You spin the MP3s and let me worry how to entertain myself. Weddings are for women and their friends. I participated plenty, but weddings end for me when dessert is served.

Even my wife, despite her frenzy to escape her roots and marry into my family fortune, soberly understood the implications for her special day and worked with me in scheduling our wedding for a day when no major sporting events would distract from our union of love. Unfortunately, the SF earthquake of '89 delayed the World Series to our day, but at least we made an effort and that Series sucked and no one cared when it returned.

Beyond that though,  what kind of man tells other men, who are GUESTS, and are ENJOYING THEMSELVES, watching one of the most MEMORABLE FOOTBALL GAMES OF THE DECADE, to stop? John Kerry risked all of his political cred demanding this game be put on three networks as the Constitution says, so we're almost obligated to watch. This DJ must be paid per boogie...or he's a fem.

Saw two movies that have Oscar buzz all over them. Juno was a pleasant disappointment. It came within a pregnant teen's belly hair of being unbearable with dialogue that made "Clerks" seem natural. The soundtrack has convinced me that, from now on,  the word "indie" is to be used as an insult for people who are consciously quirky. Then I saw "No Country For Old Men" which is a good movie with a shitty ending. You will love it and then you will hate it as I did.

Tiffany Fallon was just fired from Celebrity Apprentice. That hurts. I know she still wants me and my brother,  Dr. Mike, in a threesome with me watching from a closet. Now I can't watch her every week. I feel like NBC has done something terribly wrong, and I've emailed them to bring her back and set Omarosa on fire as she deserves. I'd love to see Trump say to her, "You're on fire!"

I swear, as soon as I find a foolproof alibi for the night when Rascal Flatts' bus goes over a cliff due to the brake lines being cut, she will be my next wife. I almost had her several years ago, after I photoshopped a penis on her picture and showed it to Keith Brooking, who believed it was real and immediately broke up with her. But by the time I saw her again, she had already hooked up with the band.

Tiffany was the was the first to get fired, too. Double pain. She failed to make a lot of money selling hot dogs apparently, and Trump admonished her, being a Playmate of the Year and all,  for not calling up Hugh Hefner and asking for $10,000 for a hot dog.

"He's my good friend," says Trump. "He would have done it for charity, my good friend would have. He would have given you $100,000, I'll bet my good friend would have. Did you know I'm good friends with an aging pornographer? You should have called him. He's a friend."

Well, as a friend, you probably know that Hef doesn't give a Tiffany Fallon $100,000 for a charity hot dog unless it's his weiner being wrapped in her buns out of charity for him being 90 and snorting Viagra.

So Trumpy fired her for being too shy and sweet and being too grossed out by Hugh Hefner. All the things that give me a boner, he hates, that Trump. He could never be my good friend.

Much more later, friends.

LET'S SEE NOW...

What are these three slapjacks gonna talk about in Annapolis? The Arabs want to liquidate Israel, and Israel wants to defend itself. There's little else to say except for Bush to step up and for the thousandth time tell the Arabs to cut the shit or get blasted. What more talking needs to be done after 2000 years of discussion? How are the Patriots doing? How crazy it is trying to get Hannah Montana tix? They've got a whole week to fill. What a waste of jet fuel.

OJ Simpson's 2nd Trial of the Century has been scheduled for April 7. Mike Vick's is scheduled for April 2nd. Throw Hitler's birthday on the 20th, and April 2008 is shaping up as an exciting month for you racists out there.

I think it's rather cool of OJ to entertain a new generation with his felonious antics. Most of my brain says I'd like to see him get his due in prison, but a small abcess on my brain keeps insisting it might be cool if OJ either walked or got like seven years so he could get out of jail in time to make more asinine schemes and have a 3rd decade in a row where he's on trial for a major felony. I think our children and our grandchildren deserve an OJ trial, too. It's a thrilling opportunity.

I don't like any of the Republican candidates this year, to be honest. Too early. Although I think Giuliani is the most captivating thus far, he's still kind of an FDS nozzle. His personality is a little too erratic for the presidency. I could see him hanging out in a bar and everything's going great, but 2 beers in, Rudy is a completely changed man from 2 beers out.

So, no, I don't watch any of the foreplay debates. Just bring the main event and someone who can actually beat the most beatable woman on the planet. It may Obama now that Queen Oprah has selected him as her political boy toy this go round. We'll discuss some of Oprah's previous endorsements on the next What's Your Story, #5 becoming available Friday morning on SuperDeluxe.com.

If Oprah is so smart and powerful, why doesn't SHE run for president? Because although she's nice and warm and rich, she's also a sucker with mediocre judgment.

Yeah, I think I'll start a school in Africa for teen girls and get one of the locals over there to run it for me. What could go wrong?

If a Democrat wins the White House, so be it. The country could recover from Barack O Carter, and it would from Hillary Cank. Only in her case, people of my generation would not see the recovery. I'd like to have a few golden years. At least the past year of my life gets me a good jump on everyone else in adjusting to the coming deep recession.

Today's newspaper was actually useful for the first time in months with regard to getting news. They printed pictures of some of the carefully screened YouTube dimwits scheduled to appear on the debate this evening and saved me a lot of time. I would have been pissed to have to sit through a debate waiting to see the YouTube questions, only to hear the least enlightening questions possible.

The YouTube gimmick that these debates employ is laboring under the assumption that because a technological breakthrough is transforming our culture, it follows that it's content will be just as brilliant and groundbreaking. Well, it's not.

99% of YouTube is shit. 99% of YouTube is responses to and parodies of Chris Crocker. 99% of YouTube is instant nostalgia of the embarrassing kind. I've probably contributed 10% of it myself. I'm already burned out on the whole garage/basement look to the videos. To really capture a large audience, in 2008, as in 1968, you've got to have some slick and polish to a production. It's cute at first, the rawness, like your girlfriend's sexy, raspy voice panting in ecstasy when you first bone her in college, but by 40 it's enough to make you want to take lots of pills.

There are some gems out there in YouTube land, but in roughly the same ratio if you did a nationwide cattle call for the next big thing. American Idol. Millions have tried out, and after 6 years, they've only found three real stars. One was voted off in the middle. Innovative platform, though.

So here are some of the YouTube debate questions, and how I would answer them, minus that snowman bullshit, which ballroom dances on my every nerve. The questioners are from: Seattle, Modesto, Ann Arbor, and Austin. All males no older than 30 and all asking questions that may have relevance in a general election, but not in deciding who the new Republican horse will be.

"Are you willing to demand that ... paper ballots are used ... or ... paper printouts are mandatory for electronic ... machines?"

That's a Democrat gripe through and through. Paper ballots cause more error and confusion than electronic. Is Florida 2000 that distant of a memory?

The electronic machines are practically error free, and the only people creating doubt are the fringe kooks who have lost elections and make wild claims against the machines instead of taking the blame for not connecting with the voters in sufficient quantities. I don't see them complaining about swiping their credit card over the internets.

"If nominated, do you have a short list of possible running mates? Would you reach across to the opposition?"

Why would any Republican who doesn't want to lose by more than 50 points ask a Democrat to be his running mate? It's never happened before with either party. Government is a semi-functioning marketplace of competing ideas. Maybe we need more parties but certainly not less. Isn't government enough of a monolith without consolidating power even more? Go away.

"See this sign? The people who own this house are having a problem selling it. [Who's] at fault for the mortgage crisis?"

The idiots with the sign up. That's who.

If you sign up for a loan you can't or won't pay for, you're a part of the problem. There are no predatory lenders. Not one of those mortgages was coerced. There are many desperate, greedy people who will sign anything to have a home they can't afford. What can government do? Make things worse, as they are about to do with another round of anti-predatory lending laws that make people on the margins and some inside, unable to own housing. Then, as sure as Wheel follows Jeopardy, some hustler comes around blasting the same mortgagers for "ignoring the poor." Back and forth until we're Brazil.

"If you didn't get the Republican nomination, who would you want to get it and why?"

This is my favorite. It adds absolutely no clarity to the central question of the debate: "Who SHOULD be President?"

What he's asking is this. "What other candidate do you like? If I like him, too,  I'll vote for you so he can lose."

What a tail-chasing moron.  How does it help you decide on a candidate by asking them what they'll do if they lose?

About ten years ago, a buddy of mine went on a job interview and afterward came to me dazed and confused.

"The guy asked me 5 reasons why he should hire me, and then 5 reasons why he SHOULDN'T hire me."

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing. I left. Reason #1. Because I'm not here. We never got to the rest."

WHAT'S NOT YOUR STORY #1

Starting today, I think it'll be fun to post the rejected stories from this week's What's Your Story episode. #4 is being shot tomorrow and will be online Friday. Final script was turned in this morning, and so now I present a new feature on the HOW website:

What's Not Your Story--The Outtakes!

What you'd pay extra for if you bought the DVD of this website, is FREE!

And as soon as I can figure out a way to change that, I will. But for now, take advantage.

These were rejected for a variety of reasons. Too dark, too mean, too long, too porny, too unfunny, too old, too libelous, etc. In other words, perfect for the internet. I know SuperDeluxe.com is on the internet, too, but they're on a different level of internet with standards and commerce and hits and all. So now, I take you to that other place on the internet, The Island of Misfit Stories, for our inaugural "What's NOT Your Story" #1

OCTOPUSSY

In India, a 2-year old girl with 4 arms and 4 legs had 2 of each removed last week.

A team of Indian surgeons worked on little Lakshmi around the clock until they had successfully chewed off her extraneous extremities.

Sorry for playing designated driver here during all the celebration, but It seems to me we are playing a dangerous game of god when we cut the limbs off of giant spiders and hope they blend in with human society.

It only sets the spiders up for failure, and where are these surgeons then?  Skipping off to their next case of social engineering not caring about the consequences.

I hope they at least let this little gal keep the pointy scales on her back and her prehensile tail. Maybe then society can start to recoup it's dignity

THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD DATE RAPE

Popular children’s toy Aqua-Dots were pulled from store shelves last week for fear they contain the date rape drug GHB.

According to the Consumer Products Safety Commission, each year 100,000 children are date-raped by toys. Play-date rape is not new.

You'll recall in 1987 when Milton Bradley pulled the game, "Mystery Date Rape" from the shelves, and protest in 1994 brought the same fate to Mattel's Binky Suckin' Barbie and Wham-O's Slip-N-Slide

Experts say the toys use fun and bright colors to entice the children. Sometimes the toys take the children to nice restaurants and pressure them.

Kids, say no to strangers when they offer toys made out of steak and lobster.

THE WAITER’S STRIKE

(Video of wacky Writer's Striker)

No wonder terrorists love Hollywood people. They don't know how to fight back.

Where I come from, if someone is taking money out of your pocket and cocaine off your table, that's a big problem.

It's never solved by people with funny signs and wigs who rap with the inefficiency of a white person.

Meanwhile, the producers are eating a nice filet with peppercorn sauce discussing a new reality show with Mark Burnett while both are in a hot tub at the Palms in Vegas having their backs washed by two young ladies supplementing their income from college cheerleading.

And they are all laughing at you up on the 40” plasma screen.

Someone needs to cook that juicy cut of beef, and clean up the hotel suites for those people. Those someones are you, my writer friends.

How badly do you want your 4 more cents for a DVD? How far will you go to get residuals from the internet that you deserve? Who amongst you will be first to openly dip his penis in a glass of producer ordered iced tea?

Go ahead. Make my day, Rosebud. Can you handle the truth?

Show yourself the money.

SIX FLAGS OVER HILLARY

(video of flags falling behind Hillary Clinton)

Graphic video here of Hillary Clinton’s brush with death.

Watch here as Mrs. Clinton and her diverse lesbian friend, Huma, narrowly escape being crushed by these falling flags.

It would have been the first pole to touch Hillary since college.

“Who tried to kill my sister?”

Over on Capitol Hill,  a furious wicked witch of the West, house speaker Nancy Pelosi,  immediately launched an investigation into the owner of the flags.

Mrs. Pelosi is right. This was no accident. Someone is trying to bury Mrs. Clinton with the American flag. Fortunately for her, and the nation, Mrs. Clinton will not allow the American flag to interfere with her quest for the US Presidency.

PRESIDENT PERV

Pakistan is being overcome with Al-Qaeda and Taliban again, and Paki president Perv (The Uncle) Musharraf has suspended their constitution...like they had one.

I'm all for democracy in the middle east, but we're skipping a crucial step, and that's why this thing is dragging on.

In order to have democracy, you have to have sanity and humility. The Muslims are the pit bulls of people. Yes, some of them can be quite loving and gentle. But...

It's all about them and their 72 virgins.

Well, who doesn't want 72 virgins? So selfish.

And if you stopped wrapping up your women like mummies and beating them with sticks, you'd probably get some action in this life!

What we must do is convert them to a better religion such as Judaism. They still don't have to eat pork, but they'll learn to behave.

Round 'em up, give 'em a choice. We cut your head or your foreskin. Your move, Mohammed!

MYSELF, HELLO?

Is there anything funnier than 2 old rich jews bitching at each other?

(Seinfeld clip)

"Don't you know who I am?"

The sad answer Seinfeld, is no. Larry King has no idea who you are. He's 172 years old and he doesn't care about anything but his prostate.

He's also a praying mantis. A very smart praying mantis.

And his audience is just as old as he is and confuses you with that handsome young man on the Wonder Years.

So Larry is just setting the scene for the old folks who watch while getting diapered for the evening.

Eat some cereal, Seinfeld, and calm down.

A MOCKERY OF MOCKERY

Genius! NBC is preaching about global warming while my toes are purple from the night cold. They're doing their Green Week, and I guess it must be sound environmental practice to destroy shows so no one will want to see them resulting in energy savings. I think NBC is possibly behind the writer's strike to save paper. Well, I'm with the writers now.

Every goddamn comedy I like, from "Earl" to "The Office" ( I didn't see Scrubs because Zach Braff minces over my every last nerve ending, and since Clooney left, ER is a shell I tell ya), but every show bore the stamp of a corporate memo from some asshole who thought it'd be nifty to pay homage to the ultra-preachy religion of environmentalism by requiring each program to throw environmental grit into it's comedy gears. Bring back "Muslim Week!" Anything.

Hey, broadcasters! Guess what? Environmentalism = shit programming. You want to ruin a TV channel? Find another one. Get some puppets. Put the logo on candy wrappers. Kids don't care. They're stupid and will watch anything. But as an adult, after a hard day of trying to find more work, I want to sit down to some raunchy entertainment, and laugh at it until my bladder has emptied. Why not start "Tom Green Week?" You'd sure win back a lot of people and still get them to think of green.

Even Al Gore showed up to mock himself on 30 Rock, and before you imagine yourself giving a collegial pat on the back to ole Albert for being so open-minded, ask yourself this. What's his deal? He's always popping up on comedy shows to mock his image, yet he's mocking the same rhetoric he makes at serious functions. It's really strange the pretzels that people become when they try to reconcile their politics with their personal behavior.

I suppose we're in for a lot of that in the next year, what with Ms. Rodham trying to get her "husband" Bill a 3rd term. What's Your Story #3 starts the countdown to next November with the results of a new Hillary Clinton survey that busts right through the bread and into the meaty center of this shit sandwich of a campaign.

Also, Amy Winehouse presents her peer-reviewed journalistic singing about the effects of cocaine and liquor mixed regularly inside of a skinny young lady, and has Dog the Bounty Hunter become Dog the N*****R Hunter? Check it out Friday morning on What's Your Story?" I'll have the video here, too, when the Turner Studios people have posted it.

WILL WORK FOR MONEY

An associate of mine called me from his car as he was driving around Los Angeles. I could hear shouting in the background.

"What's that noise?"

"I'm stopped at a light and the writers are protesting."

"Are they protesting you?"

"I'm not sure."

"What are they shouting?"

"4 Cents on a DVD? Are you kidding me?"

All those Hollywood writers, and that's the best they could do?  Wow. Might want to first do a table read next time before hitting the streets, fellas.

If 4 cents per DVD in residuals sucks, then what's good? 5 cents? 50 cents? How many writers are worth even the 4 cents?

Now before this strike gets out of hand and all but guarantees that our favorite TV shows will be gone for awhile, and that every movie next summer will be about exploding robots, I would like all Hollywood and TV people reading this to know something.

It would really be unfair to Americans who depend on Jimmy Kimmel and 30 Rock for sustenance to go without them.

I just want you to know that on "What's Your Story?" I write the whole show. I know it's not long, but bear in mind that I also direct it, I find all the video, I do all the editing, and the swirly computer graphics.

I recorded the theme music in my basement with a full orchestra, which is my hobby.

I bring in the lights and camera from home that I paid for out of my own money.

I'm the real deal, and I'd love to be your scab. If those other guys don't want the job, for whatever reason. I'm happy to take it. 

I even bought my own work clothes.

Email me for my digits.

DOTDOTDOTDOTTERINGOLDFOOL

How about that Larry King? Claims he was swindled out of 15 mil in an insurance scam. I'm willing to bet it happened during his show, too. Go through the tapes and see if a caller ever pitched him on life insurance. You'll see.

How can you ever believe any of Larry King's interviews anymore? He's obviously gullible. He has such a tangible lack of judgment. What kind of trustworthy person with a passion for "what makes people tick" loses 15 MILLION DOLLARS? Good luck to him trying to get another taste of his 40-year old poonie from here on out.

There's no telling what kind of monkey business with the truth his guests are going to pull now. Next thing you know, Jeanine Garofalo will convince him that she's the new president of  Burma. For the love of Ariel Sharon! He's gonna have to have at least 4 guests now for every show about a controversial topic to make sure the truth is covered somewhere. Oh, wait!

What was long suspected has now been confirmed. Larry King IS a highly developed praying mantis...from Brooklyn.

In honor of Larry's style, this Larry is going to do that Larry's type of random thoughts dotdotdot blog entry, and also I must  finish up and hand in this week's What's Your Story scripts, so little time to waste. Man, I love when bloggers publish excuses for why they're not handing out more of their work for FREE to you slobs. Don't you?

DOTDOTDOTDIRT

Why is a brown lawn considered being green? Why are people who are in favor of being green AGAINST greenhouse gasses? It's right there --g-r-e-e-n- house. Mighty, Mighty.

DOTDOTDOTONTHELOT

I got a call today for another extra part in a Tyler Perry production. This time, I'm up for the part of "FBI MAN." That's all I know. My guess is that I'm not a good guy.

I'm 2 for 2 now with the Tyler Perry people. They love me. Maybe I'll get a few lines soon. Maybe the "FBI MAN" will have to bodily restrain Nia Peeples or Pebbles or some hottentot hottie of that level. Yum!

The other TP production I was in was "Why Did I Get Married?" now showing in hotel rooms across America. Go see it. I'm not. My wife suggested we pay good money to go to the theater to catch the back of my jacket scooting along behind the actors in a scene that may not even have made it, because it didn't sound that funny when they were doing it. No, I'm going to steal the DVD from Blockbuster like I always do when I feel I'm entitled to do so.

DOTDOTDOTHEAD

Pakistan is being overcome with Al-Qaeda and Taliban vermin again, and has suspended their constitution...like they really had one. It bears repeating that the only way to bring the democratic process to their shores is to force them into a new religion. I'm a little biased, but I say the best thing is to convert them all to Judaism. It's a halfway house to the Christianity they need but is too strong a dose of sanity and humility for them right now. They can still avoid pork products if they wish, and have big noses, while they practice calm and try to wriggle free from the steel grip of the 10th century.

Round 'em all up and give 'em a choice. We cut off your head or your foreskin. Yee ha!