House of Wachs

LET'S SEE NOW...

What are these three slapjacks gonna talk about in Annapolis? The Arabs want to liquidate Israel, and Israel wants to defend itself. There's little else to say except for Bush to step up and for the thousandth time tell the Arabs to cut the shit or get blasted. What more talking needs to be done after 2000 years of discussion? How are the Patriots doing? How crazy it is trying to get Hannah Montana tix? They've got a whole week to fill. What a waste of jet fuel.

OJ Simpson's 2nd Trial of the Century has been scheduled for April 7. Mike Vick's is scheduled for April 2nd. Throw Hitler's birthday on the 20th, and April 2008 is shaping up as an exciting month for you racists out there.

I think it's rather cool of OJ to entertain a new generation with his felonious antics. Most of my brain says I'd like to see him get his due in prison, but a small abcess on my brain keeps insisting it might be cool if OJ either walked or got like seven years so he could get out of jail in time to make more asinine schemes and have a 3rd decade in a row where he's on trial for a major felony. I think our children and our grandchildren deserve an OJ trial, too. It's a thrilling opportunity.

I don't like any of the Republican candidates this year, to be honest. Too early. Although I think Giuliani is the most captivating thus far, he's still kind of an FDS nozzle. His personality is a little too erratic for the presidency. I could see him hanging out in a bar and everything's going great, but 2 beers in, Rudy is a completely changed man from 2 beers out.

So, no, I don't watch any of the foreplay debates. Just bring the main event and someone who can actually beat the most beatable woman on the planet. It may Obama now that Queen Oprah has selected him as her political boy toy this go round. We'll discuss some of Oprah's previous endorsements on the next What's Your Story, #5 becoming available Friday morning on SuperDeluxe.com.

If Oprah is so smart and powerful, why doesn't SHE run for president? Because although she's nice and warm and rich, she's also a sucker with mediocre judgment.

Yeah, I think I'll start a school in Africa for teen girls and get one of the locals over there to run it for me. What could go wrong?

If a Democrat wins the White House, so be it. The country could recover from Barack O Carter, and it would from Hillary Cank. Only in her case, people of my generation would not see the recovery. I'd like to have a few golden years. At least the past year of my life gets me a good jump on everyone else in adjusting to the coming deep recession.

Today's newspaper was actually useful for the first time in months with regard to getting news. They printed pictures of some of the carefully screened YouTube dimwits scheduled to appear on the debate this evening and saved me a lot of time. I would have been pissed to have to sit through a debate waiting to see the YouTube questions, only to hear the least enlightening questions possible.

The YouTube gimmick that these debates employ is laboring under the assumption that because a technological breakthrough is transforming our culture, it follows that it's content will be just as brilliant and groundbreaking. Well, it's not.

99% of YouTube is shit. 99% of YouTube is responses to and parodies of Chris Crocker. 99% of YouTube is instant nostalgia of the embarrassing kind. I've probably contributed 10% of it myself. I'm already burned out on the whole garage/basement look to the videos. To really capture a large audience, in 2008, as in 1968, you've got to have some slick and polish to a production. It's cute at first, the rawness, like your girlfriend's sexy, raspy voice panting in ecstasy when you first bone her in college, but by 40 it's enough to make you want to take lots of pills.

There are some gems out there in YouTube land, but in roughly the same ratio if you did a nationwide cattle call for the next big thing. American Idol. Millions have tried out, and after 6 years, they've only found three real stars. One was voted off in the middle. Innovative platform, though.

So here are some of the YouTube debate questions, and how I would answer them, minus that snowman bullshit, which ballroom dances on my every nerve. The questioners are from: Seattle, Modesto, Ann Arbor, and Austin. All males no older than 30 and all asking questions that may have relevance in a general election, but not in deciding who the new Republican horse will be.

"Are you willing to demand that ... paper ballots are used ... or ... paper printouts are mandatory for electronic ... machines?"

That's a Democrat gripe through and through. Paper ballots cause more error and confusion than electronic. Is Florida 2000 that distant of a memory?

The electronic machines are practically error free, and the only people creating doubt are the fringe kooks who have lost elections and make wild claims against the machines instead of taking the blame for not connecting with the voters in sufficient quantities. I don't see them complaining about swiping their credit card over the internets.

"If nominated, do you have a short list of possible running mates? Would you reach across to the opposition?"

Why would any Republican who doesn't want to lose by more than 50 points ask a Democrat to be his running mate? It's never happened before with either party. Government is a semi-functioning marketplace of competing ideas. Maybe we need more parties but certainly not less. Isn't government enough of a monolith without consolidating power even more? Go away.

"See this sign? The people who own this house are having a problem selling it. [Who's] at fault for the mortgage crisis?"

The idiots with the sign up. That's who.

If you sign up for a loan you can't or won't pay for, you're a part of the problem. There are no predatory lenders. Not one of those mortgages was coerced. There are many desperate, greedy people who will sign anything to have a home they can't afford. What can government do? Make things worse, as they are about to do with another round of anti-predatory lending laws that make people on the margins and some inside, unable to own housing. Then, as sure as Wheel follows Jeopardy, some hustler comes around blasting the same mortgagers for "ignoring the poor." Back and forth until we're Brazil.

"If you didn't get the Republican nomination, who would you want to get it and why?"

This is my favorite. It adds absolutely no clarity to the central question of the debate: "Who SHOULD be President?"

What he's asking is this. "What other candidate do you like? If I like him, too,  I'll vote for you so he can lose."

What a tail-chasing moron.  How does it help you decide on a candidate by asking them what they'll do if they lose?

About ten years ago, a buddy of mine went on a job interview and afterward came to me dazed and confused.

"The guy asked me 5 reasons why he should hire me, and then 5 reasons why he SHOULDN'T hire me."

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing. I left. Reason #1. Because I'm not here. We never got to the rest."

WHAT'S NOT YOUR STORY #1

Starting today, I think it'll be fun to post the rejected stories from this week's What's Your Story episode. #4 is being shot tomorrow and will be online Friday. Final script was turned in this morning, and so now I present a new feature on the HOW website:

What's Not Your Story--The Outtakes!

What you'd pay extra for if you bought the DVD of this website, is FREE!

And as soon as I can figure out a way to change that, I will. But for now, take advantage.

These were rejected for a variety of reasons. Too dark, too mean, too long, too porny, too unfunny, too old, too libelous, etc. In other words, perfect for the internet. I know SuperDeluxe.com is on the internet, too, but they're on a different level of internet with standards and commerce and hits and all. So now, I take you to that other place on the internet, The Island of Misfit Stories, for our inaugural "What's NOT Your Story" #1

OCTOPUSSY

In India, a 2-year old girl with 4 arms and 4 legs had 2 of each removed last week.

A team of Indian surgeons worked on little Lakshmi around the clock until they had successfully chewed off her extraneous extremities.

Sorry for playing designated driver here during all the celebration, but It seems to me we are playing a dangerous game of god when we cut the limbs off of giant spiders and hope they blend in with human society.

It only sets the spiders up for failure, and where are these surgeons then?  Skipping off to their next case of social engineering not caring about the consequences.

I hope they at least let this little gal keep the pointy scales on her back and her prehensile tail. Maybe then society can start to recoup it's dignity

THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD DATE RAPE

Popular children’s toy Aqua-Dots were pulled from store shelves last week for fear they contain the date rape drug GHB.

According to the Consumer Products Safety Commission, each year 100,000 children are date-raped by toys. Play-date rape is not new.

You'll recall in 1987 when Milton Bradley pulled the game, "Mystery Date Rape" from the shelves, and protest in 1994 brought the same fate to Mattel's Binky Suckin' Barbie and Wham-O's Slip-N-Slide

Experts say the toys use fun and bright colors to entice the children. Sometimes the toys take the children to nice restaurants and pressure them.

Kids, say no to strangers when they offer toys made out of steak and lobster.

THE WAITER’S STRIKE

(Video of wacky Writer's Striker)

No wonder terrorists love Hollywood people. They don't know how to fight back.

Where I come from, if someone is taking money out of your pocket and cocaine off your table, that's a big problem.

It's never solved by people with funny signs and wigs who rap with the inefficiency of a white person.

Meanwhile, the producers are eating a nice filet with peppercorn sauce discussing a new reality show with Mark Burnett while both are in a hot tub at the Palms in Vegas having their backs washed by two young ladies supplementing their income from college cheerleading.

And they are all laughing at you up on the 40” plasma screen.

Someone needs to cook that juicy cut of beef, and clean up the hotel suites for those people. Those someones are you, my writer friends.

How badly do you want your 4 more cents for a DVD? How far will you go to get residuals from the internet that you deserve? Who amongst you will be first to openly dip his penis in a glass of producer ordered iced tea?

Go ahead. Make my day, Rosebud. Can you handle the truth?

Show yourself the money.

SIX FLAGS OVER HILLARY

(video of flags falling behind Hillary Clinton)

Graphic video here of Hillary Clinton’s brush with death.

Watch here as Mrs. Clinton and her diverse lesbian friend, Huma, narrowly escape being crushed by these falling flags.

It would have been the first pole to touch Hillary since college.

“Who tried to kill my sister?”

Over on Capitol Hill,  a furious wicked witch of the West, house speaker Nancy Pelosi,  immediately launched an investigation into the owner of the flags.

Mrs. Pelosi is right. This was no accident. Someone is trying to bury Mrs. Clinton with the American flag. Fortunately for her, and the nation, Mrs. Clinton will not allow the American flag to interfere with her quest for the US Presidency.

PRESIDENT PERV

Pakistan is being overcome with Al-Qaeda and Taliban again, and Paki president Perv (The Uncle) Musharraf has suspended their constitution...like they had one.

I'm all for democracy in the middle east, but we're skipping a crucial step, and that's why this thing is dragging on.

In order to have democracy, you have to have sanity and humility. The Muslims are the pit bulls of people. Yes, some of them can be quite loving and gentle. But...

It's all about them and their 72 virgins.

Well, who doesn't want 72 virgins? So selfish.

And if you stopped wrapping up your women like mummies and beating them with sticks, you'd probably get some action in this life!

What we must do is convert them to a better religion such as Judaism. They still don't have to eat pork, but they'll learn to behave.

Round 'em up, give 'em a choice. We cut your head or your foreskin. Your move, Mohammed!

MYSELF, HELLO?

Is there anything funnier than 2 old rich jews bitching at each other?

(Seinfeld clip)

"Don't you know who I am?"

The sad answer Seinfeld, is no. Larry King has no idea who you are. He's 172 years old and he doesn't care about anything but his prostate.

He's also a praying mantis. A very smart praying mantis.

And his audience is just as old as he is and confuses you with that handsome young man on the Wonder Years.

So Larry is just setting the scene for the old folks who watch while getting diapered for the evening.

Eat some cereal, Seinfeld, and calm down.

MAY I BE OF NO ASSISTANCE?

Comcast Internet has been real touch and go around here lately and I don't know why, so I called to see when the current inconvenient outage was going to end.

Comcast Customer Service, Norbit speaking.

There's no way they record their calls for quality assurance. How does this happen?

I'll admit he's a very effective Customer Service Rep. He took the fight right out of me. Who has time to figure out what he's talking about? Friendly enough chap. Just not gonna get anywhere with him.

Since I hear that DSL is not as buggy as it used to be, is cheaper than cable, almost free in the short term with all the incentives, and their CSRs are required to sound, at the very least, a little more savvy than Miss Teen South Carolina, I'd get it in a heartbeat. I'm just not ready to part with my email address that has been a component of my whole identity for 9 years. It's like an old fuck buddy. You know you got to move along, but it's so hard. So very hard.

Or I could just call Comcast once a week and claim my internet went out for a couple of days, shave a few bucks off the bill every month. That's the way to go. Keep my same email address. Who's paying attention over there?

SURFIN' USA

Like it or not, show or no show, The House of Wachs continues to grow it's avid fan base through word of mouth and boolean logic. At this rate, someone powerful and influential is going to become a fan, and I'll be seduced into watering down the content so as not to harm our one-sided relationship, so read it while it's raw and hot.

It's a humbling tribute to the dynamic diversity of HOW that so many different topics can lead so many to one place. Here once again, is a 24-hour sampling of search terms that have brought total neophytes around the globe into the House of Wachs dot COM!!! Welcome. Have a mint.

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EARS ARE BURNING

Oh, the diversity!

Every day here at the House of Wachs we get hundreds of people visiting the site for the first time because they've stumbled upon us in their search results. Welcome Search Stumblers! Here's a scan of some of the search terms that have led people here in the past 12 hours:

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To pull out the leavings of the opening

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GOOD NEWS FOR SUZE

FROM DRUDGE REPORT 2/23/07:

What timing! No wonder she does well on Wall Street.

THE TMGPT INDEX

Couple of bits of business:

First an inquiry into some recent Wachs postings by an adoring fan who goes by the nom de plume, "The Lockemeister."

hey Wachs,

Do you have a thing (obsession) with male genitals? Just wondering. Let's see...the real estate story had a reference, the audio graph had a dong on it, and now the story of the burning nuts. (and I was just going to buy some roasted cashews too, lost my appetite) Just speaking for myself, I really don't think that much of male genitals. I think of boobs and tits a lot, and having sex. Once in a while I think of my package while it's being inserted (in my girlfriend). That's about the extent of the male genitals thought. Were you thinking of male genitals when you were visting Angela Lansbury? No wonder she treated you shabby..you should have said...hey ma'am...I like your style,,,and blue hair...howzabout a romp in the breakroom.. I bet you would have got a huge discount on your choice of pisswater and her phone number too!

OK, first, you are trying way too hard to be humorous and copy what you think I'm about, and it's not working as a result. Also, you have a very tenuous grasp on punctuation, sentence structure, and page layout, making whatever does make some bit of sense, difficult on the eyes to read. The way your undeveloped thought fragments just randomly collide into one another suggest a mind heavily intoxicated if not already on a life support system.

I'm not quite sure what points or connections you were trying to make at the end there as you spun out and went down the embankment. But if I could glean some coherent message from your rambling statement, at the beginning it seems you're trying to imply that I am a homosexual and are concurrently working up the nerve to ask me out on a sex date.

Well, I regret to disappoint you with the news that since I am not a homosexual I must pre-emptively decline your advances toward me.

I think about male genitals about 75% of the time would be my rough estimate. Be aware that this number is only a percentage of the time I spend thinking about any genitals at all, and NOT a percentage of my entire thinking day. Oh, gotten himmel, no! THAT would be gay.

My Total Male Genital Pondering Time (TMGPT) is closer to 75% of all General Genital Pondering Time (GGPT), but only about 5% of my Entire Pondering Day (EPD).

Further, that would correlate to 24% Total Female Genital Pondering Time (TFGPT), and 1% Total Animal Genital Pondering Time (TAGPT)

Got that? Good. Now let's get straight to the heart of the matter. How does the 75% TMGPT break down?

Here:

Thinking about my own--94%

Seeing one in a porno and wondering about God's choices--5%

Hearing a dirty joke about one--.9999%

Other--.0001%

I've also been receiving a couple of complaints about one of my December 4th blogs.

Here's the link.

Here's the answer for those of you who have been saying, "I don't get it. What voice mail are you talking about?" Click on Garrett's picture. That's the link to the audio for the bit, which now works for all who have clicked on it but previously couldn't access the file.

DIARY OF LARRY FRANK

I've had it with the scare tactics. I'm throwing off the yoke of digital repression. I'm coming out of the basement. Compute fast or die!

Norton, Zone Alarm, etc. are just overkill. Why build the Berlin Wall when a lock and a gun will do?
I need a program to scan my outgoing mail? For what? It'll be someone else's problem in a few seconds. Like I care.

ID theft happens, but mainly from people who get phished because they're not paying attention. There's no program in the world that can protect dim-witted people from Nigerian email and phony Paypal scams.

Sometimes a dope in the government loses a laptop or gets bribed for it because they're a bunch of broke-ass civil servants who want to live like the private sector, but don't have the stomach for work or strategy. Even then, the people doing the thieving have as much chance of not getting caught as a kidnapper or counterfeiter.

The fear-mongering doesn't abate with movies such as "Firewall" that I went rental on this weekend. Harrison Ford plays an IT security expert whose entire family gets kidnapped at home by high tech bank robbers. If it weren't for the dog having a GPS on him, they never would have been found.

What hope do we all have if THAT guy gets held hostage? The hell with it.

I've just completed a thorough review of my computer security and I've ditched most of it. My computer was running like a 286 and the memory strain obviated the need for a cable modem since I was getting dial-up speeds at times. YouTube became NotYouBoob, because redundant firewall permissions made it impossible for the entertainment to find it's way to my screen.

I feel like a moron for not realizing all this before spending several hundred dollars and 80 hours of time listening to Air Supply and Spyro Gyra while waiting for half the population of India to look up the problem in their tech support manuals. Next time I call tech support, I'm going to tell them I'm a cow so I get treated better.

So I've dropped the ZA and the Norton and took the advice of my genius friend with a knack for de-politicizing and simplifying every problem to it's essence, making it unbelievably solvable. Perry suggested I add a lighter footprint anti-virus called NOD32, a little SpyBot S&D, and turn on the deadbolt lock and porch light known as Windows Firewall....and I'm getting a dog with GPS who will live no matter what the Braves do. The fam will be so happy!

AUDIO ANSWERS

I will be updating the Best of FU Lines on the sidebar soon, and many people have also inquired why the link doesn't work. It does. I had the same problem and well, hell, it's MY site, so it's not like I would purposely frustrate myself more than I already am.

My problem was too much computer protection. I turned off my Zone Alarm and fiddled with the settings on my Norton Anti-Everything on the Internet. It worked. Thanks to Perry! You're a gem.

I don't know your system, and I don't want to know, so don't bother to send me emails specific to you, because I cannot help you.

This seems to be the common root of not hearing the FU Lines and other audio on this here soap box. YMMV.

A Tiny Investment

I bought a small ad on the Million Dollar Home Page. The profits should start rolling in now. See if you can find it.

This guy's a genius.

I may not be.