House of Wachs

REJECTED

Damn.

I really liked this bit, but it was rejected by CNN's standards and practices for "What's Your Story?" Ep. #19, taping tomorrow.

That's why there's the internet. When things get censored on the internet, they still can be viewed on the internet.

CBS golf announcer Bobby Clampett called golfer Liang Wen Chong, a "Chinaman."

Clampett later apologized, saying it was bad timing to make such remarks while people were watching a South African beat Tiger Woods in a tournament called the Masters.

That's show biz. And let me just take this moment to point out that, contrary what you've heard, there are plenty of businesses just like it.

SURFIN' USA

Like it or not, show or no show, The House of Wachs continues to grow it's avid fan base through word of mouth and boolean logic. At this rate, someone powerful and influential is going to become a fan, and I'll be seduced into watering down the content so as not to harm our one-sided relationship, so read it while it's raw and hot.

It's a humbling tribute to the dynamic diversity of HOW that so many different topics can lead so many to one place. Here once again, is a 24-hour sampling of search terms that have brought total neophytes around the globe into the House of Wachs dot COM!!! Welcome. Have a mint.

chastity belt

"Dave Coulier" +"Kelly Clarkson"

public nude imageshack

Losing Virginity Stories

Harry Potter tubes

harry potter gay

harry potter 7 leak

carl the greenskeeper

duke lacrosse

jim mora

dolce vita johns creek

wwec in atlanta

mexican actor nude

lois griffin nude

gravedigger

ben the bunnyman

Jeff Francoeur's penis

publix

news anchor says Hilary Cunton

RAGE IN FAVOR OF THE MACHINE

It's flattering. It's confusing. It's suspicious.

Here's Sunday night's blog about the Sopranos here or scroll down.

Now comes resident TV writer Jill Vejnoska in today's AJC.

Pretty close. Pretty...close.

I sense that someone has been enjoying this HOW website a little too vicariously. I could be right, I could be wrong, but as Tommy the Sage Tard once said about an object found on his front lawn, "Could be a paper, could be a bomb. You gotta be careful."

Anyway Jill, drop me a line or send a gift, and thank YOU for being you.

In other important trivial matters, let's turn our attention to Miss Kelly Clarkson who is playing the scorned lover role to sell her new CD, and the reporters just lap her sour milk up.

NEW YORK -Kelly Clarkson, who rails against a former flame in her new song "Never Again," says she's never been in love.

Poor dear. She dated a rat. Alanis Morrisette did this to much media admiration in 1995. They fell all over themselves telling audiences how Alanis was fucked over by some unnamed dude without ever questioning what Alanis did to deserve the fucking over. I know it's private, so then don't write a song about it if you don't want to be asked about it.

I don't know why people think it's proper for these chicks to write these one-sided victim songs designed to smear some specific person, and not get called on it. I don't know who this guy is, but lots of people close to Kelly Clarkson and in the music biz do, and that's gotta leave a mark on the guy's resume. Look what happened to Dave Coulier's career after Alanis' song came out. Even the Olsen Twins turned their bony backs on him.

"I love my friends and family," the Grammy-winning singer and original "American Idol" tells Elle magazine in its July issue. "But I have never said the words `I love you' to anyone in a romantic relationship. Ever."

I would like to know why. What's wrong with her? One-sided stories are dull. If you want my MP3 business, I have a right to know. Invite the former flame to record an answer song.

If Kelly Clarkson kissed and told on me, I'd find one of her rivals on the pop scene such as Bo Bice,  Daughtry, or Panic at the Disco! to help me record an album about why I broke up with her. I'd write hits such as "She Needs to Wash Down There Better,"  and "One Chromosome from Dwarfism" and "Almost A Mullet To Me,"  "Money Ain't Making Your Boobs Look Nicer." See which gets more downloads.

KELLY CLARKSON RAILING AGAINST FLAME

SNEAK PREVIEWS

In about an hour, I'm going to see the new Will Ferrell movie, "Blades of Glory," and my hunch is that it is going to suck. The problem I think will be the casting of Jon Heder, who thus far has proven that he can only play Napolean Dynamite. I will let you know.

Also, this weekend, I have another statement to make, another primo clip from the HOW Time Capsule, and...dunno yet. I may write about ears, because I think they look stupid. Lemme think about it. I have a lot on my mind.

THE HIGH COST OF HONESTY

My wife rated my latest film "Whiskers of Fate" (which will be updated weekly), with only 3 stars out of 5 on YouTube, and I am properly enraged.

"Why didn't you give it 5 stars?"

"Because it wasn't your best."

"Are you nuts? I'm not trying to win awards or save people money."

"I have to be honest."

"No, you don't. Why now?"

"It wouldn't be fair to the viewers and other videos to lie."

"Screw them. This is not time for consumer reports. It's about promotion. It's about competition. The more stars, the more people watch. YouTube is REAL LIFE!!!" I'm screaming now like an idiot who says things like, "YouTube is real life!!!"

Is that domestic treason or what? I'm going to punish her by having sex with her.

THE TMGPT INDEX

Couple of bits of business:

First an inquiry into some recent Wachs postings by an adoring fan who goes by the nom de plume, "The Lockemeister."

hey Wachs,

Do you have a thing (obsession) with male genitals? Just wondering. Let's see...the real estate story had a reference, the audio graph had a dong on it, and now the story of the burning nuts. (and I was just going to buy some roasted cashews too, lost my appetite) Just speaking for myself, I really don't think that much of male genitals. I think of boobs and tits a lot, and having sex. Once in a while I think of my package while it's being inserted (in my girlfriend). That's about the extent of the male genitals thought. Were you thinking of male genitals when you were visting Angela Lansbury? No wonder she treated you shabby..you should have said...hey ma'am...I like your style,,,and blue hair...howzabout a romp in the breakroom.. I bet you would have got a huge discount on your choice of pisswater and her phone number too!

OK, first, you are trying way too hard to be humorous and copy what you think I'm about, and it's not working as a result. Also, you have a very tenuous grasp on punctuation, sentence structure, and page layout, making whatever does make some bit of sense, difficult on the eyes to read. The way your undeveloped thought fragments just randomly collide into one another suggest a mind heavily intoxicated if not already on a life support system.

I'm not quite sure what points or connections you were trying to make at the end there as you spun out and went down the embankment. But if I could glean some coherent message from your rambling statement, at the beginning it seems you're trying to imply that I am a homosexual and are concurrently working up the nerve to ask me out on a sex date.

Well, I regret to disappoint you with the news that since I am not a homosexual I must pre-emptively decline your advances toward me.

I think about male genitals about 75% of the time would be my rough estimate. Be aware that this number is only a percentage of the time I spend thinking about any genitals at all, and NOT a percentage of my entire thinking day. Oh, gotten himmel, no! THAT would be gay.

My Total Male Genital Pondering Time (TMGPT) is closer to 75% of all General Genital Pondering Time (GGPT), but only about 5% of my Entire Pondering Day (EPD).

Further, that would correlate to 24% Total Female Genital Pondering Time (TFGPT), and 1% Total Animal Genital Pondering Time (TAGPT)

Got that? Good. Now let's get straight to the heart of the matter. How does the 75% TMGPT break down?

Here:

Thinking about my own--94%

Seeing one in a porno and wondering about God's choices--5%

Hearing a dirty joke about one--.9999%

Other--.0001%

I've also been receiving a couple of complaints about one of my December 4th blogs.

Here's the link.

Here's the answer for those of you who have been saying, "I don't get it. What voice mail are you talking about?" Click on Garrett's picture. That's the link to the audio for the bit, which now works for all who have clicked on it but previously couldn't access the file.

NEW AT HOUSE OF WACHS

New on the podcast...

The final Regular Guys Show from 10/16. Hour #1. The rest is on the way as well as other shows and segments of more recent vintage.

New on the site...

Top of the left hand column is the button to donate to the RG Legal Fund.

"How can I help?" hundreds of frustrated listeners have emailed me over the past month. Here's how. Thank you. Happy Thanksgiving.

PEOPLE WHO HATE HATE pt. 2

Michelle in Woodstock passes along this troll she found on Craiglist. It is a "testamanet" to the rich possibilities of Photoshop to make one's point.

You can see the whole thing and respond by clicking on it.

"it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests," sez dat dere disclaima.

I disagree.

FUPDATE

The FU lines, where everything is discussed and nothing is accomplished, have been re-formatted in the left column for a better listening experience.

Until we decide the idea has no merit, you can listen to the best FUs of the week in a handy digest version. We'll keep a rolling two weeks of FU digests.

BE OUR GUEST

Today, RG.com, in conjunction with the INS, HUD, and the White House, starts it's Guest Blogger Program. Today's Guest Blogger is MJ Pyro.

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[In these days] of illegal Mexican protests, and the assertion of rights they simply do not have, I wanted to provide you guys with visual evidence of why Americans should oppose the Mexican invasion. I have lived in my house since before the house next door was even built 15 years ago. My current neighbors are Mexican.  They moved in about 3 years ago.  The previous owners were Mexican also. (What are the odds?)   

This is their backyard complete with weeds, trash, and more junk than you can imagine, or that I can photograph.

As you can see, they treat their property as if it were a junkyard.  The main guy (I’ll explain momentarily) works construction and he parks all of his shit in the back, along with all of his scaffolding and work materials.  Understand, this is a corner lot also, so everyone can see it. They have kids.  This is the kind of shit that goes on in their cage.

   

You cannot imagine the noise when this type of activity is going on.  It gives new meaning to the phrase Mexican jumping beans.  My Leyland Cypress trees cannot grow fast enough. This is the driveway.  Notice how it is filled with cars, none being inside the garage.

 

Why? Well, with at least 2 families, or at the very least, extended relatives living in the 3 bedroom house, I suspect that it has been converted into another bedroom, so they never open the garage door. I could describe incident after incident that has occurred with these people over the last 3 years, but the email would be too long. Simply put, they don’t understand our way of life.  It’s a cultural thing, but it is important for all of us to understand.  So to all my fellow Americans, I say this.  The next time you hear a politician dumb down an issue with a political slogan “we need them to do jobs Americans won’t do”, understand the consequences of what your bleeding hearts are advocating.

Very good job, MJ. 

Cars parked all over? Check. 

Half a backboard? Check. 

Tilty trampoline? Check.

Noisy kids in mullets and gentrified rap wear? Check. 

However, your problem has little to do with illegal immigration. The yard pictured could easily be found in College Park, one of the D-villes, or Chambodia, as easily as it could be found in Lawrenceville or Roswell, or whereever it is you photographed these. Are they illegals? Good shot. But I'd say these folks are doing just fine assimilating into the redneck fabric of America.

No, my friend, you have a looming eminent domain problem.

Sell. Move. Now. Before they drop a Walmart on the whole neighborhood.